₦airaland Forum

Nickymichy:
So mumsy being send me to collect cloth from my sister..it was around 7pm...na so this mumu shit start to worry me ooo..guy just branch one corner to deposit...I was about releasing this missile when I suddenly felt one movement around me..I moved a little then this thing that looks like snake followed me...omo come and see japa..my speed should be around 70kmph...I now discovered that the more I run the more this thing keep coming after me..then I stopped.. only for me to realized that it was my belt...the belt long die... up till now I have not recovered from the shock...

mamajaz:
Ok. All your friends are men married men or women married women?

Go back to what I type and read slowly then try to digest it. Take care.

It didn't happen to me. But there was a time during my undergraduate, we were writing exams. The lecturers didn't allow the guys enter the hall to write their exams if they weren't wearing a tie. Na so this my guy wear tie on top polo t-shirt.

As the guy enter class, everybody just busted into laughter.

shekwon:
When i was much younger, my friend Promise usually comes to the house to play with i and my brothers and the boy can eat, he was always asking the meaning of this or that in my language so he can gain some favor.

So on that fateful day he came, he kept disturbing me to tell him what food was in my language.
I mischievously told him food in my language is agologma, meanwhile it means nyash and not food and depending on how you use it, it also can mean vagina.

Na so he went straight to my dad's elder sister who had been around and told her that "mummy i want to eat agologma" the beating e chop that day eh. His parents even come to apologize to my aunts.
Mischievous me, I denied ever telling him anything. I told them i didn't even know the meaning.

Now we're both married and we always laugh about it, we still call him agologma.

Lol..very funny

Oluromantic:
The day I farted, scratched my anus and smelt my fingers after scratching in an empty classroom only to see the girl I've been toasting and forming porch for, came out from the back of the class covering her nose with her hand. I didn't know what to say to her after that day

Unto the professional liars ......

What’s his best way out !

Macsjebs:
Mine was the day I asked that Nairalanders see reviews from their fellow Nairalanders on the thread on my signature and I was 'bashed', lol and yet a lot of Nairalanders still didn't check it out which is understandable because time is very valuable these days since everyone is occupied with several stuffs

And that was funny?�

kay29000:
Something funny.

Let me type my one, that relates to you. lol.

So, a few years ago, I started seeing this girl on most front page threads. She always seemed to get on the nerve of most guys, as she was always showing her feminist ways. Her name was pocohantas.

As a kid, Pocahontas was one of my favorite cartoons, so I grew interest in the girl. I noticed, behind all the gragra, she was a sweet girl. So, I started thinking of how I was going to be her friend. So, one particular day, while sipping my bottle of Legend at a bar, I came up with an idea of how to get to know her offline. When I got back to my apartment, I opened up my laptop, and saw a mention on Nairaland. I clicked on the mention...guess who the mention was from? Pocohantass I had said something earlier on in the day on a front page thread, and she was cursing me out because of what I said. I can't even remember what it was, but that was one of my funniest moments on Nairaland. What are the odds that the one person I was thinking of, would respond to one of my random messages..cursing me out like we were married and I didn't leave soup money before going out . It was just funny.

We became friends online for a short while after that.

Lol, definitely not a coincidence. I quoted you because I have been seeing your moniker around. Typically I quote people I like or people I know can respect your views without necessarily agreeing with them. I may not follow them, so they won’t even know I have my eyes on them . I avoid the rest, except the person said something extremely smart, silly, funny or annoying.

I am very sure I didn’t cuss you.

As calabar boy wey i be...

As calabar boy wey i be... Damm cant believe i read all the lies above.

Bosch10:
it was the day I was purging,and the shit has caught me in the middle of the road
immediately my system changed and I was abnormal for that time.
na small remain I for shit for body

Talk true, you shit for body.

kay29000:
Na wa o! Why are 90% of the stories about shit and fart?

exactly o
i was abt saying thesame tin
but they r very funny sha

Oluromantic:
The day I farted, scratched my anus and smelt my fingers after scratching in an empty classroom only to see the girl I've been toasting and forming porch for, came out from the back of the class covering her nose with her hand. I didn't know what to say to her after that day

lmao, guy u no go die better I wanted to cross road now to where we parked and reading this make me bang my toe on the divider lol I too funny

I have had many funny moments, very funny moments, but I will narrate one that doesn't involve personal details even though it's not too funny. Only boys can relate to the story I am about to tell.

My brother and I regularly played FIFA 19 last year. As a rule, we would play as many matches as we could in a day (until we were tired) and the person that won the most carried the day. At first, he would beat me mercilessly with a large margin in almost every match since he had spent a lot of time playing and mastering the game. My players, due to my brother's dribbling and sharp turns and my inexperience, seemed to be running hapzardly like people set on fire. My brother kept evading my defenders like people run away from feaces. Each time my brother won or scored, he would taunt me with a dance, and after we were done for the day, he would haughtily say I was beaten like a criminal and I should go and train. If I draw or won on few occasions, it was by luck and when I remarked that he still played very well, he would say "...by your standards." It was then I decided to teach him a lesson.

I spent some time developing my game (thanks to reddit, YouTube and the practice arena). Then I started beating and frustrating him. The beating exposed certain aspects of my brother: I discovered that he took the game personally, emotionally and always wanted to win. Defeat frustrated him. Beating him led to the following rage quits (in order of occurrence), few of which I will list.

RAGE QUIT 1: after my brother won the first two games, I went on a five-match winning streak. I kept marking my brother's players tightly, I kept collecting the ball and intercepting passes like I was born to do them. His frustration grew to my hidden delight. As usual, he repeatedly blamed the pad (controller) and changed tactics many times to no avail. When I announced that I could only played two more games since I was tired, he quit in frustration and said in anger "what can two games do?" (He wanted more games to even the record from 5 - 2 to 5 - 5) He quit and walked angrily to his room. As he did, he caught me smiling and he became angry with red eyes and said "why are you smiling? Do you think you are better than me?" I was shocked like madt. I was laughing on the inside but kept claim. How can someone take a game so personal?

RAGE QUIT 2: When I bought new controllers and was playing with one of them. I remarked that it seems my players were slow (actually, it was a false but sincere suspicion). He said "why are you blaming the pad for your poor game against the CPU (AI opponent)? If you can blame the pad, I don't know what else you will blame." Guess who blamed the pad the next day and smashed it in anger when I went on another five game winning streak? It was a funny sight. But he came back and after many draws and determination from him we continued and I still carried the day with a 6 - 4 record. The loss pained him so much that when I woke up to urinate at midnight that day (around 11 or 1 AM, thereabout) I saw him practicing so hard to beat me the next day.

RAGE QUIT 3: since we were becoming equal, I upgraded my defense. I gave his attackers no room to breath and I always collected the ball in no time. My players were aggressive. I ended the day with four wins, two draws and no loss. My brother quit even though we could play more. Before he quit, I observed he kept staring at my pad to discover what I was pressing and he repeatedly complained that my players were too aggressive. He asked what I was pressing and when I told him I was only pressing X, he angrily said "so is you X different from mine? Why are my players not collecting the ball too." After much defeat, he dropped his pad and said "this game is not balanced, only god knows what you are pressing to collecting ball (trying to insinuate that I am somehow cheating, he said this many times). I am not playing this game again."

The next day, I recorded three wins, two draws, and no loss. He made the same accusations and promised not to play again. This time, he repeatedly added that my game was nothing special and I just know how to collect the ball back. My other sibling kept laughing and I wondered if I wasn't supposed to get the ball again.

We still ended up playing FIFA after a long time but he doesn't take it personal anymore. We play for fun and we beat each other but I can't forget his rage quits. I can't narrate many other past rage quits because of time and space.

juman:
The day I was born to this nigeria.
Very useless country.

wtf are u saying the day u were born to nigeria as azin i dont grab...

this comment is in a wrong thread bruv

shekwon:
When i was much younger, my friend Promise usually comes to the house to play with i and my brothers and the boy can eat, he was always asking the meaning of this or that in my language so he can gain some favor.

So on that fateful day he came, he kept disturbing me to tell him what food was in my language.
I mischievously told him food in my language is agologma, meanwhile it means nyash and not food and depending on how you use it, it also can mean vagina.

Na so he went straight to my dad's elder sister who had been around and told her that "mummy i want to eat agologma" the beating e chop that day eh. His parents even come to apologize to my aunts.
Mischievous me, I denied ever telling him anything. I told them i didn't even know the meaning.

Now we're both married and we always laugh about it, we still call him agologma.

LOL!

This reminds me of my secondary school mate who name himself 'gi'golo.'
We got to know it meant something else the day he introduced his monika to a new teacher not knowing the man was from FCT. the student got flogged and expelled though. Two weeks later, he told us his friend initially told him it meant 'senior man.'

Jonra:
The funniest moments in my life all happened in or around Nsukka. You see, the first 8 years of my life was spent in that dusty university town;
and for a boy who couldn't speak or write in English in 2001 (@ 8 years old), I'd have imagined that the funny moments would be those days I was learning to speak English in Primary 3 (Family moved to Lagos), no they were not! (Shoutout to my Primary 3 teacher and mother, they'd both translate English instructions to Igbo and back...)

......

While your story was unnecessarily long, I do like the fact that you had a rough start learning the English language and now you write with so much splendor.

Mastakija:
exactly o
i was abt saying thesame tin
but they r very funny sha

Yeah

HitlerGaddafi:
Talk true, you shit for body.

bro,na small remain.the thing dey shook me for yansh like person wey sit on top needle.




meanwhile na for inside futa I dey.i no know the time wey I begin curse those greeting me left and right in my mind.

as I manage enter bush like this,na so I scatter the whole place.


my village people wan locate me that day na God no gree Dem.

As I no shit for body for secondary school.she na for University I wan take shit for body.God no go shame us o

Martinez39s:
I have had many funny moments, very funny moments, but I will narrate one that doesn't involve personal details even though it's not too funny. Only boys can relate to the story I am about to tell.

My brother and I regularly played FIFA 19 last year. As a rule, we would play as many matches as we could in a day (until we were tired) and the person that won the most carried the day. At first, he would beat me mercilessly with a large margin in almost every match since he had spent a lot of time playing and mastering the game. My players, due to my brother's dribbling and sharp turns and my inexperience, seemed to be running hapzardly like people set on fire. My brother kept evading my defenders like people run away from feaces. Each time my brother won or scored, he would taunt me with a dance, and after we were done for the day, he would haughtily say I was beaten like a criminal and I should go and train. If I draw or won on few occasions, it was by luck and when I remarked that he still played very well, he would say "...by your standards." It was then I decided to teach him a lesson.

I spent some time developing my game (thanks to reddit, YouTube and the practice arena). Then I started beating and frustrating him. The beating exposed certain aspects of my brother: I discovered that he took the game personally, emotionally and always wanted to win. Defeat frustrated him. Beating him led to the following rage quits (in order of occurrence), few of which I will list.







We still ended up playing FIFA after a long time but he doesn't take it personal anymore. We play for fun and we beat each other but I can't forget his rage quits. I can't narrate many other past rage quits because of time and space.

Lol. FIFA is personal

angelfallz:
Lol. FIFA is personal

There is something about that game that makes it induce rage and frustration. I once took the game personal but it didn't get to the extent of smashing pad and lashing out at your opponent. Lol. I usually had it at the back of my mind that it was just a game.

Jonra:
The funniest moments in my life all happened in or around Nsukka. You see, the first 8 years of my life was spent in that dusty university town;
and for a boy who couldn't speak or write in English in 2001 (@ 8 years old), I'd have imagined that the funny moments would be those days I was learning to speak English in Primary 3 (Family moved to Lagos), no they were not! (Shoutout to my Primary 3 teacher and mother, they'd both translate English instructions to Igbo and back...)

Now the funniest day happened in 2011, my first year at the University of Nigeria Nsukka. I was in the department of Electrical Engineering playing the game of 'pretend-to-be' a serious student. Well maybe I was in my first year, I was good for it.

Sometime in April 2011, I was going to the Nnamdi Azikiwe Library after a restful afternoon at the hostel (Mbanefo) and at the steps of the main entrance to the library, I was caught by some black letters on a blue roll-over banner, it simply said - "Could it be you?" with a Unilever logo splashed about the background in different shades.

Yes, I became curious (still am, the child in me lives), and whipped out my Nokia E51, to visit the URL on the banner <unileverideatrophy.com>. What I saw blew me away, so AXE (Unilever deodorant, not the guys of the night ) were coming into the Nigerian market and were looking at tapping ideas from young 'uns like meself and other brilliant young Nigerians in a competition format event.

Officially, the communication was this - To give University students the opportunity to express their unique business ideas, be developed by professional business mentors and get a taste of after-school life, Unilever Nigeria has launched the Unilever Nigeria Ideatrophy competition.

My tails were up, I love competition (blame it on my upbringing), and I left the library after 30 minutes of thinking "Could it be me?"
Long story short, I dialled Nnayere my friend from the same department and next-door neighbour (Room 412), and called on Lucky my room-mate (413, Mbanefo) - "Brothers something don happen, we have a challenge before us and we need to give it our best shot!"

All of us were freshers o, but we get mind. So we borrowed a Laptop from Brother Felix (My roommate, biochemistry lord and pastor). Thinking back, that laptop weighed like 20Kg. Mr Paul-Ugbe (Unilever) and a few other resource persons sent us presentation templates and we whipped up our presentations and sent them on 30th June 2011 (deadline day).

Everything was ready o until we were told we have to come to Calabar to defend our presentation on 15th July 2011
I was the only one aware of this new development and told the team a week before 'supposed' departure date.

Practice our presentation, no! Save money for travel, no! we just dey focus on CGPA until it was 12th July, when one of us asked, "Are we still going?"
I said Yes, we are already there!

Told my people at home we are going on an excursion and needed some money, they paid, Nnayere did same, his people paid, Lucky's people said on the day of excursion, they'll pay.

So a day before the main event in Calabar, 14th July - we met at 5 a.m., committed the Journey into the Hands of "Our Father" and left for Enugu.
Still unsure of this trip, because Lucky's people never still do the transfer. At about 9:13 am, the money came in, we were at Holy Ghost Enugu and were now sure this journey would happen if only we found a bus going to Calabar.

We found one, reached Calabar many hours later (about 5 hours, roads were better then). Then came another shocker, my guys no know say, we no get where to sleep. They thought we were going to the hotel for the main event (haqhaqhaq )

The shock on their faces when I asked our Taxi driver, "abeg sir we no get where to sleep this night, you fit to carry us go your house?"
Now, I could say that because the person in question was the dad to a friend in my department; Gerard had given me past questions to give to his dad for his sister who was preparing for PUME that year.

The man bluntly said, "I have too many daughters for 3 capable boys to come camping for a night, I'll take you guys to somewhere cheap", He delivered us to 38 Ekpo Abasi (still have the receipt for our two nights there) and we met Okon the caretaker, paid N3k for the first night, went out that evening to eat our first Edika-Ikong and another dark soup; it was raining heavily on the way back, lost my slippers to rushing waters.

We went to the hotel the next day, not knowing what to expect, na so we enter the stage, with big camera's and tough-looking judges, a carnivorous audience and our small belief. Omo eh, Lucky collect mic, introduced himself, come talk say "now I hand the mic to my brother Sebastine(Nnayere) to continue with the presentation (ah! this was not the plan o!). Sebastine also took the mic, introduced himself and said "now I hand the mic to my brother Orakwe to continue with the presentation (ah bro! this was not the plan!)

Sink or swim time; I swam pretty brilliantly, but what happened at the end was like hitting your head hard at the end of the line.
After all the wonderful suprisupri presentation and brilliant demonstration by the team; they asked us one (1) simple question - "How much do you need to make all of this possible?" i.e. to launch AXE deodorant into the Nigerian market ooooo

Na him I go make the biggest blunder of 2011, ladies and gentlemen, I said 1 Million Naira!!! (Damn Nigga 1 Mil naira not dollars)

Shaaa...I noticed the room temp dropped by 10 degrees. But at the end, one of the judges a Banker came up to us and said, we had the best presentation but 1 Million Naira guys, you shot yourselves in the foot!

Still laught about it till this day.

PS: I'm still a risk-taker and currently managing IT projects and doing great things with Virtual Reality (See my Offering Below)

Do you have an upcoming project that you want to showcase to clients and partners?

If you wish for your clients to tour your building even before a stone has been laid, a VR tour is your best bet.

See the VR tour of the upcoming Christ Embassy Healing School, Asese

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1qUibt7jw0

Users can walk around the building, into the building and interact with different elements depending on your demand.

This tour can be done using a VR headset
See how it's done here -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_GzIdsNfrg

My team is ready to bring your next project to life, simply share your CAD model (preferably REVIT) and we can start working our VR magic for your upcoming projects.

This got me cracking... Beautiful ending too..

pocohantas:
Lol, definitely not a coincidence. I quoted you because I have been seeing your moniker around. Typically I quote people I like or people I know can respect your views without necessarily agreeing with them. I may not follow them, so they won’t even know I have my eyes on them . I avoid the rest, except the person said something extremely smart, silly, funny or annoying.

I am very sure I didn’t cuss you.

Cool. But you refused to give me your number when I asked for it.

kay29000:
Cool. But you refused to give me your number when I asked for it.

Some friendships are better from a distance...

wonderful,

Martinez39s:
I have had many funny moments, very funny moments, but I will narrate one that doesn't involve personal details even though it's not too funny. Only boys can relate to the story I am about to tell.

My brother and I regularly played FIFA 19 last year. As a rule, we would play as many matches as we could in a day (until we were tired) and the person that won the most carried the day. At first, he would beat me mercilessly with a large margin in almost every match since he had spent a lot of time playing and mastering the game. My players, due to my brother's dribbling and sharp turns and my inexperience, seemed to be running hapzardly like people set on fire. My brother kept evading my defenders like people run away from feaces. Each time my brother won or scored, he would taunt me with a dance, and after we were done for the day, he would haughtily say I was beaten like a criminal and I should go and train. If I draw or won on few occasions, it was by luck and when I remarked that he still played very well, he would say "...by your standards." It was then I decided to teach him a lesson.

I spent some time developing my game (thanks to reddit, YouTube and the practice arena). Then I started beating and frustrating him. The beating exposed certain aspects of my brother: I discovered that he took the game personally, emotionally and always wanted to win. Defeat frustrated him. Beating him led to the following rage quits (in order of occurrence), few of which I will list.







We still ended up playing FIFA after a long time but he doesn't take it personal anymore. We play for fun and we beat each other but I can't forget his rage quits. I can't narrate many other past rage quits because of time and space.

IDK why but dis post sounds strange coming from u! All the post ive eva read from u is about redpill and ur atheism! Anyway thumbs up bro!we share d same ideologies!

pocohantas:
Some friendships are better from a distance...

Okay

Martinez39s:
There is something about that game that makes it induce rage and frustration. I once took the game personal but it didn't get to the extent of smashing pad and lashing out at your opponent. Lol. I usually had it at the back of my mind that it was just a game.

there's one particular guy who use to beat me, I'm better overall than him except for "marking"... The guy marking so tight one day I wanted to cry... I can't even dribble pass him once, if I pass ball to my striker like this gbam, he must collect am, I'm serious, you can't dribble this guy, all his players are always on drug.. I don't like to play against him, anytime I see him like this and I wanna play, I'd just be pressing my phone instead... The guy marking no be here at all ... Na "x" and another thing him dey press...

Starboytwo:
there's one particular guy who use to beat me, I'm better overall than him except for "marking"... The guy marking so tight one day I wanted to cry... I can't even dribble pass him once, if I pass ball to my striker like this gbam, he must collect am, I'm serious, you can't dribble this guy, all his players are always on drug.. I don't like to play against him, anytime I see him like this and I wanna play, I'd just be pressing my phone instead... The guy marking no be here at all ... Na "x" and another thing him dey press...

In FIFA, it's hard to beat someone with a good defense and precise aggressive markers and tackles. In fact the greatest way to improve you game is to learn how to mark/tackle and collect the ball, your game will improve greatly once you can do that and you will start seeing yourself having more chances, more attack and shots on goal. It will happen like magic. I usually use legacy defending instead of tactical defending. If you use legacy defending, I can teach you how to defend and collect the ball.

If person no give you breathing space and dey collect ball anyhow from you, e dey pain.

uncleck:
1.When I was a bike rider, I once visited a friend in a distant city. After taking a lot of bottles I decided to go home late at night. I picked a passenger that was going my way. After he accepted to pay N1500, we set out for the journey. For three times we fell down in slow motion. I would see the pothole, match break, then fall down slowly even before getting to the spot.

2. As a hustler then at school, I bought a bicycle that enabled me move quickly from one point to the other especially inside school. On that faithful day it rained heavily and there was flood everywhere. Just in front of my department where everyone was, I hit a stone and failed inside flood. The scream; the laughter; the looks... I just picked my bicycle and headed straight to home

3. ...


If you are building in IMO or it's environs, Your roof is my concern. https://www.nairaland.com/6136292/imo-state-environs-come-alum#94197670

Your first experience cracked me up like crazy. I almost choke... Falling in slow motion

I reduced the volume of my granny's ringtone then and she gave 1k to recharge the ringtone and I still collected transport. Sometimes I blame myself for scamming that woman but she stingy sha