₦airaland Forum

beleza:
Hi everyone,
I appreciate all your words and advice on my last post.It really got me thinking.wanted to reply you individually but i am not so good with nairaland's way of posting and all.I am aware some people tried reaching me personally,sorry if i didnt get back to you.i tried getting back to some people but i didnt get responses.I am here again to say whats on my mind. So the supposed guy i had issues with last year that i was continually came back to the country few days after I sent that post but didnt tell me.dont ask me how i knew but when i called him, his no went through.he didnt pick and when i called again, he blocked my line. I unblocked him on whatspp and i continued sending him whatspp messages but he never replied.One day when i asked to see him, he finally responded, said we couldnt see and said he was gonna block me which he did almost immediately. I felt terribly bad especially as I felt he was doing all these cause he knew I really liked him.I continued sending him messages every now and then on fb and text messages all to no avail. even when I was trying to assist him by sending things to help his business or when I told i was ill, i didnt get any reply concerning I really dont understand why I would love someone so much and yet I will get this form of attitude.

The problem is I still love and think himabout a lot despite his behaviour and I always regret the fact that it was because of the issue we had that he withdrew. this is one person i loved for who he was.but i also feel that if someone cant easily forgive another person, thats a red flag because issues will always come up.its how you address it that matters. i have concluded that i cant continue in this state cos its gradually driving me into depression, i have been sickly of late because of this and I have kept some things on hold as healing is taking longer than expected.I want to get over him but its been hard and i havent been meeting guys.even online relationships have not been encouraging as I havent been lucky with them.everyone around me is getting engaged and married and here I am, I dont have any close male friend not to talk of a relationship.its really sad and i am getting frustrated.

Dear friends, how do I get over this guy once and for all and even forget I ever met him cos he is causing me more harm than good?secondly i dont mind making new friends from here both male and female as I get lonely most of the time.you can send me a mail on crystabelle86@yahoo.com. Thanks

Catalyst4real:
[size=16pt]Here is your problem.

You give guys the cookie before they even develop true affection for you[/size].

Alezy:
that I the book u read to harden ur heart to an unrealistic position. When mr right finally shows his face, u won't even recognise him again.

bad idea to me

humilitypays:
No one has told you the problem...I think they are all beating around the bush.

As a young man myself who has lots of married and single guys....both rich, poor and average guys...I will itemize your possible issues with guys below:

1. You have very high taste of men- he must be tall, dark fair, muscular, born again, have a good job....in as much as these are good screening criterias, they most often lead ladies into falling for the wrong guys. Wrong guys in terms of married guys or those in committed relationship....playboys only out to catch fun with as many ladies as possible

2. You show signs of desperacy towards guys you are dating: no man (rich or poor, handsome or ugly) admires a desperate woman. This is why many ladies get dumped....they make any guy that end up dating them to feel like they must marry her at all cost since you agreed to date them and maybe have sex/romance with them.

Once a man notices that a lady is desperate to marry, he becomes scared....scared that the lady maybe the wrong woman for him...scared that the lady may have some defficiencies or secret why other guys are running away from marrying her and now she wants to impose herself on him.

Once a man starts to feel you want him to marry you at all cost, he starts to look for a way to escape from you via any flimsy excuse.

3. Do you work? How much do you value your work or business?

Unfortunately, in our present day world....Nigeria as a case study...the economy is harsh...and this has made men (rich and poor) to start filtering women to marry based on their economic viability. If you have a good job and make these guys to understand that you have a viable job, career or business...believe me, most of them won't run from you. most won't quit but will most likely end up settling down with you.

Men have learnt from ladies....guys now select would-be-wife based on where she works....the business she does....her family background....where she lives.....her financial status and more...yes, guys have started digging diamond too...sadly


4. Lastly, you believe that any guy you agreed to date owes you a lot since you have not been dating any guy...that you are a rare gem...yes, even though you may be a rare gem, but making a guy feel like you are doing him a favour dating him will only make him feel bad and start looking for a way out.

Make him feel worthwhile....not by pestering him or by stalking him but via certain actions.....gifting...calls....and also don't pester a guy.....give him space....make him feel like you aren't forcing yourself on him...make him feel like he's not being caged by you but then make an indellible mark in his life, how? Help him in his career growth...business growth...give him useful information and links if you can or come across any that will help him grow....forget all the nonsense some ladies preach that if you help a man grow....that he will leave you to marry another girl when he's made...its all fallacy.....I have never seen it...all guys I know married ladies that made positive impact in their lives, so don't listen to those preaching negative message about helping a guy grow.

Finally....finally....pray....find a way to pour your heart to God in private prayers...not via a pastor or brother this and that...believe in yourself....read the Bible...book of Esther.....and quit being desperate and be friendly....don't look down on any guy.....listen to guys trying to say hi...listen to their bullshit if you can.....the best guys mustn't come driving a range rover....sometimes....your Mr Right might meet you in a bus and it doesn't mean your life is doomed...if you will be rich....you will surely be....all you need now is a trustworthy companion to share you life, you vision, your dream with and God will sure bless you materially and financially when the set time comes...quit choosing men based on their financial, job or business status!

linusbnn:
I will be forced to ask her if she SEX in her dream or have any romance like almost always. Spiritual husband matter no be beans oooooo

arinolaa:
When you have sex with a person in your dreams what does it mean (i.e. spiritual husband)?

esonuu:
U aint falling in luv,u jst get infatuated wit doz guys cos of one quality or d other which u saw in them,it did happen to me more dan 5 tyms..infatuation is always intense,u feel like u gona die without dat person,u mistake it 4 love but at d end,it aint...giv ursef sum time,try startn tins wit sum1 as frnds,dnt rush it,tak ur time,study him,get to knw wat/hw he feels towards u b4 u nw start dating/courting..it worked 4 me,a lady i told openly dat we cannever date,after two and half yrs of being jst frnds,nw we are dating and doz tins i dnt do for oda guls i dated or did out of pretense,nw i do it for dis one willingly without expectn sex or any pay bak 4rm her.GOODLUCK HONEY

ugolance:
All this while you've been dating onions as boyfriends!

arinolaa:
Interesting. What made you change your mind about dating this person?

esonuu:
i stil dnt knw why i changed my mind or wat compelled me to do so

arinolaa:
Great advice. Wish I had read this a few months ago. Will keep this advice in mind for the future.

Phinalphantasy:
red flag. self worth and self awareness.

see, a lot of people will advise you. all those advice are great, fabulous. I tell you. but guess what? advices are great when the foundations are there. else they become a pain killer for the present pain alone.

in this life, no matter how great or fabulous you are, you're gonna meet people that will think nothing of you. even if you're snow white or miss universe, there'll be people that think absolutely nothing of you. wasn't it toke makinwa whose husband cheated on her? Halle berry has been divorced thrice..the men left her..rihanna got beat...karueche nko? countless of them...these are fine ass ladies that people all over the world are trembling for yet one dude sees them like...nothing..

see my dear...this is where self worth..self esteem and self awareness comes in...you also have to be aware that in life, !mostly those you want won't want you..those who want you, you dont want.

you have to recognize when you are in such situation of being not wanted and do the right thing. your self esteem has to be called into action..its not easy, trust me I know..we've been there...but you gotta do it..and you know why you have to do it? cos you gotta love yourself more than anyone..yes..that's the first rule to self worth..self esteem...love yourself, love yourself,love yourself.

if you don't love yourself, guess what?? this scenario is gonna keep happening all over again..even if you force yourself to walk away from this guy right now..you will love the next guy too much than yourself..and the cycle will start.

how do you love yourself? discover yourself..don't rush. and thats just a start..

humilitypays:
eh yaah, wahtever it is, there's always time for amendment. You can shine again, God will see you through

Walesadeyemi:
See this beautiful smart girl killing herself on one stupid guy that doesn't even deserve her. I know (100% certain) that you're a very adorable human being and guys should be killing themselves to have you.
Babe this guy doesn't deserve you a bit and you're there feeding his stupid ego. Pls move on boo, he doesn't deserve such an awesome beautiful lady like you and for God sake you're a diamond girl.





Hope I've fed your ego well? All you actually need now is self esteem booster Coz that's all I can see that you're lacking and if you want to get over that idiot guy, just think of all his imperfections and I'm sure he has a lot.

Never think of the good times you had with him Coz that would only hurt you, think of his bighead, wide nose, the way he limps and so on and you'll get over him sooner than you think.
Good luck

Walesadeyemi:
See this beautiful smart girl killing herself on one stupid guy that doesn't even deserve her. I know (100% certain) that you're a very adorable human being and guys should be killing themselves to have you.
Babe this guy doesn't deserve you a bit and you're there feeding his stupid ego. Pls move on boo, he doesn't deserve such an awesome beautiful lady like you and for God sake you're a diamond girl.





Hope I've fed your ego well? All you actually need now is self esteem booster Coz that's all I can see that you're lacking and if you want to get over that idiot guy, just think of all his imperfections and I'm sure he has a lot.

Never think of the good times you had with him Coz that would only hurt you, think of his bighead, wide nose, the way he limps and so on and you'll get over him sooner than you think.
Good luck

beleza:
I am not in a good situation at the moment. I am in love with a guy who has a girlfriend.Before you judge me here is my story.I am a lady in my late 20s, pretty, funny, lovable and a good christian but the major problem I have been facing since I knew about dating is the kind of guys I get attracted,they are usually cool but unserious,have commitment issues, are emotionally unavailable and just want to sleep with me.I am very emotional and I tend to show my feelings towards a guy so soon.Secondly I have never had a relationship that lasted more than six months.

In my 4 years in the university, I didnt have any relationship, not that i didnt want but guys were not just coming.My friends always felt I should have a lot of admirers because of my looks but the reverse was the case.After school, the few ones I tried to have,turned out sour.One was my former fellowship pastor so I thought he will be serious as he was old enough for marriage.This was about 4 years ago.I was disappointed when I realised that he was just after sex.He started acting up, withdrawing, saying I was disturbing him emotionally and that he is tired.Later, he said we should do friends with benefit, I just cut him off totally. This was a supposed pastor trying to take advvantage of my weakness.

A year later in 2013 met another dude.It didnt last up to six months before we broke up due to our numerous differences.he also didnt make a commitment, the major thing was that we liked ourselves.It took me a long time to get time over him.fast forward to this year met a very funny and inteeligent guy.we met on an online socialnetworking site.he is in his 30's and he seemed just like my perfect man. There was this connection I had with him and we could talk about anything at anytime.snooped on his social media accounts and I didnt see any signs of a lady or girlfriend so I felt the coast was clear.Only for me to ask him one day and he says he is in a relationship,even showed me her photo.I had already started having feelings for him, it was hard to turn back.We were so attracted to each other and it was to hard to resist him even though I knew he just wanted sex from me.Dude travels out and isnt communicating like before, even though he told me his gf is in nigeria but I wasn't convinced.

Our major fallout was when on my birthday I didnt get message fro him until a day later, I decided to send a nasty message to him saying he was just after my body and all.Dude gets angry, I started apologising almost immediately, this happed in October.he just reads my messages doesnt reply doesnt pick my calls.Since the incident happend, I havent been myself, I have never begged or apologised to any one like this in my life, I have cried almost everyday for the past two months, I cant concentrate at work.He recently came back but didn't tell me but I found out on my own.Went to his house a few days ago unannounced just to apologize, He got more angry in the process saying he warned not to come without telling him.He said he has forgiven me and also apologized for leading on but ended up saying he has issues with people that dont trust him.The worst part is he knows I love him so he is doing this to hurt me more.

I just cant get him out of my mind, I think about him everyday, I am in a dilemma.we never had sex, we just kissed and touched so I dont understand what is going on. I still sent him msgs yesterday but he just read them and didnt reply.I have uninstalled my whatsapp because of him so I cant send him msgs.At this point, I am fed up, I don't why love treats me like this. I need your advice asap .

beleza:
Hi guys,

Happy New Year. Been a while and thanks for the love on my 2015 post.

So here is a little update.I am officially hitting my mid 30s this year and still single to stupor.I went to do my masters certificate clearance this week and when I was asked for my marriage certificate, I said I was single the man said I will marry this year and I just said Amen with one side of my mouth because where is the man?�

I met a guy in 2017 who I really liked but the same thing happened again.I fell in love with him although he saw me as just a friend. his tribe was different from mine but i was willing to take a chance, thought he was going to be different from the rest, he is smart, cool and hardworking but alas, I was wrong.If I start to talk about all I went through, I won't finish this post today.

He just wanted to sleep with me like the others, even though he stayed not to far from my house I was the one always making the effort to go and see him.I was really attracted to him and was almost submitting to his sexual advances but something always held me back.he messed up with my mind many times making me feel bad and yet when I get angry, he will call me dramatic.I will get tired of the drama and noncommitment then delete and block him but he will find ways to reach out again.Because i liked him, I will let him into my head again before you know it, I want to see and talk with him everytime.

Note that this 'situationship' continued for years.Even when I moved, it continued.Not meeting other guys also didn't help matters.Been working from home since 2018 and only attend events once in a while.Last year before covid, we reconnected again because I kinda missed him & I wanted to see if he could help me with a job.I wanted to stay over but he insisted on wanting sex.I got angry and decided to leave(we hadnt gotten to his place) but he didn't act bothered.He didn't even buss me when I got home.This is someone I hadn't seen in over a year.I just made up my mind there and there that I couldn't continue allowing him to get into my head as it wasn't helping me.He called some weeks later and that was it, no apologies, no acting like he did anything.This guy never calls that he wants to visit me or that he wants to see me grow career wise or that he misses me,he just wants to monitor me by calling me when he feels like.He also never for once said he liked me even when he knew I was head over heels on love with me or bought anything memorable for me.He would even hurt my feelings by telling me he is not sure I really love him.

I vowed never to reach out again or pick his calls again as it was affecting my mental health and self worth.He finally reached out some days ago, I know his number by heart even though I deleted it, I missed his call as I wasn't with my phone and he hasn't called since then and I don't plan to return it.I want it to stay that way, i don't want no drama this year.It took me a lot to write this cos I know some people are going to judge me.If you have not walked in my shoes, please take it easy with the comments.
I am not a slay mama, I am not a woman who dresses in a bad way, i don't double date, my stature is not attractive, I just don't know why I get attracted to wrong men or they get attracted to me.Its either unavailable men or married men that keep coming my way.I am fed up, who did I offend? I am not talking to any one at the moment not even as a friend.Is my case spiritual?People are wondering whats wrong as I am one of the sweetest ladies you will ever meet, not perfect though.all my friends are married, why is my case different? '(

beleza:
I am not in a good situation at the moment. I am in love with a guy who has a girlfriend.Before you judge me here is my story.I am a lady in my late 20s, pretty, funny, lovable and a good christian but the major problem I have been facing since I knew about dating is the kind of guys I get attracted,they are usually cool but unserious,have commitment issues, are emotionally unavailable and just want to sleep with me.I am very emotional and I tend to show my feelings towards a guy so soon.Secondly I have never had a relationship that lasted more than six months.

In my 4 years in the university, I didnt have any relationship, not that i didnt want but guys were not just coming.My friends always felt I should have a lot of admirers because of my looks but the reverse was the case.After school, the few ones I tried to have,turned out sour.One was my former fellowship pastor so I thought he will be serious as he was old enough for marriage.This was about 4 years ago.I was disappointed when I realised that he was just after sex.He started acting up, withdrawing, saying I was disturbing him emotionally and that he is tired.Later, he said we should do friends with benefit, I just cut him off totally. This was a supposed pastor trying to take advvantage of my weakness.

A year later in 2013 met another dude.It didnt last up to six months before we broke up due to our numerous differences.he also didnt make a commitment, the major thing was that we liked ourselves.It took me a long time to get time over him.fast forward to this year met a very funny and inteeligent guy.we met on an online socialnetworking site.he is in his 30's and he seemed just like my perfect man. There was this connection I had with him and we could talk about anything at anytime.snooped on his social media accounts and I didnt see any signs of a lady or girlfriend so I felt the coast was clear.Only for me to ask him one day and he says he is in a relationship,even showed me her photo.I had already started having feelings for him, it was hard to turn back.We were so attracted to each other and it was to hard to resist him even though I knew he just wanted sex from me.Dude travels out and isnt communicating like before, even though he told me his gf is in nigeria but I wasn't convinced.

Our major fallout was when on my birthday I didnt get message fro him until a day later, I decided to send a nasty message to him saying he was just after my body and all.Dude gets angry, I started apologising almost immediately, this happed in October.he just reads my messages doesnt reply doesnt pick my calls.Since the incident happend, I havent been myself, I have never begged or apologised to any one like this in my life, I have cried almost everyday for the past two months, I cant concentrate at work.He recently came back but didn't tell me but I found out on my own.Went to his house a few days ago unannounced just to apologize, He got more angry in the process saying he warned not to come without telling him.He said he has forgiven me and also apologized for leading on but ended up saying he has issues with people that dont trust him.The worst part is he knows I love him so he is doing this to hurt me more.

I just cant get him out of my mind, I think about him everyday, I am in a dilemma.we never had sex, we just kissed and touched so I dont understand what is going on. I still sent him msgs yesterday but he just read them and didnt reply.I have uninstalled my whatsapp because of him so I cant send him msgs.At this point, I am fed up, I don't why love treats me like this. I need your advice asap .