₦airaland Forum

DeeMain:
Nne, the primary programmer of humans is their family upbringing. The other agents of socialization you mentioned matter too but are not as fundamental and far reaching as the family. Secondly, consciousness is a factor that helps certain individuals break free from many limiting beliefs and programs from their family.

Note: On your birthday example, sometimes the birthdays you are celebrating is because you want to rebel against a parent or the family, who never celebrates it. It's still your parents running you in this case even though you might feel it's you being independent.

And yes people can change too but it's not as easy as you are making it.

ImaIma1:
Yeah. Some people become conscious of these limitations or flaws and break free while others become set in their ways. People need to be compromising in necessary situations and to understand that it doesn't mean letting go of what they believe in. Besides, marriage for me means working together and having each other's interests at heart.

Our birthdays were celebrated. It's my parents who never celebrated theirs. At first it felt strange when my friends had parties to celebrate their parents birthdays.

Dbeautyy:
I will advice every single lady/man or married couple's to read the book titled " Five love languages " and "Things i wish i had known Before We Married" By Gary Chapman there was a particular section dedicated to what you just stated above. For anyone who needs a pdf copy, I can send it to you if you will read it. We are shapened by environment, upbring ing, knowledge, events... And all of these goes a long way to affect us either positively or negative and in turn speaks in the way we relate with our spouse.

bukatyne:
I am going to use myself as an example.

I met my husband when I was 17+ in 100L and by then, I was very self-aware and knew the kind of man I did not want.

I also knew that money was not important to me and a kind, respectful and thoughtful man who would let me soar was it.

In short, I knew I would either wither with a typical Nigerian man or kill him. The latter more likely.

I am also not a creature of habit and hate rigidity.

Now, I met my husband/ he met me and we became best friends learning stuffs about each other which spilled into the relationship.

Some of the stuffs we learnt about each other from obversation, interaction and watching engagements with other people:

Decision making: he would say no and I would have to cajole him. When he would finally be convinced and say yes, he will package it as his idea. E.g. I brought up the idea of a local vacation last year and settled for Whispering Palms due to cost and experience. He initially said no and I said I was going with/without (I doubt I would have sha, don't like such outings alone). He said OK and asked I explain the stuff which I did. We had to go a day later than planned due to his schedule and since then, It is vacays are good. When is the next one, where are we going this year?
For me, you don't order me. You want me to do Z, tell we why and we discuss or negotiate if necessary. When we agree, I will even do pass wetin you send me.

2. I am someone who is led by example. He is someone who leads by example. For instance, he liked us to be fully accountable to each other. So he started by 'I did XYZ today. The B I told you I was doing, I couldn't meet up and did C instead. So how was your day?' and so I reciprocated. It spilled to finances and every aspects of our lives. It also meant no stringing of opposite sex friends, having 'friendships' other party couldn't know about etc.

3. We harness our resources together. We know our strengths and weaknesses and fill in for each other Irrespective of what is conventional. I remember we used to move our clothes to house where there was water and we wash together. We read together, fvcked in between and went back to our books. We shared our pocket money together and drafted text messages of 'projects' together to aunties and uncles when we were broke.

I am tired of typing however my point?

We knew ourselves 92% before we got
married.

Hadeehart101:
Isn't this the story of my life?
I'm not married yet (still a student) and my boyfriend and I met since 100L but we just started dating 8 months ago.
We are each other's best friend and everything. I can confidently say I know him more than his parents and every other person he has met combined.
We are almost always together and when we are not, we are always conversing on the phone.
Even if we don't end up getting married, the issue of not getting to know ourselves well wouldn't have been an issue at all.
PS: We both try our best to keep it a hundred with one another.
Even in our present state, we spend our pocket money together and try to source for more together. You need to see us when we are planning how much to spend in a week. LOL. Like we are actually married.

crackhaus:
I had quit marijuana, but please tell me the country they grow the specie you've been taking.

Hadeehart101:
You should not call foul when you know nothing about who he is.

crackhaus:
Who the hell is dragging knowledge of your boyfriend with you, and what is my darn business with who he is?
You're definitely coo coo...


If you were not high on some very good weed, how on earth will you claim to know someone you met in 100L more than the parents from whose loins he came forth, more than his siblings, and in fact more than every single person he has ever met? Lol...

Are you alright?

Dbeautyy:
I will advice every single lady/man or married couple's to read the book titled " Five love languages " and "Things i wish i had known Before We Married" By Gary Chapman there was a particular section dedicated to what you just stated above. For anyone who needs a pdf copy, I can send it to you if you will read it. We are shapened by environment, upbring ing, knowledge, events... And all of these goes a long way to affect us either positively or negative and in turn speaks in the way we relate with our spouse.

nlPoster:
I dont even know what to say.

@ Hadeehart101, it's good you and your boyfriend are practicing marriage (minus the sex part if you're doing that), what I can add is educate yourself on his culture so you have an idea of his personality. By culture I mean not just his origin but where he grew up. He's supposed to do the same on his end but he probably won't consider it important.
You don't know what to stay because you absolutely have nothing reasonable to say


Also, are you absolutely certain this relationship is going to lead to marriage.

bukatyne:
OH well, people should learn to be observant during courtship.

Also pray and discern.

DeeMain:
I agree. And yet sometimes the problem is that the programming is so deep and unconscious that they can't see they are wrong or that it is limiting their relationship or progress as a family. You can't change what you don't know or haven't diagnosed.

It's why I said that consciousness is key to making those changes. The ability to be open and willing to learn and get feedback from others is critical in these things.

If I were to counsel anyone intending to marry, it's the very first thing I will ask them to insist on the must-have quality of their significant other. It's on my own must- have list.

ireneidiva:
When he has been that way right from time and she decided to marry him, how will he change? If she tolerated it from the beginning, that is how she will continue. How can someone not clean his house in one month and comfortably live inside?

Hamachi:
Do u know that...
Some of the problems we have today in our marriages, is from our upbringing.?
Ok wait lemmi explain!!!

The way we were brought up comes back to affect our marriage.

I have a friend who as a growing child, her dad was the breadwinner. He paid their fees, have money for foodstuffs , paid the rent and helped dem with their home work. Her mum was a nurse but her father still played his role. She grew up with the mentality that a man should be d one to provide for his family She got married to a man who in his own family, his dad had abandoned the home affairs to his mother. She would hustle from morning till night just so dey can eat. She paid their rent and fees. Mind u, his father was not broke oh!

Now wen they got married,She expected him to bring money for feeding...wosai!! The man don dress go work. He didn't know she was angry. And sincerely he was just being normal .He didn't know he was doing something wrong. When kids started coming nko? My friend was mad. She was dying inside. To her, he should know wat to do as a man. She stopped buying the kids pampers and food. Until he brought money.

The quarrels came
The fighting came ,
the name callings came and
the beatings came too.
His family saw her as a wicked wife.
do u blame them? mbanu

That was wen i came in. I told her if u have the money,buy it. They are ur kids too. She heard me and started buying things at home.Then came the next complain "he does not appreciate my efforts "

I had a talk with him and from our discussion, i knew where the problem was coming from....his background. He kept saying..."cant she do it? After all my mother did it since i was born till date. Wat is she doing dat i wont hear word.?" See eh, any mentality u grow up with,especially wen it was practiced by people u hold dear, e dey hard to leave u. So i told my friend to keep talking to him. let him know dat d woman is only a helper not a bread winner.

In my own house, na me dey fix bulb if e die. Cos if i dont, dat warri guy no care. Na me dey fix my door handle ,or call plumber if the taps have issues. At first, i been dey vex say which kind man no go maintain him house? We stayed in a house for 3yrs without a lock on our door cos he didnt even notice it was bad. Me too i comot face. If he wont do it, let it be like that

Until i went to warri for holidays...they were all using touch to bathe in the bathroom and there was light, when i asked, they say the bulb don die since. inukwa? Bulb of how much.?
The money to buy it was not the problem but nobody mind even go there.

Am still talking sha
Something he grew up with, e go take time to change.
If i didnt understand the problem, we for dey fight everyday

U marry man wey family no dey do any gathering .Dem no even know their papa bday. Everybody on him own.
Then u want him to always be at home,care for u ,remember ur anniversary and birthdays...u enter one chance.
Wen u start complaining,he will see u as a nag.
before u know,fight don start,e go pack leave ur house.Even with dat, e no see wetin dey wrong oh!

Its not just the men,we women too get our own.

I believe communication can solve most of the problems dat fighting will cause.

It is now in our hands to train our kids the right way.Not just our daughters oh!
Becos if u train dem well igoring the boys,ur well trained daughters will end up marrying the untrained guys.Taking us back to square one

Lets give our children the best training with sound morals so dat their generation of marriages will be sweeter than ours.

i rest my case.
#copied!

Hamachi:
No, their temperament traits and what they saw their parents doing while growing up

crackhaus:
I had quit marijuana, but please tell me the country they grow the specie you've been taking.

Hamachi:
Does, that mean he cant help out?

nahzyla:
Abeg ignore that person, I doubt it's a woman sef. See her drawing conclusions way I no understand sef

ireneidiva:
$
Don't be a coward. Mention me and say your mind. I'm a woman and so what?

missjo:
You nutter
Stay quit, and don't go back to burning trees

nlPoster:
I dont even know what to say.

@ Hadeehart101, it's good you and your boyfriend are practicing marriage (minus the sex part if you're doing that), what I can add is educate yourself on his culture so you have an idea of his personality. By culture I mean not just his origin but where he grew up. He's supposed to do the same on his end but he probably won't consider it important.



Also, are you absolutely certain this relationship is going to lead to marriage.

crackhaus:
You know I won't

Hadeehart101:
We are working on the culture ish.



The only certain thing in life is death. We are working towards not splitting up but if circumstances beyond our control come into play, there's little or nothing we can do about it.

Hamachi:
are u sure?

crackhaus:
To the best of my ability, yes.

Hamachi:
Do u know that...
Some of the problems we have today in our marriages, is from our upbringing.?
Ok wait lemmi explain!!!
#copied!

nlPoster:
Nigerian marriage is not a synonym for death.

If you believe it is, why not remain single.

I've mentioned earlier, you folks should stop this type of talk, your mouth is for you alone, not other people.

Have you given your life to Christ btw? He can heal your spirit.

Hadeehart101:
1. I can't point out anywhere in my post where I typed that Nigerian marriage is a synonym for death
2. Of course, I'm speaking for me alone. Anyone that thinks I'm speaking on behalf of him or her is on their own.
3. My spirit is not injured. I don't need your advice on who and who not to give my life to.


PS: If you keep quoting me with the intention of shoving your moral and religious values down my throat, I won't reply you. You are definitely gonna be OYO.