₦airaland Forum

Treasuredlove:
yeah I know we get really angry and I am not saying he doesn't get angry, but to the point of hitting? I mean...nah. The kind of episode the op witnessed just doesn't happen, it evolves over time. People should be emotionally mature for marriage...its not just a fad its a learning ground. I can bet you both of them were all lovey dovey and I heart you before and a few days, weeks or months, even years after they got married. Something started this episode whixh none of us o. This platform is aware of and how we deal with foundational issues matter a lot in the growth of a matriage

PaperLace:
When you marry _do what works for you and bear the consequences (good or bad).

PaperLace:
.

PaperLace:
I knew they'll come for me and I maintain my stand. Nigerian couples don't like to hear diplomacy. They don't like to hear one person would sometimes have to play a fool. How often you play a fool will tell if that marriage is healthy of not. I never supported the woman, but in a situation where one party errs _is the next thing violence? I guess my self-control meter is high, because looking back, my husband wonders how he got away with somethings he said.



Marriages will keep on failing with this do-me-i-do-you mentality. They marry for the wrong reasons, and still use the wrong techniques. Lord help this generation of couples.

Treasuredlove:
sorry to disillusion you, my husband has faced stuff like that cos he was raised among women but he never hit them....besides ours can't degenerate to that because of the kind of maturity and respect for himself he has portrayed with dealing with our issues so my respect for him stands. There is no justification for hitting a woman. Be the bigger one....walk away

tosyne2much:
I have also seen a case when a woman in my street broke a dish (plate) on the husband's head during a quarrel and the man was rushed to the hospital. The funniest was that this woman was not remorseful at all as she kept saying she would do more than that

magicfingers009:
You can imagine. Some feminist would still blame the man. Y did he bend his head? Why didn't he run? Why didn't he eat fufu when growing so that ordinary plate wouldn't be able to break his head? I thought he was a man?

Women are always quick to cry victim.

majekdom2:
why hasn't the woman walked away ? Why has it got to be a man first? Why hasn't the woman walked away so she won't have to be ambushed because she called him a pig. Why would a woman who called her husband a pig in the morning even go to church. It shows why Nigeria is what it is today. Hypocrisy

dicefrost:
I totally disagree with you. If there is no justification for a man hitting a woman, then there is no justification for a woman to verbally abuse a man. If he continues to walk away from the insult, it ll only be eating him up inside. I find it offensive that you tactfully excused the woman's madness and blame the man for not walking away. You are in effect saying that men should continuously endure domestic abuse because they are physically stronger? You think that a woman's words do not do emotional harm? Is it just the man who should be understanding and reasonable? Should the woman not learn to respect her head?

Afam4eva:
I have always maintained that women should not dish out what they don't want in return from men. Anyone woman that hits a man deserves same in return. The only grey area i see here is the juxtaposition between verbal and physical abuse. For instance, by popular wisdom, it's okaw for a woman to thoroughly and consistent verbally accuse her husband but not okay for a man to use his physical advantage because the latter can produce physical injuries while the former will not. I think emotional abuse is as bad or even worse than physical abuse. Some men's self esteem have left them and is currently chilling somewhere around Onitsha and we think it's okay? What is good is good for the gooose is good for the gander and i think a law should be passed to protect men that are being abused verbally.

That's not to say that we don't have inherently evil men who take out frustrations on their wives for no tangible reason. So, every issue of domestic violence should be judged based on it's merits.

dicefrost:
Usually, when I read tales of domestic violence, especially when i see a woman battered and bruised, i am quick to feel pity for her, and by default blame the man for being an 'animal'. I hate wife beaters with all my heart. But today's experience actually changed my view.

It started around 7a.m this sunday morning. My neighbor whose flat directly faces mine was washing his vehicle outside. I have never known him to be a violent man. He and his wife always argue and quarrel, but it has never been in the open. Just raised voices and exchanging unkind words. His wife walked in through the gate leading to the compound. As soon as she saw her husband, she started screaming, 'dirty man' 'pig' and some other obscenity in their local dialect. He was scolding the man for not wearing a slippers outdoors. He walking on water barefooted. The man told her to keep quiet and get him a slippers to put on. She continued on top of her voice. She insulted daylight out of the man. There was nothing this woman did not say, from the size of the man's joystick to the number of minutes he stays in the bedroom. Out of anger, the man poured the remaining water he was using to wash the car on her. She ran at him and gripped him by the collar almost choking him. At that point, myself and other neighbors who have been watching ran out to put an end to the fracas before it got out of hand. It took alot of pleading before she eventually let go and went inside. The man just stood there, i could tell that he was really embarrassed by the things his wife said. We advised him to be a man 'you know say na so women be na'.

Not up to 10 minutes later, the man started banging on the door to the house. His wife refused to let him in. She insisted that he must go and wash his feet thoroughly before entering the house, but there was no water outside anymore. The man shouted at her to bring water for him to wash up, but she kept insisting that there would have been water if he hadn't poured it on her. A shouting match ensued again, this woman continued her verbal assault. At about an hour later, when it was time to go to church, she came out all dressed, not knowing that her husband was around the corner. He came from nowhere and landed a slap on her cheeks. She swung her bag at him, and a piece of metal from the bag cut his Jaw. This man descended on his wife with series of slaps. She fought back violently. All the while i was observing through my window. She dipped her hand into the man's eye, and punched him several times. The man seemed to lose it completely and aimed a blow directly at her jaw. The woman screamed, next thing i saw was blood oozing out of her mouth. I ran out of my own apartment to calm things down. Behold she had lost two teeth. When we all came to separate them, the woman started wailing uncontrollably, saying that her husband has killed her. With the blood in her mouth and everything nobody even spared a thought for the man. I could see finger nail marks all over his face. His jaw was a bit swollen too.

I personally drove the woman to a nearby health center so they could clean her up. As we entered, we were greeted with questions 'wetin happen?' 'na accident'? She started crying and narrating how her husband wanted to kill her this morning because she insisted that 'he must wash his dirty legs before entering the house'. The Nurses there started berating men in general, with each person narrating different experiences of domestic violence they had encountered. They were all full of sympathy for her. It was the general assumption that the she married a devil as husband. I just sat there listening to them demonizing men and wondering. The husband even called me while at the health center to know if it was serious. He sounded really worried. He wanted to drive down to meet us. I just discouraged him from coming, because his wife has already made him out to be a devil here.

Whenever the story of domestic violence is told, it is only narrated from the woman's perspective. We often see her in tears, with bruises all over. She plays the victim, because she is the one that usually ends up with bruises, even if she may have delivered the first punch. We hardly hear the man's side of the story, we don't perceive his emotion, he hardly has any physical scars from the encounter, so we assume he wasn't hurt. He is always the violent one, because he won't let you know that a woman's words broke him, he won't gather a crowd a to tell his story.

I'm totally against domestic violence, whether physical or verbal. I believe two people who claim to love each other should be able to settle issues amicably with resorting to abusive language and physical confrontation. If your differences are irreconcilable, then end the damn marriage and let everyone go in peace. I think the real beast is the man that will descend on a woman at the smallest provocation. But as a woman, If you instigate a physical confrontation, either by words or action, make sure you win the fight that ensues.

Next time i read or hear about domestic violence, with a picture of a battered and bruised woman, i won't jump into the 'Men are beasts' wagon, not untill i know the full story.

PeacenLove2:
Well different strokes for different folks. We are all different, even couples and we manage stress differently. When we see what's bad, we should condemn it. While we can understand it, we should never condone it.

The wife is absolutely wrong to insult anybody let alone her husband. If they were having issues, even if the man is a pig, she is telling the world she is Mrs. Pig. The joke is on her! The man because his wife insulted him, locked him out of the house (we are not sure who's paying for), thinks he has the right to beat his wife up! That's way off! I wonder if he gets off the bus and fight with conductors who insult him. It's not a contest, a man will kill a woman easily, sometimes only a push. That's how evil thrives, it always takes two to tango. You don't beat a woman because she insulted you. You are her husband, not her daddy. If a man is as uncultured as the wife, let him insult her back. We keep getting remarks like, wives should respect her husband. Whatever happens to mutual respect? Whatever happens to self respect? No self-respecting person reduces himself to a wife beater. Let's just marry well and work towards human progress.

If you have a wife that's troublesome or you two aren't getting along, and there's exchange that aren't resolved at once, then it's time to put your options on the table. Let's talk peace in the house, let's talk reconciliation and if that cannot be achieved, then it may be time for separation. Like I said, better separate before you kill. To avoid this terrible thing divorce, know your partners well enough, know your thresholds, your values and ideals before you propose marriage. If they don't match, there will be problems. There is a lot of work to be done but the problem leans more towards the other side but not without the help of the other side.

nikkyshyne:
@evaberry easier said to walk away. Men are humans with blood running thru their veins and can get physical when pushed to the wall. They are known to have ego. Woe betide the person who tries to tarnish that image. Bottom line, it only takes the grace of God.

explicite:
I read tru all your comments and contributions... and ... I just want to ask,
1. In your own opinion, what do u think the husband in the OP's story should ve done?
2. You ve experienced spousal verbal abuse 1st hand, compare how u felt all those times to what this guy should be feeling afin front of his neighbors and tell us how you would have handled it differently.

let's learn from you. .
thanks

Treasuredlove:
your point about murder and self defence doesn't stand. In self defence, a person's life is being threatened and there is no escape hence the killing, but in a relationship like what the op stated, there are loads of choices....walk away, ignore, divorce etc to name a few. There is no justification for hitting the woman. The op said the main was waiting at a corner to ambush her on her way to church. He was waiting....while waiting...he had a lot of choices to choose from

Evaberry:
very few men are victims of domestic violence. Women always bear the brunt of a man's anger


No matter what a woman says or does, a man should never hit her, a man is physically stronger than a woman so hitting her will inflict serious physical damage, whereas a woman may not cause any real harm to a man.

Op the husband in your write Up should have quietly left the compound and go relax somewhere until he was sure his wife had calmed down. when a woman is angry she throws all reason and caution to the wind, it therefore falls on the man to be understanding and reasonable


Engaging in a fisticuffs with a woman is wrong and should be condemned.

freshvine:
He was locked out of his own house. Guess his rage was building up cos of the unending embarrassment

PaperLace:
Thanks for being civil.
Just what I did, ignore and talk when tempers are calm. This I started right from time, not when we have both degenerated into mad people. We didn't degenerate into mad people, because I stopped indulging him. If I had indulged him like this woman's husband, we would have gotten to the point they are.

This two people are intolerant and none is ready to play the fool. I know how this works in marriage. It's different from the epistle some people are typing about. If you follow that story, you would have seen the point where this all would have ended, but EGO got in the way. That EGO is what's killing marriages today. At that point she locked him out, following actions set the ball rolling. I would have simply thanked you for opening the door and enter.

How I felt? I felt bad, I felt like dishing out one or two slaps _but I thought of its consequences and refrained. I remembered he isn't bad, he just doesn't know how to keep his expressions in check when angry.

I understand we all can't be the same, you all should do what works for you. People are different _thus Marriages are different, but there are things every marriage needs, wisdom and tolerance.

dicefrost:
I totally disagree with you. If there is no justification for a man hitting a woman, then there is no justification for a woman to verbally abuse a man. If he continues to walk away from the insult, it ll only be eating him up inside. I find it offensive that you tactfully excused the woman's madness and blame the man for not walking away. You are in effect saying that men should continuously endure domestic abuse because they are physically stronger? You think that a woman's words do not do emotional harm? Is it just the man who should be understanding and reasonable? Should the woman not learn to respect her head?

majekdom2:
you and your hubby needs to host a show sometime to help other couples. Don't you think

PaperLace:
I wonder why you find it so hard to give up,even when it's obvious I have ignored you _you must have the last laugh. I hope you're not like this in reality. No wonder you find it hard to believe some of us don't have that strength to keep up with tantrums.

You'll still reply again, or quote one not directed to you. This is the attitude some of you carry into marriage and wonder why you fight each other.

PaperLace:
Thanks for being civil.
Just what I did, ignore and talk when tempers are calm. This I started right from time, not when we have both degenerated into mad people. We didn't degenerate into mad people, because I stopped indulging him. If I had indulged him like this woman's husband, we would have gotten to the point they are.

This two people are intolerant and none is ready to play the fool. I know how this works in marriage. It's different from the epistle some people are typing about. If you follow that story, you would have seen the point where this all would have ended, but EGO got in the way. That EGO is what's killing marriages today. At that point she locked him out, following actions set the ball rolling. I would have simply thanked you for opening the door and enter.

How I felt? I felt bad, I felt like dishing out one or two slaps _but I thought of its consequences and refrained. I remembered he isn't bad, he just doesn't know how to keep his expressions in check when angry.

I understand we all can't be the same, you all should do what works for you. People are different _thus Marriages are different, but there are things every marriage needs, wisdom and tolerance.

sisisioge:
Abi o, and now she has lost two teeth. A permanent disfigure. Each time he kisses her and his tongue is able to escape through the gap created , he would wish he had kept himself in check.

On the upside, the mouthy woman has learnt her lesson. Ceramic teeth isn't the same as our natural teeth. Nothing is as good a reminder of the fear of God as the woulda-been seen in mirrors. O ma se o

PaperLace:
Thanks for being civil.
Just what I did, ignore and talk when tempers are calm. This I started right from time, not when we have both degenerated into mad people. We didn't degenerate into mad people, because I stopped indulging him. If I had indulged him like this woman's husband, we would have gotten to the point they are.

This two people are intolerant and none is ready to play the fool. I know how this works in marriage. It's different from the epistle some people are typing about. If you follow that story, you would have seen the point where this all would have ended, but EGO got in the way. That EGO is what's killing marriages today. At that point she locked him out, following actions set the ball rolling. I would have simply thanked you for opening the door and enter.

How I felt? I felt bad, I felt like dishing out one or two slaps _but I thought of its consequences and refrained. I remembered he isn't bad, he just doesn't know how to keep his expressions in check when angry.

I understand we all can't be the same, you all should do what works for you. People are different _thus Marriages are different, but there are things every marriage needs, wisdom and tolerance.

Luisema4luv:
Nne pls wat happened to una gender equality, simply learn to keep ur mouth shut if u knw it will warant provocation in a marriage nd watch hw d world will b a beta place. Nobody needs to claim bigger anytin

freshvine:
He was locked out of his own house. Guess his rage was building up cos of the unending embarrassment

myking95:
The solution is pale. Don't take such women serious. Every man should have his life planned out, know what he wants and have the balls to kick out any woman who stands in his way.
First of all, never marry a karashika. If she has those spiritual nonsense, carry her to church and drop her there. Its not your cross to carry.
Get your freedom through your finance. Never ever make any stupid sacrifices for her. Above all, know and love God and be smart enough not to be bitter with her. Just accept that she has chosen her path, and you will not be dragged into it.

Treasuredlove:
their house not his own house. Their house. Hmmm...people who support this beating should not sha try to go and stay in a country like America o. Me I ayam tired of arguing o....