bukatyne:


Even more interesting

yes it is....

Omg mutter

I don't know why we Africans......when one think of divorce that's when families will start preaching "Endure" and stay in it forever and each time one complains they will start saying "you want disgrace our family. We don't do divorce and it won't start from you ". Not thinking of what the person might be going through.

I don't think marriage for me is a good idea then...at least for now.......

I'm so scared mutter. I've been unable to do anything since i saw your story.

edwife:
Reading what mutter went through in her previous marriage and some of her stance in many threads we have here,i quite understand her.

the abuse did not change who mutter is,her personality or her beliefs about marriage;some women who go through abuse suffer tremendously mentally.They become bitter,angry,emotionless and vengeful.

I won't fault them ....only that it is also dangerous to take marital advices from such people-They are bitter,they don't see any good in matrimony.

But for those who left and have been able to keep their sanity in check,evaluate each and every marriages differently without emotions.

Eg: a woman whose husband has slapped in a heated argument and only happens once to a woman who has been battered from day one in the union,will we give the same advice?

To be honest, lets just read mutter's story here just like every other woman on this thread who have suffered in the hands of their husband and not bring her stance on other thread. We all have different opinion about her.

In other parts of the world, when someone goes through something so horrible, they will do everything for another person not to go through the same thing but in Nigeria, it seems like we like people suffering the same thing they suffered.

No one should ever be discouraged about marriage. It can also be the most beautiful experience.

The first moment I saw my second husband, I said a prayer. " Thank God- this is my husband". We met on the road, he was just coming out from lectures - doing his second degree.
I wen home and called my sister and told her I had seen my husband- she told me I was crazy. After my experience how could I think of marrying again.
So many people tried to discourage me. The said the man could not love me with kid`s. It was just my passport, so he could get a stay here after his studies.
They said he was interested in the financial aspect. But I did not have that much either, but it was much more than he had at that time. He came from a humble home and his parents were late and he was the first of so many siblings.
They said that the family would be a liability.

But I trusted in my feeling and I trusted in God and I married him even though we barely knew each other. In fact we were married under a year and that was because of the formalities, documents.

We have had to work at our marriage especially because I had gone through so much I was on the watch out for someone trying to hurt me again.
I was not in love with him at that time because I was so emotionally drained but I needed someone to belong to, someone to show me some love and care.

He also had gone through a very rough life and he told me he never met anyone like me. Because we did not start like a normal relationship because I was hurt and had kid`s but I invited him home and would cook for him and talk to him and share experiences with him and we just knew that we could be each others backbone.

Somehow like a thief in the night love creeped in unnoticed


We are two different people and have different backgrounds.
But I am so grateful to God for having this man by my side.
we have touched each other in a very special way.

Chillisauce:


As for the second bolded, how can ones sanity be in check with this kind of abuse. I'm questioning my sanity just reading this.

Sorry but this is not the case. You escaped death yet you want others to pass through same experience , all for what. Something they can survive or not. Why gamble with that.

Trough healing chillisauce,and healing can come from differents form (TIME,FAMILY,CHURCH).She found love AGAIN,she totally saw the difference between where she was and where she is.

A child who has been molested,raped do you think as an adult will be able to have a normal sexual relationship?will that child also rape her/his own child?

babygirlfl:


To be honest, lets just read mutter's story here just like every other woman on this thread who have suffered in the hands of their husband and not bring her stance on other thread. We all have different opinion about her.

In other parts of the world, when someone goes through something so horrible, they will do everything for another person not to go through the same thing but in Nigeria, it seems like we like people suffering the same thing we suffered.

That's my point exactly and this is a discussion.A matured one at that.

Floodgater:
your problem is that of the average naija man who automatically looses interest if a girl initiates a relationship or sex. You need to learn to rise above the old black standard if you want to do well with the today/modern woman. Ok everything would have been alright but for just an harmless comment...i can only imagine the damage your mind did when she added she is not a virgin after the first blow of initiating sex. Oga you better take her for her words especially if you are ok with her character which is most important. Continue with her and value her honesty, like she said it might be she is scared of you getting it elsewhere knowing how men like it and thus did for love. If you choose to dump girls for reasons like this, you might end up with a real LovePeddler so that you can spend the rest of your life judging. Even if you are a virgin, you have no guarantee that the next will be one or that she might not be worse or a classic LovePeddler who will be wise from the failure of your ex and keep mute seeing that you prefared ''old boys rules'' over honesty and other virtues. Continue with her and tell or correct her with love anytime she go wrong instead of acting cool then stabing later. I know you wont do it, but do you think it is enough for her to feel the way you do if you make the mistake of saying what she said because your friend told you she might be getting it elsewhere or that her reason for abstinance is due to a poor sex drive or to show you love her?

hmmmm..nice opinion.

edwife:


Trough healing chillisauce,and healing can come from differents form (TIME,FAMILY,CHURCH).She found love AGAIN,she totally saw the difference between where she was and where she is.

A child who has been molested,raped do you think as an adult will be able to have a normal sexual relationship?will that child also rape her/his own child?

I think Molested child could have a normal sexual relationship if given the neccesary help.
But the child now grown up would do whatever it takes to keep another child from harm if really he/she takes the healing positively.
But can become a monster if it affects him negatively

edwife:


yes it is....

Muter's post .... interesting

Your post /defence of her stance .... More interesting

Same things are right/wrong depending on who did it

We learn daily

Chillisauce:
[/b]

I think Molested child could have a normal sexual relationship if given the neccesary help.
But the child now grown up would do whatever it takes to keep another child from harm if really he/she takes the healing positively.
But can become a monster if it affects him negatively

My point exactly.

babygirlfl:


To be honest, lets just read mutter's story here just like every other woman on this thread who have suffered in the hands of their husband and not bring her stance on other thread. We all have different opinion about her.

In other parts of the world, when someone goes through something so horrible, they will do everything for another person not to go through the same thing but in Nigeria, it seems like we like people suffering the same thing they suffered.

LOL!

Maybe something in the air we breath

Shiningmama:


Hahahahaha! Pray for him to change? Instead I've started prophesying into my daughter's marriage ooo so that she won't marry someone like her dad. I may not be there for her when that time comes.
I must confess I do pray and fast before but I stopped doing that after I opened the thread in Dec 2013. Thanks to Greatgod 2012, Nashville and some others that I can't remember their moniker. I confronted him and for the first timeeee, he apologised. But it seems he can't just stop chatting with them. He can't just stop!
He won't allow me to go with my kids, I can't be giving details here because I don't know who is who. I won't if he sees this thread so that he can know what I am going through. I've begged him to marry any of these girls so that I can have peace but he refused. I've asked him what he is still looking for no comments. Yet, he tells me he loves me . (I no swallow that one oo)

i may not really understand but i know if you have the will, the way will be possible. You are already seeing your daughter getting married without you...sigh. Have you ever thought of the possibility of you leaving with your kids even if it means absconding. If you leave your daughter behind, the damage you may do her might be worse than what you are running from. It will be better they are with you with little food, government education etc for a while, whilst you try to find your feet. God will help you, knowing those children needs provision. Wait, do you know you are a woman, that you are strong and can make it like other single mothers survivng. Good you have reached the end as you reassured above, stay a little only to see, think and plan a way of taking yourself and kids out. It is the bad esteem that is making you give up just yet...just think something, there has to be a way if you WILL. There are women in your shoes that made/making it. Hope you are not seeing suicide or death?

Chillisauce:
[/b]

I think Molested child could have a normal sexual relationship if given the neccesary help.
But the child now grown up would do whatever it takes to keep another child from harm if really he/she takes the healing positively.
But can become a monster if it affects him negatively

That's the word i am looking for,if it affects him negatively,meaning even after all the therapy and council-nothing worked on him.And if you follow the story of prolific molesters,you will find out that they were abused as a child but not all.

You will do everything in your power to prevent anything you passed through to happen to someone else,but not blindly...
There are cases which will not be the same as her case;must she always be on the NO everytime she comes across a domestic situation?

My stance is this,going through something must not make you bitter.You need to be able to effectively judge and see things in differents prospects.

ok chilli,i want you to see where i am coming from with this example:

a woman whose husband cheated once ,begged for forgiveness and truly repented goes to a woman who has been married to a chronic womanizer,do you sincerely think that this woman will give her a favorable advice?

It's either she tells her to bear it all and that she has been living like that(according to nigerian spirit of wanting you to suffer like them) or tells you to leave your husband because it is going to turn worse than this(again according to the same nigerian spirit which says that she wants you out of your own marriage while she stays in hers),which of them will you tell the woman to take?

bukatyne:


Muter's post .... interesting

Your post /defence of her stance .... More interesting

Same things are right/wrong depending on who did it

We learn daily

It is not a defence,i am trying to see where she is coming from sometimes-mind you not everything mutter writes i agree with her....but that does not mean that she does not make sense in some.

Can you explain this bit?

At this point I have to stop following else I get scarred for life.

I applaud all the capable hands here. You guys are really doing a great job!

My own problem/headache/confusion/depression is tribe and parental consent. I must admit that I got lots of advice from snazzylove thread about intending couples and couples but more is needed esp in regards to my fears below.

On 14th feb,my dad told me that i should forget the idea that he will give his consent to me marrying a benin man. He said it is very very impossible for him to do so,that he wont even give his consent at a gun point but on the other hand if I decide to elope with him that I am clearly on my own.
In my heart,I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but my parents actions are saying otherwise.

Now my fears and confusion:
1)If i leave this good man,how sure I am that another good and better men will come? And one who will treat me right.
2)When will that be?I found it also difficult to love.(my love goes off and on) I am also one who does not like sexual activities that much. Will I find that understanding man?
3)Wont I get to regret my actions of leaving a man I love becos of tribe in my later years? I am very impatience in nature,I am afraid I will pick the wrong guy down the lane.

We should endevour to train boys better, I keep on saying it. Virtues like patience, kindness, understanding, humility, tolerance is for everybody, not just women.
In many households a daughter would be struggling with house chores and the son is lying lazily on the sofa, why would he grow up to think he should help around the house too when married? Why wont he grow up to have a chip on his shoulder?
This cycle of violence would continue if we don't train boys better.

Is the thread now about mutter's story?

striktlymi:
At this point I have to stop following else I get scarred for life.

Bro for every sob story you read on NL about marriage, there are at least 10 stories of marital bliss in the real world.

edwife:


It is not a defence, i am trying to see where she is coming from sometimes-mind you not everything mutter writes i agree with her....but that does not mean that she does not make sense in some.

Can you explain this bit?

Muter does make sense in some of her posts...

I can't see where she is coming from in some cases

If she was such a good wife and her ex was still that crazy, she of all people should understand that no matter the be humble bullshit, the man will not change because she has experienced it first hand.

We should be the ones saying 'the wife must be rude etc.' with she telling us that no, some spouses are beasts etc.

But no, all problems must be from the wife and humility would solve it.

An abused child's mother should send the abuser away but she would tear the abuser to pieces etc. etc.

Or where there is nothing wrong with been a second wife etc.

You were defending her stance and it is nothing really

@bold.. when next I notice, would point it out (if I remember)

Modified:

Just remembered Debrief...

She used her experience to teach others...

Some, she condemned the wives; some she condemned the husbands on a case by case basis.

She did not encourage the women to take trash yet she was very objective and uncoloured by her first marriage.

Stillfire:
We should endevour to train boys better, I keep on saying it. Virtues like patience, kindness, understanding, humility, tolerance is for everybody, not just women.
In many households a daughter would be struggling with house chores and the son is lying lazily on the sofa, why would he grow up to think he should help around the house too when married? Why wont he grow up to have a chip on his shoulder?
This cycle of violence would continue if we don't train boys better.

Extremely true

That is the key...

Train the boys lest they become beasts when they grow up

Some men will still be terrible irrespective of the training given.

edwife:


That's the word i am looking for,if it affects him negatively,meaning even after all the therapy and council-nothing worked on him.And if you follow the story of prolific molesters,you will find out that they were abused as a child but not all.

You will do everything in your power to prevent anything you passed through to happen to someone else,but not blindly...
There are cases which will not be the same as her case;must she always be on the NO everytime she comes across a domestic situation?

My stance is this,going through something must not make you bitter.You need to be able to effectively judge and see things in differents prospects.

Like the case of keeping awake every night for the wandering d1ck husband to return before going to bed to avoid beating ?.

Anyways , life is that simple until you make it difficult. What is wwrong is wrong and what is right . No need sugar coating.

striktlymi:
At this point I have to stop following else I get scarred for life.

You hear men's story and you are scared?

What if you hear of evil women

There are evil people and good people

Pray God gives you your own if you are interested in marriage

Chillisauce:


Like the case of keeping awake every night for the wandering d1ck husband to return before going to bed to avoid beating ?.

Anyways , life is that simple until you make it difficult. What is wwrong is wrong and what is right . No need sugar coating.

THANKS

prissyluv:
I applaud all the capable hands here. You guys are really doing a great job!

My own problem/headache/confusion/depression is tribe and parental consent. I must admit that I got lots of advice from snazzylove thread about intending couples and couples but more is needed esp in regards to my fears below.

On 14th feb,my dad told me that i should forget the idea that he will give his consent to me marrying a benin man. He said it is very very impossible for him to do so,that he wont even give his consent at a gun point but on the other hand if I decide to elope with him that I am clearly on my own.
In my heart,I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but my parents actions are saying otherwise.

Now my fears and confusion:
1)If i leave this good man,how sure I am that another good and better men will come? And one who will treat me right.
2)When will that be?I found it also difficult to love.(my love goes off and on) I am also one who does not like sexual activities that much. Will I find that understanding man?
3)Wont I get to regret my actions of leaving a man I love becos of tribe in my later years? I am very impatience in nature,I am afraid I will pick the wrong guy down the lane.

The problem here is that you've not done anything to make yourself appear independent to your father that is why he is still that brave to feel he can control the direction of your life for a flimsy reason like he's from another tribe. Other people also see other tribes as nuisances as well including yours, so your dad does not have such monopoly of distaste. African parents will baby you till they die, it is left for you to decide whether you want to be babied all your life.

bukatyne:


Extremely true

That is the key...

Train the boys lest they become beasts when they grow up

Some men will still be terrible irrespective of the training given.

True, but the likelihood would decrease.

Stillfire:
We should endevour to train boys better, I keep on saying it. Virtues like patience, kindness, understanding, humility, tolerance is for everybody, not just women.
In many households a daughter would be struggling with house chores and the son is lying lazily on the sofa, why would he grow up to think he should help around the house too when married? Why wont he grow up to have a chip on his shoulder?
This cycle of violence would continue if we don't train boys better.

How can you be comfortable doing all the chores While the kids keep their legs up watching Tele.

Na broom I go use flog their as.s up the sofa

prissyluv:
I applaud all the capable hands here. You guys are really doing a great job!

My own problem/headache/confusion/depression is tribe and parental consent. I must admit that I got lots of advice from snazzylove thread about intending couples and couples but more is needed esp in regards to my fears below.

On 14th feb,my dad told me that i should forget the idea that he will give his consent to me marrying a benin man. He said it is very very impossible for him to do so,that he wont even give his consent at a gun point but on the other hand if I decide to elope with him that I am clearly on my own.
In my heart,I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but my parents actions are saying otherwise.

Now my fears and confusion:
1)If i leave this good man,how sure I am that another good and better men will come? And one who will treat me right.
2)When will that be?I found it also difficult to love.(my love goes off and on) I am also one who does not like sexual activities that much. Will I find that understanding man?
3)Wont I get to regret my actions of leaving a man I love becos of tribe in my later years? I am very impatience in nature,I am afraid I will pick the wrong guy down the lane.

What other issues does your dad have with your guy apart from his tribe?

Stillfire:


True, but the likelihood would decrease.

Yea

Chillisauce:


Like the case of keeping awake every night for the wandering d1ck husband to return before going to bed to avoid beating ?.

Anyways , life is that simple until you make it difficult. What is wwrong is wrong and what is right . No need sugar coating.

Yes life is simple,you are right!and what is wrong is wrong and what is right is right but NOT everything seems TO BE what they TRULY are....

mutter:
No one should ever be discouraged about marriage. It can also be the most beautiful experience.

The first moment I saw my second husband, I said a prayer. " Thank God- this is my husband". We met on the road, he was just coming out from lectures - doing his second degree.
I wen home and called my sister and told her I had seen my husband- she told me I was crazy. After my experience how could I think of marrying again.
So many people tried to discourage me. The said the man could not love me with kid`s. It was just my passport, so he could get a stay here after his studies.
They said he was interested in the financial aspect. But I did not have that much either, but it was much more than he had at that time. He came from a humble home and his parents were late and he was the first of so many siblings.
They said that the family would be a liability.

But I trusted in my feeling and I trusted in God and I married him even though we barely knew each other. In fact we were married under a year and that was because of the formalities, documents.

We have had to work at our marriage especially because I had gone through so much I was on the watch out for someone trying to hurt me again.
I was not in love with him at that time because I was so emotionally drained but I needed someone to belong to, someone to show me some love and care.

He also had gone through a very rough life and he told me he never met anyone like me. Because we did not start like a normal relationship because I was hurt and had kid`s but I invited him home and would cook for him and talk to him and share experiences with him and we just knew that we could be each others backbone.

Somehow like a thief in the night love creeped in unnoticed


We are two different people and have different backgrounds.
But I am so grateful to God for having this man by my side.
we have touched each other in a very special way.

So the story does have a happy ending

edwife:


Yes life is simple,you are right!and what is wrong is wrong and what is right is right but NOT everything seems TO BE what they TRULY are....

That's it! In the absence of further data, you work with what you are given to. You don't have to come up with your own rediculous data to make a point.

A crazy point at that .
Anyway, marriage is beautiful but when it starts eating up my life in a nagative way, I take off. That's me btw. I'm that straight forward, no wonder Mr chilli won.