₦airaland Forum

Seahawk:
Yea. The problem won’t marriahes today is that women are not willing to tolerate abuse and disrespect from their husbands. How dare they?

Your post is a whole load of bullshit that encourages male misbehavior and passes all the buck on the women to keep tolerating bullshit in order to keep their so called marriages.

Your post is disgusting to say the least.

truthsayer009:
The post is really honest & we both know it. I know the most parts of Africa/Nigeria don't really favour Women in terms of Marriage. Women these days don't want to tolerate bullshit anymore, So Divorce is on the Rise. Irresponsibility among fathers have always been honestly.

Go back & take a look at this old "Royco" advert, I'm sure you must have seen it when you were little. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZYyinIXhlU

You will notice the useless behaviour of a Man who just came back from work snubbing his Wife all because he was hungry until she cooked. I swear if this Advert was done today, It won't even see the light of day. Feminist will almost burn down the Ad Company.

Johnbosco1:
Wonderful piece by OP, if I may...

One of the greatest reasons why we have broken homes I must say, is LACK OF TOLERANCE AND PASSION TO BECOME EVEN that is so prevalent amongst mothers. It has become a Pandora's box with cans of Worm inside that is so much eating up marriages and it seems everyone has failed to comprehend it.

Besides the terrible state of our country which I believe contributes to the rate of broken marriages, mothers on the other hand, seem to have forgotten how important they are to their Children. They have neglected the most important bond on earth, "mothers-child-bond".

While I was growing up, I could point out so many irresponsible men that have had successful marriage because of the breed of awesome women(wives) they had. But today, the so called "responsible men" are not making it to a successful five years in marriage, let alone the irresponsible ones. But why is that?

I spoke to a lady who the husband had accused of cheating and her response to me was in the light of this "yes he cheated on me with my best friend and I felt the need to become even, so I cheated on him with his best friend too". What the heck! What's even more annoying, was that she had with her, their four and six year old kids who were being cuddled by their father while she explained her part of the story to me. I was speechless. I felt ashamed, not to talk more, disturbed. This experience made me rethink in a heartbeat about those days as a child when I watched Mom and Dad argue(never about cheating) and I felt that Dad was always at fault, that there was no shred of guilt, whatsoever on mom. Was my discernment really fair on Dad at those moments? Or was I being sentimental because of this "mother-child-bond" that binds Mom and all of my Siblings together? Whether or not these were the right thoughts at that point in time was not my problem.

While the behaviors of the parents have an impact on their child(ren), mothers however have been known to have the greatest impact. In fact, a family without a mother has had a hugh vacuum no one would ever fill for a very long time if not forever. Children tend to capitalize and act more on their mother's behavior so easily than they will with their father.

Irresponsibility among fathers have always been but what we see now is nothing close to being irresponsible. They are pure "proud fakeass efekefe ungrateful yawoyawo overstylish fathers" who find it so hard to say "thank you" to their wives after eating a meal prepared by them.

It pains me so much when I see many cute couples' pre-wedding and wedding photos on Nairaland/others just to realize that they may not live up to those "early love, trust, happiness and vow". Weeping.... Someone please get me a hanky...hmmmm....wiping my nose, then eyes....

I am sad. I sometimes feel scared of what the future holds. Should I remain single? Should I join the click of men that are producing "babymamas upandown"? No way! I love kids and I can't stand the thought of them not enjoying both their parents simultaneously like I did. I still do. And if my Mum and Dad can do it, I sure as hail can do it, even better.

If you are reading this, this is challenge to you. Others have failed doesn't mean yours will. You can do better. You are far better than them. I wish us courage, real love, trust, "our significant rib". I wish us well.


PS. LETTER TO MY DEAR FUTURE WIFE!!!

Dear future wife,

If you are reading this, I promise to give you all the love and attention in the world that I can give plus 100% of my vow.

Please kindly cross my path IF you are ready to give all to me

Yours future Hubby,
Johnbosco

OGHENAOGIE:
a very interesting quote here...sm women feel once the man can't measure up in providing for d family...all hell shd be let lose..if d woman provide for d home kini big deal

Ugosample:
I agree with most of what you said

apart from this part

"They were taught right"

That's a lie

Most Nigerians were not taught right.

Beating kids like goats is not equivalent to teaching right.

hero2000:
By Olusola Aladejebi

One of the exam questions for a 3 year old nursery 1 boy is: Who pays your school fees? Now, in the social awareness class, the pupils had been taught the family and the ‘roles’ of each member. Daddy’s role is to pay school fees. But there is a problem. This boy’s father is a not a responsible man. The boy’s education (and that of his older one) has been the responsibility of the mother. To his exam question, at first, the boy replied that father pays his school fees (according to what he had been taught). After a moment, he corrected himself, and said mother pays school fees. His teacher pondered his response and marked him correct anyway!

Although in most urban families, school fees come from both parents, teaching that father pays fees is meant to introduce his role as provider to little children. Some may criticize such social awareness curriculum as parochial and not updated enough to reflect ‘modern day reality’. They ask, ‘what if the child is a raised by a single parent—mother?’ But we must recall that for little children we must keep it simple; no complications and complexities. It is this ‘modern day reality’ that is the concern.

If a phenomenon occurs only very rarely, it can be discounted and we can safely generalize the vast majority. We teach children that humans have 5 fingers per hand. But we also know that some babies were born with 6 fingers in one or both hands. We don’t bother to teach this because such happens so rarely. The ‘problem’ with teaching little children that, “father pays school fees”, is that the contrary is becoming common—Irresponsible husbands, baby mama phenomenon, divorcee, and worst of all, LGBT. On the whole, homes are becoming broken and more broken. The forces fragmenting families are remorseless—they won’t abate as far as I can see. To have a working love-filled family is becoming an exception rather than the rule.

There is no way we can wish away the crisis in family life. The implications of this crisis affects us every day. Children must be born. If they are unfortunate to be brought up in a dysfunctional setting, the world has added to the number of potential mischief-makers. Potential money ritualist. Potential terrorist. Potential child rapist. Potential treasury looter.

The cases of irresponsible husbands/fathers are now alarming. They are comfortable that the woman is the breadwinner and are not eager to end the imbalance. Some of them even maltreat the poor woman sweating to provide for the household. In some cases the wife comes to a point where she can no longer put up with his irresponsible behaviour and off she goes—separation or divorce.

Irresponsibility in a man is not first a financial fact. It is primarily a state of mind. Refusal to provide for the family is the outshoot. At the same time, a man could be able to provide for his ‘dependencies’ and yet be irresponsible. Many young music stars have about 4 baby mamas—4 children from 4 women and married to none! Since they are millionaires sending money to these children’s mothers is no big deal. But money won’t provide internal security to the children; it won’t be a source of guidance; it won’t give that heart-felt love that emanates from a father to his children.

Several research has shown that children who are raised by 2 parents, who are both responsible and dedicated, usually perform well in school. Not only that, the risk for emotional and behavioural problems are lower among children in 2-parent households on average. Crime statistics show that people from stable families are much less likely to be involved in crime than those from fragmented homes.

As much as it indeed better for a child to be raised in a 2-parent family, there is a caveat. They must both be responsible and dedicated. In some cases it is much better to be raised by a single parent than some 2-parent households. A household that has an abusive husband/father is damaging to the psyche of any child. Spouse violence, either mutual or one-sided, could lead to depression and low self-esteem in children.

The good old traditional family is one in which the father takes responsibility for his family. He looks out for the wife and children. In short, he is the head of the family. Now, does that mean he must out earn his wife? No, not necessarily. If husband is a teacher and wife is a medical doctor, all things being equal, wife would earn more than her man; or a situation in which the man is (temporarily) unemployed while the wife has a job. But this financial fact should not prevent him from taking responsibility for his wife and children. This awkward situation in which the man is not a contributor to the family upkeep can be very trying. This has led to many marital breakups. Some women believe that once they earn more than their husbands they get ‘promoted’ to headship of the family. But if managed wisely this situation could result in greater mutual respect for each other. The man may use this period to discover others way of showing love to his wife apart from providing money. And hopefully when he starts to earn again, he still continues in his hard times discoveries.

There is no need to discuss homosexual unions. Children raised in such places are denied an essential component of our common humanity. It would never result in a good outcome.

http://mouthpiece.com.ng/families-to-the-frying-pan-and-to-the-fire/

Seahawk:
It was honest bs

Because irresponsibility amongst men has always existed doesn’t mean it didn’t have effects on marriages

bukatyne:
Traditionally, if the wife provides for the family, what becomes the husband's duty?

bukatyne:
When you tell your child not to lie and instruct him to tell your creditor 'you are not homr/sleeping: You teach them hypocrisy in addition to lying and lack of integrity. They can cut corners to get to their destination.

Toseenlove:
Keep on deceiving and brainwashing yourself by yourself.

truthsayer009:
Aren't we saying the same thing?
read my comment again.

Seahawk:
He’s blaming the failure of marriages now on women because they refused to tolerate the irresponsibility of men.

You think that’s the truth. I don’t think it is.

bukatyne:
I would have taken your closing seriously if I did not read your whole post.

The earlier you realize that:

Irresponsible fathers + angelic mothers = awesome families and children

Is an unstable model, the better for you. Most of the women in that model were miserable and warned their daughters not to make the mistakes they did and this is the fallout today.

I know a woman who missed it in marriage and hounds the youths to never to do so. Quizzes the girls so hard that they know they can't fail her. Outside, you would see a loving wife to an irresponsible husband; inside, you would she is biting her fingers daily.

Instead of you to tell me to brace up (you pointed out their irresponsibility), you want women to continue enduring in pain.

We have passed that stage and like I always say, good husbands + good wives would make good homes irrespective of what the society is like.

Happy new year.

truthsayer009:
Yes it is true. Not that it's a good thing but lets accept the realities of the past so we can put it aside. Most of our mothers endured so much rubbish from our fathers. But at that time they didn't even see it as offensive because an average woman wasn't ambitious as they are now. Women are known back then to be mainly caregivers. That is the sole reason Polygamy worked fine then and not now, they just sat at home & took care of the children & are contented with it. I'm referring to 60s to 90s.

Internet has come & time has changed, I think the greatest Gift to Women is the Internet. A way for all women to come together & speak their minds. usually women who are doing well financially do not tolerate shit from Men & probably end up being single mothers not because there are no Men out there. It would amaze you that there are a lot of successful single mothers in Nigeria, not making noise.

Whether we like it or not, It is going to take a while for Men to realise that times have changed. During this period, divorce will be on the rise.

Seahawk:
Tolerating an abusive marriage and having it last for decades doesn’t mean the marriage wasn’t a failure.

The marriage start to fail when irresponsibility from the man is tolerated. The failure doesn’t start when the women wakes up and decides enough is enough. That’s my point

Ugosample:
It's not fair putting this on women tho

We should have NEVER made it seem OK for men to be "irresponsible" or have a free pass btw.

Now the women have had enough, and everything don scatter.

The day a lot of men retrace their steps, things will turn out a whole lot better

bukatyne:
I would have taken your closing seriously if I did not read your whole post.

The earlier you realize that:

Irresponsible fathers + angelic mothers = awesome families and children

Is an unstable model, the better for you. Most of the women in that model were miserable and warned their daughters not to make the mistakes they did and this is the fallout today.

I know a woman who missed it in marriage and hounds the youths to never to do so. Quizzes the girls so hard that they know they can't fail her. Outside, you would see a loving wife to an irresponsible husband; inside, you would she is biting her fingers daily.

Instead of you to tell me to brace up (you pointed out their irresponsibility), you want women to continue enduring in pain.

We have passed that stage and like I always say, good husbands + good wives would make good homes irrespective of what the society is like.

Happy new year.

Seahawk:
Yea. The problem won’t marriahes today is that women are not willing to tolerate abuse and disrespect from their husbands. How dare they?

Your post is a whole load of bullshit that encourages male misbehavior and passes all the buck on the women to keep tolerating bullshit in order to keep their so called marriages.

Your post is disgusting to say the least.

Oluwaseunsodiq:
I believe it's because the society has laid way too much emphasis on marriage. You don't have to be married to live a fulfilled life.

ypeace:
Several research has shown that children who are raised by 2 parents, who are both responsible and dedicated, usually perform well in school. Not only that, the risk for emotional and behavioural problems are lower among children in 2-parent households on average. Crime statistics show that people from stable families are much less likely to be involved in crime than those from fragmented homes.


@op or anyone, please I am interested in the result of these research and statistics. Links to them will be appreciated.

Thanks.

truthsayer009:
Yes it is true. Not that it's a good thing but lets accept the realities of the past so we can put it aside. Most of our mothers endured so much rubbish from our fathers. But at that time they didn't even see it as offensive because an average woman wasn't ambitious as they are now. Women are known back then to be mainly caregivers. That is the sole reason Polygamy worked fine then and not now, they just sat at home & took care of the children & are contented with it. I'm referring to 60s to 90s.

Internet has come & time has changed, I think the greatest Gift to Women is the Internet. A way for all women to come together & speak their minds. usually women who are doing well financially do not tolerate shit from Men & probably end up being single mothers not because there are no Men out there. It would amaze you that there are a lot of successful single mothers in Nigeria, not making noise.

Whether we like it or not, It is going to take a while for Men to realise that times have changed. During this period, divorce will be on the rise.

Mindfulness:
@bold
How do you know?

truthsayer009:
Because they never complained.

Mindfulness:
They did.

truthsayer009:
I was referring to the 60s to 90s? Did you read my earlier comment

Please can you give me a reference to where women complained before now?

Mindfulness:
Yes, I can. I know women of these generations who were complaining. How you people even come to such conclusions that everyone was content puzzles me.

Twinmama:
OP, I love your write up, I read it this morning on your facebook page, where someone asked you to paste in on Nairaland.
It's a must read.

Our society is becoming more immoral as the day goes by, but one thing stands sure "we are the architect of our fortune/misfortune"
We all have the power to make our family work, we just need to make the right choice, sustained with right attitude and Godly backing.
As more family morals are erroding, there are still beautiful family out there and people who have determined to make family work.
I just hope YOU reading this will choose to make it work irrespective of YOUR antecedent.

truthsayer009:
We came to the conclusion because we are yet to see a reference where women complained. Even if they were complaining, Who would know?

No medium to share their thoughts back then except their neighbourhood, No internet. Even on Radio back then Ray Power, Channels Tv, DBN & others, I never heard that women complain of being caregivers. You can talk of physical abuse, Yes. But caregivers, No.

hero2000:
www.kon.org/urc/v5/mahalihali.html

gloria34:
U took it out of my mouth. I fear marriage not because i come from a broken home but because i watched my mom sacrifice her life for a man who i Cant confidently say loves her. I know when i get married, i would not want to have a broken home but what if my husband turns out to be like my dad after marriage? It simply means i will live like my mom. endure beatings, working tirelessly to feed my kids and say school fees, watch my husband bring other women to our house etc. D thought of it makes me sick

Mindfulness:
We do not need modern media to know it. We all have mothers, grandmothers and great-grandmothers, aunties and other females who are older than us. I do not have to rely on modern media to know that women have never been a homogenous mass and that there have always been individuals who were not content with the status quo.

truthsayer009:
Are we talking about the Majority here or the Minority? because me I'm tired of this back & forth. You're calling grandmothers and great-grandmothers for real?

Habba Sir/Ma why are you lying? Those days where polygamy was the order of the day.

hero2000:
I am not trying to scare you but statistics say those who come from broken homes have higher chances having broken families themselves. So you have to do the proper things to ensure you don't repeat it.

This is statistics. it is not bound to repeat itself.