₦airaland Forum

johnydon22:
My journey have been weird or perhaps an incessant evolution that have seen my faiths and doubts dashed against cold hard truths of reality. I have questioned everything i know at every turn, i have been arrogant in my ignorance, condescending in my teachings, aggressive in my defense, unteachable in my debates - I was a young atheist, i just newly agreed or found out that i didn't believe in God.

Yes it was a lonely journey.

First i had lots of questions, when i asked people recoiled away from me, they feared to answer. My questions were daring and true, i yearned so hard for someone to bring forth answers that could satisfy this curiosity.

the world was changing right before my eyes and nobody else around me could see this change.

I lost awe in the faith of creation by "let there be light" it suddenly was not sufficient enough, it could not account for the depth and intricacies of the world around.

they must be more, they had to be more.

I'd throw subtle questions at Papa, Mama, Siblings, friends or anyone else that i could. ever careful to mask the full intent of my questions to avoid the possibility of an inevitable backlash.

"Why do you think God started to create the world?" I'd ask
"Do you really think humans are just clay sculptures given breath by God?"

"Don't question God, John" Papa would say with a glaring look that discouraged me from any further questions that danced on the edge of blasphemy.

It wasn't enough, there must be more to it than just this. But i was alone in my thoughts.

The courage of my questions were met with strict castigation. You are playing with fire young man.

I recoiled to my shell, spent more time alone. Prayed and read and for a moment i found a perfect blend between God and me, between my quest to know and my faith.

Gradually i began to see a different God. gradually God became more for me than just a divine wrath seeking undiluted retribution and piety. God became more than a divine authority ready to dose out punishment at will. God became more than a constant reminder of my vulnerabilities as a human. became more than an authority i had to appease at every turn for my constant transgressions. God became more than a cosmic need for incessant praise. I lost faith in the logic that suggests i had to apologize everyday just for being human. I made nonsense of the doctrine that thinks i was dragged into a test for no reason at all. I refused to be a living condemnation over a supposed transgression at the beginning of creation.

But no one else saw this God with me.

I tried to paint a picture of this God but i'd get a cold stare, a fearful snub or a threatening admonition.

I was in the middle of a crowd, in the middle of loved ones but i was alone. My mind was filled up and ran over, i pined to share, i was nearing my limit and i felt i'd burst any minute.

Nobody could hear me scream, they shushed and snubbed.

My questions became even bolder. Became even more daring and if you will more courageous.

I dared to question the existent of God himself.

My mind lacked substance for God might be or what God is. The role of God in the cosmos was lost to me. There was more to everything than this earth, the stage was too grand for us.

I was losing my mind as well as losing God - perhaps because people told me that i was.

I tried to hold on but i was slipping.

I found holes in almost every word the preacher says. I could give him ten reasons why i thought he was wrong for every time he implied to know the mind of God.

I argued with evangelists. challenged Jehovah witnesses - Got an angry or pitiful look in return each time.

My loneliness was slowly turning into a burning need to challenge the status quo. To reach into everyone's mind and challenge their beliefs. But a pinch of fear lingered on when i was in the middle of loved ones.

So even though great many others knew what i had turned into, even though i already carved out a reputation among preachers as 'That intelligent boy that the devil is using'

i couldn't bring myself to show my family just who i was. How could i ever bring out myself as the "tool of the devil" before their eyes.

A lost soul.
fallen from grace.

That would kill mama, papa would literally send me out.

So before them, my piety was intact. I said every decade of rosary with that loud doubt, every mystery represented a question i hoped they would listen to and answer.

My loneliness persisted.

Finding succor only on the internet that became a pronounced part of my world during these times. I was fascinated by friends that shared my thoughts, friends i never met before, friends without face or voice but they gave me a little hint that i was not alone..


I am ranting now maybe i should cut this short.... The journey is very long

MizMyColi:
Hi there @rinrin24.

I like the coherence with which you write.
I want to be like you when I grow up.
Lol.


Okay, I can quite relate with your position.
I was once there.
Tell you what...

You should not feel afraid to express your truth to the one you love, and whom you believe loves you.
It takes bravery and courage to do so, but trust me, in the end, you will be better for it.

I have struggled with feelings of being partially accepted because of my spiritual path and orientation. It was until I came "clean" that I found peace and such inexplicable freedom within and without. Again, I will say you should not feel fearful hesitation to express your truth and until you can do that, please do not get married to him just yet. You want to avoid being termed a pretender and names like that

rinrin23:
Thank you Seun. I agree with the emboldened. I however dont think he will ever really understand, but will always accept me the way I am. I guess I should be content with acceptance.

As for the ratio and finding a match, haha it's highly unlikely (though maybe not impossible)

tintingz:
You can let them know you're not that religious but telling them God does not exist, that's a tough task.

Martinez19:
I don't feel lonely.

johnydon22:
I don't either. I'm just recanting the beginning of my journey

budaatum:
I agree. And do note that there is a huge difference in saying "Gods do not exist (for me)", and "Your God does not exist". We may do the latter on here, but most don't go about saying it to people they know.

(Imagine me telling my ma the her God, her rock and her staff, is a figment of her imagination!)



P.s. I do say that to my ma, but she's that sort of ma. Aghhh you know what I mean!

Niflheim:
@op,


Loneliness can mean different things to different people!!! Being surrounded by people that are stupid and arrogant, can be more lonely that being on your own!!! Sometimes, the loneliness is what makes you a god/goddess of your own subjective Universe!!! If you had a good book to read, or you were part of an online group on Facebook, with like minded people, I doubt you will feel so lonely!!!

superhumanist:
The path of the righteous is difficult and lonely.

It is normal to feel loneliness when you are different or in the minority.

This is why group meetings or associations are important.

superhumanist:
Read books? Online groups?

That will only make one even lonelier.

That's like comparing masturbation to real sex.



There is nothing like connecting with real people who share the same beliefs.

superhumanist:
The path of the righteous is difficult and lonely.

It is normal to feel loneliness when you are different or in the minority.

This is why group meetings or associations are important.

budaatum:
I would have said don't yoke unequally, but people are far more intelligent and one would see even Muslim/Christians relationships these days.

You should not be content with being accepted! You should be understood too, then loved. It does mean more than mere 'acceptance'! If he does not understand you, perhaps its because you have not explained yourself, and[b], I am of the impression that you hide who you really are from him. [/b]I wouldn't call that a good foundation for cohabitation.

The foundation of a good relationship is communication. Express yourself as you have done here. (Did you notice some want to be like you?) You will be very lonely if you go ahead without it! So, communicate.

MizMyColi:
Hi there @rinrin24.

I like the coherence with which you write.
I want to be like you when I grow up.
Lol.


Okay, I can quite relate with your position.
I was once there.
Tell you what...

You should not feel afraid to express your truth to the one you love, and whom you believe loves you.
It takes bravery and courage to do so, but trust me, in the end, you will be better for it.

I have struggled with feelings of being partially accepted because of my spiritual path and orientation. It was until I came "clean" that I found peace and such inexplicable freedom within and without. Again, I will say you should not feel fearful hesitation to express your truth and until you can do that, please do not get married to him just yet. You want to avoid being termed a pretender and names like that

Holyfield1:
Never knew you're also an atheist

Our community is growing

But that's not all that matters

Martinez19:
Oh, okay. At the beginning of mine, I felt shy to express myself.

butterflyl1on:


You mean like freethinkers church?

butterflyl1on:
Who in the world told you that freethinkers are righteous? You need to check back on freethought to correct your wrong notion.

MizMyColi:
I'm not atheist.

Holyfield1:
Oh, that was direct

If i may ask, What are you?

A Christian?

superhumanist:
Shows how much brainwashing and indoctrination you have received. Must every organized group meeting be a church or worship?

Keep exposing yourself

superhumanist:
Freethinking is the right approach to personal enlightenment.

budaatum:
I was never shy. One hell of a big mouth on me. And living amongst predominately traditional worshippers albeit in Lagos, you might imagine what it was like telling an Egungun, a supposed spirit from the dead, "Sikiru, if you dare touch me with that your whip, I will tear off you spirit dress! Spirit from the dead my ass!". A recipe for not having lots of friends I recall.

The adults were not much better with their constant beatings to try to make one believe as they do. I guess if I'd kept quiet I wouldn't have got beat up so much. But I was never lonely. I spent my time reading. You'd be amazed how one can invoke spirit into characters in a book.

I was fortunate in not having my mind polluted by my parents and was brought up to question. I became an atheist at 12, so I guess I have loads of practise.

Martinez19:
lucky you bro. At least you started early but I started at 20 as an atheist. Wasted my teenage years reading and memorising the bible, couldn't date my dream girl because of church doctrines and being too spiritual. If only I had sat down earlier to think. All I needed was to sit down and think. It is well bro, seeing the world as it is and knowing the truth brings freedom.

butterflyl1on:
A church is a fellowship of people with like minds not necessarily for worship. You are the one who is ignorant.

Martinez19:
lucky you bro. At least you started early but I started at 20 as an atheist. Wasted my teenage years reading and memorising the bible, couldn't date my dream girl because of church doctrines and being too spiritual. If only I had sat down earlier to think. All I needed was to sit down and think. It is well bro, seeing the world as it is and knowing the truth brings freedom.

superhumanist:
Freethinking is the right approach to personal enlightenment.

johnydon22:
Ignore the guy quoting you on this. He is quoting everyone to get attention

MizMyColi:
No, I am not a Christian.

I like to see my self as Nothing in that regard.

johnydon22:
I understand this position perfectly. Labels can be restricting and an unnecessary confinement. They throw out a subtle presumption about you to people who do not know you or what you stand for.

Recognizing or reconciling with no label is the best way to live. you broaden your horizon past the confines of people's tags which more than often forms the basis of their assumption of who you are.

I do not like labels myself (of late) people sometimes force you to walk a straight line

rinrin23:
. I'll quote Carl Jung when he says "As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still because I know things and must hint at things that others know nothing of and for the most part do not want to know. Loneliness does not come from having no one about, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself or from holding views which others find inadmissible ".