₦airaland Forum

I don't even know where to start from.... I'm so very sad right now I feel like dying. I think I made a wrong choice or I'm the one with the problem.

Please read till the end. I'll try to be as truthful as possible and I will deactivate after writing.

I'm a writer and I work from home. I've worked in several places before now without any success. My husband always insist that I get a full-time job even when I make 80-100k working from home. I've never made that much since I was leaving home to work for people. I've always contributed my quota to the home.

I don't want to work for anyone because of the kids. I want to save and get a side business. Hubby keeps relegating what I do like it's not a job.

I don't know why, but his mum just doesn't see anything good in me. She's said it on many occasions that no matter your level of education as a woman, it will all end in the kitchen. She always want to know everything about me from hubby and he never disappoints.

He once told her when I started writing that i wasn't earning much (which was true) and I was mad at him because she started making snide remarks about what I do whenever she has the opportunity. Hubby would even support what she says and they'd sometimes laugh together. He never tells them something good about me.

Hubby has once told me that my certificate is useless. He's also once mentioned that after building his house and anything happens to him, he'll be happy that his family (he always refers to his parents and 7 siblings as his family) will have something to share. He used his younger brother as next of kin, so I'm not surprised.

I forced him to buy the property whereas his mum says he's still young and doesn't really have need for property (he's in his mid thirties).

Before we got married....

My family betrayed me when I ought to get married to him because the first born of our home said she will have to get married first and our wedding couldn't hold as a result ( I was already pregnant). I wasn't happy about this and I told my husband how disappointed I was with what my sisters and mum did.

I thought he had my back. I thought he'd always have my back. But I was wrong. He and his mum ended up saying I must have been a terrible person for my sisters to stop me from getting married.

I have a younger sister in school. She usually comes to spend the holidays with me and take care of the kids. Last year, hubby's 4th younger brother came to live with us because hubby wants to help him with his job. He works with hubby and they come home together.

I noticed some changes when he arrived:

Hubby will be with him and they'll discuss until 11 or 12 midnight before coming to the room to meet me.

He doesn't clear his plates after eating ( when I complained, hubby would rather pack the plates himself than tell him)

He would watch whatever station his brother wants to watch and even stop my kids from watching cartoons. (Hubby didn't see anything wrong in this still)

Hubby starts putting on the gen earlier than before and put it off when the light is back. He doesn't do this before. He'd always give us time and off it without considering my little children. If I buy fuel, he'll start saying I'm becoming proud.

He always satisfies his brother and we never eat without meat (before his brother arrived, we use to eat without meat on many occasions)

I'm a very emotional person and I dislike cheating. I called my husband's attention to these things but he always replies "you nag too much. You're a very troublesome person". He says he never nags about my sister, so why should I disturb his brother?

I decided to keep quiet at this point but I wasn't happy that he was treating his brother better than I and his kids.

I spoke to him harshly one of the days his brother wasn't around after exhausting all manners of communication. I said he doesn't have sense and doesn't know how to balance things in his home. The next thing he did was to hit me and beat me up.

He called his mum and dad after this and I heard them laughing on the phone. It was a very terrible day for me. I packed a few things the next day and left the home. My mum, uncle and everyone started telling me to go back to him (after warning him against doing such next time).

Everyone were concerned about the kids. My mum told me to go back but ensure that I keep quiet and respect him and that I shouldn't cause problems between him and his siblings since he appears to love them more.

I am not happy right now. I'm very very sad. He doesn't appear to be remorseful about the whole thing even though he begged me to return. In fact, I had to tell my people that I wasn't going back until he begs me to return before he apologized. He was even laughing at me when I was leaving. Then when I got back, he said:

"I don't know what happened now that you're packing your load. I don't know who will marry someone with kids". He's always saying nobody will marry someone with kids.

My heart sank when I heard these words. He laughed as he said this. Now, I don't understand what's going on because this was a man that paid my school fees in 400 level, he was my first love, I loved him like life itself, I helped him secure his present job and he never appreciates me for that.

I always speak highly of him before my family. I respect him a lot before now but I don't even understand him anymore. He doesn't seem to care about my happiness.

Or am I being selfish? I only wanted him to do things the right way. Is it a crime to love your wife and children like you love your siblings?

His brother left after the fight and my sister never returned too (I told her not to). I don't know what he told his brother.

After the fight, his mother lied against me but I was lucky to put the call on record since it's not her first time of doing it. She said I abused her and threatened over the phone (which was all lies). She also reported me to the head of their family and my mum.

I later played the recorded call to hubby and his dad, but they still blamed me. Hubby didn't even admit that his mum was wrong. I have always known his mum doesn't like me but I never knew she could lie against me.

Now, mum is telling me to be patient and stay for my children. I have saved up over half a million and I'm starting to think of leaving to a very far place where he can not reach me and my children. He doesn't seem to bother or care about us when we left when he beat me and I'm beginning to think he doesn't value us. Although, he promised not to repeat it again.

I'm dying inside and I don't think I can take this anymore. Hubby puts me down in front of everyone like I'm a nobody. I'm an introvert. I don't talk too much but hubby is am extrovert. He keeps making me feel less of a human and I'm losing it.

He keeps blaming me for making his brother leave and he doesn't seem to understand my points at all. I believe no one is perfect but is it okay for a man to support his siblings and mum without mentioning their faults, while mentioning his wife's faults to everyone that cares to listen?

Please let me know if there's any better ways I would have handled these issues. Can I survive in this marriage? My love for him seems to be reducing by the day and I'm not emotionally balanced. I'm not happy at all and he doesn't even seem to care.

He goes about his daily business as if we don't have issues. Is it because I've never denied him sex? Is he taking me for granted? He will only apologise when he needs sex and go back to status quo. He even forces me sometimes.

I don't even know who I am anymore. Am I a bad person? I've always been the up and doing wife of the family. I'm the first wife and his mum maltreat me unlike other wives because their husbands shouts at the mum not to kill their wives. My husband doesn't care if I'm overworked, as long as it's his mum. I think I've been used and I don't worth a thing anymore. I'm dying emotionally.

Missis:
Majority of women are not happy in their marriages, na bear them dey bear.

NoToPile:
Nawa ooo

How can someone even thrive in such a setting.

I started cringing when I read they hubby and MIL make jest of your job, your hustle. Who does that? Then I read further -What kind of people are they.


Can you just do as this poster said

sloo1:
The truth is your might be a good person but you have not been a good wife. I will give you reasons when I wake up.

The problems:

You are jealous, insecure and a bit arrogant.

The circumstances surrounding you wedding - your pregnancy, rejection by your family, your perceived inlaws perception of you, made you insecure.

You are jealous of your husbands attention to his family and you are either arrogant or suffering from inferiority complex or both.

The solution:

Love and respect those whom your husband love - his family. Engage his siblings in healthy conversations. Made them your friends. Show them care and love. Sometimes join their conversation with your husband. Remember that your husband has been showing such care and love to his family long before he met you.

Work on acquiring a humble heart. Asking your brother in-law to wash his plate when you and your sister are there is example of your arrogant or inferiority complex in action. From your description of him he is not a small boy. Does your husband wash his own plates too.

If you become humble and stop thinking much of yourself you will be at peace with yourself and will be a lovely woman to both your husband and in-laws.

Your husband also needs advice but since he is not here no need to go on

adanny01:
Are you married?

Am sure if someone advice your wife tobe independent, you will curse him or her.

Don't talk?

Just tell her to get a divorce, cause that's indirectly what you mean

igbosoupkitchen:
When she says dont talk, she is talking about the power of silence, for a woman who was tagged as "nagging" amd suddenly goes quiet,trust me everyone will be dying to hear her speak.

I agree with the advice, at this time dear OP , silence is golden

NoToPile:
Who does that?

adanny01:
Silence will make it worst.

Trust me, if she keeps quiet, she will die in silence.

What she needs is to turn the table on her husband.

If her husband sees her talking and laughing with both his beloved brother and mother, what do you think will happen?

Take this from a man.

Women don't understand diplomacy, that's what she needs not to keep quiet. She needs to be tactical. Surprise her foes and bring them close. Call them, visit them, show them your good side and the husband will be the one to shut up. He will be scared where their loyalty is so he will talk less about her to them.

She keeps quiet and it's over. That's what he actually wants.

mrblessed:
Why did she deactivate when she has written what amounts to a Master's dissertation without waiting to sit for the "defence?" I stridently decry many loses here: lose of financial resources and lose of cognitive and intellectual resources. Is the deactivation executed to protect her image on this platform? Will the "dissertation" be held up to scrunity and suffer severe punctures? Is there a chance that the husband would chance upon her "dissertation," and consequently tore it to shred.

If only she knew what she missed by this uncharacteristic, knee-jerk, and premature deactivation. At least most nairaland ladies are predictably disposed to swallow her "dissertation" hook, line, and sinker without pausing to see if really there are areas she has shortcomings, and insanely take the man, a very "bad" man indeed, to the cleaners.

LadySarah:
Dear Op, you aren't wrong .Dont let anyone blame you .Dont let them kill your esteem. This is how women develop hbp and which if you die, your husband will marry another woman who will maltreat your kids. Your MIL can only backtrack if your husband puts her in her place. As it stands he doesn't know his duties.A mother has her place and a wife her place.

The unfortunate thing is that your immediate family that should have your back isnt being supportive so you see yourself all alone. I'm sending you hugs.

You owe yourself to be happy. Is their anything that makes you happy?Go out and meet friends or join an organisation or cell that will keep you out of the house sometimes. Come home happy, smiling, bubbly and gist with your friends and kids. If they deny your kids cartoons, buy play stuffs for them.Read kiddies books with them. Pray about your well-being and theirs and continue doing your work with joy. Pray loud, play jams, stop wallowing in self pity.

You are better than what they tell you. Should you choose to leave, save up more. I'm happy you have something doing. God will bless your efforts.

adanny01:
Best advice to you but wrong in so many levels.

You don't advice a married man or woman to be independent. It's better to tell them to get a divorce than encourage them to do what will further separate them.

adanny01:
When you want to get a story like this right, don't assume things that you cannot be too sure.

Are you telling me because you have been on other women groups and heard so many stories so this means these women are all maltreated by men.

It may surprise you to find out things are different from what you were told. These stories are given to you with a lot of sentiment, highly opinionated and sometimes intended to attract sympathy which the person needs as encouragement to continue in the wrong perception of their situations.

Girls are raped, boys are raped too but how many times do you hear a case of a raped boy?

Women suffer in the hands of men, men suffér in the hands of women but you get to hear one side every time without hearing the other side.

The problem is how we think of the situation.

Op came hear with a problem, our responsibility is to pick her fault and tell her how to become better. If you tell her her husband is at fault without telling her her own faults, she makes no corrections and it becomes worst.

Worst is telling her how to become worst, example telling her to hide her money. What if the husband finds out and it becomes worst for them. He provides his for the family and she hides hers, if I find out then it's not about the money, but the trust.

I don't even know where to start from.... I'm so very sad right now I feel like dying. I think I made a wrong choice or I'm the one with the problem.

Please read till the end. I'll try to be as truthful as possible and I will deactivate after writing.

I'm a writer and I work from home. I've worked in several places before now without any success. My husband always insist that I get a full-time job even when I make 80-100k working from home. I've never made that much since I was leaving home to work for people. I've always contributed my quota to the home.

I don't want to work for anyone because of the kids. I want to save and get a side business. Hubby keeps relegating what I do like it's not a job.

I don't know why, but his mum just doesn't see anything good in me. She's said it on many occasions that no matter your level of education as a woman, it will all end in the kitchen. She always want to know everything about me from hubby and he never disappoints.

He once told her when I started writing that i wasn't earning much (which was true) and I was mad at him because she started making snide remarks about what I do whenever she has the opportunity. Hubby would even support what she says and they'd sometimes laugh together. He never tells them something good about me.

Hubby has once told me that my certificate is useless. He's also once mentioned that after building his house and anything happens to him, he'll be happy that his family (he always refers to his parents and 7 siblings as his family) will have something to share. He used his younger brother as next of kin, so I'm not surprised.

I forced him to buy the property whereas his mum says he's still young and doesn't really have need for property (he's in his mid thirties).

Before we got married....

My family betrayed me when I ought to get married to him because the first born of our home said she will have to get married first and our wedding couldn't hold as a result ( I was already pregnant). I wasn't happy about this and I told my husband how disappointed I was with what my sisters and mum did.

I thought he had my back. I thought he'd always have my back. But I was wrong. He and his mum ended up saying I must have been a terrible person for my sisters to stop me from getting married.

I have a younger sister in school. She usually comes to spend the holidays with me and take care of the kids. Last year, hubby's 4th younger brother came to live with us because hubby wants to help him with his job. He works with hubby and they come home together.

I noticed some changes when he arrived:

Hubby will be with him and they'll discuss until 11 or 12 midnight before coming to the room to meet me.

He doesn't clear his plates after eating ( when I complained, hubby would rather pack the plates himself than tell him)

He would watch whatever station his brother wants to watch and even stop my kids from watching cartoons. (Hubby didn't see anything wrong in this still)

Hubby starts putting on the gen earlier than before and put it off when the light is back. He doesn't do this before. He'd always give us time and off it without considering my little children. If I buy fuel, he'll start saying I'm becoming proud.

He always satisfies his brother and we never eat without meat (before his brother arrived, we use to eat without meat on many occasions)

I'm a very emotional person and I dislike cheating. I called my husband's attention to these things but he always replies "you nag too much. You're a very troublesome person". He says he never nags about my sister, so why should I disturb his brother?

I decided to keep quiet at this point but I wasn't happy that he was treating his brother better than I and his kids.

I spoke to him harshly one of the days his brother wasn't around after exhausting all manners of communication. I said he doesn't have sense and doesn't know how to balance things in his home. The next thing he did was to hit me and beat me up.

He called his mum and dad after this and I heard them laughing on the phone. It was a very terrible day for me. I packed a few things the next day and left the home. My mum, uncle and everyone started telling me to go back to him (after warning him against doing such next time).

Everyone were concerned about the kids. My mum told me to go back but ensure that I keep quiet and respect him and that I shouldn't cause problems between him and his siblings since he appears to love them more.

I am not happy right now. I'm very very sad. He doesn't appear to be remorseful about the whole thing even though he begged me to return. In fact, I had to tell my people that I wasn't going back until he begs me to return before he apologized. He was even laughing at me when I was leaving. Then when I got back, he said:

"I don't know what happened now that you're packing your load. I don't know who will marry someone with kids". He's always saying nobody will marry someone with kids.

My heart sank when I heard these words. He laughed as he said this. Now, I don't understand what's going on because this was a man that paid my school fees in 400 level, he was my first love, I loved him like life itself, I helped him secure his present job and he never appreciates me for that.

I always speak highly of him before my family. I respect him a lot before now but I don't even understand him anymore. He doesn't seem to care about my happiness.

Or am I being selfish? I only wanted him to do things the right way. Is it a crime to love your wife and children like you love your siblings?

His brother left after the fight and my sister never returned too (I told her not to). I don't know what he told his brother.

After the fight, his mother lied against me but I was lucky to put the call on record since it's not her first time of doing it. She said I abused her and threatened over the phone (which was all lies). She also reported me to the head of their family and my mum.

I later played the recorded call to hubby and his dad, but they still blamed me. Hubby didn't even admit that his mum was wrong. I have always known his mum doesn't like me but I never knew she could lie against me.

Now, mum is telling me to be patient and stay for my children. I have saved up over half a million and I'm starting to think of leaving to a very far place where he can not reach me and my children. He doesn't seem to bother or care about us when we left when he beat me and I'm beginning to think he doesn't value us. Although, he promised not to repeat it again.

I'm dying inside and I don't think I can take this anymore. Hubby puts me down in front of everyone like I'm a nobody. I'm an introvert. I don't talk too much but hubby is am extrovert. He keeps making me feel less of a human and I'm losing it.

He keeps blaming me for making his brother leave and he doesn't seem to understand my points at all. I believe no one is perfect but is it okay for a man to support his siblings and mum without mentioning their faults, while mentioning his wife's faults to everyone that cares to listen?

Please let me know if there's any better ways I would have handled these issues. Can I survive in this marriage? My love for him seems to be reducing by the day and I'm not emotionally balanced. I'm not happy at all and he doesn't even seem to care.

He goes about his daily business as if we don't have issues. Is it because I've never denied him sex? Is he taking me for granted? He will only apologise when he needs sex and go back to status quo. He even forces me sometimes.

I don't even know who I am anymore. Am I a bad person? I've always been the up and doing wife of the family. I'm the first wife and his mum maltreat me unlike other wives because their husbands shouts at the mum not to kill their wives. My husband doesn't care if I'm overworked, as long as it's his mum. I think I've been used and I don't worth a thing anymore. I'm dying emotionally.

Ishilove:
And this, folks, takes the award for the shittiest comment of 2021 first quarter.

Cutehector:
Husband's side of the story first... Una too dey like to blame even ant for everything

sloo1:
The truth is your might be a good person but you have not been a good wife. I will give you reasons when I wake up.

The problems:

You are jealous, insecure and a bit arrogant.

The circumstances surrounding you wedding - your pregnancy, rejection by your family, your perceived inlaws perception of you, made you insecure.

You are jealous of your husbands attention to his family and you are either arrogant or suffering from inferiority complex or both.

The solution:

Love and respect those whom your husband love - his family. Engage his siblings in healthy conversations. Made them your friends. Show them care and love. Sometimes join their conversation with your husband. Remember that your husband has been showing such care and love to his family long before he met you.

Work on acquiring a humble heart. Asking your brother in-law to wash his plate when you and your sister are there is example of your arrogant or inferiority complex in action. From your description of him he is not a small boy. Does your husband wash his own plates too.

If you become humble and stop thinking much of yourself you will be at peace with yourself and will be a lovely woman to both your husband and in-laws.

Your husband also needs advice but since he is not here no need to go on

djon78:
Not when one is married to insensitive and selfish partner

ImaIma1:
Funny how you guys never ask for the wife's side of the story when it's a man who opens a thread.Men are never wrong in your eyes.

sloo1:
Our family culture sometimes affects our perception of what is right and wrong.

In my own house, my wife or the domestic staff clears the table after meal. Imagine i visit my brother and the wife suggest, even with her body language, that I should clear my table (ofcourse that's unthinkable)...

In your own family it's possible your husband has the responsibility of washing the plates after meal. That is not bad if it's your understanding but telling your matured visiting brother in-law to wash his plates after meal, I think that's what is shitty. The OP's husband understands that, that's why he tried to cover for his brother thereby protecting both his brother and his wife. He is a good man.

I have gone beyond insulting people in online forum. I wish you all the best.

Ishilove:
Whatever.

Different strokes. Why will a grown man eat and leave his plates behind? Speaks if ill breeding