₦airaland Forum

Floodgater:
You are welcome. Now that you opened up more, i can see part of the naivety slack i cut you earlier. You know that this man really loves you, the average naija man with his average mentality would have written you off as no wife material but you are the one making "shakara". Both of you reason the way you do because of your background which doesnt make either totally wrong, the key thing is compromise. The good thing is he seem wholly in love, use it to your advantage. Know that it may not always be exactly how you want it to be all the time, same with him. Teach him to see from your view as you work on yourself to reason from his end too. Do you know the traits from you both can greatly complement and strengthen each other. I dont want to imagine how your children will be if you get a man that does not flog, dont cook or do chores in this naija not leaving out the possibility of him not loving you like this man. As you break, read books on marriage and how men handle issues so that you can mature more and teach him even as you learn from him. Do you know the best type of marriage is the one the man loves the woman without any reservation or mentality of i am the man and a woman must be a woman, thus not know everything about me. Provided he is willing to compromise, you too compromise. And please add a bit of respect and value to him and all he has done for you, i think it can go a long way.

Okay, so I shouldn't tell my family all I've written here then, I'm worried though, that my mum might give him some tough time as she likes to scrutinize, I don't want his ego to be affected in any way by my family, is there a way to avoid this?

Madampinkolo:
@MarvelousGod,thank you.Believe me when I say i'm the one who is lucky to have him.

Preternatura1,
Please permit me to address you..
While he's a good guy,he may not be right for you still.What strikes your fancy may be totally different from what gets me going.In every long term se xual relationship,things may dull after a while and it would take more effort to reach those levels of excitement that were reached at one minute in those days.
I've looked at your reasons and though they are not very tangible to me,they are very serious to you and i respect that.It's now left for you to decide.What is it he finds oyiboish about you?Do you consider him to be a bush man?Is it that his dressing is not up to par?Or is it a string of bad english (I is coming,i am spoking to you sort of thing?).There's no point being with someone you are ashamed of.It will weigh the relationship down.I normally prefer people to marry within or above their 'percieved' class to avoid he's not posh enough for me tales.

By exposure,what do you mean?He hasn't seen the world?He grew up in the village?He doesn't know how to drink from a champagne glass or hold cutlery?He doesn't know how to swish the wine in his mouth first before swallowing?

Why i'm asking is that most of these things can be remedied,they are fixable.If it's an issue for you that it hasn't been ingrained from childhood,it's fine.You are the one the shoe is pinching.

However,in the greater scheme of things and as you get older,you may find that these things don't really matter.Posh won't pay the bills,posh won't help around the house,exposure won't hold you and kiss you at night,exposure won't buy you flowers just because...
It's a good,kind reliable loving man who will.
I believe that you will find a man suited to your taste though. Nothing wrong in what you want,just make sure your priorities are in order.

My DH as he was then many people would have rejected.Strong non handsome face,just that general strong look.Then he had an accident that caused one of his legs to be about half an inch shorter than the other and a spine that's damaged to some extent.Now with this picture i presented,the first thought is to tear race abi? . I didn't.He has kind eyes,and such beautiful hands.I fell in love with his character and his hands.They are beautiful,i just don't know how to explain it.
Yea,upon his slight disability he smoked and drank o.I said i wouldn't marry a smoker,he quit.For over 5 years now,he hasn't smoked and he detests smoking.We share a beer or wine at home,he doesn't do the toxic every evening beer again.
My point is that it pays sometimes to look beyond what's infront of you.You may be shocked at the potential a not so 'hot' person has inside.I have noticed that people who are not so aesthetically pleasing to the eyes, work harder on their personality and refine their character(my opinion).
DH too had etiquette issues,not a power dresser etc.All it takes is a youtube video and practice.Enter a shop with crisp beautiful shirts and trousers and start dressing him up to your taste.Spend hours scouring magazines on men's fashion to find colour combinations?
You can be whatever you want to be with hardwork,team effort and determination.
Please make sure that if/when you leave him,you'll be 100% regret free even if you see a picture of him on a yatch.


NB. I can afford to be a tyrant with crazy opinions & get away with doing many things because of the temperament of the man i'm married to.So,no one should really listen to me abeg.

.

You are a very funny woman, I love your sense of humor.

No, his english is not bad but his accent isn't all that(i do know that I don't particularly speak english language like a briton would, yet somehow, people don't usually believe I was mostly bred in Nigeria) and I don't have much problem with this, I just kinda want my kids to not speak like him, he sometimes pick offense, when I try to correct him.

His Dressing is very much okay now, he listens to my advice on this some times but I'd like him to spend more on what he wears, he kinda complains about me spending "too much" money on stuffs,and doesn't see why I should buy label brand when I can get it somewhere cheaper, this doesn't really cause any problems as the money I spend is mine, I only take gifts from him

In the early stage of our relationship, I told him to stop buying things for me because I didn't really like the kinda things he bought, overtime he stepped up, but I feel he won't really continue this way after marriage now, having read most of the stories on how marriage changes people.

His Primary and secondary education was in the village, he was offered admission into college and moved to the city where he has remained. He knows how to drink from a champagne glass and his cutlery etiquette is okay but he would rather eat with only a spoon than with a fork/knife which is not really a problem for me, but what about my kids?

He travels but its usually for business and he doesn't stay long when he does.

It's not like I'm ashamed of him but I wouldn't like a situation where my family or friends will be asking why he needs to fill the glass to the brim or why he doesn't chew with his mouth closed, the first time he was in my house(dad's birthday), my niece asked him to please be quiet(he was on the phone laughing) because she was watching her show, he didn't find it funny, said the kid is spoilt and wouldn't take it lightly if his child did something like that, I tried to make him understand that it's not the way he saw it but he wouldn't take it. If I hadn't intervened when I noticed what happened, he probably would have scolded her and that wouldn't have ended well.

I met him on a plane, he was sitting next to me, he kept me company and somehow we ended up lovers.

I don't consider myself a vain or shallow person, I just don't want to encounter too much problems in my marriage.

My family doesn't know he's talking marriage as I've not told them, if I do and tell them my reservations, they'd mostly ask me to call it quits especially if I tell my sisters or mum his stand on the things I buy, that's mostly why I brought it here to get unbiased opinions.

He took me to meet his mum, she asked me to cook oha soup and I told her I don't know how to, she was shocked but he covered for me, she also had a problem with my gown(though he asked me to change before we left but I refused), I just want to make the right choice. To be honest, I just started feeling different ever since he started talking marriage seriously, I really want to do it right, before the talks started, I didn't even know if I wanted to get married.

Thank you everyone who has contributed as regards my issue, I sincerely feel honored that you all can take out time out of your busy lives to address the matter.

Merci beaucoup.

MzStunner:
I have been following this thread from the beginning and some of the experiences are like answers to some situations I am facing or have faced. I want to thank you babyosisi, mutter, chaircover, madampinkolo, and all of you that have shared your stories, believe me, I have been refreshing this page for the past one week for updates.
Like Preternatura1 I am unmarried and I USED to think like her, I perceived my self in a certain class and thereby wouldn't be caught dead dating someone that didn't meet up. if my then boyfriend didn't meet up to standard, I would hide him from my friends, cos I didn't want to "fall my hand". I dated men whom I felt belonged within and above my social class, with their charming tongues, flashy cars, suave demeanours. Most of the time, I realized that they were either engaged, married, players, cheats, had very big egos or had little respect for me. Then I met my fiancé. He was different from the kind of man I would normally be seen with. I wasn't attracted t him at all. We met at his office so I had to be civil with him but that was far as I could take it, or so I thought. He changed me with his love. he had challenges with tenses, at first I couldn't bear it. me that won essay competitions, me that my colleagues call to proof read their e-mails before they send it, but then I began to correct him, he would send me a text with a wrongly spelt word, I would reply and correct the spelling, he would get it right the next time. the things I saw as issues initially became non issues like the issue of his bad breath, I went online for solutions and one day I bought him Euthymol toothpaste and a new brush without telling him why. a week later the bad breath disappeared. he is the kindest man I have ever met. he has taught me that you should be with a man that respects you, loves you, can share his 1 naira with you, has a relationship with God. He made me to start going to church , made me stop wearing revealing clothes, made me stop buying impulsively. I used to think cooking for a man was crap but now I see myself searching for new recipes every weekend. he has made a better person. We are saving up for our wedding later this year while working and praying towards better Jobs. So my dear Preternatura1 please look for the qualities that matter, does he keep to his word, do you trust him when he is alone? what is his relationship with God Like? does he respect women? is he willing to share his income even if you are not actively contributing? If I had left my man initially because of a perceived difference in social strata, I would still be bed hopping with guys that do not have my interests at heart. You could be lucky to find a man who is well to do and genuine without a trail of clingy exes but think through and through for the things that really matter. those people you are trying to impress with a sophisticated man will not be there to wipe snot off ur nose when ur sick, rub ur back when u hv cramps, make u a meal when ur too tired to make one, gossip with you, understand when u tell him u don't want to have s*x even when he wants to. experience has taught me that money and class will not give me all these, love, respect and kindness will.

Wow! Why do I feel weak after reading your post? This is just too powerful.

To answer your questions.

Yes he keeps his words and I trust him, I'm not worried about him and other women at all, he respects women but believes women shouldn't meddle in somethings, he thinks a woman must know how to cook, clean and should do it, I don't want to have babies the natural way and he says that's defying nature. I honestly don't know about him willing to share if I don't contribute, as that area is one I don't even bother myself about, because I believe I don't have to depend on him, he spends on the relationship and me however, just like I do too, money has never caused a misunderstanding between us. I'm just worried he may insist I start seeing/doing those things I mentioned his own way as he always says "no matter what, we are still Africans" and this is affecting how I feel about the relationship now that marriage is the next stop, I feel he's just letting me have my way now because we are not married yet.

Thank you, your post is very insightful, I will think it through.

Floodgater:
Sometimes people love the outside only to find that the inside that matters is nothing worthy, other times the outside may be less than expectation but great inside and sometimes the outside and inside meets the expectation. I had to go over your posts to be sure of your problem, i saw that you started on the wrong footing, you probably didnt set out for this, but you "used" the man to pass time. This is why it is said; dont get into a relationship with someone you cant marry. Imagine a guy accepted to date you for 3years with the mind of not really serious all these time you are fallen in love. The innocent bad is that you'v been jerked into reality and how serious what you were kidding with by the talk of marriage. If you had wanted anything serious with him, you would have seen he was not your calibre and not dated him or ended it earlier. I am not holding it against you because of your age, you may or may not regret ending up with this man. What you feel for him now is not enough to marry him and it may not be your fault, that a man is good is not a guarantee to be loved by any woman, that is why some good men's love are not returned for they were married out of pity or selfishness of not missing a good man. What is most important is the man that meet your standard of good and not the world's. However, the possible loopholes that may not exist though are your age/naivety, you have not open your heart to love him wholly. Sometimes when we get things not up to our taste, yet has pontentials, love for it may cause us to invest on it to desired taste and the end product is the energy that helps to this. To clear all doubt and possible future regret, tell him to give you 2-3months to think on the proposal, during this time ex-communicate and see if there is any feeling for him or of missing him, so that you can start it rightly but if non, then you clearly arent into him and its not your fault. But does he have this time to spare you?

Thank you, I think he can wait, he started talking marriage on my 24th birthday and if he's waited this long,i think 3 months won't kill him .

Thanks again.

[quote author=Onegai post=31345274]I will encourage you to break up with him.

Ehhhh you'll most likely regret it but at least you'll learn beautifully from the experience, lol.

oya shall I be frank? Please answer the following:
Is your dad/mum a lifetime member of Ikoyi club? If they Google your last name, does something pop up? Do your parents own real estate somewhere in UK (preferably St John's wood)? How many times have you or your family flown 1st class on BA? Where's the Riding school in Lagos located and when did any of your brothers start playing polo? Do you have tickets to MUSON concerts on standby? If you get married tomorrow, will you be assured of at least N1mil in gifts from your own family?

If no to all those answers, you are not a "butty" you are a mere Nigerian girl who has filled her mind with Instagram, Bella Naija and Linda Ikeji's vulgar excesses. And sweetie, all them posh boys, they don't marry middle class girls. So you better go give yourself lots of brain or just break up with what sounds like a man who cares about you (who isn't perfect).

Sorry if I sound harsh but the unrealistic and materialistic expectation I see in Naija society is irritating. Particularly when I watch men and women make life decisions based on it.

Now if you had told me "I don't like this or that in his character" that's great. That's important. But you are not that much further up the social ladder than he (most people attract and marry from their social class) and you feel you deserve Mr. Cream-Wannabe-Proposal-in-Dubai because you are wearing fine dresses and fixing "brazilian".

Just break up with him. Sigh


Lol , that's some tough love there but I honestly do appreciate as I really want to be sure of what I'm doing.

When I said he's not in the caliber of men I want, I don't necessarily mean in terms of riches, it's more about how he tends to see things most times, I did make mention of the fact that I find myself questioning his intelligence and how I think he isn't exposed enough, it's not all about money and I do honestly know that, he will be able to propose to me in dubai if that's what it'll take, as he travels well on business but still, I just think his mentality is still somehow. Let me give you examples.

I think kids shouldn't be flogged, he thinks otherwise, I like to tip always, he thinks it's me being wasteful, I can and actually prefer to eat out instead of cooking, he thinks that's just absurd(I can count how many times I saw my mum cook,we had people do it while I was growing up, most times my parents ate out),I pay someone to do house chores and that's something he doesn't understand, things like these is what I mean.

There won't be any need to write my family history or financial statements but believe me when I say,I'd be mad if I got gifts worth 1 million from them and he is the one going on about me being a "butty" btw.

Thank you very much however, for your contribution, you have indeed been very helpful. I will take sometime to think it .

babyosisi:
If it doesn't feel good now it may never

This is it then.

Thank you again.

babyosisi:
God is my witness,that is my story
That is why I say that I am an authority in MIL stuff
After I lost it,I totally lost it
She became on the defensive and I took over the offensive role
Called her a witch,accused her of coming with juju to scatter her own son's marriage
Those words hurt her a great deal I later found out but I had been hurt for 4 straight months and bore it

To make a long story short a year later,I reached out to her.
Called her and apologized
Yes I forgot my own hurt and did apologize to her ,many months after my husband asked me to
One day I decided to reach out to her and the shock,o boy
she responded with very very hurtful words and all I said was mama is that what you are saying?
Some of her kids including hubby got on her for that and others got mad at my hubby for telling their mom to apologise to me in fact one didn't speak with him for a year and didn't invite us to his wedding.
I continued to be nice to my mil and eventually won them all overc and I sincerely believe the way i handled all that endeared me to my hubby.
Me and mama are cool now and the rest of the family also thanks to counsel from my own mother too.
Mama now reports his son to me self lol

Wow! I'm just somewhat speechless. I mean how can someone just not like another person for no cogent reason? You are just too wise for one person, you should give me some of that wisdom. I honestly don't think I would have been able to handle such, I most likely would have packed out after a week of her trouble. I honestly don't like being stressed.

You tried, seriously.

Onegai:
I can relate. Being in a long-term relationship is hard work. But I will ask you to do something:

bone your feelings. forget that butterfly feeling. It's not important and means very little. Emotions cloud your judgement and that butterfly feeling is deceptive.

Good, so let's look at the man closely. I will ask you to do what one of my bros did:

make a list of what you want, who you are and what he is. Be honest, if after 3 yrs of dating, you can't write a fulscap about him, then there's an issue. Write down if you have changed (where you the malice-keeping type for example, have you stopped and if so, was he involved in the process). Write down what changed about him, were you involved. You really need to think.

Sometimes we get what we need not what we want. So you must evaluate if what he is, is something you like and want. Think of your happiness now, ask yourself "do I want to be 60 yrs old beside this man?"

I had a great guy whom I didn't really feel much for and turned him away. 3 yrs later, I regretted. Meanwhile all the guys I was dying of emotions for, now I can't even remember what they look like. So you have to think carefully. if after you write it down, you look and see that "this man isn't what I want", then let him know quickly, so you don't waste your time and his.

Now if you decide to stay, you need to spice things up. Newsflash: you can't spice things up you are constantly bored. Nigerians don't have hobbies except for visiting people, going to church and weddings. That's it. Lord knows what people talk about if their gen isn't working.

So, become an interesting person. My hubby and I reconciled because of one of my hobbies, Horticulture (flowers) and one of his hobbies, Wines. There's so much to do and see affordably self. Discover new places to visit together. Get yourself tea light candles, in fact that local long candle, cut it into smaller pieces for a cheaper update ! ), get bubble bath and On Friday night, turn off your light (if PHCN even gives you sef) run a bath and sit him and you in it. Yes your bath is small but you're naked inside water, no redblooded male will notice the bath size.
Take walks together and talk about your future. Start building behaviours that will help you during your marriage.

All the best. You have work to do.

Thank you a great deal.

The truth is that, we are not so alike, I do know that there are few things we like in common however.

He thinks I'm "too oyiboish/buttyish" and I sometimes think he is not exposed enough, I have tried to win him over to my side and to be truthful, somethings did change but I'm still not satisfied. I know it may sound silly adding such thing to the list of what I consider important in choosing a life partner but I've not been able to shake this feeling and believe me, it has been there for a long time, I just didn't know we'd get this far as this is a relationship I started when I still considered myself 'a girl experimenting', now marriage talks has come up and it's like I'm realizing, I've always wanted to end up with someone like myself.

I just don't want to lose a good man, so I'm wondering if something like this is too flimsy. Thank you for your time, I really appreciate.

babyosisi:
The day my mil landed in America I called all my friends to come welcome her,I got a cake and it had welcome to America on it
I cooked rice,baked chicken,made salad,bought drinks
We celebrated her arrival.
Next day Saturday I took her to a department store,bought her sweaters,blouses skirts and tights and shoes
I told her she was now in America,no more tying wrapper
I did for her exactly what I would do for my mom.
How did I get paid back ?
She complained about my soup
She complained about my stew
My sweet potatoes were too soggy
My soups had excess crayfish
My pounded yam was too soft
I could hardly do anything right
She complained I didn't greet her cheerfully
She complained my kids were not behaving well enough
I never ever responded to all these criticisms,I would talk to my hubby and he would be be mad at her
Then it got worse and worse
I would tell my mom and she asked me to just bear with her and not exchange any words with her
She bathed my son and he complained the water was to hot,I said politely,mama,come let me show you the temperature he is used to
I put water in the tub and wanted her to feel it,she flared up and said I was accusing her of wanting to kill her own grandson.
She started calling me names,there was nothing she didn't say
Reminded me she never liked me from day one
Said I was growing wings because I was brought to America ( not knowing that my own father bought my flight ticket and hubby refunded it later)
Surprisingly I still kept my cool and would tell my hubby all this in tears when he returned.
she didn't relent it got worse
I started staying in my bedroom and avoiding her
As soon as I came home bad greeted her,I sat in my bedroom.then she will ask why I was hiding and continue the insult.
She accused me of turning her son into my maid and having him vacuum the floor and do laundry,saying what a bad woman I was.i never responded.
I was afraid to come home daily,I didn't know what was waiting for me.4 good months I went through this
Then one day my daughter who was just 6 was speaking to her friend on the phone while I was away and mama was babysitting.while she laughed and giggled with her friend Kayla,mama took away the phone and slammed it.
My daughter got angry and wanted to retaliate and all she could do was pick up mama's bible and throw it under the bed where mama couldn't reach it.
I came home that day all hell broke lose,she sang those deriding songs about how God will deal with her enemies
Mama called my daughter a lunatic in my face and told me she knows the lunacy came from my side of the family not hers and she went on and on and I had had it at this point,because I could handle her insult to me but not to my mom and dad I love greatly.
I never knew I could get that angry
I walked up to her face and dared her to call my family mad again and see if she will live to tell the story
At that point anger had welled up within me,I packed up her bags and threw them outside in the apartment corridor,in fear she ran out immediately because she knew at that point I was extremely upset and she thought I would hit her.i didn't thank God.
I locked the door behind me so she stayed out in the corridor.

I picked up the phone called my husband at work and asked him to come home immediately if he wanted to see his mom alive
I told him if he didn't come in 20 minutes.he will be taking her corpse home.
Little did I know I was pregnant at the time
My husband rushed back home,yelled at his mother after I told him everything,the mother started crying
From that day on I said no more,mama must go home enough is enough,I can't be this miserable in my own home.b
Later on the table turned
Mother and son became a tag team and I was now the enemy
I couldn't stay with her any longer,I couldn't concentrate,I was so stressed,my face filled with pimples, I sang it daily like a song that she must leave.the situation in the house was tense
She eventually did go home and my husband who had supported me previously seen all the verbal and emotional abuse I went through suddenly saw me as the evil woman that sent his mother home.
We stopped communicating,he stopped eating anything I cooked,his family was upset he allowed his wife send their mom home.
For months we lived this way
I contacted a good Kenyan friend of mine who had an extra room in her house,went and saw the room ,told him I was leaving,packed my bags.
Called a cab and when the cab arrived and called me on the intercom,my hubby answered and told the cab we were no longer needing him,the cab left.
Then we started to work on mending things.
It took a lot of work .

For really real?

babyosisi:
You kiss,you have sex,you love each other,this is now 3 years,why hasn't he married you?
The man is 30, very ripe for marriage,what are you waiting for?
Could it be the guilt of living in sin and the uncertainty of what might happen in future that is putting a damper on your love?
Just maybe
I shared how my Oga and I had to run to the registry to get married before the trado sef because the guilt as a a christian was unbearable especially for me.
I had kept myself a while and met him and lost all inhibitions no matter how much I tried
I have a feeling this could be what is going on here
Think about it
I think it may just be time he put a serious ring or it or you go your separate ways if marriage is what you want

Yea we have sexx but it doesn't feel good for me anymore, neither does the kissing and for this reason, intimate activities have reduced or is even almost nonexistent.

We are not married yet because I'm not really ready, especially to marry him as I would like to be really sure before walking down the aisle with anyone, I brought this here because he is really on my case now, asking what I want for the relationship, saying he's noticed I'm not acting like someone who wants to get married.

It is not the guilt as I feel no guilt having consensual sexx with an adult I'm in a relationship with, my religion doesn't have issues with sexx outside marriage.

At first, I thought it was nothing or stress but the situation kind of gets worse with his constant talk of marriage, I just feel like, somehow, I'll be sorry if I marry him as I sometimes feel like, he is not really upto the caliber of man I want(I feel guilty typing that but I lack words to really say it better). I find myself sometimes questioning his intelligence. Am I just being immature?

Please don't be offended with my further questions, thanks a whole lot.

P.S He is my 2nd bf and I started dating him when I wasn't really interested in anything serious, didn't even know if I'll get married then.

thorpido:
Perhaps you have this 'Mills & Boon' syndrome.I met quite a number of ladies who had fantasies.
I really think the problem is that you both have not set a time for marriage.

Lol, I wouldn't call it that.

This is the lowest form of self-esteem issues at work.

She couldn't believe a handsome man is talking to her.

Thank you OP and the rest of the crew for the awesome job you are doing, you are indeed wonderful women.

Please, I'd be very honored and grateful if you can take out some time to help me out here.

The thing is that, I'm in a relationship of 3 years but I don't feel like I have feelings anymore, I feel nothing when we kiss let alone make love, I do love this man but I just don't feel that feeling you get, the butterfly kinda thing, this is someone I'm talking marriage with, I also can't shake the feeling that he's not really the one, I mean, he does what he can to make me happy and he is indeed a faithful man, I'm also faithful but it seems to me like I built a man in my head and he's not exactly up to what is in my head.

I do know that, if I marry him, it will make him the happiest man on earth, I want him to have that and I know he'll do his best to make me happy, but what about me? Will I ever be as happy as I'd love? Will the way I feel now pass?

I sometimes think of leaving but I feel so bad whenever the thought comes in, like I'm being ungrateful and mean, he hasn't really done anything wrong and doesn't deserve to be heartbroken, what should I do please?

I'm 25 btw and he's 30, we both work and it's pretty much 50/50 financially.