nannymcphee:



But ma, I think we have to recognize the fact that life is dynamic & comes in different shades

The most important thing should be finding out what works for you. I believe in the bid to fit into the norm, trouble will come

I know of two family friends, their husbands does the shopping, I don't mean grocery shopping o, your typical market, bargaining for meat & Maggie & the likes, is this normal? (If its about education, one of them is a charactered account with a reputable firm, though he is late)

I don't mean occasional shopping, it is what they do, their wives don't go to the market

here on NL, alot of folks clamor for separation on the event of cheating & physical abuse. There are women that endured such for 5, 10yrs & later things changed while for some it didn't end well

using myself as an example, there was lots of wrestle mania in my home while growing up but at a point it all stopped, until my dad's demise they clocked 35yrs of being married, the first 10yrs being full of fights. meaning the next 25yrs was that of bliss, if my mum had packed out within the first 10yrs nko, maybe I won't be here today

It is everyone's prayer that the evening stage of our lives should be better than the morning stage, is the above example not an answer to such prayer.

I'm not an advocate for assault/cheating, but stuff happens, folks are talking about men cheating & cleaning their tracks, we have had cases of men who brought another lady to their matrimonial beds while madam was at home!! Some endured & it later worked out for them, for others it didn't.

The key is to find out what works for you & not trying to copy the norm or the jones, in life there are so many things that are not supposed to be but they end up being so!!

Just like I told the other person,in the spirit of this thread ,I would hate for us to digress into dangerous areas and pass them off as OK because they worked for someone
So I will address your post
I have shared here that I made love to my dear hubby on the first date after I had been celibate for more than a year, that is not right but it was my story and I don't tell anyone to do that.Rewind the clock,I shouldn't have.
It perhaps dispels the myth that sleeping with a man on first date makes him not marry you,beyond that it is not a good example

So in the same vein,let no girl out there accept violence as OK or wait ten years for it to stop just because your mom did.
Or endure for a cheating husband to sleep around and come home
That's why we say get an education and a job and be independent
Love yourself and set limits you will not allow anyone cross
Like cococandy said,you may not be able to tell that story
So let's not use aberrations and outright wrongs as good examples of anything even if the victims and perpetrators are our own parents.

I absolutely agree with you. There is the rule and then there is the exception to the rule. This thread was set up to honor the rules and to guide young couples into a HEALTHY relationships.

babyosisi:


Just like I told the other person,in the spirit of this thread ,I would hate for us to digress into dangerous areas and pass them off as OK because they worked for someone
I have shared here that I made love to my dear hubby on the first date after I had been celibate for more than a year, that is not right but it was my story and I don't tell anyone to do that.Rewind the clock,I shouldn't have.
It perhaps dispels the myth that sleeping with a man on first dare makes him not marry you.
So in the same vein,let no girl out there accept violence as OK or wait ten years for it to stop
Or endure for a cheating husband to sleep around and come home
That's why we say get an education and a job and be independent
Love yourself
Like cococandy said,you may not be able to tell that story

Dimples192:
I absolutely agree with you. There is the rule and then there is the exception to the rule. This thread was set up to honor the rules and to guide young couples into a HEALTHY relationships.

Thanks
And I want to make certain the young girls don't get mixed messages
That's why I won't let these odd examples slide

nannymcphee:


CC: cococandy
madam I respect ur difference in opinion

So what will you do if your husband is having an affair? Pack out of the house?

in the case of assault, should he slap you, will you pack out?

the wrestle mania in my home was a fair fight, my dad wasn't out to cause bodily harm, neither did it result to my mum bring hospitalized

Infact when the first slap is given, my mum retaliates & the fight begins, so its not as though bottle or knife or wood was employed. Neither did my dad use the whole of his might as a man to fight, I do know with this scenario a lot of things can still go wrong


If a man becomes abusive to the extent of bodily harm being done, then I can subscribe to separation or divorce!!

If a man hits a lady & she is pleading or crying & he doesn't stop, then the beast in him is at work, a sane man shouldn't use a combination of blows or slaps or anything on a woman!!

The next question is what triggers such reaction from him?

Everyone keep hammering on the man for using his God given natural strengt/might on a woman(not an excuse o) but everyone seems to turn a blind eye when the woman uses her God given natural ballistic tongue/mouth on a man (which sometimes is the cause of the beast rising up in the man)

As for cheating, my advice is look well before u leap & if after leaping, then pray to God for wisdom in handling the matter

Not that this is an excuse, some men were pushed into extramarital affairs cos of their wives(either they had to peace at home, so they found solace in the arms of another woman or they were being nagged to death or unskillful in bedmatics or the men were being emasculated etc the list goes on)

so sometimes plugging these holes might help & then a bachelor who partied & clubbed a lot or imbibed the act of one night standsl might find that habit difficult to break in marriage, so if u got into such union thinking you will change him, well sorry for you


PS:I sent you a PM, I don't know if you got it, how can I reach you, I need to discuss something with you

Sorry, but what sort of distorted reasoning is this? You provide plenty of excuses for a man's bad behaviour, and apportion much of the blame to the women in your illustrations. A woman who behaves maliciously should never be excused, but the way you even describe your own mothers retaliation as the cause of the fight; no no honey, that's so unfair.

babygirlfl:

This post is an example of what we mean when we say that staying in an abusive and bad marriage sends a wrong message to the kids. The kids grow up to think it is normal or ok to cheat or be violent towards your partner.

Spot on!

Onegai:


My dear, I am married. He made me breakfast in bed, I even have pictures. We're a mature couple.

A controlling man will slap his wife for buying that machine.

A regular guy will keep quiet and realise his wife likes to undermine his authority.

Let me know when your boss applauds you for doing something he had already told you he would take care of. Even my last female boss reamed my arse for doing that last year (and I was totally right).

I spent my 20s thinking feminism was fighting every man and be able to step on his toes confidently. On 3 different continents. In my 30s, I realised true power and equality came from being the Tinubu, not the Buhari.

This case was washing machine, me I did worse when it was my turn. He (a Ph. D from an ivy league who is very modern) loved my independence when he met me (i was a chick with an investor on standby to protect my financial assets 2 months before the Nig govt started announcing how oil prices were affecting the economy. I redefined the word Independent) but couldn't live with it when I constantly made him feel I didn't need him for Jack and could call all the shots (my territory was his whole life, not just the kitchen. And they were all great ideas!). We couldn't live with each other and called off our wedding when I was expecting (I honestly wish I could tell my story). Anyone who tried to control me would have died in the process.

I simply started letting him be my knight in shining armour. He's the one who always wants to wear his wedding ring now.

Men want to see your eyes light up happily when they provide for you. It grows their ego and they spend the rest of their lives trying to constantly please you. And they really hate you undermining their authority.

if that wife, in the few weeks she had after asking him again, had baffed up, fixed her nails, looked good and smelled nice, been wonderful in bed and On the appointed day, let that man come home to see her with her nails chipped, sweaty and tired my saying "I washed all the clothes I'm so exhausted".

She would have gotten a washer and dryer. A correct one, more expensive than what she budgeted.

You need to meet one of my older sisters. She's the worst bully in the world and yet has her hubby wrapped round her little finger. And he is happy being there.

Good for you,let me digress now from you and face the issues
My main point was on the pot issue and the other question about washing machines
In both cases the two men are controlling and acted wrong,that much is glaring
They are both controlling men bordering on abusive
And no woman should be subjected to act like a juvenile in order to buy what she needs with her own money in her own house
Men with these tendencies ought to be re-directed with wisdom from day one

babygirlfl:


This post is an example of what we mean when we say that staying in an abusive and bad marriage sends a wrong message to the kids. The kids grow up to think it is normal or ok to cheat or be violent towards your partner.

You have summarized it for us all
Thanks
I actually wrote the same thing and deleted it earlier lol

babyosisi:


Thanks
And I want to make certain the young girls don't get mixed messages
That's why I won't let these odd examples slide

Lol, ok ma, I dey your back

babygirlfl:


The bolded is not what feminism is neither was your behaviour the same thing as being independent. What you described was a woman behaving badly.

Why do you think women have to act, cry pretend and massage a man's ego for her to get something from the man. This is a wrong belief that has gone from generation to generation but it does not make it right. Husband and wife should be partners who work together for the best of their home.

Thank you
A whole bunch of mixed messages is being passed off here and it is becoming painful to read
I believe in massaging a man's ego but there is a fine line between that and constantly pacifying an impossible man and condoning abuse
If a man is constantly waiting for his ego to be massaged ,there is a big problem

babygirlfl:

The bolded is not what feminism is neither was your behaviour the same thing as being independent. What you described was a woman behaving badly.
Why do you think women have to act, cry pretend and massage a man's ego for her to get something from the man. This is a wrong belief that has gone from generation to generation but it does not make it right. Husband and wife should be partners who work together for the best of their home.

I can't put my head around this wear red bra, dance naked before your man gets something that's needed in the home.
Worst off, you have the money yet you have to go through this rigorous exercise to get things done.

Na wah.

I dey read somethings .

babyosisi:


Thank you
A whole bunch of mixed messages is being passed off here and it is becoming painful to read
I believe in massaging a man's ego but there is a fine line between that and constantly pacifying an impossible man
If a man is constantly waiting for his ego to be massaged ,there is a big problem

Abeg Wetin be this ego wey una dey massage

Nannymcphee talked about a man who does all the shopping in the home and doesn't let his wife go to the market and it is supposedly a style that works for them
I am happy she mentioned that
Please find time to sit and talk with that woman after gaining her trust,you will be shocked that she would want to trade places with you in a heartbeat.
The symptoms of abuse are plenty
Sometimes they may appear to be out of love but look deeper,it isn't,I have known people in that sorry situation.

Some men like to control the spending of every penny in the house and to them the woman is not smart enough to handle money and bargain,she may go overboard.he even controls her own paycheck.
So what does he do?
He strips her of total control of the funds and decides what the money is spent on and when
That is not a good position to be in

Some of them are fearful their wives may meet another man when they venture out
So he will rather go to work and also do all the shopping to limit her engagement with the outside world lest she strays

Abuse comes in several shades
He may never lay a finger on her
But that is his way of making her totally dependent on him and keeping her in check

Chillisauce:


Abeg Wetin be this ego wey una dey massage

Nna mehn,the ego here is not ego igwe o ( dollars and pounds)
Na blokoss me I wan massage now
Can't wait for this stud to come home mehn

babyosisi:


Nna mehn,the ego here is not ego igwe o ( dollars and pounds)
Na blokoss me I wan massage now
Can't wait for this stud to come home mehn

Hahaha.
Wahala dey for blokus matter o.
Na so we go dey massage dey go

Chillisauce:


Hahaha.
Wahala dey for blokus matter o.
Na so we go dey massage dey go

Right now I want to go buy some new boots for the cold weather because I am traveling to a cooler area in a few
So if I mentioned it and my husband said said no don't buy it yet,I am expected to do what exactly
Cry and buy red panties and do my nails and chip them or get frost bitten sef and cry about it so that he allows me use my own hard earned money to buy shoes for my own feet?
Thank God I didn't marry a man that petty

So much to read.

Make I just bookmark.

I spent long hours talking into the night with my mom just before marriage
Mom gave me many words of wisdom from her own marriage and I wish to share
Listen to this story

She said ada,when I married your dad,I did my laundry and his and as you children came along,I washed all your clothes too
At a time it became unbearable for me ,I only allowed the maids do other housework,I wanted to make sure the clothes were washed well.
One day,I washed your dad's clothes and unbeknown to me there was an item that had running colors and it stained some of your dad's clothes while it soaked.your dad was very very upset about that and couldn't be pacified,he screamed and hollered,regardless of the fact that this wasn't intentional and there were other stained clothes besides his.
From that day forwards due to that reaction,I dropped his clothes and he started washing them himself.He kicked against it a while but ended up getting used to it.
I grew up seeing my dad wash his clothes on Saturdays and that was the day I heard the genesis of it.
My parents are still married till this day and happily I would say.
So my daughter, mom continued,anything that you know may cause fracas down the line ,don't start it from the very beginning.
Yes mommy,I responded.

That was a wise advice which I want to tell any young woman
What she did was set a standard to prevent future re-occurrence of an issue and that problem ceased
I applied that advise in my own marriage too
Don't take on roles that will become burdensome later on and when you stop performing them,katakata will burst
If you don't enjoy to iron clothes,leave him to iron his own clothes as he did before he married you and even give him yours to iron from day one and if he doesn't complain That becomes the norm in the home and one less thing to do
Don't be doing super woman and gather his clothes to iron and lay them out every morning and polish his shoes and complain 6 years down the line that he doesn't help out around the house when you enabled him.
But if you can do it all,by all means ignore me

babyosisi:


Just like I told the other person,in the spirit of this thread ,I would hate for us to digress into dangerous areas and pass them off as OK because they worked for someone
So I will address your post
I have shared here that I made love to my dear hubby on the first date after I had been celibate for more than a year, that is not right but it was my story and I don't tell anyone to do that.Rewind the clock,I shouldn't have.
It perhaps dispels the myth that sleeping with a man on first date makes him not marry you,beyond that it is not a good example

So in the same vein,let no girl out there accept violence as OK or wait ten years for it to stop just because your mom did.
Or endure for a cheating husband to sleep around and come home
That's why we say get an education and a job and be independent
Love yourself and set limits you will not allow anyone cross
Like cococandy said,you may not be able to tell that story
So let's not use aberrations and outright wrongs as good examples of anything even if the victims and perpetrators are our own parents.

.

True, my bosom friend is married now for close to 20years, what you described in the bold was exactly what happened to him, the first date he had with his girl-friend now his wife, they had intimacy and it didn't stop them from getting married, they have been happily married through thick and thin now for about 20years with kids...... .

@babymama, l like your counseling skills, you are indeed a woman with many parts.....keep it up...

shinejackie:
.

True, my bosom friend is married now for close to 20years, what you described in the bold was exactly what happened to him, the first date he had with his girl-friend now his wife, they had intimacy and it didn't stop them from getting married, they have been happily married through thick and thin now for about 20years with kids......

Hahaha
Whenever I say to him that I wish it didn't happen
He says he thanks God for that heavy rain that prevented me from leaving lol

shinejackie:
.


@babymama, l like your counseling skills, you are indeed a woman with many parts.....keep it up...

Thanks
It looks like this is my true calling
I was in a seminar about starting a small business and the man asked,what are you passionate about and this is the only thing I could think of
I would wish that young unmarried girls don't make my mistakes or the mistakes of our parents

babyosisi:


Hahaha
Whenever I say to him that I wish it didn't happen
He says he thanks God for that heavy rain that prevented me from leaving lol

.

Hahaha...

babyosisi:


Thanks
It looks like this is my true calling
I was in a seminar about starting a small business and the man asked,what are you passionate about and this is the only thing I could think of
I would wish that young unmarried girls don't make my mistakes or the mistakes of our parents

.

Yes, l think you should do more of counseling in addition to your medical line.. .

@the bold, true...

babyosisi:


Thanks
It looks like this is my true calling
I was in a seminar about starting a small business and the man asked,what are you passionate about and this is the only thing I could think of
I would wish that young unmarried girls don't make my mistakes or the mistakes of our parents

It's funny you say this is your passion because even in the western world girls are confused about issues concerning the heart/love ect. You would be an asset to black communities where young ladies don't understand their rights. You could be a support worker or volunteer at women's refuge.

I laugh in Greek.

Real life is going to teach some people some hard lessons.

A washing machine isn't a personal item. In Nigeria, a lot of estates don't make allowance for your machine (your landlord will tell you not to break his wall, water supply in that area may be inadequate) and some wives may not be privy to that info.

Cooking pots was my mum's metaphor: she had lost her hubby to a 2nd wife, numerous women and her man was tired of all that crazy and didn't know where home was. She could have screamed at him (she has a hot temper) she didn't need him for anything after all he had put her through. Instead she made him want to take care of her, want to pamper her, focused his attention back on her when she realised he was tired of running mad, made him feel good. She made him feel like a king, over buying cooking pots. She jejely waited till he got tired, appealed to his ego and that was all. And he came back. He spent the rest of his life trying to please her and win her and make up for lost years.

That woman will not condone an abusive husband, expects her sons to cook and never nagged me for marrying much later than my peers. She made me reject expensive gifts i got (as a young girl) from guys because she said it would make me focus on their generosity, not their true worth. She has never lacked financially, she made her own money. She knew that each situation was different, and that a woman doesn't have to use strong head to declare her independence and assert herself. My MIL is another woman like her.

It's never about how well you can argue, it's about the easy way and the smart way.

I wonder where Mutter is. I don't see eye to eye on some matters with her, but she's a helluva smart lady.

Chillisauce:


I can't put my head around this wear red bra, dance naked before your man gets something that's needed in the home.
Worst off, you have the money yet you have to go through this rigorous exercise to get things done.

Na wah.

I dey read somethings .

My dear. After scheming on how to get the kids to eat their veggies, I will still be scheming on how to get a grown arse adult to do what needs to be done? Who has that type of energy?

Honey this worked for your mother. She was the exception to the rule she wasn't the rule. I mean this advice may not work for a young lady in this time and age. We respect that it worked for your mother but I wouldn't advice my young nieces or nephews to accept or behave in this manner. This isn't about being smart. Today women want men they don't need me and visa versa therefore there is no need for martyr. This is not what this thread is about. It focuses on people's rights and advocates a HEALTHY relationship.

Onegai:
A washing machine isn't a personal item. In Nigeria, a lot of estates don't make allowance for your machine (your landlord will tell you not to break his wall, water supply in that area may be inadequate) and some wives may not be privy to that info.

Cooking pots was my mum's metaphor: she had lost her hubby to a 2nd wife, numerous women and her man was tired of all that crazy and didn't know where home was. She could have screamed at him (she has a hot temper) she didn't need him for anything after all he had put her through. Instead she made him want to take care of her, want to pamper her, focused his attention back on her when she realised he was tired of running mad, made him feel good. She made him feel like a king, over buying cooking pots. She jejely waited till he got tired, appealed to his ego and that was all. And he came back. He spent the rest of his life trying to please her and win her and make up for lost years.

That woman will not condone an abusive husband, expects her sons to cook and never nagged me for marrying much later than my peers. She made me reject expensive gifts i got (as a young girl) from guys because she said it would make me focus on their generosity, not their true worth. She has never lacked financially, she made her own money. She knew that each situation was different, and that a woman doesn't have to use strong head to declare her independence and assert herself. My MIL is another woman like her.

It's never about how well you can argue, it's about the easy way and the smart way.

I wonder where Mutter is. I don't see eye to eye on some matters with her, but she's a helluva smart lady.

Onegai:


Cooking pots was my mum's metaphor: she had lost her hubby to a 2nd wife, numerous women and her man was tired of all that crazy and didn't know where home was. She could have screamed at him (she has a hot temper) she didn't need him for anything after all he had put her through. Instead she made him want to take care of her, want to pamper her, focused his attention back on her when she realised he was tired of running mad, made him feel good. She made him feel like a king, over buying cooking pots. She jejely waited till he got tired, appealed to his ego and that was all. And he came back. He spent the rest of his life trying to please her and win her and make up for lost years.

That woman will not condone an abusive husband, expects her sons to cook and never nagged me for marrying much later than my peers. She made me reject expensive gifts i got (as a young girl) from guys because she said it would make me focus on their generosity, not their true worth. She has never lacked financially, she made her own money. She knew that each situation was different, and that a woman doesn't have to use strong head to declare her independence and assert herself. My MIL is another woman like her.

That highlighted part makes the situation she was in clearer
Thanks for sharing
Unfortunately I have a whole different thing to say about polygamy situations and the competition to be the favorite wife and the apple of the man's eye.
That is on a whole 'nother level that I would rather not get into on this thread
Hers was a different type of marriage that I don't advocate or subscribe to and I now appreciate why she had to do what she did.
I wouldn't teach it or condone it and certainly wouldn't stay in it.

Dimples192:
Honey this worked for your mother. She was the exception to the rule she wasn't the rule. I mean this advice may not work for a young lady in this time and age. We respect that it worked for your mother but I wouldn't advice my young nieces or nephews to accept or behave in this manner. This isn't about being smart. Today women want men they don't need me and visa versa therefore there is no need for martyr. This is not what this thread is about. It focuses on people's rights and advocates a HEALTHY relationship.

Thanks so much for putting it succinctly
If she had made that revelation in her first post,there would have been no need for me and others to "rack brain" trying to figure out how this could be termed normal.
This thread is not about how to survive within an abusive marriage or polygamy.
I don't like either situations

ileobatojo:


My dear. After scheming on how to get the kids to eat their veggies, I will still be scheming on how to get a grown arse adult to do what needs to be done? Who has that type of energy ?

Lol @ the highlighted
Nne na wa o
God help us all

Nne m. Jiri ya nwayo maka babes na-alubeghi di biko. U make our akpiri strecth without just cause o. I nugo?

babyosisi:


Nna mehn,the ego here is not ego igwe o ( dollars and pounds)
Na blokoss me I wan massage now
Can't wait for this stud to come home mehn

Not wanting to go personal but to answer your question. If he's having an affair, As in not even a one time one night stand that he succumbed to but a serious affair with another lady or ladies yes I will seperate from him thank you.

I'm not a hard hearted person that doesn't believe in forgiveness so I can't tell you it is wrong to forgive a person who strays once but is willing to make amends and most importantly recognize that they have hurt,disrespected and mocked your Union.

But when that person sees it as a norm or something he or she does because he can get away with it regardless of how the partner feels about it, then pls walk away.
That's the recipe for a miserable life.
Your self esteem will drop to minus zero if you keep taking it.

As for slap. My dear if he yells at me I'll burst into tears. so don't even go to the extent of slapping because I'll sleep in a homeless shelter that night or wherever I can find until the divorce is through.

nannymcphee:


CC: cococandy
madam I respect ur difference in opinion

So what will you do if your husband is having an affair? Pack out of the house?

in the case of assault, should he slap you, will you pack out?

the wrestle mania in my home was a fair fight, my dad wasn't out to cause bodily harm, neither did it result to my mum bring hospitalized

Infact when the first slap is given, my mum retaliates & the fight begins, so its not as though bottle or knife or wood was employed. Neither did my dad use the whole of his might as a man to fight, I do know with this scenario a lot of things can still go wrong


If a man becomes abusive to the extent of bodily harm being done, then I can subscribe to separation or divorce!!

If a man hits a lady & she is pleading or crying & he doesn't stop, then the beast in him is at work, a sane man shouldn't use a combination of blows or slaps or anything on a woman!!

The next question is what triggers such reaction from him?

Everyone keep hammering on the man for using his God given natural strengt/might on a woman(not an excuse o) but everyone seems to turn a blind eye when the woman uses her God given natural ballistic tongue/mouth on a man (which sometimes is the cause of the beast rising up in the man)

As for cheating, my advice is look well before u leap & if after leaping, then pray to God for wisdom in handling the matter

Not that this is an excuse, some men were pushed into extramarital affairs cos of their wives(either they had to peace at home, so they found solace in the arms of another woman or they were being nagged to death or unskillful in bedmatics or the men were being emasculated etc the list goes on)

so sometimes plugging these holes might help & then a bachelor who partied & clubbed a lot or imbibed the act of one night standsl might find that habit difficult to break in marriage, so if u got into such union thinking you will change him, well sorry for you


PS:I sent you a PM, I don't know if you got it, how can I reach you, I need to discuss something with you

babyosisi:


Lol @ the highlighted
Nne na wa o
God help us all

Pls ma, you have a mail