₦airaland Forum

Commotfornigeri:
We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020

Really? So you mean you used to be happy even with all the Native Dr. Issues? That means you always ignore obvious signs.

2. You said your baby is suffering waking up at 6am. My kids wake up at 6 too and i get them ready for daycare. The secret to waking early is to sleep very early. Bed time for my kids is 7pm. You can try that.

3. Stop reporting him to his mom. They can't save the marriage if he decides to kick you out. It's like reporting a cheating husband to the wife. When they make up, you become a topic for discussion. His mother can never love you more than she loves him.

4. Stop repeating the "independent" "can take care of myself" talk. You're grooming something that may overwhelm you.

5. Suggesting that your mom comes first is not wrong. You'd be able to "command" your mom to help put things in order or press your stomach much more than you'd be able to "command" his mom.

In conclusion, it's unfortunate that your husband is who he is. Except he loses contact with those native doctors, they will be at the helm of affairs in your home.

If you people are still fvucking, then be hopeful, another baby may come soon. If you're not, then just go ahead to care for the one you already have.

You may share a home, but don't let anything get to you. Live your life to the fullest. Get busy with activities, spring is coming, summer thereafter. Plan a trip, if he comes, fine, if he doesnt, fine. Make yourself happy.

Thank you for your wonderful input. God bless

BlackMamba69:
very wise, bad sharp guy I tell you - glad he ignores her wailings.
Proverbs 25:24 it is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman
That niggar is a practicing Christian if you ask me!

I'll pass because the Bible says I should in the book of 2 Timothy.

2 Timothy 2:23-24 Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.

Nice try to get me

CanadianNaija:
Let me get this straight, in all this mess you still want to add another child to this equation? So if he had really wanted another baby despite showing that he doesn't love you, you would have gotten pregnant again?

If your story is the way you said it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with bringing your mum over to nurse you after childbirth as moat women are more comfortable around their own mother during this time. Unfortunately you married a selfish man and you know it, but you are looking for the typical “pray for him” advice. So I'll go with the flow and ask you to pray for him and watch war room.

Thanks my dear. Ur input hit the nail on the head. I'll remember this when I take my decision.

HarunaWest:
You typed a lengthy post just to pass a simple message.This is were the problem lies. You talk too much...
You are draining your hubby....Give him a break, he will come around sooner or later.
Become more kind and generous towards him.

Asin ehn!!!!! Op Is a great talker, as she said up there.

You're in a loveless marriage. It doesn't matter whether you're the reason why your husband doesn't love you, or he didn't achieve self-realization before marrying you; however, his actions and inaction show that he regrets getting married to you, citing your submission. So, the problem in your marriage didn't start from the point you made your choice to have your biological mother to visit - which under normal circumstances shouldn't have caused a problem, even if he's unfavorably disposed to the idea - the problem only reared up its ugly head from that point.

He's a man who hasn't conquered himself ethically and mentally, thus the reason why he's a slave to native doctors - the native doctors aren't the problem, but him. He isn't fit enough to lead himself, least of leading another grown-up in particular and a family in general. It doesn't matter whether he's of good financial and academic standing. By the way, your shortcomings are glaring; strive to be less self-absorbing.

LordKO:
You're in a loveless marriage. It doesn't matter whether you're the reason why your husband doesn't love you, or he didn't achieve self-realization before marrying you; however, his actions and inaction show that he regrets getting married to you, citing your submission. So, the problem in your marriage didn't start from the point you made your choice to have your biological mother to visit - which under normal circumstances shouldn't have caused a problem, even if he's unfavorably disposed to the idea - the problem only reared up its ugly head from that point.

He's a man who hasn't conquered himself ethically and mentally, thus the reason why he's a slave to native doctors - the native doctors aren't the problem, but him. He isn't fit enough to lead himself, least of leading another grown-up in particular and a family in general. It doesn't matter whether he's of good financial and academic standing. By the way, your shortcomings are glaring; strive to be less self-absorbing.

Wow! Thanks my dear for your wonderful input.

HarunaWest:
You typed a lengthy post just to pass a simple message.This is were the problem lies. You talk too much...
You are draining your hubby....Give him a break, he will come around sooner or later.
Become more kind and generous towards him.

which kind talk too much? the husband is clearly a fool and she's smarter than him that's why she feels this pain!

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

Continue to put him in prayers

sweetmelanin:
This is the life of 95% of parents abroad so I need you to put your big girl panties on and get on with life... welcome to motherhood, welcome to adulthood!

Not everyone can afford such luxury of bringing a mother across nations simply to help take care of your child... especially when you outrightly insisted on your own mother! I honestly can't blame your husband for his reluctance.. try and see things from his perspective too... have you truly thought about the costs? Visa application, flight tickets, cost of maintenance when she gets there; feeding, higher electricity&water bills etc.. he will need to show proof of sufficient funds to cover her maintenance for the entire duration of her stay there.. that is approx £7000 or £10000 that has been sitting in his account for at least three consecutive months prior to filing the visa application.
It's simply not fair to expect him to be burdened with all that for your own mother while he may secretly be wishing his own mother also deserves such investment. I think you should just forget it if you won't be funding your mother's trip yourself..

There are ways you can minimize childcare costs abroad:
- you can opt to be a stay at home mum if your job is low paying i.e. if you deduct childcare costs from your salary and the balance it isn't up to £500, just stay at home.
- you can get a part time/work from home job which allows you to stay home with your kid.
- Claim child benefit.
- You can get 15-30 hours free childcare (per week) sponsored by the government once your little one turns 2 or 3 years old (UK).

The other alternative is to move back to nigeria if you feel you can cope better over there..

Thanks for ur writeup and for welcoming me to motherhood. I think after struggling for many years to have my little one, it's but normal to have anxiety about her wellbeing before coming to terms with the fact that I'm in the 95%team.
..
Money is the least of our issues and for u to assume he'll be spending out of his pocket to get my mom here is kind of funny. I wouldn't talk about our finances here anyway.

Everyone is not based in the UK and no thanks, being a stay at home mom is not for everyone.

Whatever the case, ur input is appreciated.

bukatyne:
In this situation?

And you both can't resolve your issues thereafter?

Toor!

Sex doesn't solve problems.
Thank you!

Vevejoy:
Thanks for ur writeup and for welcoming me to motherhood. I think after struggling for many years to have my little one, it's but normal to have anxiety about her wellbeing before coming to terms with the fact that I'm in the 95%team.
..
Money is the least of our issues and for u to assume he'll be spending out of his pocket to get my mom here is kind of funny. I wouldn't talk about our finances here anyway.

Everyone is not based in the UK and no thanks, being a stay at home mom is not for everyone.

Whatever the case, ur input is appreciated.

Calm down madam. UK is merely a reference point since you mentioned you live abroad..

Your husband pays the nursery fees yet that isn't enough for you.. smh

... If truly you can afford to bring your mother wherever you are, go ahead and do so but please also ensure you also rent an apartment for her as well since you are so financially bouyant... Don't expect your husband to tolerate such expenses just because he married you. You are abroad, not in Nigeria!

Na wah oh. Last last wuna go the alright.
Goodluck!

sweetmelanin:
Calm down madam. UK is merely a reference point since you mentioned you live abroad..

Your husband pays the nursery fees yet that isn't enough for you.. smh

... If truly you can afford to bring your mother wherever you are, go ahead and do so but please also ensure you also rent an apartment for her as well since you are so financially bouyant... Don't expect your husband to tolerate such expenses just because he married you. You are abroad, not in Nigeria!

Thanks for ur input.

CalliDora1:
Sorry if I come across as judgemental. I'm not.
They were just mere speculations.

Good luck!

Why are you apologising? .. it is increasingly evident that OP isnt ready to listen to anyone who doesn't side with her in bashing her husband... she isn't out here looking for solutions...
This thread was born out of spite.. to further express all the rants her poor husband isn't willing to endure at home .. while having other nairalanders pacify her..

BlackMamba69:
very wise, bad sharp guy I tell you - glad he ignores her wailings.
Proverbs 25:24 it is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman
That niggar is a practicing Christian if you ask me!

Where did this one spring up from?

Do you live with them to know he is a practicing christian? Who asked you? The way some peeps like to proclaim their baseless assumptions as the basic truth and fact ehn.....

If you had read further comments from Op, you'd see she has debunked the person you quoted, so stop yapping about like a loose cannon.

Vevejoy:
Sex doesn't solve problems.
Thank you!

I never said sex solve problems.

But if you are still able to have constant sex in the toxicity you painted, then the issue is not as terrible as you painted it.

One of the major things that fly out of the window when marriages go sour is sex/intimacy.

Goodluck.

Biglittlelois:
Where did this one spring up from?

Do you live with them to know he is a practicing christian? Who asked you? The way some peeps like to proclaim their baseless assumptions as the basic truth and fact ehn.....

If you had read further comments from Op, you'd see she has debunked the person you quoted, so stop tapping about like a loose cannon.

There's something called sacarsm you know.

bukatyne:
I never said sex solve problems.

But if you are still able to have constant sex in the toxicity you painted, then the issue is not as terrible as you painted it.

One of the major things that fly out of the window when marriages go sour is sex/intimacy.

Goodluck.

I get you sis. Thank you very much.

Leshurr:
There's something called sacarsm you know.

Are you the guy I quoted to know it is sarcasm?

BlackMamba69:
This advice can only work on a matured mind - op is a spoilt, childish little girl who believes the world owes her something because she happens to have a vagina. Imagine a mother thinking taking a child to nursery is suffering. Tueh!

Okay this one is obviously a pained little mangina who has it in for females

How do you know taking a baby to a nursery isn't suffering? Are you a woman or a nursing mother?

Do you know how painful it is taking a baby to a strange environment to be in the care of strange people?
Do you know what goes on there during the period the child will be in their care?

Parents who go through this phase sacrifice a whole lot, and they just have to keep praying and believing their child is in safe hands, and at the same time, dismiss every negative thoughts

So if you know nothing, shut up, read, and learn.

Ma'am just focus on yourself and baby for now and I'm glad you've acknowledged your flaws, kindly reduce your nagging it gives a man mental breakdown. Develop that will to always walk away when the urge to start nagging comes in.

Here's what I do to stay sane and give my partner peace:

Either he listen while I roll out my grievances or I listen to him (you both can't talk at same time, you would only end up achieving nothing)

I don't know how to nag but anything that made me talk to you anyhow, then you actually called for it because I'm not one to loose my cool on trivial matters (it simply means you should talk when it's at the breaking point and not every time so that he would know the gravity of what he did wrong, a sensible man should know when he has erred big time)

Stop reporting him to a third party even if it happens to be his parents ( is that how he reports your matter to yours?) it's your home so chin up and man it properly.

In all of your complains, I didn't see where you praised him or tell his good side at all, it's all about his wrong doings. A good wife and mother starts with telling us how good the man is and then digress a little bit into his shortcomings while seeking help (you've washed, spread and iron out your husband's linen to the public which doesn't tell good) trust me, he wouldn't do that to you.

A happy man would gladly try for baby 2 in fact he would even be eager to do it but since he's not psychologically and mentally ready he wouldn't think of that (give him a break in that department) try and rekindle that love in his heart for you and pray instead of complaining.

Care, love and pamper him and most importantly talk less!

Biglittlelois:
Are you the guy I quoted to know it is sarcasm?

Possibly

Michelle55:
Ma'am just focus on yourself and baby for now and I'm glad you've acknowledged your flaws, kindly reduce your nagging it gives a man mental breakdown. Develop that will to always walk away when the urge to start nagging comes in.

Here's what I do to stay sane and give my partner peace:

Either he listen while I roll out my grievances or I listen to him (you both can't talk at same time, you would only end up achieving nothing)

I don't know how to nag but anything that made me talk to you anyhow, then you actually called for it because I'm not one to loose my cool on trivial matters (it simply means you should talk when it's at the breaking point and not every time so that he would know the gravity of what he did wrong, a sensible man should know when he has erred big time)

Stop reporting him to a third party even if it happens to be his parents ( is that how he reports your matter to yours?) it's your home so chin up and man it properly.

In all of your complains, I didn't see where you praised him or tell his good side at all, it's all about his wrong doings. A good wife and mother starts with telling us how good the man is and then digress a little bit into his shortcomings while seeking help (you've washed, spread and iron out your husband's linen to the public which doesn't tell good) trust me, he wouldn't do that to you.

A happy man would gladly try for baby 2 in fact he would even be eager to do it but since he's not psychologically and mentally ready he wouldn't think of that (give him a break in that department) try and rekindle that love in his heart for you and pray instead of complaining.

Care, love and pamper him and most importantly talk less!

Thanks for your wonderful input.

I'll try your tip on the nagging issue and I'll for sure remember your last sentence.

I appreciate your time and input.

sweetmelanin:
Why are you apologising? .. it is increasingly evident that OP isnt ready to listen to anyone who doesn't side with her in bashing her husband... she isn't out here looking for solutions...
This thread was born out of spite.. to further express all the rants her poor husband isn't willing to endure at home .. while having other nairalanders pacify her..

Why is everyone focusing on the rants while ignoring the fact that Op's husband accused her of being evil, and once accused his own father of being behind all his problem? Or didn't all of you see that?

Some native doctor is brainwashing her husband and I'm sure also receiving dollars or euro constantly from him, thereby causing a deadly feud in not just his immediate family, but also his own parents and family, but no, Op's nagging is the problem, a problem she readily admitted and presently working on little by little, yet you guys can't see that?

Leshurr:
Possibly

But not entirely?

Don't quote me unnecessarily ever again else you will be completely ignored.

Biglittlelois:
But not entirely?

Don't quote me ever again else you will be completely ignored.

Who do you think you are exactly? Lol! I will quote you as much as I like.

Only few people get Op's problem

The baby/mother/mother in law issue has been resolved, the child goes to a nursery,

The problem is, how to tackle the hold oga native doctor has on her husband, that is the main problem right now

@Op pls ignore those asking for.your tribe, they want to go tribal and start an unending war of words on here, pls don't indulge them at all.

Leshurr:
Who do you think you are exactly? Lol! I will quote you as much as I like.

Please do not derail Op's thread over trivial issue.
Learn the habit of ignoring and moving on, it does good to one's soul!

Let go dear!!

Biglittlelois:
Only few people get Op's problem

The baby/mother/mother in law issue has been resolved, the child goes to a nursery,

The problem, how to tackle the hold oga native doctor has on her husband, that is the main problem right now

@Op pls ignore those asking for.your tribe, the want to go tribal and start an unending war of words on here, pls don't indulge them at all.

Thanks my dear.
I appreciate all your inputs.
I'm not saying anything about tribe

Michelle55:
Please do not derail Op's thread over trivial issue.
Learn the habit of ignoring and moving on, it does good to one's soul!

Let go dear!!

Similarly to her own words; Are you the lady I quoted to know who started derailing?

sweetmelanin:
Why are you apologising? .. it is increasingly evident that OP isnt ready to listen to anyone who doesn't side with her in bashing her husband... she isn't out here looking for solutions...
This thread was born out of spite.. to further express all the rants her poor husband isn't willing to endure at home .. while having other nairalanders pacify her..

My dear. I just wanted her to be off my neck. Some people don't like being told the bitter truth. That's her case.

bukatyne:
I refuse to believe your husband went 360 because you said you want your mom.

Perhaps your 'stable' marriage was not stable at your husband's end.

This sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back.

Engage him on his exact problem and take it from there.

Exactly my thought.This stable marriage until the issue of which mom should come over is questionable.
I actually think the couple are both acting immatured.The wife nags as she has acknowledged and seems not to be wise with words.She just blurts out whatever is on her mind.
Her husband's behaviour is even worse.Except he regrets marrying her or has some psychological issues,his treatment of her is annoying.

Op the native doctor thing is the biggest issue in your marriage now.Those people can see and unsee.You'll be lying if you say you didn't notice this about him before marrying him or you were just too naive or blind to it.
Well,it won't stop suddenly.You should just keep praying and hoping they see good about you.

*Hold off getting pregnant again.There are issues to sort first.