I got married to my husband a some months ago. Before we got married we dated for a while and my husband was the smiling type, though I noticed he bones a lot with his siblings.

Our courtship was great. He used to give me practically everything I wanted (affection and care) even before I asked. He showered me with so much love that I thought I was dreaming. I saw some other qualities in him and felt he would make a great husband.

The first week of our marriage, my husband changed, started boning round the house and withdrew into himself. His office rent was due that month so I felt that was cause and let him be. Several months down the line and things re d same or even worse. He gets home boning, eats and goes straight to bed. If I try gisting with him he answers in monosylables and you can see the disinterest on his face.

The only time he smiles at home is when he wants to be intimate. That's the only time he's soft with me now and the only time I feel connected to him. I asked him if I offended him in any way and he says no, that the pressure of providing for a new family is getting to him.

I didn't play hard to get cos I don't believe in such so I don't know why the change.

There are some other qualities I discovered in him that I never saw while we were dating. I jokingly told him he has changed and that day he smiled and said he had to give me all I wanted cos he didn't want to lose me since I'm a pretty girl. Now that we re married its like he can't be bothered with trying anymore.

Also deep down I don't tink he loves me and feel he just married me cos he isn't so young anymore (almost 40) and he's parents were mounting pressure on him. He's snappy with me now which never used to happen.

He also has a wall built around him that I can't seem to penetrate. I feel so depressed each time I'm home, being married to a man I feel no connection to.

I don't know if this is what marriage entails. If it is, then please, married folks should hint me so I can adjust my mindset to this new change.

Also, what can I do to break through and get through to him?

Maybe he wants his me time and you're not giving him his space or you're so clingy.let him be.tearoses efemena,chillisause,kanwulia jara and co over to you



*Drops mic*


Let's see what the next person has to say.meanwhile first to comment. RoyalRoy where is my prize

Here to read elders' comments...

I don't know what to say

Lol.
Maybe you should give him a little bit of space.Its just a moody phase that will eventually phase off. Men with their wahala. You can't just satisfy them, their head dey knock anyhow like HONDA engine.

Try and go back to your own shell. Be sweet but still give him space, enough that he will notice.

0

SAMBARRY:
Maybe he wants his me time and you're not giving him his space or you're so clingy.let him be.tearoses efemena,chillisause,kanwulia jara and co over to you



*Drops mic*


Let's see what the next person has to say.meanwhile first to comment. Royal Roy where is my prize

I'm not the clingy type, if anything I used to be the exact opposite and decided to work on it when I got a few complaints. We both go to work and I get back home by 6pm. He gets in by 9 and just wants to eat, bath, and sleep.

His office is just five minutes from the house and he works for himself so I know its not Lagos traffic. I just feel we should share how both our days went sometimes. He also does the same on weekends when he's home and keeps to himself. I let him be for a few hours and when I try to go to him he's cold still, like he wants to be alone.

I'm beginning to feel lonely.

Madam gv ur husband space.. forget the being lonely part. U want him healed ryt? Den let him be..

If u are lonely, dis ls the moment u engage in other activities.. wen he has calmed down, he'l just get bak to u.

You marriage is very young and being that you never had the fine tuning phase during courtship. You both are having it now. Too bad he is pulling away while you are pulling closer and it's frustrating you.

You need to do the reverse affection method, pull away in character too. I don't mean emotionally, but it's a game to get his attention. Whenever he smiles at you frown and be disinterested though give him Wat he wants. Ignore him alot and give him the cold shoulders without it being very obvious. Continue thus till you have his attention and he starts asking you Wat the problem is.

Even when he asks, tell him nothing. Give him more cold shoulders and hide ur cheerfulness. This character if it drives him nuts then it's proof he loves you and was going through a phase

Give him more cold shoulders till he gets angry at ur behaviour and flips out. It only then that you table his offences to you. Hopefully you both would have a heart to heart talk and he would open up to you on what u is killing him

This is a fine tuning phase and if handled properly will pass, making ur marriage stronger

Change too, just start Ignoring him totally, in fact just live as Co tenants. And from your write up it seems he is not doing well financially and your still young so please the second option is leaving that marriage before you get pregnant

Modified**** For those saying my advice is bad..you need your head examined, most women are not happy in their marriages but more than half of them at least have one reason to hold on to the marriage for example they could hold on for the kids or finances or for the way the man treats them well once in a while. But op has not even given one reason of what she is holding on to in that marriage apart from trying to change the behaviour of a man who is almost 40 for crying out loud and he is still struggling that he can't even afford to decently take care of his home financially or emotionally. You people want her to remain miserable,until she starts getting attention from outside and committing adultery then you people will be the same people to call her a prostitute.
That man is just irresponsible, At least men who are not financially strong make up for it by being extra loving..
Please op you are still too young to be so miserable,I repeat quit that marriage and get your life and happiness back. If you decide to stay back then suffer in silence cuz nobody can change the character of a 40 year old. Please forgive the **** word, I have no intention insulting your husband,but I believe you must have heard the saying before, it just makes you understand how impossible it is changing the character of a 40 year old man , A **** at 40 is a **** forever..

Seems he's a pretentious and depressed patient. You just never knew that he's a sad person, especially the fact that he frowns with his siblings.

At 40 he's just beginning to understand the pressure of fending for a family. He must be battling with some inner conflict.

Take to the advice of Eddygourdo.......i have nothing else to say or you tell a marriage counsellor....(not a pastor..)..he's not psychologically okay.

Prayer changes everything, your marriage is still too ealu to be experiencing all these.

I like to look at the Genesis of an issue.

WHEN they warn ladies to do it slowly and be frugal during weddings. They say na rubbish we dey talk. We all know that day is what most ladies look up to and want it to be the talk of the town but you also need to learn what happens during the lead up to that day may determine what would happen in the first few yeats of your marriage.

Which man won't go boning?

After putting him into debt. Remember those times he said you should reduce the guest list or go for a cheaper wedding gown and you turned it down. Or the times you never gave a damn about the cost of items and went for the most expensive. Now it is over and he is in deep shit.

I don't blame you but the results of the kind of debt we put new couples into because of an elaborate wedding and "let them know and see me" attitude only manifests when the curtains are drawn.


He has spent all his money on wedding and now can't pay for office rent just few months down the line. What would happen when the kids roll in?

Seriously, i don't know what you can do. Just pray the times change and turns more favorable or get busy and start bringing in some bucks to help lessen the pressure on him. He is also to blame, you know the status of your finances but caved into societal pressure now you are turning back the anger on her. Not good.

My brother Eddygourdo I give you a thumbs-up. but I will disagree based on the fact that their marriage is still young.

When you have husbands or likes, don’t distract yourself from your partner. Try enjoying it with him instead of living two separate lives, or just express it and be there sometimes to support him so that he can feel inclusive to your life. You should push him and encourage him.


For the most part I know you women would only have a problem with your husbands if his selfish about it. Why be in a relationship when you can’t live together and share differences so that you can appreciate or simply learn more from each other.

One thing that might also help is if the wife tried to show some interest in what her husband enjoys. Maybe from there he could come out of is shell.

x240:
I like to look at the Genesis of an issue.

WHEN they warn ladies to do it slowly and be frugal during weddings. They say na rubbish we dey talk. We all know that day is what most ladies look up to and want it to be the talk of the town but you also need to learn what happens during the lead up to that day may determine what would happen in the first few yeats of your marriage.

Which man won't go boning?

After putting him into debt. Remember those times he said you should reduce the guest list or go for a cheaper wedding gown and you turned it down. Or the times you never gave a damn about the cost of items and went for the most expensive. Now it is over and he is in deep shit.

I don't blame you but the results of the kind of debt we put new couples into because of an elaborate wedding and "let them know and see me" attitude only manifests when the curtains are drawn.


He has spent all his money on wedding and now can't pay for office rent just few months down the line. What would happen when the kids roll in?

Seriously, i don't know what you can do. Just pray the times change and turns more favorable or get busy and start bringing in some bucks to help lessen the pressure on him. He is also to blame, you know the status of your finances but caved into societal pressure now you are turning back the anger on her. Not good.

What a hasty conclusion ... did the op say they're in debt Even if he's in debt, did anyone force him to spend that much? Is he a kid?
People like you always find ways to blame women for everything. .. You're here making it seem like men easily bow to women's pressure or pleas...if they do, then why haven't all cheating men whose wives cry and beg everyday changed?

Mtcheeew, it's a woman's fault when you spend beyond your budget as if you're a kid and don't know when to say No.. or atleast go for a woman in your class...


*Modified*... for those quoting me up and down
You meet a girl, she lives a flamboyant lifestyle, you can't meet up yet you stress yourself? After you come crying about how she has milked you dry? Calling her names?

When you can choose a woman you have same perception with?

Op, you may have to find out if he's having any challenges which you ain't aware of. .. If no challenges, then maybe he isn't into you and probably got married out of pressure from parents. ..
Continue to initiate conversations, maybe suggest you go out together, play games, see movies together et al..anything that will help you two bond... I believe gradually, he'll come around. .


Ps: His attitude isn't normal, a newly wedded couple should still be all lovey-dovey biko and not this boring; nothing like giving space biko... .. I hope you achieve better results. ...All the best. .

Maybe the guy is an introvert and wants to be left alone na.you sef leave am alone to get out of his mood himself. Abi didn't kanwuliajara tell you marriage doesn't solve loneliness. If you aren't happy being alone who told you marriage will change that? When kanwulia talks you guys will be like this chic has come with her wahala again and if you can't take it anymore sebi you have friends. Go and jist with them.I didn't say gossip about your marriage o.just jist.go to the cinemas with your girlfriends go to parties etc.when he sees other people are taking away your attention he'll adjust


*drops mic again *

Royal Roy I'm still waiting for my prize o.a Lamborghini

For gracing the first to comment

Tekevwe:


I'm not the clingy type, if anything I used to be the exact opposite and decided to work on it when I got a few complaints. We both go to work and I get back home by 6pm. He gets in by 9 and just wants to eat, bath, and sleep.

His office is just five minutes from the house and he works for himself so I know its not Lagos traffic. I just feel we should share how both our days went sometimes. He also does the same on weekends when he's home and keeps to himself. I let him be for a few hours and when I try to go to him he's cold still, like he wants to be alone.

I'm beginning to feel lonely.

PresVA:
What a hasty conclusion ... did the op say they're in debt Even if he's in debt, did anyone force him to spend that much? Is he a kid?
People like you always find ways to blame women for everything. .. You're here making it seem like men easily bow to women's pressure or pleas...if they do, then why haven't all cheating men whose wives cry and beg everyday changed?

Mtcheeew, it's a woman's fault when you spend beyond your budget as if you're a kid and don't know when to say No.. or atleast go for a woman in your class...

You must have been reading my text upside down.

I blamed everyone proportionately. I never spared anyone. I like to be a realist and talk based on facts and not just emotions or feelings.

I guess you skimmed through where she said she started seeing the obvious signs when he was having troubles settling his office rent. I am not in their family and can only judge based on little snippets of info you can gleam.
What does it connote for a man to not be able to pay his office rent just few months after his wedding?


You make it seem like it is a black and white issue. How many times has a man tried talking to the lady to listen and reduce the cost of wedding expenses but they turn it too a case of he is too stingy.

How many of you ladies here would agree to budget wedding?

How many would agree to a small wedding with just minute friends and families around?

How many times have ladies of guys not loving them enough because he doesnt want to spend on a frivolous wedding?

The guy is to blame for over spending his balance but its not that easy to just pull out of such when you have expended emotions, time and resources nurturing such a relationship only to just breakaway.

So run along if you can't constructively disagree with my post. Thanks.

@op This might not be the case in your example but you need to sit him down and talk about finding a way around whatever challenges he is facing. The way i see it. There seems to be fire on the mountain and all his lovely wife wants to do is "Gist about what is not". No wonder he pulls away and thinks "You don't just get it".

SAMBARRY:
Maybe the guy is an introvert and wants to be left alone na.you sef leave am alone to get out of his mood himself. Abi didn't kanwuliajara tell you marriage doesn't solve loneliness. If you aren't happy being alone who told you marriage will change that? When kanwulia talks you guys will be like this chic has come with her wahala again and if you can't take it anymore sebi you have friends. Go and jist with them.I didn't say gossip about your marriage o.just jist.go to the cinemas with your girlfriends go to parties etc.when he sees other people are taking away your attention he'll adjust


*drops mic again *

Royal Roy I'm still waiting for my prize o.a Lamborghini

For gracing the first to comment

Shebi baby mamas and oloshos are everywhere.

If oga OP wanted a life of solitude could have made do with them nah. But subjecting his own wife to living in a house permanently filled with negative vibes is just unfair.

I'm pretty sure madam AJ will also advise her to seek companionship and affection in the arm of another man. So if OP cheats on oga now will you commend her?

This lady never made the choice. She was duped into marrying a monk. If OP did the same you guys will be ones blabbing about how deceitful women are all to hook a man. Such hypocrisy!

@ OP please do everything Eddygurdo said. That's exactly what I would do if I were in your shoes. I know it could be difficult because our spouses are supposed to be our best friends and gossip partners But since oga is trying to play dirty, time to serve him a dish of his own meal.

However if he is truly an introvert, you may have to get used to his lifestyle. Find other things to keep you busy and occupied. Very soon the children will come and you will be too busy to be lonely.

Find out how much debt ur husband has accrued. Do you even have an idea of how his comapny's cash flow, profit/loss statements look like or abi ur own na 2 just dey collect, u no mind where e dey come from? Can u trully discuss his business with him? What do you know about his business and I don't mean face value? How many times have you given him insights on how to improve his business? What topic do you bring up when you try to converse with him? He's almost 40, what do you think a man in that age bracket would like to discuss?

If you find out his books are ok and he continues that way, just kill him

You mentioned rent. Do you contribute to household expenses or do you let him carry all the burden.

A man who is weighed down by bills won't be happy and playful

Zambux:
Prayer changes everything, your marriage is still too ealu to be experiencing all these.

Ehn ehn
I was so looking out for this

His thoughts*
This same pvnna till death.
No longer I but US.
She's now mine, no need to bother.
Double Expenditure.....




na all this things dey trouble the man.

all his needs is a supporting hand nd i Can't conclude that u are one.

Another thing he needs is Assurance. that u guys are in the game together. Tell him to bring the troubles on.

YourCoffin:
Find out how much debt ur husband has accrued. Do you even have an idea of how his comapny's cash flow, profit/loss statements look like or abi ur own na 2 just dey collect, u no mind where e dey come from? Can u trully discuss his business with him? What do you know about his business and I don't mean face value? How many times have you given him insights on how to improve his business? What topic do you bring up when you try to converse with him? He's almost 40, what do you think a man in that age bracket would like to discuss?

If you find out his books are ok and he continues that way, just kill him

So now it's her fault? ?
Did you miss the part where he said he was only pretending to be cheerful to get her to marry hin??

Those people typing "give your husband space" obviously aren't married and don't know what being married entails.

You have crossed over from being alone to becoming ONE with another!
You have crossed over from being selfish to being selfless!

This is a summary of what marriage entails.

This is the reason a person MUST attain emotional maturity before getting married.

Tekevwe dear, oniovo... I sympathise with you. Going by your post, your husband seems to be a recluse who is unable/unwilling to get past himself.

Is he spiritual?

Please, its not by force to always smile, or appear happy. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Whenever he starts being moody, and you're bored you can always call your best mate and start chatting for hours, or watch telemundo which lasts all day, or get dozens of novels to read, or go out with friends weekends if he still doesn't want to be disturbed.

Some people are just like that, its their nature.

My dear,what you are going thru is not new to new couples..The first 1year is always difficult and needs a lot of adjustment for both of you..Marriage is very different from courtship and believe him,its a lot of pressure to provide for ur family and then to adjust to it...My advice,make sure you are not a housewife and that you are contributing something to the family..Secondly, be patient and find a way to break into those walls...Don't give up..You won't get it better elsewhere. .Wish you the best

Been reading all the replies and I have learnt a lot. I am not a housewife and bring something to the table as well. I will take the advice offered here and pray to God one works. Thanks to everyone who took the time to offer a word of advice. May God bless you richly.

@ Elvina
Yes he's spiritual. That's one quality that attracted me to him.

Ujoan:


So now it's her fault? ?
Did you miss the part where he said he was only pretending to be cheerful to get her to marry hin??

Where did I say it's her fault? To solve a problem, you begin by asking questions.

What I saw was that he had to give her everything she wanted cos he didn't want to lose her and that the pressure of providing for a new family is getting to him. He practically told her everything in just two sentences and if she hadn't had the brain of a goose she would have started by asking the same questions as I did.

Almost 40?
Mid-life crisis I guess.
My take is,,,Maybe he needs a psychologist.