₦airaland Forum

Elesta:
Hello family, I have a long post about my terrible marriage. Please bear with me, I just have to pour everything out because it's killing me slowly.
I am in my mid 30's ,got married to this man in his mid 40's who has never been married before.We attend the same church although different branches, so the pastor of his branch and the pastor of my branch brought us together. We started dating and he seemed head over heels and started talking about marriage immediately. At first, the way he was talking and his reaction to things I wasn't interested and I even told him, but he begged me and the pastor begged me so I overlooked and continued especially considering my age. If I wasn't in my mid 30's and if I hadn't done fibroid operation and so, eager to take in, I won't have made this terrible mistake. We also work in the same place so everything seemed perfect.

Now we started making wedding plans just after one month of dating and we got married 4months after because of church process. It seemed blissful but I stumbled on his messages with a lady he was saying before me and eventually at the same time with me. I discovered he kept begging n begging her even while me n him were dating .he kept telling her to agree to attend his church or dey can be going to their separate churches but the girl kept insisting that they should attend the same church. I. e. he should leave his church and she will leave hers. Don't get me wrong, if this had happened before we started dating, I wouldn't have gotten angry. but all these happened while we were serious and even after he came to see my father, I discovered he was still pleading with her as per church matter. Who does that?? So what if she had agreed for the church matter, he would have dumped me n embarrassed my dad??

I brought it to his notice and he kept saying he never meant it, he was just using it as an excuse not to marry her.

Now in the marriage, emotional abuse never ends. Just fewonths into the marriage, he started behaving somehow bcoz I hadn't taken in. all kinds of insults oh. one day, he said if he knew I couldn't have children he won't have married me. this was just 4months into d marriage. any little thing he complains. on weekends, he expects me to get up by 7am m start preparing his breakfast oh. weekend which is supposed to b for resting since we work Monday to Friday. Every little thing, he keeps saying if he knew he won't have married me.
I still remember how he slapped me several times, he insulted me n i insulted him back, that was what caused d slap. even when he saw me crying he wasn't moved. I have complained to family members and friends ,they have spoken to him, he will change for a while and later go back to his terrible ways.
I have never seen this kind of acrimony between couple. I am not a bad looking person, I have dated people in d past, they didn't treat me half as badly as this one. I was just too unserious. I want to leave this torture. but we work in the same place and I am trying to avoid wagging tongues. I just tired. I have seen and experienced mutual love and it's not like this. I long to share love with someone that loves me just the way I am. I don't deserve to be with this animal. When it comes to food, he eats so angry if his food isn't ready on time.

Please I need advice. he went for test n it was discovered he has low sperm count. that made him humble for some fine but recently he started saying again that if he had married a younger lady, d lady would have been pregnant by now. just imagine this kind of torture. God knows I have absorbed so much from this man

Omo take this points : don’t play with your husband food,in fact you don win. If he like food that much,all you need is ask him during the few minutes he smiles,say Oga sir ... what’s your favorite and how do you want it sir?

Get it done at his preference timing.


Oya your self come check,is he always angry ? If NO then check what you always do that gets him angry. No matter how small!!

Look at things he is probably missing,anything once Na wetting Dey make guy man happy .


Anything wey Oga come Stamford bridge come play home,Abeg bring all your players oh,even go borrow Messi and Ronaldo.

Make sure you leave him .... hungry for me .......


We all get weak point,once you get it. You are good. Then go to talking point,beg on your knees and cry,make him see that it’s a big shame for him as a handsome,correct man to dey raise his hand on his wife.

Anything else you can add,all I know is that ... it’s goona work out inshallah for you.

MrDebonair:
Nigerians and their quick to judge syndrome with only one side of the story heard. As far as I am concerned, Elesta you have brought your husband to the public for castigation to validate your next move.

What else is left in the marriage? Using derogatory words to describe your husband on a public forum. In as much as I don't support domestic violence, still not the right approach to consult strangers on a faceless forum for validation.

Some of them may be talking out of ignorance, frustration, lopsided & myopic reasoning and even distorted mindset. Best you sit down with your husband on how to resolve your issues or go your different ways.

When everything goes awry, remember people here telling you all sorts won't be there to share your struggles,including myself. You will be more than alone.

Be wise in whatever decisions you make. Only you will face or damn the consequences. Regardless of anything everyone here is saying to you.

On the side, are you already talking to another man who is promising you the whole world? Just a random thought.

he has done worse to me in public. even threatening to break my head in public oh in d presence of people

This is a lesson to all of you young ladies who take good men for granted.

Take care not to end up with someone who treats you like trash.

AntiBrutus:
This guy...

izzit not true

is it not mother in law and sister in law that are many times woe to the wife?

Is it not women that are claiming status over unmarried women because they are married?

one mugu has been flashing wedding ring for the last two months on my status
every pic, she go corner her hand like mgbeke onitsha so una go see say "status don change"

una dey do unasef dey blame men

make una continue

Elesta:
Hello family, I have a long post about my terrible marriage. Please bear with me, I just have to pour everything out because it's killing me slowly.
I am in my mid 30's ,got married to this man in his mid 40's who has never been married before.We attend the same church although different branches, so the pastor of his branch and the pastor of my branch brought us together. We started dating and he seemed head over heels and started talking about marriage immediately. At first, the way he was talking and his reaction to things I wasn't interested and I even told him, but he begged me and the pastor begged me so I overlooked and continued especially considering my age. If I wasn't in my mid 30's and if I hadn't done fibroid operation and so, eager to take in, I won't have made this terrible mistake. We also work in the same place so everything seemed perfect.

Now we started making wedding plans just after one month of dating and we got married 4months after because of church process. It seemed blissful but I stumbled on his messages with a lady he was saying before me and eventually at the same time with me. I discovered he kept begging n begging her even while me n him were dating .he kept telling her to agree to attend his church or dey can be going to their separate churches but the girl kept insisting that they should attend the same church. I. e. he should leave his church and she will leave hers. Don't get me wrong, if this had happened before we started dating, I wouldn't have gotten angry. but all these happened while we were serious and even after he came to see my father, I discovered he was still pleading with her as per church matter. Who does that?? So what if she had agreed for the church matter, he would have dumped me n embarrassed my dad??

I brought it to his notice and he kept saying he never meant it, he was just using it as an excuse not to marry her.

Now in the marriage, emotional abuse never ends. Just fewonths into the marriage, he started behaving somehow bcoz I hadn't taken in. all kinds of insults oh. one day, he said if he knew I couldn't have children he won't have married me. this was just 4months into d marriage. any little thing he complains. on weekends, he expects me to get up by 7am m start preparing his breakfast oh. weekend which is supposed to b for resting since we work Monday to Friday. Every little thing, he keeps saying if he knew he won't have married me.
I still remember how he slapped me several times, he insulted me n i insulted him back, that was what caused d slap. even when he saw me crying he wasn't moved. I have complained to family members and friends ,they have spoken to him, he will change for a while and later go back to his terrible ways.
I have never seen this kind of acrimony between couple. I am not a bad looking person, I have dated people in d past, they didn't treat me half as badly as this one. I was just too unserious. I want to leave this torture. but we work in the same place and I am trying to avoid wagging tongues. I just tired. I have seen and experienced mutual love and it's not like this. I long to share love with someone that loves me just the way I am. I don't deserve to be with this animal. When it comes to food, he eats so angry if his food isn't ready on time.

Please I need advice. he went for test n it was discovered he has low sperm count. that made him humble for some fine but recently he started saying again that if he had married a younger lady, d lady would have been pregnant by now. just imagine this kind of torture. God knows I have absorbed so much from this man

U wrote

I have dated people in d past, they didn't treat me half as badly as this one. I was just too unserious


Madam keep quiet and suffer..
You were with people who treated u much better..
But u were too unserious..
I guess..u weren't serious cos u see them as nice guys and guys with no balls..

some guys are physcological not well because least thing i expect from a well being guy is "taunting a woman emotion and bullying her,that's bad

ibkayee:
You sound upset, is everything ok?

Lmao

15ssDRIVE:
Omo take this points : don’t play with your husband food,in fact you don win. If he like food that much,all you need is ask him during the few minutes he smiles,say Oga sir ... what’s your favorite and how do you want it sir?

Get it done at his preference timing.


Oya your self come check,is he always angry ? If NO then check what you always do that gets him angry. No matter how small!!

Look at things he is probably missing,anything once Na wetting Dey make guy man happy .


Anything wey Oga come Stamford bridge come play home,Abeg bring all your players oh,even go borrow Messi and Ronaldo.

Make sure you leave him .... hungry for me .......


We all get weak point,once you get it. You are good. Then go to talking point,beg on your knees and cry,make him see that it’s a big shame for him as a handsome,correct man to dey raise his hand on his wife.

Anything else you can add,all I know is that ... it’s goona work out inshallah for you.

Rubbish because he is more superior or what? Let her leave the DEAD marriage!

Mustsucceed:
Woe unto you .wait and c

thank God man no be God......why the curses?

Hmmn.

CameroonianG:
I'm looking for a female friend age 22 up, I got just few weeks here I'm from Cameroon. Stay in Lagos only Lagos girls . Rewards from anyone . Locations ajah/lekki

Mr Gigolo, try d Romance section, plenty sugar mumies dey & even pay for ur services

cedricksly:
Inasmuch As I'm not in support of beating a woman, he is wrong....... But saying alone he insulted you and you insulted him back makes you deserve those slaps you got, and your tears meant nothing to him because he was angry.... WHERE IS THE SUBMISSIVENESS YOU WERE THOUGHT IN CHURCH BEFORE THE MARRIAGE? and you think there was no better way to Err your grievances instead of engaging in tongue battle with him to show your ability to insult?? Reading your text alone, I can easily say you don't even love this guy. You simply married him because Pastors were INVOLVED & bcoz of your health issue(Operated Fibroid)... Else you won't want to run off very fast, when he isn't a threat to your life.... You just feel breaking the marriage is the first and only option you've got right LEAVE AND MARRY SOMEONE ELSE, YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET IT EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIFE, WHEN YOU FINALLY REALIZE THERE IS NO SAINT ANYWHERE IN MARRIAGE.....


And we have no right to judge or condemn your husband actions... Bcoz there are 3 Parts of a story.
YOUR PART
HIS PART
THE TRUTH

Where is the Love the bible taught men? Love your Wives as Christ loved the church. You are too biased.

ibkayee:
You sound upset, is everything ok?

Sounds bitter a whole lot of bitter
The bile is even seeping out of his ears

oohhh ibkayee what have you done

yvelchstores:
as a "youth leader", I am taken aback by the way you speak

And another one.
Please can you highlight what is wrong with "the way I speak"?
Did I spoke too harshly or use any wrong word?
Or do you have the same character flaw?

Hmmm

Ugosample:
Just so you know, women are the ones who cause problems for themselves as women

You want to tell me that you dont know that MOST of those mounting pressures on women to marry and all that are WOMEN like themselves?

how many times will a man do that
it's often time women

And it's also women that largely raise their son's not to respect women
When a man tries to be good to his wife, and do chores and all that nice things that men do, who will be the first to revolt And say that "it's like this woman has jazzed my husband? "
You guessed right, his mum

most times, fathers have no time for such things

So you women have to look deep into yourselves and stop making life difficult for each other.
that's it

We are all products of this twisted mentality but it is not too late to break out of it.

You seem not to love this guy sef.... That's what I keep telling people... You accepted him for marriage that's why to wake cook around 7am na wahala to you...He abuse you and did same back, you still compare him to what you had before him...if what you had before was perfect, why didn't you marry claiming unserious. Deal with you cos from your write up there is a problem with you that needs to be addressed..

Hmmmmm, Nigeria my country. Everybody is now a marriage counselor, I think hope has a problem, I mean from my own angle ohhhh. Op u need to work on yourself first. U HV had many relationship in the past both the one with a kid, non led into marriage. Op HV u asked yourself questions before venturing into this abusive one? Op I see u as one that talks to men anyhow. I mean before a man says 1 u HV said 100, and most times is only extroverts that does that and u married an introvert.
Lastly, op flee from that man for now. From my experience while working with an NGO on domestic violence, many of our ladies HV lost their lives in the hands of their husbands, some are blind, some disfigured. I can go on and on to tell u what I saw as field officer while working with the NGO

LilMissFavvy:
What was the old cargo of a guy doing as well? He married her in his late fourties when all his youthful strength is gone, and low sperm count/weak erection has set in.

Are you saying old age do cause low sperm count??

Elesta:
Going to church is even like a burden to him. he isn't regular in church

Stop calling your husband a monster. It's very bad.You are very disrespectful


Aside that, I fuvking blame the man for marrying an evening newspaper. Who's chances of conception is very slim with the two obvious proves before his naked eyes. Age and previous myomectomy.






*Spit*

baby124:
Ok. This confirms to me that he probably knows about his condition long before approaching you for marriage. Which is why he used a pastor to get a wife. He knows if he married a young girl, it will even be more glaring that he is the problem. Which is why he probably settled for an older lady who was desperate and, who he can pin his *shame* on.

My dear, I think you should think carefully about this. I feel your husband is ashamed and afraid he will lose you and the marriage. Or that his secret will come out. Some stupid men’s reaction to their inadequacies is to blame their wives. I think you should have a very serious conversation with your husband.

You may need to involve both pastors that caused this Union. Table all the issues and ensure he commits to be better at helping in the house, reasonable expectations, absolutely no abuse and he must pursue further medical help with transparency or you can’t guarantee the marriage will last. This is if he will honor and respect the pastors since he has achieved his aim by marrying you. I also think you need to go and seek another fertility specialists opinion to make sure that he does not have more serious issues like no sperm count. I think there is more to this.

He’s trying to beat you down emotionally so you can never leave him. He is acting out, out of fear and frustration for his own inability. He knows you can easily get remarried and move on with your life. Please, I implore you to try to work it out and see if the child issue can be resolved. If not and he is still ungrateful and stupid, please take a walk.

Are you a psychologist?

BABANGBALI:
Sister Rose, i blame you for accepting to marry a man that you knew next to nothing about just within one month of you meeting him just because your pastor and his pastor brought the two of you together. That was the first mistake you made, the second mistake was dancing to the tune of the pastors to marry the unknown man, who does that? except some of you so called born again Christians that sees pastors as being next to God and always willing and ready to accept whatever they tell you without using your own mind. I'm very sure brother Sylvanus knew he was having low sperm count before going through his pastor to look for wife and unfortunately you fell for him, that is one of the problems i have with some of these so called pastors, pairing their members together for marriage not minding if they are compatible or not.

It is obvious that you are married to a man that does not deserve you right from day one and so i am going to tell you what you wont like to hear and what many people will not tell you here, leave that man alone and move on with your life, forget about religion and all the bullshiiiiiit about for better for worse, mind you, marriage is a life long relationship, so the question is for how long how are you to live you life in sadness, mystery, with a man that does not appreciate nor truly love you. There are lots of men and women{Christians} hanging on to marriage that is not working and they are not happy in it, but they are holding on to it because of their pastors, religion, families and the fokn society.

Sister Rose i have said my own and it is not every time that i am always this serious on nairaland but you are lucky to hear this from me today because there is full network in my brain today, so take time to ponder over my piece of advice.

cc: enemyofprogress
enemyofpeace
iyangbali
notoriousbaby
dominique
fatymore
lankybaby
vickyrotex
folake4u
funjosh

thank God for Small sense

A lady marrying in her 30s will marry a left-over. She will be desperate.

Thats wht I tell ladies in their 20s thinking the whole world is after them, they can do yanga anyhow they want.

Time is ticking..you will marry anyhow person and enter anyhow marriage...

bukatyne:
Do you want solutions you can try to improve things or do you want NL to help you hang your husband?

Very good question....

You don't love him.

He also doesn't love you.

From your comments, it's very clear you did this because of age and your church.

I would absolutely not blame him, if I don't hear from the other side. But since the two of you don't love each other anyway, I suggest the both of you go your separate ways. People will talk. The church will be mad. But eventually, it's your lives and your sanity.

And after awhile, they'll stop talking.

PRESENTATION:
Really sorry about your predicament, I don’t think the problem is how long you knew each other but just character issues.

My friend is depressed now, he just ended his 4 years relationship. The lady was dating her ex and him. It is a crazy world

Na so....
Your friend indeed.
Please stay away from sniper

Elesta:
Hello f

If he remains abusive, leave while you are still young and do not have a child with him yet. Things will become complicated when a child is involved.

eni4real:
Feminists have arrived...

They will forget all news about irresponsible wives now..

"Men are scum" crew loading..

Lol...

Jen92:
Rubbish because he is more superior or what? Let her leave the DEAD marriage!

Peaceful negotiations world like fire in a good relationship about to go sour! The marriage ain’t dead yet oh.

If she leave the Dead marriage as you say,then she move to ??

eni4real:
like how old are you talking about here
Your mindset reeks of entitlement bro

Ignore that dude ... For his mind the lady should be thanking her stars cox he's talking to her..

Arrant nonsense..

Ok there is a way to disconnect from reacting emotionally to everything he does. Recognize the trigger and find a creative outlet ... bake or paint I’m here to just tell you how I was able to turn negativity into positivity

Unlike you people within my own family fed him nonsense about me some even went diabolical but you should have married a friend. Why ? Well from experience a friend is patient enough to help you through phases in life some might have their limits but true friendship leads to love and then a lasting marriage. How does this relate well if you can help your family get ready for something as early as 7am you can prepare your husbands food. It’s not a i and you thing it’s a we thing. It’s a sacrifice that extra lay in but would you really want to risk losing the one you love to pride.

I didn’t do plastic surgery I did character surgery and that’s how you keep Love

When people treat you somehow before disregarding them remember that everyone before you probably did the same thing.... sometimes it’s fear. If he has low sperm count is it something a good wife should broadcast. I was face to face I could have gotten even and told his mum everything but I said to myself I came to Love I didn’t come to fight... your not in marriage because it’s your last card your in marriage to build generations that will last and sometimes compromise is good.

Yesterday I cried cause the first time i realized you are responsible for how you behave not others but you can be the difference adapt to others and adjust your pride give room for mistakes.

Ugosample:
izzit not true

is it not mother in law and sister in law that are many times woe to the wife?

Is it not women that are claiming status over unmarried women because they are married?

one mugu has been flashing wedding ring for the last two months on my status
every pic, she go corner her hand like mgbeke onitsha so una go see say "status don change"

una dey do unasef dey blame men

make una continue

Lol. I can't even vex, it is you...