₦airaland Forum

mrk74:
I really appreciate the useful inputs and comments made.
She has viewed the thread, but unfortunately she has reacted negatively to it.
She feels I said too much and also thinks I shouldn't have brought it here in the 1st place.
I don't see why I shouldn't share and possibly get other people's opinion/suggestions since we are not making headway on this issue.
It's unfortunate she feels bad about this, and unfortunate that some comments pushed me to say too much.
But at least no one really knows us.
Moving forward I'm going to try my best to give her more space.
Thanks all for your comments. I've been able to filter the ones I need and ignore where necessary.

God bless your marriage

Kimoni:
God bless your marriage

Thanks

You too nag joooooorr On a serious note mind telling us the following?

1. How old was she when you married her and how old is she now?

2. Do you guys have a baby now?

3. Does she go out with friends a lot or just indoors?

If she likes reading I suggest you both should buy and diligently read the book " five languages of apology" by Chapman

mrk74:
Please don't just view. I need your suggestions/inputs.

Let me add that I believe in leading by example. I take her suggestions seriously. Where I don't agree we discuss it and I get her to understand and willingly agree with me. The only complain she has ever had pertaining to me was about me calling her by her name (actually short form of her name) instead of her pet name when friends or visitors are around. I just wasn't used to it but I had apologized and adjusted.

Seems u have been very open to communicating and she needs to be very open as well, I wnt say ur controlling but u knw best what is going on and hope posting it on NL wnt cause a big rift. However this behaviours are not correct, disobedience is incorrect, and not trashing any issues and saying lets move ahead is killing the relatnship small small. Communication shd jus flow easily. Well all I knw is love/marriage is hard work

U can cook whatever u want to eat if she refuse to help u out,its d only way to turn things around

In a nutshell.,

She wants to kill you.

This is really serious .... My girl friend is like this too

@OP: Give me her number, let me talk to her.

cococandy:
'Obey' 'disobey'.

your wife is not a child to demand obedience from. I have a hunch her attitude is a last ditch effort to retain some dignity since you are already treating her like a child.

Change. Engage her like an adult. Talk to her like your mate not your subordinate. I believe you will see some compromise from her.

. Female advice frm a female, there are no two captains in one ship, she's the subordinate get that 1st!

I didn't read all that you typed because it is nothing new.
Been there,so I know what you are talking about.

Here are some tips for a resolve

1. 21st century women are different from our parents.You can't bully them,deprive them off money or sex.

2. Never ever engage your wife in verbal warfare. Learn to ignore. They hate being ignored.

3. Women always love some mystery. Don't give her the privilege of reading and predicting your every move.

4. Know her love languages. Some women are okay with words of affirmation, others prefer service/actions. Know your partner.

In a nutshell.,

Somebody is wanting to be killing somebody
But that somebody is not knowing,
Thinking the somebody is finding it difficult to apologize
While that somebody is vexing that somebody is not dying

If u dnt mention the item u might never get real advice! Pls what's the item?

You no get cane?

mrk74:
I do feel that I’m a very lucky man to have a very compatible lady as my wife. We love each other so well and I strongly believe we were meant for each other. However, I have one issue. When she has issue with a suggestion, request or complain she may agree without stating or discussing her objections but will simply not take the suggestion. Sometimes she will out rightly disobey me. The result will be me complaining severally and eventually getting upset. We hardly have issues, but when we do it’s usually because of something like this. We had dated for about 3 years before marriage. We had no issue in our 1st two years. Not that there was no complain at all but we easily made adjustments to accommodate each other. But there were several instances of this kind of issues in our 3rd year and I was seriously bothered. We had a very serious misunderstanding still from this kind of issue few months before we got married. At a point I asked her if I’m difficult and she told me that I nag. It was very embarrassing but when I the dictionary definition of nagging again which states that “(of a person) constantly harassing someone to do something”, then I agreed that I did nag. Then I realized how easy a partner’s action/inaction could make the other to nag.

Just before we began the process towards marriage I had to extract commitments from her for us to avoid this kind of issues in the future. I had explained how we could have handled situations like this better and the fact that she shouldn’t make it a big deal to apologise and she agreed with me. We got married on 30th December 2015 and we have not had issues since then till few days ago. I told her to stop using an item for cooking due to the health challenge I have with the item when it much in the food. I had previously asked for her to avoid putting too much of it which she agreed but she will fail on about 2 out of 9 meals. It was when I realized she can’t moderate it appropriately I asked her to stop and add it when she eats. She agreed but still won’t stop. I then told her not to have the item in the house at all. She agreed but will still buy it and hide. Even though I had noticed the presence of the item on meals for a while but I got to find some that she had recently bought and hidden in a locker. When I confronted her on it she only argued and asked if I had noticed it being overused recently. Even when I pointed out how bad I felt about her disobeying me she will not see it as a big deal.

I’ve been cold with her for about 2 days now (We talk, but not with the typical high spirit when we are both happy). Yesterday she told me that I have been behaving abnormally and I have not told her what is wrong. Then I used the opportunity to remind her of how she has been disobeying me including that of another incident that I had just refused to be upset about. All she said was that she had agreed to stop which I’m not sure I remembered her saying so. But even if she did, how is it different from the previous instance she accepted but began to hide the item. I believe she should apologize for disobeying me but this is something that she won’t do. As far as she is concerned, she had told me she will stop and expects us to move on and there is nothing to be addressed any further.

Fellow nairalanders, what do you think about this? Is an apology for disobeying me out of place?

We had agreed before marriage not to take our issues to friends or family which I strongly uphold. But at this point, I think we should get opinion of a 3rd party hopefully we can get an objective view on this and either of us can have make necessary adjustment for us to avoid this in the future. She reads selected items that lalasticlala pushes to the front page and I hope she gets to read this too. She will definitely know it’s about us. If I don’t hear her mention seeing it on nairaland, I will deliberately lead her to the thread.

----Modified----
I notice some comments are being directed on the food incidence as if that really is the issue. Please the issue has not always been about food. It's just these last issues that have been about food. There had been an issue with her using bleaching creams, one about her refusing to apply for a sponsorship of her project by an International organization which I pushed for mainly because of the exposure she could get. There had been one about applying for her MSc in a nearby University. Except for the bleaching that she just didn't seem to believe the level of risk involved with the bleaching creams the others she simply won't express her reservation or make objections but just won't act till it becomes annoying then you will know she was not comfortable with it. Meanwhile she had given the impression that she is act or was acting on it. Till date she still regrets where she is having her about to be concluded MSc which could have been avoided if she had opened up on time about her reservation on where I had initially suggested.

The issue is actually more about her not expressing her reservation on a matter and not apologizing when she realizes that she didn't do well. Instead of showing remorse she will simply say we should move on sometimes without even wanting to address the issue.

For those who think I'm controlling. I do let her make her decisions. But I do wish she can share her objections where I make suggestions that she is not comfortable with. When I asked her to get registered for her MSc I had asked her to do so in the Federal University that is about 3mins drive from our house. But that is where she had a BSc and she was not comfortable going there for her MSc. But instead of opening up on her reservation she was just lazy about getting the form and was making enquiry about it from wrong sources till I lost my patience and insisted she go by herself. The school is very close but she didn't even need to trek down. When she got there it was already late entry but I didn't mind. It was when she should have gone to pay that she now raised her reservation but initially hanged it on someone else opinion. I didn't insist. I even tried to assisted her in finding an alternative. But by this time it was only one school that still sold forms for MSc and that is where she is schooling now.

Please note this tonight.....that all women exhibit virtually the same character regardless of race, age, religion or ethnicity. Every woman is known for bleeping up. As I was reading your post, I was just busy laughing because I had had similar experience in my 10 years of marriage. As I can see, your marriage is still pretty young so, please expect more of nagging, bleeping up and refusal to sho remorse for her misdemeanour. To be a good husband, you just must be a gentleman to the core. If she offends you but fails to apologise, just cut your conversation with her for a while. She will come back asking what she did wrong and later apologise. If you want to really punish a woman, don't talk to them when you're not in good terms. This hurts more than exchange of words and beating believe me. She can't bear it in 3 days...You'll just kill her emotionally because she will become uncomfortable in the house. But if you're waiting for apology anytime she offends you, you're merely wasting your time but one thing is certain. She'll change with time as you guys keep growing in your marriage. Women mature in marriage as they grow in it.

mrk74:
I do feel that I’m a very lucky man to have a very compatible lady as my wife. We love each other so well and I strongly believe we were meant for each other. However, I have one issue. When she has issue with a suggestion, request or complain she may agree without stating or discussing her objections but will simply not take the suggestion. Sometimes she will out rightly disobey me. The result will be me complaining severally and eventually getting upset. We hardly have issues, but when we do it’s usually because of something like this. We had dated for about 3 years before marriage. We had no issue in our 1st two years. Not that there was no complain at all but we easily made adjustments to accommodate each other. But there were several instances of this kind of issues in our 3rd year and I was seriously bothered. We had a very serious misunderstanding still from this kind of issue few months before we got married. At a point I asked her if I’m difficult and she told me that I nag. It was very embarrassing but when I the dictionary definition of nagging again which states that “(of a person) constantly harassing someone to do something”, then I agreed that I did nag. Then I realized how easy a partner’s action/inaction could make the other to nag.

Just before we began the process towards marriage I had to extract commitments from her for us to avoid this kind of issues in the future. I had explained how we could have handled situations like this better and the fact that she shouldn’t make it a big deal to apologise and she agreed with me. We got married on 30th December 2015 and we have not had issues since then till few days ago. I told her to stop using an item for cooking due to the health challenge I have with the item when it much in the food. I had previously asked for her to avoid putting too much of it which she agreed but she will fail on about 2 out of 9 meals. It was when I realized she can’t moderate it appropriately I asked her to stop and add it when she eats. She agreed but still won’t stop. I then told her not to have the item in the house at all. She agreed but will still buy it and hide. Even though I had noticed the presence of the item on meals for a while but I got to find some that she had recently bought and hidden in a locker. When I confronted her on it she only argued and asked if I had noticed it being overused recently. Even when I pointed out how bad I felt about her disobeying me she will not see it as a big deal.

I’ve been cold with her for about 2 days now (We talk, but not with the typical high spirit when we are both happy). Yesterday she told me that I have been behaving abnormally and I have not told her what is wrong. Then I used the opportunity to remind her of how she has been disobeying me including that of another incident that I had just refused to be upset about. All she said was that she had agreed to stop which I’m not sure I remembered her saying so. But even if she did, how is it different from the previous instance she accepted but began to hide the item. I believe she should apologize for disobeying me but this is something that she won’t do. As far as she is concerned, she had told me she will stop and expects us to move on and there is nothing to be addressed any further.

Fellow nairalanders, what do you think about this? Is an apology for disobeying me out of place?

We had agreed before marriage not to take our issues to friends or family which I strongly uphold. But at this point, I think we should get opinion of a 3rd party hopefully we can get an objective view on this and either of us can have make necessary adjustment for us to avoid this in the future. She reads selected items that lalasticlala pushes to the front page and I hope she gets to read this too. She will definitely know it’s about us. If I don’t hear her mention seeing it on nairaland, I will deliberately lead her to the thread.

----Modified----
I notice some comments are being directed on the food incidence as if that really is the issue. Please the issue has not always been about food. It's just these last issues that have been about food. There had been an issue with her using bleaching creams, one about her refusing to apply for a sponsorship of her project by an International organization which I pushed for mainly because of the exposure she could get. There had been one about applying for her MSc in a nearby University. Except for the bleaching that she just didn't seem to believe the level of risk involved with the bleaching creams the others she simply won't express her reservation or make objections but just won't act till it becomes annoying then you will know she was not comfortable with it. Meanwhile she had given the impression that she is act or was acting on it. Till date she still regrets where she is having her about to be concluded MSc which could have been avoided if she had opened up on time about her reservation on where I had initially suggested.

The issue is actually more about her not expressing her reservation on a matter and not apologizing when she realizes that she didn't do well. Instead of showing remorse she will simply say we should move on sometimes without even wanting to address the issue.

For those who think I'm controlling. I do let her make her decisions. But I do wish she can share her objections where I make suggestions that she is not comfortable with. When I asked her to get registered for her MSc I had asked her to do so in the Federal University that is about 3mins drive from our house. But that is where she had a BSc and she was not comfortable going there for her MSc. But instead of opening up on her reservation she was just lazy about getting the form and was making enquiry about it from wrong sources till I lost my patience and insisted she go by herself. The school is very close but she didn't even need to trek down. When she got there it was already late entry but I didn't mind. It was when she should have gone to pay that she now raised her reservation but initially hanged it on someone else opinion. I didn't insist. I even tried to assisted her in finding an alternative. But by this time it was only one school that still sold forms for MSc and that is where she is schooling now.

One of the most important rule for success in marriage is to know that:
You CANNOT Change your Spouse!

It is too late!

Find a way to turn her weakness into that which will not bother you. Enjoy your marriage inspire of her weakness.

She had always been like that however, love didn't allow you to make it an issue.

She can change, but its going to take a long long time.

Oh Lord, 99% perfect and you have created a topic on top the 1% imperfection

You already have a solution to this matter! Now that you know that her silence and dilly dallying means objection, just ask her point blank what her reservations are weneva u notice these attitudes. Help break her silence instead of letting her stew in it.

And for the person that said it's wrong for a wife to disobey husband... o ga ooo.

Buh Sir nairaland isn't the best place to resolve family issues oo.
And one thing sir,the internet never forget any story...
You are man enough, you should know how to resolve issues within your family,without bringing it to anyone.

Thank you

did she start being unapologetic over night

Jobia:
Could the ingredient be ..


salt?

I guess na pepper

OK

OK ooo sorry oo, but right from reading the ops long ass post, all I took out of it was obeyed disobey.... Naija men need to learn that their wives are not kids except you actually married a kid..... Please let me ask how many times have you apologised to her when you disobeyed her? Some people need christ like behaviour in their home. All these talks of obeyed and disobeyed tells what sort of man you are.

Lol, OP sounds exactly like my husband. but you are not him, cos he is not a Nairalander ....or is he?

Op, your wife you described sounds like my very self, and you sound like my husband although we have been married a few years now so we have adjusted quite well to each other.

My husband hates salt , he prefers eating bland food to something salty although I have eaten a few of the stuff he eats at work o and it's quite salty but when I cook my own and miscalculate the salt a few times, he will not let me hear word again. Lol.

Anyway .... you have married, I can only ask you to accept her the way she is. Afterall, you already knew this before you went ahead and married her. There must be something good about her and that's why you married her. Don't let irrelevant things push you two apart pls.

You two are still adjusting as you only just married a few months back. Give it time and you will both understand each other better. It's quite hard for her to drop years of formed habits just like that.

You need to push her gently where she needs to be pushed. It might seem like work but that's marriage . Realise her faults and make room for it, work with her strengths and make her better.

Over time, she might get to understand how you feel about apologies and would oblige you. Back then I myself could keep malice for days but I think I'm quite better now. Lol.

So please, make room for her... noone is perfect. Ofcourse always let her know when she has misbehaved but don't nag and nag about it after she has understood. With time she will become the woman you want her to be, hopefully .

Can you imagine?

Your wife is jsut plain arrogant.



Good thing you married her so there's less stress for the good guys out there looking for a sane woman






Why would a woman put something that will affect my health in my own food? Was she trying to kill you untimely or what?



Nonsense

Do you normally apologize to her too whenever you're wrong? Because it's supposed to be a vice versa, and if your answer is yes then she suppose to go and so ewe agbeje mowo , I mean put herself into check before she push you out into the hands of your colleagues just to start with, or into the hands of those husband snatchers out there, her ego can't take her anywhere.

cococandy:
'Obey' 'disobey'.

your wife is not a child to demand obedience from. I have a hunch her attitude is a last ditch effort to retain some dignity since you are already treating her like a child.

Change. Engage her like an adult. Talk to her like your mate not your subordinate. I believe you will see some compromise from her.

feminazi?

Linqsz:
In a nutshell.,
Somebody is wanting to be killing somebody But that somebody is not knowing, Thinking the somebody is finding it difficult to apologize While that somebody is vexing that somebody is not dying

looooolz G-d forgive me, i laughed at this.

mrk74:
I do feel that I’m a very lucky man to have a very compatible lady as my wife. We love each other so well and I strongly believe we were meant for each other. However, I have one issue. When she has issue with a suggestion, request or complain she may agree without stating or discussing her objections but will simply not take the suggestion. Sometimes she will out rightly disobey me. The result will be me complaining severally and eventually getting upset. We hardly have issues, but when we do it’s usually because of something like this. We had dated for about 3 years before marriage. We had no issue in our 1st two years. Not that there was no complain at all but we easily made adjustments to accommodate each other. But there were several instances of this kind of issues in our 3rd year and I was seriously bothered. We had a very serious misunderstanding still from this kind of issue few months before we got married. At a point I asked her if I’m difficult and she told me that I nag. It was very embarrassing but when I the dictionary definition of nagging again which states that “(of a person) constantly harassing someone to do something”, then I agreed that I did nag. Then I realized how easy a partner’s action/inaction could make the other to nag.

Just before we began the process towards marriage I had to extract commitments from her for us to avoid this kind of issues in the future. I had explained how we could have handled situations like this better and the fact that she shouldn’t make it a big deal to apologise and she agreed with me. We got married on 30th December 2015 and we have not had issues since then till few days ago. I told her to stop using an item for cooking due to the health challenge I have with the item when it much in the food. I had previously asked for her to avoid putting too much of it which she agreed but she will fail on about 2 out of 9 meals. It was when I realized she can’t moderate it appropriately I asked her to stop and add it when she eats. She agreed but still won’t stop. I then told her not to have the item in the house at all. She agreed but will still buy it and hide. Even though I had noticed the presence of the item on meals for a while but I got to find some that she had recently bought and hidden in a locker. When I confronted her on it she only argued and asked if I had noticed it being overused recently. Even when I pointed out how bad I felt about her disobeying me she will not see it as a big deal.

I’ve been cold with her for about 2 days now (We talk, but not with the typical high spirit when we are both happy). Yesterday she told me that I have been behaving abnormally and I have not told her what is wrong. Then I used the opportunity to remind her of how she has been disobeying me including that of another incident that I had just refused to be upset about. All she said was that she had agreed to stop which I’m not sure I remembered her saying so. But even if she did, how is it different from the previous instance she accepted but began to hide the item. I believe she should apologize for disobeying me but this is something that she won’t do. As far as she is concerned, she had told me she will stop and expects us to move on and there is nothing to be addressed any further.

Fellow nairalanders, what do you think about this? Is an apology for disobeying me out of place?

We had agreed before marriage not to take our issues to friends or family which I strongly uphold. But at this point, I think we should get opinion of a 3rd party hopefully we can get an objective view on this and either of us can have make necessary adjustment for us to avoid this in the future. She reads selected items that lalasticlala pushes to the front page and I hope she gets to read this too. She will definitely know it’s about us. If I don’t hear her mention seeing it on nairaland, I will deliberately lead her to the thread.

----Modified----
I notice some comments are being directed on the food incidence as if that really is the issue. Please the issue has not always been about food. It's just these last issues that have been about food. There had been an issue with her using bleaching creams, one about her refusing to apply for a sponsorship of her project by an International organization which I pushed for mainly because of the exposure she could get. There had been one about applying for her MSc in a nearby University. Except for the bleaching that she just didn't seem to believe the level of risk involved with the bleaching creams the others she simply won't express her reservation or make objections but just won't act till it becomes annoying then you will know she was not comfortable with it. Meanwhile she had given the impression that she is act or was acting on it. Till date she still regrets where she is having her about to be concluded MSc which could have been avoided if she had opened up on time about her reservation on where I had initially suggested.

The issue is actually more about her not expressing her reservation on a matter and not apologizing when she realizes that she didn't do well. Instead of showing remorse she will simply say we should move on sometimes without even wanting to address the issue.

For those who think I'm controlling. I do let her make her decisions. But I do wish she can share her objections where I make suggestions that she is not comfortable with. When I asked her to get registered for her MSc I had asked her to do so in the Federal University that is about 3mins drive from our house. But that is where she had a BSc and she was not comfortable going there for her MSc. But instead of opening up on her reservation she was just lazy about getting the form and was making enquiry about it from wrong sources till I lost my patience and insisted she go by herself. The school is very close but she didn't even need to trek down. When she got there it was already late entry but I didn't mind. It was when she should have gone to pay that she now raised her reservation but initially hanged it on someone else opinion. I didn't insist. I even tried to assisted her in finding an alternative. But by this time it was only one school that still sold forms for MSc and that is where she is schooling now.

You said you had issues like this months before marriage and you went headlong. It's your cup of tea. So deal with it. Remember, if you're a true Christian, you can't divorce her except you catch another man ontop of her.

Love is not compatability. Love is not enough to getting married.

One advise I can give you is..... Explain your mind to her. Don't act it. Enhance your verbal communication. If she won't respect you and apologize, you go ahead and respect her and apologize when you err. The Bible said when it comes to showing honor, you should take the lead.

missjo:
There's never a good excuse for anyone not to apologize when they are wrong. Your wife might just have an arrogant personality and is not very good with authority figures. most of the time it isn't deliberate, other times it is.
Sometimes even when someone like your wife ends up apologizing,they still think they did you a favour.


You now have to figure out if she's doing all this on purpose or just a trait she hasn't been able to work on.this is something you can live with.
Train yourself not to expect apologies from her,i have done so with many people in my life and we're still cool.

So an intelligent lady like you still exist? May God bless the brain behind your sense

ItsQuinn:
She's just being childish, she should apologize and let peace rain in her home ....I wonder why it's so hard for some people to apologise. No need to get a 3rd party involved. Just ignore her childish act, it's because you're giving her too much attention that's why she's misbehaving, when you stop giving her attention, she will learn

. Coming from you, this is really e nice

I don't know why she would keep cooking with what will harm you!
Does she apologize by unspoken word? That is truer than a mere sorry. She may be scared of you Be might not want to argue with u. Do u keep complaining?