₦airaland Forum

Great thread.
Am married with kids. We are currently building our home. The project has fostered a united front and gives us a topic that excites us both. The property is in both our names which I feel is natural
. He however made a statement that I would not have even known he bought land not to talk of having my name on the deed if I was not earning enough to contribute substantially to the project. On another occasion he said his telling me of the projects day to day activities was doing me a great favour. That I should ask all my friends who are housewives if their names all re on their property. Mega Shocked! !!!!
I felt so heartbroken and disappointed. I presently want to withdraw all support from that building financial and otherwise. I feel like if not for my financial ability he would not even regard me or even have married me. I wonder what would become of me if I loose my job or stop working.

Na wa

shrekandfiona:
when I read your post, it was a "deja vu" for me. Like you I have 2 kids pregnant for my 3rd as well. I married a traditional man who sees the woman as a domestic being. I am working though so what I did was employ a house help he never supported at 1st but I pay her myself. She is not a live in help. She resumes 8am and closes 5pm when I get back from work.

I wake up daily by 5am, cook for the house wake kids up by 6:15am to get them ready for school, their school bus picks them up by 7am, thereafter I prepare for my work. Hubby is still asleep till 8am when he wakes to eat his breakfast. I leave for work by 8:30am by then the help has resumed for cleaning.

can you believe by 1:30pm everyday hubby calls me to ask if his lunch is served at home and me am at work o. I have to call my help at home to make sure his lunch is ready. Note that he doesn't allow the help to cook his meals o. I cook and store away while the help just warms and serve.

It has not been easy but I had to adjust. So my advise to you is to get a help (not live in o) or get a relation like a younger sister or cousin to help you out because if your hubby is like mine, he will never yield to helping around the house o. I had to even change jobs to a more flexible but lower paying one just to reduce stress

shrekandfiona:
when I read your post, it was a "deja vu" for me. Like you I have 2 kids pregnant for my 3rd as well. I married a traditional man who sees the woman as a domestic being. I am working though so what I did was employ a house help he never supported at 1st but I pay her myself. She is not a live in help. She resumes 8am and closes 5pm when I get back from work.

I wake up daily by 5am, cook for the house wake kids up by 6:15am to get them ready for school, their school bus picks them up by 7am, thereafter I prepare for my work. Hubby is still asleep till 8am when he wakes to eat his breakfast. I leave for work by 8:30am by then the help has resumed for cleaning.

can you believe by 1:30pm everyday hubby calls me to ask if his lunch is served at home and me am at work o. I have to call my help at home to make sure his lunch is ready. Note that he doesn't allow the help to cook his meals o. I cook and store away while the help just warms and serve.

It has not been easy but I had to adjust. So my advise to you is to get a help (not live in o) or get a relation like a younger sister or cousin to help you out because if your hubby is like mine, he will never yield to helping around the house o. I had to even change jobs to a more flexible but lower paying one just to reduce stress

[s]i'm sorry you married a self-centred, egotistical piece of %&@$%[/s]. You changed jobs to a lower paying one to please that selfish man? You be RUTH oooo... he calls you at work to ask if lunch is ready? You[s] better tell him to move his mum in with you guys or better still get his sisters to come cater to his every need.[/s] You are pregnant and doing all this? The maid sef dey enjoy life pass you. SMH!!

cococandy:
Na wa

lol . It hasn't been all bad though he also has his good sides. He is fun, faithful et all. When Moca talks about us bending in relationships, trust me I know that cos I am so bent like a crayfish in my marriage

on a lighter note its all about compromise and knowing what works for you. I used to get angry and almost gave up once but when I started coming to nairaland and reading people's post as a guest, I discovered that some men were really programmed like that from childhood and it was here I learnt about the attributes of a traditional man and my hubby so fits in so I gave up complaining and started adjusting

Idowuogbo:
[s]i'm sorry you married a self-centred, egotistical piece of %&@$%[/s]. You changed jobs to a lower paying one to please that selfish man? You be RUTH oooo... he calls you at work to ask if lunch is ready? You[s] better tell him to move his mum in with you guys or better still get his sisters to come cater to his every need.[/s] You are pregnant and doing all this? The maid sef dey enjoy life pass you. SMH!!

lol trust me it isn't that bad. His other good sides covers his not helping around the house. At a time he
even suggested having his cousin from the village come live with me to help out all round but I refused cos my house is quite small for a live in now

shrekandfiona:
lol trust me it isn't that bad. His other good sides covers his not helping around the house. At a time he
even suggested having his cousin from the village come live with me to help out all round but I refused cos my house is quite small for a live in now

Haaaa...its ok. I was 'paraing' on your behalf ni o .That's too much work for a pregnant woman na... I think you let him get away with loads. Talk to him and try get him to help you with chores na... you can do split shifts, instead of you getting up at 6, you can both get up at 7, while his getting the kids ready ,you can work on prepping lunch that way you get an hr more in bed to give him early morning shoki.

It is great how you're seeing the cup as half full and not half empty.

all the best dear.

shrekandfiona:
lol . It hasn't been all bad though he also has his good sides. He is fun, faithful et all. When Moca talks about us bending in relationships, trust me I know that cos I am so bent like a crayfish in my marriage

on a lighter note its all about compromise and knowing what works for you. I used to get angry and almost gave up once but when I started coming to nairaland and reading people's post as a guest, I discovered that some men were really programmed like that from childhood and it was here I learnt about the attributes of a traditional man and my hubby so fits in so I gave up complaining and started adjusting

modele2:
Great thread.
Am married with kids. We are currently building our home. The project has fostered a united front and gives us a topic that excites us both. The property is in both our names which I feel is natural
. He however made a statement that I would not have even known he bought land not to talk of having my name on the deed if I was not earning enough to contribute substantially to the project. On another occasion he said his telling me of the projects day to day activities was doing me a great favour. That I should ask all my friends who are housewives if their names all re on their property. Mega Shocked! !!!!
I felt so heartbroken and disappointed. I presently want to withdraw all support from that building financial and otherwise. I feel like if not for my financial ability he would not even regard me or even have married me. I wonder what would become of me if I loose my job or stop working.

Your man has got an ego and his statement was a selfish one.
Have a talk with him and express the things you just wrote here to him.Tell him the exact words.His response will determine what your next course of action will be.

shrekandfiona:
lol . It hasn't been all bad though he also has his good sides. He is fun, faithful et all. When Moca talks about us bending in relationships, trust me I know that cos I am so bent like a crayfish in my marriage

on a lighter note its all about compromise and knowing what works for you. I used to get angry and almost gave up once but when I started coming to nairaland and reading people's post as a guest, I discovered that some men were really programmed like that from childhood and it was here I learnt about the attributes of a traditional man and my hubby so fits in so I gave up complaining and started adjusting

programmed which way? That's an excuse abeg! You don't watch your pregnant wife get up that early to prep kids,make your lunch and blame it on your upbringing. That's so wrong!!! So na you dem program that way ba? You be robot? Talk to your husy abeg! Don't fall in that category of women that think a man's role is making babies, house rent and feeding allowance. You don't want your son to treat your future daughter-in-law this way do ya? Act on it lady! Lay it out! Get him to comprise as well biko

Hmn,i just can't get my hand on this.
Why won't a man help in the house?
What is the meaning of traditional african man?
My daddy can outdo my mum in house chores.
My bro can outdo me too.

My hubby can bathe me and the kid if it's necessary and his balls r still hanging.

I blame parents and more especially mothers for not training their make child well.
Can we see the vicious cycle?

A man who thinks he is too big tto help in the house don't know what he is missing.
1. He has his wiffe's love tatooed in his heart permanently.
2. He is teaching his children the art and act of being responsible.
3.he is sending love message across his whole house. The kids especially boys will know that there is no male or female role when it comes to taking care of the house.
4.he is also called blessed by everybody. If I enter a house and see a man pounding yam while iyawo is preparing soup,children r doing one thing or the other,that is the kind of house I sit down to dine with.
I will extoll the man in the presence of his family let his head swell.
Oh,lots of men r really missing out a lot.
How do u show love if not tru all these?

Anytime we r in d village eg for xmas and I'm busy painting my nails with my galfriend,my bro will just enter kitchen and pound his foofoo(he loves that food well)
Mummy graded us one time and said he cooks better than me

All my male relatives cook.
It's a normal thing in my area.

U will see a US based big man early morning one xmas period with long broom sweeping compd. If u ask him what of the children either home or abroad,he will say they r still in bed. Harmattan ish. So he is indulging them.
That they were trained to sweep the compound very early in the morning.
This is a man that is financing almost 20 people and very influential yet sees nothing in sweeping his father's compound.

Common guys,enuff of this rubbish.
U want a happy and fulfilled family life,do the needful.
Remember ur wife is ur jewel.
She is ur queen. Treat her so and see chains of surprised reactions coming from her.
Also if u want ur daughter's husband to worship her,worship her mum.
So u will forever remain a proud husband and father.

How I wish u guys know the benefits and blessing that comes with bending low
That ur parents and uncle's didn't do that and u guessed their marriage was splendid is a big fat lie.
Society made women then not to complain.
Society dictated what happens in d family.
And guess what?
We can see the ripple effect.
Don't let society marry ur wife or father ur children for u.

See what society has gotten nigeria into.
Let's start making d diff from our various homes.
Marriage is sweet if those invoved play their parts well.

Idowuogbo:
programmed which way? That's an excuse abeg! You don't watch your pregnant wife get up that early to prep kids,make your lunch and blame it on your upbringing. That's so wrong!!! So na you dem program that way ba? You be robot? Talk to your husy abeg! Don't fall in that category of women that think a man's role is making babies, house rent and feeding allowance. You don't want your son to treat your future daughter-in-law this way do ya? Act on it lady! Lay it out! Get him to comprise as well biko

Na so e be for Naija

Idowuogbo:
programmed which way? That's an excuse abeg! You don't watch your pregnant wife get up that early to prep kids,make your lunch and blame it on your upbringing. That's so wrong!!! So na you dem program that way ba? You be robot? Talk to your husy abeg! Don't fall in that category of women that think a man's role is making babies, house rent and feeding allowance. You don't want your son to treat your future daughter-in-law this way do ya? Act on it lady! Lay it out! Get him to comprise as well biko

Badoo my love!
Take this

Lady,pls don't stomach rubbish in d name of bending
A pregnant lady with ur baby?
I will leave those kids o let them miss school o.
As per d food, why will u be waking up to cook for him in d morning?
Can't he help out?
Then let hunger kpeme him if he thinks that cooking is strictly a woman thing.
How heartless(sorry,im using derogatory language but I'm just so pissed off).
I blame u lady. U can't keep on bending when the other party has refused to bend.
At times we apply force.
At times we behave like a mad person
At times we super insist or allow something deliberately go wrong.

U don't start what u can't finish.

Somebody said her husband called her lazy.
A pregnant woman.
Not only will I call him lazy,i will call all his family members lazy and believe u me,will practicalize it.
Any man that fails to treat a pregnant wife as an egg even if she looks and act very strong is an ass*hole.

Come my way,i will teach u a little lesson u will never forget in ur life.
Traditional african man my foot.
Rabbish!

moca:
Badoo my love!
Take this

Lady,pls don't stomach rubbish in d name of bending
A pregnant lady with ur baby?
I will leave those kids o let them miss school o.
As per d food, why will u be waking up to cook for him in d morning?
Can't he help out?
Then let hunger kpeme him if he thinks that cooking is strictly a woman thing.
How heartless(sorry,im using derogatory language but I'm just so pissed off).
I blame u lady. U can't keep on bending when the other party has refused to bend.
At times we apply force.
At times we behave like a mad person
At times we super insist or allow something deliberately go wrong.

U don't start what u can't finish.

Somebody said her husband called her lazy.
A pregnant woman.
Not only will I call him lazy,i will call all his family members lazy and believe u me,will practicalize it.
Any man that fails to treat a pregnant wife as an egg even if she looks and act very strong is an ass*hole.

Come my way,i will teach u a little lesson u will never forget in ur life.
Traditional african man my foot.
Rabbish!

Moca u dey vesss.
In this generation,a man just can't fold his arms around the house.It's not right.

Women should stop tolerating bad behaviour. The more men get away with it, the more women suffer.

thorpido:
Moca u dey vesss.
In this generation,a man just can't fold his arms around the house.It's not right.

My dear,i don't know of others but when preggy,especially at d first 4 to 5 months,even with food staring at me,if u no bring am,na so I go starve to death.
It's that bad.

If I happen to eat and u r within rangee,i will deposit d whole stuff on ur body.


Leave me now make I die. But b4 I go kpeme,i will make sure I write letters to my people,ur people,ur place of work,pastor, our umuada and my kids if I hv any that u deliberately killed me so u will marry another woman let's see of u can survive that.

moca:
Badoo my love!
Take this

Lady,pls don't stomach rubbish in d name of bending
A pregnant lady with ur baby?
I will leave those kids o let them miss school o.
As per d food, why will u be waking up to cook for him in d morning?
Can't he help out?
Then let hunger kpeme him if he thinks that cooking is strictly a woman thing.
How heartless(sorry,im using derogatory language but I'm just so pissed off).
I blame u lady. U can't keep on bending when the other party has refused to bend.
At times we apply force.
At times we behave like a mad person
At times we super insist or allow something deliberately go wrong.

U don't start what u can't finish.

Somebody said her husband called her lazy.
A pregnant woman.
Not only will I call him lazy,i will call all his family members lazy and believe u me,will practicalize it.
Any man that fails to treat a pregnant wife as an egg even if she looks and act very strong is an ass*hole.

Come my way,i will teach u a little lesson u will never forget in ur life.
Traditional african man my foot.
Rabbish!

In as much I understand what you're trying to say.. You've to be a bit light, don't let the woman in question get remorseful towards her husband, wouldn't be good for her marriage and kids are involved too.. She seems to be doing it with a good heart and appreciates her husband's good attitudes which shows the man isn't entirely bad...she has also gotten a paid help too.

She has talked to her husband, yet no headway so telling her all these is really discouraging as there's lil or nothing she can do now except she wants to leave the marriage. . Besides she must have known her husband had those attributes before marriage... Yeah, the man's attitude isn't good but then you think enforcing it will do any better? it will only cause war...

I will only encourage her to do only things she can, she shouldn't go beyond her elastic limit, if in the morning she can't prepare breakfast, her husband can make do with cereals or tea or whatever... I believe there are ways to go about it without having to 'fight' the husband..All these 'gra gra' only worsen marriages...She has two kids with one on the way, soon the eldest will grow up and start helping around the house. .

Thanks cococandy, Idowuogbo and moca for your recommendations. You are all very kind and indeed a sister's keeper. Though I value privacy, I'll like to make some clarity. I don't condone my hubby's attitude towards house chores but I have come to live with it. Why I said he has been programmed like that since childhood is based on my observations during holiday visits in his home town.

They live in a family compound there and I notice that as early as 4am, their women and girls wake up and start sweeping the compound, making firewood for cooking etc. Men are not allowed in their kitchen etc instead what I see the men doing is gathering in beer parlours drinking etc after coming back from farms . Their boys also play football et all after school.

Does this make it a norm, hell no. My 1st is a boy of 6yrs, my 2nd is 4yrs. My boy stays with me at times in the kitchen giving me things I need to reach, he packs his toys and those of his sister when it's almost bedtime, he baths and at times baths his sister for me when I am running late but doesn't wash her privates o because I have taught her how to wash her privates.

I will indeed be happy when hubby starts helping out but we have been married almost a decade and despite talks, complaints from me he has not yielded so what I did was to adjust to avoid resentment.

My mum used to tell me during my nagging days that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and hard work does not kill. If I had known all these before marriage, i may not have married him I guess that is why babyosisi started this thread to avoid mistakes in marriage

MarvellousGod:
In as much I understand what you're trying to say.. You've to be a bit light, don't let the woman in question get remorseful towards her husband, wouldn't be good for her marriage and kids are involved too.. She seems to be doing it with a good heart and appreciates her husband's good attitudes which shows the man isn't entirely bad...she has also gotten a paid help too.

She has talked to her husband, yet no headway so telling her all these is really discouraging as there's lil or nothing she can do now except she wants to leave the marriage. . Besides she must have known her husband had those attributes before marriage... Yeah, the man's attitude isn't good but then you think enforcing it will do any better? it will only cause war...

I will only encourage her to do only things she can, she shouldn't go beyond her elastic limit, if in the morning she can't prepare breakfast, her husband can make do with cereals or tea or whatever... I believe there are ways to go about it without having to 'fight' the husband..All these 'gra gra' only worsen marriages...She has two kids with one on the way, soon the eldest will grow up and start helping around the house. .

Thank you. You understand. I am not making excuses for hubby but I have come to accept his shortcomings and God has been faithful.

@yadoctora,thank u.
Simple as abc.

@ marvellousGod, if the person likes the treatment,then why complain?
Abi u want me to tag A as B?
Realities of life are harsh my dear. Not what most of us paint here.
At times u have to be hash in other to survive.
If per adventure that man marries a new wife today who will not tolerate this,i tell u the man must adjust. It is a must
How u make ur home is how u want it to be.

My hubby grew up with dozens of househelp.
Till date,they still have plenty of them living with his daddy

So this automatically made him a lazy fellow when at home cos everything is always taken care of.

When we married, I don't want such and I groomed him into participating in d house.
Period.
When his dad came to visit(he even came with one) he was shocked that his boy can bath baby,enter kitchen while I sitand gist away
He actually complained but hubby told him,this is the right thing to do.
My FIL believed that it's the man's duty to provide,thats all. The wife does the same
We changed that mentality.

U don't condone what u can't stand in d near future cos u wanna be a mrs.
I'm grew up around lots of married ladies that I listened well when they advice me from their well of knowledge so I won't make their mistakes(assuming there is any)

So my dear, it's what u groomed,nurtured that u will reap. Hard fact of life.

Madam! Calm down... What she is doing is working for her ...she isn't complaining.

moca:
@yadoctora,thank u.
Simple as abc.

@ marvellousGod, if the person likes the treatment,then why complain?
Abi u want me to tag A as B?
Realities of life are harsh my dear. Not what most of us paint here.
At times u have to be hash in other to survive.
If per adventure that man marries a new wife today who will not tolerate this,i tell u the man must adjust. It is a must
How u make ur home is how u want it to be.

My hubby grew up with dozens of househelp.
Till date,they still have plenty of them living with his daddy

So this automatically made him a lazy fellow when at home cos everything is always taken care of.

When we married, I don't want such and I groomed him into participating in d house.
Period.
When his dad came to visit(he even came with one) he was shocked that his boy can bath baby,enter kitchen while I sitand gist away
He actually complained but hubby told him,this is the right thing to do.
My FIL believed that it's the man's duty to provide,thats all. The wife does the same
We changed that mentality.

U don't condone what u can't stand in d near future cos u wanna be a mrs.
I'm grew up around lots of married ladies that I listened well when they advice me from their well of knowledge so I won't make their mistakes(assuming there is any)

So my dear, it's what u groomed,nurtured that u will reap. Hard fact of life.

I understand you Moca and you're entirely right. But what if your husband never adjusted?? You know not everyone can be bent, I will say you were only lucky....

That's why every repair that needs to be done should be done during courtship and not after marriage, so that you can monitor the situation and know whether to stay or walk away.... Not after marriage, you start nagging he is like this or that when you knew that all along...

shrekandfiona:
Thank you. You understand. I am not making excuses for hubby but I have come to accept his shortcomings and God has been faithful.

I am angry at what u r passing tru.
I read ur other posts remember?
We always make excuses for our spouses.
Change that mentality and strive to get the best out of ur marriage cos udeserve it.
U don't have to spell everything for me to know how far.
When u put to bed, u have to be strong and try and be a new woman.
Don't accept some things cos it's the norm.
Try and change the norm.
Ur hubby will still train ur male children towards that line,trust me.
And u have to be strong. Very strong.

What he is doing is bad. If it's a woman now,we won't hear.
If he so much don't wanna help,he should pay d bill for housekeeper.
He isn't being fair.

shrekandfiona:
Thank you. You understand. I am not making excuses for hubby but I have come to accept his shortcomings and God has been faithful.

It's well with you dear..Since there's hardly anything one can do about it, I will say you just do things your strength permits, keeping your health in mind.. You can also keep asking him to help, he may yield to you one day... You have also gotten a paid nanny, so I believe the work is lighter now...

All the best in your marriage

LaRoyalHighness:
Madam! Calm down... What is doing is working for her ...she isn't complaining.

And who told u she isn't complaining?

So if I talk about it, it means I'm gonna break her marriage?
No wonder we keep on suffering.

I agree with moca.

I have an uncle that is polygamous. His first wife is a typical Nigerian wife. She did everything for him. When he married the second, people were surprised at how much less she(2nd wife) did while he spoilt her silly.
seeing all of that, the first couldn't compromise anymore. Then wahala started.

As I de look de watch, I realised that what the first wife failed to do was train her man to be kind to her while she could(lovey dovey period) ). wife no. 2 did just that and got away with it.

This is d same man o. It is not a story of different strokes for diffeeent folks. How u lay ur bed, so u shall lie.

MarvellousGod:
I understand you Moca and you're entirely right. But what if your husband never adjusted?? You know not everyone can be bent, I will say you were only lucky....

That's why every repair that needs to be done should be done during courtship and not after marriage, so that you can monitor the situation and know whether to stay or walk away.... Not after marriage, you start nagging he is like this or that when you knew that all along...

Some things surface after wedding,when pregnant,after first baby.
Fact

Yadoctora:
I agree with moca.

I have an uncle that is polygamous. His first wife is a typical Nigerian wife. She did everything for him. When he married the second, people were surprised at how much less she(2nd wife) did while he spoilt her silly.
seeing all of that, the first couldn't compromise anymore. Then wahala started.

As I de look de watch, I realised that what the first wife failed to do was train her man to be kind to her while she could(lovey dovey peeiod) ). wife no. 2 did just that and got away with it.

This is d same man o. It is not a story of different strokes for diffeeent folks. How u lay ur bed, so u shall lie.

Abeg tell them.
They should go and study phases of human psychology.

moca:
Some things surface after wedding,when pregnant,after first baby.
Fact

You didn't answer me, what if your husband never changed when you tried to bend him? Or in this case where she has tried and still no head way.. what do you advice? We all know her husband's attitude isn't the best but then what do you want her to do? enforce it as you said?

Some things surface after wedding but most times there are signs.. Just like in ur husband's case where they had many maids.. You were only lucky you could change him..

moca:
I am angry at what u r passing tru.
I read ur other posts remember?
We always make excuses for our spouses.
Change that mentality and strive to get the best out of ur marriage cos udeserve it.
U don't have to spell everything for me to know how far.
When u put to bed, u have to be strong and try and be a new woman.
Don't accept some things cos it's the norm.
Try and change the norm.
Ur hubby will still train ur male children towards that line,trust me.
And u have to be strong. Very strong.

What he is doing is bad. If it's a woman now,we won't hear.
If he so much don't wanna help,he should pay d bill for housekeeper.
He isn't being fair.

thanks dearie. I know you're watching out for me and I appreciate. Will stick to your advise during and after delivery

MarvellousGod:
It's well with you dear..Since there's hardly anything one can do about it, I will say you just do things your strength permits, keeping your health in mind.. You can also keep asking him to help, he may yield to you one day... You have also gotten a paid nanny, so I believe the work is lighter now...

All the best in your marriage

Thanks you're so kind. I hope he yields too some day but I have come to realise you don't nag an adult for change. The choice is absolutely his to make, no hard feelings whatsoever. I am a survivor

Take a chill pill madam. The woman has made a good point. All she needs is peace...

moca:
And who told u she isn't complaining?

So if I talk about it, it means I'm gonna break her marriage?
No wonder we keep on suffering.

moca:
And who told u she isn't complaining?

So if I talk about it, it means I'm gonna break her marriage?
No wonder we keep on suffering.

My dear I really don't understand people that are saying that she is not complaining. If her first post is not her complaining, I wonder what it is. Simply put, she is complaining but just like many of our women, they accept it and do nothing about it. Creating problems not only for themselves but also for the next generation . When I was pregnant, I was pampered and not expected to wake up very early to cook. Most women have said it here many times. Do not start what you cannot finish. During courtship, make it clear what you can and cannot accept/do. In early days of marriage, when some things suffix , make it clear what you can take/do and what you cannot take/do and the two of you can come to a compromise. To those who are asking what if the husband does not change? I want to ask a question too---What if the woman does not change?

@ bolded Exactly