Excuzeme:
You are very true, what you wrote.
I am even worried that some people are trying to cover-up or divert attention from the truth, the reality.
A few things come to mind:
1.) the world has changed, marriage is no longer what it used to be. Everyone has their own "idea" of what their marriage should look like. It wont work out if you marry someone who deos not share that your "view" of marriage.
2.) Western colonization has gradually eroded the "African tradition/culture" and this has affected our marriages. What and how my mother views marriage is not how my wife views it. How my father sees marriage, l am afraid, l tried to see it like that but it is just not working!
3.) Environment affects marriage like nothing else, it is the most important factor! I have seen very nice, lovely and motherly wives who were the envy of everyone that knows them in Nigeria, for more than ten years (not a single quarrel with the husband, nice kids, e.t.c) but that marriage crashed completely within five years of relocating abroad. I have seen too many of these to conclude it is not just mere coincidence.
Why is it that most "feminist" dont have a husband or are divorced women? Is it because they dont take shyte from their husbands?
What went wrong?
4.) If you marry in Nigeria, l am sure both the husband and wife have expectations of each other (Things l will do, things you must not do, things l can take, boundaries that must not be crossed, how in-laws are treated, how family members are treated, e.t.c). These are the basis of any marital union.
Nigerian, legal, customary and traditional LAWS also support these expectations (e,g, you cant drive your husband's mother out of your "marital home" because she has become a part of the family).
All these flies out of the window, once you relocate abroad with your wife!
The "LAWS" in the western world has made Husbands completely impotent and to be honest, there is nothing "Husbands in the Western world" fear more, than their Wife! How can anyone say that is "marriage"?
Marriage should be all about happiness, bliss, love, caring, sharing, dedication, trust, mutual respect, mutual reliance and most importantly, COMMITMENT. There is no room for FEAR, in a real marriage! If you live in-fear of your spouse (husband or wife), then you are not married but dying slowly or planning to kill him/her in the nearest future.
5.) If you come from Abroad to marry a wife in Nigeria, chances, to as high as 90% you will realize it is the greatest mistake you ever made in your life.
Dont blame it on Nigerian ladies, blame it on Poverty, blame it on desperation and finally, blame it on the "change in environment and culture".
How do you expect a woman who was brought up in a "culture and environment" where she is raised to agree that she must cook for her husband, not order him around, not slap him if he misbehaves, respect his mother and allow them free access to their son and CANNOT, under any circumstance (even if they quarrel, which all couples do!) throw him out of his house..... now suddenly finds herself EXPORTED to a "culture and environment" that legalize and promote male-abuse, that says you can call 911 and without any question asked, the Police will order him out of his house WITHOUT ANY PROOF OR BENEFIT OF DOUBT, where his Mother cannot knock on her son's door at 9pm and you the wife is the one who can decide whether she stays that night or go sleep at the local police station as a "wanderer"?
How do you expect her to cope when you suddenly export her to an environment and culture which says it is okay for her to slap you at the slightest provocation but you must just walk away otherwise you will suffer double jeopardy because you will land in jail so fast, you wont know what hit you?
How do you expect her to cope when she is told by Social Workers that she can own the house, the children of the marriage and everything you have, all she needs to do is just shout "domestic violence", even if it is trumped-up?
How do you expect her to remain "sane and behave like your wife" when you export her to an environment and culture which says if you both agree to have $ex as husband and wife, (which is legal and godly), she can change her mind during the intercourse and if you dont stand up immediately, she can charge you for rape (Yes, your own wife o!) and you spend the rest of your life in jail?
I can continue to list the MADNESS that marriage in the "Western world" has become, till tomorrow,
All l am saying is that, you guys should stop fooling yourselves thinking you can import a Naija lady abroad and she would still be the same "nice wife" you know in Nigeria or the nice lady she pretends to be while, in Nigeria. She would change and it is not her fault. she just cant help it (I am not justifying it or saying it is right)...but you must not expect otherwise because if you do, it is the disappointment when she changes, that will kill you first before her actions does. (Nigerian ladies, dont be annoyed, l am just trying to prepare the mind of you potential husbands for what would happen, so they dont start forming ignorance).
6.) The Devil you know, is better than the Angel you dont know! That is a big, fat lie.
The Women abroad, especially the Akatas (Black women born and raised in the Western world, Europe, Americas) .... if you live abroad, you probably know them very well. (Less than 10% of them are "wife material).
They grew up in a culture that treats men as scum, slaves and a tool for their pleasure. they are not really into marriage, as we see it over here in Nigeria or as we experienced it between our own parents.
They just wanna be proposed to with an expensive ring, do a lavish wedding and still f*ck around like they are still single. If they have a child for you, you can never be sure who is the father so a DNA test is as cheap and accessible as a malaria test over there.
"Bastard Child" as we know it in Nigeria, does not bring "shame" to any woman over there because probably eight out of ten persons you come across was raised by a` man who is not their father but was told by their mother, that he is their father, till they found out.
They just move on.
Infact, it has become so "normalized| that men are beginning to think it is a "sign of good character" to not complain when your wife brings another man's pregnancy/child into the marriage, you just raise the kid like your own once she says 'I am sorry".
So, even if you marry an Akata in your neighborhood over there in the Western world, it is still as risky and dangerous as importing a wife from Nigeria.
And that brings us to the real issue: marriage is no longer what we know it to be.
Drop all those expectations, if you dont want to be disappointed, you will be, if you still look at it from the lens of "how it used to or was supposed to be".
Let me stop here.
My advice:
Dont marry for children, there in no guarantee they wont be taken off-you by your wife, at one point in the future. There are so many men out there who cant see, relate or even be allowed to say 'hello' to their kids, by their wife or the state. Surrogacy can give you a child of your own, without a mother and the headache of marriage! Ask Linda Ikeji if still in doubt.
Dont marry for $ex, you can get it without marriage and all its wahala. The $ex doll is a low-maintenance item that wont throw you out of your house or call Police on you or cheat on you and you can remove the battery anytime you want. She is beautiful and very life-like!
Dont marry for love, it is not what keeps a marriage or brings happiness, (Trust, Commitment, Dedication, mutual respect is what does)
Dont marry because you think your wife is submissive or will obey you, she wont once she thinks she can get-away with not doing so (Abroad standard). Women of today are being told they are not women, but Men and should act like men,
Dont marry because of beauty, that one fades faster than those fake jeans they sell at Aba.
Dont marry because you think it will bring you happiness......most married men (especially in the WEST) are living in pain, fear and bondage. How can such people even pretend to be happy (Nigerian husbands living in Nigeria should than their stars but l can assure them that it wont last for long, the evil is gradually creeping-in.
If you must marry, sign a Pre-nup (or a Post-nup if already married). have no "good expectations" from the marriage, you wont get any, anyway. It breaks when it breaks, dont hinge your happiness on it.
Marriage as of today, is all about the woman and what she selfishly wants.
The man that marries should know how much danger he is subjecting himself to. That does not stop you from marrying afterall, we know electricity kills but we still wire our houses and use it.
Those are the brutal truth that will come to pass, sooner or later, even if you dont believe it now.
PS: To some people this is trash and l agree with such people. To some it is life-saving and l still agree with them, to some. it is "wetin concern me" and those are the people l love most. Dont get worked up over this. This is truly deep!  Words on marble... 1 Like 2 Shares |
