Michky:
Please stop generalizing. Also, stop speaking as if your opinion is the correct one here. Family consent is important but there are some things worth more than that. Love and peace of mind are some of them. I know of a woman who eloped with her husband without the consent of her father.

Please my OPINION is what it is, "MY OPINION" and the last time I checked am entitled to one. Whether it's correct or not, is subject to what 'you' think.
And No, am not generalizing.

prissyluv:
Pls good people of nairaland help me out. My family is not in support of my choice of partner. They said distance and cultural difference will not allow them to give out my hand in marriage to a benin man. My dad said I suppose to be nearer to him as ada of the family. He said wether alive or dead that nobody should accept my fiance. That if I want to elope with him that his hands and legs are not in it,that it is entirely at my own peril. He said besides,cutomary marriage is null and void without parental content.
What do I do?

My dear i won't lie,you are in a very difficult situation....but by the end of the day you will be the one to live with the man be it your parent's choice or yours.
It is going to drain you if you go against their wish,marriage is a family affair in this part of the world....Yes we still african and parent's consent is of great importance.
If in your heart,you love this man and ready to spend your life with him,the type that does not come home after a small misunderstanding or quarrel then try to convince your parents.What your dad feels is fear and nothing else,make him understand that it is your choice of spouse,that anything is afraid that will happen,won't happen.Give him example of people you know that has been married away from home,beg him if you have to....but by the end of the day it is YOU that matters.

edwife:


My dear i won't lie,you are in a very difficult situation....but by the end of the day you will be the one to live with the man be it your parent's choice or yours.
It is going to drain you if you go against their wish,marriage is a family affair in this part of the world....Yes we still african and parent's consent is of great importance.
If in your heart,you love this man and ready to spend your life with him,the type that does not come home after a small misunderstanding or quarrel then try to convince your parents.What your dad feels is fear and nothing else,make him understand that it is your choice of spouse,that anything is afraid that will happen,won't happen.Give him example of people you know that has been married away from home,beg him if you have to.... but by the end of the day it is YOU that matters .

Well said sweetie.

eagleeye2:

No he cannot change a 'bad' person. But at least you have the support of your family.
If on the other you go for your man against your father's wish (in other words your family's support), and things don't work as planned then, WHAT?
By things not working out, it may not be your 'husband', it may come from MIL, SIL etc.
Marriage without parental consent is dicey issue. If you must marry this man, do everything in your power to get your parents consent. If you will cry, cry. If you will call the entire clan, please do it. BUT GET THAT CONSENT.

My dear,I think I get you. Thanks. I will do anything within my powers to get their consent.

Prissyluv - Love is Never Enough.

Parental Consent is key as long as you live in Africa. Most times the things our parents understand we probably dont. Sometimes it has stemmed from history, certain people do not marry well from other places due to cultural differences. Its not that it is impossible to work out, it just probably harder. It is imperative to try your best to understand where their real fears lie, talk to more receptive people.....maybe older uncles in a bid to understand where your dad is coming from. That would make you decide on a better course of action.

I had a close friend of mine explain the Osu thing to me, and while I could not wrap my head around it. This was the reality that they lived, so your first task is to actually break down what the opposition to the guy is. Is it cultural, is it financial or is it a combination of many factors. Until you know exactly why you might not be able to get a good course of action.


So try to be less emotional and go about finding out the real reasons.

edwife:


My dear i won't lie,you are in a very difficult situation....but by the end of the day you will be the one to live with the man be it your parent's choice or yours.
It is going to drain you if you go against their wish,marriage is a family affair in this part of the world....Yes we still african and parent's consent is of great importance.
If in your heart,you love this man and ready to spend your life with him,the type that does not come home after a small misunderstanding or quarrel then try to convince your parents.What your dad feels is fear and nothing else,make him understand that it is your choice of spouse,that anything is afraid that will happen,won't happen.Give him example of people you know that has been married away from home,beg him if you have to....but by the end of the day it is YOU that matters.

Thanks sis. Some of my cousins married outside which he is aware of. Some married to yoruba,cross river,kogi etc. I am not the kind that will forget home after marriage. I love this guy and he understands all this. His family has accepted me and the mum has been asking why i never visited again after a year. I am going to lose a good man if my parents dont consent it. My guy is not perfect but he has good qualities i cherish alot and i will miss and regret ever not settling with him if they reject him.
I will try and get their consent but if they refuse and made me lose my man,i am sure my forgiving them will not be near.

prissyluv
Hi Dear, I remember Ur thread abt Ada n distant marriage. So ds battle is still on? Hmm na wa o. Just like some1 said do all u can to get dia consent. Cry, beg, cajole and get pple they respect to speak for U.
I'm an Ada and only Daughter yet I married outside my tribe, what matters to my family is Ur happiness.
The Lord is Ur Strength.
Ur Man will marry U by God's Grace

Chrisbenogor:
Prissyluv - Love is Never Enough.

Parental Consent is key as long as you live in Africa. Most times the things our parents understand we probably dont. Sometimes it has stemmed from history, certain people do not marry well from other places due to cultural differences. Its not that it is impossible to work out, it just probably harder. It is imperative to try your best to understand where their real fears lie, talk to more receptive people.....maybe older uncles in a bid to understand where your dad is coming from. That would make you decide on a better course of action.

I had a close friend of mine explain the Osu thing to me, and while I could not wrap my head around it. This was the reality that they lived, so your first task is to actually break down what the opposition to the guy is. Is it cultural, is it financial or is it a combination of many factors. Until you know exactly why you might not be able to get a good course of action.


So try to be less emotional and go about finding out the real reasons.

The reasons they ve given me so far is that benin is far and that we dont have the same culture-eg marriage and burial rites,language etc.
Let me not say this points are not valid but do they supercede my happiness?
Ok,if i let this guy go and marry an Anambra man and we live outside Nigeria,how often will they be seeing me? At times,the in-laws relationship you think might be there if you marry from the same state may only exist in passing. I just tire really. My people is just being mean without at least seeing this guy.

Wendy80:
prissyluv
Hi Dear, I remember Ur thread abt Ada n distant marriage. So ds battle is still on? Hmm na wa o. Just like some1 said do all u can to get dia consent. Cry, beg, cajole and get pple they respect to speak for U.
I'm an Ada and only Daughter yet I married outside my tribe, what matters to my family is Ur happiness.
The Lord is Ur Strength.
Ur Man will marry U by God's Grace

Amen dear and thanks. Like I said in that thread you are really lucky.I will do my best to get their consent. Just that my dad hardly listen to people.

eagleeye2:

Please age is not reason enough to marry without parental consent. i have equally met good ladies who were way past there 30s and still married on their own terms.
My cousin sister is one. My very close and personal person is another. And they have their own kids now.
.
I have equally met or seen those who went into marriage with their supposed 'Mr Right' who can never do any wrong and later they confessed yo have made a error in judgment.

I just gave an example and never said age is not reason enough to marry without parental consent. But wont my parents get worried if i reach 30 + without getting married?
My point is that being a good and educated lady doesnt guarantee a good husband.

prissyluv:

Thanks sis. Some of my cousins married outside which he is aware of. Some married to yoruba,cross river,kogi etc. I am not the kind that will forget home after marriage. I love this guy and he understands all this. His family has accepted me and the mum has been asking why i never visited again after a year. I am going to lose a good man if my parents dont consent it. My guy is not perfect but he has good qualities i cherish alot and i will miss and regret ever not settling with him if they reject him.
I will try and get their consent but if they refuse and made me lose my man,i am sure my forgiving them will not be near.

I have a distance Cousin who's suitor was rejected too For difference in tribe reason. She begged n begged and they agreed with the intention of frustrating the Man.
The list given to him was like 5x the normal list, he couldn't go ahead cos of cost, d girl became frustrated that she angrily left with her man. When she got pregnant, she still appealed to her parents they refused so they went to the registry. When her parents heard they just cut her off but 4year down the line with 2kids and expecting d 3rd one her parents were now begging them to come and do the proper thing
She refused oh, her Mum begged eh and she gave them condition dat things has to be done her own way oh. Na so her husband take pay small thing on her head. He didn't spend half of d normal list.

My Dear I'm just saying a true life case I know, I'm not saying u shd go against Ur parents wish oh cos not everyone is lucky, but sometimes our parents reasons can be selfish. I wish they know how some ladies do night vigil n all manner of things just 4 life partner.

prissyluv:

The reasons they ve given me so far is that benin is far and that we dont have the same culture-eg marriage and burial rites,language etc.
Let me not say this points are not valid but do they supercede my happiness?
Ok,if i let this guy go and marry an Anambra man and we live outside Nigeria,how often will they be seeing me? At times,the in-laws relationship you think might be there if you marry from the same state may only exist in passing. I just tire really. My people is just being mean without at least seeing this guy.

I can feel your passion about this, I would not say the issue of tribe is trivial. It does take two willing families like I said.
Let me give you an instance, there are places where you get married from where the woman's body has to be returned to her village after she dies. So in essence she is being loaned to where she is getting married to, I have seen traditional marriages stall way into the night because of this very issue. There are also certain places in Nigeria that have peculiar culture, for instance if your brother is to get married to a girl outside the east she has to understand what going back home to the village every christmas means - if the girl however grew up in a tribe that believes witches and wizards abound in the village you kinda get a picture of where your parents are coming from etc etc. Some tribes in Nigeria are prone to polygamous homes, in some you find where women have children for different men.Sometimes it is just general, his immediate family or your immediate family might not really practice some of these things. You must however realize that your parents perception of things is their reality.

I am of the strong opinion that while most of these things hold true, they do not hold as potent a force as they used to during our parents time. Primarily because most of us were brought up outside the village and as such these ties are not as strong. How do you go about fixing this, well you have to somehow show that you have had enough experience with this guy to understand what you think it would takes to be married to a Benin person (your partner in particular). In influencing people you have to choose an effective method, for instance your mother would probably be more inclined to hearing things like this is my happiness, this is the only person I can be happy with.......As a man I may not be moved by stuff like that, he might like to first know the immediate bio of the guy,
Is he a graduate?
What does he do now?
What type of person he is towards making future plans?
What type of home is he from, Wealthy? Royal? Polygamous ? Broken home? How do you think this has affected him? What do you both see as what marriage entails?
Does he have any burden? First son, has to pay school fees?

The summary of what I am saying is that you have as much as you can thought of, inquired and understood what it takes from your own small knowledge and you see that this can work. Then add that ultimately your love for each other would make sure that in the areas that would be difficult you would be able to get through it.


Finally, there are many people out there who go against consent and get married any how. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not. It depends on your background, his background, your risk aversion etc etc. I wish you the best.


Cheers.

prissyluv:

My dear,thanks so much. You spoke well. I never knew my dad can be this mean. His reasons are distance,cultural difference,detachment. How will he visit me in Benin,how will I come if there are emergency etc. He is not interested in knowing my guy.
These reasons he gave,are they heavy enough compared to my happiness
and peace of life?
If they finally do not consent to it? What will i do? Wait for another?

Lol @bold. What if you married a man from your area and you guys end up living abroad. Will he insist your family stay back so that he can visit easily or so that you can come home easily during an emergency? That's not a reason at all.

But do your best to get their approval. If you have to beg your uncles and aunties to talk to him.
What about your mother? Do you have siblings? Let them meet and relate with your guy. The more people in your family or circle that know him and like him,the easier it will be for you to have voices on your side when you go crying to your dad for permission again:

prissyluv:

The reasons they ve given me so far is that benin is far and that we dont have the same culture-eg marriage and burial rites,language etc.
Let me not say this points are not valid but do they supercede my happiness?
Ok,if i let this guy go and marry an Anambra man and we live outside Nigeria,how often will they be seeing me? At times,the in-laws relationship you think might be there if you marry from the same state may only exist in passing. I just tire really. My people is just being mean without at least seeing this guy.

Yea @bolded poses difficulties I won't lie to you. Speaking from experience as an Igbo girl married to a delta man(close to Benin in culture)
If for some reason one day you don't have your husband solidly behind you, you could find it very difficult.
Their way of life is very different from what you know and you won't discover that now until you spend a good amount of time with them.
But love conquers all. Right?
We hope so.
Don't forget your prayers too.

cococandy:


Yea @bolded poses difficulties I won't lie to you. Speaking from experience as an Igbo girl married to a delta man(close to Benin in culture)
If for some reason one day you don't have your husband solidly behind you, you could find it very difficult.
Their way of life is very different from what you know and you won't discover that now until you spend a good amount of time with them.
But love conquers all. Right?
We hope so.
Don't forget your prayers too.

hmmmmm...at times,this situation overwhelmes me. Pls can you give me an example how igbo marriage and burial rites differ so much with the benin or delta?
Thanks anyway.

prissyluv:

hmmmmm...at times,this situation overwhelmes me. Pls can you give me an example how igbo marriage and burial rites differ so much with the benin or delta?
Thanks anyway.

i don't know much about burial rites. But I know our attitude towards marriage and theirs is not the same.

But personal differences should also be put into consideration hence a generalization may not be fair in this kind of situation.

It is the little things. Just be prepared to weather any storm that comes with being raised in a different culture as long as you're in harmony with your husband. And I hope your guy is ready to compromise too.

prissyluv:

hmmmmm...at times,this situation overwhelmes me. Pls can you give me an example how igbo marriage and burial rites differ so much with the benin or delta?
Thanks anyway.

It depends

If its Igbo speaking areas of Delta and Edo ..they are basically the same all over Igbo land just a little Benin elements

But inter tribal marriage one has yo have guts to venture

Wendy80:


I have a distance Cousin who's suitor was rejected too For difference in tribe reason. She begged n begged and they agreed with the intention of frustrating the Man.
The list given to him was like 5x the normal list, he couldn't go ahead cos of cost, d girl became frustrated that she angrily left with her man. When she got pregnant, she still appealed to her parents they refused so they went to the registry. When her parents heard they just cut her off but 4year down the line with 2kids and expecting d 3rd one her parents were now begging them to come and do the proper thing
She refused oh, her Mum begged eh and she gave them condition dat things has to be done her own way oh. Na so her husband take pay small thing on her head. He didn't spend half of d normal list.

My Dear I'm just saying a true life case I know, I'm not saying u shd go against Ur parents wish oh cos not everyone is lucky, but sometimes our parents reasons can be selfish. I wish they know how some ladies do night vigil n all manner of things just 4 life partner.

I will advise you or anybody that if your folks are against the union pls stay away

cococandy:


Lol @bold. What if you married a man from your area and you guys end up living abroad. Will he insist your family stay back so that he can visit easily or so that you can come home easily during an emergency? That's not a reason at all.

But do your best to get their approval. If you have to beg your uncles and aunties to talk to him.
What about your mother? Do you have siblings? Let them meet and relate with your guy. The more people in your family or circle that know him and like him,the easier it will be for you to have voices on your side when you go crying to your dad for permission again:

My dear,thanks for the input.
I have the worst case scenario here.
My mum,the name benin alone purges her. According to her,what will she tell her fellow women,umu ada etc
My maternal uncles we relate with ve directed me to the angle of praying. I ve been praying ooo
My silbings?none of them wants to get on my Dads black list. They are not helping matters at all except one. They said if i can win my parents,then they ve no problem.
Let me say we grew up having the same mentality. I for one never believed in this life that i will have the thought of marrying outside my state. But look at me now At times,the things we wish for does not come the way we want them. I ve a good man now but dont have the state...

But as a fact ...you are an ada and you should be nearer home and the house rest on you ..leave. the man

Respect your parents so that your days will be long on earth so that your kids will respect you

What the elder sees sitting down
The child won't see on hill top

Enough said

prissyluv:

My dear,thanks for the input.
I have the worst case scenario here.
My mum,the name benin alone purges her. According to her,what will she tell her fellow women,umu ada etc
My maternal uncles we relate with ve directed me to the angle of praying. I ve been praying ooo
My silbings?none of them wants to get on my Dads black list. They are not helping matters at all except one. They said if i can win my parents,then they ve no problem.
Let me say we grew up having the same mentality. I for one never believed in this life that i will have the thought of marrying outside my state. But look at me now At times,the things we wish for does not come the way we want them. I ve a good man now but dont have the state...

My dear as a married man

I will advise you that marriage us not a tea party

Do not go against your parents

Love is not enough in marriage

There are things like compatibilities be IG cultural intellectual and social

But as ada you have to marry near home but if you had not been ada you can protest ...as an ada in Igbo milieu there is this mantle on you

So what if your kid tomorrow disobeys you..how will you feel

Don't let them die a sad people

Respect their wishes

They are the god you see

I rest my case

tonychristopher:


It depends

If its Igbo speaking areas of Delta and Edo ..they are basically the same all over Igbo land just a little Benin elements

But inter tribal marriage one has yo have guts to venture

Let me bring you up to speed, the Igbos in Delta are different from the one across the Niger and the Igbos in Benin close to the border of Delta and Benin are not the same. Marital and burial rites are [b][/b]different.

tonychristopher:

It depends
If its Igbo speaking areas of Delta and Edo ..they are basically the same all over Igbo land just a little Benin elements

Ok. He is not from edo-igbo. He is benin. Thanks.

cococandy:
i don't know much about burial rites. But I know our attitude towards marriage and theirs is not the same.
But personal differences should also be put into consideration hence a generalization may not be fair in this kind of situation.
It is the little things. Just be prepared to weather any storm that comes with being raised in a different culture as long as you're in harmony with your husband. And I hope your guy is ready to compromise too.

Ok dear,thanks. He is ever ready to compromise.

tonychristopher:

My dear as a married man
I will advise you that marriage us not a tea party
Do not go against your parents
Love is not enough in marriage
There are things like compatibilities be IG cultural intellectual and social
But as ada you have to marry near home but if you had not been ada you can protest ...as an ada in Igbo milieu there is this mantle on you
So what if your kid tomorrow disobeys you..how will you feel
Don't let them die a sad people
Respect their wishes
They are the god you see
I rest my case

tonychristopher:
But as a fact ...you are an ada and you should be nearer home and the house rest on you ..leave. the man
Respect your parents so that your days will be long on earth so that your kids will respect you
What the elder sees sitting down
The child won't see on hill top
Enough said

Ok. Thanks alot for your input. This ada mantle mantle,i gave an eg of where one marries within her area and lives in abroad,how can she now carry out the mantle as an ada?
Besides,I will do anything to get their consent. Thanks again.

prissyluv:

The reasons they ve given me so far is that benin is far and that we dont have the same culture-eg marriage and burial rites,language etc.
Let me not say this points are not valid but do they supercede my happiness?
Ok,if i let this guy go and marry an Anambra man and we live outside Nigeria,how often will they be seeing me? At times,the in-laws relationship you think might be there if you marry from the same state may only exist in passing. I just tire really. My people is just being mean without at least seeing this guy.

I was partially in your shoes 4 years ago but difference being that my parents only voiced their opinion adjudged from preconceived prejudice about his tribe(Edo guy too). Trust me before I introduced him to my people I had the mind set that I was only respectfully informing them not really seeking their approval. Reasons being that I would be the one to live with the man and had made up of my mind that I'd rather live with my mistake than someone else's. If there is no Godly reason for objection to a choice of partner I think whatever reason is null and void. Today my hubby is the best son inlaw in the family! I'm not says parental opinion/blessing is not important but when it is being withdrawn under unfounded UnGodly reasons after trying your best to make them see reasons to accept your choiceplease run to God for blessings and carry on with marriage/life! Part of being an adult is the ability to make decisions and live with the consequences...
I'm sure you will not forgive yourself if you give up on this good man and marry someone else God forbid along the line things go sour...our parents will not be there forever and they have lived their own lives. MY OPINION
I wish you wisdom in your decision.

prissyluv:

Ok. Thanks alot for your input. This ada mantle mantle,i gave an eg of where one marries within her area and lives in abroad,how can she now carry out the mantle as an ada?
Besides,I will do anything to get their consent. Thanks again.

Your welcome

prissyluv:
Ok. He is not from edo-igbo. He is benin. Thanks.
Ok dear,thanks. He is ever ready to compromise.

You can work it out with them but if they insist On u not marrying him...pls forget him.

You can't use cos of a man and disobey your parents and blood


It will make you ...

Pls

Givemejoy:
Let me bring you up to speed, the Igbos in Delta are different from the one across the Niger and the Igbos in Benin close to the border of Delta and Benin are not the same. Marital and burial rites are [b][/b]different.

My wife is an Igbo from Delta and ukwuani to be particular and I am yet to see anything different ..my cousin married an ogwashi man and I am yet to see any difference basically ..maybe a little external influence which is normal like arochukwu having some efik influence and nsuka a bit Igala influence and ika a bit Edo influence but that is like 20%

Igbo as a whole is not a homogeneous ..IMO has a bit different culture from anambra even dialect same is anambra having a bit different accent and culture from Ebonyi but 80% of the Igbo have same cultural outlook including Delta and igbanke.. at least I have been there ..so if I talk I talk what I know

NO IGBO COMMUNITY TAKES THE MARRIED DAUGHTER HOME. ALL IGBO COMMUNITY BURIES HER MARRIED DAUGHTER IN HER HUSBAND VILLAGE ...UNLESS SHE DIED A DIVORCEE AND ALL IGBO COMMUNITY DO OMUGWO...NO IGBO COMMUNITY DOES NAMING AFTER 7DAYS...

SO PROVE ME WRONG WITH THE DIFFERENCE

Poor you.

I pray it works out for the best for you.

prissyluv:

My dear,thanks for the input.
I have the worst case scenario here.
My mum,the name benin alone purges her. According to her,what will she tell her fellow women,umu ada etc
My maternal uncles we relate with ve directed me to the angle of praying. I ve been praying ooo
My silbings?none of them wants to get on my Dads black list. They are not helping matters at all except one. They said if i can win my parents,then they ve no problem.
Let me say we grew up having the same mentality. I for one never believed in this life that i will have the thought of marrying outside my state. But look at me now At times,the things we wish for does not come the way we want them. I ve a good man now but dont have the state...

Chrisbengogor,thanks alot. I appreciate.
Wendy80,thanks for sharing the story. The lady did what she had to do,and at last,she won.
Cococandy,thanks dear. I pray I prevail.
tonychristopher,all your contributions has been duely noted. Thanks alot.

prissyluv:
Chrisbengogor,thanks alot. I appreciate.
Wendy80,thanks for sharing the story. The lady did what she had to do,and at last,she won.
Cococandy,thanks dear. I pray I prevail.
tonychristopher,all your contributions has been duely noted. Thanks alot.

Your welcome dear ...I think in marriage love is good but not enough

subzidi:

I was partially in your shoes 4 years ago but difference being that my parents only voiced their opinion adjudged from preconceived prejudice about his tribe(Edo guy too). Trust me before I introduced him to my people I had the mind set that I was only respectfully informing them not really seeking their approval. Reasons being that I would be the one to live with the man and had made up of my mind that I'd rather live with my mistake than someone else's. If there is no Godly reason for objection to a choice of partner I think whatever reason is null and void. Today my hubby is the best son inlaw in the family! I'm not says parental opinion/blessing is not important but when it is being withdrawn under unfounded UnGodly reasons after trying your best to make them see reasons to accept your choiceplease run to God for blessings and carry on with marriage/life! Part of being an adult is the ability to make decisions and live with the consequences...
I'm sure you will not forgive yourself if you give up on this good man and marry someone else God forbid along the line things go sour...our parents will not be there forever and they have lived their own lives. MY OPINION
I wish you wisdom in your decision.

A lot of people don't realize what they really want in life till its too late. Ada is just a freeking title damn it! People refuse to realise that they are not their culture. If they die today, their culture will live on. So why not live a life of happiness instead?. Why should anyone start worrying about burial rights at such a young age. Shocking, honestly. What happened to living your life one day at a time?

Anyways, i like where you said you went to them not really seeking their approval but just dully informing them. I wish there are more ladies like you out there who know exactly what they want and go for it. With the right attitude and respect for your husband, your marriage will surely continue to be fruitful in Jesus name. I wish there is more of your kind out there. This world would be a much better place.