₦airaland Forum

Toks2008:
In those days, our parents usually come together, they barely knew each other and they grew in love as a couple and in most cases, grew old together because they chose to love who they married.

They lay little emphasis on feelings, chemistry or even dating/courtship yet had a wonderful long lasting union but today, we want to be sure the feeling is real, we want to fall in love first, we want to be sure we are compatible and we meticulously pay attention to inconsequential matters and looking for faults and even many who tend to believe they got it right still end up breaking up after they eventually get married and i keep wandering what exactly are we getting wrong.

After a thorough research from GOD's words i found out that the ideal mode of marriage laid down by GOD have been abandoned and we have now come up with our own pattern...

Until we go back to the plan of GOD regarding marriage and understand that staying married is not about feelings or compatibility, neither is it about body chemistry or how romantic he or she is because all these aforementioned can never sustain a marriage but it is about growing in love and having a meticulous determination to love who you marry and stay married against all odds.

GOD's plan for marriage is for two people to come together and grow in love not for them to first fall in love before coming together.Genesis 2:22-24

I hope this makes sense.

Toks, nice piece. Marriage is a choice, you choose whom to marry.
I think this question is a double edged sword, you need both to travel the path of marriage.
In my opinion, the first step is to be attracted to whom you intend to marry. (there should be some atom of love).
And then determine to remain and grow in Love with whom you have choosen to marry.
Falling in love does not sustain marriage, rather the determination to remain and grow in love does.

The most difficult thing about theses arranged marriages that you advocate, is having sex, especially for women. Their wedding night is often a nightmare and their sex life a must. If love comes later, so much the better, but if it's only about esteem, you'll be happy if your husband marries other women, because you'll be less subject to sex. We who grew up in this kind of marriage know what we are talking about.

Marriage is all about coexisting with someone who is not related to you by blood.

Most times there are obligations one has to who he/she is related to. Siblings more often than not grow together and are initiated into the fabrics of that which makes their family/blood tie unique.

Another way of staying together is by friendship. Right from the early growing days, people in same age group of same sex, who are not related by blood, play together, eat together and are taught together. They most times develop affinity for themselves perhaps through similarities in interest. When they grow together unseparated, they can become best of allies, confidants and so on.

In the two instances above, I can make the following deductions:

1) Compatibility,
2) Obedience to the rule of association
3) Similarity of interest

These deductions are key for the coexistence of two different individuals of two different backgrounds.

In marriage, which I can also call "coexistence" , the above deductions are very essential in that there won't be any worthwhile marriage without those.

These attributes are earned.

Love, I mean the type that a marriage require, is equally essential but Love unlike other attributes is a feeling.

Feelings are triggered in the affective domain, it can increase or decrease unlike other attributes which are either there or not there at all.

Therefore, if you love who you marry, you are safer in that it was the brain that made the decision in the first place and also you have the bonus of marrying who you love inside it. (When it eventually develops and increases)

But if you marry who you love, its magical, but its more of a cliff hanger situation than its not since majority of the decisions is made with the heart.

If you marry who you are compatible with at the same time love deeply, that's the best situation.

Stycon:
What if after you got married, the love refuse to grow? What do you do?

Grow the LOVE

MissJoy29:
All the bolded are true. Recently, I was faced with a tough decision about marriage. I used to think that it's easy to be with a good man who you are sure of his character (by God's Grace). Hopefully, you will grow to love him. A lot of things are easier said than done. I understood that statement perfectly when I was faced with living with a good man who I don't have any form of romantic affection for. I suddenly realised that this is a lifelong commitment. It's too risky for such a costly gamble. My thoughts were, "what if I never get to love this person? He's a good man but if I don't get to love him, I will be miserable and make him same too.

I refuse to believe that love is just a "passing feeling" that fades easily. So I know that love is important in marriage. How else will I be tolerant, affectionate & overlook some things he does?

Maybe I'm getting things all wrong & I'm seriously open to corrections.

I can perfectly relate to this.

Toks2008:
In fact you have gotten everything terribly wrong...A lady has no right to use her feelings as a prerequisite to be with a man..its a lie from the pits of hell...

In marriage your feeling as a woman is secondary but it is the way the guy feels towards you that is most paramount..

If he treats you well YOU MUST DEVELOPE STRONG FEELINGS IN A SHORT WHILE...This is a mystery...wonen are emotional creatures and they can't help but fall in love with a man who treats them like a queen even if he is a broke was.

What if you have feelings for a jerk who treats you like poo? Trust me,that feeling will fly out through the windows.

Give it time and AS LONG AS HE TREATS YOU WELL..you will develop strong likeness for him.

Ohh, how I want to believe this!

Unclesamo:
Grow the LOVE

How?

Stycon:
What if after you got married, the love refuse to grow? What do you do?

That's the question

IamEmem:
Toks, nice piece. Marriage is a choice, you choose whom to marry.
I think this question is a double edged sword, you need both to travel the path of marriage.
In my opinion, the first step is to be attracted to whom you intend to marry. (there should be some atom of love).
And then determine to remain and grow in Love with whom you have choosen to marry.
Falling in love does not sustain marriage, rather the determination to remain and grow in love does.

Seconded.

NightHound:
Two people must first come together in love before they can grow in love. It is a substance that grows. A seed grows into a plant; and if that seed is not there, there will be no growth of anything; it doesn't matter how hard you water the ground . Not every coming together of two people has the potential of growing into a loving marriage. Compatibility is important. That's why the Bible talk about the dangers of being unequally yoked.

Well said bro!
Well said!!

babyfaceafrica:
if he is a good man and you are not physically attracted to him nor love him..please leave him because you will likely cheat on him in the future with someone you can't resist physically!!... that said you should look beyond this physical attributes ..as long as he is presentable,godfearing and hardworking.All this fine boy ..no pimples is not the way o.......as one grows older...the fine will disappear.. but behaviour will not o

I'm not saying I'm hung up on looks. I like what you said, "as long as he's presentable". He has to be to an extent.

Leave fine boy. Who fine boy epp?

PrimadonnaO:
Ohh, how I want to believe this!

Me too.

PrimadonnaO:
I can perfectly relate to this.

I know right! Welcome to the club.

Xmen149:
Lol,no go dey do pass ur self.

one of my ex who was whisked away by one dude into marriage so they can grow in love is still calling me asking how we go see(after 2kids oh)

no one formular for all,.spend a lot of time to know each other and create ur own formulae pray and move on from there

#drops-mic

What, do you presume, made her leave you? Marriage?

hippieguy:
The fundamental mistake we make about love is when we think love is some magic spontaneous emotion. Love is a decision and a responsibility. My little summarized opinion.

Exactly. That's the love I'm talking about. Not the passing/fleeting feeling we will all deceive ourselves we have these days.

kalu61:
l don't quite agree with you. This is not gender issue but I strongly believe a lady is more open to reciprocate love when it comes than a man.
lf a man treat and respect you to a large extent you should return the love even though you might have your choice of man but that choice may end up tormenting you in marriage.
l have observed those couple that killed their partner as those that have the feelings more.

my submission is "compatible not love, tribe and religion is should be the focal point.

Fashiola n Tinubu(not too sure) are Muslim with Christian wives. if about compatible and mutual respect. Love is just a fiction for me because if you take away those thing that make you love someone, what happened next?

@bolded, this means a man should also love that lady that respects & treats him well before marriage even though he has his own choice. If this were to be that easy, I don't think we will be having bad boys/demons/Bleep boys who specialise in breaking the hearts of most good & impressionable ladies & vice versa.

AkpaMgbor:
it is not risky..I've noticed that it is mostly women who don't believe in the "marrying the one you love " school of thought..I do not mean that as a disrespect, but most humans are not truly capable of true love. If you are a Christian then you will notice that the Bible only charged the men to love their wives but it didn't for the women..the Bible rather adviced women to honor and respect their husbands..the man is given the greater responsibility to love..a woman can be happy in her home if she honors and respects her husband and the man will be happy if he loves his wife..so the man gives love and the woman gives respect..and if you think about it, that is what most men want in their marriage..respect...

@the bolded, I quite agree with you. It's the bitter truth. That's why this thread is here in the first place because if we all know what TRUE LOVE is, there won't be need for this arguing back & forth.

Reference:
How can you marry who you love when love is not a switch but a house that is built brick by brick. That means you will have lived a lifetime with the person before marrying, because love grows until death.

I suspect you confuse lust with love.

not really bro

Toks2008:
In those days, our parents usually come together, they barely knew each other and they grew in love as a couple and in most cases, grew old together because they chose to love who they married.

They lay little emphasis on feelings, chemistry or even dating/courtship yet had a wonderful long lasting union but today, we want to be sure the feeling is real, we want to fall in love first, we want to be sure we are compatible and we meticulously pay attention to inconsequential matters and looking for faults and even many who tend to believe they got it right still end up breaking up after they eventually get married and i keep wandering what exactly are we getting wrong.

After a thorough research from GOD's words i found out that the ideal mode of marriage laid down by GOD have been abandoned and we have now come up with our own pattern...

Until we go back to the plan of GOD regarding marriage and understand that staying married is not about feelings or compatibility, neither is it about body chemistry or how romantic he or she is because all these aforementioned can never sustain a marriage but it is about growing in love and having a meticulous determination to love who you marry and stay married against all odds.

GOD's plan for marriage is for two people to come together and grow in love not for them to first fall in love before coming together.Genesis 2:22-24

I hope this makes sense.

Agree to some extent with you. Some people tend to want to figure out "eveything" and be sure of their feelings and even the feelings of their partner at omce instead of growing patiently in love...

Modelpearl:
This is it. I just wish every couple will read and understand this piece. or=Toks2008 post=68967984]In those days, our parents usually come together, they barely knew each other and they grew in love as a couple and in most cases, grew old together because they chose to love who they married.

They lay little emphasis on feelings, chemistry or even dating/courtship yet had a wonderful long lasting union but today, we want to be sure the feeling is real, we want to fall in love first, we want to be sure we are compatible and we meticulously pay attention to inconsequential matters and looking for faults and even many who tend to believe they got it right still end up breaking up after they eventually get married and i keep wandering what exactly are we getting wrong.

After a thorough research from GOD's words i found out that the ideal mode of marriage laid down by GOD have been abandoned and we have now come up with our own pattern...

Until we go back to the plan of GOD regarding marriage and understand that staying married is not about feelings or compatibility, neither is it about body chemistry or how romantic he or she is because all these aforementioned can never sustain a marriage but it is about growing in love and having a meticulous determination to love who you marry and stay married against all odds.

GOD's plan for marriage is for two people to come together and grow in love not for them to first fall in love before coming together.Genesis 2:22-24

I hope this makes sense.

And that's my baby...

Modelpearl:
This is it. I just wish every couple will read and understand this piece. or=Toks2008 post=68967984]In those days, our parents usually come together, they barely knew each other and they grew in love as a couple and in most cases, grew old together because they chose to love who they married.

They lay little emphasis on feelings, chemistry or even dating/courtship yet had a wonderful long lasting union but today, we want to be sure the feeling is real, we want to fall in love first, we want to be sure we are compatible and we meticulously pay attention to inconsequential matters and looking for faults and even many who tend to believe they got it right still end up breaking up after they eventually get married and i keep wandering what exactly are we getting wrong.

After a thorough research from GOD's words i found out that the ideal mode of marriage laid down by GOD have been abandoned and we have now come up with our own pattern...

Until we go back to the plan of GOD regarding marriage and understand that staying married is not about feelings or compatibility, neither is it about body chemistry or how romantic he or she is because all these aforementioned can never sustain a marriage but it is about growing in love and having a meticulous determination to love who you marry and stay married against all odds.

GOD's plan for marriage is for two people to come together and grow in love not for them to first fall in love before coming together.Genesis 2:22-24

I hope this makes sense.

And that's my baby...

babyfaceafrica:
you have a point though, however its is not entirely feasible. how can I marry someone I don't love?.. are you telling people to take a gamble?.. marriage itself is black market..why should we now enter a black market with dark shades?....,the definition of love itself has grey areas... some is looks,behaviour, money e..t.c....love overtime has change its form.. so you can't actually say it is this or that...my advise do what works for you... most of us know what is good for us but choose to ignore it for selfish reasons.you know that guy is a player..but you hope he will change in the future....you know shade sleeps around but you think with age she will stop..............marry people with their deficiency (all of us get am) not hoping they will change.

Marriage itself is a gamble

Toks2008
Marriage itself is a gamble. I think you make sense. Liking the scenario to a mother who gives birth to a child. Now that mother never had a child to love, so she must watch the child grow and learn to love him/her as changes appear in the child, by character and appearance. If we use the method we use in raising a child and loving him/her I don't think there would be issues of divorce or misunderstanding because you will come to realize that people change .
I also believe the heart can love more than a woman at a time because love is moved by emotion and what we want not necessarily what we need

Blonchilli:
Toks2008
Marriage itself is a gamble. I think you make sense. Liking the scenario to a mother who gives birth to a child. Now that mother never had a child to love, so she must watch the child grow and learn to love him/her as changes appear in the child, by character and appearance. If we use the method we use in raising a child and loving him/her I don't think there would be issues of divorce or misunderstanding because you will come to realize that people change .
I also believe the heart can love more than a woman at a time because love is moved by emotion and what we want not necessarily what we need

You are blessed with wisdom.