your mom is just lonely just set up a date for her with anyone you might know fits the specs of what she needs

she cares alot that's a fact and love is shared since you are a no go area your Assignment is to look for a widower she can take care of

that's the best solution when your mum is out of your hair then sit your wife down and tell her this simple statement if she hates it resent your mum automatically without giving chance for love and resolution means you would have nothing to do with hers and you child would grow up with knowing their grand parents from both sides

threaten her with that for peace to reign I hate when people harden their heart to forgive and please Mr Man your mum has no right anymore over you and your family don't ever take sides with her or anyone at alll be a pacifier

don't listen to this person or this person's side of the story you fit die of confusion above all follow your heart

my neighbor dey try

Yustash001:
why is the that most times mother inlaws and daughter in-laws are not always in good terms?..Olagbara o

The reason is because women naturally hate each other.

90% of ladies that call each other besties are hypocrites. That's why they leak each other's secret over a simple argument.

I once corrected this issue before

Truth : The wife is clearly at fault for not respecting the husband's mother.
Let her know that She too will one day be a mother in law in future
Also maybe vegenance is coming to play on his mom
Op should ask his dad why both parents divorced. The mom might also be bad to your father's mom.
Ask questions but sincerely you need to further appeal to your wife to respect your mom.
Bible says honour your father and mom
If op dad is still alive. Op should familiarize himself with his dad. The dad is in a better position to talk to ur wife

Mizwisdom:
"A man must leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife"

Your mother needs a husband, she wants one. Loneliness seems to be her main problem, try to matchmake her with someone responsible so that you can be free to enjoy your marriage in peace

You lack wisdom indeed.
You need serious therapy.
When you have a son and you become a motherinlaw, sense should fall in you.
Nonsense!

What's all these now. How can your wife disrespect your mum. Telling us she's a difficult and divorced does not mean anything. You are to love your mum unconditionally wether your wife likes it or not. Better warn that your wife o. She has seen you are neutral in the matter and that made her grow wings. I'm not telling her to love your mum, but she must respect her wether she likes it or not. Infact I also do not like my mother-in-law's character but you'll never notice it. You need to see what she did during our wedding. But I still respect her because she's my husband's mum. Someone who's old enough to be my mother. How can she not invite her to her dad's birthday and you followed her to the party. Allow mama to enjoy you pls. You're his first love. My son cannot love his wife more than me o. Do you know how I'm struggling to raise him?
My brother's wife hates my mum too but she can't try nonsense because my bro won't allow it. Last December they had a big fight and my bro invited her people and told them the issue between him and the wife is his mum. That they should help him and ask her how his mum has offended her. She will soon shift the fight to you when mama is no longer in the picture.

THIS IS THE MOST STUPID COMMENT I'VE READ HERE. WHERE DID IT SAY THAT A MAN MUST ABANDON HIS PARENTS AND CLING TO HIS WIFE OR IS THAT HOW YOUR PLASTIC AND WOODEN DUMB BRAIN WORKS?

Mizwisdom:
"A man must leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife"

Your mother needs a husband, she wants one. Loneliness seems to be her main problem, try to matchmake her with someone responsible so that you can be free to enjoy your marriage in peace

Don't loose your mother because of this woman you are not sure of. That is how they start. Once she's through with your mother, you are the next. Because she knows you are weak.

Mama has issues just like all of us, there's nothing wrong with her wanting to be part of your family but not by visiting every week. Every end of term/ holiday is OK.
Call your wife to order. If she's not accepting your mother, you're not accepting her. Let her choose.

You OP, be man enough.

elektra:
I suspect this is an oyinbo couple’s story. Only in the abroad do wedding lists work.

which made me even suspect this could be another social test thread. Even the write up is too organized and well thought out for a man in the middle of a storm. The op writes like an author.

viyon02:
op your number one offence is, the write up is too long: I guess you are too soft, your mother remains yours mother, if she really love you she will take your parents as her parents, one day she will be mother in-law too then she will understand better. If she can't tolerate your family then she shouldn't expect you to respect her family too. God what has happen to family union?

My brother God bless you, though I can't say who has the greater fault but I believe d dude is way too soft, how can his wife be insisting on never to have anything to do with her mother-in-law and he not been able to tell his mom his mind.(on where her boundaries end)

Toto tatse Don make many men lose their balls sha. A man can not take the reins and instill order in his home. Isn't it clear from all the epistle and events that the OP's wife want totalitarian control of the entire family and since the mother is outside her scope of control, it's an offense to her. May I never be as weak as this because of love. Never ever will I sacrifice my mother for any woman. What an unappreciative son.

And to think that the OP told his mother's history to make people feel bad about his mother shows his mother's value to him. If a mother doesn't show the care and love to a child, adulthood isn't guaranteed. This OP is a traitor to common sense. Very foolish man, your desire for peace has made you mad that you don't think being confrontational to issues against your believes is necessary.


You're weak, and a betrayer.


So you can't put your foot on the ground and tell your wife if she's not going to let go and turn a new page it won't be business as usual. What an unChristian woman with a very large ego and overtly large self-importance she has about her self.


You're a big fool. Chase away your family you hear when you fall into troubled waters, you think just your wife's support would be sufficient to help you abi.


I resent you for telling a long tale to make your mother look bad. Your wife is unrapturable and a very bad Christian. Go speak with a psychologist and marriage counselor cause you're a weakling who knows nothing about managing a marriage

[s]

E685:
My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[/s]
No other word to describe you than VERY WEAK AND FOOLISH.
Your wife on the other hand is very wicked and disrespectful.
I know she can't condone half of what she's doing to your mother on her own mother before all hell will be let loose.
You are not a grateful son at all.

atctech:
This is a very sensitive issue, you need to Man up, and also be prayerful.....if care is not taken you are threading the way to divorce.
I am a Pastor, I'm married too, I have a mother,
so I have the moral standard to advise you.
The role of your wife in your marriage is different from the the role of your mother. the Bible says the man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one. The problem is, you haven't leave your mother.
things like this happens when parents are still contributing to marriage, like money, foods, business or housing.
sorry to say this, if your mum is that right and knows the form a marriage should take "she would still be with your father she wouldn't have divorced your father or vice versa" that is a signal that something is wrong. let her use her ways on her marriage and not your marriage.
The wife owns the home not parents, until you get it wright with your wife the unexpected may happen. things has changed bro, before I got married I have a picture of what my marriage would be so I worked it out.
gone are those days when things like this happens. can I chock you? as much as I love my mother when she visits and trying to talk and train my children in a way that is arcake(old fashion) jokingly I would correct her.
my mum is a great woman, very loving and caring but I don't reveal secret about my wife to her because one day she may use it against her and vise versa, as much as my wife loves her and always want her to visit but my mum doesn't come always.
finally, stand your ground and also correct your wife. you are in charge, the more you put out your marriage to family debate the more trouble you get.

Pastor my foot. That doesn't grant you the right of higher ethics, knowledge or sense of right. Before you start being scriptural, canonical and spiritual when has it become a big deal to make the last days of a loving mother memorable. Are you aware wives take counsels from their own mothers. If her own mother wanted an inclusion in the wedding attendance list would the reaction from the wife be the same.


It's amazing how you can condemn his mother from scriptural standards and can't condemn. The wife for malice using the same basis.


Let me ask you of God came this moment who would go to hell between the two of them, the one with malice in the heart for years or the one even who can't find a single fault with. Please refrain from. Quoting your spiritual title next time. Please and please.

I'm also sure you ignored the man being the head and the Lord expects his wove to be submissive I. E take to his instruction of living peaceably without conflicts with his mum for baseless reasons


Come who ordain you people self. You need more time on self development. You're so unskilled to handle conflicts and give counsel. Please spend time and ask God to give you wisdom. He doesn't ciscriminates giving wisdom and the spirit of discernment to whomsoever asks

Op you're too weak for my liking... For crying out loud this is your mother you're talking about here... How can your wife not give her just a little attention and respect. You've to make it an order for her to follow and man up that if she goes against, she will have to face you... Also talk to your mother about giving your family a space most times so that you can have peace... But your wife cannot exclude your own mother from your nuclear family... If she succeeds in doing that, its bad for you in this marriage... Know that you've lost the grip of your marriage.. i e, you're no longer the man of the house...
Be wise and brave

Candiesramah:
It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.

Perfectly said. God bless you, Sir!

LordKO:
Sentiment and the wedding list exclusion incident aside, your wife has better character than your mother - yet, she (your wife) can do better. Among other things, I understand your mother's longing for oneness among y'all but she ought to understand that it isn't rational and obtainable, more so with her kind of character.

Yes, you've an egoistic woman as a wife, even though she may not necessarily have been meting out self-interest attitude towards you for an obvious reason, but she's innately. Meanwhile, you also have an egoist woman who's equally conceited and/or domineering as a mother - a typical hypocritical disingenuous person; the worst kind of subjugator. So, the reason why both of them can't effectively relate well isn't far-fetched - big distance between them is very necessary always, while your wife embraces diplomacy in relating with her from the distance because courtesy demands so.

On your part, you've to embrace conscientiousness in relating with both of them in order to regain and maintain your sanity, while anchoring unity - oneness among all which your mother longs for isn't achievable, unity is achievable. She ought to know better. Focus on anchoring and fostering unity among all, while solely pursuing oneness with your wife (if she worth it), because it's the normal thing to do in the situation. This approach may permanently deprive you admiration, but without depriving you respect, from either or both sides and it isn't a bad thing - only the fair-minded will accord you both your earned respect with admiration in this instance, overtly or covertly. In the absence admiration with respect, It's better to be feared than to be admired.

Common sense ain't too common afterall.

Enemyofpeace:
liar, you are in your late 50s

I am in my late 30s

Mizwisdom:
"A man must leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife"

Your mother needs a husband, she wants one. Loneliness seems to be her main problem, try to matchmake her with someone responsible so that you can be free to enjoy your marriage in peace

Common sense ain't too common afterall

Alot has been said on this issue. But I strongly feel you lost it from the initial stage of this whole controversy. We are africans, when a woman marries a man, she's automatically married to his family. On your own part try to always make your mom understand there are things you are suppose to handle as man and wife, and for those cases where she's to be involved, don't deny her those preveledge. That's what gives her fulfilment as a mother. Your wife should be made to understand this too.

Amotekun777:


.

Say hello to your lunatic parents and direct your further mention(s) to them too, because I don't associate with a nobody like you.

Bumpkin.

Guy, u are the one at fault not your mother or wife.
U need to be man not weaken bone.
Tell your wife enough is enough and stand your foot. She has to accommodate your mother and accept her as her own. She has to mend her ways n accept that she married you n she has to marry your dogs as well.
Concerning your mom, especially a mother that bn battered with failed relationship they normally derived joy n pleasure from their children n from the tone of your msg it seems that u are her only Son or child. Talk the true sense to her that u have feel up with undue n unnecessary interlocking issues with your wife. And let her know she is your wife n she needs to welcome her with open hands as daughter.
Don't do smesme things, stand on your feet and tell both enough is enough

LordKO:


Say hello to your lunatic parents and direct your further mention(s) to them too, because I don't associate with a nobody like you.

Bumpkin.

Alrighty, Mr. Somebody.

The only question I want to ask is, is your wife the breadwinner of the family? Because, she's gonna make you do or say things to your mother that she'll never ever be able to forgive you. Mothers are always that way, protective and you must never allow your woman strain the love between you 2.
I'm 100% certain that your wife would want the same attention from her son when he's also married.

That's your personal problem

muffyt05:
The only question I want to ask is, is your wife the breadwinner of the family? Because, she's gonna make you do or say things to your mother that she'll never ever be able to forgive you. Mothers are always that way, protective and you must never allow your woman strain the love between you 2.
I'm 100% certain that your wife would want the same attention from her son when he's also married.

Thanks for your input. I'm the primary breadwinner and have always been. Basically I earns double of what she make and I've always paid all the bills. She spend most of her wage on herself ( make -up, clothes, shoes, bags, etc) and only contributes to the food budget if I run out of money completely.

Candiesramah:
It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.

This is where I stopped reading comments. You know why?? Your comment is the full-stop. Every other thing I have read was rubbish. You got a functional brain.God bless you

[quote author=E685 post=85924289]

Thanks for your input. I'm the primary breadwinner and have always been. Basically I earns double of what she make and I've always paid all the bills. She spend most of her wage on herself ( make -up, clothes, shoes, bags, etc) and only contributes to the food budget if I run out of money completely.[/quote

This your wife will kill you if you do not step up your game.

You are really annoying me. Are u under influence of charm or What?

I can't try this crap your wife is doing with my husband. I learnt my lesson a long time ago.

As a woman, I am telling you that there is no love in your marriage.
All I see is a manipulative woman who thinks she has discovered an asset and she wants to take full control of him and with your mum around she can not fully control you so she wants your mum out of the way.

You are being manipulated young man...wake up. I am a woman and I am telling you. I know how this works
Wake up now or you will be a puppet in 10 years time.
You will become irrelevant once she is done...she will focus on her kids in future cos she has used you, removed you from all your support network and in your 50s you will have a fragmented family...no authority in the home, lonely and end up dying from heartbreak.
Wake up young man, wake up.

If your mum wants to come to see her grand child weekends and this is.making your wife uncomfortable. why don't you and your wife drop off the child with your mum on Fridays evening and pick him up Saturday evening. This will give you both time to spend with each other.

Don't let a woman control you.
We women are powerful and deep beings...we are not as weak as men think.

Wake up.

You need to work on yourself.
You are not matured yet to marry. You are still a mummy's boy.

I stopped reading at the point you said you disclosed to your mother where you were both going on Saturday. She was to come on Sunday anyways. You shouldn't have. You are such a chicken.

Your wife will get tired of the marriage very soon, unless your mum passes away. Marriage requires wisdom and decisiveness. You lack both.

Your mother is apparently the trouble here, and you alone is the solution. If you don't, your marriage will crash. I'm sure this problem is already causing disaffection between all family members who don't really know the true story.

It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.

the lady took the situation too far...

@OP,the title should be my wife hates my mother ...not what you put up there....I am currently pissed !it is like u lack the intelligence to decipher how emotionally down ur mum is right now...Not wanted by her son's wife and you are here spewing rubbish...

Solution,Tell your wife to come to her senses,if she fails to...Avoid her and make her see reasons for her actions,she can't pretend to love n and disregard your mum....who does that....she treats your mum like trash and u do not act like a man!

pakmoni:
my neighbor dey try

lol,ur neighbor dey experience this too?