₦airaland Forum

CaraJewel:
i dislike pressures.tend to make mistakes which am avoiding and more

A whole lot of mistake can take plc when ur not careful enough or probably in a hurry due to relatives pressure or excessive influence.
#Still considering mine#

Xway:
A whole lot of mistake can take plc when ur not careful enough or probably in a hurry due to relatives pressure or excessive influence.
#Still considering mine#

thats ok.if you already have someone

Khallyella:
Tbh, these days, it's not all about getting married that matters, sometimes, people get married cause of the pressure, if you really don't wanna get married(stayed tied to a man forever), just go for a contract marriage, get the number of kids you can take care of and y'all go separate ways, most of the men/guys nowadays are cheats, you can only pray to be the one who's got his heart and not just of the numerous d##k sharers(side-chics), not wanting to get married cause men are cheats is just like not wanting to be in a country where it doesn't rain, it rains everywhere but not everytime.

This is very interesting, contract marriage. I like the sound of this because I really want to have children. Thank you so much for this advice. I will research more about it.

Lifeislife:
So I'm 30 this year.

Some years ago, after a certain situation. I decided to be celibate, the same week I decided to be single. I've been celibate single by choice. I was 25 years and seven months when I made that decision.

At first, I liked the no pressure, then the peace. No sex pressure, arguements, different opinion clashes. I don't have to take pics and send to him everytime.

But after some months, it was lonely. I missed walking with boyfriend, going to movie. In rainy season it is hard, I feel the loneliness so much. But as dry season came it got better.

I began to focus more on my career. I have become more self reliant. I started having less friends, withdrew myself from events. Became a more indoor person. I have found peace within myself.

Sometimes I see news of guys beating thier girlfriends, cheating, doing mean things. And it encourages me to stay single.

But there are always news of guys doing very romantic things for thier girlfriend that sometimes encourages me to be in a relationship.

But as months went by, I am became more and more happy. And people comment about my single life were not hurting me. When I see happy couple I am for them, and not bothered. I have this inner peace.

As I grew older, I realised a lot of men are insecure, and just want submissive fool they can control. Now, I am very bold, just the other day, I was in a queue, and a guy tried to intimidate I stood up to him. And I am beginning to dislike women, who supports when a man mistreats a woman.

As I've been getting older, less and less guys are asking me out. This year only two guys have toasted me.

My family is not happy with me. The pressure from them is so much now to get married. I have told them to be patient, if I meet a man who believe in equal rights I will date and marry him. But they don't want to understand it is just to get married, for them to know that I am married.

I just can't trust a man, most of them are lying cheats, who wants someone to take care of them. Pressure force you to have sex when you don't feel like it. Become mean when you don't give it to him. Use my trust against me, the words I told him when he was toasting, things that I don't like to use it against me.

Act nice when he is toasting you, become difficult when you are his girlfriend, he will be so different. Arrogant mean.

I see some girls in a happy relationship showing off thier guys, good for them. I have stop to compare myself to what society expects.

And everybody concern is for me to get married. It has turn to such a situation, that my few friends divert most of our conversations to my getting married.

But I'm a realistic person. Most marriages are downright horrible for women. You are responsible for co-providing, then you must do all the household chores, if you get a nanny to assist you, the husband will sleep with her. Possibly get her pregnant. Or his family will say you are lazy for having a nanny. And he digusting status quo, in our society that is bent on humiliating women to ego up the men. Men are so mean, beating thier wives, leaving thier wives to marry a younger woman.

There are good men out there. Few. Rare. This kind of nem do not see a woman as inferior to them. They treat a woman without the biased of African tradition that promotes the misuse and abuse of women. How is it that a woman must not complain, accept and not divorce a husband that has a sidechick.

Some of my neighbours don't like I am single, they don't answer my greeting. They gossip me in my area that no man will marry me, that I am old cargo, mambala.

One of my few friends told me that "secretly inside I am desperate to get married, that I am lonely miserable and no man will marry me if I continue this my character"

I told him that I don't care about marrying a man that does not believe men and women are equal. And most Nigerian women are miserable in thier marriage. They just keep quiet, and keep on submitting to the man, just to remain married. Afraid he would divorce her if she stands up to him. To avoid
society mocking them if the men drive them out of the house.

I have made my peace with the reality of our society and Nigeria. Men will always think they are doing the woman a favour by marrying her.

No man is doing me any favour by marrying me. He does not pay my bills, I will be earning my money as he earns his. Men and women should have equal rights.

But it is only when it comes to equal rights that a guy would say we are not westerners. We are Africans. But you can carry mobile phones is it in African culture? Is it in African culture to use atm machine, did your forefathers invent it? But you have accepted it. You have accepted technology now as part of your culture.

But when it comes to treating a woman as your equal partner, not a submissive slave it is not your culture? When it comes to a woman of 30, not rushing to get married it is not African culture? I must be married because I'm 30. Or people will be mean and choose not to see anything good about me because I am not married.

I would rather be single than to be married to a wicked man that would pretend he is good. Till he gets what he wants then he will show his true character.

It is a good thing to get married and have children. I love children, and it is the only thing that warms my heart when I think of marriage.

God time is the best if I meet a good man, not the pretentious mean ones. I just want my family and few friends to understand.

Great decision by you to focus on fundamentals rather than society pressure. That pressure will always be there,especially from family maybe even mum in particular.Never try to marry to satisfy society because during down moments, the same society will hardly be useful to you.

A few opinions though to correct some impression you have:

1) Man and woman were not created the same way, they are wired differently. It's natural instinct for man to want to be in charge,it's not a bad quality actually it's when it becomes obsessive that it loses its essence. So don't condemn men that try to display that instinct,why not try to unlearn the fallacy that men and women are equal. Because Lizard and Crocodile look alike doesn't make them equal.If not,men should be getting pregnant too and women should collectively start the type of hustle men put themselves through. It's not gonna happen.

2) Don't see being a vice or deputy as a bad thing.There can't be two captains in a ship or two drivers in a car. Be happy the way you are created as a lady and open your eyes well before accepting who to deputize for except ofcourse you want to lead your home while your husband takes the role of deputy. You have to both agree on that as only one person can lead while the other deputises, you could ask your husband to deputize for you no problem.

3) Finally try to humble yourself without losing your positive and strong qualities but don't ever think in your mind that you are equal to any man. You are not. Just enjoy your woman nature except you are a tomboy sha.

CaraJewel:
thats ok.if you already have someone

yaa rigth abou dah.
How u..?

Lifeislife:
If I was frustrated my brother I would have been married, I would have carted myself off, to someone years ago. I am just tired of this status quo.

Sometimes I wish, I was a man nobody would be given me this pressure. I would not be scared of my partner beating me(how many wives beat up husbands?). I will just continue being good in my job, and have only two duty, providing money and fucking. And make my partner do everything else cooking, washing, going to the market to buy the foodstuff, birthing the children, and if her vagina isn't tight enough after the 1st or 2nd month of her delivering the baby, find some young 20-23 year old girl, tight nice pussy to Bleep. Untill after a few months, and if I don't feel like paying for a nanny, I won't she should do all the housework, and raisimg the children by herself. I am the man of the house, I go out when I want. I come back when I want. If she starts to check through my phone and one way or the other find out I'm
cheating, and starts to announce it and complain to her family, and dare not stop when I tell her. I will give her slap and beat the stupidity and arrogance out of her. Woman I paid bride price for, I will kick her out of my house. There cannot be two captains in one ship. Its either she obeys me, no matter what I do or she goes and marries herself. Nonsense. Already she is not looking young, just three children her belly is big like bag of cocoyam. There are many other old women like her and young girls looking for husband. Desperate for marriage. Oh if only I was born male.

look at what u wish for urself....u are only deceiving urself...there can never be equality....IF don't know if u are a Christian just to say......are d angels equal to d Son.? there can only be fairness....this ur outlook will be put to test and rest few years from now

Khallyella:
Tbh, these days, it's not all about getting married that matters, sometimes, people get married cause of the pressure, if you really don't wanna get married(stayed tied to a man forever), just go for a contract marriage, get the number of kids you can take care of and y'all go separate ways, most of the men/guys nowadays are cheats, you can only pray to be the one who's got his heart and not just of the numerous d##k sharers(side-chics), not wanting to get married cause men are cheats is just like not wanting to be in a country where it doesn't rain, it rains everywhere but not everytime.

who is ready to do contract marriage with u.? here in Nigeria....only a foolish man will go public in Nigeria to do contract marriage except u want to be a baby mama where a guy can just fvckk u and u produce babies

Xway:
yaa rigth abou dah. How u..?

Good.you

Fourwinds:
who is ready to do contract marriage with u.? here in Nigeria....only a foolish man will go public in Nigeria to do contract marriage except u want to be a baby mama where a guy can just fvckk u and u produce babies

Your opinion.

Lifeislife:
Sometimes I wish, I was a man nobody would be given me this pressure. I would not be scared of my partner beating me(how many wives beat up husbands?). I will just continue being good in my job, and have only two duty, providing money and fucking. And make my partner do everything else cooking, washing, going to the market to buy the foodstuff, birthing the children, and if her vagina isn't tight enough after the 1st or 2nd month of her delivering the baby, find some young 20-23 year old girl, tight nice pussy to Bleep. Untill after a few months, and if I don't feel like paying for a nanny, I won't she should do all the housework, and raisimg the children by herself. I am the man of the house, I go out when I want. I come back when I want. If she starts to check through my phone and one way or the other find out I'm
cheating, and starts to announce it and complain to her family, and dare not stop when I tell her. I will give her slap and beat the stupidity and arrogance out of her.

Damn I hope you don't really mean this.
From your write up, it's clear you've had messed up past relationships. I sympathise with you on this, because the damage is more than you know.
You now have dangerous preconceived notions​ about men and marriage as as a whole. Though not entirely your fault, this is a huge problem.
The chances of you being happy in any marriage is slim my dear, until you erase this mindset.

Men and women have always had and will always have defined roles. While civilisation is merging some functions, with single parents or the modern 2 income families, a woman should regardless accept her roles.
Child bearing, home keeping, domestic chores, rather than seeing these as punishments ​, you need to reorient your mind to see them as responsibilities .

Most individuals condemn domestic abuse and not all marriages experience it. As someone already said, just because failed marriages are always on the news, doesn't mean all marriages fail or are prisons. It's the same way negative news spreads 10x faster than positive news. For every 1 failed marriage there are 5 other successful marriages.

To sum up, though I'm not a psychologist, I'm confident a huge factor why you are still single is because of your mindset, you seem to highlight all the negatives in marriage overshadowing the positives.

If all entrepreneurs used your system and weighed all the negatives(business risks)- the 1 million reasons why a business can fail, we wouldn't have the likes of Trump, Dangote & Opera.
They rather focused on the positives, so please make a list "20 reasons why marriage rocks" and focus on only these.

Khallyella:
Your opinion.

and u believe I'm d only with such opinion rite

From ur write up, u have made up ur mind to believe all the negative aspects of men in relationships and marriages. U have refused to see that there are good men.

I really have nothing to tell u.

[color=#990000][/color]

Lifeislife:
This is very interesting, contract marriage. I like the sound of this because I really want to have children. Thank you so much for this advice. I will research more about it.

You seem to me an interesting lady.... can I know you?

Fourwinds:
who is ready to do contract marriage with u.? here in Nigeria....only a foolish man will go public in Nigeria to do contract marriage except u want to be a baby mama where a guy can just fvckk u and u produce babies

Actually, there are men in Nigeria who are up for this kind of arrangement. If you want to call them foolish, because they do not share your values, that's your business. It's an honest and practical approach. Some reclusive individuals, or closeted homosexuals, or people who just want to live independent lives, for example may consider this to be a valid option.

RaggedyAnn:
Actually, there are men in Nigeria who are up for this kind of arrangement. If you want to call them foolish, because they do not share your values, that's your business. It's an honest and practical approach. Some reclusive individuals, or closeted homosexuals, or people who just want to live independent lives, for example may consider this to be a valid option.

heheheheheheeee....and Daddy die when they were born

cooldood:
Great decision by you to focus on fundamentals rather than society pressure. That pressure will always be there,especially from family maybe even mum in particular.Never try to marry to satisfy society because during down moments, the same society will hardly be useful to you.

A few opinions though to correct some impression you have:

1) Man and woman were not created the same way, they are wired differently. It's natural instinct for man to want to be in charge,it's not a bad quality actually it's when it becomes obsessive that it loses its essence. So don't condemn men that try to display that instinct,why not try to unlearn the fallacy that men and women are equal. Because Lizard and Crocodile look alike doesn't make them equal.If not,men should be getting pregnant too and women should collectively start the type of hustle men put themselves through. It's not gonna happen.

2) Don't see being a vice or deputy as a bad thing.There can't be two captains in a ship or two drivers in a car. Be happy the way you are created as a lady and open your eyes well before accepting who to deputize for except ofcourse you want to lead your home while your husband takes the role of deputy. You have to both agree on that as only one person can lead while the other deputises, you could ask your husband to deputize for you no problem.

3) Finally try to humble yourself without losing your positive and strong qualities but don't ever think in your mind that you are equal to any man. You are not. Just enjoy your woman nature except you are a tomboy sha.

Wise Words

Fourwinds:
and u believe I'm d only with such opinion rite

Stop slamming Khayella, she gave me a kind advise. With regards, to your above there are way many more mean men like you in the world, especially Nigeria.

kimbra:
You're just scared of ending up with the wrong person. Since you know there are "Few" good men, then keep your options open. Most men don't want women who have an air of arrogance. For me, the equal treatment should be in the both of you treating yourselves the way you've want to be treated and not in sharing some chores 50/50. Don't let society and some failed marriages be your parameter to judge other future marriage outcomes.

Stay optimistic!.

Thanks Kimbra. Yeah, there are good men out there.

Regarding arrogance, its obvious there is a fine line between arrogance and high self esteem. Which a lot of women and especially young girls lack in our clime, because they have been taught not to demand equality.

Yeah, there are a lot of good marriages. For every negative, there's a positive.

Happy weekend!

Fourwinds:
look at what u wish for urself....u are only deceiving urself...there can never be equality....IF don't know if u are a Christian just to say......are d angels equal to d Son.? there can only be fairness....this ur outlook will be put to test and rest few years from now

We must not forget that few males from the beginning of time, right from Adam and Eve have had not much concern for the welfare of females other than having sex with them, children, marrying. Even the bible is written by men, and of course they put thierselves first, thier ego first.
Most women in the bible where either chasing a man to marry her like Ruth, or looking up to a man to solve her problem.

It was okay for the righteous men to marry several wives and have many concubines. There were few holy men like Abraham that was content with one wife.

History has taught us that, once upon a time, that the below was culture and accepted norm, any woman that did not conform to it, was stigmatised and mocked in society and considered a shame, they were punished. Some of them were beaten, some were killed.

A WOMAN COULD NOT:
inherit property - England, and so many other places
vote in elections whatsover (women fought for the right to vote)
wear trousers
could not go to school, could not have an education
when her husband died the wife must be buried with her husband
cannot drive a car - modern day Saudi
women must be escorted by a male family member - modern-day-you-know-where
when her husband dies - the body of the husband is washed and the woman must drink the water - to prove she did not kill her husband ( the men never drink thier dead wife washed body when she dies) - Nigeria
a female (royal princess) could not rule, only the male (prince) could rule, if the King did not have a son it would pass on to another relative with a male -England, and many other places

The inequality goes on and on, there are so many things that happened that will seem absurd to you now. Males have always been selfush, insecure and intimidated by equality between them and females.

Some women were fine with it, some woman disliked I, but conformed to it because of the fear of being stigmatized which includes, no man will marry her, her family will be mocked, she would be abused, gossiped, hated. But some women of those times stood up against it, stood up for what they believed in. It was hard, some of those women were killed.

I'm sure a lot of women thought and saw them as arrogance.
But today, a lot of women around the world are enjoying the privilege.

Now there was some good men, a lot of good men that saw some pf the above mentioned as wrong, and fought, protested along with the women to demand change. There are still many good men.

Thankfully, the future is going to be a better place for females. Hundred years from now, in Nigeria which man will think he is under juju, or is doing he is wife a favour, when he washing plates, cooks, back the babybon his back while doing the housechores, goes to the market. It will be a normal thing as it ought to be. Only selfish males, and gutless females, would think that those duties are solely for the woman.

Oh, and more women will be answering thier maiden names even after marriage. And so many more wonderful changes.

Time is kind to change.

Lifeislife:
We must not forget that few males from the beginning of time, right from Adam and Eve have had not much concern for the welfare of females other than having sex with them, children, marrying. Even the bible is written by men, and of course they put thierselves first, thier ego first.
Most women in the bible where either chasing a man to marry her like Ruth, or looking up to a man to solve her problem.

It was okay for the righteous men to marry several wives and have many concubines. There were few holy men like Abraham that was content with one wife.

History has taught us that, once upon a time, that the below was culture and accepted norm, any woman that did not conform to it, was stigmatised and mocked in society and considered a shame, they were punished. Some of them were beaten, some were killed.

A WOMAN COULD NOT:
inherit property - England, and so many other places
vote in elections whatsover (women fought for the right to vote)
wear trousers
could not go to school, could not have an education
when her husband died the wife must be buried with her husband
cannot drive a car - modern day Saudi
women must be escorted by a male family member - modern-day-you-know-where
when her husband dies - the body of the husband is washed and the woman must drink the water - to prove she did not kill her husband ( the men never drink thier dead wife washed body when she dies) - Nigeria
a female (royal princess) could not rule, only the male (prince) could rule, if the King did not have a son it would pass on to another relative with a male -England, and many other places

The inequality goes on and on, there are so many things that happened that will seem absurd to you now. Males have always been selfush, insecure and intimidated by equality between them and females.

Some women were fine with it, some woman disliked I, but conformed to it because of the fear of being stigmatized which includes, no man will marry her, her family will be mocked, she would be abused, gossiped, hated. But some women of those times stood up against it, stood up for what they believed in. It was hard, some of those women were killed.

I'm sure a lot of women thought and saw them as arrogance.
But today, a lot of women around the world are enjoying the privilege.

Now there was some good men, a lot of good men that saw some pf the above mentioned as wrong, and fought, protested along with the women to demand change. There are still many good men.

Thankfully, the future is going to be a better place for females. Hundred years from now, in Nigeria which man will think he is under juju, or is doing he is wife a favour, when he washing plates, cooks, back the babybon his back while doing the housechores, goes to the market. It will be a normal thing as it ought to be. Only selfish males, and gutless females, would think that those duties are solely for the woman.

Oh, and more women will be answering thier maiden names even after marriage. And so many more wonderful changes.

Time is kind to change.

hmmmm....dream land

@ lifeislife / op

You repeat some things too much for me to be convinced you have moved on: "I have found peace" for example. Also, I think you focus too much on the negatives in a relationship. Relationships like life it's a rollacoster, there are ups and down, you will misstep and learn, you will get hurt, angry, happy, content etc at some point. Human beings will not change, they are not perfect, but they will keep trying, I think generally people try to be good. I think you should try to be a bit more balanced at how you look at relationships, although I don't blame you (too many of my married friends have one issue or another)

As for age, I think you should focus on finding who you are compatible with rather than rushing, else you will end up back here in nairaland looking silly and asking for advise from people that don't understand your situation.
Don't let pressure push you into regrets.

Just keep and open mind and if you find someone you really like the smiles at the jokes and pleasantries will come more natural.

Else you are gay and need to look for a chic on a lowkey