HI readers am starting a story based on A GIRL for some reasons i would change the name of characters critics are welcome,NO PART OF THIS STORY CAN BE COPIED WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE AUTHOR=======A little girl is unhappy.*pamela:mama must i follow to the city i asked shifting my gaze to mama p who happens to be my mom .even though i knew d answer to my question i still wanted to hear her say it .my name is pamela nd i stayed with grand ma uptill now that mama p came to take me to my father in abeokuta* * * * * * * * MAMA P:Looking at my daugther's face i knew she would have loved to stay in d village with grany but having finished my TTC training at ogoja her father insisted both of us come over to abeokuta * * * * * * * * PAPA P:i tought it wise for my family excluding my first son who was in js3 to come nd liv with me in abeokuta.as a costable in the police force i could fend for them.,,**a week latter.PAMELA: wedged btwn mama p nd a fat woman i began d jorney tomy future.with my mind blank i slept

MAMA P:it was already night by the time we arrived abeokuta.under the heavy rain i stood helples at the garage with my phone dead nd not understanding the strange language(yoruba)i was stranded with my sleeping daugther on my shoulder and my lugage at my feet i silently prayed for a miracle* * * * *WUNMI:my neigbour nd coleague informed me of his plans to bring his family to abeokuta nd i felt it was a good idea so i asked him when they were comin nd he said in a weeks time.today maked it a week we discussed so i wnt to ask him if they where on their way but i met him rushing out.* * good nyt readers ba3 low

You are trying. But I think you should totally avoid the use of shorthand.
Take the first step of clicking on modify and then correct the shorthand.

Divepen1:
You are trying. But I think you should totally avoid the use of shorthand.

Take the first step of clicking on modify and then correct the shorthand.

Thanks for d observation will do that latter

Divepen1:
You are trying. But I think you should totally avoid the use of shorthand.

Take the first step of clicking on modify and then correct the shorthand.

Thanks for d observation will do that latter

Divepen1:
You are trying. But I think you should totally avoid the use of shorthand.

Take the first step of clicking on modify and then correct the shorthand.

Thanks for d observation will do that latter

Nice one dear....following

JUMOKE:i laid on my bed my mind thinking about the turn of events with Leke my fiancee disturbing me to quit my job as a police officer before he procedes with our wedding plans i felt confused just then my neigbour came to ask if i could accompany her to the market( time checked 7pm) ,looking at my window realising it was going to rain i declined her offer* * * * * PAMELA:opening my eyes and seeing darkness i knew it was late i felt water drop on my face i realised it was raining raising my head from mama p's shoulder i saw worry all over her face with a sigh i knew we needed help*PAPA Pchecks time6:59pm)i had tried calling my wife's line only to discover it was switched off i became worried and i couldnt pick them at the garage since i was unexpectedly placed on special duty just then i had an idea i dailed wunmi's number it rang without her picking same with jumoke beads of sweat started to form on myfaceWUNMI:siting in the taxi on my way to market i recalled the look on jumoke face i felt pity forher

Obimgbo:
Nice one dear....following

Thanks sister also folowin your story

wow.. This change is drastic and make sense..

Good job, you should paragraph the write up and try as much as possible not to use short hand. The way you change characters is so swift, let one character be done before the other starts talking...it makes the story a lil confusing. Following, my ppl tori don land o

Cc
Jaguguli88
Colin
Veekid
Smilethatchatm
Lankyannie
Tunjilomo
Ladyverere
Mhiz

bibijay123:
Good job, you should paragraph the write up and try as much as possible not to use short hand. The way you change characters is so swift, let one character be done before the other starts talking...it makes the story a lil confusing. Following, my ppl tori don land o

Cc
Jaguguli88
Colin
Veekid
Smilethatchatm
Lankyannie
Tunjilomo
Ladyverere
Mhiz

Here we go!

Thanks for d correction it is noted

And thanks for inviting your friends over more updates coming soon

OK dear, thanks

dasilver20:
Thanks sister also folowin your story

LEKE:i was rusticated from the university some years ago due to cultism so i used my life savings to buy a taxi.i was doing my business as usual when a beautiful police woman stoped me i was reluctant at first because i hated police and i didnt want their trouble.she told me where she was going (no other person stoped me)during the ride she engaged me in a conversation and we ended up exchanging numbers a month later we started dating after 2years jumoke started pushing for marriage(she is 4years older than me)i told my father(an ifa priest)he consulted the oracle and told me to marry jumoke but i must make sure she resigns so that her good fortune would be mine.jumoke refused to resign so i became frustrated.i was drunk as usual when i ran into a ditch almost killing my pasengers,they all insulted me except a lady * * * *WUNMI:The sudden halt of the taxi brought me back from thinking,our taxi ran into a ditch at the garage not far from the market so i decided to wait in the garage until the rain stoped

[left][/left]Let me officialy welcom missmosy,fiyah,bibijay(my mentor)youngtemmy,ladysuperb,obimgbo(my sister in da lord)donkross,divpen1,gtin,smartestpopqueen,onihazy,oyinprince(coughs and takes a brake)if ya name is not in d rollcall indicate by raising up your hand Let me officialy welcom missmosy,fiyah,bibijay(my mentor)youngtemmy,ladysuperb,obimgbo(my sister in da lord)donkross,divpen1,gtin,smartestpopqueen,onihazy,oyinprince(coughs and takes a brake)if ya name is not in d rollcall indicate by raising up your hand

MAMA P:asif in answer to my prayers a lady walked to me asking who i was waiting for by that time wet and with a child i was happy to hear her speak the language i understood(english)itold her my plight and she felt pity for me so she asked for the adress,when she read the adress she look suprised and asked for my husbands name which i told her.she began to search for something in her purse after a frantic search she told me she forgot her phone all this while pamela had fallen asleep again = = = = = = = =an hour later** * * * *JUMOKE:i was in the kitchen cooking noodles when i heard wunmi calling me immedialy left my food and ran to her room on getting there i met a lady busy petting a child before i coul say a word wunmi draged me to her and introduced her as fred's wife i was stunned so fred had a beautiful wife yet he was bleeping iya rhoda and befriending anty biodun who fit blame am he was cute even me sef wont mind him bleeping me too the smell of my burnt noodles sent me runing to the kitchen

[b][/b]* PAPA P:Wunmi called me and narrated how she picked my family up at the garage i thanked her and asked her to give my wife the phone i told here where the key to my room was.My mind was now at rest but something else bothered me,my affair with biodun and iya rhoda= = = = = = == = = = == PAMELA:3 weeks later)i became bored since i tried making friends with the children in our extention baracks(our house has 35 rooms both up and down stairs including the boysquarters and all the full house wives were amebo)they all claimed to be older than me,anytime i went downstairs to play they always abused me in yoruba so i made up my mind to learn and within few days i started understanding words like"wa"lo".i woke up one morning to discover the house was silent(it was unusual)i asked mama, she told me school has resumed and i would enroll the next day (i was in primary 3 when i left the village)i was happy so i ran to anty jumoke's room to tell her the news getting to her door i heard sounds

Pls i need critism so i can improve

The next update wil hav sex scene children cover ya eyes:DD

ekule oo ati onile atalejo good afternoon oo will be updating soon so grab a sit in the front roll

LEKE:i knew jumoke's weakpoint was sex she couldnt resist an offer so i decided to use that weapon to get what i want.i knew she would be offduty on monday so i decided to visit her (30 minutes after) without knocking i pushed the door open and behold i saw a naked jumoke(it looks as if she just had her bath)i knew it was the best time to implement my plan,without invitation i hugged her wet body from behind she was shocked at the same time aroused,smiling i cupped her big boobs and started massaging,she started moaning taking that as a go ahead i tuned her over and kissed her on the lips she immediately returned my kiss with full force i grabbed her firm round ass and stared neding it,it felt soft still attacking her ass, with my free hand i inserted two fingers into her wet p*ssy she tensed and let out a loud moan.i started moving my fingers slowly then increased my pace,her innermuscle griped me,holding me for suport she had her first orgasm,i withdrew my hand and coiled her leg round my waist

I unziped and set my rock hard 9inches john thomas and began to slowly enter her honey pot.* * * * * JUMOKE:he was pinching my nipples and at the same time slaming into me at a fast pace he would stop at intervals to suck my nipples i could feel another orgasm building and withing minutes i had cum,my love juice had not stoped flowing when he shot his load inside me when he was through he changed and started f*cking me doggie style that set me on fire and started moaning louder it was due to this i didnt her pamela walk in

[color=#990000][/color]Nairalanders shey i offend una ni no body even view my story talkless of comment hmmm

Divepen1:
wow.. This change is drastic and make sense..

Oga divpen1 where at thou

dear you have a good storyline but there are many things you aren't doing right. first you started very well with your little description of your first few characters then you started importing characters without description. sister not all nairalanders can read in between the lines and understand who they are so stop importing characters all of a sudden and when you do always simplify them for your fans by describing your relationship with them for better understanding. sorry to say this but your first few updates and episodes are disjointed, it is not structured, you omit stating settings or places of event, I couldn't make out if some parts of the were present or flashbacks, in the starting of every story you have to give your fans some good stuff, something that would glue their interest to the story that would make them stay awake waiting for your updates. ok let's say you give them something like a short description of a character let say papa p how his life before or after having kids or Pamela came to stay grandma and conditions that Lead to that continue flowing in that fashion till you get fans on your side before you started introducing disjointed episodes to hype and promote suspense.

lastly punctuation should be properly observed, emotionality were Necessary should be deepened. you have read my story PAINS OF LOVING A STAR it started with fancy and Jenny it letter deviated to Sarah and Morgan all in the same story so what am saying is deviate sometime from the main story to some others storyline to hype your fans but don't go too far you can start by steady giving them at intervals flashbacks of what Pamela's life was living with her grandma or anything just hype up your fans get them interested in your story.


good work so far keep bringing this thread down with good updates

Onyenso100:
dear you have a good storyline but there are many things you aren't doing right. first you started very well with your little description of your first few characters then you started importing characters without description. sister not all nairalanders can read in between the lines and understand who they are so stop importing characters all of a sudden and when you do always simplify them for your fans by describing your relationship with them for better understanding. sorry to say this but your first few updates and episodes are disjointed, it is not structured, you omit stating settings or places of event, I couldn't make out if some parts of the were present or flashbacks, in the starting of every story you have to give your fans some good stuff, something that would glue their interest to the story that would make them stay awake waiting for your updates. ok let's say you give them something like a short description of a character let say papa p how his life before or after having kids or Pamela came to stay grandma and conditions that Lead to that continue flowing in that fashion till you get fans on your side before you started introducing disjointed episodes to hype and promote suspense.

lastly punctuation should be properly observed, emotionality were Necessary should be deepened. you have read my story PAINS OF LOVING A STAR it started with fancy and Jenny it letter deviated to Sarah and Morgan all in the same story so what am saying is deviate sometime from the main story to some others storyline to hype your fans but don't go too far you can start by steady giving them at intervals flashbacks of what Pamela's life was living with her grandma or anything just hype up your fans get them interested in your story.


good work so far keep bringing this thread down with good updates

can I rewrite your first few lines to sho you what I mean

Onyenso100:
can I rewrite your first few lines to sho you what I mean

I would realy appreciate that thanks a lot

[left][/left]Dear readers am sorry for not updating am nt feeling fine in need of your prayers

[center][/center]PAMELA:its been one week since i caught anty jumoke with one uncle doing mummy and daddy play,she bought fan youghot for me so i wont tell mama p and i didint.am so happy today because i was going to enroll in the school of my dreams little did i know that my happiness wont last= = = = = = = = MAMA P:i sat in Mr Erics office(he is the headmaster of mount mercy nur/pry school)watching my daughter being interveiwed,as a trained teacher without being told i knew pamela was not qualified to be in the primary section(she couldnt write a-z correctly)so i told the HM(headmaster)to place her in nursery two= = = = = = = PAPA P:i came back from work to meet a disturbing news,how could my wife allow them to put my pamela in nursery2 but after hearing her explanation i calmed down.in the midnight i woke mama p up we needed to discuss ,i had been thinking of opening a shop for her in front of the house i didnt want her to work because she is a beautiful woman i didnt want other men to run after her

---

WUNMI:i am the second born out of ten children(6 girls and 4boys)my parents are on my neck to get married.i had all it took to keep a man i had money,a good job(police sergent),nice figure eight body and even educated yet men used and dumped me i was posted from akure my hometown to abeokuta where i met jumoke also a sergent and fred(papa p) a costable.jumoke and fred were also newly transfered to abeokuta from lagos so we all had accomodation problem which did not last we looked for a house and we rented it that is how we became neigbours and coleagues....fast forward to the present. alhaji azeez my present boyfriend abi na manfriend sef(he has 4 wives and i dont mind being number 5 so far Mrs is in front of name)has decided to throw a party for me to celebrate my 30th birthday he even promised to take me to dubai,thats alhaji for you i cant wait to get pregnant for him.= = = = = = = IYA RHODAshe is semilitrate)my name na emily but people for yard dey call me iya rhoda.i don marry with 6 daughters

IYA RHODA:all the girls take 2 years senior them sef,rhoda na my first born she be 14years followed by chioma 12years,ego 10years,ruth 8years and twins janet and juliet.but my husband family dey treat me like say i never born just because i never born boy. since when fred(papa p) pack come our yard i don dey eye am. with im correct six packs body(my husband get big belle)i don know say if he sample me i fit born boy,after some time i com dey show am say i go like make he bleep,me the guy sef see the green light and he no dull himsef. since den we dey bleep regular but he never do mistake forget condom or release inside me.now his wife and daughter don dey stay with am he no com get my time again and toto dey scratch me i need his thing inside me

hmmmmm. wat is will I say now hmmmmm OK dasilver20 I saw in my profile dat u were following me so I gat to check u up Nd found out u gat a story so I said let me read up..but let me say thank u...let me go Nd d story now....

OK let me invite my goons. I don't know if they r here Sha..
ikombe , rachealfst , Toshiba49ja,commelyjummy, johnsown1.. jagugu....come Nd see one story..I know say e go sweet...