Yadoctora:
I am highly interested in talking about how to deal with the MIL.

Imagine this true story.
Its her wedding day and after all is done, ceremony's over and she is left with mother in law, she tells her, 'You are not the one I wanted for my son'.

Ladies in the house, how would you have handled this.

Nothing to handle there.

Just say "Okay", and be sure to thank her for letting you in on her opinion / view of you.

Someone's got to be the mature one here, and the mature thing to do, is to not give her the satisfaction of knowing she's ruffled your feathers. You've married the man of your choice. Now channel your time and effort in something more productive. Something like striving towards having a peaceful home and a happy marriage.

babyosisi:


That couple will do well
Some things especially MIL things like this particular one should be handled by the husband.The woman has no business exchanging words with the MIL on this.let him trash it out with his mother and I will advise that the wife stays completely out of sight while this is going on so she won't be tempted to respond to any name callings.if the house is split level and this discussion is going on downstairs,she should be upstairs but within an ear shot to hear what transpired and say nothing no matter what she hears.

And when hubby has scolded mama enough and returns upstairs,you say nothing,just allow him to pacify you and don't bad mouth mama.Keep that man on your side 100% on this issue.Once the mama gets that message,she has no other choice but to back off.

They may eventually accuse her of tying him with juju,that is sign that she is doing the right thing and playing her cards right.

Absolutely brilliant response here, Osisi.

It's all about displaying maturity and knowing when to pick your battles. This is an example of one that is sooooooooooooooo not worth the effort. Or time.

harveyspec:



Ok, I have a family friend, the mum stays with them, the guy wakes up in the morning to sweep the house, bath the kids, I nor know wetin madam dey do.

It was a very big issue, the mom had to calm down but trust me, she ain't happy with the wife

Abroad that might not count but here in Nigeria, it does count, you are suppose to be receiving prayers from your elders & not curses or insult

imagine this guy will be removing cobwebs from the house, washing curtains etc not that madam is sick o or has a hectic schedule o

if its about education, the guy is a lecturer but I nor know whether him case still normal

No elder will feel comfortable with such reversal of role(cos that's how they see it), just jejely pretend till they go, but if its an elongated stay, so help you God

This is just sooo annoying to read.

So what?

This is why we have so many marriages in trouble - interferance from outsiders and supposedly "wise" elders. No two marriages are ever identical. If this mode of operation works for the couple, and both of them are happy with it, and the man isn't complaining, then what's the issue?

How do these people know that the man isn't simply complimenting his wife and plugging in the holes / weakness(es) of their relationship? I touched on household chores in one of my earlier posts on this thread. For all we know, this man's wife might have told him right from the very beginning that she's not into household chores. She probably laid all her cards down at the table right from the very start and despite that, the man in question decided that she was still the right one for him. He probably isn't even trying to change her, but teach / lead by example.

Some people really need to learn the art of minding their own businesses, especially when it comes to meddling with other's marriages.

EfemenaXY:


This is just sooo annoying to read.

So what?

This is why we have so many marriages in trouble - interferance from outsiders and supposedly "wise" elders. No two marriages are ever identical. If this mode of operation works for the couple, and both of them are happy with it, and the man isn't complaining, then what's the issue?

How do these people know that the man isn't simply complimenting his wife and plugging in the holes / weakness(es) of their relationship? I touched on household chores in one of my earlier posts on this thread. For all we know, this man's wife might have told him right from the very beginning that she's not into household chores. She probably laid all her cards down at the table right from the very start and despite that, the man in question decided that she was still the right one for him. He probably isn't even trying to change her, but teach / lead by example.

Some people really need to learn the art of minding their own businesses, especially when it comes to meddling with other's marriages.

while I respect your opinion & understand your displeasure, I still have to reiterate what I have earlier stated & that is know the disposition of your spouse!!

You are obviously of the modern world where there is probably no difference in who does the house chores, regardless of the sex.

you have to factor in both sides of the coin, one side being of the traditional view that the woman does all the house chores while the man provides & that of the modern view

if as a Nigeria you live abroad or you live here but have been greatly influenced by their way of life, that might be a little bit different cos everyone would have adjusted that you are "lost to their way" but if you live here, I think it becomes a different ball game

our parents, those above 60yrs belong to the traditional dispensation so they will have a hard time accepting that & to ascertain if a woman is "wife material" one of the key factor is if she is highly domesticated

A guy might be willing to marry a lady who does not know how to cook or wash etc because there is the option of house maid but which parent will accept that

A couple might say I don't want kids or chose the option of surrogacy, which of our parents will accept this

Yes, times have changed but as I earlier stated I'm a hybrid, while I value the modern day way of life, i equally uphold the traditional way of life but with modifications, I'll cite examples later

my mum had 4 siblings, they where all close till their old age(mega close, from their youth till their 70's) I intend to copy same but that will not be achievable with all these everyone "mind your own business" or "it's my life" etc

we respect our inlaws but I waste no time in putting them in their place when they go out of line, when my nephews & nieces misbehave, I give it to them whether or not, their parents approve of that method(I don't mean abuse o) reason being I see them as my own & there is nothing their parents can do about it cos of our close relationship.

bottom line, the modern way of life of everyone minding his/her own business does not suit me & any lady coming into my life, will know this

PS: those days as a kid, if you cross the road wrongly, a knock or scolding will be waiting for you at the other side by any passerby or a young lady who isn't properly seated, will be shouted at to close her legs or spanked on the legs to close it

Today, nor be my pickin, e nor consign me, I don't subscribe to all of that

Herzumpther:
And finally he decided to talk after a long silence since Sunday. He is still saying No.

Cc: babyosisi
Bukatyne
Cococandy
Moca
Formarts...........

Hi Herz,

What exactly were his reasons apart from the Yoruba ish?

bukatyne:



Hi Herz,

What exactly were his reasons apart from the Yoruba ish?

He said he is just not comfortable with Yoruba people. He also said people especially from Lagos marry many wives and he doesn't want me to suffer at all.

I had a chat with him at midnight again today (3am today) and after talking he started asking me questions, he told me to be very honest with my answers and I did. After the whole questions and answers he said OK and left me. He was very particular about how well I've done my homework.

buggaboo:


Agreed, we all run our homes how we deem fit.
However most people have an irrational/emotional need to judge others. Although we shouldn't live our lives for others, wisdom is still required in order not to present our marriages in a manner for people to constantly judge us.

Constant judgement puts unnecessary pressure on marriages.
Celebrity and reality tv marriages suffer from this the most.
Even people with far worse marriages still judge.

It's possible that you will even end up judging your DIL because of the same rights you are fighting for today.

No I would not

Thanks

Herzumpther:
He said he is just not comfortable with Yoruba people. He also said people especially from Lagos marry many wives and he doesn't want me to suffer at all.

I had a chat with him at midnight again today (3am today) and after talking he started asking me questions, he told me to be very honest with my answers and I did. After the whole questions and answers he said OK and left me. He was very particular about how well I've done my homework.

Thank God he is getting to accept gradually..

The talk of Lagosians marrying multiple wives holds no water except he is referring to muslims which is on religious grounds

If he is talking of cheating, it depends on personal principles and not tribe.

It is well

bukatyne:


Thank God he is getting to accept gradually..

The talk of Lagosians marrying multiple wives holds no water except he is referring to muslims which is on religious grounds

If he is talking of cheating, it depends on personal principles and not tribe.

It is well

Amen.
Thank you lots.

I pray Lekan is worth all this @ herzumpther
You need to be 100% sure of this man!your father is speaking from experiences around him which of course has exceptions
I will hate for your father's greatest fear to come true
Please I am speaking out of love

Herzumpther:
And finally he decided to talk after a long silence since Sunday. He is still saying No.

Cc: babyosisi
Bukatyne
Cococandy
Moca
Formarts...........

Hmmmmmmmmmmm. The Koko am waiting for is for him to say "my daughter here is why I am not supporting ur intention to marry him......." And not a cold "NO". Has he given any reasons yet?

.....double post sorry.

Herzumpther:
He said he is just not comfortable with Yoruba people. He also said people especially from Lagos marry many wives and he doesn't want me to suffer at all.

I had a chat with him at midnight again today (3am today) and after talking he started asking me questions, he told me to be very honest with my answers and I did. After the whole questions and answers he said OK and left me. He was very particular about how well I've done my homework.

Okay just seeing this now. I follow aunty's opinion about u doing your homework too.

He said okay and walked away. I get the feeling he wants to go do his own homework too. Keep thy fingers crossed my sister, everything will fall in place as God pleases.

#plugs in earpiece to blast a little Meshugga album#

thorpido:
You have to start working on that mentally now.Kids always want to have their way even when it will hurt them.
The bible says foolishness is in the heart of a child...........

I love kids a lot but sometimes you need to be firm.You just have to set limits for them and take your mind off the emotions you may have towards those instructions or orders.
I hope your spouse is a firm person.
There is really nothing much you can do about the other spouse who is passive.Often times it's a nature they grow up with.It's important one of them is firm.

A pastor told a story of how he visited a family and while he was sitting in the parlour,their little boy will come and pinch him,laugh and run away.The parents saw him and all they did was say, aww jnr,stop it.The boy came the third tim and this time,the parents had gone into the room.........
He gave the boy a knock and the boy wailed.When the parents came out and said what happened,he acted like he didn't know.

Parents should not be too soft on their kids.

Rolfm

softysparky:

Now this is funny
I have witnessed something like this sha, I visited a family and was offered a bottle of soft drink, the next minute their little kids came in with big cups and I had to share the drink for them. The parents laughed and only said, this children will not kill me.

lol

FOREXMARTS:




Hmmmmmmmmmmm. The Koko am waiting for is for him to say "my daughter here is why I am not supporting ur intention to marry him......." And not a cold "NO". Has he given any reasons yet?

The once I started in my post above.

Ma'am babyosisi hmmm, I will do more homework.

[quote author=Bolded post=31006084]

Why don't they believe in me? [/quote. Lol

babyosisi:


Be more specific dear, an example will help
Things that will cause you or the family harm are a no brainer

Ok. I hope this will suffice.
My cousin once told me a story of how the husband asked her to return the washing machine she bought. The reason was that she told her husband that they needed a washing machine and she is ready to buy one. The hubby told her that he had it in mind too but that she should give her sometime that he has some projects at hand. She told her husband that she has some money with her which will be enough to buy it,the man said no that she should keep the money. Few weeks later,she reminded the husband about it,he told her calmly and nicely that she should not bother that he will get it.
After some weeks,my cousin couldnt wait again. She went ahead and bought the washing machine. Then,the wahala. The hubby asked her to return it to where she bought it from. Lol
It took the intervention of her brother in-law for the washing machine to sleep in that house.

So,I want to know the level of obedience needed in a marriage. Are wives suppose to obey their husbands in all things?

prissyluv:

Ok. I hope this will suffice.
My cousin once told me a story of how the husband asked her to return the washing machine she bought. The reason was that she told her husband that they needed a washing machine and she is ready to buy one. The hubby told her that he had it in mind too but that she should give her sometime that he has some projects at hand. She told her husband that she has some money with her which will be enough to buy it,the man said no that she should keep the money. Few weeks later,she reminded the husband about it,he told her calmly and nicely that she should not bother that he will get it.
After some weeks,my cousin couldnt wait again. She went ahead and bought the washing machine. Then,the wahala. The hubby asked her to return it to where she bought it from. Lol
It took the intervention of her brother in-law for the washing machine to sleep in that house.

So,I want to know the level of obedience needed in a marriage. Are wives suppose to obey their husbands in all things?

I don't mean to be rude, but where did she get such a bush man from?

No need for long story. She should have returned it for the sake of peace, but, he should have taken up the household washing himself - by hand.

Sadist.

EfemenaXY:


I don't mean to be rude, but where did she get such a bush man from?

No need for long story. She should have returned it for the sake of peace, but, he should have taken up the household washing himself - by hand.

Sadist.

why call him a bush man?

what if his mentality is that of the typical African man that believes he should provide for the family?

such folks usually have this mentality of I'm the man & sole provider, the wife going to buy the machine will have the following effect

1.Her action will be viewed as an act of insubordination
2. A slap on the man's ego(more or less, he couldn't provide, so she had to step in)
3. The man will get the vibes that the wife is dragging shoulders with the him(I have money & I can get whatever I want)

Even though this analogy might be different, how will you feel if you told your teenage son/daughter, living under your roof that you weren't going to get them a particular thing they requested, they then go ahead to buy it just because they have some savings, infact you not only denied their request but you forbade that item in your house, how will you feel?


What if the woman in question is the type that hounds or taunts the man whenever she does something the husband was supposed to do & the husband was not ready for another trauma?

God made man to be the head, lord & master, westernization has altered it, if you got married to a typical African, don't come whining when he acts accordingly

If you want the equal right right treatment, go for a man that has such beliefs, most time during courtship such things are not hidden

Hahaha........so much drama in the marriage institution, wisdom is the principal thing that works all the time (marriage inclusive).

babyosisi:
I pray Lekan is worth all this @ herzumpther
You need to be 100% sure of this man!your father is speaking from experiences around him which of course has exceptions
I will hate for your father's greatest fear to come true
Please I am speaking out of love

Same way I feel.
Herzumpther,do your home work well.
I'm yoruba and married from Cross River.The same initial reservations your father has was what my in-laws had.They said a yoruba guy will marry another wife and neglect their daughter.I understood their fears.It's partially true in the west.
However,you can't generalise.Moreover,the generation has changed.I personally would not disappoint God,my wife and my kids(and some people who look up to me).
I would personally be hurt if your dad finally agrees and somewhere along the line, Lekan disappoints.I sort of like inter-tribal marriages.
Do your homework really well.

EfemenaXY:


I don't mean to be rude, but where did she get such a bush man from?

No need for long story. She should have returned it for the sake of peace, but, he should have taken up the household washing himself - by hand.

Sadist.

hahahaha. He was just mad that after telling her to relax that he will get it,she did otherwise.

babyosisi:



Hmm
Thanks for the compliments
Many men are that way,holding onto grudges longer and
Do you know there are some that won't even look at you and your fake or real illness ?
A man that will stop to take care of you in sickness has a good heart,I don't think you should be faking illnesses though
Reach within and see if there's anything you can do differently to decrease those squabbles and your reactions to them

I don't believe in begging anyone when they are in the wrong
Sometimes refusing to be offended may be the solution
You learn how not to allow some little things dictate the mood in the house
Pick your battles.Some arguments can be squashed by just one person refusing to be dragged in
Change your style in some things and I assure you the arguments will be less

For instance he says stages,this your soup has a lot of salt again and you feel it ain't so
Rather than get offended and interpret that to mean that you are a bad cook with salty foods,you say really?
I could have sworn I put very little salt in this, sorry o
Men unlike women don't have many vocabularies,they are often short and straight to the point in their way of discussion so can come off as insensitive.

Thanks so much sis. U hav this way of giving advice and I like too much. I hav been trying to do what u advice above and to tell you the truth it helps but once in a while we disagree and he shouts at me. This always get me angry and thus we stay for days no talking. My hubby actually travelled out of the country to be back in 2 weeks. the first time we would stay apart for dis long since we met. I really want to make some changes when he comes back especially our romance. Am starting by changing our bedroom decor. I need ideas oh please.

stages:


Thanks so much sis. U hav this way of giving advice and I like too much. I hav been trying to do what u advice above and to tell you the truth it helps but once in a while we disagree and he shouts at me. This always get me angry and thus we stay for days no talking. My hubby actually travelled out of the country to be back in 2 weeks. the first time we would stay apart for dis long since we met. I really want to make some changes when he comes back especially our romance. Am starting by changing our bedroom decor. I need ideas oh please.

Some men don't like surprises, what if he doesn't like the new decor lol na there another palaver go start, the bedroom belongs to both of you abi so carry him along. One last thing most men like to locate things exactly where they kept them so when changing things in the room make sure his things are where he kept em, you don't want him loosing an appointment simply because he can't find a document since u arranged the room. Just giving u a heads up cos i know u mean well with ur intentions. Keep us posted.

I wish u all a pleasant new month. Aunty Osisi u suppose don enter march by now even tho u five hours behind lol, I salute you.

FOREXMARTS:


Some men don't like surprises, what if he doesn't like the new decor lol na there another palaver go start, the bedroom belongs to both of you abi so carry him along. One last thing most men like to locate things exactly where they kept them so when changing things in the room make sure his things are where he kept em, you don't want him loosing an appointment simply because he can't find a document since u arranged the room. Just giving u a heads up cos i know u mean well with ur intentions. Keep us posted.

I wish u all a pleasant new month. Aunty Osisi u suppose don enter march by now even tho u five hours behind lol, I salute you.

Thanks I got ur point.
By bedroom decor I meant changing the curtains and sheets. No bi to bulldoz the whole room oh.

thorpido:
Same way I feel.
Herzumpther,do your home work well.
I'm yoruba and married from Cross River.The same initial reservations your father has was what my in-laws had.They said a yoruba guy will marry another wife and neglect their daughter.I understood their fears.It's partially true in the west.
However,you can't generalise.Moreover,the generation has changed.I personally would not disappoint God,my wife and my kids(and some people who look up to me).
I would personally be hurt if your dad finally agrees and somewhere along the line, Lekan disappoints.I sort of like inter-tribal marriages.
Do your homework really well.

Hmmmm....okey, I'm going to do more homework.

prissyluv:

Ok. I hope this will suffice.
My cousin once told me a story of how the husband asked her to return the washing machine she bought. The reason was that she told her husband that they needed a washing machine and she is ready to buy one. The hubby told her that he had it in mind too but that she should give her sometime that he has some projects at hand. She told her husband that she has some money with her which will be enough to buy it,the man said no that she should keep the money. Few weeks later,she reminded the husband about it,he told her calmly and nicely that she should not bother that he will get it.
After some weeks,my cousin couldnt wait again. She went ahead and bought the washing machine. Then,the wahala. The hubby asked her to return it to where she bought it from. Lol
It took the intervention of her brother in-law for the washing machine to sleep in that house.

So,I want to know the level of obedience needed in a marriage. Are wives suppose to obey their husbands in all things?

If the washing is weighing me down and he is unable to help ,I will also buy a washing machine to help me out
This is totally justified
I would only return it on the condition that he does his laundry,the kids and the household linens till his appointed time
That ought to be fair

stages:


Thanks so much sis. U hav this way of giving advice and I like too much. I hav been trying to do what u advice above and to tell you the truth it helps but once in a while we disagree and he shouts at me. This always get me angry and thus we stay for days no talking. My hubby actually travelled out of the country to be back in 2 weeks. the first time we would stay apart for dis long since we met. I really want to make some changes when he comes back especially our romance. Am starting by changing our bedroom decor. I need ideas oh please.

I am glad you are making changes
It will all come together beautiful
Don't sell your soul but work towards a happier home and it will yield fruits
Get some good lacy night wears too

EfemenaXY:


I don't mean to be rude, but where did she get such a bush man from?

No need for long story. She should have returned it for the sake of peace, but, he should have taken up the household washing himself - by hand.

Sadist.

Nne eh
That is why I keep hammering the same thing
Date these men and weed out the psychos amongst them before this stage
Imagine
He won't buy a washing machine and won't allow her to buy one
What nonsense
A man finding issues where there is none

All these unnecessary do this and don't do that.
Haba!
Only six feet o!
Why can't we simplify our lives and enjoy it?
What is wrong in buying washing machine bikonu?
It's not only washing machine, so I can't buy a car I like with my hard earned cash?
I can't buy land or build house too?
Nawaa o.
Me that buy things without consultation
It's even hubby that hv to consult me cos he may not buy what I want.

There r things that r not called for.
Washing machine is a necessity like oga's car.
O yes it is!

Abeg if u hv money,also buy the blender that pounds pounded yam.
O gini bu ife nke a?

So why is the lady working iff she can't use her money as she want?

People mmake this marriage look very complicated. U can't be like ur dad or mum.
Marriage is all about bending.
Learn to bend,bend and bend and continue bending.
My hubby is a very private person but he has learnt to bend.
I'm a kind of know and do it all type but I hv learnt to pause and go over things with him.

Left to me, u will come back one day and I will tell u I bought a house in maitama.
So we all hv to bend.
That is d joy of marriage.

babyosisi:


Nne eh
That is why I keep hammering the same thing
Date these men and weed out the psychos amongst them before this stage
Imagine
He won't buy a washing machine and won't allow her to buy one
What nonsense
A man finding issues where there is none

That is.
I dey buy without control
Heaven help me o.
Some complain their wives don't use their money to help in d house,now one has helped and my man won't swallow his pride and say thank u?

I hate proud people. It doesn't take anybody anywhere.