fairfora:
My advice...I once told my wife same. In fact, I asked her to resign from her job as manager in an FMCG company which she accepted, though after much persuasion. Our daughter was barely 2 years old and she was always asleep by the time we got to the nanny who used to take care of her. The nanny would go pick her up after school and take care of her until our arrival from work, during which my lovely daughter would have been deeply asleep.

One day, the nanny said to us that her husband wasn't feeling comfortable anymore the way we kept our daughter under her care. She said we were always coming back from work late.

I had to sit my wife down and persuaded her to quit her job. I told her I'd be giving her allowance at the end of the month, like 15k as of 2008 which she accepted. She was a full-time housewife for 9 years. When the last born of our 3 kids was age 4, I called her and said, dear now is time to start doing some business, if you're interested in one, pls let me know. She eventually opted into one, in which she's doing very well now. I always empower her financially and she's a leader in that line of business where her shop is located on the lagos mainland. I made sure no maid was employed, though not easy but she accepted, for the sake of our children. Now our kids are all grown up with 2 of them already in boarding school whilst the last born would soon join them.

Marriage entails alot of sacrifices and understanding. For you to really enjoy your home, you have to be submissive to your husband afer all, its for the good of both of you. The aspect I don't seem to like in your explanation was his thinking that you'd not be submissive, should you get employed. That doesn't apply in all cases. A good woman builds her home. For the sake of your home and children, try and reason with him. You may be surprised he would be the one to encourage you to work later.

midnighter:
Since the argument is not working and his problem is * submission *, it seems you may need to change tactic

What I mean is, are you submissive normally? What happened that made him go back on you people's agreement?

Or is it that he never intended on keeping that agreement and just told you that to get you to the altar

Anyway, if you really are stubborn normally, it looks like you will have to change your strategy and start begging. Begging and pleading

Promising him that you'll still respect him after you start the work

Explaining the benefits of you having a job

Appealing to him with Bible quotes (if you people are religious)

And stuff like that

You have to make it seem to him like hes doing you a favour by allowing you to work and not that its your right or what you deserve. Maybe there is something about the way you keep insisting on it that is making him refuse to shift.

In essence, you need to calm down (even though youre frustrated) and study this dude because Im sure hes not just saying all this for nothing. He has some particular concerns about you that need to be addressed.

projectorz:

I'm in full support of what SBL28 said. In additions :

DO NOT GET PREGNANT
DO NOT GET PREGNANT
DO NOT GET PREGNANT

This is his next target since you are being stubborn about it.

You sef na wah for you! Age 21 is an age a young lady starts discovering herself. Set out goals, be on a career path. But you allowed him sweet tongue you, now you see!

When a lady marries late, people like you will call her names. Old cargo, gwegz etc.

If you allowing his pressure deter you from getting a job or at least start a business which MUST be funded by him, I hope you dont regret in future.

Again, this is a technique men use to disarm women. They will cheat maltreat, beat, break the woman. They know she has no where to run as she's fully dependent on them, wicked!

Mind you, I'm ELEVEN years in marriage. My husband fully supports me to be whatever I want to be. I'm even lagging behind sef in his view. Thats how real men behave. And yes our kids are fine and in safe hands.

BE WISE!

Desric:
The man might have his reasons why he's not permitting her to work just yet, especially in this part of the world, a lot of financially independent women seriously are not submissive in marriage, but the lady should find a way to convince her spouse the reasons why she should be allowed to work and also convince the man that his fears will never come true, that's the way to go. For me, with what I've seen so far, nobody is wrong here, it's just an issue of perception and playing safe

cococandy:
It is actually her right to work if she wants to.

He agreed in the beginning and does not need to be begged now.
If it’s a deal breaker for her. Then he’s the person who needs to adjust his thinking in this situation.

Unless she’s not serious about working.

cococandy:
Why didn’t you quit your job?

midnighter:


I'm not sure of your reasoning.

We know that it's her right and we know that he was wrong to break the agreement. I'm sure even he knows that.

BUT since he is refusing on the basis of submissiveness then the next thing is to prove him wrong, by being submissive.

She has been fighting and struggling and it's making it worse plus her family is not even supporting her. From her replies here we can see that she's not ready to compromise or consider anything else. That doesn't sound like submissiveness to me.

This is not about quoting rights but about achieving her aim, which is why I suggested that she changes her approach.

He seems to be unhappy with her actual behaviour eg the way she treats their child. Is it not better to try to alter some of the attitudes that he doesn't like so that he will be more willing to listen to her request?

The guy is willing to go even further than this until he totally messes her up, with her parents consent. The parents consent is even the crazy part that is taking the wind out of her sails.

He's the one who caused the issue but she's the one who is suffering it so I suggest that she uses her smarts to get what she wants instead of trying to drag with him when he is clearly not interested.

Or, to use an adage that I learned on here, "stoop to conquer".

To me, if she were actually serious about working she would leave the human rights talk and appeal to his sympathy by working on his psyche.

He clearly doesn't care about her "rights" right now! So she should take another avenue and get him to feel like he's the one helping her and not that she deserves it

fairfora:
Cos I was earning 3 times what she earned and also felt, apart from the 15k I was giving her every month, I was still committed to the normal monthly upkeep which was quite sufficient. In 2010, I quit my job to set up my own business which has also grown of which she is also a director, though she's not involved in any activity. At the end of each year, till date, when we do profit sharing she still gets her own share. Right now, she's going to get the biggest share ever...I won't tell you what she'd get just a couple of years ago, in recognition of my company's input in saving lives in Nigeria, I was invited by an organisation in the US, during which US president addressed all participants from across the globe inside the daughters of American revolution hall in DC. I still took her along as one of the directors.

Simba0806:


Your parents know you more. If they say you are stubborn, THEN YOU ARE. they must have been saying this to you since u were in school, but all u do is trying to convince them to see things from your perspective.

Better treat your husband like he is the MASTER/ BOSS at work place, else u may be contemplating parking out. You were too young to marry at 21. At that age, you were still trying to stabilize your emotions. For goodness sake, if your HUSBAND says he doesn't want you to work, CANT YOU RESPECT THAT OPINION? husband means MASTER. if our ladies are not ready to treat men like a master pls don't dabble into marriage. Treat and respect him/his opinions like a KING and see if you will not be the QUEEN by his side. How can u be arguing with your husband because you went to school? This is one of the topics our parents failed to stress much. HUMILITY. I rest my case. I am married and have a beautiful baby. And I am enjoying my home because my wife has gone to school BUT STILL HAS A TEACHEABLE heart

cococandy:
It was a rhetorical question

fairfora:
deserving a rhetorical answer, right ? The decision paid off ultimately and I'm going be forever grateful for her sense of submission.

Simba0806:


I perceive you are not married. If you are, you'll treat your wife worst than this if you don't get that RESPECT YOU desire in the marriage. RESPECT!!

The only thing a married man can't be sure of getting outside his home is RESPECT. Well, now that you are not her brother or husband, help her with a positive advice.

SBL28:
You have to take some hard decisions. Your parents failed you by not fighting for you, it is now left to you to save yourself.

You should be doing something meaningful with your life. Why did he not marry a stark illiterate instead of imprisoning someone's daughter.

Go and start looking for a job and avoid getting pregnant at this period (that is what some men use to pin down their wives). If he wants to break the marriage because of that, let him. You can't just be sitting on your hands waiting for him to feed you for the rest of your life.


Edited to add for the slow pokes here yarning dust under my comment:

No sensible man will divorce his wife because she got a job. She can't be crying about not being able to do a job when she does not even have one in the first place. For how long will she continue to nurture her husband's insecurities?? She should look for a job that won't be too far, somewhere she won't have to close late so he won't have more ammunition to use against her.

Many older women today regret not standing up for themselves on time. The earlier the issue is trashed out the better.

cococandy:
Lol. He’s still answering

cococandy:
The basis of my reasoning is that rarely do people who act high handedly towards others get worn over by begging and all that stuff.

Most likely it will fuel his ego and reinforce the idea to him that he is the one who gets to decide what she does with her life.

She doesn’t necessarily have to point a gun at him and state “I have to start working today or something bad happens “

But when she gets serious, he will know. And it won’t be the begging him that will convince him.

Elina123:

Accept whatever e tells u and any one u don't like u bring it up with care and love not raising voices and quarrelling it makes the man feels u can't be controlled. The more u make him feel that the more he wants to do things to controlled u and make u obey everything he says.

Elina123:
Am a lady and let the truth be told.

U are a disrespectful woman and very stubborn.
For better for worse as it was said so stop complaining.

Lata u will say u are a Christian but the same Bible says lady's be submissive to ur husband.

Accept whatever e tells u and any one u don't like u bring it up with care and love not raising voices and quarrelling it makes the man feels u can't be controlled. The more u make him feel that the more he wants to do things to controlled u and make u obey everything he says.


So wan face ur marriage and don't disturb our peace.

CSNg:


WTF did I just read? Are you high on crack cocaine?

Flier:
You have seen it all at the age of 24.You are just 24 and I can imagine you are still very much pretty.
[s]Don't be weak you should be able to threaten him [/s]

frozen70:


Stop being fastidious because of your age, you lack the experience of what you are clamouring for

As for work, keep it aside and try to have the number of kids you guys want so that you will be done with child bearing and start working

Raising kids is more difficult than working even

Go to him and calm him down and assure him of your loyalty

Remove shakara and pride so that you can humble yourself

If you think you need to be busy, get pregnant, it's enough to keep you busy

Time will come, he will be the one to give you options to take from getting a job and having a store

Don't try to run faster than your shadow, the main race is still ahead

Simba0806:


I perceive you are not married. If you are, you'll treat your wife worst than this if you don't get that RESPECT YOU desire in the marriage. RESPECT!!

The only thing a married man can't be sure of getting outside his home is RESPECT. Well, now that you are not her brother or husband, help her with a positive advice.

Nwaonyishi69:
All I know is that when these marital crises take off it will always be difficult to get at the whole truth from one side. Yet, experience teaches that unless a woman is ready to be a wife, the house will always be somehow tensed and real joy for all will be far.

SBL28:


[s]Shut up there, chairwoman of the suffering and smiling club. The same Bible asked men to love their wives like Christ loved the church. What the OP's husband is doing to her, is that an embodiment of love. Or the poster told you she has not discussed it with him calmly? Why should a man even want to control his wife. Is that what the Bible preaches
So being submissive is letting a man ruin your life and then you wake up at 50, children have left the house and you have absolutely nothing to show Radarada.[/s]

cococandy:
He doesn’t have to permit her . He’s not her daddy. Get it straight

Forward77:



Good point

Damilolacoker:



*He was raised by a single mom .
*well not really. I don't know why he's so adamant on this one .
*my mom doesn't even want to listen to me, they all think I'm just being stubborn. They just listened to him and decided I was wrong .

Damilolacoker:
Hello everyone I'm 24 years old and I have been married for three years. last year we had our first baby . Prior to our wedding, I and my husband decided I'll be allowed to work once our baby is old enough to attend day Care. Now our daughter is almost 2 years and he has refused to let me work. We've had countless arguments about this and it always ends with him saying women who work are not always submissive. I cannot be a full house wife , I am educated and cannot sit at home all say.

He recently told my parents I was being rude to him and they're all saying I should do whatever my husband wants. I love him but on this issue, I refuse to agree with him.

The other part here is he doesn't like me correcting our daughter. She's almost 2 and it irritates him whenever I try to potty train her or scold her. He insists I go to check up on Her at school during break hours. I understand that she's quite young but as her mother, I want the best for her.

Now he's changed towards me, he doesn't care or pamper me like he used to , sometimes he refuses to eat at home and when I try to speak with him, he's always very cold. Please help me, I don't know what to do anymore.

Fountainofyouth:



I agree that I'm not married and would soon marry, but pls don't tell me you're married, if you are, I pity your wife, I really pity her, because a time will come she will curse the day she set her eyes on you, that is if she hasn't started cursing you in her mind sef, it's only married people that are exposed and can give marital advice abi? See ode of the century.

Damilolacoker:
Hello everyone I'm 24 years old and I have been married for three years. last year we had our first baby . Prior to our wedding, I and my husband decided I'll be allowed to work once our baby is old enough to attend day Care. Now our daughter is almost 2 years and he has refused to let me work. We've had countless arguments about this and it always ends with him saying women who work are not always submissive. I cannot be a full house wife , I am educated and cannot sit at home all say.

He recently told my parents I was being rude to him and they're all saying I should do whatever my husband wants. I love him but on this issue, I refuse to agree with him.

The other part here is he doesn't like me correcting our daughter. She's almost 2 and it irritates him whenever I try to potty train her or scold her. He insists I go to check up on Her at school during break hours. I understand that she's quite young but as her mother, I want the best for her.

Now he's changed towards me, he doesn't care or pamper me like he used to , sometimes he refuses to eat at home and when I try to speak with him, he's always very cold. Please help me, I don't know what to do anymore.

imam07:
If my wife see wht u wrote here. She will know u will never have good marital future with this. Awon omo irole aye. Awon omo egbe kini oko yoshe. For ur information, i hv bn married for over 10 yrs now. My wife is one of those that believe marriage is glorious because she has me as her caring husband. With this your shameful life, i dont think u can manage an ordinary boy and girl relationship for 24hrs.If a man make u his first girlfriend, the man will not prefer to marry in life. Because u are typical bad impression to other ladies outside there.

Forward77:
Take my advise.

Men are big babies and you know babies are possessive and stubborn.

You have to understand that he’s your husband and not just anyone else.

He said clearly that women who work are not submissive.
He’s right about that.