₦airaland Forum

^^this piece was quite emotional for me, i dont know why. Loved every bit of it. It is well with you shinigmama.

veave:
Please get the next available form for MSc and start before mr right comes along.
I thank God i'm doing mine now... you do not know how supportive whoever you finally get to marry will be. Waiting first untill marriage before planning your future is a risky gamble...

So on point!

edwife:
First and foremost this is not just a decision you must make but must be planned together with your partner.In everything you decide to do,you guys need to work together as a team.

You need to know what works for you; how far can you go? How much can you cope with?

Having a child in the west is no joke,one needs to be conscious of the fact that sacrifices needs to be made.

I always suggest to younger women to go with what favors their strengths. A baby alone is so much work and if you want to combine it with work and school it is going to be challenging.

But for me,school and baby is less complicated because sometimes you don't need to attend lectures everyday as long as you have all your materials and communicate with your tutors but work is much more stressful,you need to be at work everyday.

cc cococandy

Thank you for this. I definitely agree with planning ahead together.

I must admit, I'm actually nowhere close to having a baby yet. The thought actually scares me even at this point. But, I know there's a lot of changes ahead for me this year, and I guess I'm just curious about the process of that life transition in general, and how people plan and balance it all out practically. I suppose I wanted to get a sense of what others have done.

I'm already a full-time student averaging 12-16 credits while working full-time. The only reason Coco's question stood out to me, is bc for some reason there's been talk of babies lately, and....

I haven't caught up.

So, my niece stayed with me this last weekend, and guess what she should bring with her? A wailing doll she brought home from school. Yes, you heard read right. A WAILING doll. From SCHOOL. I don't know if they do this in other countries, but she basically has to feed, diaper, and burp the thing properly as an assignment. And like a real baby, it cries WAILS for no darn reason. Hearing the non-stop wailing for the first time was just...

Me: D: D: D:

Next afternoon, I take a video call from my fiancée in the other room, and incidentally the thing is wailing non-stop like the devil himself had just pinched it's plastic cheek, and proceeded to twist. After explaining the source of the unnatural wailing, fiancée, quite unexpectedly starts an in-depth talk about...babies.

Me: D: D: D: D: D: D: (Okay, he only saw the first of those. The rest played out in my head. K.)

Of course, we've broached this subject before but now it just seems so...real.

Was no one else afraid of babies?

Anyway, I think I agree with you. Babies seem like daunting work. I think one or the other + baby is probably more plausible, than all three (baby+school+work).

Efe, a million likes for this wonderful advice to this so needy sister of ours. God bless you for caring enough to take the time to adequately addressing it too. Our daughters WILL NOT fall into this trap. Kudos

EfemenaXY:
Shiningmama.

Like I mentioned in my earlier post, I had a read through of the thread you created a little over a year ago concerning your marital issues. You've got some heavy stuff going on at the moment and I do understand that you don't want to walk out on your marriage - I get that, but at the same time, I'll be honest with you and advice you like my own sister.

First and foremost, does your husband still raise his hands against you? You mentioned that two weeks after you'd given birth, he beat you. If he does, then whether you like it or not, I'll advice you to pack your bags this very minute, take your kids with you, and go to your parents'. Domestic violence is an absolute no-no and I don't care what reasons he may have had (or still has?) to raise his fists against you. I also do not care that your sister's been in her marriage for 20+ years and tells you that she's seen 13 O'clock in her marriage. That's her cup of tea and just because it works for her, doesn't mean you have to put up with the same thing. It's not only harmful, but downright dangerous when people tell you to grin and bear certain no-go areas all for the sake of marriage. Domestic violence is not something you trifle with or take lightly and it's just a matter of time before he loses it again and may just hit you on a wrong spot. I know your circumstances are difficult but you need to find the inner strength within you to get up and take you and your kids out of that violent environment to a place of safety.

If not for yourself, you owe it to the kids you brought into this world to stay alive for them, guide them and bring them up. Every child deserves to have their mother. And this is why I'm rooting for you to go straight to your parents and let them know that you fear for your life. If your mother is of the school of thought that a good wife is one who stays put no matter what, then please, appeal to your father. I'm yet to hear of a father who'll turn a blind eye to his daughter's suffering. There is always (or more often than not) a special father-daughter bond. So special that a father would do everything within his power to shield and protect his girl child from any harm. Bottom line here is, you mustn't keep something like this to yourself. It'll eat away at you gradually until there'll be nothing left. You need support right now and your family should be able to give it to you.

Now, if that occurrence was a one-off then my advice to you is to start loving and appreciating yourself, and I want you to start that process today. Go into the bathroom, lock the door behind you, and take a good, hard look at yourself. Look your reflection in the eye and say to yourself, I, Shingingmama am special. Say this over and over and over again till you start to believe it. I can see that right now, your self-confidence and esteem is at an all time low. But you know what? When we as humans hit rock bottom, the only way forward is up. Make this statement your daily prayer / focus. Say it first thing in the morning, and last thing at night before you go to bed. What I'm trying to do here is get you to build up your self-confidence, which right now, is badly bruised.

Next, you really need to make concerted efforts to get yourself busy. Get your mind actively engaged by either looking for work, or making plans to start a business of your own, no matter how petty. Right now, you are completely dependent on your husband for money and this is one of the reasons he looks down on you the way he does. Yes, we all know it's wrong of him to do that but let's face it. It is what it is and I'm suspecting his attitude which you say changed in 2012 was probably when you lost your job? Sad as it is, some men are just like that. You become nothing better than what they scrape off the bottom of their shoes when you aren't working or bringing in money to the home front. They draw away from you and become downright nasty, finding fault in everything you do. Then the wife at the receiving end usually turns to food for comfort, eats more and more, gains weight and her husband finds her even less appealing then ever. But rather than face up to his contributions to the problem will choose instead to run after every skirt available to him (hence your husband's wild partying, keeping in touch with his exes, and endless chats with numerous women). He even admitted to you that he was in a relationship with one of these ladies for about a year after you'd given birth to your second child, didn't he? Again, you obviously must have put on weight (no fault of yours) but he certainly didn't find you attractive, hence him starting an affair outside.

Shiningmama, I know this is a hard read for you especially if I'm hitting the nail squarely on the head but I'm pushing you forward. Your kids are probably under six years of age (still very young) and if getting an office job with your university qualifications is out of the question, then focus on starting a business of your own. You did say that you've got some skills / talents? Good.

~ If you can cook / bake, then think of starting your own cake making or food business from home. That way you can still keep an eye on your kids. If they're already in nursery, even better for you.

~ If you can sew, then again start thinking of running your own tailoring business from home. Find out how much it would cost you to hire a sewing maching, and do your research on the market. In the meantime, strengthen your hand by sewing your kids' clothes and if you're really good, consider getting a small contract to sew school uniforms for any of your local / private nursery, primary, or secondary schools. Get someone to introduce you to the schools' headmaster / headmistress and see what they can do for you.

~ If you're into hair dressing then again do your research and follow the advice up here ^^.

~ Or are you interested in organizing events? Or running your own creche for little kids?

See, the list is endless, but you must start something of your own. If the reason for your husband's change in attitude towards you was because you lost your job / your company folded up, then when he sees you're on your way to finding your own two feet again, he will come back to you.

I also want to advice you to take care of yourself. Go online and look up YouTube videos for simple exercises you can do to keep yourself in shape. Now mind you, you aren't doing this for him, but for yourself. I mean it. Exercising is a very good way to relieve stress. It also helps lower your BP, and gives you a right boost to your self-confidence, because as you start to see the outward changes to your body, you'll feel so much better, more self-assured in your abilities. But please, don't over do it or go on a crash diet. Start nice and slow and keep it up, whether hubby comes back to you or not. Remember, you're doing this for yourself. Also, if you can, try and get a goodnight's sleep. Aim to get your household chores done on time, feed, bathe, and put your kids to bed on time. If oga's not in, still make his food and cover it, so when he gets home he can eat (and hopefully, won't have to disturb you from your sleep). If he is in, then still do as adviced and then go to bed. If he wants to ping / text / chat the night away OMGing and LOLing at his whores, turn your back on him and sleep. Act like you don't care. And you really shouldn't. Fill your mind with thoughts of what you plan to do with your time the next day. Make mental notes on what you must do to get your business up and running, who you need to contact, how you need to source funds, and so on. Just ignore him and leave him to his devices. He go tire.

Now, as to his infidelity. This really is painful but like we mentioned a few pages ago, you really can't change a person unless they want to change. You can shout at him, yell, quarrel, keep tabs on his movements and mistresses but if he's dead set on his ways and sees no need to change, then you are fighting against a brick wall. Right now, you aren't earning so you're totally dependent on him and this gives him the power and control which he's disrespectfully wielding against you. If you were working, I would have advocated for a temporary separation from him, so you can clear your mind and give yourself some breathing space. You've not been intimate with him since the birth of your last child, for fear of contacting deadly STDs. Fair enough. But at the same time, always protect yourself incase the inevitable happens. Buy a pack of condoms and store away in one of his drawers / cupboards.

I don't know how common marriage councellors are in Lagos and their availability / affordability. You both seriously need professional help to pinpoint where things went so horribly wrong, but it's a joint effort. If he's not interested in making his marriage work, then you'll be back to square one of trying to steer that ship on your own.

However, come what may, whether he changes for the better or not, you must start earning money. The longer you leave it, the harder it'll get and the more depressed you'll be. I also want you to cleanse your mind of all suicidal thoughts. Right now. No one has the power to determine your happiness unless you let them. Life is beautiful. Shiningmama, grab it with both hand and LIVE!

Efe,u made me go tru her post history.

@shiningmama,it is well.
We feel ur pain and agony.
Go tru Efe's post very well.
Ur self esteem is totally crushed.

Remember this:
Ur world revolves not around ur hubby. He does not hold the key to ur happiness. Nobody does except u. Even ur children.
If u want to be happy again,take d bull by the horn and do the right thing. U have been boxed into a corner so much u now accept anything.
At least I'm happy no kpekus,which means u still value ur life.
Forget people,they will talk and shun u out but pls run for ur dear life.
U have made the mistake and won't continue to pay till u die.
Is this d life u wished to live?
Some have stumbled and fall yet they will get up,dust their body and keep on moviing.
One day,they will be remembered.

Unless u fight,u can never be a winner.
And like Efe said, look urself always in d mirror and proclaim d best for u. U r special and no human being have d right to make u feel less.
U will be alright dear.

moca:
Only if u can cope.
I'm normally a very strong and agile person but when it comes to pregnancy,u will pity me.
My second pregnancy(though lost it), I was working and have paid for my masters.
I thought that as my first disturbed me well,that one will be manageable.
For were.
I didn't know when I stopped work,forfeited my money. Where d strength when u r always in d hospital throwing up electrolytes.

So if u r capable,why not.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women doing lots of things,i wonder why mine is diff.

Maybe curses r real o

My mummy said we disturbed her so much when she was pregnant with us that she said if ever she give birth to a gal, she will taste d soup(lol) she is lucky she no dey,she for hear am.i will dump everything on top her head
Common menses sef,na waya

And I have phobia for pain.

First, I'm sorry for the loss of your second pregnancy. You have good point tho, it's probably a good idea to wait and see what pregnancy is like before carrying on too many 'projects' all at once.

I have a low pain threshold in general. Also, bad menses pain-wise. Maybe I'm also cursed, eh This doesn't bode well, I tell ya.

EnlightenedSoul:
Thank you for this. I definitely agree with planning ahead together.

I must admit, I'm actually nowhere close to having a baby yet. The thought actually scares me even at this point. But, I know there's a lot of changes ahead for me this year, and I guess I'm just curious about the process of that life transition in general, and how people plan and balance it all out practically. I suppose I wanted to get a sense of what others have done.

I'm already a full-time student averaging 12-16 credits while working full-time. The only reason Coco's question stood out to me, is bc for some reason there's been talk of babies lately, and....

I haven't caught up.

So, my niece stayed with me this last weekend, and guess what she should bring with her? A wailing doll she brought home from school. Yes, you heard read right. A WAILING doll. From SCHOOL. I don't know if they do this in other countries, but she basically has to feed, diaper, and burp the thing properly as an assignment. And like a real baby, it cries WAILS for no darn reason. Hearing the non-stop wailing for the first time was just...

Me: D: D: D:

Next afternoon, I take a video call from my fiancée in the other room, and incidentally the thing is wailing non-stop like the devil himself had just pinched it's plastic cheek, and proceeded to twist. After explaining the source of the unnatural wailing, fiancée, quite unexpectedly starts an in-depth talk about...babies.

Me: D: D: D: D: D: D: (Okay, he only saw the first of those. The rest played out in my head. Ok.)

Of course, we've broached this subject before but now it just seems so...real.

Was no one else afraid of babies?

Anyway, I think I agree with you. Babies seem like daunting work. I think one or the other + baby is more plausible, than all three (baby+school+work).

I know about the doll,yes i have seen it while in college-it's for child care students,that doll actually cry more than a real baby

Well,it's up to you to really know what will be more suitable for both,your partner and you.

Goodluck dear and do not fret,once the baby is out-they grow so fast and before you know it,you done with school,they start school and you go full time to work.

@ Efemenaxy that's was a wonderful piece,you went so deep.I hope she bookmarks it and go through it everyday.

How have you been babes?

cytochromeC:
^^this piece was quite emotional for me, i dont know why. Loved every bit of it. It is well with you shinigmama.

God! She is suffering and highly depressed.
I'm grately moved by her story.
She will be alright.
D problem is those that r supposed to help r not helping her if not this would have been history.

My issue is related to te3Amo's case. I have been in a relationship for over 3years with a VERY good man. We stay in different states and we get to see each other at least once in 3months. In the first 2years, i was convinced i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but right now, im battling with the chemistry. I do not look forward to kissing him any more. I always find an excuse for him to take his hands off me anytime i go visiting because it feels like a stranger's hands . This odd feelings started like a year ago and i have tried all i can to make things return to how they used to when i was crazy about him. We are very good friends and he has been extremely good to me, but the physical attraction isnt there for me anymore. I told him the last time i saw him and the first question he asked was "do you still love me" to which i could not genuinely answer. I was confused because i sincerely do not know what is wrong.. I am not extremely excited as a lover, about his calls, chats and visits anymore and it hurts me.

I do not see myself with any other man because i dont think there can be anyone out there who possesses all the attributes he has. At the same time, i do not want to be with someone i see as a brother, someone i do not have romantic feelings towards. I also dont want him to end up with someone who will be forcing herself to kiss and have sex with in marriage. He deserves better.

We talk about our future but it scares me..this future might be in a year from now.

how can i help my situation ? How important is chemistry in marriage? Can it be worked on without being forced? I am not ready to give up but i need advice.

I would appreciate views on this as this is an issue bothering me.

thanks.

edwife:
I know about the doll,yes i have seen it while in college-it's for child care students,that doll actually cry more than a real baby

Well,it's up to you to really know what will be more suitable for both,your partner and you.

Goodluck dear and do not fret,once the baby is out-they grow so fast and before you know it,you done with school,they start school and you go full time to work.

My niece is actually much younger than college age, which is why I was perplexed at the assignment. The whole thing was just weird, I think.

Thank you, btw.

EfemenaXY, don't ever stop posting. I truly think you help, and will continue to help so many people.

Kudos goes out to Babyosisi as well.

Best thread ever...

This is a beautiful thread

EfemenaXY:
Shiningmama.

Like I mentioned in my earlier post, I had a read through of the thread you created a little over a year ago concerning your marital issues. You've got some heavy stuff going on at the moment and I do understand that you don't want to walk out on your marriage - I get that, but at the same time, I'll be honest with you and advice you like my own sister.

First and foremost, does your husband still raise his hands against you? You mentioned that two weeks after you'd given birth, he beat you. If he does, then whether you like it or not, I'll advice you to pack your bags this very minute, take your kids with you, and go to your parents'. Domestic violence is an absolute no-no and I don't care what reasons he may have had (or still has?) to raise his fists against you. I also do not care that your sister's been in her marriage for 20+ years and tells you that she's seen 13 O'clock in her marriage. That's her cup of tea and just because it works for her, doesn't mean you have to put up with the same thing. It's not only harmful, but downright dangerous when people tell you to grin and bear certain no-go areas all for the sake of marriage. Domestic violence is not something you trifle with or take lightly and it's just a matter of time before he loses it again and may just hit you on a wrong spot. I know your circumstances are difficult but you need to find the inner strength within you to get up and take you and your kids out of that violent environment to a place of safety.

If not for yourself, you owe it to the kids you brought into this world to stay alive for them, guide them and bring them up. Every child deserves to have their mother. And this is why I'm rooting for you to go straight to your parents and let them know that you fear for your life. If your mother is of the school of thought that a good wife is one who stays put no matter what, then please, appeal to your father. I'm yet to hear of a father who'll turn a blind eye to his daughter's suffering. There is always (or more often than not) a special father-daughter bond. So special that a father would do everything within his power to shield and protect his girl child from any harm. Bottom line here is, you mustn't keep something like this to yourself. It'll eat away at you gradually until there'll be nothing left. You need support right now and your family should be able to give it to you.

Now, if that occurrence was a one-off then my advice to you is to start loving and appreciating yourself, and I want you to start that process today. Go into the bathroom, lock the door behind you, and take a good, hard look at yourself. Look your reflection in the eye and say to yourself, I, Shingingmama am special. Say this over and over and over again till you start to believe it. I can see that right now, your self-confidence and esteem is at an all time low. But you know what? When we as humans hit rock bottom, the only way forward is up. Make this statement your daily prayer / focus. Say it first thing in the morning, and last thing at night before you go to bed. What I'm trying to do here is get you to build up your self-confidence, which right now, is badly bruised.

Next, you really need to make concerted efforts to get yourself busy. Get your mind actively engaged by either looking for work, or making plans to start a business of your own, no matter how petty. Right now, you are completely dependent on your husband for money and this is one of the reasons he looks down on you the way he does. Yes, we all know it's wrong of him to do that but let's face it. It is what it is and I'm suspecting his attitude which you say changed in 2012 was probably when you lost your job? Sad as it is, some men are just like that. You become nothing better than what they scrape off the bottom of their shoes when you aren't working or bringing in money to the home front. They draw away from you and become downright nasty, finding fault in everything you do. Then the wife at the receiving end usually turns to food for comfort, eats more and more, gains weight and her husband finds her even less appealing then ever. But rather than face up to his contributions to the problem will choose instead to run after every skirt available to him (hence your husband's wild partying, keeping in touch with his exes, and endless chats with numerous women). He even admitted to you that he was in a relationship with one of these ladies for about a year after you'd given birth to your second child, didn't he? Again, you obviously must have put on weight (no fault of yours) but he certainly didn't find you attractive, hence him starting an affair outside.

Shiningmama, I know this is a hard read for you especially if I'm hitting the nail squarely on the head but I'm pushing you forward. Your kids are probably under six years of age (still very young) and if getting an office job with your university qualifications is out of the question, then focus on starting a business of your own. You did say that you've got some skills / talents? Good.

~ If you can cook / bake, then think of starting your own cake making or food business from home. That way you can still keep an eye on your kids. If they're already in nursery, even better for you.

~ If you can sew, then again start thinking of running your own tailoring business from home. Find out how much it would cost you to hire a sewing maching, and do your research on the market. In the meantime, strengthen your hand by sewing your kids' clothes and if you're really good, consider getting a small contract to sew school uniforms for any of your local / private nursery, primary, or secondary schools. Get someone to introduce you to the schools' headmaster / headmistress and see what they can do for you.

~ If you're into hair dressing then again do your research and follow the advice up here ^^.

~ Or are you interested in organizing events? Or running your own creche for little kids?

See, the list is endless, but you must start something of your own. If the reason for your husband's change in attitude towards you was because you lost your job / your company folded up, then when he sees you're on your way to finding your own two feet again, he will come back to you.

I also want to advice you to take care of yourself. Go online and look up YouTube videos for simple exercises you can do to keep yourself in shape. Now mind you, you aren't doing this for him, but for yourself. I mean it. Exercising is a very good way to relieve stress. It also helps lower your BP, and gives you a right boost to your self-confidence, because as you start to see the outward changes to your body, you'll feel so much better, more self-assured in your abilities. But please, don't over do it or go on a crash diet. Start nice and slow and keep it up, whether hubby comes back to you or not. Remember, you're doing this for yourself. Also, if you can, try and get a goodnight's sleep. Aim to get your household chores done on time, feed, bathe, and put your kids to bed on time. If oga's not in, still make his food and cover it, so when he gets home he can eat (and hopefully, won't have to disturb you from your sleep). If he is in, then still do as adviced and then go to bed. If he wants to ping / text / chat the night away OMGing and LOLing at his whores, turn your back on him and sleep. Act like you don't care. And you really shouldn't. Fill your mind with thoughts of what you plan to do with your time the next day. Make mental notes on what you must do to get your business up and running, who you need to contact, how you need to source funds, and so on. Just ignore him and leave him to his devices. He go tire.

Now, as to his infidelity. This really is painful but like we mentioned a few pages ago, you really can't change a person unless they want to change. You can shout at him, yell, quarrel, keep tabs on his movements and mistresses but if he's dead set on his ways and sees no need to change, then you are fighting against a brick wall. Right now, you aren't earning so you're totally dependent on him and this gives him the power and control which he's disrespectfully wielding against you. If you were working, I would have advocated for a temporary separation from him, so you can clear your mind and give yourself some breathing space. You've not been intimate with him since the birth of your last child, for fear of contacting deadly STDs. Fair enough. But at the same time, always protect yourself incase the inevitable happens. Buy a pack of condoms and store away in one of his drawers / cupboards.

I don't know how common marriage councellors are in Lagos and their availability / affordability. You both seriously need professional help to pinpoint where things went so horribly wrong, but it's a joint effort. If he's not interested in making his marriage work, then you'll be back to square one of trying to steer that ship on your own.

However, come what may, whether he changes for the better or not, you must start earning money. The longer you leave it, the harder it'll get and the more depressed you'll be. I also want you to cleanse your mind of all suicidal thoughts. Right now. No one has the power to determine your happiness unless you let them. Life is beautiful. Shiningmama, grab it with both hand and LIVE!

I can't stop crying after gooing through your post. I had to give myself time to reply so that I could see what I will be typing, even at that I can't see properly pls pardon my comment.
When I saw your comment in the morning, my mind tells me you have the drugs to my "sickness" fortunately, you didn't disappoint me. God blss you real good.
My self esteem is very very low to the point I look at the pix of some of these ladies and noticed that they are very fair in complexion and I am dark. I decided to buy cream to start bleaching my skin maybe it will work. As it is, I won't use it . My weight is ok because my stature is almost the same with two of these ladies which I have concrete proof that he is dating. I even saw one life and direct because she attended my son's naming. She is older than me which is very obvious. Just that she is very fair. We even took pictures together . Pls pardon my comment oo I can't see what I am tyyong oo

babyosisi:
You must not cry
You must not beg
please do not beg him
Don't give him that same high he gets from these sluts,that is why you must not beg,you don't beg for love
You should not threaten
You have to be firm and direct,look him in the eyeballs when you are talking
Tell him you will not be in a marriage where your husband is preoccupied with whores on the outside

I. Love. This!

I once overheard my uncle's gf crying down the phone to my uncle. She pleaded with him to take their relationship seriously, but what she couldn't see were him and his friends (in the same room as him) sniggering with muffled laughter over the phone he had on loudspeaker. He had no respect for her, yet she cried like a tortured soul that day. My self-respect grew to reach the heavens that same day. I live by what you've written above.

Yes, we women are emotional but it needn't be a handicap. This thread is great.

My darling this makes me wanna cry. You are an amazing person so don't forget that. I pray you find the strength to Love yourself in the eye's of your Child/ren. You will be just fine because from here on the only way is up. Let this experience make you a better person. You're in my heart sis best of Luck.

Shiningmama:
I can't stop crying after gooing through your post. I had to give myself time to reply so that I could see what I will be typing, even at that I can't see properly pls pardon my comment.
When I saw your comment in the morning, my mind tells me you have the drugs to my "sickness" fortunately, you didn't disappoint me. God blss you real good.
My self esteem is very very low to the point I look at the pix of some of these ladies and noticed that they are very fair in complexion and I am dark. I decided to buy cream to start bleaching my skin maybe it will work. As it is, I won't use it . My weight is ok because my stature is almost the same with two of these ladies which I have concrete proof that he is dating. I even saw one life and direct because she attended my son's naming. She is older than me which is very obvious. Just that she is very fair. We even took pictures together . Pls pardon my comment oo I can't see what I am tyyong oo

moca:
Efe,u made me go tru her post history.

@shiningmama,it is well.
We feel ur pain and agony.
Go tru Efe's post very well.
Ur self esteem is totally crushed.

Remember this:
Ur world revolves not around ur hubby. He does not hold the key to ur happiness. Nobody does except u. Even ur children.
If u want to be happy again,take d bull by the horn and do the right thing. U have been boxed into a corner so much u now accept anything.
At least I'm happy no kpekus,which means u still value ur life.
Forget people,they will talk and shun u out but pls run for ur dear life.
U have made the mistake and won't continue to pay till u die.
Is this d life u wished to live?
Some have stumbled and fall yet they will get up,dust their body and keep on moviing.
One day,they will be remembered.

Unless u fight,u can never be a winner.
And like Efe said, look urself always in d mirror and proclaim d best for u. U r special and no human being have d right to make u feel less.
U will be alright dear.

Thanks so much.
Haaaa no kpeku oooo, when I heard it from someone I reported him to, he told h er that he has gf, she asked him if he uses condom and he saoid he doesn't like using it that obce the lady accepted to date him, they will both go for hiv test. Since then, I asked myself how am I sure the lady will be dating only him.
No urge ooo. My children are very very young. Not up to )rs

Shiningmama:
she asked him if he uses condom and he saoid he doesn't like using it that obce the lady accepted to date him, they will both go for hiv test. Since then, I asked myself how am I sure the lady will be dating only him.

na wa

Shiningmama:
Thanks so much.
Haaaa no kpeku oooo, when I heard it from someone I reported him to, he told h er that he has gf, she asked him if he uses condom and he saoid he doesn't like using it that obce the lady accepted to date him, they will both go for hiv test. Since then, I asked myself how am I sure the lady will be dating only him.
No urge ooo. My children are very very young. Not up to )rs

Hello dear pls leave that marriage, therez nothing left for you therer cos frankly ur hubby aint changing today, tomorrow or next. Pls save your life now the opportunity is staring you in the face, remember this is your second chance to be brave and take that bold step. U might not have it again( God Forbid) Wish you the best

EfemenaXY, God bless you sweetheart. You are a good soul, an extraordinary woman and a kind person. I am happy we met, if only online.

Honestly, life is so cruel to people like me. If not for these lovely kids I would have speak to m legs. But I can't Leave them and he won't allow me to go with them. Atimes when I am crying, my daughter will be wiping my tears with her hand telling sorry

EfemenaXY:
Shiningmama.

Like I mentioned in my earlier post, I had a read through of the thread you created a little over a year ago concerning your marital issues. You've got some heavy stuff going on at the moment and I do understand that you don't want to walk out on your marriage - I get that, but at the same time, I'll be honest with you and advice you like my own sister.

First and foremost, does your husband still raise his hands against you? You mentioned that two weeks after you'd given birth, he beat you. If he does, then whether you like it or not, I'll advice you to pack your bags this very minute, take your kids with you, and go to your parents'. Domestic violence is an absolute no-no and I don't care what reasons he may have had (or still has?) to raise his fists against you. I also do not care that your sister's been in her marriage for 20+ years and tells you that she's seen 13 O'clock in her marriage. That's her cup of tea and just because it works for her, doesn't mean you have to put up with the same thing. It's not only harmful, but downright dangerous when people tell you to grin and bear certain no-go areas all for the sake of marriage. Domestic violence is not something you trifle with or take lightly and it's just a matter of time before he loses it again and may just hit you on a wrong spot. I know your circumstances are difficult but you need to find the inner strength within you to get up and take you and your kids out of that violent environment to a place of safety.

If not for yourself, you owe it to the kids you brought into this world to stay alive for them, guide them and bring them up. Every child deserves to have their mother. And this is why I'm rooting for you to go straight to your parents and let them know that you fear for your life. If your mother is of the school of thought that a good wife is one who stays put no matter what, then please, appeal to your father. I'm yet to hear of a father who'll turn a blind eye to his daughter's suffering. There is always (or more often than not) a special father-daughter bond. So special that a father would do everything within his power to shield and protect his girl child from any harm. Bottom line here is, you mustn't keep something like this to yourself. It'll eat away at you gradually until there'll be nothing left. You need support right now and your family should be able to give it to you.

Now, if that occurrence was a one-off then my advice to you is to start loving and appreciating yourself, and I want you to start that process today. Go into the bathroom, lock the door behind you, and take a good, hard look at yourself. Look your reflection in the eye and say to yourself, I, Shingingmama am special. Say this over and over and over again till you start to believe it. I can see that right now, your self-confidence and esteem is at an all time low. But you know what? When we as humans hit rock bottom, the only way forward is up. Make this statement your daily prayer / focus. Say it first thing in the morning, and last thing at night before you go to bed. What I'm trying to do here is get you to build up your self-confidence, which right now, is badly bruised.

Next, you really need to make concerted efforts to get yourself busy. Get your mind actively engaged by either looking for work, or making plans to start a business of your own, no matter how petty. Right now, you are completely dependent on your husband for money and this is one of the reasons he looks down on you the way he does. Yes, we all know it's wrong of him to do that but let's face it. It is what it is and I'm suspecting his attitude which you say changed in 2012 was probably when you lost your job? Sad as it is, some men are just like that. You become nothing better than what they scrape off the bottom of their shoes when you aren't working or bringing in money to the home front. They draw away from you and become downright nasty, finding fault in everything you do. Then the wife at the receiving end usually turns to food for comfort, eats more and more, gains weight and her husband finds her even less appealing then ever. But rather than face up to his contributions to the problem will choose instead to run after every skirt available to him (hence your husband's wild partying, keeping in touch with his exes, and endless chats with numerous women). He even admitted to you that he was in a relationship with one of these ladies for about a year after you'd given birth to your second child, didn't he? Again, you obviously must have put on weight (no fault of yours) but he certainly didn't find you attractive, hence him starting an affair outside.

Shiningmama, I know this is a hard read for you especially if I'm hitting the nail squarely on the head but I'm pushing you forward. Your kids are probably under six years of age (still very young) and if getting an office job with your university qualifications is out of the question, then focus on starting a business of your own. You did say that you've got some skills / talents? Good.

~ If you can cook / bake, then think of starting your own cake making or food business from home. That way you can still keep an eye on your kids. If they're already in nursery, even better for you.

~ If you can sew, then again start thinking of running your own tailoring business from home. Find out how much it would cost you to hire a sewing maching, and do your research on the market. In the meantime, strengthen your hand by sewing your kids' clothes and if you're really good, consider getting a small contract to sew school uniforms for any of your local / private nursery, primary, or secondary schools. Get someone to introduce you to the schools' headmaster / headmistress and see what they can do for you.

~ If you're into hair dressing then again do your research and follow the advice up here ^^.

~ Or are you interested in organizing events? Or running your own creche for little kids?

See, the list is endless, but you must start something of your own. If the reason for your husband's change in attitude towards you was because you lost your job / your company folded up, then when he sees you're on your way to finding your own two feet again, he will come back to you.

I also want to advice you to take care of yourself. Go online and look up YouTube videos for simple exercises you can do to keep yourself in shape. Now mind you, you aren't doing this for him, but for yourself. I mean it. Exercising is a very good way to relieve stress. It also helps lower your BP, and gives you a right boost to your self-confidence, because as you start to see the outward changes to your body, you'll feel so much better, more self-assured in your abilities. But please, don't over do it or go on a crash diet. Start nice and slow and keep it up, whether hubby comes back to you or not. Remember, you're doing this for yourself. Also, if you can, try and get a goodnight's sleep. Aim to get your household chores done on time, feed, bathe, and put your kids to bed on time. If oga's not in, still make his food and cover it, so when he gets home he can eat (and hopefully, won't have to disturb you from your sleep). If he is in, then still do as adviced and then go to bed. If he wants to ping / text / chat the night away OMGing and LOLing at his whores, turn your back on him and sleep. Act like you don't care. And you really shouldn't. Fill your mind with thoughts of what you plan to do with your time the next day. Make mental notes on what you must do to get your business up and running, who you need to contact, how you need to source funds, and so on. Just ignore him and leave him to his devices. He go tire.

Now, as to his infidelity. This really is painful but like we mentioned a few pages ago, you really can't change a person unless they want to change. You can shout at him, yell, quarrel, keep tabs on his movements and mistresses but if he's dead set on his ways and sees no need to change, then you are fighting against a brick wall. Right now, you aren't earning so you're totally dependent on him and this gives him the power and control which he's disrespectfully wielding against you. If you were working, I would have advocated for a temporary separation from him, so you can clear your mind and give yourself some breathing space. You've not been intimate with him since the birth of your last child, for fear of contacting deadly STDs. Fair enough. But at the same time, always protect yourself incase the inevitable happens. Buy a pack of condoms and store away in one of his drawers / cupboards.

I don't know how common marriage councellors are in Lagos and their availability / affordability. You both seriously need professional help to pinpoint where things went so horribly wrong, but it's a joint effort. If he's not interested in making his marriage work, then you'll be back to square one of trying to steer that ship on your own.

However, come what may, whether he changes for the better or not, you must start earning money. The longer you leave it, the harder it'll get and the more depressed you'll be. I also want you to cleanse your mind of all suicidal thoughts. Right now. No one has the power to determine your happiness unless you let them. Life is beautiful. Shiningmama, grab it with both hand and LIVE!

You nailed it
I didn't even know there was domestic violence involved.
I agree to everything you wrote

Shiningmama:
Honestly, life is so cruel to people like me. If not for these lovely kids I would have speak to m legs. But I can't Leave them and he won't allow me to go with them. Atimes when I am crying, my daughter will be wiping my tears with her hand telling sorry

Hmmmmmm

Please, don't you have parents or relatives? And why won't u allow u to take ur children ? Is he home 24/7? Plan your escape and run until matter is settled nd he's a changed person

Shiningmama:
Honestly, life is so cruel to people like me. If not for these lovely kids I would have speak to m legs. But I can't Leave them and he won't allow me to go with them. Atimes when I am crying, my daughter will be wiping my tears with her hand telling sorry

Shiningmama:
I can't stop crying after gooing through your post. I had to give myself time to reply so that I could see what I will be typing, even at that I can't see properly pls pardon my comment.
When I saw your comment in the morning, my mind tells me you have the drugs to my "sickness" fortunately, you didn't disappoint me. God blss you real good.
My self esteem is very very low to the point I look at the pix of some of these ladies and noticed that they are very fair in complexion and I am dark. I decided to buy cream to start bleaching my skin maybe it will work. As it is, I won't use it . My weight is ok because my stature is almost the same with two of these ladies which I have concrete proof that he is dating. I even saw one life and direct because she attended my son's naming. She is older than me which is very obvious. Just that she is very fair. We even took pictures together . Pls pardon my comment oo I can't see what I am tyyong oo

Many many years ago I heard someone say you teach people how to treat you and I believe that wholeheartedly.
The greatest is love,right?
Now what does the Bible say about love?
It says love your neighbor as you love yourself
This means the love for yourself is already a settled matter so you are being enjoined to love your neighbor
Jesus in that teaching was telling us to love our neighbors in the same manner that we love ourselves
How can you then show love if you don't love yourself?
There has to be a line no one can cross with you and that is in loving yourself
That should be a no go area
Come rain or shine you should fight every and anything that wants you to see yourself as less than
You are not less than anyone out there

I am dark skinned too,my headless picture is in my profile
Being dark skinned is not your issue
The issue is that someone else has devalued you in his eyes and you have allowed it to define you and now you detest who you are and think that making yourself like someone else will make you acceptable.
I am glad you are on this thread,perhaps the whole thread was meant for you.

You should not give anyone the right to make you see you as a nobody
Read that efe's post especially and some others written here,over and over and over again
Let it sink deep within your soul
You are a beautiful woman
never ever let anyone convince you otherwise

Hotstepper:
Please, don't you have parents or relatives? And why won't u allow u to take ur children ? Is he home 24/7? Plan your escape and run until matter is settled nd he's a changed person

My parents are late. My siblings are still struggling to survive. Hmmmmmm

Shiningmama:
Honestly, life is so cruel to people like me. If not for these lovely kids I would have speak to m legs. But I can't Leave them and he won't allow me to go with them. Atimes when I am crying, my daughter will be wiping my tears with her hand telling sorry

Determine that those tears will stop today
You have cried enough
Tears don't solve problems
If you are hoping to get a job,don't you know people can sniff out lack of confidence in your body language,facial expression and speech
You need a complete overhaul of your self image
Like everyone here agrees,it's is time to get a little selfish and focus on you
Forget about him now
Your whole energy should be geared towards building yourself up

Following . . .

Flytefalls:
I. Love. This!

I once overheard my uncle's gf crying down the phone to my uncle. She pleaded with him to take their relationship seriously, but what she couldn't see were him and his friends (in the same room as him) sniggering with muffled laughter over the phone he had on loudspeaker. He had no respect for her, yet she cried like a tortured soul that day. My self-respect grew to reach the heavens that same day. I live by what you've written above.

Yes, we women are emotional but it needn't be a handicap. This thread is great.

Tears of their victim is a gratification for the abusers
She shouldn't grant him that

Hi guys, thanks for the great job you guys are doing on this thread.
Ok so my own issue is kind of strange. I am single and very happy, have a good job and currently doing my Masters. the thing is: the thought of marriage scares me sh**less, I acknowledge that I would have to succumb to society someday but right now? I'm not even interested in dating.
I see how girls cry for joy when getting engaged and I am wondering if something is wrong with me?

Shiningmama:
Honestly, life is so cruel to people like me. If not for these lovely kids I would have speak to m legs. But I can't Leave them and he won't allow me to go with them. Atimes when I am crying, my daughter will be wiping my tears with her hand telling sorry

I dont think you want a solution. You want to be pitied and handed tissues. Well, cry me a river!

So so annoying