₦airaland Forum

ashjay001:
Guy, not all marriages work with plans.


Nigerian ladies, have ds mentality, of getting married at all cost. To achieve this, some will willingly swallow a toad whole. After d marriage, d stories that touch, will start.


U can only truly know d woman u married, after d marriage itself. Pple rarely, change their innate character.


Like op here, her hubby, probably married her cos, he was getting away with sh*t during courtship. Now, she's standing up to him, he's probably one surprised nigga. Wondering how he missed this part of her


Keep ur plans, till after marriage. Immediately, we chose d date, my/our plan/s went awry(plans, she agreed to, in writing)

Have u asked ur betrothed, her plans? Have u compared plans? Does she key into urs?

Marriage is a very humbling experience. Just avoid marrying someone petty n don't be petty too! If u both can see d bigger picture, things will pan out.

Zykod:
In life, things hardly go along to plan. This is a creed i hold close to my chest. This is not about planning how marriage will be, but financial planning within the marriage. The other areas is left for the Lord and who knows, but for financial aspect, i believe many marriages have strains due to a lack of financial planning and planning ahead in this department will reduce if not 30% of issues that affects the/a marriage....

May God help us, marriage is something i've been shying away from, and have refused to open up to, but the moment is here, running away can no longer help matters...


Thanks for the advice

ashjay001:
Its a rite of passage into full maturity. Few have d mentality, to do away with it, totally.


To each, his own. Hope u attain great success, in all ur endeavours.

MizMyColi:
You seem an industrious one.

I don't like that the little one does not go to school yet.

Instead of fighting for possessions, why don't you focus on making more money, looking for other ways to fend for yourself and the little one, and doing stuff that makes you happy.

Do you have somewhere you can go to and comfortably live should he decide that you leave?

If he keeps regurgitating that rhetoric, how about involving immediate family members?

Meanwhile, there is something I wish to bring to your attention...
It is your state of mind.

From what I read, it seems that you have given up on him and your mind focuses a lot on the big day of separation when you will finally leave him and have a shot at starting your own life.

Would it be too much if I request that you shift your perspective to something more positive and all encompassing?

Can you do that for the sake of the little one?

It is a simple law of the universe that whatever you allow your mind focus on for so long is what you attract.

So Sis...

Don't mind that this is a public forum.
You should picture me sit with you, and with a deep expression of concern and love for you; I ask....

What do you really want?
What do you want?

Do you want him to keep behaving that way and perhaps one day, he injures you, and you still end up leaving?

Do you like that you are so bitter and judgemental at him?

Do you like that the love between two of you has grown to become bitter resentment and hate?

Do you like that you are not happy?

These questions I ask should help you arrive at a decision on what it is you truly, truly desire.

If I were in your shoes, my first priority would be to feel good, and always happy, no matter the unrepentant douchebag I live with.

Another priority would be to enrol my child in a school I can afford, or wish to afford.

Other things may follow.


If you rid your mind of negativity, and focus more on loving yourself and your child....while forgiving your husband and wishing him well, and then applying a bit of patience, and WISDOM....

I see no reason why your marriage should not be happy.

Point is, are you willing?

It is easier to love than to hate, but for some sick reason, we humans somehow prefer hate and all that load of negativity.

Choice is yours..

Greetings. I love you ma

Laeroy:
This has also been the major cause of our disagreement, infact it was exactly what caused yesterday's, Conflict, I simply told him to go Starch the clothes he went to pick up himself, the next he said was, it was my job to do it and not his and that infact, he created the laundry business for feeding purposes and since I don't have a job I should be in charge of it.....The work of starching isn't easy not to talk of ironing.......Just this morning I have ironed one Ghana must go full of clothes , but he was in the room pressing phone and chatting himself away......

I have always challenged him it's our both duties to do the laundry work.......Starching and ironing shouldn't be left for me alone...but I noticed He doesn't like starching at all,
my major Fuss bout it all is dat he wakes every morning and press phone....while I wake earlier before him to run the house chores before doing laundry work...


Last year when I was into Laundry, and side income jobs......I worked myself thin just to ensuring I make ends meet....... Sincerely if it wasn't for my contributions (I'm not praising myself) , his families would think i probably brought bad luck to him....But I keep patching things up just to cover up for him......

Sometimes I feel like just closing up the laundry business and just fold my arms doing nothing, but the truth is I can't help it, My baby will definitely suffer for it.....

Laeroy:
So I decided to do all that everyone advised,,but I don't feel happy, I'm down casted and unhappy, but it's okay, I have guess this is wat life has to offer and throw at me..nh

Zykod:
Why are you downcasted? Why are you unhappy? What is the issue?

Laeroy:
I've been doing lots of spendings lately, the inflow of cash is nothing compared to the outflow,,....with my mind also racing back to the thought dat i might have conceived (this is not sure yet), if True, wondering how I'll cope with pregnancy and d job put together,,...

These has been the causing of my never ending depression .

Zykod:
Can we talk outside this medium ?

Oyindidi:
Tell him to create a thread on Nairaland, I'm interested in his own version of this whole issue. Truth be told, you are a self-centered person. Judging from your post here. Work on yourself too as you intend to control him as he is contributing little for the family's upkeep.

Remix10:
The role of the woman in the life of a man can be liken to that of the heart to the body.. Both are useless without the other and the heart is most important only in the body..everybody sees and admires only the body but not the heart.. The body most times does what causes injury to the heart but that does not stop it from performing it's lifelong duty of pumping life the body.. Stay blessed.. Am a man

iamloyalty:
Op, u aren't self-centred my dear, just because some people use use juju to control their husband they think they know it all. Just ignore them.

Laeroy:
We've just had a round table talk, i'll give u updates later, I love my husband so much just incase u don't know, but when my Security in his house is threatened, Its definitely not out of place when I begin to restrategize.........
But after tonight's discussion, using a subtle tone unlike Yesterday morning's rant, I'm able to view things from a different perspective....

More updates later...

iamloyalty:
Op, u aren't self-centred my dear, just because some people use use juju to control their husband they think they know it all. Just ignore them.

Oyindidi:
I wonder how a mother can sit back and watch her child stay out of school. Everything I earn is for my son. I am working for my son, his happiness is my gain.

Op, needs to be humble. The husband is really trying to be with a self-centered woman like her.

truthsayer009:
You don't need a share of his possessions. You do can well without him.
One thing you can do is to be RADICAL about it, Sell them off without his knowledge & say you did it cuz of your child's school. At this point you need to do something to survive.

Please don't listen to people telling you to find marriage counselor or Pastor. Who has time for that Rubbish?
Someone threaten you to leave his house wants to bring someone in for sure.
Since you have 450k, Please start looking for what to invest in. Don't go and rent a house with the money oh.

In conclusion, Please do the needful ASAP.
Even though we haven't heard from your Husband's side. I want to believe what you are saying is True.

eniolorunfe:
Hi dear,

I usually like to mind my business...lol but, on reading this, I just feel I need to draw your attention to some things, as I can relate to some of the things you wrote above, having been married for several years now and also from observing other people's marriages.

Money has a way of making one lose value in the sight of others when one doesn't have it but, the truth of the matter is, the value of an individual goes beyond how much he has in his pocket at a particular time. Your husband is losing value in your sight, because of the present financial challenges hence, making you lose RESPECT for him.

You need to remind yourself of the value you saw in him that made you marry him and also leave your job and relocate to where he stays. For instance, from reading your write up, I can see that he is a good planner and by implementing his plan you are already running a laundry business which is profitable. If this is well harnessed, you will be surprised at how much you can do together as each person focuses on the strength of the other.

Also, a man doesn't need/want another man in his house else, he would have married his best friend. A woman's strength lies in her softness not GRA GRA because that is what attracted him to you in the first place. You need to calm down!!! Your husband his not your rival or competitor. You are both a team working together to better each other and your children's lives.

Look to God to reward you for the sacrifices you are making for your home. HE has a way of blessing you when you least expect it, when you do it in obedience to Him knowing that marriage is his idea.

If my mother waited for my father to sponsor the children's education, my siblings and I will all be illiterates today. In the long run, it doesn't matter who gets the job done as long as it is done! Enroll your child in a school that you can afford without unsettling your home. Do whatever you need to do without expecting your husband's input and you will become invaluable to him. I can't promise you that he will eventually meet you where you want to be met but, you will start to gain his RESPECT which is what you need to stop all his threats.

Shalom!

Laeroy:
@ Everyone who has advised me about this pending doom or disaster, I Say thank you so much......I have learnt one or two things from the advices Given.......I'll work on getting my child to school and leave the rest for God
......Thanks so much once again for taking time out of your busy schedules to answering my questions......
It's my prayer that God blesses every one of us beyond our expectations......

Shalom...

Laeroy:
Exactly my thoughts......I do not have a problem assisting the home with my finances, the problem I have with him is his incessant threats,

Yes he carries me along his plans and everything, but dat one Na for mouth.......After one small fight as usual, the next utterance is, If u can't work according to my plans, it's The usual phrase, Leave and go, I can't count the number of times I have knelt and begged him about it, I also remembered while I was p pregnant with my child, I was idle and this same man starved me for several weeks just becos I didn't ask him money for food.....I cried out to my friends and dey all came out to support me...


U think If i had a major contribution on the possessions he has, he will be threatening me Everytime,No He won't dare try dat with me..


So this morning he said I'm being proud and rude to him becos of the shikini money I have, we have always had same argument even when I didn't have 1 naira, I don't even consider what I have Money, as money is bound to finish with time, what I hate bout men is always blackmailing u cheaply and always wanting women to always be at their mercy.....I hate it....Call it ego or whatever....I'll rather walk away dan stay around a man who wants me to always be at his mercy.....ill rather drink garri and have my self respect or even die dan beg for crumbs like Lazarus and the rich man....

Zykod:
Obviously, youdidn't read her comments you just rushed to type. Nah, on this one you're wrong

Zykod:
Obviously, youdidn't read her comments you just rushed to type. Nah, on this one you're wrong

Zykod:
You are not seeing it the way it's happening. I'm a man let me explain, the man doesn't give two hoots about the daughter, he also cares less about the family.

The man is all about the money, he wants the woman to make the money, give to him and he'll do what he wants to do, anything less than this is a NO-NO for him. He can't afford the woman making decisions and ascribes it as pride, the woman may be willing to work with him, but he wants none of it.


I've seen this kinds before, they want to be the one dishing out goodies at all time and won't settle for being a beneficiary of anyone's goodies, she married a man who needs some psychological re-adjustment if the home will stand. Little wonder why single lades are not taking some of serious. If i have a wife that can bring something to the table,i'll gladly accept it, call her to the dining table, and discuss, this and that is the way forward this is what's gonna happen.

I'm too-rich for now, but you take the lead, while i go hustle, but na lie, the pride-demon in him will not let him to the right thing, she should be helpless while he should be the one doing the sepnding is his fixated ideology about marriage. This woman here has no issue oh, her hands are clean, its the man that needs to grow up..


Not a prophet of doom, but the only way this woman can enjoy her marriage is only if the man earns more money, which wont happen, no be curse, God seeing and knowing the kind of man he is will bless this woman more and more, and more. She will keep earning more and more than him, and if he can't deal with it, it's going to create more tension between them....Divorce is not the case here, i suggest oP settles for a long term rocky relationship. This is not a happy union obviously....She married a wrong man.


Give me a woman that earns more than me, and i'll happily pull my chair saw woman kneel down, pray for her to continue to earn more, ask her to make me chicken peppersoup every night, while i hustle, i'll enjoy her success without envying it. Marriage is not a battle ground. Competiton creates strife even in marriage, the both genders are meant to complement one another and not try to kill one another in the name of you earn more than me and i can't take it. God give me a millionaire wife, i will gladly accept it, as long as it comes with humility, submissiveness and Godliness...

arent88:
oga keep urging her on with your toxic advice I hope when they finally divorce u would marry her.

MrBottle:
He asked you to resign so that you will be at his mercy. Psychological imbalance. Do whatever you want to do but never allow the grass (child) to suffer in the process.

Mznaett:
Lwkmd

Madam please change your ideology before you'll be thrown out of "your husband's" house o

ashjay001:
Guy, not all marriages work with plans.


Nigerian ladies, have ds mentality, of getting married at all cost. To achieve this, some will willingly swallow a toad whole. After d marriage, d stories that touch, will start.


U can only truly know d woman u married, after d marriage itself. Pple rarely, change their innate character.


Like op here, her hubby, probably married her cos, he was getting away with sh*t during courtship. Now, she's standing up to him, he's probably one surprised nigga. Wondering how he missed this part of her


Keep ur plans, till after marriage. Immediately, we chose d date, my/our plan/s went awry(plans, she agreed to, in writing)

Have u asked ur betrothed, her plans? Have u compared plans? Does she key into urs?

Marriage is a very humbling experience. Just avoid marrying someone petty n don't be petty too! If u both can see d bigger picture, things will pan out.

Zykod:
Team " men can never be wrong ", when you marry, sit down and p[ress phone while your wfe shoulders much of the responsibilities in bringing income to the home...Yeye