₦airaland Forum

babyosisi:
The same MIL will call him the best son in law in the world

LOLs!

harveyspec:
I'm not married o, but I keep telling my mum that this present generation's mentality is different from theirs

so wisdom should be used when dealing with the youth, likewise the youth when dealing with elders

So if your FIL/MIL is above 60, then they will definitely have issues with hubby working around the house cos in their time it wasn't the norm excerpt in few homes( which was considered an anomaly)

Most elders will have an issue with hubby working in the house, they will view him as a "wussy". So for the few days they will be around, just manage & when they leave, hubby should return back to the way things were

My two cents!! I stand to be corrected

harveyspec:
Ok, I have a family friend, the mum stays with them, the guy wakes up in the morning to sweep the house, bath the kids, I nor know wetin madam dey do.
It was a very big issue, the mom had to calm down but trust me, she ain't happy with the wife
Abroad that might not count but here in Nigeria, it does count, you are suppose to be receiving prayers from your elders & not curses or insult
imagine this guy will be removing cobwebs from the house, washing curtains etc not that madam is sick o or has a hectic schedule o
if its about education, the guy is a lecturer but I nor know whether him case still normal
No elder will feel comfortable with such reversal of role(cos that's how they see it), just jejely pretend till they go, but if its an elongated stay, so help you God

The issue is that such in-laws are very hypocritical

The same MIL in your story will be glad her daughter caught a good man if she sees her SIL doing half her son is doing.

My future SIL will have a supporter in me once she doesn't look for trouble...

If my mum ever decides to say ... A, B, C is not right for a guy to do, she go hear am

It is well

babyosisi:
You husband didn't handle this well
There will be another occasion and another,what will he do,keep hiding and pretending in his own house to please his mother?
For how long?
This is the time to nip this in the bud
Like the poster above advised,he should have politely responded,"mama I actually enjoy cooking sometimes"
Let her raise hell that one time if she wants to ,then she'll get used to it
The son is the best person to keep his mother in check because if he doesn't,I promise you ,one day she will say something provoking to you and you'll be forced to respond and as soon as you respond in the measure you have been treated,son and mother will bind together on one side and you become the enemy.

my husband has never done dat b4. He usually stands up for me in any situation with his people but I don't know why dis is an exception.

harveyspec:
Ok, I have a family friend, the mum stays with them, the guy wakes up in the morning to sweep the house, bath the kids, I nor know wetin madam dey do.

It was a very big issue, the mom had to calm down but trust me, she ain't happy with the wife

Abroad that might not count but here in Nigeria, it does count, you are suppose to be receiving prayers from your elders & not curses or insult

imagine this guy will be removing cobwebs from the house, washing curtains etc not that madam is sick o or has a hectic schedule o

if its about education, the guy is a lecturer but I nor know whether him case still normal

No elder will feel comfortable with such reversal of role(cos that's how they see it), just jejely pretend till they go, but if its an elongated stay, so help you God

my husband wouldn't sweep or bath d kids. Yes, no one will be comfortable with d reversal of roles but sometimes a man helps his wife with some things

bukatyne:
The issue is that such in-laws are very hypocritical

The same MIL in your story will be glad her daughter caught a good man if she sees her SIL doing half her son is doing.

My future SIL will have a supporter in me once she doesn't look for trouble...

If my mum ever decides to say ... A, B, C is not right for a guy to do, she go hear am

It is well

But Ma, as a woman, how will you feel seeing your brother washing his wife's clothes? (manual washing o, not washing machine)

Won't you feel somehow?

@babyosisi, I agree with you that a man ought to help the wife with some chores but there still a whole lot of things we are yet to come to terms with in Nigeria

Washing clothes
Washing plates
Cooking
Cleaning the house
Going to the market

These activities are still being viewed as a woman's thing so most folks will frown if a man takes upon these things.

Me personally, I don't have a problem with it, though there will be a limit & the moment u abuse it, everything will be revoked.

Some women really know how to abuse such gestures !!!

But how did our mothers cope, cos in their time, they treated their husbands as lord & masters

In my tribe, there is this saying, more of a title
Odoneehimwen( my husband owner of my soul)

So when a typical Bini calls his wife, she responds by saying "odonehimwnen"

But today the story is different, so it pays to know your spouses disposition to these things, is he/she holding on to that traditional view of the man is lord & master or is he/she a hybrid of the modern world/traditional view or solely modern view

This way, it will save u alot of heartache

Me, I'm a hybrid

emeraldoe:
my husband wouldn't sweep or bath d kids. Yes, no one will be comfortable with d reversal of roles but sometimes a man helps his wife with some things

Mine would bathe,vacuum and feed the babies when they were little.he also did laundry and I did most of the cooking.its good when they help out.

My elder brother washes', cooks, and does more for his wife. We all applaud him when we see... Because this dude was particularly very lazy back then...we used to pity his wife.

harveyspec:
But Ma, as a woman, how will you feel seeing your brother washing his wife's clothes? (manual washing o, not washing machine)

Won't you feel somehow?

@babyosisi, I agree with you that a man ought to help the wife with some chores but there still a whole lot of things we are yet to come to terms with in Nigeria

Washing clothes
Washing plates
Cooking
Cleaning the house
Going to the market

These activities are still being viewed as a woman's thing so most folks will frown if a man takes upon these things.

Me personally, I don't have a problem with it, though there will be a limit & the moment u abuse it, everything will be revoked.

Some women really know how to abuse such gestures !!!

But how did our mothers cope, cos in their time, they treated their husbands as lord & masters

In my tribe, there is this saying, more of a title
Odoneehimwen( my husband owner of my soul)

So when a typical Bini calls his wife, she responds by saying "odonehimwnen"

But today the story is different, so it pays to know your spouses disposition to these things, is he/she holding on to that traditional view of the man is lord & master or is he/she a hybrid of the modern world/traditional view or solely modern view

This way, it will save u alot of heartache

Me, I'm a hybrid

My husband loves to reverse roles. He baths our son(who won't even let me touch him when the dad is around).

When he is home and I am out, he would happily fix lunch or dinner as the spirit leads him.

Those things makes me happy.

emeraldoe:
my husband wouldn't sweep or bath d kids. Yes, no one will be comfortable with d reversal of roles but sometimes a man helps his wife with some things

harveyspec:
But Ma, as a woman, how will you feel seeing your brother washing his wife's clothes? (manual washing o, not washing machine)

Won't you feel somehow?

@babyosisi, I agree with you that a man ought to help the wife with some chores but there still a whole lot of things we are yet to come to terms with in Nigeria

Washing clothes
Washing plates
Cooking
Cleaning the house
Going to the market

These activities are still being viewed as a woman's thing so most folks will frown if a man takes upon these things.

Me personally, I don't have a problem with it, though there will be a limit & the moment u abuse it, everything will be revoked.

Some women really know how to abuse such gestures !!!

But how did our mothers cope, cos in their time, they treated their husbands as lord & masters

In my tribe, there is this saying, more of a title
Odoneehimwen( my husband owner of my soul)

So when a typical Bini calls his wife, she responds by saying "odonehimwnen"

But today the story is different, so it pays to know your spouses disposition to these things, is he/she holding on to that traditional view of the man is lord & master or is he/she a hybrid of the modern world/traditional view or solely modern view

This way, it will save u alot of heartache

Me, I'm a hybrid

I won't feel a thing and I would commend my brother for helping his wife.i am a wife and I know we need that help.
My husband did laundry including my clothes
He vacuumed occasionally
He bathed all our kids,I stopped him from bathing the girls after the age of 5.
It's good for men to help
Please don't compare a woman you marry in 2015 to your mother or grandmother,the situations are not the same
People evolve over time so we can't be using cell phones and internet and insist the wife cooks with firewood because their grandma did it

There is no man or woman chore etched in stone
Whatever works for the family becomes their style.
My father always bought the rice,yams ,goat meat and beans in my house growing up,in some families the woman did
I take my car to the mechanic for oil change and repairs,I don't wait for my husband to do it

Let me make this clear,the average nigerian man is not born with a willingness to help the woman in domestic stuff,you need to ask for it to happen.
He never saw his father or uncles do it.He saw his mother work her hands to the bones catering for everyone if there were no maids and probably just saw his sisters help as they got older.
My husband cooked me a meal on our first date and after he married me and realized later on, I couldn't quite cook .he continued to cook and taught me how to make certain things after marriage.His mother taught the boys to cook and I benefited from that.


Later on he backed off completely and I did it all
Our babies came soon after marriage and I was still doing everything
(The only time he cooks is when I am in the hospital having a baby.He will bring yam peppersoup to the hospital the next day and the fridge will be full of cooked food to last a few weeks.)
By the second baby,I was still doing it all it became unbearable and I suffered in silence because I figured that was what a good wife should do but I would complain about it and give hints until one day I actually broke down and cried hysterically.
We were getting ready for church Oga was eating breakfast.I fed and dressed up my almost two year old and was getting the baby ready,I turned around,the 2 year old had taken off her shoes and jacket and put a stain on her dress.i still had the baby bag to pack,get myself ready to make it to church where I led praise and worship and couldn't afford to be late.
I felt so overwhelmed and just cried asking why he couldn't just help rather than just sit and eat while I was struggling
Told him I couldn't do all this by myself
That was when he realized it was a lot of work for me,sometimes the man doesn't just know you need help.
From that moment on,he started to help on Sundays with baths,feeding and anything I asked,well most not everything(the machines will come out a times )
And by the time I started working my "ogwu aja jobs",he would bathe the youngest one and dress them up as long as I laid out all the clothes
So from that moment on,it got easier
I made sure to let him know how appreciative I was
By the time the third child came along,he started doing most of the midnight feeds and the baths too.
I will even run away to another room to catch some sleep when the baby wakes up,he will warm the bottle and give it to the baby.

Now the kids are older and do most of things by themselves,he is back to his old self
He won't pick up a pin
And that's ok
We have people to do that not just me

.

babyosisi:
The same MIL will call him the best son in law in the world

they want the best for their kids.

babyosisi:
Let me make this clear,the average nigerian man is not born with a willingness to help the woman in domestic stuff
He never saw his father or uncles do it.He saw his mother work her hands to the home catering for everyone if there were no maids and probably just saw his sisters help as they got older.
My husband cooked me a meal on our first date and after he married me and realized later on, I couldn't quite cook .he continued to cook and taught me how to make certain things after marriage.His mother taught the boys to cook and I benefited from that.


Later on he backed off completely and I did it all
Our babies came soon after marriage and I was still doing everything
(The only time he cooks is when I am in the hospital having a baby.He will bring yam peppersoup to the hospital the next day and the fridge will be full of cooked food to last a few weeks.)
By the second baby,I was still doing it all it became unbearable and I suffered in silence because I figured that was what a good wife should do but I would complain about it and give hints until one day I actually broke down and cried hysterically.
We were getting ready for church Oga was eating breakfast.I fed and dressed up my almost two year old and was getting the baby ready,I turned around,the 2 year old had taken off her shoes and jacket and put a stain on her dress.i still had the baby bag to pack,get myself ready to make it to church where I led praise and worship and couldn't afford to be late.
I felt so overwhelmed and just cried asking why he couldn't just help rather than just sit and eat while I was struggling
Told him I couldn't do all this by myself
That was when he realized it was a lot of work for me,sometimes the man doesn't just know you need help.
From that moment on,he started to help on Sundays with baths,feeding and anything I asked,well most not everything(the machines will come out a times )
And by the time I started working my "ogwu aja jobs",he would bathe the youngest one and dress them up as long as I laid out all the clothes
So from that moment on,it got easier
I made sure to let him know how appreciative I was
By the time the third child came along,he started doing most of the midnight feeds and the baths too.
I will even run away to another room to catch some sleep when the baby wakes up,he will warm the bottle and give it to the baby.

Now the kids are older and do most of things by themselves,he is back to his old self
He won't pick up a pin
And that's ok
We have people to do that not just me

Don't mind them, they will cook for you during courtship and you will be smiling like fish happily let that ring enter your finger...

But I don't think all MIL believe that, I just asked Mama Onegai and she said "what is wrong with that? After all your father cooked weekends and let me rest". She thinks men should cook so anyday their wives bluff, they can handle themselves without starving.

And she's 65, so it depends on the family you're marrying into.

I don't have a MIL but my own mum was the one who kinda had issues with hubby going into the kitchen to sort himself out.I don't think I ever saw my dad in the kitchen cooking.He would wash cars,fix lightbulbs(or pay someone ) my dad was one of those people who felt chores were mundane and so if someone could do it for a fee then why bother doing it yourself(I take after him a lil in this area).

So my mum had some kind of shock when she would see my hubby come back from work enter the kitchen and make himself or sometimes the whole house Amala.She would say your hubby is in the kitchen and you are sitting down watching tv(also I think in her mind the fact that my husband is older than I am just made it worse ).I would say please let it make himself he is always complaining that mine has lumps.

She was even offended that he was implying that she did not 'train'me properly (that my mama ehn).I would say but I made the Soup naa you this woman what's your own.Should I tell him to make for you too?

This man grew up in Ibadan your amala can never be as fluffy as his(which is true no woman in my family can beat my hubby's amala ). it was a real culture shock for her but with time she got used to it.

I guess it's just different times,environments and upbringing. I can't really judge those who are shocked by it though neither do I think doing chores is a necessarily a yardstick for a good man because my father who I absolutely adore never did chores.my mum had sooo much domestic help while we were growing up and my dad was never the 'you must cook ad serve and watch me eat type'.As long as there was sha food to eat he could never be fussed about who made it.

The one I might never have been able to cope with are those who won't help and also won't let you get or pay for help.

babyosisi:
I made sure to let him know how appreciative I was

thanks for all you wrote, but this one stands out & I'm sure this is why your husband continued to do them

If it were to be all this "equal right, 21st century feminist", it will be a different ball game

It's so sad you went through all this, all in the name of marriage!
Some men are real beasts, but one thing I have understood in this world is that The Law of sowing and Reaping is real and Karma is a real Bitc.h
Thank God you left him.
No matter what a lady does, no man should ever lay his hand on his wife to beat.

mutter:
Thumbs up.
There is so mature and genuine. I love this thread.
It is like balsam to the soul.

Please for any of you in an abusive marriage. Pick up your courage and leave. God will always find a way to make it right.
When I left my ex with kids I was headed into the unknown. Yes I was lucky that I had the opportunity to go to Germany but I went through a great deal of pans, hard work, adjusting and trying to find my feet.
Yes I paid a very high price for leaving but it was worth it at the end and God remained faithful.

What kept me so long in that marriage was also pressure. From seeing others marriage work out, from family. Everyone kept giving advice like be humble, be obedient and the beating will stop. That was the biggest mistake because it just got worse.
The things I got beaten for were absurd.
- I did not hear him at the door at 2 in the morning.
- I cooked and gave his people form the village chicken.
- I looked a male visitor in the face.
- The curtain was not straight.
- I was not responding in bed which meant I probably got it somewhere else.

He had this habit of summoning a "tribunal" made up of his family or friends and they would start querying me. I just did not understand it. I did not dare tell them what was going on because that would only attract another beating. Well noted the whole time kneeling and only apologizing. Finally one day I showed some women my bruises. They were shocked. After my ex had hit me the first time on the face and got rebuked from a senior officer he never made that mistake again. He would hit me more on my trunk upper arms and upper legs. He told me that those were parts of my body I had no right to expose to another man. So it actually went quite unnoticed, only that I would limp at times and sometimes I could not even sit down. IT was bad.

Then he had this sick habit of asking me to take off my undies for him to control when I came back home. At a stage he even wanted to inspect me. Why wold I protest if I was innocent he would ask.

Did I ever mention a woman I knew who was raped when the daughter was just a day old and all the stitches bust
In the early hours of the night I begged him to take me to the hospital to be stitched back because the longer it was open, the less the chance of healing. It took so long, the baby cried and cried while they were stitching me and my husband ordered the nurse to put the baby on my breast. I was in so much pain because the doctor did not use enough anesthetics. Being a military hospital the nurse complied and was trying to hold the baby on my breast. I pleaded with her not to. I didn't want my daughter to drink my pain
She put her finger into the baby´ baby´s mouth.

Yes it was bad and it was getting really SICK!

Then he decided to take another wife. He brought a man and a batman to do all the chore for him, did not eat my food. He locked me out of my room. would have to wait for him to come home late in the night and then he would open his room and ask me to come and sleep there. In the morning he would let me enter my room to change. He took the car away from me. Made me give him all my salary.

Then finally I took the step. I went to visit his people in the village to explain that I could not cope. They had nothing to say except that I should go but alone.
I went home to my family, they said I could go but he could not put me up. He did not want the army in his home.
So I called my grandmother in Germany. God bless her departed soul! She went the very next day to the airline and booked one way tickets for me and the kids. I told my ex that my grand grand mum had invited me to Germany with the kid`s to see her now she was getting old. He let me go happily because he was planning his wedding.

When you read all this you would realize that it was constructive desertion-

My ex by his action made it impossible/ forced me to live for me to stay.
When a man makes it impossible for you to stay. Then you are not leaving the home but the man sent you off.

I wish I could proudly say I left on my own free will. But I actually had no choice.

After leaving the marriage the greatest bitterness was giving that man the best years of my life.

harveyspec:
thanks for all you wrote, but this one stands out & I'm sure this is why your husband continued to do them

If it were to be all this "equal right, 21st century feminist", it will be a different ball game

The thread is beginning to wind down but I feel there is so much unsaid
Everybody appreciates praise
And it makes them want to do more.It works.

I wrote earlier that in my quest to change my husband and beat him into shape,I was the one that changed my actions and approach and that change produced the change I was looking for.
It works with men, reasonable men I mean

Let me give a typical example
Azubuike is going to the store Saturday morning to buy shaving cream and I say please can you buy me a few things like gallon of milk,ovaltine and before I say the third one,he says ,please you may have to go to the store yourself later and get those but before he heads off I will be upset and retort " azubuike you will also drink that milk and so will your children,you always do blah blah blah,you never do blah blah blah ,he slams the door as I am speaking and leave, knowing that I will be waiting to continue from where I stopped when he returns,he may decide to make that 30 minutes outing a 3 hour absence.
Of course I am fuming and boiling over and waiting for him to return.

Now

Same scenario,I can assure you 99% his answer will be yes

What changed?
I changed my method

I will ask,he says no,I will say ok see you soon then.He leaves
Then he comes home with that gallon of milk

I figured this method works much better
Speaking not in anger,not in a combative way,works with men,they hate their authority challenged
So I adopted that means
It works so well,I can't even begin to tell you
There is practically nothing I will ask of my husband that he wouldn't do today
The singular key was learning not to challenge his authority

Women want to know that they mean the world to their husbands and that he loves them and they want to feel it and hear it
They need to be reassured that he loves them constantly
That is how we are by our feminine make up
I learned by experience,not from a book that with the same intensity with which women crave that assurance of affection,men crave to know that they are respected and are seen as the head of their home and that their opinion matters.
I am a pretty strong female character but I know exactly what not to do at home and I didn't learn it overnight
Whenever there is a conflict of opinion in family issues,I always go with what Oga decides
Always.
Guess what
Many times,he will tow my line because I didn't argue with his

Wow!! WHAT AN EDUCATIVE THREAD.
I grew up seeing my Dad help my mum handle house chores and he still cooks till now whenever they are the only ones at home and she busy or very tired. So it happens! Some time I even think he is overdoing it by cooking while she's marking or preparing her lecture notes, but he'll be like, it's none of my business.

babyosisi:
Let me make this clear,the average nigerian man is not born with a willingness to help the woman in domestic stuff,you need to ask for it to happen.
He never saw his father or uncles do it.He saw his mother work her hands to the bones catering for everyone if there were no maids and probably just saw his sisters help as they got older.
My husband cooked me a meal on our first date and after he married me and realized later on, I couldn't quite cook .he continued to cook and taught me how to make certain things after marriage.His mother taught the boys to cook and I benefited from that.


Later on he backed off completely and I did it all
Our babies came soon after marriage and I was still doing everything
(The only time he cooks is when I am in the hospital having a baby.He will bring yam peppersoup to the hospital the next day and the fridge will be full of cooked food to last a few weeks.)
By the second baby,I was still doing it all it became unbearable and I suffered in silence because I figured that was what a good wife should do but I would complain about it and give hints until one day I actually broke down and cried hysterically.
We were getting ready for church Oga was eating breakfast.I fed and dressed up my almost two year old and was getting the baby ready,I turned around,the 2 year old had taken off her shoes and jacket and put a stain on her dress.i still had the baby bag to pack,get myself ready to make it to church where I led praise and worship and couldn't afford to be late.
I felt so overwhelmed and just cried asking why he couldn't just help rather than just sit and eat while I was struggling
Told him I couldn't do all this by myself
That was when he realized it was a lot of work for me,sometimes the man doesn't just know you need help.
From that moment on,he started to help on Sundays with baths,feeding and anything I asked,well most not everything(the machines will come out a times )
And by the time I started working my "ogwu aja jobs",he would bathe the youngest one and dress them up as long as I laid out all the clothes
So from that moment on,it got easier
I made sure to let him know how appreciative I was
By the time the third child came along,he started doing most of the midnight feeds and the baths too.
I will even run away to another room to catch some sleep when the baby wakes up,he will warm the bottle and give it to the baby.

Now the kids are older and do most of things by themselves,he is back to his old self
He won't pick up a pin
And that's ok
We have people to do that not just me

Wow!! WHAT AN EDUCATIVE THREAD.
I grew up seeing my Dad help my mum handle house chores and he still cooks till now whenever they are the only ones at home and she busy or very tired. So it happens! Some time I even think he is overdoing it by cooking while she's marking or preparing her lecture notes, but he'll be like, it's none of my business.

babyosisi:
Let me make this clear,the average nigerian man is not born with a willingness to help the woman in domestic stuff,you need to ask for it to happen.
He never saw his father or uncles do it.He saw his mother work her hands to the bones catering for everyone if there were no maids and probably just saw his sisters help as they got older.
My husband cooked me a meal on our first date and after he married me and realized later on, I couldn't quite cook .he continued to cook and taught me how to make certain things after marriage.His mother taught the boys to cook and I benefited from that.


Later on he backed off completely and I did it all
Our babies came soon after marriage and I was still doing everything
(The only time he cooks is when I am in the hospital having a baby.He will bring yam peppersoup to the hospital the next day and the fridge will be full of cooked food to last a few weeks.)
By the second baby,I was still doing it all it became unbearable and I suffered in silence because I figured that was what a good wife should do but I would complain about it and give hints until one day I actually broke down and cried hysterically.
We were getting ready for church Oga was eating breakfast.I fed and dressed up my almost two year old and was getting the baby ready,I turned around,the 2 year old had taken off her shoes and jacket and put a stain on her dress.i still had the baby bag to pack,get myself ready to make it to church where I led praise and worship and couldn't afford to be late.
I felt so overwhelmed and just cried asking why he couldn't just help rather than just sit and eat while I was struggling
Told him I couldn't do all this by myself
That was when he realized it was a lot of work for me,sometimes the man doesn't just know you need help.
From that moment on,he started to help on Sundays with baths,feeding and anything I asked,well most not everything(the machines will come out a times )
And by the time I started working my "ogwu aja jobs",he would bathe the youngest one and dress them up as long as I laid out all the clothes
So from that moment on,it got easier
I made sure to let him know how appreciative I was
By the time the third child came along,he started doing most of the midnight feeds and the baths too.
I will even run away to another room to catch some sleep when the baby wakes up,he will warm the bottle and give it to the baby.

Now the kids are older and do most of things by themselves,he is back to his old self
He won't pick up a pin
And that's ok
We have people to do that not just me

sparkleboy:
Wow!! WHAT AN EDUCATIVE THREAD.
I grew up seeing my Dad help my mum handle house chores and he still cooks till now whenever they are the only ones at home and she busy or very tired. So it happens! Some time I even think he is overdoing it by cooking while she's marking or preparing her lecture notes, but he'll be like, it's none of my business.

That is a great husband
Sadly many men won't do this
Some won't even help when the woman asks for help
That is why I am warning the ladies to study the man at courtship,many of these men can be weeded off at courtship
Know your man
Study him well
Don't marry a stranger
Get your priorities about a good husband right
You will have less headaches

On a lighter note
I don't really care for hubby cooking to be frank
He makes a mess when he cooks,soup will drop everywhere including the floor
He won't keep the spoon on a spoon holder or plate,it will be hanging off somewhere dripping soup and that will irritate me to see
He makes his farina( ground rice fufu) nightly and the rice powder is sprinkled everywhere
He doesn't wash plates,never does
He is a messy cook
So if he cooks,I still have to come do the washing up and cleaning the counter tops and everywhere
I clean while I cook so when I'm done the place is spotless like before I started.
For that reason I would rather do the cooking

bukatyne:
The issue is that such in-laws are very hypocritical

The same MIL in your story will be glad her daughter caught a good man if she sees her SIL doing half her son is doing.

My future SIL will have a supporter in me once she doesn't look for trouble...

If my mum ever decides to say ... A, B, C is not right for a guy to do, she go hear am

It is well

Your future DIL you mean.
So it's ok to see your son constantly sweeping, cooking and washing pots when you visit him and his wife?
You'll end up despising the wife.
Some things are not just meant to be seen.

babyosisi:
I figured this method works much better
Speaking not in anger,not in a combative way,works with men,they hate their authority challenged

So I adopted that means

It works so well,I can't even begin to tell you
There is practically nothing I will ask of my husband that he wouldn't do toda
The singular key was learning not to challenge his authority

i am a pretty strong female character but I know exactly what not to do at home and I didn't learn it overnight

Once again your example is a classic, an eye opener with lots of wisdom

but I'm awed that the above quote is coming from a lady who stays abroad, USA I presume.

I keep saying it that, that's how God ordained it but westernization has turned it around, hence the results we have today

Men have been known to divorce or kill their wives or start affairs because they were constantly being emasculated by their wives.

Sometimes when I watch films & hear the man complain about not being respected, I'll be like una dey value those things!!

the crave for Respect & authority for man is universal!!

The last paragraph of your quote above, is an explanation of the scripture that says "the woman is subject to the man"

"The" being the operative word, not just any man or your boss or colleague or male friend but "the man" which is one's husband

though you have a strong female character, you know where to draw the line with your husband but I'm sure you will waste no time putting any other man who steps out of line in their rightful place!!

Am I right?

babyosisi:
The thread is beginning to wind down but I feel there is so much unsaid
Everybody appreciates praise
And it makes them want to do more.It works.

I wrote earlier that in my quest to change my husband and beat him into shape,I was the one that changed my actions and approach and that change produced the change I was looking for.
It works with men, reasonable men I mean

Let me give a typical example
Azubuike is going to the store Saturday morning to buy shaving cream and I say please can you buy me a few things like gallon of milk,ovaltine and before I say the third one,he says ,please you may have to go to the store yourself later and get those but before he heads off I will be upset and retort " azubuike you will also drink that milk and so will your children,you always do blah blah blah,you never do blah blah blah ,he slams the door as I am speaking and leave, knowing that I will be waiting to continue from where I stopped when he returns,he may decide to make that 30 minutes outing a 3 hour absence.
Of course I am fuming and boiling over and waiting for him to return.

Now

Same scenario,I can assure you 99% his answer will be yes

What changed?
I changed my method

I will ask,he says no,I will say ok see you soon then.He leaves
Then he comes home with that gallon of milk

I figured this method works much better
Speaking not in anger,not in a combative way,works with men,they hate their authority challenged
So I adopted that means
It works so well,I can't even begin to tell you
There is practically nothing I will ask of my husband that he wouldn't do today
The singular key was learning not to challenge his authority

Women want to know that they mean the world to their husbands and that he loves them and they want to feel it and hear it
They need to be reassured that he loves them constantly
That is how we are by our feminine make up
I learned by experience,not from a book that with the same intensity with which women crave that assurance of affection,men crave to know that they are respected and are seen as the head of their home and that their opinion matters.
I am a pretty strong female character but I know exactly what not to do at home and I didn't learn it overnight
Whenever there is a conflict of opinion in family issues,I always go with what Oga decides
Always.
Guess what
Many times,he will tow my line because I didn't argue with his

One thing I may add is also the way the male brain works.Women are better able to think of many things at the same time but the male brain tends to focus on one thing at a time.
Telling your husband as he's going out to get something to pick A for you and then pick B around the corner and then........kind of frustrates men.We want to focus more on things we set out to do at a time rather than having to think of what others(wife) want us to get.
My wife also sends me on those errands and by the time I get back,I must have forgotten one item so by the time she starts saying get this, get that,I ask her to get them herself.
Your hubby eventually gets them because this time it was on his mind rather than you 'putting' it there.

Babyosisi. You are just so sweet. Am learning alot from you girls and guys.
My husband is the type dat can stay for weeks without talking to me when we hav a quarel. Even when he is wrong oh. I would have to be the one to break the silence, sometimes sef I go fake sickness for nite then he would be taking care of me. For morning everything don arrange. The issue is that I hate when we can't gist and laff. I don't know how I can handle this.

buggaboo:
Your future DIL you mean.
So it's ok to see your son constantly sweeping, cooking and washing pots when you visit him and his wife?
You'll end up despising the wife.
Some things are not just meant to be seen.

I mean my SIL

We are not all the same

Everyone run their home as they deem fit.

Who says some things are not meant to be seen

harveyspec:
But Ma, as a woman, how will you feel seeing your brother washing his wife's clothes? (manual washing o, not washing machine)

Won't you feel somehow?

@babyosisi, I agree with you that a man ought to help the wife with some chores but there still a whole lot of things we are yet to come to terms with in Nigeria

Washing clothes
Washing plates
Cooking
Cleaning the house
Going to the market

These activities are still being viewed as a woman's thing so most folks will frown if a man takes upon these things.

Me personally, I don't have a problem with it, though there will be a limit & the moment u abuse it, everything will be revoked.

Some women really know how to abuse such gestures !!!

But how did our mothers cope, cos in their time, they treated their husbands as lord & masters

In my tribe, there is this saying, more of a title
Odoneehimwen( my husband owner of my soul)

So when a typical Bini calls his wife, she responds by saying "odonehimwnen"

But today the story is different, so it pays to know your spouses disposition to these things, is he/she holding on to that traditional view of the man is lord & master or is he/she a hybrid of the modern world/traditional view or solely modern view

This way, it will save u alot of heartache

Me, I'm a hybrid

Sorry my response is coming late

@bold; if I do, then God will punish me because I enjoy much more from my hubby and my hubby will be very disappointed he has an hypocrite for a wife

My husband's 'appointment' means a lot to me

harveyspec:
thanks for all you wrote, but this one stands out & I'm sure this is why your husband continued to do them

If it were to be all this "equal right, 21st century feminist", it will be a different ball game

.

@babymama1,

Weldone for this beautiful thread

harveyspec:
thanks for all you wrote, but this one stands out & I'm sure this is why your husband continued to do them

If it were to be all this "equal right, 21st century feminist", it will be a different ball game

Please do not spoil this beautiful thread. Take your anti- feminism to another thread.

stages:
Babyosisi. You are just so sweet. Am learning alot from you girls and guys.
My husband is the type dat can stay for weeks without talking to me when we hav a quarel. Even when he is wrong oh. I would have to be the one to break the silence, sometimes sef I go fake sickness for nite then he would be taking care of me. For morning everything don arrange. The issue is that I hate when we can't gist and laff. I don't know how I can handle this.

Hmm
Thanks for the compliments
Many men are that way,holding onto grudges longer and
Do you know there are some that won't even look at you and your fake or real illness ?
A man that will stop to take care of you in sickness has a good heart,I don't think you should be faking illnesses though
Reach within and see if there's anything you can do differently to decrease those squabbles and your reactions to them

I don't believe in begging anyone when they are in the wrong
Sometimes refusing to be offended may be the solution
You learn how not to allow some little things dictate the mood in the house
Pick your battles.Some arguments can be squashed by just one person refusing to be dragged in
Change your style in some things and I assure you the arguments will be less

For instance he says stages,this your soup has a lot of salt again and you feel it ain't so
Rather than get offended and interpret that to mean that you are a bad cook with salty foods,you say really?
I could have sworn I put very little salt in this, sorry o
Men unlike women don't have many vocabularies,they are often short and straight to the point in their way of discussion so can come off as insensitive.

And finally he decided to talk after a long silence since Sunday. He is still saying No.

Cc: babyosisi
Bukatyne
Cococandy
Moca
Formarts...........

Chai. Nne. Been secretly waiting n hoping to hear d best of news from d sunday ish. Herz! Its high time u let lekan go. As Babyosisi said once, dere is no 1 particular man for u. Just hapu d tots of lekan, am sure someday uld look back n smile

Herzumpther:
And finally he decided to talk after a long silence since Sunday. He is still saying No.

Cc: babyosisi
Bukatyne
Cococandy
Moca
Formarts...........