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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives (269311 Views)
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Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by MrsAnyanwu(f): 3:26pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
It is well with y'all on this thread, receive peace everyone |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 4:27pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
Preternatura1:I think i did instead. I didnt see your email. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by ekolina(m): 4:42pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
GoldenDr:. GoldenDr I am fine, hope you are good |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by netotse(m): 4:53pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
Preternatura1:I did not say you need to keep calling her to say sorry, my point was if she feels you are posting her, your calling to say hi (or extending a hand of fellowship) will be like someone offending you and refusing to make amends, the hi's won't matter to her as long as she is still holding out for the visit. Like marvellousGod said, if the reason you can't visit is only due to work then you can try and give a period that will work, just saying you can't come is like telling that person you don't want to see hey, I'll definitely call you when next I come to lagos (which usually is never at least in my case ). If work is not the reason then you need to find a way to pass that across. Think of it as an interview, she's definitely trying to size you up. You could ask your guy to be there the first night or so...but I'm a guy and I'll tell you for free, if you are able to win his mom despite the difference, you've won his respect in a hard to define way. Preternatura1:It's my bad if you feel I was accusing you of such. I was merely anticipating the people that would come and tell you "if he cannot support you on this, he wont support you when you guys get married". What else has she said besides you not taking her and the relationship serious? I don't see those two as her insulting you, I agree she is being stubborn and a teeenie bit insensitive though. Let me try one more time: She doesn't want her son to be there when she sees you so she can form her own opinion, she thinks you are dodging her so she has called you out plain and simple! I said it earlier, she wants to know if this lady her son wants to marry is fit-for-use , I don't think she has crossed any line yet. I get the impression you can look after yourself if she does cross any line so I'm left thinking your main worry is that you might not fit in. As per the difference in social status, you need to face it, you and she grew up in different times, different societies and will see things differently, you both will need to find the middle ground. Much the same way you expect her to understand you're busy, she expects you to understand her point as well, her way of passing it across might not be polished but that shouldn't make it any less valid. Her son believes you'll make a good impression on her hence him wanting you to go(or do you think he wont tell you the truth?), it would make him happy if you do, if you guys(you and his mum) don't get along, he would know you put in the effort and if there was ever a time when he had to pick, him knowing you'd be willing to do what it takes would be in your favour. Fact is, now is the only time his mom can form stubborn, when you two get married, he will still be her son, yes but also your husband. In the end, if she sticks to her guns wrt the visit, you'll need to determine if the juice is worth the squeeze and then the barriers to entry will be higher. 3 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by netotse(m): 5:02pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
babyosisi: You seem to have taken an antagonistic stance on this issue (I could be wrong) it's not a preternatura1 vs guy's mum case yet. I agree with you that since he hasn't brought wine to her people her rights are limited, She hasn't given an ultimatum or determined anything yet according to what we know, she has given an opinion based on her feelings and we all know she's feeling scorned so it's an emotional opinion, (women and emotions, not a good combo ) From what we know, the guy gets preternatura1's point but still you know if she is able to resolve this his love/respect for her will increase. Her and the mum are not on opposing sides. 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by netotse(m): 5:12pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
Madampinkolo: I think you're a bit too hasty in condemning the mum, from all the info we have, she doesn't come across as a bad person, difficult maybe, bad no. You're right in saying that people getting married should study their intended's families, it's a two way thing though. I think a lot of the issues people have with their parents not approving of their choices stem from the way we tend to hide our relationships from our parents. If your parents have known the person and come to form their own opinion of him/her then they would be less likely to say don't marry so and so because he is igbo/yoruba/hausa. She and the guys mum have met only twice, definitely not enough time for the mum to form an opinion, we need to help figure out ways to resolve this issue even if it doesn't entail a visit. Painting the guys mum black wont help. 3 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 5:34pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
[quote author=iwatch post=32845969][/quote] Are you sure you have settled it in your heart that you are proud and impatient? Because it is the first step to your to your help. It is a common thing with young boys & girls to be impatient because the remindal buzz for aging is not yet active. I cant authoritatively conclude the two girls in your stances are bad though the first one seems it. Girls naturally usually play hard to get so as not to appear cheap, furthermore society encourages it and afterall you guys dont treasure the ones you didnt sweated for. It is possible the second girl was pulling your legs or was revenging for coming late on a first date (childish but the two of you would have learnt something since then). Also, the first gal could have had the qualities you need in a wife but is lacking in manners due to age or whatever as no body is perfect and you could have managed it or help her become better but you didnt wait to be sure they where not it. You see, it all makes two of you one. Is it not possible they thought you also miss out on something good like you thought about them? You say you are a nice guy but the aura you left with them was ego and impatience like the mannerlessness you took without what ever good they may have. Are you still thinking they will regret impatience and ego or learn a lesson? You know along the line you could have sounded proud without knowing and irritated them too. When you meet an offending one, give benefit of doubts for 3 or 4 more chances for certainty before conclusion. As have been advice before, when you know what you want then you will know the type of girls to approach. Finally give girls matter break before you rebound, you have not recovered yet and it is obvious. 3 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by iwatch: 6:25pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
Floodgater:I need to work on it. But does it mean if a girl slap me, I should smile and say slap me again? This problem intolerance started as a result of the nasty experience I had. cos I took so much shiiit from it such that when my friends heard it, they called me a mumu, maga etc. It even got to a point that even in the ones that I date, if they make any silly mistake, I tell them to get out of my life. But after my encounter with this other girl, I swear, a lot has changed and I am even more worried now. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by bukatyne(f): 6:35pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
Madampinkolo: Lol! |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 6:41pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
MarvellousGod:Check the bolded, maybe you are not even sure. Well thank you for correcting me. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Preternatura1(f): 7:27pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
Floodgater:Alright, to avoid any errors, you can email. I really look forward to reading from you. Thanks a whole lot. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Chinum: 7:35pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
iwatch: U might as well say, all ugly girls are well groomed. 1 Like |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Preternatura1(f): 7:36pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
netotse:Okay. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by iwatch: 7:36pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
Chinum:who bad don bad... It has nothing to do with looks. I have experienced both |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 7:44pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
Preternatura 1, you can delete your mail, i have seen it. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 7:47pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
gleatz:Look again. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Chinum: 7:51pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
iwatch: Good to know that. I'm sure you understood d message I was trying to pass across. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 7:59pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
iwatch:When you know what you want in a woman and are ready to settle down, you will know where to look for a woman whose beauty will not blind you from seeing what you are looking for. Work on yourself first. 5 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by iwatch: 8:08pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
Floodgater:okay |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Preternatura1(f): 9:30pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
Floodgater:Okay. 1 Like |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 9:38pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
iwatch:You dont let people change who you are or you will miss your identity and blessings. One person's offence shouldnt cause you not to give the next person a chance. Imagine you are not given a chance because the person before you abused one for surely you have/will knowingly or unknowingly offend someone. Friends are men's greatest influence, allow only good ones or better still do the influencing by remaining good. I tell you with confidence, if you continue being your nice self even when some wont appreciate it, you will always drink from the cup of niceness when most needed. Take your time, express whatever emotional burden there be, evaluate and learn from your experiences. When you are ready to date again, aside the beauty look for the presence of those characters you cherish most before you take it beyound friendship or invest yourself and emotions, it will spare you alot of stupidity and heartache....You are welcome. 6 Likes |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by iwatch: 11:00pm On Apr 19, 2015 |
Floodgater:Thanks so much. God bless you. You made me 1 Like |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 10:33am On Apr 20, 2015 |
MarvellousGod:It "maybe" right? Depending on the individual. She never knew the person. I don't give give marital advice online like this except where physical abuse is involve, where seperation "not divorce" is needed for the mean time.. The situation may just need time to succeed. Cc: Babyosisi Sorry ma if i have offended you. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 11:08am On Apr 20, 2015 |
netotse: Errr Oga, She painted herself black without my help.Her behavior is not good.If it's your daughter that her bf mother is talking to anyhow,wouldn't you already be telling her there are many fishes in the ocean?? I'm working with facts on ground(typed) cos tomorrow if she eventually marries the man and comes to complain you will ask her if she didn't see the signs.Meanwhile meeting twice is enough for me to know whether i like someone or not.I hope you understand that forming an opinion goes both ways..what opinion do you think OP has now? The mistake we make is in assuming something is not what it is..Someone has blatantly told you she doesn't think you are right for her son, has been met with disapproval the first time for not being able to cook some soup.Now add her utterances to this and it's a recipe for future wahala because more often than not,if they marry and she does anything wrong,she will keep saying her spirit warned her she wasn't right for her son. Yes,there are few instances when a woman changes from a difficult person to angel but how many are there? That road is fraught with pain,quarells,blow outs before sanity can be restored.Why bother?Please take time and read up her former posts on the same man..thinking level is different,backgrounds far apart,he's not even up to a standard that's 'acceptable' in her neck of the woods and yet he hasn't received one insult to his face from her family..Ask yourself why?Because she is acting as a shield for him. Why then can he not afford her the same courtesy and make sure his mom controls herself?If someone especially inlaw is not nice to you from day one,chances are it will be tough. Unfortunately in Naija, a man's family is perceived to hold power over would be helpless brides,forcing people to chop shait in the name of inlawdom. A lady is someones child and should be treated with respect not like someone that they're doing a favour..marriage is not a favour especially for a woman.I do not see why a mother especially would be so rude over something so trivial. You don't bond with someone by being unnecessarily critical and threatening..If i meet you once you are blatantly disapproving, i'd avoid spending time with you.If sincerely she is all sunshine,her manner of approach would be conciliatory,understanding.When someone is open and accepting of you or at least open to the idea of you,the person would give off an accommodating aura..The OP has been taken aback by the things she's been told because her future MIL is 'upset'.She never said she wouldn't visit,she just said she can't visit now.How hard is that to understand?It's not like she's never met her before,they have explained to her and yet she's still saying all sorts.It is even more worrying that she can be so rude to someone she hardly knows.Probably feels she can say anything because it is her sons intended.If it's her daughter that brought a guy to her,i bet you her tone of voice would be different. A nice person is a nice person no two ways about it.A difficult person is just that.. difficult. A rude person is rude.She needs to face facts as it is,study them properly and decide if this is a mix she really wants to get into.The fact that her bf hasn't shielded her from all this is very telling.He will most likely not stick up for her after marriage..please ask people who have encountered the same and they will give you this sort of history. I believe in sorting out potential issues before marriage,or at least seeing a problem for what it is and deciding to go ahead with the marriage fully informed instead of having a head in the clouds and start complaining later. Can this be resolved? MAYBE but it's not her place to sort it out..her bf should be handling his mother. Infact,once he explained to her that she had work,she should have backed off or at least nicely bugged her about when next she's coming to see her..Something like ah ahhh Prenatura you are dodging me?? ahh you can't run oooo..Come and spend time with me naww,i'll teach you how to cook those dishes etc..Please,tell me if someone with this sort of stance would not definitely endear her future DIL to herself? Love and respect go both ways abeg.The days of talking anyhow and getting away with anything in the name of inlaw (patience ozokwor style)are over.There must be boundaries and those boundaries must be put in place now. Honestly,if you and MIL don't gel naturally review your other options cos it's not worth it..The resentment that may build up when husband wont stick up for you,the anger etc..not worth it. There are places you go to and if you see the MIL and DIL you'll be so jealous.Most times,the love started from day one.The ones that become lovey after issues still have some element of caution between both parties. My advice to any woman,do NOT underestimate the family..Look well well.Any sign of hostility,RUN.Only stay if your man is a solid rock who has your back,who is not afraid to stand up and say no this is not right..A man that knows how to strike a balance.. If you accept less, hell fire awaits you oo.. Okayy not hellfire but just trouble Preternatura1, Be wise as a serpent and as gentle as a dove.I was a dove before,i'm now a cunning fox who has overcome by strategically resetting my DH brain.Use every visiting opportunity to scope the family properly,learn as much as you can about them before deciding.If you are spending time with her,let bf be around..don't be scared to ask questions,this will give you a clue as to her personality minus the one you've already tasted.Listen carefully to what your bf tells you,what he says.If you feel he's not protecting you,speak up now and have a frank discussion.After marriage,things hardly change that much,so what you are seeing will most likely be what you will get. I'm not a soothsayer,things may eventually smoothen out but just don't be blinded..that's the reason for my epistle. GOODLUCK. 22 Likes 3 Shares |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by netotse(m): 12:12pm On Apr 20, 2015 |
@Madampinkolo We can agree to disagree on some points. I think the guys mum is being difficult because she senses Pret might be trying to avoid her, the issue here is more than preternatura1 being busy, it seems you're deliberately overlooking the fact that, pret (rightly) has reservations about going,don't you think there is a possibility the guys mum senses that? she is being emotional, I don't know the tone she used but you are giving it a negative colouring, emotion isn't a negative thing but it should be recognized as what it is, a bias plain and simple. Since you also mentioned freeing people if you don't like them after two meetings, if you feel someone is posting you, what would your reaction be? You don't come across as one to suffer fools so don't tell me you will nicely bug the person All this your talk about him screening her is at variance with your telling her to walk into it with her eyes open, it's better she knows what she is dealing with so that if she decides to marry the fellow it wont turn out that the side he presented to her was a professionally edited version of things ,if she was screening him and he ever finds out do you think he would thank her? (if you do you might want to rethink the resetting program for DH joke) If she marries him, she will have to deal with his family there's no avoiding that, it's better she begins to develop a framework now, expecting him to intervene in every little issue is not sustainable, when it counts he should be willing and able to defend her honour, this isn't one of those situations. You seem to be angling for him to put his mother in her place, if it was you would you want your son to do the same when you are merely trying to look out for him? (we agree her way of doing so is less than ideal). To answer your question, if my daughter was being insulted, I would tell her to weigh carefully if the guy was worth the insult, but like I've said before, I don't feel Preternatura1 is being insulted, the main issue is the difference in social class and someone has to stoop to conquer. Why should anyone want to be a dove sef? Always been, will always be a fox, pick the battles you fight wisely, but if you must fight, do it well. @ Preternaura1 Do you feel there would ever be a need for your guy to stand up or you and he wouldn't step up? 1 Like |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 12:48pm On Apr 20, 2015 |
@netotse, Nice points. Preternatura is not eager to go because of the reception she recieved the first time and because she is being asked to sleep over without her guy being there.If she was recieved warmly she wouldn't be here singing songs.You cannot blame her for not wanting to go and face the unknown alone.Remember her parents have not accepted him,they havent met the potential MIL either so why should she be going to sleep over?Any assessment can be done in broad daylight..or is there something different that happens at night?? You are also not seeing that she said she already had plans for the easter and wasn't ready to cancel them but agreed to go someother time. As per the tone,the OP has said she was 'taken aback' by what she was told.Abeg,if tone of discussion was acceptable,would she be writing here? I'm actually known to be a very very nice and accommodating person and i am always ready to suffer the consequences of my actions.If i'm antagonistic to someone and the person is running away from me,as the sensible person i am,won't i realise this and try to make amends instead of threatening the person? Another point you make is that she shouldn't expect him to intervene in all situations?? REALLY? Seems you are a novice in Inlaw relations..It is a well accepted fact that you let husband deal with his people while you deal with yours.This is because either side know their people well.I got badly burnt last year because I assumed I was a part of the family and 'knew' my MIL & SIL well enough to weather any disagreement.Please,do not even make this mistake. Another mistake you men make is this 'putting in her place' thing.My father is my father,my husband is my husband and they know their roles in my life.Many women tend to forget this when their sons are involved..they should be reminded and reassured by your actions.Putting in place is not an insult,it is drawing a line that cannot and should not be crossed in all relationships.If for instance her bf had told expalined to his mother,'hey mom,she's busy at work now,don't worry she will come'..that is ALL that's needed.Then preternatura would follow up with i'm sorry i cant come now,don't worry i will free up time to visit you..This is what i expected.I should be able to respect what my son says even if i'm looking out for his best interest. You are right in that i do not suffer fools but I know when to turn on the charm to get what i want. I'm not even encouraging her or discouraging her to walk in..It's left for her to make an informed decision with what she's seeing.I did not know all this before I got married and should have checked one or two things and people before ever agreeing to take the step.After deceptive calm for 4 years,it blew up in my face last year and I sat down put 2 & 2 together and saw a pattern. Stooping to conquer has to do be done wisely otherwise you will stoop till you die.Times to stoop and conquer are still ahead,she hasn't married him yet.A good compromise would be to go alone and get back home the same day,while scheduling other visits.I have mentioned before that i prefer people to stick to their 'percieved' social strata to avoid many of these stories that touch. My main issues is that she's not yet married and shouldn't be stressing herself or be so stressed over acceptance. My DH of course is not aware of his brain reset,i just have learnt how to press the right buttons to get the desired result. Oya leme be d one presenting the 'negative' while u do the 'positive' eh? Cheers! 4 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by babygirlfl: 6:45pm On Apr 20, 2015 |
Madampinkolo: |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 9:50pm On Apr 21, 2015 |
Preternatura1:Couldn't get through...does not exist... Will give mine when you come around. |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by heavyg(m): 12:38pm On Apr 22, 2015 |
I asked a family friend to help me purchase the yams Which make up the dowry I will be presenting to my wife's people. I later found out that the yams are normal sized and sinewy. Does this matter? As in does the size matter? Though the number of yams they asked for is twice the normal amount because of their culture... |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by Nobody: 7:54pm On Apr 22, 2015 |
heavyg:The size does not usually matter but it makes it look presentable. Since it has been bought already, use it like that but ensure you buy the best of the other items on the list your money can afford... Should there be any other thing you dont know concerning the dowry thing, consult your wife-to-be, she should know her culture best. 1 Like |
Re: Babyosisi's Marital Advice To New And Intended Wives by kweenkong(f): 4:36pm On Apr 24, 2015 |
MojAyo: My dear in as much as i believe that a male child needs the prescence of a father figure . The abscence of a male figure doesnt give your brothers that much license to misbehave. that means orphans can get a jail free card from misbehaviour. Most people are very wea at raising kids. I am in my late 30s and i dont even know how to be rude my mother , same goes for my brothers. What you described above is not the result of a broken home but a result of weak home training. i am sorry if i hurt ur feelings . |
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