Renaj:


Thank you Aunty. Am mighty proud of all my E-Aunties and Uncles. You 've been wonderful.
ls 6 months now. 3 months before we met and 3 months after we met.

thorpido:
Give it more time.You seem to be in love already but don't commit yourself yet.
If you eventually decide to commit,know that this biz idea could work or it may not.A lot of people want to do business too but it's still a dream.
Finances in marriage is a big thing.

shrekandfiona:
@renaj, Hmmmm I don't know where to start advising you from but in my honest opinion there are so ooooo many differences between you and that dude. The only similarity is your tribe.

Firstly the age difference is huge. A 5-7 yr gap is okay and anything more than that is a no no for me only if am going into the relationship for financial reasons but in your case the dude sef isn't financially stable.
He knew this that was why he lied initially that he was 30 yrs old. If a 35yr old man is looking for love on Facebook, it will be a red flag for me because I'll wonder what he did with his youth.

secondly, the day you met him physically was the day he persuaded you for him to meet your dad with a wine Why the rush? You were just meeting for the 1st time and he's already eager to meet your parents and you his? Another red flag for me

thirdly the difference in education is just too huge. You're already on your masters and him a wasc holder? And you think inferiority complex wouldn't set in? In fact based on the hints he is already giving you that he thinks you'll leave him for a graduate like yourself is a complex already brewing.

If you were my sister, I'll advise you either get to study him more, his kind of friends, relationship with people etc before agreeing to any solid thing with him or better still leave him and get someone at par with you at least education wise.

you are still young and a V please do not loose that carelessly. The dude may be a predator and is actually nice and caring for a reason. He may have other things he isn't saying. I once dated a dude like that years ago. We were in same town, a waec holder and way older than me. We met physically at my work canteen at lunch and he was way too nice to me. He lied about his age, job, qualification it was later I got to know through his sister whom I became close to. It was devastating for me because he swept me off my feet. I even later got to know he had kids staying in the village with his mum.

so my dear thread carefully though some may be genuine but some are wolves in sheepskin

Renaj:



Hello house, please help a sister....
I got the courage to write because of the selfless service y'all are rendering. May God bless you.

I met this guy on Facebook, fell in love and he proposed without us seeing each other(wierd, isn't it?). This all happened within a span of 3 months. Why? This guy who l have never was different from all the guys l' ve met( in a good way). I was reluctant but when we actually met, he was everything he said he is except his age which he lied about. He told me his true age on our first day of meeting, that is, 35 against 30. He said he was scared l may not be real, and that is why he didnt tell me his real age. I will be 23 in June.
On our first day of meeting, we were happy and he insisted on meeting my father with a bottle of wine, which he later did. The next day, l met his mother and she was happy. He introduced me 2 everyone that mattered. Despite all these, l didnt give him a concrete yes!
I am a graduate and just started Msc programme and he is WASC holder. When we just started communication via phone, l knew because of his little errors in written and spoken English, which he does better than most of my course mates in school, but l didnt comment about it. I do correct him and he adjust easily. When we got serious, he told me that he didnt go to the University because of financial constraint. He is exposed though. l told him that l would like him to start an ND program @least and he reluctantly agreed. He is a driver with an oil company in Lagos and barely has time for himself.
Few weeks before we met, he lost his job. He is recently working but the pay isnt much. He has business plans but no capital
He is humble, honest(except the age thing), trustworthy and has a big sense of humor.
I have never been in a relationship. He is my first boyfriend. He lives in Lagos while l live in the east, though we are both from the south east. I have gone to his place and spent 3 days because of a job interview and he never forced me 4 sex,(am a virgin) though we cuddled.
He always seeks for my advice before embarking on anything, and always aims to make me happy. When we started communicating, l was a frustrated applicant on the verge of suicide (lol) but now, though still an applicant, he made me see the whole issue as one of life's hurdles and not a do or die affair.
My fear is that this is my first r/ship. Am scared because l dont know if am being blinded by emotions or not, and him not being financially buoyant. Also a little worried about the age difference. He sometimes hint that l will leave him if l meet a graduate like me or someone richer.
He is a romantic at heart and is planning a romantic proposal in April( l gathered from hints). I am a difficult person, a melancholy and prone to mood changes, but on every occasion, he always have patience and shows maturity in dealing with every issue.
This is new for me, l have no dating experience and don't know if l should say yes with all the differences or date others first. I love him but l need to use my brain too.
Please help!!!
Sorry for the long story.

fem29:


My dear I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes we have to forget about our husbands and find a way to ease ourselves. If you continue trying to get him to help, you may die of high bp. Though I think he should be the 1 paying the help, I hope it's not too exp.

1 thing I can suggest, why don't you get the help to come in at 6am instead and leave earlier. That seems to be when the bulk of the work is. Sh can be bathing and dressing the kids(with you keeping an eye on her). Whilst you are cooking. That way you can have a bit more sleep and a less stressed morning setting you up for a more productive day. I wonder what the maid will be doing all day long, I'm sure she will do a couple of hrs of cleaning and then spend the remaining time watching tv . Lucky maid

Renaj:


Thank you dear. He told me that he was badly hurt by an ex girlfriend whom he intended marrying. Though he was the person to break off the relationship, he gave up on any emotional involvement with women till l came along(according to him). That is why he is still single at 35. He looks good at 35.(lol). He insisted on seeing my family because he wanted to prove that he is real and not playing games with me. He took me to his mother because she was enthusiastic about her sons relationship status. His mother who had given up on his son because of his hurtful past in relationship welcomed me warmly. She calls me daily too.
Now, l am officially scared.

emeraldoe:
@d bolded. I met my hubby wen I was 19 and he was 29. U wudnt even know dere's a 10 year difference btw us except u are told. He wasn't financially stable wen we met(jst finished frm university)

moca:
Hmn,i just can't get my hand on this.
Why won't a man help in the house?
What is the meaning of traditional african man?
My daddy can outdo my mum in house chores.
My bro can outdo me too.

My hubby can bathe me and the kid if it's necessary and his balls r still hanging.

I blame parents and more especially mothers for not training their make child well.
Can we see the vicious cycle?

A man who thinks he is too big tto help in the house don't know what he is missing.
1. He has his wiffe's love tatooed in his heart permanently.
2. He is teaching his children the art and act of being responsible.
3.he is sending love message across his whole house. The kids especially boys will know that there is no male or female role when it comes to taking care of the house.
4.he is also called blessed by everybody. If I enter a house and see a man pounding yam while iyawo is preparing soup,children r doing one thing or the other,that is the kind of house I sit down to dine with.
I will extoll the man in the presence of his family let his head swell.
Oh,lots of men r really missing out a lot.
How do u show love if not tru all these?

Anytime we r in d village eg for xmas and I'm busy painting my nails with my galfriend,my bro will just enter kitchen and pound his foofoo(he loves that food well)
Mummy graded us one time and said he cooks better than me

All my male relatives cook.
It's a normal thing in my area.

U will see a US based big man early morning one xmas period with long broom sweeping compd. If u ask him what of the children either home or abroad,he will say they r still in bed. Harmattan ish. So he is indulging them.
That they were trained to sweep the compound very early in the morning.
This is a man that is financing almost 20 people and very influential yet sees nothing in sweeping his father's compound.

Common guys,enuff of this rubbish.
U want a happy and fulfilled family life,do the needful.
Remember ur wife is ur jewel.
She is ur queen. Treat her so and see chains of surprised reactions coming from her.
Also if u want ur daughter's husband to worship her,worship her mum.
So u will forever remain a proud husband and father.

How I wish u guys know the benefits and blessing that comes with bending low
That ur parents and uncle's didn't do that and u guessed their marriage was splendid is a big fat lie.
Society made women then not to complain.
Society dictated what happens in d family.
And guess what?
We can see the ripple effect.
Don't let society marry ur wife or father ur children for u.

See what society has gotten nigeria into.
Let's start making d diff from our various homes.
Marriage is sweet if those invoved play their parts well.

Yadoctora:
Women should stop tolerating bad behaviour. The more men get away with it, the more women suffer.

babyosisi:


My best friend will say ada ,emeka will get angry when I do this but I have already decided that is what I will do,highest he will get angry for two days and we will get back to Normal and resume the marriage

FOREXMARTS:

Ahhhh, i think know the problem. Na you find trouble, you begged him to START BATHING ur first son, START BATHING, you are now indirectly sharing chores. Honestly from a man's perspective you were delegating assignment. You should have done something like this, "honey please i need your help, with any of the chores if u don't mind". Don't expect him to accept immediately, personally my reply will either be no I can't right now or go ahead I will join you. A caring husband will respond shortly after u tell him and choose any of the chores to help u out with but once u get specific like "start doing this, that" most men will take it personal like "this woman wan order me". Just say you need help with any of the chores to speed up things. To me it ain't a big deal, communication and ur tone matters a lot.

Renaj:


Thank you dear. He told me that he was badly hurt by an ex girlfriend whom he intended marrying. Though he was the person to break off the relationship, he gave up on any emotional involvement with women till l came along(according to him). That is why he is still single at 35. He looks good at 35.(lol). He insisted on seeing my family because he wanted to prove that he is real and not playing games with me. He took me to his mother because she was enthusiastic about her sons relationship status. His mother who had given up on his son because of his hurtful past in relationship welcomed me warmly. She calls me daily too.
Now, l am officially scared.

bukatyne:


I an sorry you are talking of delegating chores in a house you live?

If not Some mothers failed in their responsibility, shouldn't a husband know that when he wakes up, he does something in the house If necessary

If a husband loves his wife as he claims, wouldn't he do something when he sees that the woman's hands are full?

Must it even get to a stage of asking?

Ladies shinning their eyes during courtship cannot be overemphasized.

It is not the time to register in all the hotels and fast food joints. It is also not the time to jump from the kitchen to the bedroom while he looks on.

A man might not understand that you spending the weekend. Over to do chores once a month is 100% different from same routine everyday

moca:
@yadoctora,thank u.
Simple as abc.

@ marvellousGod, if the person likes the treatment,then why complain?
Abi u want me to tag A as B?
Realities of life are harsh my dear. Not what most of us paint here.
At times u have to be hash in other to survive.
If per adventure that man marries a new wife today who will not tolerate this,i tell u the man must adjust. It is a must
How u make ur home is how u want it to be.

My hubby grew up with dozens of househelp.
Till date,they still have plenty of them living with his daddy

So this automatically made him a lazy fellow when at home cos everything is always taken care of.

When we married, I don't want such and I groomed him into participating in d house.
Period.
When his dad came to visit(he even came with one) he was shocked that his boy can bath baby,enter kitchen while I sitand gist away
He actually complained but hubby told him,this is the right thing to do.
My FIL believed that it's the man's duty to provide,thats all. The wife does the same
We changed that mentality.

U don't condone what u can't stand in d near future cos u wanna be a mrs.
I'm grew up around lots of married ladies that I listened well when they advice me from their well of knowledge so I won't make their mistakes(assuming there is any)

So my dear, it's what u groomed,nurtured that u will reap. Hard fact of life.

Renaj:



Thank you Sir, am very much in love. That is why am seeking for advice so l wouldn't be blinded by emotions. As Urchbabie said, l need to see the business kick off before any other thing, to avoid stories that touch......

veave:
@renaj

You should be very careful here. If he wasn't schooling, he must have been learning a trade or doing business. If at 35 he is still trying to start up his life then you should be very scared. Most times when a man is trying to speed up things, there are things he doesn't want you to find out about him. You are already in love tho so most of these advices will be like pouring water on a rock.


Don't believe anything a man says hook line and sinker. They always tell you a sob story to get sympathy from you.
Thank you

stages:
Wow wow. After reading all these posts on husbands not helping out in house chores I think I will start appreciating the little hubby does. He dey try sha. But I can tell u guys there are times I feel like running away. Its not easy being a banker, a mother 3 under 5 years and a student. Women are strong. To think I was that fragile one our home while growing up. When my sisters visit eh they are sooo surprised at how I handle my home , work and skool.

Renaj:



Thank you Sir, am very much in love. That is why am seeking for advice so l wouldn't be blinded by emotions. As Urchbabie said, l need to see the business kick off before any other thing, to avoid stories that touch......

positivec:
Good evening to you all. Am so glad to have stumbled on this topic. It has really changed my perception about things. Thanks to our big Aunties, Babyosisi, Moca , Chaircover, Eme........and those I forgot to mention. To all those that have made an impact , May God reward you all.
After reading the last story from Renaj. I want to ask , is it bad as a graduate to date or marry someone that has no degree in this era. Am currently dating a guy ,that couldn't finish school due to financial constraints. He will be 30 plus this year but working. His an IT personnel duo he has one certification. I still feel that he needs more to be accomplished.
Babyosisi, I don't know how to send you an e-mail . please help me out. Thanks

positivec:
Good evening to you all. Am so glad to have stumbled on this topic. It has really changed my perception about things. Thanks to our big Aunties, Babyosisi, Moca , Chaircover, Eme........and those I forgot to mention. To all those that have made an impact , May God reward you all.
After reading the last story from Renaj. I want to ask , is it bad as a graduate to date or marry someone that has no degree in this era. Am currently dating a guy ,that couldn't finish school due to financial constraints. He will be 30 plus this year but working. His an IT personnel duo he has one certification. I still feel that he needs more to be accomplished.
Babyosisi, I don't know how to send you an e-mail . please help me out. Thanks

ichidodo:
[b] Cc Babyosisi
Never thought,i would need advice but here we are.....So there is this gal that i like very much.Ok, we're first loves to each other and still crazy about each other though there is still room for improvement (like how to do away with this decade old no sex policy,for starters).Yes, we've been on and off for the past 11 years and i believe we are meant for each other yet i'm scared to death of committing to her(i like my freedom and privacy very much).Lately we have come at a crossroads where i have been given notice to define where this relationship is headed,She's 26, a corper and i'm 28 although i run a professional company that puts food on my table and helps mi with a fairly comfortable lifestyle but I still want the added security of my spouse being a career lady and a contributor (no matter how small) to the family's needs.I just have this nagging suscpicion she's into me for economic reasons and might not be interested in a career especially a money based carreer.Fyi,she's into charity and what not like preaching,evangelization and all......-Yeah, very good but how is that goin to help mi?- Her views and ideas of a money based carreer are pretty primitive to say the least and the last thing i want is a housewife....So i decided to be a man and step up by putting my cards on the table detailing how long it would take mi alone to economically scale her people's traditions as far as traditional marriages in Awka are concerned and given the volatile economic climate and the need to allow enough time to really,really really understand, hopefully bond with this lady if not also seeing if we can help improve her perspectives and become a bit more proactive in a money based career,i have marshalled out a four year marriage plan which she's well aware of and is currently thinking over....the question is am i doing right by her? Or am i a love struck idiott? and if you were in her shoe what would you do or advice?? Or if your son was i, what would you advice?? [/b]

positivec:
Good evening to you all. Am so glad to have stumbled on this topic. It has really changed my perception about things. Thanks to our big Aunties, Babyosisi, Moca , Chaircover, Eme........and those I forgot to mention. To all those that have made an impact , May God reward you all.
After reading the last story from Renaj. I want to ask , is it bad as a graduate to date or marry someone that has no degree in this era. Am currently dating a guy ,that couldn't finish school due to financial constraints. He will be 30 plus this year but working. His an IT personnel duo he has one certification. I still feel that he needs more to be accomplished.
Babyosisi, I don't know how to send you an e-mail . please help me out. Thanks

babyosisi:


First i am humbled that you would ask me this

I would like to understand if your 4 year plan is what you intend should be done before marriage

I say so because in 4 years this girl will be 30
That is getting up in age especially for a girl you have been with on and off 11 years

Personally I believe a woman should work and earn money to contribute to the household.

Since that is what you also believe,discuss this with her and hear what she×> says

4 years is a long time IMHO
If after 4 years and it doesn't work,then what?

Have this discussion now and if after NYSC she is not making attempt to get a job,you move on
Most heads of household can pretty much decide to cut down all that trado stuff.i hope her father can do that.

ichidodo:
Awww, I'm touched... Yes,that is my intention and it isn't an acute sort of plan but a chronic one that entails level by level progression fuelled by successful milestones reached at each phase of the relationship ending at church weddin in the fourth year.Therefore, she might reach the fourth year already traditionaly introduced,wifed and court married.So there is no basis for someone to be left high and dry cuz if it isn't gonna work (maybe she doesn't like my sleepin habits or i find out she's lazy and too laid back hustle-wise) both parties can be aware far before that time elapses perhaps in the months preceeding 1st year or second year? So do we just downgrade this to friendzone? maybe shadow each other awhile and if she or i eventually marries,i or she'd bravely accept our loss but if by four years later we both are still unattached.....If all other conditions career-wise are satisfied then we do the needful?? Can we do that?.. That is my fear,she's got too many baggage and i'm afraid that i might be left to shoulder too much responsibilties...like children of her siblings who are really struggling with life, then that of her immiediate brother (that tradition is very prevalent in her family)..Tis like she's waiting for me, not contributing anything except her body then brood and turn housewife (Godforbid) I' have but she's being negative and very uncooperative infact she's turned to emotional blackmail and hasty conclusions like i'm trynna to break up cuzmaybe i've seen something better( so very untrue cuz i hate cheating).I think a reasonable person should be responsive,unselfish and quick enough to any suggestions that can improve the well being of both partners.. It never has to get 2 years how much less 4 years if things don't work out cuz it is a step by step procedure just like a medical degree, if you fail first year then you don't have get to 7 year to see that it might not be the one for you,hope you understand? Gbam! this was what i was looking for, you're an angel.Thanx and Good morning...

urchbarbie:
Oga, if am dat lady, I won't stay with u. (If am dat lady *keyword) You're just too mechanical. Haba! Its marriage for goodness sakes. I knw its good to lay ur cards all out bfr venturing, but dis, sounds more or less like some biz proposal. I might be wrong sha. (Wetin I sabi