₦airaland Forum

UrennaNkoli:
thanks dear. We are however independent now. I sincerely hope future generations don't go what I went through. And as for the good terms part, they used to have disagreements alot during the 90's straight into the mid 2000's. And as for my lil bro, he himself is strong headed. He's even planning a court marriage if things dont go as planned.

You will need to be actively suppressing this part of you. Believe it or not they rubbed off on you and it will rear its ugly head once every while...these things have a way of being almost genetic. Learn to keep it under control and with God you'll succeed.

Shroud:
He's a super dad, believe me.

super ？ well, i'm not comfortable staying around him even till now.

temmypotter:
Woah, stuff like this really happens? all I can say is Thank God for your life.. in the western world, some one with such a background might prolly end up as a psychotic Serial rapist/murderer. it's the most common backstory for serial killers over there.

Yeah, we're tough like that.

UrennaNkoli:
Well I'm over into my 30's, independent and not doing bad. So lets get straight to the story and mind you, its a true life story and all I say here is God's honest truth. Growing up was really tough for me and my brother but to be honest, my brother suffered more than I did so I'll emphasize more on him.

The kind of dad we had was more like a dictator. Life in that house was highly regimented. We were hardly allowed to go out or mingle with friends. This really affected us later in life as we ended up becoming introverts. My brother dared not be caught playing football or playing playstation 1 in the game house, he'll be severely dealt with. Our dad expected us to be with our books 24/7 which was near impossible. He dictated the kind of cloths my brother wear. My brother even flared up for our dad one day because he asked him to cut off his afro hair and his goatee beards. Sometime around 2008, he refused to give him pocket money to the university after they had a fight that morning because dad told him to surrender all his phones and laptop and take one visaphone to school instead. This resulted in an heated arguement which escalated to physical fight. I was there, dad who is naturally very aggresive and behaves like a lunatic hit lil bro first. The guy just stood still looking at dad and suprisingly, he never returned any punch. He was even asked to raise his hands and kneel as punishment. As if all these weren't shocking enough, lil bro was about 21 yrs of age at that time and all this was caused by the woman we call mother whose story I'll talk about later too.

Constantly, we were always embarassed in front of visitors. We dared not go out whenever a visitor was around else we'll be sent to get or do something after which dad must find a fault in it when what you did was obviously faultless. This will be folllowed by a rain of insults and verbal abuses to the extent that the visitor will even be pleading on our behalf. Dad did several things that made us question his psychological condition part of which I will list below.

1. He has his own masters bedroom which contained a washing machine. He can leave cloths in the washing machine and go to work without telling us anything. When he comes back, he start raining insults on me asking why I didn't finish up his cloths for him as if he was expecting us to use magic to know that there was cloths in there. So basically, he can leave a task and go out while expecting you to complete that task without telling you he left a task behind.
Even when you travel, they will never call you. Rather they'll expect you thats on transit to call them that you've arrived. If you don't call for months, they will never call to ask about your welfare whether you were sick or dead. They'll rather start raining insults on you for refusing to give them a call then I'm always left to ponder, since you dindn't hear from me why didnt you make any effort to reach me? what if there was something wrong from my own side. Their excuse was that anytime I called, I called only to ask for money.

2. I remember when we packed into our new house around 2009, the fence of that house collapsed one day due to heavy rainfall. The next day, he asked some bricklayers to come check the house and he told us to count the blocks they'll be bringing. That was all he said, count the blocks which we did. Lo and behold, he still came back from office to find a fault in what we did, raining insults on us and telling us how dumb we were because we failed to separate 9inches block from 6 inches block lol . For crying out loud, how was he expecting us to know? funny enough he didn't even give any instruction before he left.

3. So many encounters and bullshìts space and time will not permit to list them all but all these mess got my brother fed up as he left the house late 2009 and never returned till the following year. Funny enough, dad /mom weren't even concerned. They didn't even bother to look for him. He came back briefly after some 3 months to say hi to me and packed his load for good. TILL TODAY, HE NEVER RETURNED TO THAT HOUSE.

The Woman We Called Mom
This woman always supported dad whether he was right or wrong. To be honest, I never liked her one bit and I always felt bitter about it when I saw my peer groups and their everlasting bond with their own mom. They loved their mom like Gold but mine was a different story. She was stingy, she didn't know how to keep her mouth shut thats why I dreaded telling her any secret. She was someone that found it difficult sending me ordinary 2000 naira while in the university but if she hears there is a party tomorrow and she is to contribute 60k, she will look for that money. Honeslty, dad payed most of bills but this woman contributed nothing. She was earning close to 100k at that time and I've always wondered what she uses her salary for. She found it difficult keeping secrets, she must alow the whole world know. When I gained admission into the university, the whole world knew. When I graduated, the whole world knew. her friend even wrote a letter to her one day cautioning her about how she runs her mouth like tap. And mind you, she was very lazy. She'll rather sit in the living room watching africa magic than cooking for the family. She left everything to me. When I travelled, the whole house was in a mess. She didn't even bother to waah the bathroom and toilets or weeks as it was already turning brown. My brother before he left them wasn't close to her at all. They can be in the sitting room from morning till night together without exchanging a word. I don't blame him though, I blame the kind of parent we had. I pray my kids never go through all this. Dude is interested in bringing a wife home soon. I can't wait for the drama to unfold lol. He categorically called me and said If they accept fine and if they don't, he go on with his wedding. Even if na only 5 people attend, mariage na marriage.

Similar parents but urs is worse..my dad is a dictator.. u dare not challenge him.. whatever he says is right even if it's very wrong.. he always wants the best for himself and doesn't care if you don't get anything especially when it comes to food.. my sisters dare not go near the gate. Always locked inside and i hated that cos they need to be exposed... but despite all these the man dey try for us sha especially when it comes to me .. i get more favours compared to my siblings.. and in recent years my brothers and i have grown so big that we now challenge him everytime.. he fight backs reminding us on how he is the God we can visibly see but now he's tired cos we stubborn die and we never relented on challenging him no matter what he did to punish us then.

My mum on the other hand is not stingy.. always give no matter how little she has (especially to outsiders) but sometimes can go a whole year without giving me her son a thing just to punish me.. the similar thing btw ur mum and mine is that she always support my dad when he is terrorising us instead of making peace.. infact she makes sure she adds more petrol to the fire and she never keeps a secret.. tell her secret something this minute and the next minute she will tell the whole world including my dad that may later query us for that secret.. for this reason we especially the boys never talk anyhow especially while at home.. while the girls till this moment are still learning on how to keep their mouth shut, it's harder for them cos girls like running their mouth

I think one thing our parent lack is that they don't know affection goes a long way in the life of their wards... My dad will rather show affection to people outside d family than his own children..
Will you believe if I tell you that at 22 I still fidget when I want to talk to him... I always see him as a total stranger.. He has two cars and I don't even know how to ignite a car not until a friend taught me... The worst of it all, which I really need advice from u nairalanders is that I just gained admission for my HND program in an institution which is not far from our house and he refuse to let me get an hostel, he said I will be going to school everyday from house which I really don't like because it will curb me from engaging in any social activities in school.. I even accepted because If I refuse there will be no one to sponsor me.. And My mum isn't financially buoyant to sort that out.. Recently, I asked him for just 8,000 to do my registration and all he said is "I don't have money now ooo" Imagine, who does dat, the way he even said it was so annoying, even if he doesn't have the money at that moment there are so many ways he can say it... Pls nairalanders what should I do about it, because I'm getting fed up each and everyday.... And I don't want to engage myself in internet scam which has bn the trend among we youth to get money... My dad is the worst dad ever... He never show us love although deep down I know he do even if not much....

wittyt98:
lol ...all I can say is FVCK MY DAD, HE'S THE MOST USELESS DAD EVER.

ONLY THING I Can thank him for is the fact that he brought me to this beautiful world of wonders aside that he's a total waste man

Laf catch me sha

munas:
I was raise under sam circumstances by an elder bro.
Till date we dont really relate well and he is currently having issues with his children too.
No bond...no relationships...low self esteem due to verbal and physical abuse over the years

Just so sad the man may have a lonely old age

this is what Is happening to me, I stay with my elder brother cos my parents has long passed away, his mouth has power to destroy someone's career. he refused to sent me to school with his nasty excuse that I didnt want to go. I slave for him but get no complements, every night I cry wishing my parents were around, neighbors see me as saddist but they will never understand, I never have friends, my classmates doesn't visit me, there is no likeness between d two of us, I recently I got a job, d pay is OK and all I want to do is save some money and look for an apartment, so that I can think well and know what to do with my life. staying with my brother was a mistake I couldn't avoid. he used his mouth to kill me thousand times that most times I question my relationship with him, and I don't think i will ever visit him if I eventually leaves

Bro if what u narrated is all, then ur was a child's play, atleast he trained u through school, gives u money or buy u clothings. My brother I never wore any cloth bought by dad, him giving u money is like expecting a teeth from a bird, I went through jss 1, 2 and 3 without a note book yet I was staying with my dad, in my third year in school when things were tough, I was like let me give it a trial but was disappointed. He has over 18 kids from different women but am the only graduate, ur guess is as gud as mine.

jbrodaly:
This is a peculiar situation to developing countries like Nigeria. It is why they are backward because they destroy their children. No one who grows up in such environment will be close to his parents. I know many who suffered the same and they walked away. This is because the parents usually don't stop this harassment. They keep doing it even when their kids are grownup and have their kids. My own opinion is that for protection sake I may have to stay away from them for a while. It is complicated but one has to act safe.

It's not really peculiar to Nigeria. A lot of stories like this in the U.S. Contractual agreement wouldn't let me divulge specific details but I've edited books for at least 4 people in the U.S who had crappy parents. Especially the Mums. Most times though, either one of the parent is battling with some form of mental illness.

One example that i can point to and is easily verifiable is Aisha Tyson's book "How i retired at 26." (see the cover picture below)
I do agree though that it's a big problem in Nigeria. Hopefully our own generation having experienced a parenting style to not adopt for a child duly learn and treat our own children better.

Femsyn:
First, you must know that the scenarios you painted are not peculiar to your family alone. Nigerian families have their peculiarities, save for one or two differences.

That said, I would advise your brother not to go ahead with his wedding without their presence. The reason is not for today, but for tomorrow, plus the kind of impression he will give his would be in-laws about his family and indeed himself. This can be used against him in the future. Note that this doesn't necessarily erase his opinion about your parents. Its for his own good.

Finally, like I said before, what you guys went through isn't new. Just persevere until you can be independent and if this will count for anything, I'm particularly glad your parents are in good terms.

Shalom.

I understand your emotions but you have to live through this to understand OP. I have a terrible mother whom I've vowed never to set my eyes on for the rest of our lives. People who have loving parents will never understand people who hate their parents. You just have to live it to know.

gloria34:
mine was bad but alot better than urs. never grew up with dad cause he was abusive( both emotional and physical), a womanizer (got married to six women), drinks a lot etc. grew up with my step dad, d guy is good but mum was really strict. beating on every little crime, disgrace u in presence of visitors, never allow u go out( even to a friend's bday party), only church activities are allowed. but in other aspects, she loved us. was caring to d best of her abilities and supported me at a time when I least expected it. I just love her. let ur brother talk to them about d Marriage, if dey refuse, he should go ahead. I can't expect much from such parents anyway

in as much as you are a woman, you need to put yourself into the shoes of your mom, having a former husband that is abusive and she knows the kind of pain she went through with him both physically and mentally so she is in her own way trying as much as possible to ensure that you did not end up with a man like that. but one thing i like about your statement was that she loved you and it is just the love she has for you all this while but she felt she cannot afford to have failed in marriage and fail again in bringing you up wayward thus she 'hid' her loving and soft side to bring you up first and latter she started showing you the love in small dose. try to understand and appreciate her that today you are in a loving marriage (if you are married) as you cannot deny the facts that she did not influence you a bit

UrennaNkoli:
Well I'm over into my 30's, independent and not doing bad. So lets get straight to the story and mind you, its a true life story and all I say here is God's honest truth. Growing up was really tough for me and my brother but to be honest, my brother suffered more than I did so I'll emphasize more on him.

The kind of dad we had was more like a dictator. Life in that house was highly regimented. We were hardly allowed to go out or mingle with friends. This really affected us later in life as we ended up becoming introverts. My brother dared not be caught playing football or playing playstation 1 in the game house, he'll be severely dealt with. Our dad expected us to be with our books 24/7 which was near impossible. He dictated the kind of cloths my brother wear. My brother even flared up for our dad one day because he asked him to cut off his afro hair and his goatee beards. Sometime around 2008, he refused to give him pocket money to the university after they had a fight that morning because dad told him to surrender all his phones and laptop and take one visaphone to school instead. This resulted in an heated arguement which escalated to physical fight. I was there, dad who is naturally very aggresive and behaves like a lunatic hit lil bro first. The guy just stood still looking at dad and suprisingly, he never returned any punch. He was even asked to raise his hands and kneel as punishment. As if all these weren't shocking enough, lil bro was about 21 yrs of age at that time and all this was caused by the woman we call mother whose story I'll talk about later too.

Constantly, we were always embarassed in front of visitors. We dared not go out whenever a visitor was around else we'll be sent to get or do something after which dad must find a fault in it when what you did was obviously faultless. This will be folllowed by a rain of insults and verbal abuses to the extent that the visitor will even be pleading on our behalf. Dad did several things that made us question his psychological condition part of which I will list below.

1. He has his own masters bedroom which contained a washing machine. He can leave cloths in the washing machine and go to work without telling us anything. When he comes back, he start raining insults on me asking why I didn't finish up his cloths for him as if he was expecting us to use magic to know that there was cloths in there. So basically, he can leave a task and go out while expecting you to complete that task without telling you he left a task behind.
Even when you travel, they will never call you. Rather they'll expect you thats on transit to call them that you've arrived. If you don't call for months, they will never call to ask about your welfare whether you were sick or dead. They'll rather start raining insults on you for refusing to give them a call then I'm always left to ponder, since you dindn't hear from me why didnt you make any effort to reach me? what if there was something wrong from my own side. Their excuse was that anytime I called, I called only to ask for money.

2. I remember when we packed into our new house around 2009, the fence of that house collapsed one day due to heavy rainfall. The next day, he asked some bricklayers to come check the house and he told us to count the blocks they'll be bringing. That was all he said, count the blocks which we did. Lo and behold, he still came back from office to find a fault in what we did, raining insults on us and telling us how dumb we were because we failed to separate 9inches block from 6 inches block lol . For crying out loud, how was he expecting us to know? funny enough he didn't even give any instruction before he left.

3. So many encounters and bullshìts space and time will not permit to list them all but all these mess got my brother fed up as he left the house late 2009 and never returned till the following year. Funny enough, dad /mom weren't even concerned. They didn't even bother to look for him. He came back briefly after some 3 months to say hi to me and packed his load for good. TILL TODAY, HE NEVER RETURNED TO THAT HOUSE.

The Woman We Called Mom
This woman always supported dad whether he was right or wrong. To be honest, I never liked her one bit and I always felt bitter about it when I saw my peer groups and their everlasting bond with their own mom. They loved their mom like Gold but mine was a different story. She was stingy, she didn't know how to keep her mouth shut thats why I dreaded telling her any secret. She was someone that found it difficult sending me ordinary 2000 naira while in the university but if she hears there is a party tomorrow and she is to contribute 60k, she will look for that money. Honeslty, dad payed most of bills but this woman contributed nothing. She was earning close to 100k at that time and I've always wondered what she uses her salary for. She found it difficult keeping secrets, she must alow the whole world know. When I gained admission into the university, the whole world knew. When I graduated, the whole world knew. her friend even wrote a letter to her one day cautioning her about how she runs her mouth like tap. And mind you, she was very lazy. She'll rather sit in the living room watching africa magic than cooking for the family. She left everything to me. When I travelled, the whole house was in a mess. She didn't even bother to waah the bathroom and toilets or weeks as it was already turning brown. My brother before he left them wasn't close to her at all. They can be in the sitting room from morning till night together without exchanging a word. I don't blame him though, I blame the kind of parent we had. I pray my kids never go through all this. Dude is interested in bringing a wife home soon. I can't wait for the drama to unfold lol. He categorically called me and said If they accept fine and if they don't, he go on with his wedding. Even if na only 5 people attend, mariage na marriage.

Your mom is a loyal friend of dad.

kamsibabylove:
super ？ well, i'm not comfortable staying around him even till now.

Yes, a super, super dad. Don't get me wrong I think you're spoilt.

So your dad used harsh words after you messed up the meal and had the love and good graces to apologise an you still complain? Give yourself a knock on the head and wake up to the read world not some cartoon fiction.

And he frown at you greeting males? You obviously don't know men anymore than to know life.

When you greet men you meet on the way, you have easily broken the first resistance and barrier for chiking and toasting.

Except in rare occasions, girls who greet men they meet are attention-craving and that's how must guys see it.

Hmm nawao.. I really thank God for u guys o.. bcoz most people would grow up to be bitter and frustrated in life.. Well learn from ur experience so u can love and treat ur own kids well...that's the most important.

UrennaNkoli:
thanks dear. We are however independent now. I sincerely hope future generations don't go what I went through. And as for the good terms part, they used to have disagreements alot during the 90's straight into the mid 2000's. And as for my lil bro, he himself is strong headed. He's even planning a court marriage if things dont go as planned.

.

Are they the religious type? I mean your parents...

orbitalgis:
My dear your parents are not faultless.They are human beings.That said,you and your siblings need to.deal with your parents with wisdom.When you engage with them at that level,that is when you too will have a good home and be a good mom when you are settled.The moment you begin to antagonise them ,that is when you start digging the grave for your future.

Remember that they raised you,clothed you and sent you all to school despite their obvious shortcomings.If they wanted you dead or.out of their lives both of them would have either killed you all,sent you out of the house or just walk away from you both.
It is critical.you respect and honour.your folks regardless of whom they are.
I wish you and your siblings all the best.

You guys need to know why we are backward why Nigeria is the way it is.

Firstly democracy cannot work here because we aren't in a democratic setting. The father is law you can't talk back you don't have an opinion which should be discussed. Same with elders. If you can't speak up how can your opinion matter.

This your thought process is destructive in case you don't know. What the op mentioned is abnormal and as one poster wrote in developed climes it's the recipe for becoming a serial killer or rapist.

Ok well done you've made it this far and don't need such anymore. Move on with life.

Are you sure you're not adopted?

orbitalgis:
My dear your parents are not faultless.They are human beings.That said,you and your siblings need to.deal with your parents with wisdom.When you engage with them at that level,that is when you too will have a good home and be a good mom when you are settled.The moment you begin to antagonise them ,that is when you start digging the grave for your future.

Remember that they raised you,clothed you and sent you all to school despite their obvious shortcomings.If they wanted you dead or.out of their lives both of them would have either killed you all,sent you out of the house or just walk away from you both.
It is critical.you respect and honour.your folks regardless of whom they are.
I wish you and your siblings all the best.

Is it not the parents job to do the things you mentioned above? Dude, the parents doesn't even deserve going to the son's wedding. Shame shouldn't even allow them.

wellmax:
So sorry to hear, may God heal your wounds.

I am happy I had the most wonderful parents

Good for you Bro. For me I rate my dad 13%, and Mum 62% when it comes to parenting.

Are u sure they are ur real parents? Dats more like master Nd slave relationship to me

PapaNnamdi:
My neighbor, i hate that man

I ate him too

GambaOsaka:
I always thought my dad had some kind of spiritual prowess because of the following reasons;

We all knew his car honk sound and could recognise that sound 200 metres away. We would rush upstairs to pick our books and form reading. He would come in , we will all greet and continue 'reading', next thing we would hear is "Have I not told you boys to stop playing ball downstairs?".

Secondly, at times he would tell you not to put the TV on while he's away. And immediately he leaves, we switch it on, then in the evening when we hear his car honk we switch off the TV and pick our books. He walks in, move close to where the TV set is and then he goes again " Who switched on this television?".

When I grew much older I found out he never had any magical powers. We were just being kids.
We had sweats all over our bodies and the TV would have been heated up. All he had to do was to touch the TV.

oglalasioux:
I understand your emotions but you have to live through this to understand OP. I have a terrible mother whom I've vowed never to set my eyes on for the rest of our lives. People who have loving parents will never understand people who hate their parents. You just have to live it to know.

I went through worse! Hmmm...

The most important lesson here is that they turned out fine, like many of us. They must ensure they don't be like them. Because consciously or unconsciously, they might tend to exhibit some of their characters, which they must be very alert of.

A good starting point or test is making the right decision as it concerns the brother's wedding. Its called wisdom. Don't let their deficiencies put a dent on a nascent family.

Femsyn:
First, you must know that the scenarios you painted are not peculiar to your family alone. Nigerian families have their peculiarities, save for one or two differences.

That said, I would advise your brother not to go ahead with his wedding without their presence. The reason is not for today, but for tomorrow, plus the kind of impression he will give his would be in-laws about his family and indeed himself. This can be used against him in the future. Note that this doesn't necessarily erase his opinion about your parents. Its for his own good.

Finally, like I said before, what you guys went through isn't new. Just persevere until you can be independent and if this will count for anything, I'm particularly glad your parents are in good terms.

Shalom.

what they went through is new to me oooo... I am in total shock. our parents disappoint us sometimes but not to this extent. These are the kind of People you see suffer in their old age.

same with me, for a day I didn't laugh with my dad,no love,all of us hated him,the day he was laid to rest, I no cry o. there was no bond at all. but my mum is fair,I am training my kids but not in that manner.

Wen I read OP's story, I jes took a peek in2 d relationship wit my dad nd wept. M jes 18, a jambite nd I cn say my dad z COMPLETELY WORSE dan ur dad..
My Dad's words cn delay or revert one's destiny. Ever since I knw him, notin gud has ever excaped his lips nt even by mistake. He's very TOXIC nd POISONOUS!!!..nobody myt undstnd wot I mean.
This z a man dat has locked all (5)of us including my mum outside til d nxt mawning. Nt once, even up till nw. We slept in our very tiny shop full of mosquitoes. He's attitude z nt only 2wards we d children bt also heavily on my mum. I dnt wn2 even strt otherwise I wnt end 2dae nd wen m done, u myt forgo ur dislike 4 ur dad nd hate my dad. God wil bless my mum abundantly, I cn die 4 her. Completely opposite of my dad. Weneva he strts laying curses, immediately, she'll reverse it. My dad made me the way I am nw nd d worse part z m still in d same haws nd itz still ongoing. D bible doesn't permit me otherwise, I'd av kaled my dad DEVIL IN HUMAN FORM!!
Dis z jes d tip of an iceberg. I feel ur pain OP.

teelaw4life:
It's not really peculiar to Nigeria. A lot of stories like this in the U.S. Contractual agreement wouldn't let me divulge specific details but I've edited books for at least 4 people in the U.S who had crappy parents. Especially the Mums. Most times though, either one of the parent is battling with some form of mental illness.

One example that i can point to and is easily verifiable is Aisha Tyson's book "How i retired at 26." (see the cover picture below)
I do agree though that it's a big problem in Nigeria. Hopefully our own generation having experienced a parenting style to not adopt for a child duly learn and treat our own children better.

Thanks a lot. I didn't say Nigeria only. I know in the US it happens but not so much in Europe. Its is a mental health issue in many cases. I have been doing my research as well.
A major problem is that the society does not help in this matter. We hope for a better society.

Sorry OP, are you sure you people are their biological children or adopted children?

My parents were somehow like this but didn't get to this level maybe 60percent on a scale of 100. There was a time i do cry in silence cos i felt i wasn't getting loved. There was even a time i refused speaking with my mum to the extent she shed tears cos we dnt talk. She had to tell her cousin and grandma prompting them to talk me out. I'm nt even close to my dad 1bit. For this i found it difficult to relate to females. As a result i turned out to be an introvert which still affects till now though i'm improving and very close to being an Ambivert. My kids won't go thru this shit.

mcdreeezy:
Many people don't know how to be parents. They don't know that verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, if not worse.

It's not just as....it's worse!!

Hmm, your parents didn't try at all, I'm really happy I didn't experience such, I had the best dad in the world I still miss him every day. I can rate relationship with my dad 90% and mum40% , my dad and I were so close that it got my mom jealous at some point, to the point that on he's dying bed he called me and blessed me with tears in his eyes. I really miss that man I pray he'll be my daddy in the next world.

blesoh:
Hahahaha this is funny mehn.
My mum was fun of beating me, especially when someone reports my case to her, without waiting to hear my side next it's beatings. Today when I flog my kids she would be getting angry lol

Lol

My mum never did that instead she'd tell the reporter to come settle his/her wahala with me...

As for my dad, that guy has been a very hard nut to crack even till date.