₦airaland Forum

GlorifiedTunde:
This is unfortunately true.

I have often told those who are planning to get married that *"if your would-be husband or wife sees nothing wrong in divorce or separation, run!"*

Such a person doesn't feel the need to "work hard" or "sacrifice" to have a good marriage.

Chinny024:
Wasn't she with him all the while?.......Both of them endured the trying times together if you had read well.Not until temptations set in...

In my opinon,if given a second time,I believe she would change. Anyways,He has the right to make decision on who to spend the rest of his life with....She was at fault,and doesnt deserve mercy in human eyes..However,whosoever that hasn't sin in one way or the other should stone her to death...
Don't quote me concerning this issue anymore...

CHoccolaTE:
Who will take care of you in your old age

wirinet:
I am surprised by women with these mindset, it betrays faulty background, probably due to a disfunctional polygamous family.

How can someone say men who succeed are the efficient few. Are you insinuating that the millions of men working or doing various businesses are failures or inefficient majority? Have you seen a jobless, unsuccessful and inefficient man go through all the expenses and rituals of marriage? Obviously most men marry when they are fairly financially stable and hope for a brighter future. But shit happens. A man falls and rises several times during his life time. It's a tragedy to marry a woman who would step on a man when his down instead of helping him in rising up.

Votukpa:
Goddamn.

First off. In so much as I have not heard the other side, I have a strong witness in me that your narrative is sincere. This is the only thing about your post I will applaud.

Everyone here is trying to advise you on what you should have done or can do. They don't understand your problem. They can't because they didn't experience what you experienced nor do they see what you see. They also don't know very much about how this world and it's aspects were designed.

I won't sympathize with your plight, neither will I tell you what to do. I will however give you some 'mental keys' to unlock your understand as to what happened, as well as some principles to live by.

1. Women, by design CANNOT love. CANNOT = incapability given lack of adequate tools or equipment to perform a task or an action. What is Love? God is Love. Love is when one is weak and his or her partner is able to contain the former. Love is not reciprocal. If it were it wouldn't be love. by design, only a man is CAPABLE of love. That's you. The only way a woman can love a man (the way a man loves a woman) is if she is filled with God (love). This goes against the grain of the feminine. Principle: a woman who fears God is the most excellent of women. She is rare and your wife isn't her. Women are transactional by design. She will only submit (admit she's under) you, if you supply her needs. Selah.

Your father was supposed to teach you this.

2. Bearing ALL the responsibilities of a home is ENTIRELY on your shoulders. This is, also, according to design. If you're not doing it, your wife will never submit to you (admit she's under you) and she will act accordingly- disrespect you and cheat on you. That's her design. Principle: bear all the responsibilities of the home while she keeps the home. This is order. There will be harmony and she will be happy.

Your father was supposed to teach you this.

3. ALL Women are hypergamous by design. She can't submit to you if she's better than you in anyway. Seeing that money symbolizes power to a woman, if she has more of it than you, she WILL cheat on you, most likely with a man who is 'better' than you. This is a reflex action for her. Principle: Always be better than your woman. ALWAYS. You can either be improving faster than her or you can destroy her progress completely and keep her at home, while making her comfortable.

Your father was supposed to teach you this.

4. Very important: A woman has more glory than a man in this world. You probably never realized this but as far as progress in this world is concerned, a woman will have more power and privileges over a man if you put them at par from the onset. A woman will make more money than a man if they are mates. A woman is better looking than a man from the begining. She will grow faster than man. She will command more favor than a man. This is by design. A woman has all the power in this world and she will submit it to a man whom she judges is better than her in every way. Principle: You MUST be 'GLORIFIED' before you marry. You must be 'something' before you marry, not hopeful to be, after the marriage. This is design. When I say be glorified, I mean be indestructible. Be GODREADYMADE. At this level, NOTHING can touch you because GOD himself would have forged you with his own hands. Meditate on this. To be GODREADYMADE, you must first go through a DIP. This is a crucible of flames and suffering that will refine you into 'Gold' at the end. Selah.

Even if your wife fears God, you CANNOT relax. A prudent wife is a gift from God. When God gives you a valuable asset, you still never get to relax. You work and develop yourself till you drop dead. This is order according to design. You were designed to work and grow forever. You still must totally dominate your life and hers.

It might be too late for your marriage to work out. Actually, once a wife sleeps with another man,
the marriage is dead. I would advise you to forgive her if she totally repents but I don't see that happening. Divorce her and move on. Live according to design. Be GODREADYMADE. If YHWH decides to gift you an actual wife, so be it. Otherwise, live for a purpose and let it define your life. Marriage is a calling, not a choice.

tunmiluabi:
Maybe you are right, no doubt, I might have misread the situation. But do you think with 170K she would have been able to pay the rent of 950k/year and and still pay school fees for our child? I say no. We both had mutual contributions and projection. I fulfilled my part. I never failed.

I would like to say before I got married, I might not have been doing so well, but I funded the marriage with my 3years of savings. That same business might not have been doing well but it had its times. Sometimes I will bring home 10k, 20k/month, although it might take some time to bring so much but when its good 2 to 3months apart I can bring about 200k.. for 6month I may go with very little. still, I was hopeful it would be better.

During her earlier salary situation was not bad, probably because we were in a 1bed apartment and the pressure was less - Also, I was providing the much I could. As indicated in my earlier lines most of my income went into doing practically everything. She contributed immnesly as well.

It only got really worse when the position came. The new apartment even took a lot out of us. I agreed to the move because I felt saving for the rent might not be a difficult thing to do. Till I left the apartment we never owed.

Despite quarrels, I was still able help her with the transition to the new position. The transition was such that she had to be good at at staistics and business modeling for the new marketing Insight role. I trained her in SAS, advanced excel and Power BI before I left the house. Coupled with her natural brilliance she was able to secure it. What more could I have done. If I was lazy I would not have had time for that and would normally have told her to look else where. There were times when I would walk from iponri to fadeyi and back seeking clients going form shop to shop, office to office to secure client. That is not to say I did not use public transport. There were also time when I will call friends to help as well.

If you read my threads well, I had my share of good contributions and support. I might not have met up of to her expectation.

Some comment indicted I might have been weak. Maybe, but what I know is that, I am happy for the way handled the situation. It could have turned out terrible. I was hopeful things were going to change. That kept me going. You can't force a change on anyone. You can only do your part.

I believe these things happens, it has happened to many people, I will not be first and the last, why fight a lost battle. I fought for my marriage the best I could. I might not have been so religious about it, but I did the best I could. I have fought many battles, I won some, I lost some. In this particular one I lost woefully.

In one of the threads, someone indicated I might have cheated with another woman or even have left with another woman. I could have, I wish I did but I did not. I have the right mental strength to whistand the situation but maybe I lacks the right approach to deal with it. Its a pity our frustrations are different and problems are unique, just like the way we deal with them. I have no comment. I might not be a saint but I really do know what I want.

Please I would like to make this submission my last one. Permit me to rest my case. Thank you all.

Ybaby:
In a family setting the husband provides he protects - locks the doors at night, spiritual head, kids school fees, shelter, discipline etc

the wife nurtures basically she she does everything else - family health, ego stroking, storytime, PTA, Home cleaniness, Kids to school, Gifts for Teachers, Arranging holiday time, Nourishment etc

For the kids
She teaches affection and pampering - he teaches affection and courage
They both teach self esteem but it is more of his responsibility to let his kids know the child of who they are
They both do homework but it is her responsibility to teach and guide the child in the path of moral
They both teach business but it is more of Daddy's role
etc





Any job! some jobs are more feminine but she can do any job as long as she is able to perform the above duties for her family

I run a software company and code really well - we have a staff of about 30 programmers
I run an importation company and own 5 ecommerce websites that are doing quite well
Also a media company that is doing ok but could be better
Both companies are over 6 years and though my husband gave me capital - he does not ask me for money and he never will. Na man him be.



My husband is not required to do chores in the house at all. If he wants to - all well and good but he is a very busy man with plenty on his shoulder- because of him other men have a salary to feed their family.

I have helps that do chores and I coordinate. I cook dinner every night too and make sure we have a meal together Oga, myself and the children. We talk about our day and give support. Crack jokes - watch TV or play monopoly.
He also gives one weekend a month for family recreation and a vacation every year - all funded by him but organised by moi



Once a boss slapped by ass, I slapped him and my husband later locked him up. No one messes with the Queen.

I also never say no to seexx in 19 years. I respect my husband as in truly adore and respect him not audio type. He is a one of a kind man and he in turn adores me even more - I am the queen

Hope this answers your question

Votukpa:
Goddamn.

First off. In so much as I have not heard the other side, I have a strong witness in me that your narrative is sincere. This is the only thing about your post I will applaud.

Everyone here is trying to advise you on what you should have done or can do. They don't understand your problem. They can't because they didn't experience what you experienced nor do they see what you see. They also don't know very much about how this world and it's aspects were designed.

I won't sympathize with your plight, neither will I tell you what to do. I will however give you some 'mental keys' to unlock your understand as to what happened, as well as some principles to live by.

1. Women, by design CANNOT love. CANNOT = incapability given lack of adequate tools or equipment to perform a task or an action. What is Love? God is Love. Love is when one is weak and his or her partner is able to contain the former. Love is not reciprocal. If it were it wouldn't be love. by design, only a man is CAPABLE of love. That's you. The only way a woman can love a man (the way a man loves a woman) is if she is filled with God (love). This goes against the grain of the feminine. Principle: a woman who fears God is the most excellent of women. She is rare and your wife isn't her. Women are transactional by design. She will only submit (admit she's under) you, if you supply her needs. Selah.

Your father was supposed to teach you this.

2. Bearing ALL the responsibilities of a home is ENTIRELY on your shoulders. This is, also, according to design. If you're not doing it, your wife will never submit to you (admit she's under you) and she will act accordingly- disrespect you and cheat on you. That's her design. Principle: bear all the responsibilities of the home while she keeps the home. This is order. There will be harmony and she will be happy.

Your father was supposed to teach you this.

3. ALL Women are hypergamous by design. She can't submit to you if she's better than you in anyway. Seeing that money symbolizes power to a woman, if she has more of it than you, she WILL cheat on you, most likely with a man who is 'better' than you. This is a reflex action for her. Principle: Always be better than your woman. ALWAYS. You can either be improving faster than her or you can destroy her progress completely and keep her at home, while making her comfortable.

Your father was supposed to teach you this.

4. Very important: A woman has more glory than a man in this world. You probably never realized this but as far as progress in this world is concerned, a woman will have more power and privileges over a man if you put them at par from the onset. A woman will make more money than a man if they are mates. A woman is better looking than a man from the begining. She will grow faster than man. She will command more favor than a man. This is by design. A woman has all the power in this world and she will submit it to a man whom she judges is better than her in every way. Principle: You MUST be 'GLORIFIED' before you marry. You must be 'something' before you marry, not hopeful to be, after the marriage. This is design. When I say be glorified, I mean be indestructible. Be GODREADYMADE. At this level, NOTHING can touch you because GOD himself would have forged you with his own hands. Meditate on this. To be GODREADYMADE, you must first go through a DIP. This is a crucible of flames and suffering that will refine you into 'Gold' at the end. Selah.

Even if your wife fears God, you CANNOT relax. A prudent wife is a gift from God. When God gives you a valuable asset, you still never get to relax. You work and develop yourself till you drop dead. This is order according to design. You were designed to work and grow forever. You still must totally dominate your life and hers.

It might be too late for your marriage to work out. Actually, once a wife sleeps with another man,
the marriage is dead. I would advise you to forgive her if she totally repents but I don't see that happening. Divorce her and move on. Live according to design. Be GODREADYMADE. If YHWH decides to gift you an actual wife, so be it. Otherwise, live for a purpose and let it define your life. Marriage is a calling, not a choice.

Mariangeles:
Just say a simple prayer of peace EVERYDAY! That is all you need.

Goodman247:
The op was talking about a kid, later he was talking about kids, most of the stories in nairaland are fake

Obingene:
Hian!!

Cold shivers ran down my spines as I read this.

I'm so not enthusiastic about marriage anymore.

brilapluz:
It was a typo which was too obvious in most of his write-ups!
There was a part where he wrote 'gave' instead of 'grave'!
He already corrected himself that he had a kid not kids!
If it was fictional,he would not contribute to the discussion!

Depressed101:
I read about an obingene yesterday.. I like the name

Boss13:
Nope - the context was not a mistake.

Obingene:
Oh! That's good. Please direct me to the story.

Ybaby:
In a family setting the husband provides he protects - locks the doors at night, spiritual head, kids school fees, shelter, discipline etc

the wife nurtures basically she she does everything else - family health, ego stroking, storytime, PTA, Home cleaniness, Kids to school, Gifts for Teachers, Arranging holiday time, Nourishment etc

For the kids
She teaches affection and pampering - he teaches affection and courage
They both teach self esteem but it is more of his responsibility to let his kids know the child of who they are
They both do homework but it is her responsibility to teach and guide the child in the path of moral
They both teach business but it is more of Daddy's role
etc





Any job! some jobs are more feminine but she can do any job as long as she is able to perform the above duties for her family

I run a software company and code really well - we have a staff of about 30 programmers
I run an importation company and own 5 ecommerce websites that are doing quite well
Also a media company that is doing ok but could be better
Both companies are over 6 years and though my husband gave me capital - he does not ask me for money and he never will. Na man him be.



My husband is not required to do chores in the house at all. If he wants to - all well and good but he is a very busy man with plenty on his shoulder- because of him other men have a salary to feed their family.

I have helps that do chores and I coordinate. I cook dinner every night too and make sure we have a meal together Oga, myself and the children. We talk about our day and give support. Crack jokes - watch TV or play monopoly.
He also gives one weekend a month for family recreation and a vacation every year - all funded by him but organised by moi



Once a boss slapped by ass, I slapped him and my husband later locked him up. No one messes with the Queen.

I also never say no to seexx in 19 years. I respect my husband as in truly adore and respect him not audio type. He is a one of a kind man and he in turn adores me even more - I am the queen

Hope this answers your question

PrimadonnaO:
I agree. Somehow, I feel the option of a divorce and possible remarriage makes people careless with their choice of a spouse. Because that’s where the problem starts from.

If people were more conscious about the fact that they are in for a FOREVER ride, they’ll choose their partners VERY CAREFULLY... and after that, put in utmost effort to see that the marriage works.

GlorifiedTunde:
This is unfortunately true.

I have often told those who are planning to get married that "if your would-be husband or wife sees nothing wrong in divorce or separation, run!"

Such a person doesn't feel the need to "work hard" or "sacrifice" to have a good marriage.

GlorifiedTunde:
This is unfortunately true.

I have often told those who are planning to get married that "if your would-be husband or wife sees nothing wrong in divorce or separation, run!"

Such a person doesn't feel the need to "work hard" or "sacrifice" to have a good marriage.

bukatyne:


On point!

Vyolet:
How's Madam and our baby, trust baby is all grown now and no longer a baby.

omonnakoda:
All this sounds like textbook stuff very far from reality

The VAST MAJORITY of people,men and women just manage to get by living an ordinary unremarkable life.
A life based on DAILY INCOME.

That idea of BECOMING SOMEBODY sounds good on paper maybe 1 in 10000 Nigerians achieve that economic status of BECOMING SOMEBODY

So okada riders,bus conductors and such like should not marry?

Those are the real Nigerians not Dangote.
In southern Nigeria most of our mothers hustled to feed their families not waiting for one husband who is SOMEBODY


Reality is different from motivation speaking world

Votukpa:
This is hardly a motivational discourse.

If you will, inferences about universal design, law and order can be drawn from what I've said. Please understand that you live in a world that consists because of some kind of design. If men and women are able to align themselves with these edicts, they will have more fulfilling lives. The reason why you sound so sour about your moms in the south hustling and not waiting for their (underperforming) husbands is because the latter are unaware of these designs (as outlined), and therefore incapable of obeying their concomitant principles towards being veritable husbands to their wives.

Also,

Being 'somebody' isn't as outlandish and unattainable as you have made it out to be. Being 'somebody' your wife can look up to, admire and submit to isn't as much about being a man of means as much as it a mental disposition and lifestyle. It is premised on being spiritually grounded towards a fruitful and established life. Most spiritual people, live as though they aren't in the flesh. You, the conductors and okada riders are very well able to be 'somebody' if only you decide to change your minds and act out the change. Law, design and order never fail. This isn't really hard to understand nor is this just mere motivation-speak. If you think I'm b s ing, test these laws for yourself.

Ybaby:
I am seeing a pattern that it is men whose mothers feed/fed thier fathers that think like this.

Poster Is your mum single cos you may have to wife her.

1 Timothy 5:8 If anyone does not provide for his own, and
But if any man have not care of his own, and especially of those of his house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

fidelson:
There are 3 Sides to a story

1) The complainer
2) The accuse
3) The Truth
.....
The complainant
The accused
The truth

Can't condemn of encourage you yet but Just be prayerful. And pray for sustainability so that this your job should last more than 10 Years.
More Money & Lack of money are 2 tins that reveal our true Nature.

Reference:
I have read through quite a number of responses, some interesting, naturally others junk. There is one I want to bring to notice.

Someone quoted the Scriptures: 1 Timothy 5:8 to be exact with a slight misunderstanding in opinion.
God is not saying there that any man...or woman who CANNOT provide is an unbeliver or a faith denier. The New Living Translation is explanatory. It says, 'For those who WON'T care for their relatives, especially those in their own household...'

There is a difference between CANNOT and WILL NOT/WON'T. One describes a situation, the other describes an attitude. God is the ultimate provider so there is nothing any man has that has not been given to him from above, however He has placed a soul in every man that should desire love, the will to give. If absent it means the person has not the identity of God.

Throughout scripture there have been times of famine and abundance in the lives of nations, families, communities and men. Nowhere does God hold lack against man as sin. It is not asin to lack. That is not what the Word says.

So no spouse should hold the lack of resources on account against his partner and use it as a tool of intimidation or as an excuse for sin, be it a man fallen on hard financial times or perhaps a woman delayed in conception. It is when the man refuses and WON'T DO, WON'T DO anything about it that he denies the faith that can make whole.

So it is not a get out of jail card for the indolent. The Word makes it clear that with God no sotuation is impossible.

PS. It is possible to have the resources and yet be unwilling to take care of one's relations and household. That is the infidel status not the capacity status afterall even God does not give us everything we want, just what we need, wants coming at his pleasure.