InvertedHammer:

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A mother should raise her young child which is why the court usually grants custody to women unless the biological mother is incapacitated, which is not an issue in this case.

Simple. Keep writing epistle.
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since it is that simple, you will do better as a divorce lawyer rather than claiming to be methuselah on nairaland. Women get custody in most cases not because of your simple analogy but because most men don't contest it anyway. They feel na wahala self to take care of the child so they automatically don't contest it. Most men with means and especially wives at home almost always win custody fights unless the child is under 3. Methuselah

NairalandFAYOSE:
pardon my blunders.
I was aware she has a baby before we met but still continued the relationship because the baby is with the father. she told me it was a mistake and the guy's family doesn't support their relationship. so they went their different ways while the guy kept the baby.

when we started, I found out she's humble, hardworking and she's everything I ever wanted in a woman. so we got married 4 years ago and have a 3 year old son and 2 beautiful twins (just 3 months old).

now the problem started when she went to church and her ex brought her 7 years old daughter unannounced. that he's married now and can't continue taking Care of the girl.
she called me from church and told me. immediately I told her not to bring a child thats not mine to me. she now took the baby to her mom and came home to meet me with my kids.
she has been begging me since to allow the baby in our home because the mother gave her 3 days to come and take her baby from her.

nairalanders pls I need your advice on this. those it make sense that I take the baby while the father is out there enjoying his life.

You are a good man, few persons will seldom married a woman like that, she is good as well because she didn't change her behaviour after the wedding, life is tricky and funny, your wife needs the child more than ever right now to help with chores and don't be surprised she probably made the move and it could be the best moves ever made.
Take the child as your daughter because she's your wife's daughter and by extension yours. I always say treat people like you knew they will make it the next day. She could be your golden goose as someone earlier said.

She's your children's sister and a lovely innocent child. Please, help her like your own, even if it's the last thing you do. Don't behave like the father's wife.

helpee:
since it is that simple, you will do better as a divorce lawyer rather than claiming to be methuselah on nairaland. Women get custody in most cases not because of your simple analogy but because most men don't contest it anyway. They feel na wahala self to take care of the child so they automatically don't contest it. Most men with means and especially wives at home almost always win custody fights unless the child is under 3. Methuselah

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Nobody wins custody battle. The court goes for equal parenting and will allocate support based on time spent with the kid(s), income and other factors. I mentioned ground for loss of custody by either parent.
Keep deluding yourself.
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NairalandFAYOSE:
I don't Think My family will like this. they don't really like her that much Cus they say she is "AFTER ONE"

Tell them that she is now 'AFTER FOUR'; remember she has 3 more kids for you. Ask them if they can also determine the COUNTS of other ladies (including those married to your critical siblings) that chose to abort theirs perhaps in several occasions to look guiltless. Considering the attitude of your wife's family, I am persuaded to conclude that she must have undergone severe persecution during the incident of that unwanted pregnancy. Your wife's choice to keep the baby, despite all, says a lot about her character and personality.

helpee:
thanks. People like you just come online to talk. This is not divorce. Even in divorce, there is no such rule. It only applies if the man us not married such that he has no wife to take care of the child. A very good friend of mine just got custody of his 6yr old daughter from his former and threw a welcome party for them. Funny the other woman is not yet remarried so the husband claimed he has a more balanced home to care of her and provided proofs he had been paying school fees etc. They give to the mother if the husband is not married but no hard and fast rule. A 3rd party custody can be given to the grandmother. So don't just assume. Find out. When the child is less than 3yrs old, the tendency is the mother but not always. A 7yr old with married father.....na the father get him pikin
EDITED
The major reason why many mothers get custody in divorce cases is because the husband couldn't have been married before the divorce is completed so no way to prove he has a wife at home. In this case, they were probably not married. Just child out of wedlock. If it gets to welfare, they don't think twice before awarding custody to the father

Do you remember that I had said earlier: ".....in cases where the father fights the mother for custody, because he is richer and has more clout. He would however have to prove that the woman is an unfit mother, or she lacks the means to adequately take care of the kids."

You corroborated my statement, when you said your friend got custody of his 6-year old kid, "because the other woman is not yet remarried so the husband claimed he has a more balanced home to care of her and provided proofs he had been paying school fees." By showing the other woman had not remarried, and he was paying school fees, he had proved she lacked the means to adequately take care of the child.

Now, how many divorce proceedings in court, have you witnessed? In majority of them, an underage child will often be asked to stay with the mother, while the man pays alimony, except like I said earlier 'he fights the mother for custody.' Your friend obviously fought for custody, of their daughter.

And the reason why most men do not get custody, isn't because they are not married. In fact, most of the time, the reason for the divorce could be due to the fact, that the man has another woman or wife. Other reasons like domestic violence, neglect, absenteeism etc, also account for divorce. And most women are not given custody because they are married, but because the judge often believes that while children are young, they need their mothers most in their formative years. Psychological studies also support this fact.

In the case of the OP, the child's father does not even want the child anymore, while the mother wants the child, badly. So who do you think the judge will give the child to, if the case gets to court? A father who is not interested in the child, or a mother that is willing and able to take care of her child? And you do not know much about welfare offices. You said "A 7yr old with married father.....na the father get him pikin." Proof of Paternity is not being decided here, but the well-being of the child, and who can best take care of the kid. Most welfare officers would ask the mother to take care of the child, while the man pays cost of upkeep, for the kid.

InvertedHammer:

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Nobody wins custody battle. The court goes for equal parenting and will allocate support based on time spent with the kid(s), income and other factors. I mentioned ground for loss of custody by either parent.
Keep deluding yourself.
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my lawyer sir!!!! Yes you can win full custody. Court can grant full custody to one parent, shared custody to both, 3rd party custody, temporary custody. Etc. So you see, you don't have to be so old to research

NairalandFAYOSE:
being with the mum means being with me. I don't think I want that.
have read so many comments here where people are calling me names and saying am selfish without even considering if I have the means to take care of her plus my kids. but no one is blaming the useless father who abandoned her daughter because he is married.
I know for sure my woman won't take it if its the other way round.

I only seek advice and if you want to blame me, I will say you should first put yourself in my shoes

The child has been with the father for the past 6 years or longer. She is equally your wife's responsibility, and unfortunately she failed her daughter.
I'm surprised your wife didn't let you meet her daughter before getting married to you. Shame many Nigerian parents are selfish, and only think about their own needs.
Your family don't like her because she's after1 but she has also given birth to 3 children bearing your name.
Has the child's father said he won't be responsible for the needs of his daughter? Let the man contribute to her school fees, and don't forget the girl in question is also your wife's responsibility.
All that talk about changing the girl's surname to yours is balderdash. She has her own father, who has been responsible for her since birth and I wouldn't say he abandoned her.
It may be safer for her to be with her mother than with a wicked stepmother. Unfortunately, she seems to be saddled with a stepfather that her very existence irritates him. From frying pan to fire.
Your wife has to do right by her child, and I hope she gets her priorities straight.

[quote author=LaudableXX post=70021801][/quote] you like stories. Who told you that once the husband claims he is paying school fees it means the wife cant take care of the child? Even if custody is granted to the wife, who told you the husband will stop paying school fees? Read about child custody first then you can make a more informed discussion

From the op comments, I see an immature cry baby who isn't ripe for marriage yet

helpee:
you like stories. Who told you that once the husband claims he is paying school fees it means the wife cant take care of the child? Even if custody is granted to the wife, who told you the husband will stop paying school fees? Read about child custody first then you can make a more informed discussion

Once a man goes to court, to prove he is paying school fees including other bills for taking care of the daughter, when he is fighting for custody, he is trying to show the court, that the woman lacks the means or ability to take care of the child.

If custody is granted to the wife, nobody says the man will stop paying school fees. In fact the court will compel him to pay alimony, which includes school fees and cost of upkeep, for the child. You know absolutely zero about child custody, yet you keep arguing.

happy wife = happy home

NairalandFAYOSE:
I don't Think My family will like this. they don't really like her that much Cus they say she is "AFTER ONE"

Dude, stop the childishness already!

I doubt if you love your wife as you profess. Remember that she is human and also have 50% stack to the house, if you guys are married statutorily.

This is her daughter and your step daughter for goodness sake. The dad even tried to have cared for the little girl up until now. Kids are suppose to be taken cared of, by their parents; the father have tried, it is now your wife’s turn; assist her in doing that.

When you married her, you know she have a package, agreed the little girl was not staying with her then, but the truth is; there is no way you will marry a lady who already have other kid(s) and think you can forever put a distance between them.

More so, this girl is your child’s big sister; you child shares DNA and blood with her; unite them and let them grow in harmony and together under the same roof.

Don’t mind people telling you to adopt the kid, he already have a father; she just want to live with her mom.

Step in your wife’s shoes for a second and see if you will prefer she stays with other relatives when you are available.

Op you are very senseless am not concerned weather you take in the girl or not. But you are so stupid as a single man to frolic with a single mother. That is the repercussion of what you are facing. It's your headache so deal with it.

this woman you have spoken so good about is obviously not as foolish as you, more reality of the rubbish you gotten yourself into will accost you as time goes on. Women are so devious and pretentious not to talk of single mothers....thats why they advise young men to stay away from them, this woman obviously trapped you cos she knows it's only a fool like you that will accept the rubbish. Single mothers are very experienced you are stupid enough not to know. Oh you think she is your wife , open your eyes and stay composed you will soon see there is more to what the ordinary eyes can see.

jookco:
The heart of men is extremely wicked, for you to even ask this question, you have dominic mindset bro. You married a woman with a child, that child automatically becomes your step son or daughter. Over here in America you don't see people behaving like this. My wife step dad takes care of her like his own daughter.
Our people have a dangerous mindset Jeeez.

That is the difference between Nigerians and the western culture. We are a very wicked people, and only after what we will gain. If we feel there is no personal gain for us in a situation, we jump and pass.
Infact, many homes abroad have step father/ step mother thing, and the way they treat themselves is not an issue at all.

Guy, take the girl into your family, nobody knows tomorrow, and make sure u treat her like your daughter too... if the father later come back in the future, the girl will still respect you as her father, she will bless you, and will treat u more than her biological father..


BE WISE!!!!

Also the girl is a real blood sister to his children.

yinnyme:



You are a good man, few persons will seldom married a woman like that, she is good as well because she didn't change her behaviour after the wedding, life is tricky and funny, your wife needs the child more than ever right now to help with chores and don't be surprised she probably made the move and it could be the best moves ever made.
Take the child as your daughter because she's your wife's daughter and by extension yours. I always say treat people like you knew they will make it the next day. She could be your golden goose as someone earlier said.

SUPERPACK:
do all the necessary documentation and adopt the child to be your own, you never can tell who she will be in future, don't abandon her, because it might hunt your wife and frustrate your marriage.
May God lead you towards the right path.

may God bless you for this thought

reyscrub:
Since your wife is hard working and is capable of taking care of the boy, nothing bad if her baby is with her ok. Blood is ticker than water so she can't let her product be far from her as you will never allow your child be taking away from you. Any body can fall prey to the love bait of boys and girls this day.

If you mistakenly have a child outside, you will think of bring him home and either appeal or force your wife to live with your boy abi.

I'm talking from experience because I married my wife with 6 years old boy and now I have a girl and a boy now they are three altogether and we live together. I ensure that all the three bear my surname and my wife agree and till this moment I claim him as my firstborn of my family and all the children see them self as the same father the same mother unknowingly.

So nothing is special or bad in married-after-one parent as a wife if she makes you happy and support you financially, spiritually, emotionally and prayerfully. My wife loves me like she can die for me nothing thinking twice on my cause because I ensure that all that consigns her is taking care off always.

Allow peace to rain in your home and don't allow people to confuse you with their local knowledge.

Take the boy home and make your wife happy ok.

Oga, I hope you've legalised/formalised the adoption. Someone's elses child bearing your name can get complicated o.

yes sir take the baby to your house and take care of her just as you to your children

LaudableXX:

Once a man goes to court, to prove he is paying school fees including other bills for taking care of the daughter, when he is fighting for custody, he is trying to show the court, that the woman lacks the means or ability to take care of the child.

If custody is granted to the wife, nobody says the man will stop paying school fees. In fact the court will compel him to pay alimony, which includes school fees and cost of upkeep, for the child. You know absolutely zero about child custody, yet you keep arguing.

What is the one saying ?/Hope I am arguing with somebody I think because the moment I suspect otherwise I will run. So once somebody is paying school fees, the other person must not be capable. Are you for real? Showing you pay school fees only proves you are capable it doesn't mean the other person is not capable. So if the husband pays school fees it means the wife must tell the school that they should reject the school fees to prove she is capable or what. In Africa, who pays school fees even if the wife is okay. Please don't let me assume I am arguing with somebody that I am now assuming

NairalandFAYOSE:
being with the mum means being with me. I don't think I want that.
have read so many comments here where people are calling me names and saying am selfish without even considering if I have the means to take care of her plus my kids. but no one is blaming the useless father who abandoned her daughter because he is married.
I know for sure my woman won't take it if its the other way round.

I only seek advice and if you want to blame me, I will say you should first put yourself in my shoes

sir blame the father of that child all you want but it still does not change the good man you are, accept the child and move on. today am a product of grass to grace and the same people who threw me out wants to associate.

NairalandFAYOSE:
I don't Think My family will like this. they don't really like her that much Cus they say she is "AFTER ONE"

Are your family married to your wife or you?
How many times have they come to your rescue when you need help?
All they do is talk and talk. Bro go ahead and make your family happy

The only situation possible here is to appeal to you bro. Take the girl and make her one of yours. That is destiny for you. Your happiness in marriage is far more important than the presence of that innocent girl. However be grateful that she is still mouldable and she knows what is going on. Try your best as a responsible step father to train her to the highest academic level you want for your own children and never maltreat her so that she won't become a nuisance and bad influence on your own children. May God help you and give you the strength and capacity to do all this.

There is nothing wrong In you allowing the little girl to stay with you. Let brotherly love continue Hebrew 13:1

helpee:
What is the one saying ?/Hope I am arguing with somebody I think because the moment I suspect otherwise I will run. So once somebody is paying school fees, the other person must not be capable. Are you for real? Showing you pay school fees only proves you are capable it doesn't mean the other person is not capable. So if the husband pays school fees it means the wife must tell the school that they should reject the school fees to prove she is capable or what. In Africa, who pays school fees even if the wife is okay. Please don't let me assume I am arguing with somebody that I am now assuming

Guy, try and read my posts with understanding, before you hit your keyboard. A man who is not interested in getting custody of his kid, would not bring up the issue of school fees in court, even if he has been paying such fees.

But by bringing up issue of paying school fees, and other bills associated with the child's upbringing, he is trying to show that the woman lacks the means (whether financial or material means) to take care of the child, which is why he is fighting for custody. Most men who are not interested custody, do not even bother to show up in court at every hearing, because their lawyers are there to represent their interest.

If the woman can also show proof that she has picked up other bills pertaining to the child, and she has a good well-paid job or regular income, as well as a comfortable home and supportive caregivers to assist her, she would win the custody case, even if the man fights her for the child.

NairalandFAYOSE:
pardon my blunders.
I was aware she has a baby before we met but still continued the relationship because the baby is with the father. she told me it was a mistake and the guy's family doesn't support their relationship. so they went their different ways while the guy kept the baby.

when we started, I found out she's humble, hardworking and she's everything I ever wanted in a woman. so we got married 4 years ago and have a 3 year old son and 2 beautiful twins (just 3 months old).

now the problem started when she went to church and her ex brought her 7 years old daughter unannounced. that he's married now and can't continue taking Care of the girl.
she called me from church and told me. immediately I told her not to bring a child thats not mine to me. she now took the baby to her mom and came home to meet me with my kids.
she has been begging me since to allow the baby in our home because the mother gave her 3 days to come and take her baby from her.

nairalanders pls I need your advice on this. those it make sense that I take the baby while the father is out there enjoying his life.

My brother don't mind the hypocrites wey full Nairaland! They are great at giving advice's which they themselves cannot keep. The innocent girl is supposed to be with her father not your wife. Children does not belong to only one person. The girl knows her real father. The hypocrites here are attacking you for standing by your own family first. The hypocrites will not contribute money for food, education and medication of the child but will be here blaming.
Don't mind the hypocrites!

Allow the child to come and stay with you and her mum

helpee:
You guys are blackmailing the guy into accepting what he doesn't want. The issue is, I CAN NEVER FEEL GUILTY REJECTING A CHILD WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE AND WHOSE GRANDMOTHER IS REJECTING. Why is the mother of the wife rejecting her? Somebody said because the mother is Alive. So is the father dead? He can accept if he is comfortable with it. If he is not, he shouldn't feel guilty. Why cant the new wife of the father accept her too? Op, you better don't care what all these nairalander moralist say. Real life is different. You know a retired judge raised by step father. Millions exist like that. Likewise millions of stepfather are hated by their step children regardless of the sacrifice the stepfather made. I know so many too. So it is not a yardstick. Reject the child if you don't want and never feel guilty (the father, the wife of the father, the mother of the mother all rejected her and they are not feeling guilty because it is not convenient for them) Accept her if you want....but never because all these moralist are blackmailing you into it

No one is blackmailing him to accept the child against his will....more so he was the one that asked for opinions, my guess is; if this is a foregone conclusion, he will not be here asking for opinion.

As for the grandmother, it is not her responsibility to take care of the child. The parents of a child owns that responsibility and obligation.

In a normal separated couples, the little girl will be shared between the mother and the father in turns...no one knows how far, she has been staying with the Dad, but it is now the mother’s turn to do the needful.

If this guy love his wife as he professes, he will accommodate his own step-daughter, who shares the same dna with his kid under his roof.

Donjazzy12:
My brother don't mind the hypocrites wey full Nairaland! They are great at giving advice's which they themselves cannot keep. The innocent girl is supposed to be with her father not your wife. Children does not belong to only one person. The girl knows her real father. The hypocrites here are attacking you for standing by your own family first. The hypocrites will not contribute money for food, education and medication of the child but will be here blaming.
Don't mind the hypocrites!

"The child is supposed to be with the father?" So the mother does not have a responsibility towards the child again, especially since the father has rejected the kid? Did she not give birth to the girl?

reyscrub:
Since your wife is hard working and is capable of taking care of the boy, nothing bad if her baby is with her ok. Blood is ticker than water so she can't let her product be far from her as you will never allow your child be taking away from you. Any body can fall prey to the love bait of boys and girls this day.

If you mistakenly have a child outside, you will think of bring him home and either appeal or force your wife to live with your boy abi.

I'm talking from experience because I married my wife with 6 years old boy and now I have a girl and a boy now they are three altogether and we live together. I ensure that all the three bear my surname and my wife agree and till this moment I claim him as my firstborn of my family and all the children see them self as the same father the same mother unknowingly.

So nothing is special or bad in married-after-one parent as a wife if she makes you happy and support you financially, spiritually, emotionally and prayerfully. My wife loves me like she can die for me nothing thinking twice on my cause because I ensure that all that consigns her is taking care off always.

Allow peace to rain in your home and don't allow people to confuse you with their local knowledge.

Take the boy home and make your wife happy ok.

No body mistakenly got pregnant. But the father of the girl is an idiot. A child you've living with for some years is what you're dropping because of another woman. Your own daughter oooo. May herdsmen locate that idiotic man

NCANTaskForce:
It's a trap, She wants to confirm if you're truly a paedophile, You and I need know you will fall for it & press the girls breast when she's 13, .

You nailed it
I think this is exactly what the op is afraid of cos the child in question is a GIRL.