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What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? - Family - Nairaland

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What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Vevejoy: 6:44pm On Jan 19, 2021
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

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Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Mood11: 6:46pm On Jan 19, 2021
undecided

You would have simply asked him who he would like to have over and allow him throw the dice to your choice. Even if his mother comes, it is not an achievement..

As matter don be like this, just allow him some time. He will come around.

163 Likes 7 Shares

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Ecbatana: 6:50pm On Jan 19, 2021
First of all, congratulations on the birth of your baby and may the forces be in her favor.

In order to understand the problem and proffer a tenable solution, let me break down your post as follows;

(i ) You've been married for six years and you live abroad,

(ii) You struggled all those years for the fruit of the womb up till 2019 when your baby girl was born,

(iii) the both of you discussed the prospect of bringing either of your moms to come and assist with the child care. When he asked to know which of the moms you preferred, you opted for yours and also backed it up.

(iv) now your marriage is threatened, he acts coldly towards you and all you now do is nag and complain,

(v) and finally, you mentioned that he visits witch doctors and takes their counsel.


I'd like to pose a few questions where in lies my advice.

1. Where did you meet him; here in Africa or abroad? This is because many ladies here in Africa quickly rush to marry someone they hardly know for the prospect of living abroad. Most of the time it's a thing of ego.

2. Did you court before marriage and for how long? I ask this question because courtship would have given the privilege to know things about him and make a stand. Or, you knew how he behaves and visits native doctors but got carried away by something else.

3. How close is he to his mother? Most men are attached to their mothers. When he asked you which of the moms you preferred, you should have weighed this in your heart before replying him. Choosing your mom over his will give him the impression that you are selfish and want only your family members to benefit.

4. Could you please stop the nagging and complaining? No man wants a nagging woman for a wife. Though his attitude towards you is highly annoying, do not play to the gallery. Since he is not complaining about paying for day care, let him continue to pay in peace. On your own part, be positive, have confidence in yourself, worry less, face your work and in your leisure find something to keep you positively engaged. Most men like to be in control, when he sees you no longer worry and regaining control over yourself, he'll try to re-establish control. Your charms will draw him close to you again.

Let me conclude in order not to bore you, if he has people that he listens to; talk to them. Also, a lot of people need assurances, prayers and fortifications to keep them going. Some find theirs in the church, others in the mosque and your husband the shrine. Do not joke with a man's religion. If you don't like it and can't compel him to change then divorce should be your last resort. After all, you stay abroad and the law favors women in issues like this. Except your abroad is an African country. Goodluck and may the cosmic guide you.

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Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by HarunaWest(m): 6:59pm On Jan 19, 2021
You typed a lengthy post just to pass a simple message.This is were the problem lies. You talk too much...
You are draining your hubby....Give him a break, he will come around sooner or later.
Become more kind and generous towards him.

580 Likes 34 Shares

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Nobody: 6:59pm On Jan 19, 2021
I stopped reading at believe in native doctor after 17years. It's simply impossible

And it made front page
Just so you know...if you carry your marriage matter come social media you deserve to be single forever.
Also ask those that have brought theirs here, was the problem solved here? So many things happen in marriages,they solve it themselves. Go come carry am.come social media.

No be relationship oooo. Marriage. Na wah o

42 Likes 2 Shares

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Eboski(m): 7:00pm On Jan 19, 2021
elders are coming to give you advise,
like what Harunawest said you talk to much,
learn from your husband by going mute also with him, don't move and also ignore him, he will come back to his senses...

12 Likes 2 Shares

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by heniford2: 7:04pm On Jan 19, 2021
all this thing you typed here break up with him please let me ask you what is wrong with him seen a native doctor, if we check very well know we will get to understand that the whole problem is from your side, you talk, abuse him, yet you want him to act so you will use it against him in overseas, maybe the will depot him thank God the young guy is smart very smart to avoid you, better re arrange your life oh or break up with him you want to have another issue while your still queering with him Ahh! you self shall chill oh or move on since you claim independentgrin

67 Likes 4 Shares

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by longetivity(m): 7:05pm On Jan 19, 2021
Gather here if you did not read the post

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Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by BornToSucced(m): 7:11pm On Jan 19, 2021
My sister;
Advise yourself
Pray for him....Pray hard!
Stop nagging unnecessarily
Try to be happy and let your husband be for now.
Don’t pressure him for anything.

In fact, just make him feel non-existent for some time.

Cheers!

54 Likes 1 Share

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Saintmary(f): 7:13pm On Jan 19, 2021
Focus on your baby.
Don't make him the center of your happiness, you'll be fine.

123 Likes 1 Share

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by ststyreal(f): 7:13pm On Jan 19, 2021
Nothing else other than to pray. You cannot fight the spiritual with the physical rather, you fight spiritual with spiritual since it involves a native doctor and you have tried talking to him severally...
Try to be calm, watch and pray. Just carry on as if you are not bothered, focus on your job and daughter, and watch how things plays out.
And above all, always pray to God because with him(God) nothing is impossible/difficult(Gen.cool
There is power in prayer if you believe...
I pray God bring peace to your home amen

52 Likes

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by DoubleEngine007: 7:19pm On Jan 19, 2021
You should have asked him.. "Baby who among your mom and his mom,he wants to come over"Then you wait for him to decide. He asked you as a trap,then the selfish you go fall put. Now look at what you have caused. Did you even say you don't know how to tell people that he visits or believes in native doctors
Don't try it please.. Someone above said ,you talk too much. I don't know how true is that,but if actually you talk too much.. Avoid telling the world the secrets of your husband, if you still do love your marriage.
The only thing that can safe you and your marriage right now,like the poster above me said is Prayers if you believe in God.

52 Likes 2 Shares

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Vevejoy: 7:22pm On Jan 19, 2021
HarunaWest:
You typed a lengthy post just to pass a simple message.This is were the problem lies. You talk too much...
You are draining your hubby....Give him a break, he will come around sooner or later.
Become more kind and generous towards him.


Thank you!

23 Likes

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Vevejoy: 7:23pm On Jan 19, 2021
BornToSucced:
My sister;
Advise yourself
Pray for him....Pray hard!
Stop nagging unnecessarily
Try to be happy and let your husband be for now.
Don’t pressure him for anything.

In fact, just make him feel non-existent for some time.

Cheers!

I appreciate

3 Likes

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Vevejoy: 7:24pm On Jan 19, 2021
ststyreal:
Nothing else other than to pray. You cannot fight the spiritual with the physical rather, you fight spiritual with spiritual since it involves a native doctor and you have tried talking to him severally...
Try to be calm, watch and pray. Just carry on as if you are not bothered, focus on your job and daughter, and watch how things plays out.
And above all, always pray to God because with him(God) nothing is impossible/difficult(Gen.cool
There is power in prayer if you believe...
I pray God bring peace to your home amen

You are very right! Thank you

5 Likes

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Vevejoy: 7:26pm On Jan 19, 2021
DoubleEngine007:
You should have asked him.. "Baby who among your mom and his mom,he wants to come over"Then you wait for him to decide. He asked you as a trap,then the selfish you go fall put. Now look at what you have caused. Did you even say you don't know how to tell people that he visits or believes in native doctors
Don't try it please.. Someone above said ,you talk too much. I don't know how true is that,but if actually you talk too much.. Avoid telling the world the secrets of your husband, if you still do love your marriage.
The only thing that can safe you and your marriage right now,like the poster above me said is Prayers if you believe in God.

I acknowledged in my writeup that I've been a nag since the beginning of this crisis.
I have heard u and will pray.
Thanks

20 Likes

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by mariahAngel(f): 7:43pm On Jan 19, 2021
DoubleEngine007:
You should have asked him.. "Baby who among your mom and his mom,he wants to come over"Then you wait for him to decide. He asked you as a trap,then the selfish you go fall put. Now look at what you have caused. Did you even say you don't know how to tell people that he visits or believes in native doctors
Don't try it please.. Someone above said ,you talk too much. I don't know how true is that,but if actually you talk too much.. Avoid telling the world the secrets of your husband, if you still do love your marriage.
The only thing that can safe you and your marriage right now,like the poster above me said is Prayers if you believe in God.

Women have truly suffered! undecided


" Don't complain! Suck it up and bear it!" Says the world

Sigh!

65 Likes 5 Shares

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by DoubleEngine007: 7:45pm On Jan 19, 2021
mariahAngel:


Women have truly suffered! undecided

"Suck it up and bear it!" Says the world

Sigh!
I don't know if they have suffered o madam undecided I was only advising the Op.

7 Likes

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by mariahAngel(f): 7:49pm On Jan 19, 2021
Vevejoy:


I appreciate

Dear, your pain is valid. You're not the only one at fault, so be consoled.
Everything will be alright in the end.

39 Likes 2 Shares

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by daddytime(m): 7:49pm On Jan 19, 2021
Hmm
Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by mariahAngel(f): 7:53pm On Jan 19, 2021
DoubleEngine007:
I don't know if they have suffered o madam undecided I was only advising the Op.

It's just that so much is expected of a woman, it is hardly fair. The more they give, the more they're asked to give.
All they ever wanted is to be listened to.

45 Likes 1 Share

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Vevejoy: 7:55pm On Jan 19, 2021
heniford2:
all this thing you typed here break up with him please let me ask you what is wrong with him seen a native doctor, if we check very well know we will get to understand that the whole problem is from your side, you talk, abuse him, yet you want him to act so you will use it against him in overseas, maybe the will depot him thank God the young guy is smart very smart to avoid you, better re arrange your life oh or break up with him you want to have another issue while your still queering with him Ahh! you self shall chill oh or move on since you claim independentgrin

He is a citizen of 2 1st world countries and can never be deported. Thanks for ur assumptions anyway. U said ur mind. ✌

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Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Vevejoy: 7:56pm On Jan 19, 2021
mariahAngel:


It's just that so much is expected of a woman, it is hardly fair. The more they give, the more they're asked to give.
All they ever wanted is to be listened to.


Thanks my dear.

3 Likes

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Vevejoy: 7:58pm On Jan 19, 2021
mariahAngel:


Dear, your pain is valid. You're not the only one at fault, so be consoled.
Everything will be alright in the end.


I teared up. Atleast one person has looked at my writeup in bothways n not do the regular blame game.
Words heal and these few u just wrote right here brought forth some healing.
Thank you!

98 Likes 5 Shares

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Vevejoy: 8:00pm On Jan 19, 2021
Mood11:
Your husband set trap and you fell into it undecided

You would have simply asked him who he would like to have over and allow him throw the dice to your choice. Even if his mother comes, it is not an achievement..

As matter don be like this, just allow him some time. He will come around.

Yeye trap, no be woman mother di go "omuguo"? As we the abroad now na to di set trap.
No wahala my dear, thank u a bunch!

33 Likes 4 Shares

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by DoubleEngine007: 8:01pm On Jan 19, 2021
mariahAngel:


It's just that so much is expected of a woman, it is hardly fair. The more they give, the more they're asked to give.
All they ever wanted is to be listened to.

Relationship/marriage is all about understanding. You should be able to understand your partner, and avoid anything that will bring issues or misunderstanding. If African women can understand the nature of African men,the rate of issues in marriages will reduce. But African women wants to always act like the western women, now that is where the problem in marriages is coming from these days. You said so much is expected of women, what are the things Not much jare,the misunderstanding is what makes it look much to "our nowadays women". My opinion sha. Good evening to you..

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Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Vevejoy: 8:02pm On Jan 19, 2021
MejiLoyon:
I stopped reading at believe in native doctor after 17years. It's simply impossible

Sound impossible but it's the reality. Thanks for attempting to read. �

2 Likes

Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by sweetmelanin(f): 8:09pm On Jan 19, 2021
Vevejoy:


Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

This is the life of 95% of parents abroad so I need you to put your big girl panties on and get on with life... welcome to motherhood, welcome to adulthood! smiley

Not everyone can afford such luxury of bringing a mother across nations simply to help take care of your child... especially when you outrightly insisted on your own mother! I honestly can't blame your husband for his reluctance.. try and see things from his perspective too... have you truly thought about the costs? Visa application, flight tickets, cost of maintenance when she gets there; feeding, higher electricity&water bills etc.. he will need to show proof of sufficient funds to cover her maintenance for the entire duration of her stay there.. that is approx £7000 or £10000 that has been sitting in his account for at least three consecutive months prior to filing the visa application.
It's simply not fair to expect him to be burdened with all that for your own mother while he may secretly be wishing his own mother also deserves such investment. I think you should just forget it if you won't be funding your mother's trip yourself..

There are ways you can minimize childcare costs abroad:
- you can opt to be a stay at home mum if your job is low paying i.e. if you deduct childcare costs from your salary and the balance it isn't up to £500, just stay at home.
- you can get a part time/work from home job which allows you to stay home with your kid.
- Claim child benefit.
- You can get 15-30 hours free childcare (per week) sponsored by the government once your little one turns 2 or 3 years old (if you are UK based).

The other alternative is to move back to nigeria if you feel you can cope better over there..

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Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Liposure: 8:16pm On Jan 19, 2021
Your husband is being authoritarian. You just have to come to terms with him and the lord will be your strength

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Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by Nobody: 8:29pm On Jan 19, 2021
You caused it. When he asked you who was coming over, you should have been wise enough to say any one of them can come, instead of saying your mom "of course"... It sounds more like you're calling the shots in the marriage and men loath it.

Complaining about his dealings with native doctors now sounds out of place because you knew this before going into the marriage. So why complain now because everything is beginning to fall apart? You should know that anyone who visits native doctors is always hard hearted and suspects everyone and everything around them. So, learn to live with it cos you saw it from the beginning but chose to ignore maybe because he's Yankee based.

All that glitters is not gold.

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Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by ststyreal(f): 8:36pm On Jan 19, 2021
Vevejoy:


You are very right! Thank you
You are very much welcome
Re: What Will You Do In A Marriage Like Mine? by sweetmelanin(f): 8:36pm On Jan 19, 2021
HarunaWest:
You typed a lengthy post just to pass a simple message.This is were the problem lies. You talk too much...
You are draining your hubby....Give him a break, he will come around sooner or later.
Become more kind and generous towards him.

Yeah from the write up, you can tell op talks a lot.. this is usually typical of someone who thinks a lot as well..

I feel for her but she needs to tone it down a bit (if not for anything but for her own peace of mind).. since all the nagging hasn't moved her husband one bit.

32 Likes

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