Preternatura1:
I'm not sure how the email thing on one's profile works,but I sent you one, I'm yet to get a reply.

GoldenDr:
Ekolina how far?

Preternatura1:
Hi, don't you think it's offensive to conclude I'm forming being busy to slight his mum, even when I have made it clear that I really am busy? Why would I want to insult her to start with? I apologized for not being able to make it at a time she wanted, why do I need to keep calling her to say sorry? I felt she understood the situation and calling her to say hi, is just me trying to extend a hand of fellowship.

Preternatura1:

I honestly don't understand what you are about, why would I ask him to choose between his mum and i? I wouldn't do that.

I will try to sort it out when I get back from my trip.

babyosisi:


This woman is not her MIL
They are not married yet in fact he hasn't even gone with wine to her people
So don't put her at that level yet
If her explanations that she couldn't honor her invitation due to prior engagement is what you call being slighted so be it
Must all her invitations be honored?
When an mil to be begins to set ultimatums and make determinations on who is right for her son and who isn't based on frivolous selfish things ,the son needs to redirect her and stand up for the woman he is courting and the woman has to know without a shadow of a doubt that he is on her side.
How can this MIL to be label her not fit for his son,no be the son find am?
Who is she to make that determination?
At this stage,if she cannot get that assurance that this man is on her side 100%,she needs to walk
It's not worth the headache
Let his mother go find him a wife of her choice that will do her bidding

Madampinkolo:
Preternatura1,

Your mans behavior has shown he has no handle on his mom. You shouldn't have even been the one to explain much,he should have done that and his mom should have respected his explanation.. Any calls from you should have been to reaffirm what your guy said and reassure her,to tell her very soon you will come etc etc that she will even be the one tired of seeing you.It's good you placate her but at the same time don't go and over do just to please her and your man.At the same time,don't allow yourself to be insulted,you are not married to him yet!!

I wouldn't go to sleep over in any MIL house alone you are NOT married to him neither have your parents given their stamp of approval.Did they accept for you to go and spend time with her? Have they come to see your people?You can visit and go home the same day with your guy simple..all this over exposure is not necessary in my opinion. If you both got on at the first meeting,it would be a different thing as you would even be more willing.She has already been critical and insulting so how does she expect you to be eager to spend time with her.Respect and affection go both ways.

She has been very bold to tell you that she doesn't think you are right for her son,and even gone to the extent of saying you don't value the relationship all because you are too busy to visit at the moment.What will she say when you now truly offend her?
I put it to you that you may likely have it rough with her except you always bend to what she wants.
An excellent relationship takes understanding,communication and respect not force and threats.

While your parents were a bit horrified by his mannerism they didn't throw it in his face neither did they call him to lecture him.
Its all good to make excuses but I am married to someone who last year couldn't stand up to his mother when she was obviously wrong,you are sliding down the same slippery slope and you'd better wake up and sort this out before it snowballs.

You are busy,you have work to do,you will make out time to visit and go same day.She should be telling you she understands,Pele on all the work you are doing,ahh that you should come and spend time so she can pet you and help relieve the stress.That is a welcoming and reasonable MIL.


Its best you face facts and see the reality on ground no excuses.She may change she may not change.Taking the risk is up to you.All the signs are there for you to see,at least in her favour she's not pretending.
Believe me when I say a hostile MIL is enough to call off a relationship EXCEPT when the love is like do or die OR if you have a supportive and strong willed man who will check any excesses..anything less than this and you will be shortchanging yourself


You should never ever accept ultimatums from anyone,it is unnecessary at this stage.The problem doesn't just lie with her,It is your guy that's not alarmed at her hostility and rude words instead he's turning around and getting angry at you despite knowing that your hands are tied.You should let him know that he should be protecting you and politely explaining to her his stand..That he says no to her doesn't mean he doesn't love her.Alarm bells should be ringing in your head when already it's turning into you vs her.It's not necessary at all!! A wise man would see this danger and fix it now now!!

PS..I'm glad you got your house help back..I don't believe in punishing yourself with unnecessary chores when you can afford to pay someone to do it.No point starting what you can't finish.. No point over compromising on ur part and his,frustration may take over.

DO NOT push this under the rug and feel it's a one off,i will keep emphasizing that you STUDY THE FAMILY properly before committing yourself to him.She may be good,she may not be good.She may be traditional,still doesn't mean she has to be rude to make her point.Maybe this is a phase,i dunno.

I say this because if i had handled my SILs and their snide crude comments from the get go,i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have had issues at all.

Don't forget that being respectful and kind is key but don't accept insults!! If you do,it will never end!
GOOD LUCK!!
*Back to the shadows*

Floodgater:
Are you sure you have settled it in your heart that you are proud and impatient? Because it is the first step to your to your help. It is a common thing with young boys & girls to be impatient because the remindal buzz for aging is not yet active. I cant authoritatively conclude the two girls in your stances are bad though the first one seems it. Girls naturally usually play hard to get so as not to appear cheap, furthermore society encourages it and afterall you guys dont treasure the ones you didnt sweated for. It is possible the second girl was pulling your legs or was revenging for coming late on a first date (childish but the two of you would have learnt something since then). Also, the first gal could have had the qualities you need in a wife but is lacking in manners due to age or whatever as no body is perfect and you could have managed it or help her become better but you didnt wait to be sure they where not it. You see, it all makes two of you one. Is it not possible they thought you also miss out on something good like you thought about them? You say you are a nice guy but the aura you left with them was ego and impatience like the mannerlessness you took without what ever good they may have. Are you still thinking they will regret impatience and ego or learn a lesson? You know along the line you could have sounded proud without knowing and irritated them too. When you meet an offending one, give benefit of doubts for 3 or 4 more chances for certainty before conclusion. As have been advice before, when you know what you want then you will know the type of girls to approach. Finally give girls matter break before you rebound, you have not recovered yet and it is obvious.

Madampinkolo:


It's a mattarof caashhh

Gurrevening ma..Make i disappia

MarvellousGod:
You disagree, then why not give your own opinion or criticise constructively? ?
what do you even call bad advice?? Those words you call bad [b]may be [/b]what will help the person wearing the shoe... It's not up to you to decide which is good or bad, the person asking for advice knows just which to choose, one which suits him/her...

Again, you can always drop your opinion on each case sir...

Floodgater:
I think i did instead. I didnt see your email.

iwatch:
sorry.... Do u mean all beautiful ladies are mannerless?

netotse:

I did not say you need to keep calling her to say sorry, my point was if she feels you are posting her, your calling to say hi (or extending a hand of fellowship) will be like someone offending you and refusing to make amends, the hi's won't matter to her as long as she is still holding out for the visit. Like marvellousGod said, if the reason you can't visit is only due to work then you can try and give a period that will work, just saying you can't come is like telling that person you don't want to see hey, I'll definitely call you when next I come to lagos (which usually is never at least in my case ). If work is not the reason then you need to find a way to pass that across.

Think of it as an interview, she's definitely trying to size you up. You could ask your guy to be there the first night or so...but I'm a guy and I'll tell you for free, if you are able to win his mom despite the difference, you've won his respect in a hard to define way.


It's my bad if you feel I was accusing you of such. I was merely anticipating the people that would come and tell you "if he cannot support you on this, he wont support you when you guys get married". What else has she said besides you not taking her and the relationship serious? I don't see those two as her insulting you, I agree she is being stubborn and a teeenie bit insensitive though.

Let me try one more time:
She doesn't want her son to be there when she sees you so she can form her own opinion, she thinks you are dodging her so she has called you out plain and simple! I said it earlier, she wants to know if this lady her son wants to marry is fit-for-use , I don't think she has crossed any line yet. I get the impression you can look after yourself if she does cross any line so I'm left thinking your main worry is that you might not fit in.

As per the difference in social status, you need to face it, you and she grew up in different times, different societies and will see things differently, you both will need to find the middle ground. Much the same way you expect her to understand you're busy, she expects you to understand her point as well, her way of passing it across might not be polished but that shouldn't make it any less valid.

Her son believes you'll make a good impression on her hence him wanting you to go(or do you think he wont tell you the truth?), it would make him happy if you do, if you guys(you and his mum) don't get along, he would know you put in the effort and if there was ever a time when he had to pick, him knowing you'd be willing to do what it takes would be in your favour. Fact is, now is the only time his mom can form stubborn, when you two get married, he will still be her son, yes but also your husband.

In the end, if she sticks to her guns wrt the visit, you'll need to determine if the juice is worth the squeeze and then the barriers to entry will be higher.

Chinum:


U might as well say, all ugly girls are well groomed.

gleatz:
@floodgater:

iwatch:
who bad don bad... It has nothing to do with looks. I have experienced both

iwatch:
I need to work on it. But does it mean if a girl slap me, I should smile and say slap me again?

This problem intolerance started as a result of the nasty experience I had. cos I took so much shiiit from it such that when my friends heard it, they called me a mumu, maga etc. It even got to a point that even in the ones that I date, if they make any silly mistake, I tell them to get out of my life.

But after my encounter with this other girl, I swear, a lot has changed and I am even more worried now.

Floodgater:
When you know what you want in a woman and are ready to settle down, you will know where to look for a woman whose beauty will not blind you from seeing what you are looking for. Work on yourself first.

Floodgater:
Preternatura 1, you can delete your mail, i have seen it.

iwatch:
okay

Floodgater:
You dont let people change who you are or you will miss your identity and blessings. One person's offence shouldnt cause you not to give the next person a chance. Imagine you are not given a chance because the person before you abused one for surely you have/will knowingly or unknowingly offend someone. Friends are men's greatest influence, allow only good ones or better still do the influencing by remaining good. I tell you with confidence, if you continue being your nice self even when some wont appreciate it, you will always drink from the cup of niceness when most needed. Take your time, express whatever emotional burden there be, evaluate and learn from your experiences. When you are ready to date again, aside the beauty look for the presence of those characters you cherish most before you take it beyound friendship or invest yourself and emotions, it will spare you alot of stupidity and heartache....You are welcome.

MarvellousGod:
You disagree, then why not give your own opinion or criticise constructively? ?
what do you even call bad advice?? Those words you call bad may be what will help the person wearing the shoe... It's not up to you to decide which is good or bad, the person asking for advice knows just which to choose, one which suits him/her...

Again, you can always drop your opinion on each case sir...

netotse:


I think you're a bit too hasty in condemning the mum, from all the info we have, she doesn't come across as a bad person, difficult maybe, bad no.
You're right in saying that people getting married should study their intended's families, it's a two way thing though. I think a lot of the issues people have with their parents not approving of their choices stem from the way we tend to hide our relationships from our parents. If your parents have known the person and come to form their own opinion of him/her then they would be less likely to say don't marry so and so because he is igbo/yoruba/hausa.

She and the guys mum have met only twice, definitely not enough time for the mum to form an opinion, we need to help figure out ways to resolve this issue even if it doesn't entail a visit. Painting the guys mum black wont help.

Madampinkolo:


Errr Oga,
She painted herself black without my help.Her behavior is not good.If it's your daughter that her bf mother is talking to anyhow,wouldn't you already be telling her there are many fishes in the ocean??
I'm working with facts on ground(typed) cos tomorrow if she eventually marries the man and comes to complain you will ask her if she didn't see the signs.Meanwhile meeting twice is enough for me to know whether i like someone or not.I hope you understand that forming an opinion goes both ways..what opinion do you think OP has now?

The mistake we make is in assuming something is not what it is..Someone has blatantly told you she doesn't think you are right for her son, has been met with disapproval the first time for not being able to cook some soup.Now add her utterances to this and it's a recipe for future wahala because more often than not,if they marry and she does anything wrong,she will keep saying her spirit warned her she wasn't right for her son.
Yes,there are few instances when a woman changes from a difficult person to angel but how many are there? That road is fraught with pain,quarells,blow outs before sanity can be restored.Why bother?Please take time and read up her former posts on the same man..thinking level is different,backgrounds far apart,he's not even up to a standard that's 'acceptable' in her neck of the woods and yet he hasn't received one insult to his face from her family..Ask yourself why?Because she is acting as a shield for him. Why then can he not afford her the same courtesy and make sure his mom controls herself?If someone especially inlaw is not nice to you from day one,chances are it will be tough.

Unfortunately in Naija, a man's family is perceived to hold power over would be helpless brides,forcing people to chop shait in the name of inlawdom. A lady is someones child and should be treated with respect not like someone that they're doing a favour..marriage is not a favour especially for a woman.I do not see why a mother especially would be so rude over something so trivial.

You don't bond with someone by being unnecessarily critical and threatening..If i meet you once you are blatantly disapproving, i'd avoid spending time with you.If sincerely she is all sunshine,her manner of approach would be conciliatory,understanding.When someone is open and accepting of you or at least open to the idea of you,the person would give off an accommodating aura..The OP has been taken aback by the things she's been told because her future MIL is 'upset'.She never said she wouldn't visit,she just said she can't visit now.How hard is that to understand?It's not like she's never met her before,they have explained to her and yet she's still saying all sorts.It is even more worrying that she can be so rude to someone she hardly knows.Probably feels she can say anything because it is her sons intended.If it's her daughter that brought a guy to her,i bet you her tone of voice would be different.

A nice person is a nice person no two ways about it.A difficult person is just that.. difficult. A rude person is rude.She needs to face facts as it is,study them properly and decide if this is a mix she really wants to get into.The fact that her bf hasn't shielded her from all this is very telling.He will most likely not stick up for her after marriage..please ask people who have encountered the same and they will give you this sort of history.

I believe in sorting out potential issues before marriage,or at least seeing a problem for what it is and deciding to go ahead with the marriage fully informed instead of having a head in the clouds and start complaining later.

Can this be resolved? MAYBE but it's not her place to sort it out..her bf should be handling his mother. Infact,once he explained to her that she had work,she should have backed off or at least nicely bugged her about when next she's coming to see her..Something like ah ahhh Prenatura you are dodging me?? ahh you can't run oooo..Come and spend time with me naww,i'll teach you how to cook those dishes etc..Please,tell me if someone with this sort of stance would not definitely endear her future DIL to herself?

Love and respect go both ways abeg.The days of talking anyhow and getting away with anything in the name of inlaw (patience ozokwor style)are over.There must be boundaries and those boundaries must be put in place now.


Honestly,if you and MIL don't gel naturally review your other options cos it's not worth it..The resentment that may build up when husband wont stick up for you,the anger etc..not worth it. There are places you go to and if you see the MIL and DIL you'll be so jealous.Most times,the love started from day one.The ones that become lovey after issues still have some element of caution between both parties.

My advice to any woman,do NOT underestimate the family..Look well well.Any sign of hostility,RUN.Only stay if your man is a solid rock who has your back,who is not afraid to stand up and say no this is not right..A man that knows how to strike a balance.. If you accept less, hell fire awaits you oo..
Okayy not hellfire but just trouble

Preternatura1, Be wise as a serpent and as gentle as a dove.I was a dove before,i'm now a cunning fox who has overcome by strategically resetting my DH brain.Use every visiting opportunity to scope the family properly,learn as much as you can about them before deciding.If you are spending time with her,let bf be around..don't be scared to ask questions,this will give you a clue as to her personality minus the one you've already tasted.Listen carefully to what your bf tells you,what he says.If you feel he's not protecting you,speak up now and have a frank discussion.After marriage,things hardly change that much,so what you are seeing will most likely be what you will get.

I'm not a soothsayer,things may eventually smoothen out but just don't be blinded..that's the reason for my epistle.

GOODLUCK.

Preternatura1:
Okay.

heavyg:
I asked a family friend to help me purchase the yams Which make up the dowry I will be presenting to my wife's people.
I later found out that the yams are normal sized and sinewy. Does this matter? As in does the size matter?
Though the number of yams they asked for is twice the normal amount because of their culture...

MojAyo:
tanx for understanding what I really meant,I hate broken marriages or single parenting,my mum is divorced and a single mother,the thing dat I hate about dis is the fact dat,she can't talk to my younger brothers,they will never listen to her,there is always confusion in d house,no understanding,okay,lemme make an example,my younger brother was going to a birthday bash,my mum suppose to tell him nt to go,bt she just kept mute to avoid disgrace by him at d midst of his friends,on his way coming back home frm the birthday bash,some thugs came up to him,with him being drunk and rude,they beat d daylight out of him and use broken bottle to stab him 3 places at d back,he was all covered in blood,imagine us all about to sleep at the dead of the night,some women came rushing banging our gates dat my brother ve been stabbed,if u see,my mother almost got hypertension dat day crying,on reaching there,she start lamenting ,to cut the whole story short,she spent a good amount of money at d hospital with her nt having the chance to go to her shop,as yoruba always say,enii bimo oran ni o pon,like if my father is still with my mother,he will ve a iron hand to train those boys which they will never go d wrong path,our last born-she is vry rude,she dnt knw how to talk to elders,bt when I tell mymum about dis ehn,she will insult me and ever her daughter also joining in to insult me,which she will never tell her to stop,which if I beat her,it will cause trouble for me infront of her(mum),so on my two younger brothers,they behave the way they like becos mum never ve d action to tell them she dnt want dis in her house,the one dat got stabbed love partying,the other one,my immediate is vry rude and proud,talks to me anyhow,irrespective dat I'm d elder,and even d so called manfriend of my mum( a married man which d wife never knw her husband is sleeping with another woman outside there)will come to our house to sleep with my mum which d guy is nt even okay than my mum,and I'm suspecting mummy giving him money,so with all dis ,I see single parenting as rubbish,I prayed never to be in one,I want a father dat will join in with me to train d children in a good way,so society won't abuse us tomorrow,u see my dear,the pain of being d first born,and what I seen,go through while I was young,was it my father beating my mum,or the fact dat,my father will be insulting my mum,then she will reply back,and it leads to him beating her,sometimes my dad will kept silent and my mum will be insulting him,being vry aggressive which will later leads to beating,I dnt pray to ve my mothers character,becos of all the wahala ,my father went to marry another woman ,she ve kids for him,and its dis vry woman daat throw my mum and d kids outside d house,my dad and mum were married before I left home for south africa,bt me being there for three years,I heard they were no more living together(divorced)and then I came to visit frm south and came into my mum house,then I noticed all my younger siblings to be vry rude and saucy,which they dnt ve respect for each other,though I love my mum,bt I dnt pray to ever be a single mama,becos the pain and the calamity there,it just takes the grace of God to help someone out,so I never want my life to also be ruled out like dis,even if its for me to behave myself with my husband for the future of my kids,I won't mind,and as u can see,though we fight,and he physically abuse me,we still love each other,seriously,me and him can't help it being away frm each other,if its me nagging him dat makes him beat me,I'm gonna stop dat