₦airaland Forum

[quote author=Ningen post=89149507]No one should be miserable.
All I can say is you deserve to be happy.

From your post —

1. Your wife doesn't care about you like you care about her. She's all about herself and her alone.

2. Repeated attempts to fix things failed all at the cost of your happiness.

Time to divorce.

But before you give up though, look in the mirror and think about what YOU have done to fix the relationship. Did you give it an honest try??





Are you so lazy to read.

You deserve to be happy....
Think hard about it and let go if you have to. Take your kids with you if that happens.
If not, you know what is best for you, but this is definitely not it.


Alternatively, I would have recommended a little vacation but not in the present situation the world is currently in.

I won't advise you to divorce her, but you should have taken your time to study her before saying I do, it's wrong for you to marry someone and keep hoping she will change, that's the mistake you have made, just keep praying for her.

Sunmolar:
pls expatiate on life beginning at 40.

Due to the nature of our society before a young man will get himself together and maybe successful he's already in his 40s or few years to 40.....So tell me after all those years of hardships now that you've finally gotten to the edge of a success peace of mind is what you need as a man if you want to cross to the next decade not to worry over a fustrated woman.

Use iron hand. If that doesnt work, you too should start to act careless about her. Act like u didnt see her.

Fake calls with ladies. Bring a bargained lady to your house but don't let anything happen between you guys. Make it look so real.


Note* You do all these because obviously you still love her and want your marriage to work else you wont even need anyone's advice before you divorce her citing all those errors from her.

If none works, leave the damn marriage to find your happiness.

Note that no marriage is perfect. Some na money go disappear immediately after marriage and they would be struggling together for a long time.


Some Na children den go dey find for 6 years. Etc

But you got the two on a platter of gold but joy eludes.

Try and do those things I said up there and listen to your inner man!

Eulalia:
How does my comment connote "feminism"? please don't ever describe me with such. I'm not!

my apology ..

Aswear bro

ikh777:
IF THIS WHOLE STORY IS TRUE, Then sir, you have tried. you need a clean break.

BAD CHARACTER is like TOOTHACHE... you may have to remove the tooth.

See, the pastor and family deceived you. This is why I hate how marriage is done in Africa, THEY LIE TO SINGLES CLAIMING AFTER MARRIAGE TILL WILL GET BETTER only to marry then they start preaching to you to MANAGE.

In NIGERIA, MARRIAGE = MANAGING.

So, I can not say it is a spiritual matter, but with all you have said I feel you should prayerfully divorce her. And move on with your life lest you die early of HBP.

bukatyne:
You realize that the error is all yours for not choosing well.

For that, you are half way there.

You mentioned that you married in the Church: brother you know that except adultery and I will say abuse, you can't divorce your wife.

You have tried counseling, reporting her to family etc. etc. and it has not worked.

Now, I want you to try changing your reaction to her attitude. You have been married long enough to 'predict' her actions/inactions.

She forgot your birthday, fine. Celebrate yourself. Go out with the kids, go out with your friends etc.

She tries to keep malice, apologize and move on.

I know it is hard, it is abnormal even however you need to build a shield in your heart so that her attitude doesn't get to you anymore.

Don't beg or cajole her to 'change' or 'be better' or whatever: you are telling her that she has power over you.

Thank God finances are not a thing: treat your self, go on vacations, do the certifications or courses you wanted to. Channel your emotions into the things you have always wanted to do, pick up new hobbies, go to gym and workout youf frustrations etc.

And prayers work: if not for her to change, for you to be whole mentally and emotionally.

It is well.

Suicide for sane human beings is all I see in ur advice...you too pass that wife pastor jor

noakchukibadan:
Hello,

Please no ethnic banters. One of us is from Ekiti, and the other is from Benue. I am married for 8 years with 2 kids. It has been one problem to another.

I must be very frank, before marriage, my wife had many very questionable characters, but unfortunately we did the marriage counseling in a church were the pastor happened to be her family member. Many of the issues would have been resolved, but when I raised those issues about her character the pastor promised me that everything will be fine after the marriage.
Although this is not an excuse, but looking back now I would have been more patient and taken my decision myself instead of rushing into the marriage. For this I HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE

There is hardly nothing we do not quarrel about, I have always been the one to initiate settlement. The only way I ensure that there is peace in the house is for me not to complain about anything. Even at that, there is always trouble. If the children do anything wrong, she always says those characters the children are exhibiting are not from her and that she is not surprised that they inherited such characters from me.

She can go for months without talking to me, even if I tried to, I have done all I could do, I have begged, cried prayed. I just feel tired and exhausted from trying to make the marriage work or have peace in the home, the sad part is that she often reminds me every time there is misunderstanding that I should remember that she can stay on her own without talking to any body. Just to add, she is very prayerful.

OTHER INFORMATION.
1. I can say conveniently that there is no money problem at home. Finance is okay.
2. I went to see her father 2 years ago, the man said unfortunately he can not do anything. This is true because she was raised away from her Father, she has no contact with any of her fathers family and her father has a zero say in her life.
3. she has 5 elders ones, non of them is in communication with her because of many unresolved issues. Of her 3 younger ones she only maintains a relationship with the last boy who is just 14 years. .
4. Her mum can not talk to her because she simply dares not. However, behind, her mother use to beg me and she kept saying she understands her daughter's character and that she is doing her best by praying and doing deliverance for her.
5. She is not in contact with her maternal uncles and aunt because she said they supported her elder ones when she had problem with them.

So I am stuck with no one to help call the both of us and resolve the issue.

Every year for 5 straight years, she always forgets my birthday, last year, she forgot also, three days later, she bought me a present and I refused to collect the present and I asked her why does she keep forgetting my birthday, year after year for 5 years. She just said sorry, but I left the present in the room, she never bothered to bring the present to me. Another birthday was gone yesterday 2nd May, and as I write, no happy birthday yet.

I literally cook for myself, and all domestic things I do for myself.

I will end this by saying that in fairness to her, her character was not too different before the marriage and courtship, sincerely only once, that was like one year before the marriage I broke up with her, she came to apologize and promised that she will change. Her mother also came to apologize to me also.

This woman has refused to change or allow peace to hold sway, she is right every time, while everybody around is wrong. Sincerely, I do not know what to do anymore.

I am tired and exhausted. I do not know what to do anymore. I am 42, I was diagnosed of high blood pressure 2 years ago.

See my brother, u re with a Narcissistic bitch. This is a case of where d man is d victim. U will bitterly pay dearly should u continue to remain in such marriage, get ur kids & get away from such a an emotionally abusive marriage. Leave d play ground, she ain't never gonna change for no one. Narcissists got no love for not d children of their womb just incase some one here will say y take d kids from her. Here is my ig handle, u will read more there @afriproud3

doctuw:
you are right. I stand to be corrected. I admit I erred. I will take note

I admire your kind of person. Come make I buy you beer and find you one babe for tonight as take away

Our stories sounds like. I just asked my office for transfer and processed it. I just disappeared one day and kept in touch through phone calls for 1 year. Did you hear me well? 1 year, meanwhile I sent money for feeding my children and her. I was constantly talking to my landlord. And for where I relocated to in Owerri, I lash those small girls tired. Women don’t know they have more to lose if the man walks away. She respects me now because she knows I’m crazier than her. Save yourself man

bukatyne:
You realize that the error is all yours for not choosing well.

For that, you are half way there.

You mentioned that you married in the Church: brother you know that except adultery and I will say abuse, you can't divorce your wife.

You have tried counseling, reporting her to family etc. etc. and it has not worked.

Now, I want you to try changing your reaction to her attitude. You have been married long enough to 'predict' her actions/inactions.

She forgot your birthday, fine. Celebrate yourself. Go out with the kids, go out with your friends etc.

She tries to keep malice, apologize and move on.

I know it is hard, it is abnormal even however you need to build a shield in your heart so that her attitude doesn't get to you anymore.

Don't beg or cajole her to 'change' or 'be better' or whatever: you are telling her that she has power over you.

Thank God finances are not a thing: treat your self, go on vacations, do the certifications or courses you wanted to. Channel your emotions into the things you have always wanted to do, pick up new hobbies, go to gym and workout youf frustrations etc.

And prayers work: if not for her to change, for you to be whole mentally and emotionally.

It is well.

So what is the advice you give to.your fellow women reading this concerning this subject matter. None. Nothing. Nil. As usual amongst women, in relationships the female folks can do no wrong.

If the tables were turned and the wife was the subject of such domestic abuse will you be this 'diplomatic'.

caniagu44:
i was dating similar woman few months back. when we have issues she insult the hell out of me and my family. she dont often and dnt help me in any way in the house even when she comes around. i decided to end the 2 years relationship before it leads to marriage. on your case, set her down talk to her and invite the people she respect more afterward take her out and get her nice things. you guys must identify a vision and wrk towards it

Bros you don't reason with people like that. You shock them so that they start guessing your actions. It is only the fear of what you are capable of doing that people like that straight.

My first gf was like that. Three years of torture I dumped her without a word. She wey no dey cry she cried missed school for one full year out of heart break and became humble. Called everyone I stood my ground offer me sex without string (she knew I love sex) I said nope.

Till today when she talks to me she humble die because she thought she knew me but with that move she realised she knew nothing about what I am really capable of doing.


The op wife has seen him finish.

frozen70:
Get a friend and relax your self with your friend if you find happiness in her and let her know everything

If it happens that you want to marry her, team up with your family

Wrong advice if you ask me.

Instead of advising him to get another female friend to confide in, it is better to tell him to divorce first. Because adding another woman to the picture at this stage will just increase the trouble for him.

noakchukibadan:
Hello,

Please no ethnic banters. One of us is from Ekiti, and the other is from Benue. I am married for 8 years with 2 kids. It has been one problem to another.

I must be very frank, before marriage, my wife had many very questionable characters, but unfortunately we did the marriage counseling in a church were the pastor happened to be her family member. Many of the issues would have been resolved, but when I raised those issues about her character the pastor promised me that everything will be fine after the marriage.
Although this is not an excuse, but looking back now I would have been more patient and taken my decision myself instead of rushing into the marriage. For this I HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE

There is hardly nothing we do not quarrel about, I have always been the one to initiate settlement. The only way I ensure that there is peace in the house is for me not to complain about anything. Even at that, there is always trouble. If the children do anything wrong, she always says those characters the children are exhibiting are not from her and that she is not surprised that they inherited such characters from me.

She can go for months without talking to me, even if I tried to, I have done all I could do, I have begged, cried prayed. I just feel tired and exhausted from trying to make the marriage work or have peace in the home, the sad part is that she often reminds me every time there is misunderstanding that I should remember that she can stay on her own without talking to any body. Just to add, she is very prayerful.

OTHER INFORMATION.
1. I can say conveniently that there is no money problem at home. Finance is okay.
2. I went to see her father 2 years ago, the man said unfortunately he can not do anything. This is true because she was raised away from her Father, she has no contact with any of her fathers family and her father has a zero say in her life.
3. she has 5 elders ones, non of them is in communication with her because of many unresolved issues. Of her 3 younger ones she only maintains a relationship with the last boy who is just 14 years. .
4. Her mum can not talk to her because she simply dares not. However, behind, her mother use to beg me and she kept saying she understands her daughter's character and that she is doing her best by praying and doing deliverance for her.
5. She is not in contact with her maternal uncles and aunt because she said they supported her elder ones when she had problem with them.

So I am stuck with no one to help call the both of us and resolve the issue.

Every year for 5 straight years, she always forgets my birthday, last year, she forgot also, three days later, she bought me a present and I refused to collect the present and I asked her why does she keep forgetting my birthday, year after year for 5 years. She just said sorry, but I left the present in the room, she never bothered to bring the present to me. Another birthday was gone yesterday 2nd May, and as I write, no happy birthday yet.

I literally cook for myself, and all domestic things I do for myself.

I will end this by saying that in fairness to her, her character was not too different before the marriage and courtship, sincerely only once, that was like one year before the marriage I broke up with her, she came to apologize and promised that she will change. Her mother also came to apologize to me also.

This woman has refused to change or allow peace to hold sway, she is right every time, while everybody around is wrong. Sincerely, I do not know what to do anymore.

I am tired and exhausted. I do not know what to do anymore. I am 42, I was diagnosed of high blood pressure 2 years ago.

You don't need to divorce your wife, you need to consider your children, also leaving your wife that you love. I will advice that you continue to pray for her,proverb 21:1 says the heart of kings is in his hands,like a river of water he changes it. Make yourself happy by occupying your mind with programs both career wise and spiritual wise,also don't expect much from her but keep giving her the best knowing fully well that she is part of you.One day,she will change.

bukatyne:
You realize that the error is all yours for not choosing well.

For that, you are half way there.

You mentioned that you married in the Church: brother you know that except adultery and I will say abuse, you can't divorce your wife.

You have tried counseling, reporting her to family etc. etc. and it has not worked.

Now, I want you to try changing your reaction to her attitude. You have been married long enough to 'predict' her actions/inactions.

She forgot your birthday, fine. Celebrate yourself. Go out with the kids, go out with your friends etc.

She tries to keep malice, apologize and move on.

I know it is hard, it is abnormal even however you need to build a shield in your heart so that her attitude doesn't get to you anymore.

Don't beg or cajole her to 'change' or 'be better' or whatever: you are telling her that she has power over you.

Thank God finances are not a thing: treat your self, go on vacations, do the certifications or courses you wanted to. Channel your emotions into the things you have always wanted to do, pick up new hobbies, go to gym and workout youf frustrations etc.

And prayers work: if not for her to change, for you to be whole mentally and emotionally.

It is well.

So what is the advice you give to.your fellow women reading this concerning this subject matter. None. Nothing. Nil. As usual amongst women, in relationships the female folks can do no wrong.

If the tables were turned and the wife was the subject of such domestic abuse will you be this 'diplomatic'.

It is well indeed.

Eulalia:
How does my comment connote "feminism"? please don't ever describe me with such. I'm not!

you are and it's written all over you. E dey even smell on you

Your case is "you enter, you don enter" because you saw the red flag staring to your face before leaping. No believer should encourage divorce in your marriage because no "only" evidence for it.


Don't know what to say to you after having tried all the key factors of bringing peace and settlement into your home. My candid advice is to have a marathon joint prayers and fasting with her at day and night. Prayers restores sense of love, sanity, peace, understanding, and takes the scales off the eyes. The joint prayers will reconnect your souls back to one. It works oh, just humble yourself and give it a try.

You started it, so please end it.

dplordx:
Our stories sounds like. I just asked my office for transfer and processed it. I just disappeared one day and kept in touch through phone calls for 1 year. Did you hear me well? 1 year, meanwhile I sent money for feeding my children and her. I was constantly talking to my landlord. And for where I relocated to in Owerri, I lash those small girls tired. Women don’t know they have more to lose if the man walks away. She respects me now because she knows I’m crazier than her. Save yourself man

The same thing I told the op. The wife has seen him finish.

Forget talk to her parents, all she needs is for the op to shock her.

She won't know what hit her. She go humble die.

williams85:
I was enjoying your epistle until i get to this area, super trash. He deserve better.

Smiles... I'm a human after all. The salient point from the quote is that he should brace up like his case is still better of compared to others. It's a psychological trick on the brain to accept the status quo for the sole benefit of gaining internal peace. Remember he's got HBP to manage.

Would you expect I tell him to seek divorce after building a family for 8 years? That can be traumatic for him to handle considering his emotional state.

Las Las me self I be human being ooo... I'm so perfectly imperfect. Peace

dotungoke:
You don't need to divorce your wife, you need to consider your children, also leaving your wife that you love. I will advice that you continue to pray for her,proverb 21:1 says the heart of kings is in his hands,like a river of water he changes it. Make yourself happy by occupying your mind with programs both career wise and spiritual wise,also don't expect much from her but keep giving her the best knowing fully well that she is part of you.One day,she will change.

I ate people using childrens as excuse not to quit a relationship that is not working. Please stop that nonsense

Aladegba:
Everybody online are now relationship expert...even those that are singles?

if your issues cannot be sloved through comments here on nairaland when it hits front-page, nobody in the world not just Nigeria that can solve that issue.

Just know that today....

I totally understand your pain Sir and it will take only a married man or woman to fully understand how you feel. I have few things to say to u and I hope it helps (1 ) you are not perfect and neither is she. (2) Don’t divorce her except you caught her cheating on u. (3). You have been patient for eight good years and that did not kill u although I understand u have bp issues so please Sir continue to be patient; remember the oath u took, for better or for worse. (4). Continue to pray and fast, I promise you that whatever has a beginning also has an ending. Every I mean every marriage has its own crisis believe me

What you are facing is normal in my opinion. All the people saying trash rate not married and do not know shit. Besides we have not heard her side. Make your marriage work and do not come to nairaland to take marriage advice from kids and idiots.

noakchukibadan:
. Well, thanks for the advice, maybe I forgot to say that she places huge importance on birthdays, for her I must throw a party, every year for 7 years, and she can not even remember mine. Just to say happy birthday ?

noakchukibadan:
Hello,

.
2.[b] I went to see her father 2 years ago, the man said unfortunately he can not do anything. This is true because she was raised away from her Father, she has no contact with any of her fathers family and her father has a zero say in her life.
3. she has 5 elders ones, non of them is in communication with her because of many unresolved issues. Of her 3 younger ones she only maintains a relationship with the last boy who is just 14 years. .
4. Her mum can not talk to her because she simply dares not. However, behind, her mother use to beg me and she kept saying she understands her daughter's character and that she is doing her best by praying and doing deliverance for her.
5. She is not in contact with her maternal uncles and aunt because she said they supported her elder ones when she had problem with them.

So I am stuck with no one to help call the both of us and resolve the issue.

Every year for 5 straight years, she always forgets my birthday, last year, she forgot also, three days later, she bought me a present and I refused to collect the present and I asked her why does she keep forgetting my birthday, year after year for 5 years. She just said sorry, but I left the present in the room, she never bothered to bring the present to me. Another birthday was gone yesterday 2nd May, and as I write, no happy birthday yet.

I literally cook for myself, and all domestic things I do for myself.[/b]

So Mr OP, you mean all the time you were in courtship, you did not know or get to find out any of the above things you stated above which are clear red flags that would have warned you off the girl then ? Or you discovered but decided to go ahead with the marriage anyway ?
Whatever your answer, I guess you failed woefully in your due diligence or in this case risk assessment

noakchukibadan:
Hello,

Please no ethnic banters. One of us is from Ekiti, and the other is from Benue. I am married for 8 years with 2 kids. It has been one problem to another.

I must be very frank, before marriage, my wife had many very questionable characters, but unfortunately we did the marriage counseling in a church were the pastor happened to be her family member. Many of the issues would have been resolved, but when I raised those issues about her character the pastor promised me that everything will be fine after the marriage.
Although this is not an excuse, but looking back now I would have been more patient and taken my decision myself instead of rushing into the marriage. For this I HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE

There is hardly nothing we do not quarrel about, I have always been the one to initiate settlement. The only way I ensure that there is peace in the house is for me not to complain about anything. Even at that, there is always trouble. If the children do anything wrong, she always says those characters the children are exhibiting are not from her and that she is not surprised that they inherited such characters from me.

She can go for months without talking to me, even if I tried to, I have done all I could do, I have begged, cried prayed. I just feel tired and exhausted from trying to make the marriage work or have peace in the home, the sad part is that she often reminds me every time there is misunderstanding that I should remember that she can stay on her own without talking to any body. Just to add, she is very prayerful.

OTHER INFORMATION.
1. I can say conveniently that there is no money problem at home. Finance is okay.
2. I went to see her father 2 years ago, the man said unfortunately he can not do anything. This is true because she was raised away from her Father, she has no contact with any of her fathers family and her father has a zero say in her life.
3. she has 5 elders ones, non of them is in communication with her because of many unresolved issues. Of her 3 younger ones she only maintains a relationship with the last boy who is just 14 years. .
4. Her mum can not talk to her because she simply dares not. However, behind, her mother use to beg me and she kept saying she understands her daughter's character and that she is doing her best by praying and doing deliverance for her.
5. She is not in contact with her maternal uncles and aunt because she said they supported her elder ones when she had problem with them.

So I am stuck with no one to help call the both of us and resolve the issue.

Every year for 5 straight years, she always forgets my birthday, last year, she forgot also, three days later, she bought me a present and I refused to collect the present and I asked her why does she keep forgetting my birthday, year after year for 5 years. She just said sorry, but I left the present in the room, she never bothered to bring the present to me. Another birthday was gone yesterday 2nd May, and as I write, no happy birthday yet.

I literally cook for myself, and all domestic things I do for myself.

I will end this by saying that in fairness to her, her character was not too different before the marriage and courtship, sincerely only once, that was like one year before the marriage I broke up with her, she came to apologize and promised that she will change. Her mother also came to apologize to me also.

This woman has refused to change or allow peace to hold sway, she is right every time, while everybody around is wrong. Sincerely, I do not know what to do anymore.

I am tired and exhausted. I do not know what to do anymore. I am 42, I was diagnosed of high blood pressure 2 years ago.

Hello dear, first I appreciate your looking for help and the efforts you have made. You are a real man. A real man takes responsibility for his actions and looks for solution. 1. The first step to solving this problem is getting God engaged in the solution. 2. Forgive yourself for your own mistakes before and after the marriage was contracted. 3. Forgive your wife for all her mistakes and failures too. I think your wife has a personality complex problem. This feeling of insecurity makes her to be on attack mode always. You are also petty in that you consider forgetting birthdays an issue. Such pettiness will also create problems because it can cause nagging and making you difficult to please. You need to major on her strengths and not her weaknesses. Praise her strengths and temporarily ignore her weaknesses. It will help her feel good about herself and she will be ready to accept your corrections since you have increased your love and affection for her. By God's grace if you are sincere and committed, God will surely give you the home of your dreams. You can chat me up on WhatsApp 08098668493. Shalom

The summary of the story :
1.You need attention and respect and she is not giving any .
2. She needs apace because she is not psychologically balance thereby underreacting and overreacting to all issues .

My Advise:

Be patient with her and behave to her as if you are on auto pilot to show her love and not reactional love .

Once a while sit her down to point out the reality of things to her and the likely implications. Don't pick fight with her reactions

Show her more love and respect .

She will change because the issues you raised are attitudinal and not extra marital affairs or domestic abuse .

God will see you through in the journey .

For the sake of your sanity, leave that entrapment without further ado.

Bro your story is not different from mine, the only difference is that you married her. pls don't make a mistake if you don't want to die early. life always continue with her or without her but if you are gone, such a person won't even care that you are no longer around and life still goes on for her.

1. I can say conveniently that there is no money problem at home. Finance is okay.

From this you have said, who fiance the home? if she's majorly the one then that's the problem and if not my advise for you is that your marriage is your choice, you decide to marry her even with her flaws, no one is perfect and I'm sure she also will have something to say about you so you cant just because of that divorce! what you can only do is stay away from her, stay away from home for a period of time and by doing that she might get sense but make sure you provide adequately for your family while away!

You will thank me later........

You got the woman you married.

She is the same person before marriage and after marriage.
Cope with her or leave the union.