₦airaland Forum

Originalsly:
Hmmm....this is unfair to single mothers! Why tag them like this? To me this is all about knowing about a woman period before marriage...single mother or not. How can she meet your people but you can't meet any of hers? ...that's a big yellow flag right there. Why would you even consider marrying someone you know nothing about except what she told you? Why didn't the doubting Thomas in you wake up?
No doubt...there are many single mothers out there simply because they are not marriage material.... she is in this group...mother or not...but there are lots of them who are simply because they were played. We should stop painting them with a broad brush.

IamaNigerianGuy:
What a terrible thing to say.

More so as it is very harsh and untrue. A single mum at some point decided against an abortion and brought a child into the world.
What exactly is the abomination in keeping the baby ? The sex ? Or the fact that she chose life over death ? You prefer that the child be killed and the mother continue with her life ?

Man, your opinion is whack.

oloriLFC:
it doesnt even matter if the guy doesn't have a dime. does it mean she can only listen 2 him if he has money? a lot of us females get it wrong in relatnshps cos of li2 things. You dnt hav 2 be married 2 her b4 u can ask her questns, once u aren't too possessive and frm ur comments here, u are not.[b] I guess d lady wanted her freedom and she now has it, n[/b]o wahala. i just smh at some ladies sha

aribisala0:
.... You are one of those rigid individuals who form and air very strong opinions without any evidential basis.

Many households where there are two parents can produce bad outcomes for a number of reason

Neighbourhood in which children are raised
Poverty
Health of Parents
Age of parents
Employment status of Parents

Many people become single parents for hundreds of reasons, but there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, and some marriages are so toxic that being single is better.

Many children are sexually molested by their parents who are married, and many more defective children are raised by married people.

In Portugaal over 70% of marriages end in divorce are they a nation of "defective children".

Very likely many are raised in "married" households in Afghanistan, Zamfara State and Somalia. Do they have better outcomes?

let us always talk with intellectual honesty.
Let us avoid authoritative pronouncements that have no evidential basis because they chime with our "personal" but nevertheless "singular" experiene of life.

After World War 2 and indeed many if not most wars, many children are raised by single parents. In post WW II Japan , Europe even after our own Biafra did that predict "bad" outcomes??

There are so many factors that affect outcomes. Even in the same family of 5 kids raised by married parents you could have a doctor lawyer and a drug dealer

1x2x3:
Spot on.

It's crazy to think someone could pretend and act a different person for a long time. People should just beware of those mature single ladies they see in churches today.

UjuJoan2:
I think you're the one pretending. Hiding behind 'introvert' to make her feel bad about herself.

I think she dodged a bullet. She doesn't need your kind of negativity in her life and that of her son's!

IamaNigerianGuy:
What a terrible thing to say.

More so as it is very harsh and untrue. A single mum at some point decided against an abortion and brought a child into the world.
What exactly is the abomination in keeping the baby ? The sex ? Or the fact that she chose life over death ? You prefer that the child be killed and the mother continue with her life ?

Man, your opinion is whack.

quentin06:
you got me wrong, i was referring to women who left their husbands, to become single mothers, the gold digging types who see children as trophies and a means to an end.

many of these women abound, with dark secrets, its only right that intending suitors be aware of the risks involved.

IamaNigerianGuy:
A woman who has left her husband is a divorcee, not a single mother.

quentin06:
you got me wrong, i was referring to women who left their husbands, to become single mothers, the gold digging types who see children as trophies and a means to an end.

many of these women abound, with dark secrets, its only right that intending suitors be aware of the risks involved.

LaudableXX:
And there are no men who abdicate their responsibilities, and dump innocent women they have impregnated, claiming they don't know anything about her foetus, simply because they already have another richer babe in the background, who can set them up for life?

oloriLFC:
Maybe she's in contact with him and that's d baby daddy issues i talkd abt. Didnt she tell u she wasnt in good terms with hr siblings? why then would she manage a business 4 her sister and in SA whr d guy resides 4 dat matter. And her being aggressive speaks a lot. A single mum who genuinely loves a man n wants things 2 work out wouldn't get angry wen askd questns but would be d one 2 allay d guy's fears and be very truthful, be open-minded so as to build a lasting trust btw them. my dear,jst move on pls

1x2x3:
There is actually no baby daddy issues as he is based in SA and as far as I know they aren't in good terms. Recently she said her sister told her to move to SA to look after her business(question mark). I really don't know what is going on backstage but I have fears she is hiding a lot and when I ask she gets defensive aggressively.

quentin06:
chill out, you need some yoga beginning to sound like a single mother.

LaudableXX:
It also depends on the way and manner he is asking the questions . If he is asking her in a suspicious insensitive manner, or interrogating her as if she has criminal intentions, then she would probably flare up. There are some people who ask you questions and never seem satisfied by your answers, no matter how truthful you are. They would then ask the same questions you have already answered in 5 more different ways, hoping that you would trip up and give them a different reply from the previous one, so they can call you a liar. I had a boss who used to do this, and it always got annoying.

openmine:
OP ,this behaviour is not only exhibited by SOME single mothers....SOME of the single ladies,esp the pretty ones in nigeria, also have such attitude.....

Initially,very nice,welcoming and humble....after some months,they start trying to figure out how to control or dominate you with some little stuffs.....When they don't succeed with that approach maybe due to your stance,they get emotionally defeated and use the weapon of manipulation just to make them look like the victim or that you don't really love them enough....

Once the manipulation doesn't work out,they will say you are too proud and stubborn (part of the emotional blackmail)....Just to psychologically control your actions towards them...and make you soften your stance....

Once these measures are resisted,they start seeking out other guys whom they can manipulate or bring under their control......

Most of them hate taking advise esp when they know that they are doing what is wrong.....They always believe in calling the shots in a relationship or marriage.....

They want you to eat this food,buy what they want,wear what they like and say what they want to hear.....

They never bother to know what you really want or like simply because these set of ladies always have a "sense of entitlement "......always the "Me syndrome"....!

The funny and interesting part is that these same ladies,in spite of all these behaviors,will even love and desire you more due to the fact that you can't be easily disarmed or controlled by them....

Well thank God for your life but just know that this attitude is not only displayed by single mothers....

openmine:
.....if you get jealous,some ladies will say you are too possessive or obsessive or that you are choking them....if you are not jealous, she will say you don't care or you are seeing someone else!

why do some ladies feel the world must always revolve around them....?

MyOpinion1:
Anyway after reading some comments here I just laugh and laugh at how illogical some men can reason..........

Most single mothers if not all are victim of cruelty from men and that bitter experience will change their personality totally.... It takes complete and a God fearing men to sit them down and talk sense into them not tagging them as wicked or wayward and trying to shield the men from the blame.
Mind you there can't be a baby mama without a baby daddy

Espada10:
Y
The real question should be why do men always make women feel that the world revolves around them?

Espada10:
And so what?.

They should go and look for their fellow baby daddy and leave single men alone ..single men are not rehabilitation centers for them

1x2x3:
I'm sorry I'm saying this and it hurts my heart to agree with the warnings of marrying a single mother. I'm not the best writer but I will try to narrate my experience and findings.

First of all I would like to point out that there are very few single mothers who can make a good wife while majority of them will ruin you and make your life miserable if caution is not taken.

I've been dating a single mother of a 5 years old boy for about a year and half she is 30 and never been married. I wouldn't just jump into such relationship but for the fact she is someone I knew back in my School days however, we lost contact for about 10 years before we met again and I kind of understood the story she told me and the circumstances she had the child (Till date I didn't bother verifying her story of course I don't care).

We dated for about a year and she got talking with a few of my friends and sibling but the striking thing is she is yet to introduce me to any of her friends or siblings even though I knew she have many siblings and some friends (I did question her about this and she said she doesn't have someone she can really call a friend).

Looking at the kind of reserved life she lives I felt this could be normal but still something kept telling me there's more to these whole pretentious reserved life because I'm introverted and can easily figure out who's pretending to be one. Mind you, she is the church going type who prays and wants my well being yet I could still figure out there is something not clear thus my reason for taking my time to propose to her. This is actually not my fault as there is no way I can figure out who she is unless through someone close to her.

About 6 months ago a pastor that is yet to meet her in person told me that if I marry her I will end up divorcing but being the doubting Thomas type I gave no ear to whatever the pastor has to say until recently when something unfolded.

She lives 3 hrs drive away and comes visiting most of the weekend. Here is the major problem which I must admit I'm at fault but I thank God I was at fault because it paved way for the revelation. Throughout the time we've been dating I only visited her once which she complained about, I wasn't just too comfortable going there to spend time and do certain things (I didn't just find this right but I'm very much comfortable if she visits alone or with the kid). She complained a few times about me not visiting until 2 weeks ago she told me she was traveling to Abuja.
I inquired about her reasons of traveling and she said she needed to rest since she's on leave (Redflag). Her reasons didn't sound logical so I objected, I told her I wasn't comfortable with her traveling, she kept insisting and she jokingly said she will go and face the consequences when she returns. We talked about this for days and she eventually went against all odds and traveled.
On getting to Abuja she started acting funny like not taking calls or calling and when she finally returned my call I told her not to call me until she is back from her trip (I needed to avoid unnecessary worries)

She returned after 4 days and called knowing fully well we've got issues to thrash. She started complaining I don't give her attention as much as she wants (she seems not to be able to deal with my introverted person anymore). The ranting was becoming rude, sounding like a different person from whom I thought I knew. We got to a heated point I had to ask for any of her siblings number, she immediately became defensive and threatened that if I dare contact any of her siblings (7 of them) that I won't like the outcome . It occurred to me she isn't in good relationship with any of her siblings even though they talk sometimes. She just doesn't want me to contact anyone. Out of her rudeness I asked her if she is ready to be under a man since she has brought up marriage issues on few occasions. She said she isn't ready to tolerate bulllshitt of men afterall she has a child, marriage is about children and if things aren't working in a marriage everyone can find their way . The pastor's words occurred to me instantly. I took about 2 hours telling her how much she needs to adjust and understand she isn't supposed to tuzzle with a man else it will be hard for things to work in a home.

She said so many unimaginable things that it dawned to me she was pretending to be nice all these while. She said she wants a man that can take alll she does, I then asked her if she is ready to take all a man does she said no and I told her to look for a man and pay his groom price since she wants a man she can control.

Still scary to me she pretended all these while, going to church and acting very responsible hoping I marry her which I genuinely had intentions to but for the fact something kept telling me I needed more time to know her.

At the end its obvious she is used to being a single mother and if she divorces tomorrow it will be nothing new to her.

Guys make sure you scrutinize that single mother before you jump in. There's a reason she's single and in her 30's.
I found out she's not in good terms with her siblings because she doesn't like taking orders or listening to advice. They've talked to her about being rude and disrespectful but rather than listen she drew bad blood between her and all her siblings.

Netanyahu1:
Op. I understand the single mother aspect. I have come to realize that 80% of all single mothers have one of two problems. Its either that they are totally dull about everything in life to the extent that no man is interested in managing their intellectual deficiency, or they are outrightly wayward to the extent that no man wants to be a party to their stupid ideology about what a marital union should look like.

In your own case , however, you just dodged a bullet. As far as "Nigeria" is concerned , church is where you find the most useless and heartless con artists, starting from the pastor, therefore , the combination of a single mother you met in church is equal to natural disaster .

Again op. You just dodged a bullet. If I were you I will be dancing like David for this new life god has given you.I mean the real God and not the god of Nigerian pastors.

Espada10:
Your father introduced me to gayism

Espada10:
Ask your homosexual of a father

1x2x3:
I'm sorry I'm saying this and it hurts my heart to agree with the warnings of marrying a single mother. I'm not the best writer but I will try to narrate my experience and findings.

Guys make sure you scrutinize that single mother before you jump in. There's a reason she's single and in her 30's.
I found out she's not in good terms with her siblings because she doesn't like taking orders or listening to advice. They've talked to her about being rude and disrespectful but rather than listen she drew bad blood between her and all her siblings.

Espada10:
Says the daughter of a gay

majorbravo:
OP, it's not only single mothers you have to be weary about, it is anyone who has been married before or previously been in a long term relationship where they live together like husband and wife even if they were not officially wedded. They usually don't make very good wives. If you want peace, marry a virgin or a woman who has had limited relationships, I'm not one to judge women by age, but it seems something messes with their brains as they age that makes them more ruthless, could be their experiences.

majorbravo:
I once met a lady in her mid-30s when I was away on holiday. At first glance she appeared nice and religious. She worked at the hotel I was lodged and had helped me find my way around so I decided to take her for a drink one evening, that's when she told me her story, I was in shock. She wasn't a single mother but she was married to a man she had previously dated as a single lady while he was still married to another. After her many complaints to him about her need for his undivided attention, the man divorced his wife to marry her.

Long story short, she divorced the man 4 years after, and relocated to another country (same one where I was having my holiday). She seemed to have transformed at that point in her story telling, you could hear the vile and despise in her voice as she swore her ex husband still has no idea of her whereabouts and never will. She ended her tale by saying she prefers submissive men and would gladly divorce any man who doesn't bend to her rules.