₦airaland Forum

thorpido:
iwatch,you need to let go.
If you love a dog,let it go.if it comes back to you it's yours,if it doesn't,it never was yours.
It might take some time but eventually,you'll be free.Get your mind on other things.There's someone better out there.

Thanks. It's gradual process. But I am getting over it.

urchbarbie:
av been lying low all d while. Nna, pls move on. Stop whining. U would/must find someone better dan dat which u tink u av lost.
The first principle is to move on.
U wont forget her tho, but u av to move on.

Yes, thanks. I am getting over it gradually.

Chinum:
My naughtie curious mind is thinking of a certain moniker.

dearestsewa:
I'm not so sure about that "she can always check on u". What if it makes her unable to settle with the current guy because she thinks she has an option? And you, what if you happily moved on? I believe it's just safe to wish each other the best.

Well, there is always a second chance and sincerely, she used to preach that to me when we discuss certain things that affects us. We had gone far into being friends before all this shiiit started.

babyosisi:
You haven't even introduced the man yet
So you don't know for sure
Let him come and see them informally first,it may go well

Can they make a compromise and you wed in the Catholic Church to satisfy dad,I know people whose fathers were knights and insisted in the same thing till they met the man.Both wedded in the Catholic Church but followed their husband to the Anglican Church
Meeting the man and the way you present him may make a difference in their opinion

tnx so much for dis. Dint think of it

@floodgater:
I got the message. Thanks Sis

iwatch:

Sowi o

Dat particular monikar overwhelmingly annoying.

But who knows, maybe it's a diff persona.

Chinum:
Sowi o

Dat particular monikar overwhelmingly annoying.

But who knows, maybe it's a diff persona.

are you HE or SHE?

chisco82:
I disagree with her opinion.
We need to apply wisdom not being so blunt.

You disagree, then why not give your own opinion or criticise constructively? ?
what do you even call bad advice?? Those words you call bad may be what will help the person wearing the shoe... It's not up to you to decide which is good or bad, the person asking for advice knows just which to choose, one which suits him/her...

Again, you can always drop your opinion on each case sir...

MarvellousGod:
You disagree, then why not give your own opinion or criticise constructively? ?
what do you even call bad advice?? Those words you call bad may be what will help the person wearing the shoe... It's not up to you to decide which is good or bad, the person asking for advice knows just which to choose, one which suits him/her...

Again, you can always drop your opinion on each case sir...

I tire o.

iwatch:
are you HE or SHE?

I am a HESHE

[quote author=gleatz post=32864515][/quote]

MarvellousGod:
You disagree, then why not give your own opinion or criticise constructively? ?
what do you even call bad advice?? Those words you call bad may be what will help the person wearing the shoe... It's not up to you to decide which is good or bad, the person asking for advice knows just which to choose, one which suits him/her...

Again, you can always drop your opinion on each case sir...

Don't take it personal. I get what chisco82 may be trying to say but advice carries an "at owner's risk" tag. This risk is because it's only the foot in the shoe that knows where it pinches. No one online can fully understand all the sides to the relationship problem.

More so, let's not be too quick to offer a 'QUIT' advice. Where physical and emotional abuse is not present,most relationships may just need time for growth and understanding.

dearestsewa:
Don't take it personal. I get what chisco82 may be trying to say but advice carries an "at owner's risk" tag. This risk is because it's only the foot in the shoe that knows where it pinches. No one online can fully understand all the sides to the relationship problem.

More so, let's not be too quick to offer a 'QUIT' advice. Where physical and emotional abuse is not present,most relationships may just need time for growth and understanding.

Ain't we saying same thing? ? Your first paragraph is saying same thing i advocated, which is that only the 'advice seeker' knows where it pinches him/her...

And I never took it personal nne...

Chinum:
I am a HESHE

hermaphrodite

dearestsewa:
Don't take it personal. I get what chisco82 may be trying to say but advice carries an "at owner's risk" tag. This risk is because it's only the foot in the shoe that knows where it pinches. No one online can fully understand all the sides to the relationship problem.

More so, let's not be too quick to offer a 'QUIT' advice. Where physical and emotional abuse is not present,most relationships may just need time for growth and understanding.

quite succinct but I was told to quit a while ago which I have done.

iwatch:
hermaphrodite

Al join.

Chinum:


Al join.

winsh

iwatch:
winsh

No, na wiznsh.

iwatch:
quite succinct but I was told to quit a while ago which I have done.

If u are referring to the 'wish each other the best' I said, let's get it clear that the lady u r pursuing is not available anymore. there's no case of 'QUIT' in that.
But, if it had been that u were both in a relationship and are having usual issues that are not life threatening I would have advised that you give it time.
Pls let's avoid the usual sickening nairaland banters and apply wisdom.

dearestsewa:
If u are referring to the 'wish each other the best' I said, let's get it clear that the lady u r pursuing is not available anymore. there's no case of 'QUIT' in that.
But, if it had been that u were both in a relationship and are having usual issues that are not life threatening I would have advised that you give it time.
Pls let's avoid the usual sickening nairaland banters and apply wisdom.

I was just kidding o. I didn't take it serious please.

Madampinkolo:
Preternatura1,

Your mans behavior has shown he has no handle on his mom. You shouldn't have even been the one to explain much,he should have done that and his mom should have respected his explanation.. Any calls from you should have been to reaffirm what your guy said and reassure her,to tell her very soon you will come etc etc that she will even be the one tired of seeing you.It's good you placate her but at the same time don't go and over do just to please her and your man.At the same time,don't allow yourself to be insulted,you are not married to him yet!!

I wouldn't go to sleep over in any MIL house alone you are NOT married to him neither have your parents given their stamp of approval.Did they accept for you to go and spend time with her? Have they come to see your people?You can visit and go home the same day with your guy simple..all this over exposure is not necessary in my opinion. If you both got on at the first meeting,it would be a different thing as you would even be more willing.She has already been critical and insulting so how does she expect you to be eager to spend time with her.Respect and affection go both ways.

She has been very bold to tell you that she doesn't think you are right for her son,and even gone to the extent of saying you don't value the relationship all because you are too busy to visit at the moment.What will she say when you now truly offend her?
I put it to you that you may likely have it rough with her except you always bend to what she wants.
An excellent relationship takes understanding,communication and respect not force and threats.

While your parents were a bit horrified by his mannerism they didn't throw it in his face neither did they call him to lecture him.
Its all good to make excuses but I am married to someone who last year couldn't stand up to his mother when she was obviously wrong,you are sliding down the same slippery slope and you'd better wake up and sort this out before it snowballs.

You are busy,you have work to do,you will make out time to visit and go same day.She should be telling you she understands,Pele on all the work you are doing,ahh that you should come and spend time so she can pet you and help relieve the stress.That is a welcoming and reasonable MIL.


Its best you face facts and see the reality on ground no excuses.She may change she may not change.Taking the risk is up to you.All the signs are there for you to see,at least in her favour she's not pretending.
Believe me when I say a hostile MIL is enough to call off a relationship EXCEPT when the love is like do or die OR if you have a supportive and strong willed man who will check any excesses..anything less than this and you will be shortchanging yourself


You should never ever accept ultimatums from anyone,it is unnecessary at this stage.The problem doesn't just lie with her,It is your guy that's not alarmed at her hostility and rude words instead he's turning around and getting angry at you despite knowing that your hands are tied.You should let him know that he should be protecting you and politely explaining to her his stand..That he says no to her doesn't mean he doesn't love her.Alarm bells should be ringing in your head when already it's turning into you vs her.It's not necessary at all!! A wise man would see this danger and fix it now now!!

PS..I'm glad you got your house help back..I don't believe in punishing yourself with unnecessary chores when you can afford to pay someone to do it.No point starting what you can't finish.. No point over compromising on ur part and his,frustration may take over.

DO NOT push this under the rug and feel it's a one off,i will keep emphasizing that you STUDY THE FAMILY properly before committing yourself to him.She may be good,she may not be good.She may be traditional,still doesn't mean she has to be rude to make her point.Maybe this is a phase,i dunno.

I say this because if i had handled my SILs and their snide crude comments from the get go,i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have had issues at all.

Don't forget that being respectful and kind is key but don't accept insults!! If you do,it will never end!
GOOD LUCK!!
*Back to the shadows*

Thank you Ms, for you insightful contribution as always.

You know, the talk on compromise and difference in background is kind of making it hard, I was taken aback by her words but I was told she was only upset, yet I know that, even when one is upset, they don't have to be rude.

Anyways, I haven't even told my parents, I just thought it's best I'm sure I really can do it all before letting them know.

I just need to focus on work for now, maybe I'll really have a heart to heart with him on it, when I get back.

Thanks again.

babyosisi:
The thread can be funny
I told the girl the man's mother was unwise in her choice of words and about 9 people disagreed with me ( by thanking someone who said they didn't agree) and here about 9 agree with you for saying the same thing
Lol
You have hit the nail on the head
Gbai
I told her to be prepared for a tough MIL/ DIL relationship ahead
The handwriting is on the wall
A woman insisting on overnight visits and her son hasn't carried even one bottle of mineral to her father's place
I won't advise any woman I know to go his spend a night in any boyfriend's mothers house alone without the man she knows in that house
What for?
Why set yourself up in that manner

Like I told the Igbo wife asking on a thread who to kneel for in her husband's family
I said nne if this kneeling thing will be a problem please stand on your two feet from day one and greet them respectfully so everyone knows that's your style from the get go
No need kneeling and cursing them under your breathe

Honestly if a boyfriends mom told me that I wasn't right for her son because I couldn't come to spend Easter with her,I must really love that madly man and he would have convinced me beyond any reasonable doubts that his mom was in error for me to continue with him.

Hello babyosisi, you know, I didn't even understand most of what she said but the part on not being the one for her son really upset me, that's just insensitive but I'm supposed to believe she just was looking forward to seeing me.

Anyway, I'm just glad to know I haven't messed up so far, especially since I don't really know how this all works, I will do my best to be sure I don't make a mistake.

Floodgater:
Your last lines make me laugh, you still are a work in progress. Amongst other reasons, why i say you stick to your guns of him following you is you might not handle situations well when his mum display some innocent difficult acts as well as to start now in setting boundaries so that him and his mum cant just expect you to do anything she wants. Fixed a date dear, this will grease most of the stiffness you are facing. Trust me, his mum is a good person. Send a PM, if you will.

I'm not sure how the email thing on one's profile works,but I sent you one, I'm yet to get a reply.

netotse:
@preternatura1

let me add my two cents, please bear with me, I can be a bit thick in the head plus I am trying to looking at it from a different direction

You future MIL is asking you to come and spend time with her abi? to me it appears she is trying to get to know you, simple and short.
She wants to have a feel of your type of person outside of the usual situations, I suspect she might also be trying to develop a relationship with you independent of her son's influence. Not a bad thing. Her son loves you for a reason, she might just be looking for her own reason to love you independent of the reason(s) he's given her. You not going and forming I'm busy is a slight simple and short, depending on how you frame it, what she might be hearing is "I don't want to spend time with you" hence her telling you, you might not be the right one for my son. Face it, his mom is a gate/bridge you have to cross before you marry the fellow, you can use agidi to cross or you can use one of them many skills we men are forever being told you women have . Also, if someone slights you and keeps calling to say hi(not sorry o...hi) will you let it go that easy?

There's a post somewhere where the OP or someone said women should stop asking men to choose between them and his mother, it's a silly and unfair choice. Don't go down that road. She probably feels a bit intimidated by you, keep that in mind and go easy on her. All she wants is to know who is going to look after her son or did he tell you she has a preferred candidate somewhere else?

If your main fears are the language and chores bit, nobody's perfect plus her son has already decided so how much more of a difference will it make? have you considered the possibility that you and she just might hit it off despite the difference between you two? granted there are stories of bad MIL-DIL relationships but don't let that deter you from trying to make yours different, dont make her an enemy before the marriage. I think you should schedule a period (doesn't have to be as long as she would like it to be), use small words, try and understand the way she thinks, and let her teach you to cook something...lol. you'll survive it...trust me.

Your story is similar to my parents, my dad's mum was not educated(married young and lived in village all her life), my mum is very bookish and they are even from diff parts of the country so there was no common language. You don't have to be as thick as thieves with her, she just has to know that you can and will look after her son QED.

Hi, don't you think it's offensive to conclude I'm forming being busy to slight his mum, even when I have made it clear that I really am busy? Why would I want to insult her to start with? I apologized for not being able to make it at a time she wanted, why do I need to keep calling her to say sorry? I felt she understood the situation and calling her to say hi, is just me trying to extend a hand of fellowship.

I honestly don't understand what you are about, why would I ask him to choose between his mum and i? I wouldn't do that.

I will try to sort it out when I get back from my trip.

breadplanets:
@Preternatura1 if i may chip in a little, i just dont understand why your mother in law wants you to come spend time with her for the very first time alone as in its the first time you would be seeing her right? When i wanted to go spend time with my fiance's mother for the first time i wanted to go on a thursday but my fiance refused and said i should come on a friday cos he didnt want me to be alone with her so soon after i came. Note his mother is not a difficult person at all so it wasnt like he was trying to protect me or anything just that he felt that he should be there that first time. So he spent saturday and sunday with us before going to work on monday so i just dont understand why your man would even consider your going alone for the very first time. Anyway stick to your guns of going with him the first time. These our mothers should take it easy on their prospective daugthers in law kwanu. It doesnt have to be so difficult. Or maybe its a tradition in their place? Like the babe that said her own wanted to bath with her? Hahaha the things i hear these days.....

Hello dear, thank you for your input

No, it's not the first time I will be seeing her but the first time I'm supposed to pass the night at her place.

Honestly? I just think he wants to make his ma happy, that's why he suggested I go as requested by her.

I don't know if it's a tradition, he didn't say.

dearestsewa:
I see. Don't feel so bad. You didn't feel anything at that time and, if not that she's now with someone else you'll probably still not see her worth.

I had a similar experience. I liked him, I considered him as the best of my best friends but I never felt the 'me and you' part even though I knew how he felt. Later, he found someone else but I realized that he now despised me in a way and cut me off completely. But, I don't regret it anymore. I still found someone who dots over me.

Answer this question: Did he ever open up to you? He did and you turned him down right?

iwatch:
I can be friends with her, honestly. I guess I have been over reacting that's why but I have forced myself to gradually get it off my mind and its working so far. She really advised I do so.

I need the women here to help me get rid of something and which is what led me to miss this angel-- my reaction to a girl's attitude is intolerable. I have short tolerance for their demeanor and I think it will cost me a lot if not handled properly.

I can't seem to tolerate a girl's attitude in any form, as in what they do when a guy approaches them or trying to get close to them.

Case in point, I met a girl at a wedding sometime in March and she was the chief's bridemaid. Next day I got her number and we got talking. Mostly via whatsapp and I was being irritated by her monosyllabic replies and I politely asked her why she is fond of doing such or am I bugging her and the next thing I got was insult. Though I had the mind of starting something with her but at that point in time, I lost complete interest, irrespective of her curves and beauty. she even went as far as blocking my numbers.

That's one.

Sometime last year, I and a girl made arrangement to meet. I asked her what time should I be around, she gave me time. I said okay. I was 30 minutes late on D-day and when I got to her area, I called her. Next thing I heard was that she hasn't had her bath and therefore she can't come out. She further requested that I should wait for her at a nearby eatery. To be candid, that was the last she ever heard from me.

I experience things like this and it turns me off. I consider such an insult on my person.

I was talking with a big bro and he said I have ego issues and I am intolerant. He said if I want a girl, I should learn to be patient and tolerant but what I dont understand is whether a man has to take some jab of insults just because he wants a girl. He even went as far as saying have I ever seen where a man had been slapped just because he wants a girl? The moment he said that I flared up and told him I won't tolerate such. But he insisted that it's just women's thing and how they behave.

I need advice from the women on here mostly. Am I doing wrong to often give up on the basis of a girl's attitude? I need help

Apart from following big bro's advice maybe u shd try not to limit ur search to the bolded.

Chinum:
Apart from following big bro's advice maybe u shd try not to limit ur search to the bolded.

sorry.... Do u mean all beautiful ladies are mannerless?

iwatch:
Answer this question: Did he ever open up to you? He did and you turned him down right?

Yes, he did. We discussed it. But, we were both in new relationships. He wanted us to leave our relationship but I thought it is wickedness to snatch another person's partner to gratify our own lust. I believe I'm right but he despised me for rejecting him again.
Yet, I still considered him a great friend.

dearestsewa:
Yes, he did. We discussed it. But, we were both in new relationships. He wanted us to leave our relationship but I thought it is wickedness to snatch another person's partner to gratify our own lust. I believe I'm right but he despised me for rejecting him again.
Yet, I still considered him a great friend.

The emboldened shows you turned him down twice right and the one described here was the second time? are you currently with that same person whom you refused to leave him for?

I ask because i can understand why he will behave that way, especially when his intentions towards you are genuine and you make it seem like he is not your type or not good enough for you or may be he felt he could have treated you better than the guy you were with at that time but you didnt give him a chance. I noticed that ladies in this situations rarely give the guys chance because they were already friends, but do you realize that in the course of being your friend, he seem to have discovered likable characteristics in you such that he believe you guys would be happy together?

It has happened to me before that's why I ask that question. I am sure you are no longer with the guy you were dating when he told you about his feelings for you. Truth is, that guy really loved you!