₦airaland Forum

ImaIma1:
Men do not understand it because it is their family and their family can never go wrong.

My friend just went cold after so much issues from her mother inlaw. The woman visits a lot and would spend a month and want to be treated like a queen while my friend runs helter skelter cracking her brain on breakfast, lunch and dinner for her(she can be picky)

Her and her husband were having issues because of the mum's constant interference. My friend complained but it didn't stop and so she just went quiet. When her MIL visits, she would be a dutiful DIL and nothing extra. Her hubby noticed her distance but it was late.

It took intervention from her dad and respected family members that resolved it and talked some sense to the husband. Now his mum hardly visits though her and her DIL are cool.

Men are clueless most times.

Very clueless oo


It seems men don't know having visitors is stress on its own.

Pls don't allow her come into ur home for now as much as ur spirit doesn't carry it. Lobby husby to take care of her expenses from afar while u help do proper followup. Also be careful and remain prayerful remembering that ur home is built by the wisdom of a woman. God bless u ma

Acidosis:
A wife don't have to agree for a man to do whatever he wants for his blood (brothers, sisters, dad and mom), wherever and whenever he wants. She's going to get a prior notice, room for deliberations, but the final decision rests in his hands. That's a basic and a final principle.

It is the responsibility of the woman to prove her points well enough to convince the man.. are you gonna tell him his people are wicked and out there to haunt him down? Would the flimsy excuses on this thread pass the test?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Let me go to the OP.

NoToPile:
Osheyy!!!

I guess you are not married yet.

And unmarried people don't have preferences, ideologies, decisions and opinion? Wehdon Ma

TonyeBarcanista:
Blame the husband my brother! A man that allows a woman to prevent him from rendering help to his own blood!

I only spared her husband just to show respect.

babythug:
1. She's young and won't suit your purpose in terms of helping with baby and house chores especially if shes going to attend school too.

2.Your instincts are likely to be right about taking her in.

3. Don't let your husband pressure you into what you're not comfortable doing .

1. True

2. Hmmmmm

3. False. Expect the husband is asking her to do something wrong or harmful to herself, there is nothing wrong in the husband pressuring her to do something to his advantage.

We pressure loved ones all the time

bukatyne:
1. True

2. Hmmmmm

3. False. Expect the husband is asking her to do something wrong or harmful to herself, there is nothing wrong in the husband pressuring her to do something to his advantage.

We pressure loved ones all the time

I don't.

Clarathomp:
I appreciate that you liked some points about my post. This is not an alternate handle, I used to be on nairaland but I quit and deactivated my account for over two years now, the forum had become too toxic like a cancer for my liking. I created a new handle because I needed to contact someone for information. You know how it is with nairaland, you send a message request and wait for that person to respond.

Believe me, I wasn't planning on ever commenting or posting again because that's how the misunderstandings, drama, insults & toxicity starts. These things are really not my cup of tea. However I couldn't resist responding to you because I felt the need to try and explain how women think or feel in certain situations, in the hopes that your gender may perhaps begin to understand us a bit, when we are not 100% on board with certain things you men want to do and hopefully these gender wars may ease up a bit too.

Point 3, wasn't entirely based on my personal experience alone. Recall I said, I have seen my own family life and history, play out in most families & homes (this is not an exaggeration). I am a full grown woman now and this same childhood drama of mine, keeps playing out in homes I'm acquainted with. I smile to myself, shake my head and say these men don't learn (meaning no offence to any man here)

My own fear is this - I don't want to relive my childhood experience if I can help it. The issue is not that I have automatically acquired a dislike or hatred for potential in-laws, no. The issue is fear of re-living an unpleasant experience. Think about this for a moment, I was only a child and young woman in that scenario but I felt the pain of what my father's people would often do in our household, now imagine what that was like for my mother. If my history were to repeat itself, I would no longer be a child but a wife/mother in this case, at the brunt and receiving end of things. Not an easy thing to deal with.

Men want us to be tolerant, patient, warm and receptive towards their families. We can do that, we are not saying we can't or we won't. BUT when your folks dive into a recurring pattern of crossing boundaries and being disrespectful, we need you to step in and put an end to it, once and forever. Remember I said a recurring pattern, meaning their bad behaviour has occurred more than once so that is not the time to be preaching a sermon of tolerance to us. Everyone has a limit and breaking point.

The problems also arise and continue, when you men refuse to call your people to order expecting us to tolerate their bad behaviour (something my own father did) and I wonder to myself for how long can any sane woman or human being for that matter tolerate bad behaviour, without erupting like a volcano one day.

I admit that my mindset may be messed up because of my experience and I'll need to work on that, but biko nuu if it smells like or looks anything like the behaviour of my father's people I will hesitate big time even about tying the knot. I don't object to helping or supporting family members, but must it be in your space, within close quarters where the potential for them to cast news like CNN about what goes on in your home, is magnified? And you know CNN is pro-America they don't cast news objectively like Aljazeera does (in my opinion), that's the same way external relatives tend to broadcast news too.

This story is just by the way.......One of my male cousins (let's call him Judas) who lived with us from childhood to adulthood and was catered for by my dad, didn't even show up at the hospital or place a phone call to inquire about my dad's health, when popsie was in a life threatening medical situation. My dad paid Judas' school fees all through primary school to university. Judas went for youth service and decided to sever ties with us for no apparent reason any of us could point to. My dad treated Judas better than his own father ever did and see how he acted. Judas knew about the situation because he has stayed in touch with another cousin who grew up with us. Judas' parents were both alive, not sick or handicapped. I still can't understand why my dad took full responsibility for him like that when his parents were alive. Judas' attitude is a typical attitude I have also seen happen in other homes with a man's relatives.

The other day, I over heard my mother mocking my father and asking him, where are all those your brothers and other family members you used to help, like your life depended on it? Where are they now, that the chips are down and you are no longer thriving? I secretly smiled to myself not because I enjoyed her taunting my dad, but because there was truth in everything she was saying to him.

I wish married men and women would understand this - you have made history with your parents & siblings, when you marry please it is time to start creating a new history with your new family. Do not discard your old family (especially your parents) BUT do not make the old family a priority over and above your new family. Because when the chips are down it is usually your wife or husband who has really got your back. Good siblings may have your back too, but if yours are like my father's siblings you are on a very long thing.

Please cater for your parents more than you do your siblings (even scripture talks about caring for aged parents, it says nothing about catering for healthy & grown up siblings...but I stand to be corrected). If your siblings are not handicapped or aged like our parents, do not carry their matter on your head unnecessarily. Let them hustle for themselves and don't let any of them give birth to kids anyhow and begin to pawn them off you, like my father's people did.

And now I have said too much, that wasn't my intention. I'm out.

Not sure if I'm drawn to the articulate way you write (state your points) or how you express your opinion without causing offense - well done.

While I agree with some things you mentioned, I would implore you to be careful of what I perceive to be a bias against the relatives of men (in a marriage). It is very easy to hit a confirmation bias which often causes people to stop trying to explore possibilities in a situation (think communication blockades). There is no doubt that our personal experiences somewhat shape our thoughts/approach but you must always keep in mind that it's your own truth and not 'the truth', therefore, resisting the urge to generalize.

Anyway, in this day of "men are scum", it is refreshing to read from a female who seems to be willing to have a genuine conversation on the issues and complexities of a male/female relationship, especially, in marriage (rare on NL and most social media platforms).


...jisike!

Acidosis:
It's so funny how we judge people before we even get to know/meet them.

According to you, you and your hubby are still getting to know each other, so how come you've already known a far away in-law, a young and innocent kid you haven't even met and the possible outcome of your hubby's request?

This is one of the things I so much dislike about marriages. Most women these days just go into marriage with an already-made mindset about in-laws. These stereotypical mindset is passed down from their grandmom to their moms and now to them. There is no greater form of witchcraft than this nonsensical mindset.

Which begs the question....

Where the mothers not right?

As much as we want to blame the OP, most husband's family constitute themselves as a pain in the neck to the wives.

An 11yr old is still a child that should be disciplined. Let's not pretend that OP might walk on egg shells to accommodate the lass and overlook some things.

Clarathomp:
Dear Acidosis,

You judge us (women) too harshly. I think our life experiences tend to shape our thoughts, feelings and default reactions to things. For example I grew up in a family where my father's people (i.e. my mother's in-laws) were hardly ever helpful around the house. They were only good at taking, taking and taking never giving back anything good in return. They would visit empty handed and still look for what they could take away while some of their children were already living with us and being catered for by my dad. Both their parents being alive in our case too.

My mom's people on the other hand were the sweetest, they weren't so well to do but they would visit with the little they could afford like a bag of garri, oranges or whatever food stuff was in season at that time in the village. In addition to that, they would help around the house with chores and generally be so awesome that when it was time for them to leave, we felt bad.

Please stay with me because I'm going somewhere with this. My father's people were the sort of guests you wished wouldn't visit because of their selfish & entitled attitude. They were the sort of guests you tolerated and were eager for them to leave whereas my mother's people were the sort of guests you celebrated and didn't want to see them go anytime soon.

Growing up, I have seen my own family life & history, repeat itself and play out in most families/homes. One thing has become clear to me. A man's family/people tend to have little or no regard for his wife and his household even though they keep claiming brotherhood with him. A man's people also come in with this mentality & attitude, that this is my brother's house so the tendency to behave poorly triples.

A woman's family/people on the other hand, are mindful of the fact that even though this is my sister's house I need to be respectful of her spouse & household and they conduct themselves appropriately in a way and manner that a man's family wouldn't do. There are rare exceptions though where a woman's family/people can be the troublesome in-laws......but from personal experience the issues often come from a man's people.

Based on my own personal experience as a child and young adult (whilst growing up in my parents house) I mentally cringe and hesitate at the thought of having my man's people live with us in marriage. Mind you, I am still single and not even in a serious dating relationship, but the thought of that happening mentally stresses me out because of my childhood experience with my father's folks. Those people were like ticks (that insect that feeds on a dog, sucks the blood out of it and then falls off when it is full) This is a statement of fact and not a case of me bad mouthing my father's people. My mother didn't even try to pollute my mind against them, they did that all by themselves through their deeds.

That is why I began by saying you've judged us too harshly and people's life experiences tend to shape and inform their thought processes. Having a man's relatives live with his family, hardly ever goes well and I still don't understand why you men like to insist on this, even when some of you grew up in the sort of scenario I described above and know the cons of such an arrangement.

Hahahahahaha,

I like your jelenke post.

Welcome to Nigeria.... They know what's up yet will suddenly become ignorant of the consequences of their actions.

TonyeBarcanista:
You don't know them and you should ask questions next time.

Her husband is the BOSS of their home, being a boss doesn't mean he won't "consult" or seek opinion of the wife (OPINION) especially when he finds her sensible but he makes the decision.

As a man, his home is also open to his family, they can show up at any time without his permission (quote me) and he can show up at any time in their own houses without their permission. All he had to do is to notify them of his coming ditto them.

My Sister (his wife) can show up at the houses of any of her in-laws and stay as long as she wishes if her husband permit and if necessary, all she has to do is to notify/inform them and that's it. If I want to visit my sister's house, I don't even call her husband! I only tell my sister, she informs her husband and (unconsciously seek/get permission- which she always get), and I go there and stay as long as I desire if I wish and if necessary. That is family!

The kids are so free with each other that you won't even know which kid is for which parent.

My Dear, I don't know the kind of family you have or your mentality but I just showed you a picture of my own family. In my family we have each others back. We are one! My wife is not starting a new family with me, she is integrating into mine while I accept hers as mine.

OP and her comrades should stop exhibiting witchcraft towards in-laws

Are you a Christian?

Acidosis:
Your in-laws should be ready to accept whatever discipline, food, clothe, and anything you so decide to do with the child. There is no right or wrong approach. When a child comes to live with you, the parents automatically lose the right to dictate what to do with the child in your home. If they're not satisfied with the way you and your hubby run your home, just leave the door open for them to walk away.

Hahahahahaha

Lack of experience always shine through.

Funny how I can't pick much married man on this thread.

bukatyne:
Are you a Christian?

Yes Ma! And?

bukatyne:
Hahahahahaha
Lack of experience always shine through.
Funny how I can't pick much married man on this thread.

Aunty I don't have to be married to understand issues relating to commonsense

OP, as others have said before, don't take her in. You can help the parents with school fees and send them money or food from time to time.

She's too little to render the kind of help you need and these things only end in unneccesary drama anyways.


As per Mama's boys, they are the worst kind!!! I experienced it first hand, please ladies, the moment you catch a whiff of it, RUN as fast as your legs can carry you.
The marriage is no more now, not solely because of her but she contributed largely to the breakdown.

Mindfulness:
I don't.

You're back from a forced self-hibernation.


So, tell me, how's life in Europe as an half caste outcast?

Last I checked, the whites called you a black African refugee, looking past your claim to their ancestral heritage.

Glory-graber!

ClassicQueen:
Please all I need an advice concerning an issue in my home . I and my husband have been married for just a year plus and not up to 2years. I have a 2Months old baby. Before I had the baby that is immediately after our wedding, hubby told me about how he intended bringing in his elder brothers daughter of 11 to live with us and I declined. The reason I didnt allow it is because both of her parents are still alive ....The mother knew their condition and how they are managing and she gave birth to 5 children this family live in just one room in Lagos. The woman is not working while the man is managing a small laundry business which is not even thriving.

The issue I have now is that hubby is pleading with me to please bring the girl to help me baby sit my child while he will be responsible for her school fees. my maternity leave will soon be over and I need someone to help abit but not the girl because I don't want anyone to take my kind heart for granted and tell me that I'm maltreating the child or using her as a nanny . You know how people especially in laws behave that is why I'm still sceptical about it. Please my people what do u advise I do? Bearing in mind that our marriage is not even up to 2years we are still getting to know each other with my husband. Please advice...

Sorry for any typo error

If you have a better option for a baby sitter inform your husband and bring her into the house

That her parents had 5 children in this hard times shouldn't make you feel angered about them

Poor people take solace in sex and they will still breed more kids since the wife have nothing doing always at home and the husband loves sex

Non of the 2 can caution each other unless real hunger

If you like the girl take her in and if you don't like her get alternative for your self

At the end of it all, you will be the one to suffer it more if you don't have anyone to baby sit your child

And you know what, hubby will just be looking at you just like that

eluquenson:
What I can deduce from all these posts is that most women doesn't like their in-laws in whatever form. Its the bitter truth, but some do love their in-laws from the depth of their heart.

That's why most ladies detest their husband having a second wife.

@Op, you have made the right decisions and stick to it cos your intent will surely prevail. That child is just too young to do the chores.

Take your child to crèche

Are ladies supposed to be happy when their husbands take second wives? Are you sure that you are okay?

ireneidiva:
Are ladies supposed to be happy when their husbands take second wives? Are you sure that you are okay?

I'm okay, but you ladies are too selfish
Even it's written boldly in the Bible so why won't you be happy if your man marries a 2nd wife.

eluquenson:
I'm okay, but you ladies are too selfish
Even it's written boldly in the Bible so why won't you be happy if your man marries a 2nd wife.

The Bible says men should marry two wives? Or that women should be happy when their husbands marry extra wives? No, you are not okay.

I have been following the thread from page one without comments. I have heard different comments which majority is from women as against taking in the girl. why would most women don't like their husband pple? I term it as wickedness, this pple has bin coming as family and if am to say you the newly wedded wife is the stranger, they supported their son / brother to marry u. Now to carry them along is the problem. why will they not like u if u are good. Am not married yet, I made it a principle that no woman can try that with me, as a matter of facts I like agreement hence any lady that cannot welcome any member of my family is not my destined wife. the first lady said no I purse her and the second accepted and right now she is with my mum taking care of my ill nephew. My pple are lovely and they honor my choice, so any woman I bring they accept and love her, why will she not reciprocate? This is one of the reasons why most ladies is lacking good husband. Let educate our young ladies by telling them the truth. no family that love their son and not love the son's wife, the wives are the only always causing problems generating unnecessary hatred

ireneidiva:
The Bible says men should marry two wives? Or that women should be happy when their husbands marry extra wives? No, you are not okay.

Am sorry if my statements hurts you, you ladies are the cause of extra marital affairs. What's the problem with having a 2nd wife?

I think this is the height of selfishness & sheer wickedness in ladies.

Jonny2wealth:
I have been following the thread from page one without comments. I have heard different comments which majority is from women as against taking in the girl. why would most women don't like their husband pple? I term it as wickedness, this pple has bin coming as family and if am to say you the newly wedded wife is the stranger, they supported their son / brother to marry u. Now to carry them along is the problem. why will they not like u if u are good. Am not married yet, I made it a principle that no woman can try that with me, as a matter of facts I like agreement hence any lady that cannot welcome any member of my family is not my destined wife. the first lady said no I purse her and the second accepted and right now she is with my mum taking care of my ill nephew. My pple are lovely and they honor my choice, so any woman I bring they accept and love her, why will she not reciprocate? This is one of the reasons why most ladies is lacking good husband. Let educate our young ladies by telling them the truth. no family that love their son and not love the son's wife, the wives are the only always causing problems generating unnecessary hatred

Ok it is settled then. You can bring your entire village to come and live with you and your wife.

Jonny2wealth:
I have been following the thread from page one without comments. I have heard different comments which majority is from women as against taking in the girl. why would most women don't like their husband pple? I term it as wickedness, this pple has bin coming as family and if am to say you the newly wedded wife is the stranger, they supported their son / brother to marry u. Now to carry them along is the problem. why will they not like u if u are good. Am not married yet, I made it a principle that no woman can try that with me, as a matter of facts I like agreement hence any lady that cannot welcome any member of my family is not my destined wife. the first lady said no I purse her and the second accepted and right now she is with my mum taking care of my ill nephew. My pple are lovely and they honor my choice, so any woman I bring they accept and love her, why will she not reciprocate? This is one of the reasons why most ladies is lacking good husband. Let educate our young ladies by telling them the truth. no family that love their son and not love the son's wife, the wives are the only always causing problems generating unnecessary hatred

You are a true son of your father!

ireneidiva:
The Bible says men should marry two wives? Or that women should be happy when their husbands marry extra wives? No, you are not okay.

** Never at anytime did GOD permit a woman to be married to two men at a time, unlike men.

*** No known deity punishes a man because he is sexually unfaithful to his wife or he married more than 1wife as long as the 2nd wife wasn't snatched from another man.

*** GOD wasn't perturbed when Sarah offered her slave girl to Abraham to wife, but was ready to strike when Abraham willingly offered Sarah twice to two kings

*** Deut 24: 1-4 puts it even clearer.

*** 1 cor 11: 7b ...for the woman is the glory of man.

[quote author=Jonny2wealth post=71234167]I have been following the thread from page one without comments. I have heard different comments which majority is from women as against taking in the girl. why would most women don't like their husband pple? I term it as wickedness, this pple has bin coming as family and if am to say you the newly wedded wife is the stranger, they supported their son / brother to marry u. Now to carry them along is the problem. why will they not like u if u are good. Am not married yet, I made it a principle that no woman can try that with me, as a matter of facts I like agreement hence any lady that cannot welcome any member of my family is not my destined wife. the first lady said no I purse her and the second accepted and right now she is with my mum taking care of my ill nephew. My pple are lovely and they honor my choice, so any woman I bring they accept and love her, why will she not reciprocate? This is one of the reasons why most ladies is lacking good husband. Let educate our young ladies by telling them the truth. no family that love their son and not love the son's wife, the wives are the only always causing problems generating unnecessary hatred[

Jonny2wealth:
I have been following the thread from page one without comments. I have heard different comments which majority is from women as against taking in the girl. why would most women don't like their husband pple? I term it as wickedness, this pple has bin coming as family and if am to say you the newly wedded wife is the stranger, they supported their son / brother to marry u. Now to carry them along is the problem. why will they not like u if u are good. Am not married yet, I made it a principle that no woman can try that with me, as a matter of facts I like agreement hence any lady that cannot welcome any member of my family is not my destined wife. the first lady said no I purse her and the second accepted and right now she is with my mum taking care of my ill nephew. My pple are lovely and they honor my choice, so any woman I bring they accept and love her, why will she not reciprocate? This is one of the reasons why most ladies is lacking good husband. Let educate our young ladies by telling them the truth. no family that love their son and not love the son's wife, the wives are the only always causing problems generating unnecessary hatred

Bros I understand your point..the truth is ''no be as you dey think am na so e be''...marriage comes with its own luggage that sometimes without much choice you must carry.. just pray you and your spouse are closely aligned in mindset and it becomes easy. Sometimes our imperfections and oversight have the better part of us..see it like this, you have been with you family all you life(tolerating,accommodating and accepting them) you don't expect him/her to do same overnight..I'm blessed with a wife who blended into my family seamlessly but does this mean there are no disagreements? of course there are but as family do we disagree to agree.
On the issue at hand...I can say it all boils down to the husband, wife and the individual/s coming into the house once there is a large drift in ideology, wahalla dey o cos my idea of discipline might be maltreatment to someone else..my nephew(19) has been with us for over 2yrs and if I don't tell you,you will think he is my wife's brother.

TonyeBarcanista:
I stand by my word!

My niece is my child and my wife MUST srr her as hers as well. Any woman that has the kind of mentality towards my people is unfit to be my wife.

You are a disgrace to humanity. I spit on u. Tueeeh

I wonder why the man in question didnt have his niece living with him before he got married.
Why did she have to come after he got married? Is it so the wife can look after his niece, while he dodges the responsibility that comes with raising a prepubertal teen?
It's so easy to push responsibilities we ourselves cannot take up on others.

TonyeBarcanista:
I call the shot in MY home because I am the BOSS and HEAD.

She has to and must be loyal/submissive to my authority if she really want to be married.

When it comes to my family (parents, siblings, niece etc) NOBODY can prevent them from accessing my home and living as long as they desire

Give this a break already. My very good friend was as bashful and boastful as you. He was the alpha male and king of the jungle till he got married. He thought marriage was dating and while we all tried to advice him to softpedal on the head of the home ish and total submissiveness nonsense, he couldn't be persuaded.

Today he is a married man, the irony is that a he is softer than a kitten. The wife has made mince meat of his ego and shredded all that alpha male power to nothing.

He complains, we laugh. A wise man knows the real make up of a woman.

Nature has a way with your type, so cool down.

@ OP, don't ever allow that. It happened to me. I won't go through the whole story but be rest assured that this decision is one you should not accept. Anyone you didn't meet and accept at your husband's house prior to marriage has no business being there after marriage. Love your in-laws, pamper them when they visit but draw the line against any of them staying with you. It almost always never ends well.

Acidosis:
Your in-laws should be ready to accept whatever discipline, food, clothe, and anything you so decide to do with the child. There is no right or wrong approach. When a child comes to live with you, the parents automatically lose the right to dictate what to do with the child in your home. If they're not satisfied with the way you and your hubby run your home, just leave the door open for them to walk away.

This is in an ideal situation and should be the case

Again this is easier to type than actualise. Especially here in Africa. Some cultures don't even permit as it were a wife sending an in-law on errands irrespective of age. Where there is seamless interactions between in-laws usually the people are highly educated and perhaps upper class folks generally . I foresee the OP for eg waking the girl up early to complete chores before going to school and that will be interpreted as child labour etc etc ..