₦airaland Forum

Kunlegzy:
Omo I need the babe oo

Naija4lifeYank:
This is more than apt.
This will be my only post on Nairaland. I'm only posting so no man goes through what I went through.
I live in the US.
My marriage crashed when I came home to marry a Naija-based angel. I never planned to come home to marry. I trusted my friend's report of good behavior from his family member not knowing he knew it was all a ruse. It was a planned job.
My father died from medical complications and having lost my mom much earlier, I came home to bury him. The Naija-based lady knew I was now an orphan used all her wiles to pretend to love me. Pretended to be helping to fill the void left by my parents and I finally agreed to marry her.
I was earning well over $180,000 a year and had luxury home and luxury car.
She arrived and within 1 month, I knew I had made the mistake of my life.
She demanded a luxury SUV since I had one and I told her it didn't make any sense to have two gas-guzzlers in the home. She immediately went into a tantrum. This was someone not contributing anything to the home financially. I got her a brand new Honda Accord. She wasn't very satisfied.
She started buying clothes. Every weekend it was a bill of $600 for clothes. I told her that's not how we spend money in America, she kept going. Always complaining. That she didn't have enough clothes. She is Igbo, so I paid for all the wedding in Nigeria. her family probably contributed only her wedding dress.
So I was starting to think who is this clown that I married.
She got pregnant and then started threatening me with potentially divorce & Child support if I don't do things that make her happy.
One day I got back from work (4 months after wedding) and she had been entertaining another man in the home that I paid all the mortgage on. I knew this because somebody had used the ipad at home to view his Instagram and Facebook and forgot to sign out.
I confronted her and she denied it. She started taking calls from all manner of men from Nigeria, sometimes going to the bathroom to talk to them
Fast forward, one day she told me her cousin from Nigeria was coming to our city in Maryland and could he stay in our home. I found out that the guy was not her cousin really and shut it down. She started saying by US law the home belonged to her and her kids. I told her I had a baseball bat and if she had 10 heads, she should bring the "cousin" to come visit.
By the time she had our son, she had become a full-fledged monster. Refusing to cook, etc. I did most of the house work and had a cleaner come clean the house.
I divorced her shortly after. I had to start paying her child support until God came to my rescue and the Judge decided I was the better parent and I won custody of my son.
It was the worst experience of my life and I lost so much. Her family was in on the whole thing. I assume they were so greedy to want my home
Before anyone asks, I never cheated on her. or hit her.
She did everything those women do: she called the cops to the house during an argument. I was so worried she was going to lie about physical abuse that never happened. I lived in FEAR in my own home. NEVER going to that state of things again. I'm free now.

For those who say the wife took a loan for school, so how did you send her through school, most times you co-sponsor the loan for the wife using your credit
I'll never be married again (I'm still in my thirties) and NEVER marry a woman from Nigeria again.

khiaa:
The bolded is your problem, gain about 300 pounds and you will have to beat those Nigerian gorillas off with a stick.

Angela777:
Hmmm, my story is similar to yours but I am an American and he was a Nigerian I brought to US.
It is always like that, if we are honest givers, cheaters and takers see it fast and use us. Sorry about your marriage

sweetilicious:
I had someone from UK that wanted me.I was advised by some useless friends to marry him and divorce him later.I thank God I had the spirit of God in me. I simply told him that I don't love him.And that I wouldn't want to marry him because he lives in UK as it's not my priority and I don't ever want to it to be ticked for me as was once married.People need to be careful and involve God for guidance.Do not just hop in.It can sting.Marriage is a union.

Ishilove:
If my refusal to encourage domestic laziness makes me a feminist, then I will wear the toga proudly.

You people just want someone you can use as cook and house help, and when you tire of her, you move on to the next. Were you not washing your own darned clothes and cleaning your own darned house before you met me? You haven't even wifed me yet but you want to abdicate your domestic responsibility to me. If you want me to perform wife duties for you, make it frigging legal by putting a ring on it!!

Una dey try. Mscheeew.

TaminaliaCatapa:
You are lucky bro, all the best!
Many here don’t understand the struggle, some don’t even know what marriage entails

Excuzeme:
You are very true, what you wrote.
I am even worried that some people are trying to cover-up or divert attention from the truth, the reality.

A few things come to mind:

1.) the world has changed, marriage is no longer what it used to be. Everyone has their own "idea" of what their marriage should look like. It wont work out if you marry someone who deos not share that your "view" of marriage.

2.) Western colonization has gradually eroded the "African tradition/culture" and this has affected our marriages. What and how my mother views marriage is not how my wife views it. How my father sees marriage, l am afraid, l tried to see it like that but it is just not working!

3.) Environment affects marriage like nothing else, it is the most important factor! I have seen very nice, lovely and motherly wives who were the envy of everyone that knows them in Nigeria, for more than ten years (not a single quarrel with the husband, nice kids, e.t.c) but that marriage crashed completely within five years of relocating abroad. I have seen too many of these to conclude it is not just mere coincidence.
Why is it that most "feminist" dont have a husband or are divorced women? Is it because they dont take shyte from their husbands?
What went wrong?

4.) If you marry in Nigeria, l am sure both the husband and wife have expectations of each other (Things l will do, things you must not do, things l can take, boundaries that must not be crossed, how in-laws are treated, how family members are treated, e.t.c). These are the basis of any marital union.
Nigerian, legal, customary and traditional LAWS also support these expectations (e,g, you cant drive your husband's mother out of your "marital home" because she has become a part of the family).
All these flies out of the window, once you relocate abroad with your wife!
The "LAWS" in the western world has made Husbands completely impotent and to be honest, there is nothing "Husbands in the Western world" fear more, than their Wife! How can anyone say that is "marriage"?

Marriage should be all about happiness, bliss, love, caring, sharing, dedication, trust, mutual respect, mutual reliance and most importantly, COMMITMENT. There is no room for FEAR, in a real marriage! If you live in-fear of your spouse (husband or wife), then you are not married but dying slowly or planning to kill him/her in the nearest future.

5.) If you come from Abroad to marry a wife in Nigeria, chances, to as high as 90% you will realize it is the greatest mistake you ever made in your life.
Dont blame it on Nigerian ladies, blame it on Poverty, blame it on desperation and finally, blame it on the "change in environment and culture".
How do you expect a woman who was brought up in a "culture and environment" where she is raised to agree that she must cook for her husband, not order him around, not slap him if he misbehaves, respect his mother and allow them free access to their son and CANNOT, under any circumstance (even if they quarrel, which all couples do!) throw him out of his house..... now suddenly finds herself EXPORTED to a "culture and environment" that legalize and promote male-abuse, that says you can call 911 and without any question asked, the Police will order him out of his house WITHOUT ANY PROOF OR BENEFIT OF DOUBT, where his Mother cannot knock on her son's door at 9pm and you the wife is the one who can decide whether she stays that night or go sleep at the local police station as a "wanderer"?

How do you expect her to cope when you suddenly export her to an environment and culture which says it is okay for her to slap you at the slightest provocation but you must just walk away otherwise you will suffer double jeopardy because you will land in jail so fast, you wont know what hit you?
How do you expect her to cope when she is told by Social Workers that she can own the house, the children of the marriage and everything you have, all she needs to do is just shout "domestic violence", even if it is trumped-up?

How do you expect her to remain "sane and behave like your wife" when you export her to an environment and culture which says if you both agree to have $ex as husband and wife, (which is legal and godly), she can change her mind during the intercourse and if you dont stand up immediately, she can charge you for rape (Yes, your own wife o!) and you spend the rest of your life in jail?

I can continue to list the MADNESS that marriage in the "Western world" has become, till tomorrow,
All l am saying is that, you guys should stop fooling yourselves thinking you can import a Naija lady abroad and she would still be the same "nice wife" you know in Nigeria or the nice lady she pretends to be while, in Nigeria. She would change and it is not her fault. she just cant help it (I am not justifying it or saying it is right)...but you must not expect otherwise because if you do, it is the disappointment when she changes, that will kill you first before her actions does. (Nigerian ladies, dont be annoyed, l am just trying to prepare the mind of you potential husbands for what would happen, so they dont start forming ignorance).

6.) The Devil you know, is better than the Angel you dont know! That is a big, fat lie.
The Women abroad, especially the Akatas (Black women born and raised in the Western world, Europe, Americas) .... if you live abroad, you probably know them very well. (Less than 10% of them are "wife material).
They grew up in a culture that treats men as scum, slaves and a tool for their pleasure. they are not really into marriage, as we see it over here in Nigeria or as we experienced it between our own parents.

They just wanna be proposed to with an expensive ring, do a lavish wedding and still f*ck around like they are still single. If they have a child for you, you can never be sure who is the father so a DNA test is as cheap and accessible as a malaria test over there.
"Bastard Child" as we know it in Nigeria, does not bring "shame" to any woman over there because probably eight out of ten persons you come across was raised by a` man who is not their father but was told by their mother, that he is their father, till they found out.
They just move on.
Infact, it has become so "normalized| that men are beginning to think it is a "sign of good character" to not complain when your wife brings another man's pregnancy/child into the marriage, you just raise the kid like your own once she says 'I am sorry".

So, even if you marry an Akata in your neighborhood over there in the Western world, it is still as risky and dangerous as importing a wife from Nigeria.

And that brings us to the real issue: marriage is no longer what we know it to be.
Drop all those expectations, if you dont want to be disappointed, you will be, if you still look at it from the lens of "how it used to or was supposed to be".

Let me stop here.
My advice:
Dont marry for children, there in no guarantee they wont be taken off-you by your wife, at one point in the future. There are so many men out there who cant see, relate or even be allowed to say 'hello' to their kids, by their wife or the state. Surrogacy can give you a child of your own, without a mother and the headache of marriage! Ask Linda Ikeji if still in doubt.

Dont marry for $ex, you can get it without marriage and all its wahala. The $ex doll is a low-maintenance item that wont throw you out of your house or call Police on you or cheat on you and you can remove the battery anytime you want. She is beautiful and very life-like!

Dont marry for love, it is not what keeps a marriage or brings happiness, (Trust, Commitment, Dedication, mutual respect is what does)

Dont marry because you think your wife is submissive or will obey you, she wont once she thinks she can get-away with not doing so (Abroad standard). Women of today are being told they are not women, but Men and should act like men,

Dont marry because of beauty, that one fades faster than those fake jeans they sell at Aba.

Dont marry because you think it will bring you happiness......most married men (especially in the WEST) are living in pain, fear and bondage. How can such people even pretend to be happy (Nigerian husbands living in Nigeria should than their stars but l can assure them that it wont last for long, the evil is gradually creeping-in.

If you must marry, sign a Pre-nup (or a Post-nup if already married). have no "good expectations" from the marriage, you wont get any, anyway. It breaks when it breaks, dont hinge your happiness on it.
Marriage as of today, is all about the woman and what she selfishly wants.
The man that marries should know how much danger he is subjecting himself to. That does not stop you from marrying afterall, we know electricity kills but we still wire our houses and use it.
Those are the brutal truth that will come to pass, sooner or later, even if you dont believe it now.

PS: To some people this is trash and l agree with such people. To some it is life-saving and l still agree with them, to some. it is "wetin concern me" and those are the people l love most. Dont get worked up over this.

LordAdam16:
Bravo.

One of the few posts I've shared on NL. Thoroughly covered everything. I was going to type another epistle of this nature, but your post is sufficient.

Imagine in Oklahoma, a man has only 6 months from date of birth to test paternity of a kid. An hour after that 6 months elapse, you're responsible for that kid regardless of what the test says. So you'd still pay child support even if the kid is not yours.

As for things changing for Nigerian men? If I hear. Has it changed for men in the Middle East, in Eastern Europe, or in the Asian behemoths (China, India, et cetera)? The population of NA+EU is less than 1 billion. The world's population is 8 billion. This Western standard is not as and will never be as prevalent, especially with the identity politics been played now.

That's why China, Russia, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Hungary, India, et all are all advancing and becoming wealthy countries, but never abandoning their patriarchy. It's not by mistake. It's why Jordan has the highest female literacy rate in the ME at 92%, but men still decide how their wives and children participate in society.

It also explains why Muslim parents protested a school teaching their children about LGBT topics in the UK and the media couldn't say sh*t, but if Christian parents had done same, they'd be called bigots and homophobes. If you give women a meter, they'd take a mile; and lots of cultures have understood this around the world and as such are gleefully accepting and celebrating their patriarchy.

Bottom line: When in Rome, do as the Romans do. And if you're a woman, the Western world is the best place to be. But don't be surprised no one else wants that BS in their backyard.

Also for the men, if you're in the western world, accept it for what it is and do your best to make your country livable, so you can make your own rules while living in comfort.

-Lord

Amberon11:
We know the struggle and the fact remains that you diaspora Nigerian men can only deceive yourselves.

While I was schooling in Europe I got to witness first hand how you men behave abroad. The fact remains that most of you are broken records and nothing to right home about. You all rant about how Nigerian women are bad and bla bla bla but how many of you are good? Are you husband materials yourselves? Drinking,
partying, clubbing and frolicking with different white women even when married is what you people do on a regular so don't act like the Nigerian women are the problem.

Ishilove:
Don't mind them. They are here ranting and raving about Nigerian women, meanwhile if you check well they are more likely than not mega assholes themselves.

victorian:
To use and dump abi?

You guys are confused , una no deserve good woman . Go and beg your ex back.

Joromi12:
lol. If u want peace then u hv no business with wat he does with manhood

Joromi12:
lol. If u want peace then u hv no business with wat he does with manhood

Ugosample:
Interesting

Countries advancing because of "patriarchy?"

I have never heard about that one before

Even tho the world in general is patriarchal, even western countries are, there are underdeveloped patriachal countries and developed ones

it has nothing to do with patriarchy

is Nigeria not patriachal to the bone?

WhY is it a shithole?

I often like your posts, and it's been a while I have seen you BUT I disagree on this one

femijck:
It was constituted on the basis that 2 is better than 1. And for that reason, a woman would leave her parents to live with a man and the 2 of them shall become 1[b].
The man would love the woman he calls ‘wife’ , and the woman would respect the man she calls‘husband’. The husband shall be the head of the union i.e family.
This basis is distorted in the name of civilisation and modernisation. The west developed a very contagious disease called ‘Feminism’ and this has spread beyond control.

I don’t support domestic violence, I don’t support feminism or male chauvinism because it’s a union. But in all honesty women have taken this too far.

Amberon11:
And the husband has business with his wife's private affairs? Lmao, bloody hypocrites.

wetdick:
yes patriarchy is what developed countries, guess who built the airplane, the ships, the electricity you use, the house you use, even the economy theory and models to improve society, who invented government,who fights in wars, men, infact men built civilization.

orney:
U want a good woman? Start by bn a good man

wetdick:
this is flaw.it like saying all women are good and all men are bad, so i need to be good to get the already good women

but how come a good man or a nice man is seen as boring by many "good" women

why do this "good women" love the bad men that abuses them then reject the good men then complain that there is a lack of good men.

wetdick:
i am not down playing any thing done by women, do not forget that to nuture a child, a man needs to provide for the woman or the child will die or starve. men are the ones who built society, they are the disposable and they are the one still doing the hard jobs in society, a woman can decide to sit all days and wait for the spoil to come without doing anything or lifting a fingers. for any society to develop and be better, it needs more men doing the hard jobs and building things to make life better.

Amberon11:
In biblical times women didn't have careers. They only tended to their husband and kids. Today, women have careers and sometimes can even be more successful than their husbands. You people need to define what you want.
If you want an illiterate village girl with no education and career, go for her as that is the only kind of female who will be 100% available to cook, clean etc but you people want a career woman, cook, cleaner, dish washer, washing machine etc all in one person. Doesn't work that way.

Feminism is not the problem. The problem is men not being willing to take a dose of their own medicine.

Ugosample:
You are still missing the point.

I don't know how else to say it tho

Saying men still do the "hard jobs" is still down playing the role played by women


I respect WOMEN for tut under appreciated role they played and are still playing over centuries

Okay, you as a man do the so called "hardwork"
to what end?

wetdick:
this is flaw.it like saying all women are good and all men are bad, so i need to be good to get the already good women

but how come a good man or a nice man is seen as boring by many "good" women

why do this "good women" love the bad men that abuses them then reject the good men then complain that there is a lack of good men.

Jirair:
I'm sorry about your painful experience. It's stories like yours [and I have heard similar] that make me discount or refuse entertaining the thought of marrying a non-citizen, filing for them and bringing them from Nigeria. I would do it in a heartbeat if someone's love is genuine and true but people's love nowadays is, 97.8% of the time, rooted in deceit and pretense. One must be careful. Only a few are lucky to find genuine love. You can sponsor a spouse down here in approximately a year. I can't imagine doing that only to be abused, mistreated or dumped for someone else. As a man you could probably bounce back from this experience (I pray?), but if it were to happen to me I would be heartbroken forever. I need to protect my heart, lol.

victorian:
To use and dump abi?

You guys are confused , una no deserve good woman . Go and beg your ex back.

Ugosample:
@AngelicBeing omo iya mi


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