₦airaland Forum

But seriously whatever happened to lawyers who take up cases like this for free? What's it called? Pro bono cases if am right. Some husbands need to pay for damages.

edwife:
Later today,i went through many rants about valentines in stella blog but what caught my attention is the comments of women....









The reason i posted this is to evaluate our lives,yes we might think we are the only one in this situation or it is rosy for some.My question is,must the circle continues?is there an end to this?when will a nigerian woman know when it is enough!

I got so depressed and tearful at some of the comments and let me thinking....
If only our society was fair to women,if only....

WoooooW . . . . . Speechless!!

mutter:
Thumbs up.
There is so mature and genuine. I love this thread.
It is like balsam to the soul.

Please for any of you in an abusive marriage. Pick up your courage and leave. God will always find a way to make it right.
When I left my ex with kids I was headed into the unknown. Yes I was lucky that I had the opportunity to go to Germany but I went through a great deal of pans, hard work, adjusting and trying to find my feet.
Yes I paid a very high price for leaving but it was worth it at the end and God remained faithful.

What kept me so long in that marriage was also pressure. From seeing others marriage work out, from family. Everyone kept giving advice like be humble, be obedient and the beating will stop. That was the biggest mistake because it just got worse.
The things I got beaten for were absurd.
- I did not hear him at the door at 2 in the morning.
- I cooked and gave his people form the village chicken.
- I looked a male visitor in the face.
- The curtain was not straight.
- I was not responding in bed which meant I probably got it somewhere else.

He had this habit of summoning a "tribunal" made up of his family or friends and they would start querying me. I just did not understand it. I did not dare tell them what was going on because that would only attract another beating. Well noted the whole time kneeling and only apologizing. Finally one day I showed some women my bruises. They were shocked. After my ex had hit me the first time on the face and got rebuked from a senior officer he never made that mistake again. He would hit me more on my trunk upper arms and upper legs. He told me that those were parts of my body I had no right to expose to another man. So it actually went quite unnoticed, only that I would limp at times and sometimes I could not even sit down. IT was bad.

Then he had this sick habit of asking me to take off my undies for him to control when I came back home. At a stage he even wanted to inspect me. Why wold I protest if I was innocent he would ask.

Did I ever mention a woman I knew who was raped when the daughter was just a day old and all the stitches bust
In the early hours of the night I begged him to take me to the hospital to be stitched back because the longer it was open, the less the chance of healing. It took so long, the baby cried and cried while they were stitching me and my husband ordered the nurse to put the baby on my breast. I was in so much pain because the doctor did not use enough anesthetics. Being a military hospital the nurse complied and was trying to hold the baby on my breast. I pleaded with her not to. I didn't want my daughter to drink my pain
She put her finger into the baby´ baby´s mouth.

Yes it was bad and it was getting really SICK!

Then he decided to take another wife. He brought a man and a batman to do all the chore for him, did not eat my food. He locked me out of my room. would have to wait for him to come home late in the night and then he would open his room and ask me to come and sleep there. In the morning he would let me enter my room to change. He took the car away from me. Made me give him all my salary.

Then finally I took the step. I went to visit his people in the village to explain that I could not cope. They had nothing to say except that I should go but alone.
I went home to my family, they said I could go but he could not put me up. He did not want the army in his home.
So I called my grandmother in Germany. God bless her departed soul! She went the very next day to the airline and booked one way tickets for me and the kids. I told my ex that my grand grand mum had invited me to Germany with the kid`s to see her now she was getting old. He let me go happily because he was planning his wedding.

When you read all this you would realize that it was constructive desertion-

My ex by his action made it impossible/ forced me to live for me to stay.
When a man makes it impossible for you to stay. Then you are not leaving the home but the man sent you off.

I wish I could proudly say I left on my own free will. But I actually had no choice.

After leaving the marriage the greatest bitterness was giving that man the best years of my life.

Mutter, is this your story? You are so brave! I'm so happy it ended the way it did or I'd be crying here on the train to work. God Bless your dear Grandmother!

Floodgater:
It is either you crushed on him because of his goodness or you grew and discovered the type of man you really want. Whatever it is, i want you to know that it is better to marry a man that is seemingly bad in the eyes of others but share mutual love and respect with his woman than a good man with one sided love. You would be marrying for selfish reasons if it is because you are scared another good man is not alive. It wont be long before you realise the damage you will do to yourself, him, kids and it may be lasting. You grew out of whatever it is you felt for this man and you will not likely go back besides tolerating. I doubt it was love, set yourself and him free. Still i would like to know what attracted you to him in the first place?

I have had 2 boyfriend's and none is as close to perfect as my current one. I read about people's husband's and boyfriends, I see some for myself and I get scared of losing a good man because I simply can not find that chemistry. We have a good friendship, I understand him perfectly, there's mutual trust and respect too. What attracted me to him was his personality. We talked via phone for weeks before we got to meet in person. Afterwards, we continued talking till we had a second meeting after like 5months and then another 4months of chatting and talking before I finally agreed to date him. I agree I'm tolerating him at the moment, but whenever I think of letting go, I ask myself if I won't regret this decision. I ask myself, "what if the next guy I fall helplessly in love with does not treat me with utmost respect the way my current bf does? I'm really confused

[color=#1980BC] Horrible....Totally reprehensible...We are going to have nightmares today at mutter's travails. [/color]

cococandy:
Confused.

About?

mutter:
Thumbs up.
There is so mature and genuine. I love this thread.
It is like balsam to the soul.

Please for any of you in an abusive marriage. Pick up your courage and leave. God will always find a way to make it right.
When I left my ex with kids I was headed into the unknown. Yes I was lucky that I had the opportunity to go to Germany but I went through a great deal of pans, hard work, adjusting and trying to find my feet.
Yes I paid a very high price for leaving but it was worth it at the end and God remained faithful.

What kept me so long in that marriage was also pressure. From seeing others marriage work out, from family. Everyone kept giving advice like be humble, be obedient and the beating will stop. That was the biggest mistake because it just got worse.
The things I got beaten for were absurd.
- I did not hear him at the door at 2 in the morning.
- I cooked and gave his people form the village chicken.
- I looked a male visitor in the face.
- The curtain was not straight.
- I was not responding in bed which meant I probably got it somewhere else.

He had this habit of summoning a "tribunal" made up of his family or friends and they would start querying me. I just did not understand it. I did not dare tell them what was going on because that would only attract another beating. Well noted the whole time kneeling and only apologizing. Finally one day I showed some women my bruises. They were shocked. After my ex had hit me the first time on the face and got rebuked from a senior officer he never made that mistake again. He would hit me more on my trunk upper arms and upper legs. He told me that those were parts of my body I had no right to expose to another man. So it actually went quite unnoticed, only that I would limp at times and sometimes I could not even sit down. IT was bad.

Then he had this sick habit of asking me to take off my undies for him to control when I came back home. At a stage he even wanted to inspect me. Why wold I protest if I was innocent he would ask.

Did I ever mention a woman I knew who was raped when the daughter was just a day old and all the stitches bust
In the early hours of the night I begged him to take me to the hospital to be stitched back because the longer it was open, the less the chance of healing. It took so long, the baby cried and cried while they were stitching me and my husband ordered the nurse to put the baby on my breast. I was in so much pain because the doctor did not use enough anesthetics. Being a military hospital the nurse complied and was trying to hold the baby on my breast. I pleaded with her not to. I didn't want my daughter to drink my pain
She put her finger into the baby´ baby´s mouth.

Yes it was bad and it was getting really SICK!

Then he decided to take another wife. He brought a man and a batman to do all the chore for him, did not eat my food. He locked me out of my room. would have to wait for him to come home late in the night and then he would open his room and ask me to come and sleep there. In the morning he would let me enter my room to change. He took the car away from me. Made me give him all my salary.

Then finally I took the step. I went to visit his people in the village to explain that I could not cope. They had nothing to say except that I should go but alone.
I went home to my family, they said I could go but he could not put me up. He did not want the army in his home.
So I called my grandmother in Germany. God bless her departed soul! She went the very next day to the airline and booked one way tickets for me and the kids. I told my ex that my grand grand mum had invited me to Germany with the kid`s to see her now she was getting old. He let me go happily because he was planning his wedding.

When you read all this you would realize that it was constructive desertion-

My ex by his action made it impossible/ forced me to live for me to stay.
When a man makes it impossible for you to stay. Then you are not leaving the home but the man sent you off.

I wish I could proudly say I left on my own free will. But I actually had no choice.

After leaving the marriage the greatest bitterness was giving that man the best years of my life.

.

Chai, reading this story made me so sad, some men are heartless and they are devil incarnate, how can you treat a human like this ......that man deserve to be put in the hottest part of Hell.....

bukatyne:
About?

never mind my dear. Don't wanna change the trajectory of the thread.

mutter:
Thumbs up.
There is so mature and genuine. I love this thread.
It is like balsam to the soul.

Please for any of you in an abusive marriage. Pick up your courage and leave. God will always find a way to make it right.
When I left my ex with kids I was headed into the unknown. Yes I was lucky that I had the opportunity to go to Germany but I went through a great deal of pans, hard work, adjusting and trying to find my feet.
Yes I paid a very high price for leaving but it was worth it at the end and God remained faithful.

What kept me so long in that marriage was also pressure. From seeing others marriage work out, from family. Everyone kept giving advice like be humble, be obedient and the beating will stop. That was the biggest mistake because it just got worse.
The things I got beaten for were absurd.
- I did not hear him at the door at 2 in the morning.
- I cooked and gave his people form the village chicken.
- I looked a male visitor in the face.
- The curtain was not straight.
- I was not responding in bed which meant I probably got it somewhere else.

He had this habit of summoning a "tribunal" made up of his family or friends and they would start querying me. I just did not understand it. I did not dare tell them what was going on because that would only attract another beating. Well noted the whole time kneeling and only apologizing. Finally one day I showed some women my bruises. They were shocked. After my ex had hit me the first time on the face and got rebuked from a senior officer he never made that mistake again. He would hit me more on my trunk upper arms and upper legs. He told me that those were parts of my body I had no right to expose to another man. So it actually went quite unnoticed, only that I would limp at times and sometimes I could not even sit down. IT was bad.

Then he had this sick habit of asking me to take off my undies for him to control when I came back home. At a stage he even wanted to inspect me. Why wold I protest if I was innocent he would ask.

Did I ever mention a woman I knew who was raped when the daughter was just a day old and all the stitches bust
In the early hours of the night I begged him to take me to the hospital to be stitched back because the longer it was open, the less the chance of healing. It took so long, the baby cried and cried while they were stitching me and my husband ordered the nurse to put the baby on my breast. I was in so much pain because the doctor did not use enough anesthetics. Being a military hospital the nurse complied and was trying to hold the baby on my breast. I pleaded with her not to. I didn't want my daughter to drink my pain
She put her finger into the baby´ baby´s mouth.

Yes it was bad and it was getting really SICK!

Then he decided to take another wife. He brought a man and a batman to do all the chore for him, did not eat my food. He locked me out of my room. would have to wait for him to come home late in the night and then he would open his room and ask me to come and sleep there. In the morning he would let me enter my room to change. He took the car away from me. Made me give him all my salary.

Then finally I took the step. I went to visit his people in the village to explain that I could not cope. They had nothing to say except that I should go but alone.
I went home to my family, they said I could go but he could not put me up. He did not want the army in his home.
So I called my grandmother in Germany. God bless her departed soul! She went the very next day to the airline and booked one way tickets for me and the kids. I told my ex that my grand grand mum had invited me to Germany with the kid`s to see her now she was getting old. He let me go happily because he was planning his wedding.

When you read all this you would realize that it was constructive desertion-

My ex by his action made it impossible/ forced me to live for me to stay.
When a man makes it impossible for you to stay. Then you are not leaving the home but the man sent you off.

I wish I could proudly say I left on my own free will. But I actually had no choice.

After leaving the marriage the greatest bitterness was giving that man the best years of my life.

OMG!!!!

cococandy:
never mind my dear. Don't wanna change the trajectory of the thread.

Okay

mutter:
Thumbs up.
There is so mature and genuine. I love this thread.
It is like balsam to the soul.

Please for any of you in an abusive marriage. Pick up your courage and leave. God will always find a way to make it right.
When I left my ex with kids I was headed into the unknown. Yes I was lucky that I had the opportunity to go to Germany but I went through a great deal of pans, hard work, adjusting and trying to find my feet.
Yes I paid a very high price for leaving but it was worth it at the end and God remained faithful.

What kept me so long in that marriage was also pressure. From seeing others marriage work out, from family. Everyone kept giving advice like be humble, be obedient and the beating will stop. That was the biggest mistake because it just got worse.
The things I got beaten for were absurd.
- I did not hear him at the door at 2 in the morning.
- I cooked and gave his people form the village chicken.
- I looked a male visitor in the face.
- The curtain was not straight.
- I was not responding in bed which meant I probably got it somewhere else.

He had this habit of summoning a "tribunal" made up of his family or friends and they would start querying me. I just did not understand it. I did not dare tell them what was going on because that would only attract another beating. Well noted the whole time kneeling and only apologizing. Finally one day I showed some women my bruises. They were shocked. After my ex had hit me the first time on the face and got rebuked from a senior officer he never made that mistake again. He would hit me more on my trunk upper arms and upper legs. He told me that those were parts of my body I had no right to expose to another man. So it actually went quite unnoticed, only that I would limp at times and sometimes I could not even sit down. IT was bad.

Then he had this sick habit of asking me to take off my undies for him to control when I came back home. At a stage he even wanted to inspect me. Why wold I protest if I was innocent he would ask.

Did I ever mention a woman I knew who was raped when the daughter was just a day old and all the stitches bust
In the early hours of the night I begged him to take me to the hospital to be stitched back because the longer it was open, the less the chance of healing. It took so long, the baby cried and cried while they were stitching me and my husband ordered the nurse to put the baby on my breast. I was in so much pain because the doctor did not use enough anesthetics. Being a military hospital the nurse complied and was trying to hold the baby on my breast. I pleaded with her not to. I didn't want my daughter to drink my pain
She put her finger into the baby´ baby´s mouth.

Yes it was bad and it was getting really SICK!

Then he decided to take another wife. He brought a man and a batman to do all the chore for him, did not eat my food. He locked me out of my room. would have to wait for him to come home late in the night and then he would open his room and ask me to come and sleep there. In the morning he would let me enter my room to change. He took the car away from me. Made me give him all my salary.

Then finally I took the step. I went to visit his people in the village to explain that I could not cope. They had nothing to say except that I should go but alone.
I went home to my family, they said I could go but he could not put me up. He did not want the army in his home.
So I called my grandmother in Germany. God bless her departed soul! She went the very next day to the airline and booked one way tickets for me and the kids. I told my ex that my grand grand mum had invited me to Germany with the kid`s to see her now she was getting old. He let me go happily because he was planning his wedding.

When you read all this you would realize that it was constructive desertion-

My ex by his action made it impossible/ forced me to live for me to stay.
When a man makes it impossible for you to stay. Then you are not leaving the home but the man sent you off.

I wish I could proudly say I left on my own free will. But I actually had no choice.

After leaving the marriage the greatest bitterness was giving that man the best years of my life.

O Jesus! Jesus!!!! you went through hell

babyosisi:
Out of the stories of love and marriage I have heard from friends and acquaintances regarding how they met their husbands ,I only have one friend that tells me she was never in love with her husband from day one,they are still married till this day but she said there is no sexual attraction to him whatsoever.
She said she married him out of fear that nobody will come.
She was a party girl and dated many men and did shakara to many that came to marry her and all of a sudden years went by and everyone was getting married and suddenly she found herself at 29 and no one was coming so according to her,she cried to God to send her someone because she didn't want to be single and 30 and co incidentally this man came and asked her hand and she said I do and married him.
They have children together and are man and wife ,no plans to divorce,she accepted marriage to a man she has absolutely no ounce of attraction to and just managing things.he is nice to her and the kids but she doesn't love him.
I felt so sad to hear this .

Just like the woman above,you are not in love with this man and I wouldn't advice you to go on with that wedding

Be very sincere there is something about him you don't like and you cannot get past it .You have forced yourself to overlook it but you really cannot.Do you want to share what that is?that could be what you need to address
Like I told the other young girl,this should be a great time for you where you can't wait to see each other and talk to each other and make plans for your life together and look forward to it with excitement.If it's not happening something is not right.Looks like he isn't the one

Hmm, I think you might have hit the nail on the head with the bolded. I realised I have a problem with his dentition. And because we got to see twice( after talking for close to a year) before I agreed to date him, I didn't notice it very well. Its not a horrible one but I just think I would have preferred an almost white one. Other than that though, he's goodlooking and tall. So maybe that isn't really the problem?

Also, I'm just about hitting my mid 20s and I'm very far from being a 'bad' girl so it's not about settling for him because someone else will not show up due to my past or my age or how I look. I just want to be sure I won't be making a mistake leaving the relationship for the unknown.

Ma'am, I read stories about people's husband's and it scares me. I just want someone that would give me peace of mind. His goodness isn't about riches, I met him when he was still a youth corper and started dating him even before he got his first job. He respects me, adores me, motivates me and inspires me. I like his personality, his sense of humour, it's JUST that chemistry I'm having issues with.

Let me chip this in. I met someone 6months ago, who I was attracted to but I didn't have any relationship with him, I still respect my relationship and would rather leave than cheat on my boyfriend. I just kept this guy as a friend as he promised heaven and earth just to date me and possibly marry me but Something in me kept telling me there was something not genuine about him. One way or the other I found out he had already done introduction to be married soon, yet he acted like he was really into me. I confronted him and he admitted and..the rest is history.

I then imagined if I had left my relationship for him because I felt I was attracted to him only to be hit with such a betrayal. Sigh

T3amo

Sounds like a mail order husband. *drake voice* don't do it please don't do it!

No men where you live? Where do you live?

mutter:
Five years is a long time to keep yourself and him hanging

A man can learn how to kiss. If he is a good man, then he is indeed a gift from God.
When he goes to the US he can also find his feet, other men have done so before him.
You probably get tired of him because he is in a disadvantageous position compared to you.

I started crying from the inside.

'A man can learn how to kiss' when I've finished crying I'll start to think about how I feel about this.

*crying**laughing* *dying*

I've really missed this. . . . . *continues to cry* *thumbs up*

You again!!! Why won't you simply read and allow people that have something important to say to do so?

MojAyo:
maybe u kept doing the same thing dat makes him to hit u,children brought up in a divorced home takes marraige d way their parents take it,and it continues going on like dat in d family,if its something u re doing dats nt good,dat makes him to beat u,u need to change and dance to his tunes,men just dnt necessarily beat up a woman for nothing,if d nagging of a thing can stop for once,then he will stop beating u,cos u never knw what kind of behavior d next man u will marry have

FOREXMARTS:
No sane person will support what u went through, good a thing u got ur daughter. I still maintain my stand that if woman must leave as last resort don't leave without the kids.

thanks for ur understanding

Holy Cow!!!!!!!! @Mutter, he beat you because the curtain was not straight and raped you when you still had stitches oh my God, I don't even know what to say That man deserves to be bombed by boko haram
Thank God you left
and to think that his new wife would be dancing on her wedding day totally clueless on what she is about to walk into

Wow. This is really pathetic.
Pls if you are going through abuse, better separate from it. I don't care about what the society frown at esp when your life is at stake here.

Just pick up llittle clothings, money and walk.
You will survive.

This is just crazy and sickening.

What a sad ordeal at mutter story. Only if some men could treat women as humans with feelings than animals

Aunty babyosisi, my first question is HOW DO YOU KNOW HE IS THE ONE? I have this thing eating me up and I've been looking for who to talk to about it o. Its killing me inside.

bestestgirl:
Holy Cow!!!!!!!! @Mutter, he beat you because the curtain was not straight and raped you when you still had stitches oh my God, I don't even know what to say That man deserves to be bombed by boko haram
Thank God you left
and to think that his new wife would be dancing on her wedding day totally clueless on what she is about to walk into

My daughter was 26 hours old!

He is on his fouth marriage after me and told me recently he wants to get married again.

After reading through the various stories, marriage is looking like a very bad idea to me.

I hope I won't develop nuptial-phobia from this.

See them Ooo¿ and yet they won't stop running after small-small boys with Swag¿ na dem go wan be ur godmother so that they can get close to your cute husby/boyfriend¿ tufiakwa¿ pls pls pls and pls, if you want ur relationship to last, mind how you involve these Milfs¿ some of them get small sense sa

cococandy:
Confused.

I know why you are confused,i quite get you but ......

mutter:
My daughter was 26 hours old!

He is on his fouth marriage after me and told me recently he wants to get married again.

This clearly shows that he has not changed at all, the women are still running in and running out, one day he will meet the one that will have the mind to slip some otapiapia into his food.
I cant even call him an animal because animals can't even do what he did. Meanwhile don't even waste your bitterness on him, you didn't give him your best years, your best years are still coming.
just take this e-hug {{{{{{{{Mutter}}}}}}}}

bestestgirl:
Thanks. thats what I keep telling myself, guess I just have to start believing.

Good. Keep telling yourself, it may take a little time but it will manifest if you dont stop saying it.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

Reading what mutter went through in her previous marriage and some of her stance in many threads we have here,i quite understand her.

the abuse did not change who mutter is,her personality or her beliefs about marriage;some women who go through abuse suffer tremendously mentally.They become bitter,angry,emotionless and vengeful.

I won't fault them ....only that it is also dangerous to take marital advices from such people-They are bitter,they don't see any good in matrimony.

But for those who left and have been able to keep their sanity in check,evaluate each and every marriages differently without emotions.

Eg: a woman whose husband has slapped in a heated argument and only happens once to a woman who has been battered from day one in the union,will we give the same advice?

edwife:
Reading what mutter went through in her previous marriage and some of her stance in many threads we have here,i quite understand her.

the abuse did not change who mutter is,her personality or her beliefs about marriage;some women who go through abuse suffer tremendously mentally.They become bitter,angry,emotionless and vengeful.

I won't fault them ....only that it is also dangerous to take marital advices from such people-They are bitter,they don't see any good in matrimony.

But for those who left and have been able to keep their sanity in check,evaluate each and every marriages differently without emotions.

Eg: a woman whose husband has slapped in a heated arguments and only happens once to a woman who has been battered from day one in the union,will we give the same advice?

Even more interesting

I don't get it. Mutter you went through all these, you survived yet you come hear preaching these same women follow the path you went through .

Either you want them to have a taste of your bitter experience or something is wrong somewhere .

If not why would you tell some abused wives to remain in such situations. Keep praying or fasting .

This is quite sickening.

edwife:
Reading what mutter went through in her previous marriage and some of her stance in many threads we have here,i quite understand her.

the abuse did not change who mutter is,her personality or her beliefs about marriage;some women who go through abuse suffer tremendously mentally.They become bitter,angry,emotionless and vengeful.
I won't fault them ....only that it is also dangerous to take marital advices from such people-They are bitter,they don't see any good in matrimony.

But for those who left and have been able to keep their sanity in check,evaluate each and every marriages differently without emotions.

Eg: a woman whose husband has slapped in a heated argument and only happens once to a woman who has been battered from day one in the union,will we give the same advice?

As for the second bolded, how can ones sanity be in check with this kind of abuse. I'm questioning my sanity just reading this.

Sorry but this is not the case. You escaped death yet you want others to pass through same experience , all for what. Something they can survive or not. Why gamble with that.