3cycle:
Is it ok to marry somone you don't love ? Sometimes you end a relationship with a guy and you just don't see yourself loving another same way even after few years have past.

I don't understand this,the two sentences don't gel,someone you don't love and someone you leave and never stopped loving

Is it possible to love in marriage?

I also don't get this
Do you mean loving your husband or loving someone else while married
Can you be more explicit

babyosisi:

I don't understand this,the two sentences don't gel,someone you don't love and someone you leave and never stopped loving




I also don't get this
D you mean loving your husband or loving someone else while married

Sorry for the confusion.
My que is, can you marry someone you don't love believing that the love will come later in marriage?

All I want to say is, there is a good man in every socioeconomic class (and also across different educational, intelligence and wit levels). It's not only men in lower classes that are good.

I don't sense that preternatural is a frivolous Brazilian weave type like the poster msstunner was.

If you're not feeling it after 3 years, it's time to move on instead of spending the next 10-20yrs waiting for the love to develop in marriage while wishing you had married someone else. You have already given it a fair chance.

3cycle:

Sorry for the confusion.
My que is, can you marry someone you don't love believing that the love will come later in marriage?

There are always exceptions to every rule but my simple answer is no
Anything you see in a man and overlook will quadruple in size in marriage (my theory)
So whatever you cannot handle now ,you are better off moving on
I have written here that there is absolutely no flaw about my husband that I didn't see at courtship
Any man you cannot confidently show to your friends and family as the one you love is most likely not the one for you
He doesn't have to be handsome,intelligent rich or tall
Anyhow he is go full your belle
That is the one

ileobatojo:
All I want to say is, there is a good man in every socioeconomic class. It's not only men in lower classes that are good.

I don't sense that preternatural is a frivolous Brazilian weave type like the poster msstunner was.

If you're not feeling it after 3 years, it's time to move on instead of spending the next 10-20yrs waiting for the love to develop in marriage while wishing you had married someone else. You have already given it a fair chance.

I agree
My question to the girl will always be
If while single you hear that the man is wedding next month,how will you feel ?
If the girl can sincerely say,I will be happy for him and not be sad,then she made the right decision but if she wishes she were the one or spends years comparing every man she meets to him,she obviously lost out on a gem

Intresting and quite educating

ileobatojo:
All I want to say is, there is a good man in every socioeconomic class (and also across different educational, intelligence and wit levels). It's not only men in lower classes that are good.
I don't sense that preternatural is a frivolous Brazilian weave type like the poster msstunner was.
If you're not feeling it after 3 years, it's time to move on instead of spending the next 10-20yrs waiting for the love to develop in marriage while wishing you had married someone else. You have already given it a fair chance.

very true, that theirs ended well does not mean all must end well, thus she shouldnt be guilt into accepting what she is not really into. The other side of the coin is what has not been loudly sounded. Someone told me of how she visited her school mother but had to cut short the visit cos of the happenings, school mum married a good man she never loved out of pity and selfishness, according to this girl, her school mother is nice to everbody but her hubby even after years and kids. She resents him, is easily irritated by him and scream at everything the man does. Schoolmum is not proud of herself though, infact she is a shadow of herself yet she still cant love him and the man is still very good to her. The girl could not endure the torture environment even though they were nice to her, she swore never to go back there. My only advice to pretenature is to be sure she gave her all without holding back so that there is no future regret, if she is not feeling him after this, it is ok, not her fault and shouldnt force it.

Floodgater:
very true, that theirs ended well does not mean all must end well, thus she shouldnt be guilt into accepting what she is not really into. The other side of the coin is what has not been loudly sounded. Someone told me of how she visited her school mother but had to cut short the visit cos of the happenings, school mum married a good man she never loved out of pity and selfishness, according to this girl, her school mother is nice to everbody but her hubby even after years and kids. She resents him, is easily irritated by him and scream at everything the man does. Schoolmum is not proud of herself though, infact she is a shadow of herself yet she still cant love him and the man is still very good to her. The girl could not endure the torture environment even though they were nice to her, she swore never to go back there. My only advice to pretenature is to be sure she gave her all without holding back so that there is no future regret, if she is not feeling him after this, it is ok, not her fault and shouldnt force it.

I also shared a story about a friend of mine who prayed for a suitor after men had stopped coming and married the next one that showed up after her prayers because she said it must have been God's will for her even though she had zero attraction towards the man.
Almost two decades later,she still feels the same way about him,no attraction whatsoever,just managing him
The man treats her very well by the way but she still grits her teeth when he touches her and she hates the part of the country he is from till today ,never ever imagined to marry someone from there.
Isn't that torture
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.it should feel good before saying I do

What I gather from mzstunner's post is that you can grow to love and appreciate the man while courting before marrying him
That should be ok then
But if you are unable to get past that at courtship,you shouldn't marry him to be on the safer side

Awwwww

So sweet. I wish you guys all the best.

I'm such a sucker for love stories
#teamhopelessromantic

MzStunner:
I have been following this thread from the beginning and some of the experiences are like answers to some situations I am facing or have faced. I want to thank you babyosisi, mutter, chaircover, madampinkolo, and all of you that have shared your stories, believe me, I have been refreshing this page for the past one week for updates.
Like Preternatura1 I am unmarried and I USED to think like her, I perceived my self in a certain class and thereby wouldn't be caught dead dating someone that didn't meet up. if my then boyfriend didn't meet up to standard, I would hide him from my friends, cos I didn't want to "fall my hand". I dated men whom I felt belonged within and above my social class, with their charming tongues, flashy cars, suave demeanours. Most of the time, I realized that they were either engaged, married, players, cheats, had very big egos or had little respect for me. Then I met my fiancé. He was different from the kind of man I would normally be seen with. I wasn't attracted t him at all. We met at his office so I had to be civil with him but that was far as I could take it, or so I thought. He changed me with his love. he had challenges with tenses, at first I couldn't bear it. me that won essay competitions, me that my colleagues call to proof read their e-mails before they send it, but then I began to correct him, he would send me a text with a wrongly spelt word, I would reply and correct the spelling, he would get it right the next time. the things I saw as issues initially became non issues like the issue of his bad breath, I went online for solutions and one day I bought him Euthymol toothpaste and a new brush without telling him why. a week later the bad breath disappeared. he is the kindest man I have ever met. he has taught me that you should be with a man that respects you, loves you, can share his 1 naira with you, has a relationship with God. He made me to start going to church , made me stop wearing revealing clothes, made me stop buying impulsively. I used to think cooking for a man was crap but now I see myself searching for new recipes every weekend. he has made a better person. We are saving up for our wedding later this year while working and praying towards better Jobs. So my dear Preternatura1 please look for the qualities that matter, does he keep to his word, do you trust him when he is alone? what is his relationship with God Like? does he respect women? is he willing to share his income even if you are not actively contributing? If I had left my man initially because of a perceived difference in social strata, I would still be bed hopping with guys that do not have my interests at heart. You could be lucky to find a man who is well to do and genuine without a trail of clingy exes but think through and through for the things that really matter. those people you are trying to impress with a sophisticated man will not be there to wipe snot off ur nose when ur sick, rub ur back when u hv cramps, make u a meal when ur too tired to make one, gossip with you, understand when u tell him u don't want to have s*x even when he wants to. experience has taught me that money and class will not give me all these, love, respect and kindness will.

3cycle:

Sorry for the confusion.
My que is, can you marry someone you don't love believing that the love will come later in marriage?

The thing is to love is a woman's thing, a woman can actually love anything if she opens her heart, that is why hearts are easily broken or a beauty ending up with a beast. The principal thing is for a woman to know what she wants to open her heart to love. Love and friendship is what is needed for marriage because sometimes one sustains during rough times more than the other. Hence it is advice to open your heart to love a friend not just anybody although not all friends can be loved in sexual wise. Now you would have notice that you just dont flow with certain people no matter what not because they are bad, with these kinds you dont pray or hope to fall inlove as it will only cause damage...this is what i want preternature to be sure of before quiting. So 3cycle, when a woman does not love a man, she should find and correct it before marriage to be safer. Is it because it is not up to taste but can be upgraded like mzstunner's, is it a bad irredeemable trait, is it something that is not totally bad but you know you cant get past it now or prolly in future like Osisi's case or you just dont flow regardless of how good/bad the man is. The first case is the only one i subscribe to and the change must be done before marriage, if time does not permit its completion, there must be tangible result before and assurance of continuity after marriage. The difference between you and those whose love grew after marriage is that they didnt know what you know now, so towing their path may end you where they are or the unlucky group making it better to err on caution's side. Mzstunner is applauded all over but i hope it is also seen that she corrected and fell inlove before marriage.

babyosisi:


I also shared a story about a friend of mine who prayed for a suitor after men had stopped coming and married the next one that showed up after her prayers because she said it must have been God's will for her even though she had zero attraction towards the man.
Almost two decades later,she still feels the same way about him,no attraction whatsoever,just managing him
The man treats her very well by the way but she still grits her teeth when he touches her and she hates the part of the country he is from till today ,never ever imagined to marry someone from there.
Isn't that torture
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.it should feel good before saying I do

What I gather from mzstunner's post is that you can grow to love and appreciate the man while courting before marrying him
That should be ok then
But if you are unable to get past that at courtship,you shouldn't marry him to be on the safer side

Sometimes you just dont flow with some people, it doesnt make you or them bad.

3cycle:

Sorry for the confusion.
My que is, can you marry someone you don't love believing that the love will come later in marriage?

Personaly I will say its not a good idea to marry someone one doesnt love at all.
What if you never end up loving him?
he will be working hard to make you happy, but you wont apreciate it or feel him
That means that you would have both been robbed of some happiness in your lives.

There has to be some attraction
There will be dark days and its the love, atttaction and friendship that will keep you going until the relationship reboots itself and you start moving again.

On the other hand, love alone does not sustain a marriage . . Love wont feed a hungry tummy, put food on the table or satisfy sexual urges

I think a lot of ingredients go into marriage and then we fine tune how much pepper, sugar or maggi we put in according to taste.

3cycle:
Is it ok to marry somone you don't love ? Sometimes you end a relationship with a guy and you just don't see yourself loving another same way even after few years have past.

Is it possible to love in marriage?

He may not be a man that sweeps you off your feet like it is for some but the warmth and some fondness should be there.
I believe in God's will but I also believe the will comes with a 'lovableness'.God can't just give you what will not trip you afteral.The bible says His gifts are good and perfect.

If you really don't feel him even after spending some time together,then it's better to quit.
There are quite a no of women just managing who they married.It's not worth the torture.

babyosisi:


The saddest part is that some of these MILs were just in the shoes of the DILs some years back meaning that some of us reading this will grow up to be one of these MILs
God help us
I already told myself that I will do my own omugwo from a hotel room when the time comes and any signs of issues I will hop into the rental car and head to the airport.

LOL
Na true o!
By then, there will be robots and Apps who can bath and feed baby . . .no need for Omugwo sef
No need to be there opening pot of soup and monitoring how big the DIL cuts meat and and watching kanayo o Kanayo all day long while baby sleeps

Floodgater:
The thing is to love is a woman's thing, a woman can actually love anything if she opens her heart, that is why hearts are easily broken or a beauty ending up with a beast. The principal thing is for a woman to know what she wants to open her heart to love. Love and friendship is what is needed for marriage because sometimes one sustains during rough times more than the other. Hence it is advice to open your heart to love a friend not just anybody although not all friends can be loved in sexual wise. Now you would have notice that you just dont flow with certain people no matter what not because they are bad, with these kinds you dont pray or hope to fall inlove as it will only cause damage...this is what i want preternature to be sure of before quiting. So 3cycle, when a woman does not love a man, she should find and correct it before marriage to be safer. Is it because it is not up to taste but can be upgraded like mzstunner's, is it a bad irredeemable trait, is it something that is not totally bad but you know you cant get past it now or prolly in future like Osisi's case or you just dont flow regardless of how good/bad the man is. The first case is the only one i subscribe to and the change must be done before marriage, if time does not permit its completion, there must be tangible result before and assurance of continuity after marriage. The difference between you and those whose love grew after marriage is that they didnt know what you know now, so towing their path may end you where they are or the unlucky group making it better to err on caution's side. Mzstunner is applauded all over but i hope it is also seen that she corrected and fell inlove before marriage.

So, so spot on! (really everything is spot on, not just the bolded)

In addition, mzstunner also has a guy that's receptive to change and willing to, just as she has changed too.

[quote author=Onegai post=31345274]

I will encourage you to break up with him.

Ehhhh you'll most likely regret it but at least you'll learn beautifully from the experience, lol.

oya shall I be frank? Please answer the following:
Is your dad/mum a lifetime member of Ikoyi club? If they Google your last name, does something pop up? Do your parents own real estate somewhere in UK (preferably St John's wood)? How many times have you or your family flown 1st class on BA? Where's the Riding school in Lagos located and when did any of your brothers start playing polo? Do you have tickets to MUSON concerts on standby? If you get married tomorrow, will you be assured of at least N1mil in gifts from your own family?

If no to all those answers, you are not a "butty" you are a mere Nigerian girl who has filled her mind with Instagram, Bella Naija and Linda Ikeji's vulgar excesses. And sweetie, all them posh boys, they don't marry middle class girls. So you better go give yourself lots of brain or just break up with what sounds like a man who cares about you (who isn't perfect).

Sorry if I sound harsh but the unrealistic and materialistic expectation I see in Naija society is irritating. Particularly when I watch men and women make life decisions based on it.

Now if you had told me "I don't like this or that in his character" that's great. That's important. But you are not that much further up the social ladder than he (most people attract and marry from their social class) and you feel you deserve Mr. Cream-Wannabe-Proposal-in-Dubai because you are wearing fine dresses and fixing "brazilian".

Just break up with him. Sigh


Lol , that's some tough love there but I honestly do appreciate as I really want to be sure of what I'm doing.

When I said he's not in the caliber of men I want, I don't necessarily mean in terms of riches, it's more about how he tends to see things most times, I did make mention of the fact that I find myself questioning his intelligence and how I think he isn't exposed enough, it's not all about money and I do honestly know that, he will be able to propose to me in dubai if that's what it'll take, as he travels well on business but still, I just think his mentality is still somehow. Let me give you examples.

I think kids shouldn't be flogged, he thinks otherwise, I like to tip always, he thinks it's me being wasteful, I can and actually prefer to eat out instead of cooking, he thinks that's just absurd(I can count how many times I saw my mum cook,we had people do it while I was growing up, most times my parents ate out),I pay someone to do house chores and that's something he doesn't understand, things like these is what I mean.

There won't be any need to write my family history or financial statements but believe me when I say,I'd be mad if I got gifts worth 1 million from them and he is the one going on about me being a "butty" btw.

Thank you very much however, for your contribution, you have indeed been very helpful. I will take sometime to think it .

Floodgater:
Sometimes people love the outside only to find that the inside that matters is nothing worthy, other times the outside may be less than expectation but great inside and sometimes the outside and inside meets the expectation. I had to go over your posts to be sure of your problem, i saw that you started on the wrong footing, you probably didnt set out for this, but you "used" the man to pass time. This is why it is said; dont get into a relationship with someone you cant marry. Imagine a guy accepted to date you for 3years with the mind of not really serious all these time you are fallen in love. The innocent bad is that you'v been jerked into reality and how serious what you were kidding with by the talk of marriage. If you had wanted anything serious with him, you would have seen he was not your calibre and not dated him or ended it earlier. I am not holding it against you because of your age, you may or may not regret ending up with this man. What you feel for him now is not enough to marry him and it may not be your fault, that a man is good is not a guarantee to be loved by any woman, that is why some good men's love are not returned for they were married out of pity or selfishness of not missing a good man. What is most important is the man that meet your standard of good and not the world's. However, the possible loopholes that may not exist though are your age/naivety, you have not open your heart to love him wholly. Sometimes when we get things not up to our taste, yet has pontentials, love for it may cause us to invest on it to desired taste and the end product is the energy that helps to this. To clear all doubt and possible future regret, tell him to give you 2-3months to think on the proposal, during this time ex-communicate and see if there is any feeling for him or of missing him, so that you can start it rightly but if non, then you clearly arent into him and its not your fault. But does he have this time to spare you?

Thank you, I think he can wait, he started talking marriage on my 24th birthday and if he's waited this long,i think 3 months won't kill him .

Thanks again.

MzStunner:
I have been following this thread from the beginning and some of the experiences are like answers to some situations I am facing or have faced. I want to thank you babyosisi, mutter, chaircover, madampinkolo, and all of you that have shared your stories, believe me, I have been refreshing this page for the past one week for updates.
Like Preternatura1 I am unmarried and I USED to think like her, I perceived my self in a certain class and thereby wouldn't be caught dead dating someone that didn't meet up. if my then boyfriend didn't meet up to standard, I would hide him from my friends, cos I didn't want to "fall my hand". I dated men whom I felt belonged within and above my social class, with their charming tongues, flashy cars, suave demeanours. Most of the time, I realized that they were either engaged, married, players, cheats, had very big egos or had little respect for me. Then I met my fiancé. He was different from the kind of man I would normally be seen with. I wasn't attracted t him at all. We met at his office so I had to be civil with him but that was far as I could take it, or so I thought. He changed me with his love. he had challenges with tenses, at first I couldn't bear it. me that won essay competitions, me that my colleagues call to proof read their e-mails before they send it, but then I began to correct him, he would send me a text with a wrongly spelt word, I would reply and correct the spelling, he would get it right the next time. the things I saw as issues initially became non issues like the issue of his bad breath, I went online for solutions and one day I bought him Euthymol toothpaste and a new brush without telling him why. a week later the bad breath disappeared. he is the kindest man I have ever met. he has taught me that you should be with a man that respects you, loves you, can share his 1 naira with you, has a relationship with God. He made me to start going to church , made me stop wearing revealing clothes, made me stop buying impulsively. I used to think cooking for a man was crap but now I see myself searching for new recipes every weekend. he has made a better person. We are saving up for our wedding later this year while working and praying towards better Jobs. So my dear Preternatura1 please look for the qualities that matter, does he keep to his word, do you trust him when he is alone? what is his relationship with God Like? does he respect women? is he willing to share his income even if you are not actively contributing? If I had left my man initially because of a perceived difference in social strata, I would still be bed hopping with guys that do not have my interests at heart. You could be lucky to find a man who is well to do and genuine without a trail of clingy exes but think through and through for the things that really matter. those people you are trying to impress with a sophisticated man will not be there to wipe snot off ur nose when ur sick, rub ur back when u hv cramps, make u a meal when ur too tired to make one, gossip with you, understand when u tell him u don't want to have s*x even when he wants to. experience has taught me that money and class will not give me all these, love, respect and kindness will.

Wow! Why do I feel weak after reading your post? This is just too powerful.

To answer your questions.

Yes he keeps his words and I trust him, I'm not worried about him and other women at all, he respects women but believes women shouldn't meddle in somethings, he thinks a woman must know how to cook, clean and should do it, I don't want to have babies the natural way and he says that's defying nature. I honestly don't know about him willing to share if I don't contribute, as that area is one I don't even bother myself about, because I believe I don't have to depend on him, he spends on the relationship and me however, just like I do too, money has never caused a misunderstanding between us. I'm just worried he may insist I start seeing/doing those things I mentioned his own way as he always says "no matter what, we are still Africans" and this is affecting how I feel about the relationship now that marriage is the next stop, I feel he's just letting me have my way now because we are not married yet.

Thank you, your post is very insightful, I will think it through.

Thank you everyone who has contributed as regards my issue, I sincerely feel honored that you all can take out time out of your busy lives to address the matter.

Merci beaucoup.

Preternatura1:
Thank you, I think he can wait, he started talking marriage on my 24th birthday and if he's waited this long,i think 3 months won't kill him .
Thanks again.

You are welcome. Now that you opened up more, i can see part of the naivety slack i cut you earlier. You know that this man really loves you, the average naija man with his average mentality would have written you off as no wife material but you are the one making "shakara". Both of you reason the way you do because of your background which doesnt make either totally wrong, the key thing is compromise. The good thing is he seem wholly in love, use it to your advantage. Know that it may not always be exactly how you want it to be all the time, same with him. Teach him to see from your view as you work on yourself to reason from his end too. Do you know the traits from you both can greatly complement and strengthen each other. I dont want to imagine how your children will be if you get a man that does not flog, dont cook or do chores in this naija not leaving out the possibility of him not loving you like this man. As you break, read books on marriage and how men handle issues so that you can mature more and teach him even as you learn from him. Do you know the best type of marriage is the one the man loves the woman without any reservation or mentality of i am the man and a woman must be a woman, thus not know everything about me. Provided he is willing to compromise, you too compromise. And please add a bit of respect and value to him and all he has done for you, i think it can go a long way.

Lovely thread. Been on it for days now ant its worst it.

Of a truth, most times what we so desire and love might not be the best for us @ the later end of life.

I am a living witness, though not married but ve had some terrible experiences with Love. Just came out of a rship of about 5yrs. Twas ffull of tears 70% and 30% joy, did unthinkable things, was putting in all I could think just to make it work, risked my life countless time just to have a happy ending.
I never had any ptob with the relatives, never depended on him for my daily needs cos I could take care of myself instead I was even giving him cash. It was glaring I loved him more, I saw the signs that he was cheating, I still did not leave him. All of a sudden, he got a better job and remembered h is first love that left for over 8yrs cos he could not provide for her. Anyway the real cheating started, caught him red handed and that was the beginning of our prob.
I thought I could not live without him but little did I know that it was prayer answered. Its been months but I am a better and happy person. I know someday soonest I would find love and my god given uhband that would treat me like a queen.

Of a truth, love alone is not enough, no be by being a fine boy. If I had stubbornly continued, it would ve been a home of managing his flaws, paying the billls of the house, not loved full of misery and patching.

I see men and marriage in three groups. The first group are those who go into marriage baring all their cards without reservations, they love totally. The second are first concerned about their masculity, they always assert their headship, they dont believe in loving a woman 100%, they hold some back that is why they keep secrets from their wifes. This group is the average husband, he would rather seek and prefare friends opinion to that of his wife. What he doesnt know is that he is hindering the full potential of his wife's love. He doesnt really need all that attitude for a woman that love him. The last group marry because people get married. Every womans dream is the first group, trully they are the best but few. Still most women dont prepare their sons to be in the first group. I notice that most men learn what it means to be married from friends and sustain it with friends opinions. Women please prepare your sons so that your daughters whom most times you prepared can meet a prepared man.

Oh my...this thread has really gone far since I last logged in.

Oya lemme play catch up...

babyosisi:


Nne eh
That is why I keep hammering the same thing
Date these men and weed out the psychos amongst them before this stage
Imagine
He won't buy a washing machine and won't allow her to buy one
What nonsense
A man finding issues where there is none

Absolutely ridiculous.

I'm actually at a loss for words here.

nannymcphee:


Good question!! It would have ended bad for my father & us the kids

My point being it worked out for us & for some other it won't.. My point being if you give up just because it doesn't fit the norm, you might loose out

I don't think this "worked" out.

Sometimes, the smart thing to do is to count your losses and move on, especially when lives are at risk. What you're advocating here is tolerance of domestic violence and that is so wrong. On every level.

nannymcphee:
I was dumbfounded when I read about ladies who got infected with HIV by their husbands, these women probably followed the norm & ended up infected but I also believe they would have also done some things to prevent such(like mandatory test or the use of condom)

I know there are exceptions but most times ladies do know when their husbands are cheating but they choose to turn a blind eye, infact before the wedding they always knew but felt they could manage or change him

What exactly are you driving at here?

Having a cheating spouse is just as bad as one who's inclined towards violence. The end results are always the same. Death.

nannymcphee:
so if you are married to a cheat, kindly discuss with him & give him conditions such as the tests & conforms etc cos its only God that can make a cheat turn around or a man with strong principles & convictions

No amount of war will make him change, you will end up pushing him out the more, so it pays to knows your spouses inclination before marriage, most men don't hide it, there are statements they make that will give u a hint

It's better to run for the hills without looking back if the partner you're dating is a chronic cheat and can't keep it between their legs, rather than go ahead with marrying them only to "kindly discuss and give conditions". What sort of conditions?

Infact in such an instance, I wouldn't even blame the cheating guy if he was open about his indiscretions right from the beginning. You can't fault him for being truthful. The fault would lie solely with any such woman who despite knowing this, decides to go an and marry him, in the vain hope that he will change.

babyosisi:


Right now I want to go buy some new boots for the cold weather because I am traveling to a cooler area in a few
So if I mentioned it and my husband said said no don't buy it yet,I am expected to do what exactly
Cry and buy red panties and do my nails and chip them or get frost bitten sef and cry about it so that he allows me use my own hard earned money to buy shoes for my own feet?
Thank God I didn't marry a man that petty

Lol!

Now this puts it all in perspective!

Madampinkolo:
@MarvelousGod,thank you.Believe me when I say i'm the one who is lucky to have him.

Preternatura1,
Please permit me to address you..
While he's a good guy,he may not be right for you still.What strikes your fancy may be totally different from what gets me going.In every long term se xual relationship,things may dull after a while and it would take more effort to reach those levels of excitement that were reached at one minute in those days.
I've looked at your reasons and though they are not very tangible to me,they are very serious to you and i respect that.It's now left for you to decide.What is it he finds oyiboish about you?Do you consider him to be a bush man?Is it that his dressing is not up to par?Or is it a string of bad english (I is coming,i am spoking to you sort of thing?).There's no point being with someone you are ashamed of.It will weigh the relationship down.I normally prefer people to marry within or above their 'percieved' class to avoid he's not posh enough for me tales.

By exposure,what do you mean?He hasn't seen the world?He grew up in the village?He doesn't know how to drink from a champagne glass or hold cutlery?He doesn't know how to swish the wine in his mouth first before swallowing?

Why i'm asking is that most of these things can be remedied,they are fixable.If it's an issue for you that it hasn't been ingrained from childhood,it's fine.You are the one the shoe is pinching.

However,in the greater scheme of things and as you get older,you may find that these things don't really matter.Posh won't pay the bills,posh won't help around the house,exposure won't hold you and kiss you at night,exposure won't buy you flowers just because...
It's a good,kind reliable loving man who will.
I believe that you will find a man suited to your taste though. Nothing wrong in what you want,just make sure your priorities are in order.

My DH as he was then many people would have rejected.Strong non handsome face,just that general strong look.Then he had an accident that caused one of his legs to be about half an inch shorter than the other and a spine that's damaged to some extent.Now with this picture i presented,the first thought is to tear race abi? . I didn't.He has kind eyes,and such beautiful hands.I fell in love with his character and his hands.They are beautiful,i just don't know how to explain it.
Yea,upon his slight disability he smoked and drank o.I said i wouldn't marry a smoker,he quit.For over 5 years now,he hasn't smoked and he detests smoking.We share a beer or wine at home,he doesn't do the toxic every evening beer again.
My point is that it pays sometimes to look beyond what's infront of you.You may be shocked at the potential a not so 'hot' person has inside.I have noticed that people who are not so aesthetically pleasing to the eyes, work harder on their personality and refine their character(my opinion).
DH too had etiquette issues,not a power dresser etc.All it takes is a youtube video and practice.Enter a shop with crisp beautiful shirts and trousers and start dressing him up to your taste.Spend hours scouring magazines on men's fashion to find colour combinations?
You can be whatever you want to be with hardwork,team effort and determination.
Please make sure that if/when you leave him,you'll be 100% regret free even if you see a picture of him on a yatch.


NB. I can afford to be a tyrant with crazy opinions & get away with doing many things because of the temperament of the man i'm married to.So,no one should really listen to me abeg.

.

You are a very funny woman, I love your sense of humor.

No, his english is not bad but his accent isn't all that(i do know that I don't particularly speak english language like a briton would, yet somehow, people don't usually believe I was mostly bred in Nigeria) and I don't have much problem with this, I just kinda want my kids to not speak like him, he sometimes pick offense, when I try to correct him.

His Dressing is very much okay now, he listens to my advice on this some times but I'd like him to spend more on what he wears, he kinda complains about me spending "too much" money on stuffs,and doesn't see why I should buy label brand when I can get it somewhere cheaper, this doesn't really cause any problems as the money I spend is mine, I only take gifts from him

In the early stage of our relationship, I told him to stop buying things for me because I didn't really like the kinda things he bought, overtime he stepped up, but I feel he won't really continue this way after marriage now, having read most of the stories on how marriage changes people.

His Primary and secondary education was in the village, he was offered admission into college and moved to the city where he has remained. He knows how to drink from a champagne glass and his cutlery etiquette is okay but he would rather eat with only a spoon than with a fork/knife which is not really a problem for me, but what about my kids?

He travels but its usually for business and he doesn't stay long when he does.

It's not like I'm ashamed of him but I wouldn't like a situation where my family or friends will be asking why he needs to fill the glass to the brim or why he doesn't chew with his mouth closed, the first time he was in my house(dad's birthday), my niece asked him to please be quiet(he was on the phone laughing) because she was watching her show, he didn't find it funny, said the kid is spoilt and wouldn't take it lightly if his child did something like that, I tried to make him understand that it's not the way he saw it but he wouldn't take it. If I hadn't intervened when I noticed what happened, he probably would have scolded her and that wouldn't have ended well.

I met him on a plane, he was sitting next to me, he kept me company and somehow we ended up lovers.

I don't consider myself a vain or shallow person, I just don't want to encounter too much problems in my marriage.

My family doesn't know he's talking marriage as I've not told them, if I do and tell them my reservations, they'd mostly ask me to call it quits especially if I tell my sisters or mum his stand on the things I buy, that's mostly why I brought it here to get unbiased opinions.

He took me to meet his mum, she asked me to cook oha soup and I told her I don't know how to, she was shocked but he covered for me, she also had a problem with my gown(though he asked me to change before we left but I refused), I just want to make the right choice. To be honest, I just started feeling different ever since he started talking marriage seriously, I really want to do it right, before the talks started, I didn't even know if I wanted to get married.

Floodgater:
I see men and marriage in three groups. The first group are those who go into marriage baring all their cards without reservations, they love totally. The second are first concerned about their masculity, they always assert their headship, they dont believe in loving a woman 100%, they hold some back that is why they keep secrets from their wifes. This group is the average husband, he would rather seek and prefare friends opinion to that of his wife. What he doesnt know is that he is hindering the full potential of his wife's love. He doesnt really need all that attitude for a woman that love him. The last group marry because people get married. Every womans dream is the first group, trully they are the best but few. Still most women dont prepare their sons to be in the first group. I notice that most men learn what it means to be married from friends and sustain it with friends opinions. Women please prepare your sons so that your daughters whom most times you prepared can meet a prepared man.

God bless you!

It is not just women alone... the church, the mosque, the shrine, prepare your sons for marriage!

Do you know in my church currently, There is no men's seminar

They teach and teach women and still wonder How the marriage does not work.

I Don't waste my time with such meetings anyways

Good marriage books refer to the couple or have different volumes for the couple.

babyosisi:


The saddest part is that some of these MILs were just in the shoes of the DILs some years back meaning that some of us reading this will grow up to be one of these MILs
God help us
I already told myself that I will do my own omugwo from a hotel room when the time comes and any signs of issues I will hop into the rental car and head to the airport.

Trust me, If you are busy or with oga, you will not have time for those stuffs.

I cannot imagine checking If DIL greeted with her two knees or If she called my son by his first name or last.

It is not just me.

I can't cope? Pack myself back home

chaircover:


There are over 50 pages on this thread
Some posts will speak to the men, some will speak to the women & some will speak to both sexes
We all have different styles.
I choose to speak to women because that is where my experience lies.
My hubby will be in a better position to speak to men.
Most of the marriage seminars Ive attended there are 2 speakers . .a male and a female. Both speak from different points of views and experiences.
My last sentence on my long post that you quoted sums up my overall thoughts on the matter. it does take 2

Everyone should do the right thing ie respect, communicate and treat the other person as they will like to be treated and things should fall into place.

I did not say you should do a separate post on men...

Address your original post to them. It is beautiful as it is and would serve the purpose.

Chinum:
Speaks wrong grammar;
The one responsible for the whole family;
Does not have a savings account;
Somewhat people pleasing;
Future goals are not that convincing;


These and a few others are the reasons I decided to call it off. Did I do the right thing?

Cc; Babyosisis, Chaircover, Bukatyne, et al.

U guys are saving lives. May you not lack in your areas of need. Amen.

Sorry for my late response

Other posters have attended to your post greatly

Thanks

Onegai:


I can relate. Being in a long-term relationship is hard work. But I will ask you to do something:

bone your feelings. forget that butterfly feeling. It's not important and means very little. Emotions cloud your judgement and that butterfly feeling is deceptive.

Good, so let's look at the man closely. I will ask you to do what one of my bros did:

make a list of what you want, who you are and what he is. Be honest, if after 3 yrs of dating, you can't write a fulscap about him, then there's an issue. Write down if you have changed (where you the malice-keeping type for example, have you stopped and if so, was he involved in the process). Write down what changed about him, were you involved. You really need to think.

Sometimes we get what we need not what we want. So you must evaluate if what he is, is something you like and want. Think of your happiness now, ask yourself "do I want to be 60 yrs old beside this man?"

I had a great guy whom I didn't really feel much for and turned him away. 3 yrs later, I regretted. Meanwhile all the guys I was dying of emotions for, now I can't even remember what they look like. So you have to think carefully. if after you write it down, you look and see that "this man isn't what I want", then let him know quickly, so you don't waste your time and his.

Now if you decide to stay, you need to spice things up. Newsflash: you can't spice things up you are constantly bored. Nigerians don't have hobbies except for visiting people, going to church and weddings. That's it. Lord knows what people talk about if their gen isn't working.

So, become an interesting person. My hubby and I reconciled because of one of my hobbies, Horticulture (flowers) and one of his hobbies, Wines. There's so much to do and see affordably self. Discover new places to visit together. Get yourself tea light candles, in fact that local long candle, cut it into smaller pieces for a cheaper update ! ), get bubble bath and On Friday night, turn off your light (if PHCN even gives you sef) run a bath and sit him and you in it. Yes your bath is small but you're naked inside water, no redblooded male will notice the bath size.
Take walks together and talk about your future. Start building behaviours that will help you during your marriage.

All the best. You have work to do.

I love this.

The bolded got me laughing though...