Rtk5:
You're very very right... But she has tried a lot too in being the fool & making it work. Right now I don't know whats in her mind. Could she have gotten over the marriage

This is enough bro, it is your turn now to be the "fool" (sorry about the f word)

Rtk5:
Few days back I posted a topic on how my wife left home with our 2years old son after a little issue that even animals will laugh at us when they hear it because of how trivial the issue is. Now this is what is at stake

1. She hasn't called since she left a week ago & I haven't called either because I didn't chase her.

2. None of her family has called to know why she came back home though I don't Blame them, it depends on what she must have told them.

3. Perhaps she has moved on already, its no problem but let her come and pack her belongings. I sent her a text to come & pack her stuffs then whoever she is ready to come back she's free but I'll never follow up at her family house & she replied that she's not expecting me to follow her up cos she knows I'm not gonna come after her.

5. My decision is, if she doesn't come back by Sunday or at least come to pick her things, I'll move on & I don't care if she comes anytime & see me with a babe at home. I can't remain single hoping she comes back when perhaps she's already found a boyfriend.

6. Some of you would think its pride that is making me not to go to her family but no, I don't want to look stupid cos I've done that severally.

7. Maybe I'm here killing myself with thinking while she's at her family house laughing.


Waking up to see her stuffs in my house is really hurting me the more & making it difficult for me to move on.

I really need your advice guys, pls

What about your son?

Rtk5:
I really love her so much. both of us have made great sacrifices for each other.

I'm not married but with these...omo Oga boss she's a good wife....go and Bring her Home....this should be one of those things in marriages....if she didn't cheat on you , If she doesn't Steal your money , If she doesn't sleep around , if she doesn't smoke then Lok for a way to bring her home....

If I tell you wetin my uncle pass Tru ehn!!! As in my uncle who's still young married this girl and was doing well...he was based in Ghana and was taking care of the girls mum in Nigeria , this his wife was smoking weed , sleeping around and was stealing his money sometimes $3000 , sometimes $5000...my uncle go give am 250K naira to manage in a month omo within 2 weeks e don finish ...for her to take the kids to school na wahala....omo the story long ooo...my uncle took all year for 2yrs until he had enough .....he had to divorce her cos she go kill am!! So if she doesn't do all these things omo make it work oo with your wife ooo

I have read your responses, I have come to a conclusion what the problem was, I think the problem is that you cheated on her! or it's situation that bothers about cheating, She probably might have too, have not heard from her, I want you to remove your pride and run after the love of your life, promise her you won't do that again and mean it, don't go back to it

With all you've said, she's innocent here, A man should not be stubborn, what a man wants he gets, stop behaving like a simple and apologize!

Rtk5:
her main issue is that when I'm angry I like to change mood, & refuse talking to her for long. So she can't continue leaving with someone that will be keeping malice with her

Now we're getting somewhere. I don't like living with moody people who go silent and keep malice for days. Do you like living with people like that, yourself? How many people here on this forum seek such people to live with?

Sounds like your wife has left your temporarily toxic aura, to seek company with normal human beings, until you start behaving like a human again. Some people might call her overreacting, but hey, who wants to live with a walking, frowning statue for a week or more? As I said before, you can't work on other people, but you can work on yourself. Understand that your emotions are yours, and how you handle them is in your control. Learn how to control your behaviour, for the sake of those around you...not just for your wife's sake, but to model healthy habits of how to deal with unhappy emotions, for your child's sake as well. This will make your work life better as well, and should also make you a happier person. Is it really constructive to imagine all kinds of scenes where your wife is enjoying herself with a fictitious boyfriend? Who does that help? Do you truly enjoy the anger and resentment that you cultivate, when you're "in a mood"? Why not put the same energy into making your surroundings harmonious, and not the opposite? Pride goeth before destruction, and all that. You're your own worst enemy.

Rtk5

Sir please go and collect your wife and child. It's not every battle that must be won. Trust me your little baby will appreciate your efforts later.

Rtk5:
Yes, that's the reason she left. But that's not enough reason to leave her home, there are many women out there who the husband beats them but yet they endure the marriag, I've never for once raised my hand on her. Even if I want her back now maybe she has started moving on & forgotten about the marriage

You are just in love with your own mediocrity. You haven't raised your hand against her, so that makes you a great husband? Should she be willing to stay in spite of your EMOTIONAL ABUSE, which is what your fits of silence and malice are? She's had enough of that selfish behaviour. And that's no environment in which to raise a child, where neither of them can feel at home, when they're at home with you.

Has she forgotten the marriage? I'm sure she remembers that's she's married. But likely she's moving forward, prioritizing a healthy environment for her own and her child's well-being. If you are not moving forward with her, you will be left behind.

Both parties are not ready to fix their home

Both parties need to go for marriage counseling
the slightest opportunity to move on.

Both parties need to ask themselves if the marriage would work.

Both parties should understand that the kid would suffer the brunt now and in future (broken home)

With my submission, I believe the home can be fixed if one of the parties (the man especially) lay low to accept the fault of the wife and move on.

Young man (OP) ego kills a man, destroy a home and a generation if caution is not taking. The response of you wife shows you are egoistic. If you want a HOME, please, go to your inlaws, discuss the issue, make sure you listen before you respond and let your response be, no problem, we would get it fixed. Pick your wife and go home.

I know it is hard. Very very hard but trust me, lots of marriages have passed through this and even worse. You will still face worse scenarios like this but if you subtle your ego now, the coming scenarios would be the turn of your wife to reciprocate and apologise.

It is your home. FIX IT. If you don't, you will REGRET

Rtk5:
She did something serious that made me to stop talking to her, then she left saying she can't continue living with a person that keeps malice without focusing on what she did. She did something that even you will find it difficult to forgive.

Do you know that the day she left, she took all the money we be in the house without minding how I'll cope?

That's what she did AFTER you started keeping the malice that caused her to leave. What was it that caused you to keep malice in the first place, BEFORE she left? What is this serious issue, then, that caused you to keep malice, that you still haven't told us?

Rtk5:
Can you answer this question sincerely as a woman?

1. What do you think is going on I'm her mind right now? Like why she kept mute.

2. Do you think there is still a chance of us coming back or she's beginning to move on?
or perhaps she as moved on?

Lemme hear from you plsss

Turning this question back on yourself. How do you like the silent treatment she's giving you, now the shoe is on the other foot? You're in emotional turmoil. That's what it's like for her, when you give her the silent treatment. Lovely, ain't it?

Rtk5:
I must confess, all you've said really struck my heart, you're really so on point... I wish I can make the move first. I'm finding it very very very difficult. Something which i know is coming from the devil is telling me that it will portray my self as a weakling if I call her.

Your pride stems from insecurity, which in religious terms is coming from the devil, to mess you up. In non-religious terms, it's just plain messing you up. Try to understand where your insecurity is coming form. It is likely rooted in things that happened in your past...what sort of home you grew up in, what your childhood experiences were that made you feel "less than". You now fear that if you don't control of others' emotional environment (negatively), they will control your emotional environment. Take this opportunity to look deep within yourself for greater understanding of how those fears are controlling you, or else you will be doomed to keep making the same stupid mistakes, even if she does come back. In religious terms, fear is the eighth deadly sin, yet probably first among them.

Rtk5:
You've spoken excellently well, I really don't wanna call or go to the house again since I've done that severally, sincerely I'm sorry to say this but I'm ready to leave the child for them & pretend I never had a child. That's what they want, they wanna use the child as an edge against me, always expecting me to come. What is hindering her from coming to pack all her stuffs here if she wanna move on cos 98% of her things are in my house. I've packed & packaged every of her things & kept them in a corner.

This guy is giving you bad advice, playing to your insecurities and false pride, and you are drinking it up like a weakling taking the path of least resistance. The solution to your problems is not to pass blame to another person, which you've been trying to do since opening this thread. The solution lies by standing in front of your mirror, and having a really good look. Be a man, not an overgrown boy.

NiCurious:


This guy is giving you bad advice, playing to your insecurities and false pride, and you are drinking it up like a weakling taking the path of least resistance. The solution to your problems is not to pass blame to another person, which you've been trying to do since opening this thread. The solution lies by standing in front of your mirror, and having a really good look. Be a man, not an overgrown boy.

I'll man up & call her, at least if it doesn't work I'll know its time to move on.

meetme01:
Both parties are not ready to fix their home

Both parties need to go for marriage counseling
the slightest opportunity to move on.

Both parties need to ask themselves if the marriage would work.

Both parties should understand that the kid would suffer the brunt now and in future (broken home)

With my submission, I believe the home can be fixed if one of the parties (the man especially) lay low to accept the fault of the wife and move on.

Young man (OP) ego kills a man, destroy a home and a generation if caution is not taking. The response of you wife shows you are egoistic. If you want a HOME, please, go to your inlaws, discuss the issue, make sure you listen before you respond and let your response be, no problem, we would get it fixed. Pick your wife and go home.

I know it is hard. Very very hard but trust me, lots of marriages have passed through this and even worse. You will still face worse scenarios like this but if you subtle your ego now, the coming scenarios would be the turn of your wife to reciprocate and apologise.

It is your home. FIX IT. If you don't, you will REGRET

I love this, I'll make an effort to fix things immediately, let me be the man. I'll call her & study her approach & reaction

Rtk5:
I'll man up & call her, at least if it doesn't work I'll know its time to move on.

I'm glad you're deciding to call her. If it works, work together on how better to solve your grievances as a couple. If it doesn't work, work on how better to relate, as an individual.

Ishilove:
Sure

check your email please urgent

NiCurious:


This guy is giving you bad advice, playing to your insecurities and false pride, and you are drinking it up like a weakling taking the path of least resistance. The solution to your problems is not to pass blame to another person, which you've been trying to do since opening this thread. The solution lies by standing in front of your mirror, and having a really good look. Be a man, not an overgrown boy.

Gbam

NiCurious:
Turning this question back on yourself. How do you like the silent treatment she's giving you, now the shoe is on the other foot? You're in emotional turmoil. That's what it's like for her, when you give her the silent treatment. Lovely, ain't it?

you are losing the main focus here.... giving silent treatment to your partner (when you are upset) isnt the problem here, the fact that she left the family home with his kids IS the whole problem.

MrBrownJay1:


you are losing the main focus here.... giving silent treatment to your partner (when you are upset) isnt the problem here, the fact that she left the family home with his kids IS the whole problem.

Thank you very much. I sent you a mail

MrBrownJay1:


you are losing the main focus here.... giving silent treatment to your partner (when you are upset) isnt the problem here, the fact that she left the family home with his kids IS the whole problem.

MrBrownJay1, I often agree with you, but in this case I do not. Not at this point, anyhow.
The OP's reported problem is indeed that his wife left the family home with the kid. But getting at the reason why she did that, how OP himself is contributing the problem, and learning how to do things differently in order to avoid having these problems again, is the useful place to focus. There is a lot that we are not being told, and which is certainly where the root of the problem lies.

NiCurious:
MrBrownJay1, I often agree with you, but in this case I do not. Not at this point, anyhow.
The OP's reported problem is indeed that his wife left the family home with the kid. But getting at the reason why she did that, how OP himself is contributing the problem, and learning how to do things differently in order to avoid having these problems again, is the useful place to focus. There is a lot that we are not being told, and which is certainly where the root of the problem lies.

remember bro, the wife did something WRONG that made the OP get upset with her... they obviously have some communication issues so he chose to give her the silent treatment, and as far as i know there is nothing wrong with it, as many family go through issues and deal with them the way they BOTH see fit. the main problem here is when she decided (on her own) to take their child and leave the FAMILY HOME, thus depriving this man of his family and child, while A) asking "him" to come/crawl beg her to have his family back (as if "he" threw them away) and/or B) involving extended family in these personal matters, as if it will solve anything.

now, with such negative mindset from his wife, what do you think will happen if he begs her to come back and then they have a future misunderstanding... OR BETTER YET, how does begging this woman (who took the decision to leave) solves any of the problems they currently have?!

MrBrownJay1:


remember bro, the wife did something WRONG that made the OP get upset with her... they obviously have some communication issues so he chose to give her the silent treatment, and as far as i know there is nothing wrong with it, as many family go through issues and deal with them the way they BOTH see fit. the main problem here is when she decided (on her own) to take their child and leave the FAMILY HOME, thus depriving this man of his family and child, while A) asking "him" to come/crawl beg her to have his family back (as if "he" threw them away) and/or B) involving extended family in these personal matters, as if it will solve anything.

now, with such negative mindset from his wife, what do you think will happen if he begs her to come back and then they have a future misunderstanding... OR BETTER YET, how does begging this woman (who took the decision to leave) solves any of the problems they currently have?!

You're really more than on point.

Sometimes when we have problem, i do go to the family alone to tell them & sometimes i go with her to tell them what she has done.

The last time we had a problem that made her go back to her family, I took my mum's elder sister with another elder to their family to resolve. why must i be the only one approaching the family for settlement?

Of all the issues we've been having since we got married, when she goes back to her family she tell them something different.

The mother seem to always find a way of supporting her daughter no matter how obvious it is that her daughter is at fault.

I didn't send her away from the house, she left with my son. if I go to beg her, I guarantee you she'll do same whenever we have another problem. Am I gonna keep begging always?

She hasn't even called till date, no form of contact at all, so what should I contact her & tell her.

Her family likes drama, a reasonable family will have sent her back to her husband no matter what she tells them, they'll want to come & confirm to hear for them selves.


MrBrown, I'm sorry to say this, I'm never gonna call her, go to her family or even contact them in any way I choose to remain silent like she is now & see the end. if she comes back herself its fine, but if she comes to pick her belongings its also fine. Right now everything dey her hand.


What do you think?

MrBrownJay1:


remember bro, the wife did something WRONG that made the OP get upset with her... they obviously have some communication issues so he chose to give her the silent treatment, and as far as i know there is nothing wrong with it, as many family go through issues and deal with them the way they BOTH see fit. the main problem here is when she decided (on her own) to take their child and leave the FAMILY HOME, thus depriving this man of his family and child, while A) asking "him" to come/crawl beg her to have his family back (as if "he" threw them away) and/or B) involving extended family in these personal matters, as if it will solve anything.

now, with such negative mindset from his wife, what do you think will happen if he begs her to come back and then they have a future misunderstanding... OR BETTER YET, how does begging this woman (who took the decision to leave) solves any of the problems they currently have?!

Does he have to beg? How about "okay dear, I've cooled down, but we need to talk about how we deal with our issues".

Yes, they obviously have some communication issues, and they both need to work on them...however, only OP is asking for advice as far as I know, so he is being advised that the silent treatment is not the way to go about it. It's certainly the opposite of constructive communication. Staying silent until one finds words is one thing--silent treatment for a week, is something else! It's also pretty horrible for the kid to endure, speaking from experience.

OP works hard to downplay his own role in the trouble, the way a kid does, so we are not only getting a one-sided story, we are not getting the whole one-sided story. Who even knows what the wife did, that the OP became upset? Maybe the wife is foolish for leaving over small matters. But maybe the wife is foolish to keep coming back, over large matters. We just don't have the whole facts, to judge the whole picture.

In as much as I love my child so much, I'm also sorry to say this, I'm leaving the child for them & pretend I never had a child, if that's what they want, fine. I'm not going to do anything for the sake of the child. I know the kind of in law I have. they want to have a reason to squeeze you. I remember her mother telling me one certain time that we had an issue, she said if I don't want the marriage or the child I should leave the child for her. Is a mother in law suppose to say a thing like that? The mother is contributing a lot to this.

NiCurious:


Does he have to beg? How about "okay dear, I've cooled down, but we need to talk about how we deal with our issues".

Yes, they obviously have some communication issues, and they both need to work on them...however, only OP is asking for advice as far as I know, so he is being advised that the silent treatment is not the way to go about it. It's certainly the opposite of constructive communication. Staying silent until one finds words is one thing--silent treatment for a week, is something else! It's also pretty horrible for the kid to endure, speaking from experience.

OP works hard to downplay his own role in the trouble, the way a kid does, so we are not only getting a one-sided story, we are not getting the whole one-sided story. Who even knows what the wife did, that the OP became upset? Maybe the wife is foolish for leaving over small matters. But maybe the wife is foolish to keep coming back, over large matters. We just don't have the whole facts, to judge the whole picture.

Do you know to some extend she doesn't have respect for me? Sometimes I wonder who the man is between us? Yet I kept enduring & overlooking. I went to work & you sent me a text that you've left with our child. at least even if she wants to leave, if really she wants to settle she'll threaten me first that she will go if I don't talk to her but no she just took the decision alone.

Rtk5:
Do you know to some extend she doesn't have respect for me? Sometimes I wonder who the man is between us? Yet I kept enduring & overlooking. I went to work & you sent me a text that you've left with our child. at least even if she wants to leave, if really she wants to settle she'll threaten me first that she will go if I don't talk to her but no she just took the decision alone.

Rtk5, I don't know what to say any more. I both feel your pain, and see your weaknesses. I am not inside your wife's head, she is not here asking advice, so I can only suggest what you can do to help yourself, whether you are with your wife, by yourself, or with someone else.

I feel you both don't have the skills for marriage. If you both want to stay married, then you both need to work on your communication skills, and also see whether you both respect each other. Maybe separation would be good for both of you to reflect on yourselves, basically hit the pause button on the marriage. If you are tired and want a divorce, that's an option too, but the communication problems will rise again as soon as you are with someone else.

It is worth noting that you don't seem able to speak the whole facts of your matter, on an anonymous forum, where you asked for advice. So the keys for you are to face your whole truth, and learn to speak it, first to yourself, and then to your wife, and see where it goes from there between the two of you.