Preprof:
Good evening all. I have been following this thread since inception but have not been able to comment. I created a new moniker for this purpose. There's an issue I'd like to table before the house and see what advice I would get.
I'm a final year student in one of the universities and have been in a relationship for about three years. My boyfriend has graduated and is currently serving.
Truth be told, I have always thought that I am in a perfect relationship until I spoke with a friend about what has been going on.
I love my bf to the point that I have made sacrifices for the relationship to go on. He disvirgined me. Whenever we have issues I am always the person that apologizes. He made me change my religious denomination.
Sex with him has been far from pleasurable. I do my best to satisfy him but he hardly cares if I enjoy the act. He craves a bj and I oblige him. He only started getting down on me recently. pre-intimacy is hard task for him and when he gets into me, he climaxes within a few minutes leaving me unsatisfied. I have tried to talk to him about it but he accused me of sleeping with other men. Once, he told me I was acting like a prostitute because I was tipsy due to some alcohol I took.
Early this year, he told all the numbers of guys I have on my phone.
I don't make financial demands on him but he hardly gives me anything. He told me to be content wwith what my mum gives me. He scolded me for making a hairstyle that he considered to be expensive (on top my own money o). I bail him out whenever he is in a fix.
He interrogates me about my whereabouts, who I am with and what I am doing everytime he calls.
I have never really caught him with another girl but I recently saw evidence that he was sexting with a girl. I didn't confront him about it.
I have not discussed my bf with anyone until my friend started asking me about him.
I decided to share this with a larger group so that I can get advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Cc: babyosisi, cococandy

Preprof,

What do you enjoy in this relationship?

babyosisi:


Now that you brought this up, let me share what you must never do sweetie pie
never say yes to the kids when my inlaw says no
I have been there and it's no fun
Children can be very manipulative and if they know you are the more likely to say yes( just like myself) they will come to you for approval of things they know their dad won't approve, you grant the request and the atmosphere in the house heats up for days.
Always confirm what your husband thinks before saying yes
I am not talking simple stuff like should I drink soda,can I eat a bar of candy but more serious stuff like should I go for a sleep over,go for a movie with Daniel and co and you know your husband doesn't particularly like your son hanging with Daniel,or promising them a certain gift or toy that Oga had already said could wait. when they get to their teens and can drive you better be speaking with one voice to bring up well balanced children.

You should always be on the same page with him as far as kids are concerned
My hubby ,like my dad can be very strict and in some things I would really want to go against him to do it and have,it is one if those mistakes,I have made in the past,don't do it,not worth it.
Instead appeal to him in the bedroom,away from the children and advocate for them
If he insists on saying No,that too should be your answer.
You need to present a united front always
Never ever undermine your husband's authority before the children,men don't take kindly to that

Very Very true

bukatyne:


.!

Wow thanks ma, I'm grateful

Just that I love her & I know she loves me, the thought of breaking her heart is bugging me & the whole idea of starting afresh.

It's a mixed feeling, once her drama starts, I want to pull out later on, I start reconsidering

The circle continues!!!

babyosisi:


Yes
I am njide and that is my true life story
We talk about it still from time to time and he always says thank God for that heavy rain
When the rough times come I always remember how we started and the passion and we try to rekindle that because we started well.
The love notes,the letters,the cards,the trips,dinners,planning on our future,picking out names for the children to come
So you see why I cannot understand getting married without passion
It won't work for me
I have to be madly and hopelessly in love first ,maybe by my nature

Wooooow!!

I had goose-bumps reading your story.

I have had that kind of romance once in my life and he was the one I dreamt of marrying. Thank God I did not . . .

I always wondered is such passion ever fizzles out . . It's obvious you and your hubby are still waxing strong so I guess not.

Wonderful story . . thanks for sharing.

queensmith:


Doesn't sound like a great deal. Then again to each his own.

Let me guess, there's a huge age difference in play?

Guess again . . .

bukatyne:



LOL!

True

Well some don't believe in the bolded

I have learnt to leave everyone to whatever works for them

Why don't they believe in me?

Mikwus:


That's the point..............they are all compatible when it comes to the genotype(I really feel blessed) and they don't mind settling with me...........another point is 90% of them are people who know me down to my home, and have been friends with me for a long time too

I think u are unnecessarily naive. sorry to say.
At 30, u shld know what u want, exactly. I think that man u'r waiting for, is manipulating u.
If u av many suitors and keep waiting on one man, u wld have no one but urself to blame.

Bolded:


Why don't they believe in me?

Because you are bolded

Wipe your tears.... don't cry

Now I believe in the bolded

Herzumpther:


He told my uncle he doesn't want me to marry Yoruba and my uncle demanded to know why. He just kept saying No in my dialect . my uncle he should stop being a tribalist that the young man sounds guenin and looks it. He told dad to look beyond tribe dad just kept saying no way

Can you believe he even asked lekes his age and where he stays? Lakes said he shuttles and dad said that's it, you want to decieve my daughter after having a wife in America. I trained my daughter well so she is not desperatly looking for how to go to America and mind you I can send her there if she wants. My uncle and mum just started laughing and dad was like I'm serious o.

@herz
let me add my uninvited two cents sharply

You selfishly hid your Lakes from your dad prior to sunday, thus depriving your dad of the opportunity to form an opinion of him as a person. Now, your dad has to form an opinion based on the little time they were within close quarters...any perceived bias will have greater weight and remember to your dad someone is coming to try to take[sic] his precious daughter, whom he absolutely loves and adores, away. That means he's a natural adversary...you have stacked the odds against Lakes.

That said, why do you like lakes? why do you think he can love you with the same amount (and possibly more) of love and affection etc etc ati be be lo, that your father does? why do you trust him to care for and protect you with, at the very least, the same amount of diligence that your father would? What are the similarities between him and your dad(if any this is key to persuading your dad, you need to point them out to him, most good dads tend to they are the best husband for his daughter )?

What you would need to do at this point is to relay to your dad, (this should usually be done over a period of time and by the man himself though), that Lakes is able and willing to look after you to the extent that he(your dad) thinks is necessary. My reading of the situation is that to your dad, your wellbeing is of utmost important and if you guys are able to get him to see that, it would be easier for him to let go of his dislike for lagos people.

Like he said, he doesn't have anything against lakes but from his experience, people from his(lakes) neck of the woods, don't seem to have what it takes to look after his(your dad) daughter. Ideally, one way to convince a girls parents/guardians, is through your actions over time, but in this case you guys (you and lakes) went straight to marriage thus short circuiting the process. Your goal should be to show your dad that lakes intentions and aspirations for you align with his(your dad's).

going back to ROM.

Ujujoan:


Wooooow!!

I had goose-bumps reading your story.

I have had that kind of romance once in my life and he was the one I dreamt of marrying. Thank God I did not . . .

I always wondered is such passion ever fizzles out . . It's obvious you and your hubby are still waxing strong so I guess not.

Wonderful story . . thanks for sharing.

What makes you think this wouldn't have worked out especially with the advantage of not spending time trying to build a chemistry between you two.
Are you of the opinion that there is only one man out there you could marry?

I am highly interested in talking about how to deal with the MIL.

Imagine this true story.
Its her wedding day and after all is done, ceremony's over and she is left with mother in law, she tells her, 'You are not the one I wanted for my son'.

Ladies in the house, how would you have handled this.

babyosisi:


Your pastor is very stupeed,you showed him a text about a woman talking about how she can't wait to see and ride his hard deek and he asks you to go beg the husband?
He is probably doing same on his wife
Listen to me and listen good
Do not beg anything
You heard me right,you've done nothing wrong,don't beg anybody ,not him,don't!



Please answer my other questions
Can your shop support you?
Did the pastor find you this husband?
Also answer the questions in my post about how you met this sicko
Then I will give a more detailed response when I return from church

Nonsense!

Seconded, that pastor na heavy werey.

Herzumpther:


He told my uncle he doesn't want me to marry Yoruba and my uncle demanded to know why. He just kept saying No in my dialect . my uncle he should stop being a tribalist that the young man sounds guenin and looks it. He told dad to look beyond tribe dad just kept saying no way

Can you believe he even asked lekes his age and where he stays? Lakes said he shuttles and dad said that's it, you want to decieve my daughter after having a wife in America. I trained my daughter well so she is not desperatly looking for how to go to America and mind you I can send her there if she wants. My uncle and mum just started laughing and dad was like I'm serious o.

Okay now ur Dad is not playing fair. Howdy?

Preprof:
Good evening all. I have been following this thread since inception but have not been able to comment. I created a new moniker for this purpose. There's an issue I'd like to table before the house and see what advice I would get.
I'm a final year student in one of the universities and have been in a relationship for about three years. My boyfriend has graduated and is currently serving.
Truth be told, I have always thought that I am in a perfect relationship until I spoke with a friend about what has been going on.
I love my bf to the point that I have made sacrifices for the relationship to go on. He disvirgined me. Whenever we have issues I am always the person that apologizes. He made me change my religious denomination.
Sex with him has been far from pleasurable. I do my best to satisfy him but he hardly cares if I enjoy the act. He craves a bj and I oblige him. He only started getting down on me recently. pre-intimacy is hard task for him and when he gets into me, he climaxes within a few minutes leaving me unsatisfied. I have tried to talk to him about it but he accused me of sleeping with other men. Once, he told me I was acting like a prostitute because I was tipsy due to some alcohol I took.
Early this year, he told all the numbers of guys I have on my phone.
I don't make financial demands on him but he hardly gives me anything. He told me to be content wwith what my mum gives me. He scolded me for making a hairstyle that he considered to be expensive (on top my own money o). I bail him out whenever he is in a fix.
He interrogates me about my whereabouts, who I am with and what I am doing everytime he calls.
I have never really caught him with another girl but I recently saw evidence that he was sexting with a girl. I didn't confront him about it.
I have not discussed my bf with anyone until my friend started asking me about him.
I decided to share this with a larger group so that I can get advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Cc: babyosisi, cococandy

WTF? (excuse my French). Are good men this scarce?

FOREXMARTS:


Okay now ur Dad is not playing fair. Howdy?

No he is not o and he has been quiet since that day. I'm good. How are you ?

Herzumpther:
No he is not o and he has been quiet since that day. I'm good. How are you ?

Adim okay. I guess he is sleeping over it. Await second reading.

Herzumpther:
No he is not o and he has been quiet since that day. I'm good. How are you ?

Nothing to be scared of. he is still considering options and would soon give in. dont ask cause am in a cyber cafe to register for something important ....be back soon.

FOREXMARTS:


Adim okay. I guess he is sleeping over it. Await second reading.

Hmmmm OK o. I tot he would have at least said something on Sunday evening but nothing till today. I dey wait sha.

okotv:
Nothing to be scared of. he is still considering options and would soon give in. dont ask cause am in a cyber cafe to register for something important ....be back soon.

netotse:


@herz
let me add my uninvited two cents sharply

You selfishly hid your Lakes from your dad prior to sunday, thus depriving your dad of the opportunity to form an opinion of him as a person. Now, your dad has to form an opinion based on the little time they were within close quarters...any perceived bias will have greater weight and remember to your dad someone is coming to try to take[sic] his precious daughter, whom he absolutely loves and adores, away. That means he's a natural adversary...you have stacked the odds against Lakes.

That said, why do you like lakes? why do you think he can love you with the same amount (and possibly more) of love and affection etc etc ati be be lo, that your father does? why do you trust him to care for and protect you with, at the very least, the same amount of diligence that your father would? What are the similarities between him and your dad(if any this is key to persuading your dad, you need to point them out to him, most good dads tend to they are the best husband for his daughter )?

What you would need to do at this point is to relay to your dad, (this should usually be done over a period of time and by the man himself though), that Lakes is able and willing to look after you to the extent that he(your dad) thinks is necessary. My reading of the situation is that to your dad, your wellbeing is of utmost important and if you guys are able to get him to see that, it would be easier for him to let go of his dislike for lagos people.

Like he said, he doesn't have anything against lakes but from his experience, people from his(lakes) neck of the woods, don't seem to have what it takes to look after his(your dad) daughter. Ideally, one way to convince a girls parents/guardians, is through your actions over time, but in this case you guys (you and lakes) went straight to marriage thus short circuiting the process. Your goal should be to show your dad that lakes intentions and aspirations for you align with his(your dad's).

going back to ROM.

Hmmm.....I'm speechless.

Yadoctora:
I am highly interested in talking about how to deal with the MIL.

Imagine this true story.
Its her wedding day and after all is done, cereminy's over and she is left with mother in law, she tells her, 'You are not the one I wanted for my son'.

Ladies is the house, how would you have handled this.

I missed this o
Did it happen to you?
That statement doesn't deserve a response but since it may sound rude to totally ignore her you may give a response
If it were me,I would just say hmm mama and smile,get up and go into the bedroom and tell the son when he gets home
You don't tell the woman anything beyond that
Are you going to start arguing on how you were his choice and why she should accept you,waste of saliva

babyosisi:


I missed this o
Did it happen to you?
That statement doesn't deserve a response but since it may sound rude to totally ignore her you may give a response
If it were me,I would just say hmm mama and smile,get up and go into the bedroom and tell the son when he gets home
You don't tell the woman anything beyond that
Are you going to start arguing on how you were his choice and why she should accept you,waste of saliva

No. I am yet to be married. I heard this story from the bride in question. Her situation with her MIL was a very bad one. She was quiet but her husband did not take it well.

Am glad her husby ddnt o. Let him make it clear dat his wife is not to be trampled on, else, d iyawo won't enjoy her marriage

Yadoctora:


No. I am yet to be married. I heard this story from the bride in question. Her situation with her MIL was a very bad one. She was quiet but her husband did not take it well.

Yadoctora:


No. I am yet to be married. I heard this story from the bride in question. Her situation with her MIL was a very bad one. She was quiet but her husband did not take it well.

That couple will do well
Some things especially MIL things like this particular one should be handled by the husband.The woman has no business exchanging words with the MIL on this.let him trash it out with his mother and I will advise that the wife stays completely out of sight while this is going on so she won't be tempted to respond to any name callings.if the house is split level and this discussion is going on downstairs,she should be upstairs but within an ear shot to hear what transpired and say nothing no matter what she hears.

And when hubby has scolded mama enough and returns upstairs,you say nothing,just allow him to pacify you and don't bad mouth mama.Keep that man on your side 100% on this issue.Once the mama gets that message,she has no other choice but to back off.

They may eventually accuse her of tying him with juju,that is sign that she is doing the right thing and playing her cards right.

harveyspec:


Wow thanks ma, I'm grateful

Just that I love her & I know she loves me, the thought of breaking her heart is bugging me & the whole idea of starting afresh.

It's a mixed feeling, once her drama starts, I want to pull out later on, I start reconsidering

The circle continues!!!

She needs to learn how to give back

A similar thing happened to me... On the day of my tm, my husband took me to his family house as the custom demands. When I went to greet my mother in law, she told my husband "I guess its God that joined this marriage because I prayed against this married alot".


I expected my dh to react but he didn't. I wouldn't let this woman spoil my day so I ignored. I never discussed it... I don't think I will ever forgive her. Seriously! Till today we ain't friends.

Yadoctora:
I am highly interested in talking about how to deal with the MIL.

Imagine this true story.
Its her wedding day and after all is done, ceremony's over and she is left with mother in law, she tells her, 'You are not the one I wanted for my son'.

Ladies in the house, how would you have handled this.

babyosisi:


What makes you think this wouldn't have worked out especially with the advantage of not spending time trying to build a chemistry between you two.
Are you of the opinion that there is only one man out there you could marry?

Believe me he was the only one I ever wanted to marry. Ours was a fairy-tale romance from day one.

But I later found out somethings about him, things I never knew while we were dating . . and things I would have eventually found out if I married and and it would have been to late to do anything about.

Would I have wanted to marry someone I fell in love with at first sight, DEFINITELY YES . . .

Do I regret marrying hubby? NO - NEVER!

Infact in retrospect, I am enjoying this waaay better.

It wasn't like I 'worked' hard to develop the passion, it just came naturally over time. And this feels more real than what I had with my ex . . . much more real.

Believe me he was the only one I ever wanted to marry. Ours was a fairy-tale romance from day one.

But I later found out somethings about him, things I never knew while we were dating . . and things I would have eventually found out if I married and and it would have been to late to do anything about.

Would I have wanted to marry someone I fell in love with at first sight, DEFINITELY YES . . .

Do I regret marrying hubby? NO - NEVER!

Infact in retrospect, I am enjoying this waaay better.

It wasn't like I 'worked' hard to develop the passion, it just came naturally over time. And this feels more real than what I had with my ex . . . much more real.

I am sad you deactivated
You shouldn't have
Your story gives another perspective to this love and marriage thing and you shared from the heart
Thanks for sharing it and keeping this thread real.I like the no pretense style all the contributors here have adopted, the readers can feel it

You know what,like you i later found out also why my ex,the now rich Abuja politician wasn't meant for me
He now has a second wife.

Bless you and may God bless your union and fill your hearts with joy and laughter,binding you with cord that cannot be broken
Amen

LaRoyalHighness:
A similar thing happened to me... On the day of my tm, my husband took me to his family house as the custom demands. When I went to greet my mother in law, she told my husband "I guess its God that joined this marriage because I prayed against this married alot".


I expected my dh to react but he didn't. I wouldn't let this woman spoil my day so I ignored. I never discussed it... I don't think I will ever forgive her. Seriously! Till today we ain't friends.

How long have you been married?
You need to find it in your heart to forgive her and get past that
I don't just want to tell stories of my experiences for telling sake,I would like to tell them in relation to a situation shared by someone
If you can share specific stuff between you and your MIL,I may be able to give you tips on how to make it better
Believe me,I may have seen worse than you but I am glad to say today that my mil and I have a great relationship and it may be one singular thing I did to endear my husband to me more than ever

I am baring myself because I truly want to help the younger women in their marriages
When I met my hubby one of the first things he said to me in our discussions at some point was that his mother was a very tough woman and I appreciated his sincerity.
Now,when a man shares that truth with his wife to be,it is serious.and I did find out what he meant
So if you want to know how to handle a tough MIL,talk to me

Been married for 5 years. In all honesty, I doubt I would/can forgive my mil. I know this hurts my husband but seriously his inactions when it comes to his mother 's flaws has made me indifferent. I don't think I want to be her friend honestly.

*I must be a terrible person. Ok I will share how I got here in my next post.[quote author=babyosisi