₦airaland Forum

TheArchangel:
She added maggi.


You ate unripe plantain with vegetables from your neighbour and you are proud to say instead of buying the ingredients and showing your wife how it is done? Smh.


Whoever offended who should apologize and guy...should stop listening to neighbours.

mrk74:
Please don't just view. I need your suggestions/inputs.

Let me add that I believe in leading by example. I take her suggestions seriously. Where I don't agree we discuss it and I get her to understand and willingly agree with me. The only complain she has ever had pertaining to me was about me calling her by her name (actually short form of her name) instead of her pet name when friends or visitors are around. I just wasn't used to it but I had apologized and adjusted.

I'm a very simple person and I don't shout even when I'm angry. It's only my countenance & tone that would let you know I'm angry. But I don't just get angry instantly. In the last instance I just brought out the item to where I was working in the room. She came back and laughed when she saw it before me. I asked her what the item is doing in the house when I had asked her to stop buying it and she agreed. She responded that she will be using it moderately. She had made this same assertion before but can't keep to it before I told her to stop out rightly. I asked her if she realized that her action is disrespect to me? She said it's not like that that she has promised to reduce the quantity. In all this I was cool and she had all the time to apologize. I only got angry when I told her that I can stop eating her food because of this and she told me that the food I will eat outside will still have the item.

To me the last statement shows defiance. That is what really upset me. If she had apologized, I would have easily consented to her continuing believing that she will take it more serious to be mindful of the quantity.

TheArchangel:
She added maggi.


You ate unripe plantain with vegetables from your neighbour and you are proud to say instead of buying the ingredients and showing your wife how it is done? Smh.


Whoever offended who should apologize and guy...should stop listening to neighbours.

VaginaTerrorist:
God Pls Never Let my Girl friends, Ex Girl friends, Sisters, unborn Daughters, fall into the wrong hands of Dictators in the name of Marriage. As I wake to start todays Journey of life, I come against any IDI AMIn, Maman Gadaffi, Thodore Obianugema, Usama Binladin, Geoge Bush snr, Saddam Husen, Aldof Hitler, Robert mugabe, Paul Biyan, Capt Didier Camara, Fidel castro, Napoleon, Abubakar Shekau, Muhamadu Buhari, Bangida Ibrahim... And their likes that want to oppress, suppress, control, defeat, subdue, stampede any of my sisters in what ever form should never be allowed to progress with it In the Mighty Name of Jesus! Amen. Walks otta thread.

Anonylander:
Just December 2015? You guys really have to seat down and trash it out cos when the kids come there' would be more. I sense lack of tolerance and immaturity and would advise that you prepare or buy your own food for a while and hope she comes around.
Or....
Stay with her while cooking and when she's about to add the quarrelling ingredient, remove your own portion of food and continue cooking

VaginaTerrorist:
God Pls Never Let my Girl friends, Ex Girl friends, Sisters, unborn Daughters, fall into the wrong hands of Dictators in the name of Marriage. As I wake to start todays Journey of life, I come against any IDI AMIn, Maman Gadaffi, Thodore Obianugema, Usama Binladin, Geoge Bush snr, Saddam Husen, Aldof Hitler, Robert mugabe, Paul Biyan, Capt Didier Camara, Fidel castro, Napoleon, Abubakar Shekau, Muhamadu Buhari, Bangida Ibrahim... And their likes that want to oppress, suppress, control, defeat, subdue, stampede any of my sisters in what ever form should never be allowed to progress with it In the Mighty Name of Jesus! Amen. Walks otta thread.

AuroraB:
He went asking for the plantain porridge a second time not minding he may be inconveniencing the other woman but picked on his wife's comment 'I'm embarrassed ' which she made after a long silence. All this over a meal the wife's made effort to prepare meanwhile, Oga have made no effort to prepare this his new found meal ooo in his mind, the wife must get it right.
Oga, you are a nag, men who nag claim it isn't in their dictionaries. And hey, if the ingredient isn't okay by you, by all means, prepare your meals the way you want it . You know damn well you'll be booed on here if you'd mentioned the ingredient. While you were courting, I'm sure the ingredient was okay by you.....abeg shun matter jooooor

mrk74:
Thanks.

We won't break apart. An concerning the nagging it's not what I can expect of me. My kind of nag has been that I've said I don't like this, she acknowledges and in some cases promises to adjust but doesn't. So I remind her when she does it again. At the 4th time, she may get a lecture. Lol. But I don't like it. I think that 1 or 2 times should be enough for someone to make adjustment. Or if you have a problem adjusting then say it and we have a discussion and arrive at a compromise.

I believe we will get there sha. I've already made up my mind not to make a complain more than once.

nnamdiosu:
First of all..I havent heard your wife's side of the story. So I won't totally blame her. In all matters I know there are always two sides to a coin.


Now from the little I have read I can see you and your wife are two honest loving people trying their best in this union. And that's the key to a lasting marriage.

1. First ensure you carefully filter the suggestions that people will give here (including mine). Be wise. Nl is full of sadistic and occultic folkes.

2. People are different. They also apologise in different ways. Now I don't know ur wife but you will be in the best shoe to know. Some of my friends outrightly apologise. Others come near me and indirectly apologise. Some eben indirectly blame me jokingly and tell me they've forgiven me! Even wen its clear to a blind man that they were annoyed. You have your own way. I have my own way. She has her own way.

Truth is an apology is not out of place. Maturity demands that one should apologise for a wrong act...but wisdom accepts that no two people are the same. Does she show an apology in some other way? If yes...then accept while still trying to show her why a spoken apology is more ideal. If no.....then it is well.

3. To be frank...it is very very wrong for a wife to disobey her husband. In that aspect she was 100 % wrong. Very wrong. But maturity and compromise is needed in marriage in all matters. Since you've talked to her and she doesn't want to listen. Call her and ask her y indeed she really disobeys and uses the product. If the reason isn't holding water....ask her if she will prefer cooking separate pots of food for u too. At least that will help solve the problem. She has her way..u have your way.

3. I admire your patience and love for her. I felt your pain. But now...put aside that pain....and pick understanding and love. Truth is, ideally in all ramifications, she is wrong. But let's forget about that. Try the steps I gave.. Esp the frank talk with her. Find that right time when she is in that emotional state of mind (after sex? Or buying her a gift), and tell/ ask her y she is disobeying u.
Lastly commit it into the hands of God. Only God can help u direct a woman. Because they are the last thing he created, very mysterious, very surprising yet very lovable and emotional.

And madam if and if I say (cos I know there are different sides to a story) what Oga said is true...then remember that only a foolish woman plucks her home down with her own hand. I've seen good marriages break down for issues less than this. Yours will not be so in Jesus name. Amen.

deltateam:
With a username such as yours I doubt if you are married and don't expect you to understand.

deltateam:
Funny. So he should always be around in the kitchen when she's cooking .

Now I smell childishness from your post.

nomanicole:
I am a guy and I haven't cooked it before but I know that having had an idea of how to cook yam porridge it would be similar. The cut vegetables should be added at the end and stay for 10 - 15 minutes. Its as simple as that.

Maybe her mum failed to raise her well


So because she does not know how to make unripe plantain porridge she wasnt raised well,wow! Im sure u can look at hausa delicacies and guess how it is made too, what if she never had that made in her house as a kid. Lets learn to put people in our shoes b4 showing muscle abeg

MarieSucre:
looooolz G-d forgive me, i laughed at this.

mrk74:
I don't think its a major change here. At least she is not really arrogant. It's more like not taking something serious.

AuroraB:
He went asking for the plantain porridge a second time not minding he may be inconveniencing the other woman but picked on his wife's comment 'I'm embarrassed ' which she made after a long silence. All this over a meal the wife's made effort to prepare meanwhile, Oga have made no effort to prepare this his new found meal ooo in his mind, the wife must get it right.
Oga, you are a nag, men who nag claim it isn't in their dictionaries. And hey, if the ingredient isn't okay by you, by all means, prepare your meals the way you want it . You know damn well you'll be booed on here if you'd mentioned the ingredient. While you were courting, I'm sure the ingredient was okay by you.....abeg shun matter jooooor

bennyrazz:
how a food is cooked shouldn't be a problem, you've told her to stop putting some condiments inside your food and she is going against your wish. Is that the problem? and she refused? if that's the case, get into the kitchen and cook your food the way you like it. Marriage is all about compromise between two different individuals. The delicacy you enjoy might not be the delicacy you enjoy, she is meant to know this and bridge the gap. I don't eat some certain food, soup and fruits myself cuz I'm allergic to them. Your wife should compromise in the food department and you both should learn to say I'm sorry to each other whenever you are wrong.

mrk74:
I do feel that I’m a very lucky man to have a very compatible lady as my wife. We love each other so well and I strongly believe we were meant for each other. However, I have one issue. When she has issue with a suggestion, request or complain she may agree without stating or discussing her objections but will simply not take the suggestion. Sometimes she will out rightly disobey me. The result will be me complaining severally and eventually getting upset. We hardly have issues, but when we do it’s usually because of something like this. We had dated for about 3 years before marriage. We had no issue in our 1st two years. Not that there was no complain at all but we easily made adjustments to accommodate each other. But there were several instances of this kind of issues in our 3rd year and I was seriously bothered. We had a very serious misunderstanding still from this kind of issue few months before we got married. At a point I asked her if I’m difficult and she told me that I nag. It was very embarrassing but when I the dictionary definition of nagging again which states that “(of a person) constantly harassing someone to do something”, then I agreed that I did nag. Then I realized how easy a partner’s action/inaction could make the other to nag.

Just before we began the process towards marriage I had to extract commitments from her for us to avoid this kind of issues in the future. I had explained how we could have handled situations like this better and the fact that she shouldn’t make it a big deal to apologise and she agreed with me. We got married on 30th December 2015 and we have not had issues since then till few days ago. I told her to stop using an item for cooking due to the health challenge I have with the item when it much in the food. I had previously asked for her to avoid putting too much of it which she agreed but she will fail on about 2 out of 9 meals. It was when I realized she can’t moderate it appropriately I asked her to stop and add it when she eats. She agreed but still won’t stop. I then told her not to have the item in the house at all. She agreed but will still buy it and hide. Even though I had noticed the presence of the item on meals for a while but I got to find some that she had recently bought and hidden in a locker. When I confronted her on it she only argued and asked if I had noticed it being overused recently. Even when I pointed out how bad I felt about her disobeying me she will not see it as a big deal.

I’ve been cold with her for about 2 days now (We talk, but not with the typical high spirit when we are both happy). Yesterday she told me that I have been behaving abnormally and I have not told her what is wrong. Then I used the opportunity to remind her of how she has been disobeying me including that of another incident that I had just refused to be upset about. All she said was that she had agreed to stop which I’m not sure I remembered her saying so. But even if she did, how is it different from the previous instance she accepted but began to hide the item. I believe she should apologize for disobeying me but this is something that she won’t do. As far as she is concerned, she had told me she will stop and expects us to move on and there is nothing to be addressed any further.

Fellow nairalanders, what do you think about this? Is an apology for disobeying me out of place?

We had agreed before marriage not to take our issues to friends or family which I strongly uphold. But at this point, I think we should get opinion of a 3rd party hopefully we can get an objective view on this and either of us can have make necessary adjustment for us to avoid this in the future. She reads selected items that lalasticlala pushes to the front page and I hope she gets to read this too. She will definitely know it’s about us. If I don’t hear her mention seeing it on nairaland, I will deliberately lead her to the thread.

----Modified----
I notice some comments are being directed on the food incidence as if that really is the issue. Please the issue has not always been about food. It's just these last issues that have been about food. There had been an issue with her using bleaching creams, one about her refusing to apply for a sponsorship of her project by an International organization which I pushed for mainly because of the exposure she could get. There had been one about applying for her MSc in a nearby University. Except for the bleaching that she just didn't seem to believe the level of risk involved with the bleaching creams the others she simply won't express her reservation or make objections but just won't act till it becomes annoying then you will know she was not comfortable with it. Meanwhile she had given the impression that she is act or was acting on it. Till date she still regrets where she is having her about to be concluded MSc which could have been avoided if she had opened up on time about her reservation on where I had initially suggested.

The issue is actually more about her not expressing her reservation on a matter and not apologizing when she realizes that she didn't do well. Instead of showing remorse she will simply say we should move on sometimes without even wanting to address the issue.

For those who think I'm controlling. I do let her make her decisions. But I do wish she can share her objections where I make suggestions that she is not comfortable with. When I asked her to get registered for her MSc I had asked her to do so in the Federal University that is about 3mins drive from our house. But that is where she had a BSc and she was not comfortable going there for her MSc. But instead of opening up on her reservation she was just lazy about getting the form and was making enquiry about it from wrong sources till I lost my patience and insisted she go by herself. The school is very close but she didn't even need to trek down. When she got there it was already late entry but I didn't mind. It was when she should have gone to pay that she now raised her reservation but initially hanged it on someone else opinion. I didn't insist. I even tried to assisted her in finding an alternative. But by this time it was only one school that still sold forms for MSc and that is where she is schooling now.

AuroraB:
He went asking for the plantain porridge a second time not minding he may be inconveniencing the other woman but picked on his wife's comment 'I'm embarrassed ' which she made after a long silence. All this over a meal the wife's made effort to prepare meanwhile, Oga have made no effort to prepare this his new found meal ooo in his mind, the wife must get it right.
Oga, you are a nag, men who nag claim it isn't in their dictionaries. And hey, if the ingredient isn't okay by you, by all means, prepare your meals the way you want it . You know damn well you'll be booed on here if you'd mentioned the ingredient. While you were courting, I'm sure the ingredient was okay by you.....abeg shun matter jooooor

mira4u:
obeying you ke, she be your pikin? @mrk74 no offence ... You sound so much like a dictator. Always imposing your ideas on her and will not like to accept hers at any point in time. You are the one who needs serious adjustment on the way you exercise your headship, before you start complaining. If you exercise your headship in the right way, she'll do what pleases you even without much talk. Work on yourself. Read books, bible(if you are a Christian), etc so you can learn the best ways to exercise headship.

cococandy:
'Obey' 'disobey'.

your wife is not a child to demand obedience from. I have a hunch her attitude is a last ditch effort to retain some dignity since you are already treating her like a child.

Change. Engage her like an adult. Talk to her like your mate not your subordinate. I believe you will see some compromise from her.

awa:
Bros, you ain't gonna like my suggestion but trust me your wife isn't the 99% of what you claimed you wanted in a wife. There's something about her that you have been managing which she isn't willing to improve or even change to compromise for the marriage success.

Simple way out is for you to accept it as her own way of life. Adjust your own way of life to suits hers if you want to continue with the marriage perhaps that way she could change on seeing that you have ignored her usual way of doing things.

The main problem you are having is that you are expecting a change from your APC wife forgetting that APC change is often a mirage. Just like millions of Nigerians passing through hardship now were expecting APC Govt to make good their promises so you would feel if you continue to expect her to change and make good her promises.


You have been so sure she would change overnight without knowing that your being nice doesn't mean she would be the unseen perfect wife. All women and men alike have their issues.

Stop nagging and deal with the realities....