₦airaland Forum

chaircover:
Our culture is not ready for that yet I dont think
Marriage is as inportnant as brushing teeth
ive worked with 3 people who deliberatly dont have kids
If a couple wakes up one morning and says that in Naija the parents will be binding and loosing at MFM
But on a serious note, some people dont have the emotional capacity to be married.
In this case, I dont think that this lady is not marriagble, its just that she is looking for the wrong type of husband and in the wrong way.

Hmmm, I really feel sad for her. People should not let culture or society decide how they'd live their lives, it's not like culture pays their bills, it would be a different thing was this woman in love with the guy. I have a first cousin, once removed, who isn't married and is quite happy with her life, your life is yours to live and you only get to do it once.

nannymcphee:
Just asking dearie, to the typical Nigerian family, you won't be a good wife, lazy bla bla bla (it's almost assumed that since you are this young & single, you don't do house chores, what then will you be able to do in your matrimonial home)

so make sure your fiancée doesn't have that typical Nigerian mentality & if he doesn't, then ensure he can protect you from inlaws.

This ain't Yankee, we don't marry in isolation here!! How many folks(resident in nigeria) have you read here who completely cut off from their inlaws

Okay, thank you very much.

nannymcphee:
Pls I want to get something straight, you are a single lady who lives alone & you reside in Nigeria & you have a maid. Am I correct?

pls what's ur age range?

Yes, I'll be 25 in April.

Why?

Kizmarty:

You're still saying it.

There are right ways to do things.

Except the child wasn't taught to ASK.

Oh! I didn't think about that, the word "steal" caught me off guard.

I just think using the word "steal" is too much, why not just use "take" instead?

I'd like to think that for someone to steal something, they would have to hide to do that and I can't put ice cream on the list of things a child would steal.

Kizmarty:
People like you will agree "STEALING IS NOT CORRUPTION"

No that's not it, I just don't get why a kid would need to "steal" ice cream in his own home, he probably just wanted some and decided to help himself.

Someone, especially a celebrity won't just tell you their names in an event like that but supposing they do, what can I do than just say it was a wrong number, apologize and hang up? Well, unless it's Jolie or Michael Buble, then I'd ask if they can stay on the phone for a little longer while I ask them what I want to.

Some weird comments on here.

Why would anyone beat a kid for wanting some ice cream? That's just crazy.

Your kid shouldn't have to steal anything from you, I'd be mad if I find out he was going to take something he shouldn't, behind my back.

What can a kid possibly steal from a refrigerator? If I find him in this position I'd make sure he's not hurt and have him cleaned up.

Sounds like something a prostitute would say, only prostitutes get paid for sex.

Come to think of it, I don't think everyone is meant to get married, why don't some of these women that end up getting used like the lady in this story get that? I know lots of ladies that aren't freaked by marriage, they lead their lives to the fullest, isn't it better to be single and remain happy than married and miserable?

chaircover:
I forgot to mention that these 3 kids I saw at the embassy had full Nigerian Names & they were there for their Nigerian Passport
No Beyonce or Kanye in their names

Then some girl in Nigeria will open her legs thinking she is the "real wife"
She only just gave the guy free sex fr 2 weeks
Cheaper and safer for him than an obalende ashewo.
I do feel sorry for thr girls though. I really do. They are just being used.

This is just sad, so she'd have to just basically be "the other woman"

emeraldoe:
my dear, I didn't cook for once in my parents house until after I got married. I learnt how to cook wen I got to d higher institution( thanks to my room mates) and overtime I became an expert. When I started dating my husband, he looks for an excuse for me not to cook in his parents house so his mum won't see my flaws. He even taught me how to cook different types of soup. Babe, u av to learn even if u av lots of cooks and maids. Im fulfilled weneva his friends come over and eat without leaving remnants on d plate and even ask for more it shows i've improved a great deal. Though it wasn't easy at all. At d early stage, I cook soup only wen my husband is at home so he can put me tru and he really encouraged me. Even if it's tasteless dat I can't eat it well, he'll eat it with so much joy. But now, trust me, he calls an hour b4 he closes so I can set d table

You make cooking sound so fun, I won't lie, sometimes I get frustrated, I started respecting my girl more the day I made okra for the first time, I had never eaten it till that day, the kitchen was messed up, he said it would be better if I did everything on my own with him there guiding me ofcourse, it wasn't funny at all but he scored me 70/100.

Thank you for your input, i'll continue to learn. I wish I discovered this site earlier than I did, though I was a guest for a while till I encountered this thread and decided to register, I like it here, too many great people.

lilmax:
what could be the story behind married women in clubs? thats my question

A club is a place to unwind, is there some rule about married women not going there?

lilmax:
which story? Will you say the same thing if men were involved?

I don't seem to get your argument, am is supposed to judge Nigerian men based on the actions of a few? I do hear people generalize but that's not something I do.

Yea, wedding bands also come in silver.

Onegai:
My dear I'm not angry with anyone. I was speaking to every young woman out there, reading this, I'm sure I mentioned it.

Oh okay, my bad.

That sounds like an ignorant thing to say, you don't judge people based on the actions of some other persons. Do you know the story with all the women you met/saw at the club? What's wrong with a woman smoking besides the health risks involved? If they know this and still insist on smoking, then that's their prerogative.

You just wait for her to come home and then talk about it, except the girl was kidnapped, though I don't get what you mean by "man" is that like a teenager dating an older guy or something?

Hi Ms onegai, it's nice to read from you again.

Please understand that I'm in no way advocating that women don't cook, that's not it at all.

You see, there have been days I wished I know how to cook whatever I wanted to eat, my not knowing how to cook is not entirely by choice, it just somehow never happened when I was growing up, I am able to cook the ones I can today because I developed the zeal to learn along the way, it's true my bf influenced me but still, I'm learning not because I want to get married as my married sister doesn't cook, the same can be said for my mum, I do have some friends that know how to, it just never was part of the program in my home and this is because of the mum I have, this hopefully won't be the case with my kids.

I don't mean to sound defensive but I can manage my finances, my bf just has a different kind of taste is all.

Don't pick offense please but you sound kinda angry, why would anyone castigate you for saying what you feel?

chaircover:
@peternatuar1 I understand your concerns.

But the reality is that No two people are really alike . . Even 2 kids from the same parents are not alike. My friend has a set of twins. They are as different as night and day.

Hubby and I too are are different. I am rather reserved, whereby my husband is the type of person who can engage anyone anywhere . . .a people person to the core. Ko worry.
Last week he got up fromn his seat and was resolving "fights" between strangers at the Nigeria High Commission . . . me I will just sidoon look. If 2 adults want to fight in public over a chair infront of their children thats their own business.

Back to topic, the only way that these differences will work and not cause a permanent cold and hot war between both of you, is if BOTH of you are amiable towards change, are pliable and are prepared to be flexible.
We are now both different from the people that we were when we first met and its shocking to see how much we have merged into the same person

As for the class issue, from what ive seen around, its easer for the woman to marry up than for the man to marry down. This is because of an ego issue that a lot of men have. Many men will feel uncomfortable accepting gifts from their inlaws, but a wife wouldnt have an issue accepting a gift from her inlaws.
I have also seen instances where the man takes his frustrations out on the wife and every single thing that every single person does on the wifes side is taken as a disrespect even in cases where it isnt.
So this is an area that you need to look at. Your neice that told your man to keep quiet was rude by the way. Dont let anyone disrespect your man or they will keep on doing it for the rest of the marriage and this will frustrate him greatly. The start of a lot of marriage breakdowns are linked back to this

You also need to be sure that all the things he is conceeding to now is genuine and he is not just saying yes yes yes because he wants to marry you and once he is married he will start to put his foot down and say NO and then you both get into a battle of wits for years.

You also need to be realistic. The world is not just about you and your family and your ideas. I dont mean this in a rude way pls.
No one/family is 100% and all have their flaws no matter how minor. So you need to take time to sit down and think about some of the things that he is saying. Do you need to change some things? I dont know.
Bearing that in mind, You also should not totally loose your identity, (either of you) so there must be a balance.

Bottomline is that you need to take time and a good long think about things, Nothing is minor. Weigh things up properly and try as much as possible to look into the future and where you see things going & not just today. Marriage is long term and this is the man that you will spend most of the better part of your life with. This is the "item" that will be with you the longest in your life. No car, jewellery or item will outlast your marriage.

Its good that you are taking time to think this over and not just jumping in. You both need to change and be flexible. That is the most important thing. Neither of you can be rigid in your veiws and be ready to embrace change or it wont work.

Thank you ma'am.

I will be very observant and continue to work on the relationship with him.

I don't mean to argue with you please so don't misunderstand me, the little girl said "please" I think she was just frustrated that she couldn't hear the characters in the cartoon she was watching, that's part of what I'm talking about, he sometimes gets carried away, he really was loud with his laugh because I heard him from the kitchen, I'm not defending my niece btw, he just expected her to not say anything because he is older, he termed it a child talking back to someone older because the girl protested when he tried to caution her about repeating such, she said "but you were being too loud and I couldn't hear the tv", I don't think that was rude at all, or maybe it's the way I was raised?

He doesn't really have any complains about my family so far, he just thinks we are more "white" than Nigerian. I won't let anyone disrespect him, though he hasn't spent that much time with them, we'll start doing that henceforth to know if there are somethings he'll have issues with.

Thank you for your time.

Floodgater:
I am humbled, just dont forget to send me the invite. The financial openness thus far is okay, you only need to be more interested, grow and manage each others finances, you will know how to go about this with time perhaps it is also why he wants the joint thing. On a lighter note, did you go to church?

You will be treated as a vvip, I will make sure of that , you are awesom, i'll keep you posted on here.

We didn't go to church, we were out late and kinda slept in, we'll go next week I promise.

Madampinkolo:
Preternatura1,

Was struggling with bread oo!!Trying to make d darned thing,e no gree.On my 3rd attempt.Make una beg the bread gods for me naa.
I'm using the machine and it's recipes, yet my loaves are like olumo rock!

I want you to know one thing.No matter your decision,you are not a bad person.The major thing is that you are contented and as happy as possible with your choice.We all here will deifinitely give conflicting opinions based on experiences.No one can say for certain this will turn out well or this will turn out bad.Read carefully,listen to your instinct,TAKE YOUR TIME and then decide.

NB. No two families run the same way.You build your family based on the individual characteristics of you and your man.

FINANCES:
Joint or No depends on you two.Some do it successfully,some have done it and ended in a lake of fire.You need to understand what he means by joint accounts more.Does it mean,you both get paid and all of it enters the same account? Does it mean when you both get paid,you both put in a percentage into the account? What of the ATM to the account,where will it be?Who will hold it?Does it mean you will have to ask before using funds in the account?Are you both going to be joint signatories?How is he with finances?How are you with finances? These are questions you should ask before committing to anything. Whatever works for both of you is fine.Be it joint or independent finances.Depends on you two.

CHAKAMCHAKAM eating(cc babyosisi ):

I am blessed with a chakam chakam eater.I nagged the chakam out of him.I CANNOT bear mastication sounds,be it from me,from him or anyone.I even hate the sound that happens when gulping water.That's why eating chin chin is a nightmare for me.I just don't understand why a person eats noisily,it makes me go mad!! Believe me when i say that eating with mouth open can drive you crazy..At first you may be able to look past,but once married and settled it will start grating on your nerves. Occasionally, DH falls back into chakam mode but my evil eye solves the problem immediately.He's now very conscious of it and even came back one day and was telling me of a colleague that was eating like an animal,the man had chips even falling out of his mouth as he was chewing it.DH told me he was so disgusted..I laughed inside(former pot calling kettle black )

CLASS 1 :

I believe that my sisters in law have a problem with me because they think I feel big cos of the family i'm from.Dealing with people with a chip on their shoulder is hard cos no matter what you do,they can never be satisfied.Mine even want to dress me like them so that we look alike,and i don't outshine them.
If there's nothing else you take away from me,take this!!! STUDY THE FAMILY!!!.. Family members can be the life or death of any union.
If you come from a place where you eat beef bourguignon and they are used to amala & ewedu,it can cause wahala.The day you refuse to eat the amala,it will be because you are feeling too big.You may feed your man bolognese and they will say you are starving him.Please do your due diligence.Any trace of hostility or inferiority complex,RUN!! If you don't want to run,just be ready for wahala.
His mom asking you to come and cook oha on the first day of meeting you is not bad in itself,BUT it shows she is very traditional.Your bobo wanting you to change attire to meet her while the attire was alright to you also points to the same thing.It's not a bad thing at all BUT keep your eyes to the ground and know the implications.Is she nice & willing to accept you without prejudice?Are his other family members very accepting?Some traditional ones are lovely,some posh ones are agents of darkness.You have lovely posh and demonic trado ones.Find where you belong.
Is he the family saviour?? Family saviours fiances usually face issues because the family may feel the woman is there to divert cash.Do your HOMEWORK.

COOKING:
I didn't know how to cook jack before i met my DH and i didn't care.I used to say love me for me not for food.DH didn't care too.We married like that and started managing whatever.He cooks crap,i cook crap but we were happy.We used to eat out a lot.Then,i realised that he loves food and I started improving...anyone i don't cook well,our code word is 'i'm eating this food with a heart full of love'
When his mom came,she taught him how to cook some soups,she also taught me some.
Before i fell out of love with MIL,i already told her i don't know how to cook so and so,so please do and come and cook it.She never made any noise about it(at least to my face).
I'm now a master cook,errrr i just discovered today that i'd been cooking jollof rice the wrong way.hahahahahaha.There are a million food blogs to go to.I'm improving daily,and the man confesses day and night.He has the specific ones he cooks though and we are fine.
Everything depends on you and your guy.Some men like fresh food daily,I'm a cook and freeze madam.Find out what works for you and the MR.If it's too hard,hire a cook and get on with it.


CLASS 2:
There are good men in all classes of society.I say i prefer people to stick with their kind.It's easier for a man who's from a high class to marry a low class woman and try to brush her up to fit in(even at that,she may still suffer),than a man from a lower class trying to fit in with the high class woman's family.The slight jabs and digs,the pressure to keep up!It can be immense and start causing cracks in a relationship.If you were very comfy with his background,you wouldn't have issues talking with your mother about him.I don't want the guy to go in and be tortured constantly for not meeting up to the family 'ideal'.It also depends on him is he able to blend in immediately with your people?Will you be proud to walk with him into a place filled with your family members?Will he feel like the odd one out?Will he be able to be himself or have to put on an act the entire time?

If you are used to xclass and by virtue of marriage can now only afford a 505 nko?Will you both be encouraged to work harder or will you be scorned?No point in starting what you cannot finish.My Dh & I aren't different by much but he felt like the pressure from external forces were too much especially as some of his friends are married into my close extended family.I told him that i find display of wealth uncouth but he kept saying so when others are buying brand new cars and name plates for their wives,we will be here driving kpoka kpoka.The man was torturing himself for no reason as those things don't appeal to me,neither does my nuclear family care.I then urged him to relocate with me and experience how beautiful living simply is &he did.We can hop on trains,ride bikes,walk,drive,whatever as long as we have each other.When he left Naija,he felt like a weight had fallen off his shoulders,no more friends measurement,nothing.Just us two.Some families here still flogging themselves with competition,but we have our eyes fixed firmly on our goals and each other.
The point i'm trying to make is that class issues exist whether we like it or not,it just depends on how you both deal with it.If it will cause him to start behaving like a frog instead of a wall gecko,wahala go dey.If it will cause you to start hating him down the line for not being so refined,better say bye bye now.

There are exceptions to every rule,depends on the people involved and how willing they are to ignore outside forces and face themselves.I also know that those that surmount such issues usually have the titanic 'ish' kind of love.The' it's you or i die kind of love'.I'm not getting that vibe from you.Being married comes with soo much of its own issues,it's best to be uncomplicated as possible to start with.

Differences in raising kids can be sorted and ironed out.

Epidural is a medicine from the gods.Fantastic!! No need suffering unnecessary pain and screaming like a wild hog.It's your choice not his.All that natural story for his pocket.Ask him if he would like it if u stick a 20 inch tuber of yam up his a ss without anesthesia.Even ordinary rectal exam has grown men calling for amadioha not to talk of labour pains.I am still traumatised. Many.Many people encourage natural birth though but there's no prize to win for enduring the pain.Neither will the kid be smarter cos he/she is born naturally.Whatever suits you is fine once you know the pros and cons and make an informed decision.

Church can be fixed..either you start going more or he slacks..You both will find your rhythm..

You mentioned that you were 'fascinated' by him.It reminds me of an insect.Marriage is not an experiment,do all of that now while you are dating.When you both marry,he will definitely put his foot down on so many things.The things he complains of now,he will insist on when you both marry.If you are not able to compromise on them now,you will quarrel till you collapse.

Is there even anything you both see eye to eye on?What things do you both enjoy together?Do you both even share any ideals?There should be major things you both agree on. Ofcourse there will be compromises to be made but over compromising and promises of change and no change may lead to many shocks after marriage.

Look at him now,anything physical can be fixed to a manageable level but anything innate like thought process,behaviour,character will stay for ages and will take a lot to change.If you cannot envisage a happy union please think twice.You are riddled with doubts,he's making so many promises but the fact is that whoever he has been with you for the past 3 years is who he truly is.Can you live happily with that? If you cannot,it's time to move on.There will be someone to love him and his accent and co.There will be someone to love you just as you are.

- Why are you getting rid of your househelp?

Cheers!!

Omg! As serious as the matter is, I was laughing all the way reading this, you are gifted Ms, this was fun to read and I thank you earnestly for that. .

I wish I knew a way to soften your bread, sounds like what happened one time my girl was trying out a banana bread recipe, the crust on the bread is just indescribable , I hope you get it right.


FINANCES

Questions like the ones you posed, is basically why I couldn't say anything on the subject, I hadn't thought about it. I will put all these in consideration before deciding on what to do, I'd still love to have an independent account, should I decide to have a joint one with him. Wow! No one ever really told me marriage is this much hard work, I kinda feel exhausted, is that normal?


CHAKAMCHAKAM eating
Get out of my head already on the mastication sounds, jeez! This was the very first thing I noticed I didn't like about him, I decided I wasn't going to continue dating him because of this after a couple of dates, I actually started avoiding his calls, till he was standing at my door one blessed evening, then the subject came up, he was very embarrassed and said he'd change, he became conscious of it but still, sometimes he just gets carried away and just like you, I give him the look or kick his leg a little under the table and he adjusts. Over all, it's way way better now than it used to be, I just wished before this thread that I didn't have to remind him, I'll keep doing my part.

CLASS 1
From what I know about his family, he is the only child his mum had for his dad, the man died when he was a still a baby, she remarried and has 5 other children for her hubby(3 girls & 2 boys)now grown up, 3 married and the other 2 are still in the university. To be honest, I don't know much about them as I've only met them on few occasions at his place, we just exchanged pleasantries, I know he contributes to their upkeep but I don't really ask. His mum I've only met twice, at her house and at their family event(his half sister's wedding), she seems nice. I didn't eat any food at the reception, he said I wouldn't like it, but I ate at his mum's(jellof rice) it tasted nice, she was actually preparing it when we arrived, guess that's why she asked me to help with the soup. Does studying his family mean I have to spend more time with them now that I'm considering marrying him?


COOKING
He cooks well but not really what I'm used to, when he's at my place, he tells my girl to teach him, he's a pretty fast learner but complains that most of what I'm used to, come with too many strange ingredients , I've also learnt how to cook some of what he likes, I can cook okra, beef stew, he loves beans with plantain in it,african breadfruit(i don't cook this), Yam eaten with egg sauce, his favorite is oha but it's such a hard dish to make, it's time consuming and I don't get how to work the leaves, he says if you do it wrong it becomes bitter, wtf? , he's been trying to teach me since his mum's and someday I'll get the hang of it. I have decided I'll cook the ones I can and have someone else do the rest, good thing is, he's not really choosy and I can use this to my advantage.

CLASS 2
Hmmm, He's a handsome man with very nice skin, he's above 6ft tall, he's generally easy on the eyes, I'm not ashamed to walk beside him at all, he's not much of a talker, the only thing I'm really worried about is that he doesn't say things like "epidural is defying nature, it's not proper that a girl doesn't know how to cook, a woman should not miss sunday services" to my mum's hearing, mother was almost always away on business trips/meetings, she doesn't believe in religion and is half-breed(European American and Nigerian), she understands Nigerian culture though, she's just the one I really want him to impress and he knows this, my dad is the best man ever, I know he'll love my bf so I'm not worried there, most people in my extended family often mind their businesses, they are polite but some people from my dad's end can be a tad bit annoying, we wouldn't have to see them always so he doesn't have to put up with them, I won't allow that. My bf has money but he's just a conservative spender who is leaning towards spending more, he just likes to choose what he spends his money on very wisely. I have my own money too and my parents don't particularly have a problem with chipping in once in a while so, I won't have to give up the kinda things I'm used to entirely, would I?He does say I can be wasteful on spending but it's not really his money and he doesn't get angry about it so I believe we are fine in this regard, ultimately, my immediate family is the most important here and they'll support me, if a life with this man is what I want.

The way he wants to raise the kid I can live with, it's just the flogging part that I had a problem with, he says the kids will do little little chores and go to church, I'm down with that.

His opinion on epidural is just his opinion,just like many others he has, he's not forceful with them at all, I just feel my family will find some of them crude but having read all I have here, I guess I was just worried because most people I know are like me.

He loves soccer and I share his passion, we watch movies a lot, the first time he sky dived, I talked him into it and he looks forward to doing it again,I do charity and it's an idea he loves, he just likes to make sure his money ends up in the right pockets.
He runs some of his business ideas by me and asks my opinion on them.

I'm letting her go for a few weeks just to see how well I can do without any help in the house, though I doubt I won't ask the gatekeeper for some help but it won't be the same without my girl.

I will do as advised and continue to work on some of the things that can be worked on.
You know, since this thread and yesterday, I'm starting to feel like it's all new again, like I'm on a discovery journey and I'm starting to see some things I didn't see initially, he makes me laugh a lot, he can be very goofy.

I'm so thankful to you for taking the time to really address my issues, y'all should be marriage counselors, I'm so glad our paths crossed albeit only online, still I'm very grateful, thank you again.

Floodgater:
You are in no way bugging me. Your fears stems from your naivety, dont be shaky, it will get better. With the meeting you had, i would say you are right on track. Be strong, positive and fear not. The issue about his mum asking you to prepare soup as her to be Dil, doesnt mean she will treat you wrongly. She may have done it out of a harmless tradition or perception. Always do what you can do and leave out what you cant to for her to be handled by your man. Even if she is shocked by it, it may be out of measuring you with her standards. You will know if she doesnt like you with subsequent meetings. As for the joint account, majority of those who do it, also keep personal account. Some do it if there is a project at hand or for life but still maintain their individual accounts. Take your time to think through it, if you are not comfortable with it, dont do it. You may or may not like it later on, but you both should be open to each other on your finances. Any issue that he puts before you, think through it before you compromise especially if you are not too sure or comfortable. Dont force it if you are not comfortable with somethings only discuss it with him for workable solutions because some of the changes will come naturally and easily with time but always be willing to compromise. My dear dont miss that good man for fear's sake, you most likely will regret it when you are more mature.

He involves me in most of his dealings, though I don't know exactly how much in cash, he has, I do however know a lot about his business and what it yields, I'm also open to him about my earnings.


You've been most helpful, thank you very much for the advice, I really want to say "I owe you one"

Madampinkolo:
Preternatura1,
Thanks for answering me.
Will be back for you but based on the little you have said,it's obvious you both do not share many things in common and this may pose a HUGE problem.
Re read my other post to you.That he is good does not mean he is good for you. 2.I also mentioned that i prefer people to match up with their 'percieved' class or go higher..lower can still survive BUT it's easier to stay where you are more at ease.
You have already been tasked with oha soup,what next?hehehehehehe.

I'll be back to write you properly..A bit busy

Thank you ma'am.

I look forward to reading from you.

babyosisi:
The more I read you the more I lean towards you freeing this man
He will be very miserable in this marriage and so will you
He has a lot of grounds to cover
I don't see him meeting up with your demands let alone the demands of your extended family
He is not a good match
He will spend an entire lifetime from here on not being himself or stepping his foot down( which is what I suspect will happen eventually ) and be at loggerheads with everyone in your family.
This is not trial and error
Go your separate ways
There is a woman out there who will love him for him
You are hoping to love him for what you hope he will become
There is a man out there for you too

Wow!This post is killing me, I don't want to be scared no more, I already decided to compromise but you make is sound so hard.

He says he will meet me halfway and I him, don't you think we can make it work if we are sincerely committed to this? I have learnt a lot in a short while from the stories here, I have different men I can decide to date but I don't know that they'll be so nice and understanding.

There was a time I went on couple of dates with the son of my dad's business partner but he did not hold the door for me, he was often rude to service providers, my boyfriend is kind to people(though he hardly tips) and often holds the door, my sister and most ladies I know complain of infidelity but I don't have this problem, most people here think the issues I have with my boyfriend can be remedied, isn't that a good thing?

Floodgater:
Dont let any fear dampen your hope, discuss issues and your fears with him. It was the way it was because you didnt know what you know now thus was always making it your ways. Knowledge makes people do it differently right. You stand a better chance with this man than being always in fear like your sisters who married their class. Speak to him about your fears, watch him closely and pay attention to how he discussed them, you will know how genuine he is from this. Also make him open his fears about you, i think he has some too. The most important thing is that you both want to make a compromise now.

Thank you, you are so kind.

We talked today and he is willing to meet me halfway, he always has anyways, I asked if he would treat me different than he does now if we were married, he answered by saying "You know how much you mean to me, I would never be happy if you are sad", in all honesty, this man treats me like a queen and he listens to me.

He worries about my attitude towards church, I sincerely told him I will continue to try, he says he really loves to see me cooking , that's kinda weird but he says it's sexy so I have to step up in this department, over all, he says he can live with me as that's what he really wants.

I have told him about taking some time to think it through which he agreed to, I have decided to let my girl off for a few weeks to see how well I can do without any help in the house.

He asked what I think about joint account and I couldn't really give an answer, I love my financial freedom, my parents have their different businesses and money, though I won't say I really know all that go on with them in this aspect, I do know however, that my mum buys whatever she likes most times without my dad knowing. I don't know if a joint account is a good idea, what do you think?

Please I hope I'm not starting to bug you with my many questions? I appreciate all your help, thank you so so much.

MarvellousGod:
Call it quits already. . Both of you are totally different, not on the same page at all...
●You like eating out but he prefers someone who can cook his meals..
●You prefer hiring people to do your chores, but he prefers a woman who can take care of chores.
● You prefer expensive and trendy stuffs but he thinks that wasteful.
● His accent doesn't match up to what you wish.
● You think a child shouldn't be flogged but he thinks otherwise.
●He's religious while you don't care so much about church.
● You don't like what he buys because they don't match up to what you wish.
● You don't like his dress sense.
●You both hold different views on how a child should be brought up.
● Your family may not like him
● His cutlery etiquette is bad, he fills the glass to the brim, he chews with his mouth open..
● He told you to change your gown, you refused.. Do you really think he would have ignored if you were married?

my dear, there's a lot at stake here, I really don't think any level of compromise can bring things to term..even if you compromise now, hope you can keep the compromise forever? ?.. All the best though..

Thank you ma'am.

With all I've read from here so far, I think we can make it work. Like I already said, he is not forceful with his opinions at all, he is really patient with me, I guess I was naive for expecting he sees everything my way, I was just so used to the life I know before him but after reading other people's experiences here, it is safe to say I was not being fair to him.

He has no issues with what I wear(I like to dress as the occasion demands)it was a bodycon dress that was a little above knee length, he just didn't want any issues with his mum but I felt it would be best she saw the real me. It's not like he doesn't eat out at all, he just wishes I cook, which I do now but I'm still learning, he cooks and does chores, he does this for me without my asking when I'm at his place or when my girl is not available.

I don't think he is pretending, I just had fears which I think have been addressed.

We talked some more today and I believe he sincerely loves/wants me to be happy, He says we can have helps if that's what I really want but that I'll also do some chores which I already do sometimes anyway.

I'll continue with the relationship, we both have agreed to make some adjustments. Ms Floodgater suggested I take a few months to really think things through, this I have told him and he is okay with it.


Thank you once again, you all are far too kind.

Yadoctora:
I dont feel good about this. I am not married and would not give consideration to a man I have this much differences with.

It is important to you that your family members respect this man. You can't force it, he'll have to earn it and you won't be there all the time to make him act right.

You need to agree on how to raise your children to avoid future problems.

My other concern is his mother. Will you want a MIL drama? the mama seems like one you will have a lot of explaining to do to.I Can't even fathom her asking you to cook on the first meeting. she probably was testing your skills and u'll av much more cooking to do for her.

The best thing is to marry someone u share a lot with. He will easily understand why you are doing what and your marriage can be more fun than hardwork.

Hi there, thank you for your thoughts on this, it's appreciated.

About his mum, I know, right? I was not really surprised she asked, he already explained things to me, he said it's not something I'll have to put up with as she won't really be in our lives, so I'm not to worry about it.

He really tries to do most things my way but I was worried because of the talks on people changing after marriage, I now understand things don't have to be done my way always so I'm compromising.

It's been made clear my family will treat him the way I do, so I'll be supportive of him and give them something to work with, hoping that they understand it, he is not a poor man so he won't have to always be in their face, people in my family have lives and everyone has a voice, so I'm sure that if he's really what I want without reservations, they will be onboard. I love him and I hope to work on myself too, he's just really nice and treats me right, even when we argue, he doesn't yell, I guess I just have to give back now. He and I will be seeing later today, I hope to discuss some more on certain issues with him.

This is really a huge step for me.

Thank you once again.

nannymcphee:
My apologies for not quoting your whole post, I hope what I quoted will not be taken out of context.

Compatibility issues comes to mind here, some are minor & can & should be overlooked while others are major & should not be overlooked

You have a particular class & I will advise you go for that class because with the quotes below, if you go into marriage with him without reaching a genuine compromise(not the one he will agree to ur terms now, meanwhile planning a different thing for you after marriage)



Should you go ahead with the wedding, you will resent him & alienate your kids against him, imagine u scolding junior for eating loud & his defense will be that's how daddy does it, you find urself correcting him, you are indirectly telling him daddy is a bush man

The above secenerio will play out in other circumstances




Here again, compatibility, these issues you raised above can cause serious issues, should junior misbehave you can't tell him not to spank or flog his own child!!

He might not be the type that will eat food not prepared by you but you on the other hand grew up with maids




it appears you are living as though you are not in Nigeria(there is nothing wrong with that per say, just look for someone that shares same traits)


No Nigerian adult will accept that from a younger one to be "quiet", that's akin to shut up

You obviously didn't see that much of a big deal, I know kids abroad tell their parents to shut up either jokingly or seriously depending on the context & most don't see it as a biggie

you talked about the gown part, he was taking you to his mum & you couldn't agree with him on what to wear, haba

I'm not married o but I'm sure the average married woman dresses according to the husband's taste(make una correct me o)

my dear look for a good man amongst your class & save yourself from unnecessary heartache, continue with him on the grounds that you have reached a "genuine compromise" or he shows & proves that he is willing to change to your way of living

Most Nigerian men don't believe in changing for a woman, most times just to win her, they do so but after marriage, Ghen Ghen!!!!

Hi, you are free to address the issue from areas you choose, and thank you for your thoughtful input, it means alot.

Having read and pondered on the advice I've been given on here, I am genuinely willing to compromise, like I've been told, I have to realize we are from different backgrounds and bearing this in mind will help me(i sincerely hope).

I do have the fear of him changing like I've mentioned somewhere on this thread, I didn't really think too much on this because he has never been forceful with the way he thinks things should be done(he is soft spoken)till I started reading the stories here how people change after marriage, the things he has gotten me to do so far have been at my own pace, that's why I said he is very patient with me, I guess I just have to continue believing he won't change for the worse.

To be honest, I'm a little worried on the kids issue especially on discipline, he is not a mean person and he said only a beast will be happy seeing his kids hurt, that he will flog them only lovingly for the best, I myself have never been flogged by anyone(not that I remember)so I don't really understand it, he says I'm a good girl and not troublesome, perhaps that's why I didn't get beaten so he will only beat if it's very necessary, I guess I can live with this.

If I'm being totally honest, I must let you know that his etiquette has improved a great deal from when we first met, I just think it's taking longer than it should that's why I was worried but since most people here think we'll rub off on each other, would it be f00lish to hope for the best?

Most kids in my family are bred overseas and some are sent to school overseas, we are just a closely knit family that celebrate together alot,he and I are yet to reach an agreement on where ours will be raised, I hope this goes in my favor.

He has no problems with what I wear per se, he just said his mum wouldn't like it as it will be termed indecent by her, I refused because I didn't want to pretend. His mum is not really learned and he says she won't be in our lives, so I shouldn't be worried about her.

I know I might sound like I'm not really sure what I want but I'm sure he is a good man, I know no one is perfect, the truth is, is that I didn't really know much about other backgrounds till I met him, so I don't want to seem like a snob by writing him off, which is part of why I didn't go to my people for advice and why we came thus far, I was kinda fascinated by him.

Thank you so much.

cococandy:
Invite us to the wedding o

I have a gele that I haven't worn For once. I need to attend a wedding so bad in that gele

Best of luck dear

I would love to have you there hopefully, if that's something you are up to .

Thank you Ms.

Floodgater:
You have no business telling your family his flaws, remember he protected you when you couldnt cook oha, that's what you should do for him all the time. Your family and friends will eventually see and take him the way you do before them, ensure it is the good way always because they may never be able to correct a previous bad impression you gave them, even if he is at fault, cover him up and correct later. You know your family more than him so prepare for any area that may cause problem in other to prevent it and projects his good sides when he is discussed in your family. Know it is the love he has that makes him adjust for you, no body like to move from their comfort zone but after complaining he still adjust for love sake, you will know it is a genuine change from his comments and attitude to the changes. Please step out of your familiy's standard and love this guy a little, btw what have you adjusted for him. Teach him gently with patience to be more modern, i think you would also do with some of his traditions and be grateful later.

If only there was a way to really show you how grateful I am for your help so far, thank you so much.

I will do my best to make sure he is not disrespected in any way, though it's just that what he may consider 'disrespect' might be different from how my family view it, still I will put more effort to make it work. My family is not used to the idea of him yet as I don't live in the same state with them(I visit on holidays and some weekends) so they don't get to see him a lot but I know that will change now as mother will like to scrutinize before giving approval, I will try to be more supportive of him.

I have learnt how to cook some foods because of him, I go to church with him sometimes, I didn't really grow up with church but I remember attending mass with nannies when I was younger and after high school that didn't really stick, so going to church with him is something he really appreciates but I don't know if I can continue , I do house chores that I can, sometimes, because he thinks it's not proper that I didn't use to.

He is a good man, he is very patient with me, does my laundry, cooks and I've noticed that I don't have the kind of problems my sister,cousins and some friends have with their relationships, they usually suspect their men of cheating, he is somewhat different from the kind of men I'm surrounded by, guess this is why we came this far.

I'm beginning to think I let my fears in and that is what is affecting our sex life, I am now ready to work on this with hope that there be fire again.

Once again, thank you very much, I feel greatly relived. It's amazing how strangers can be so helpful, I'm very thankful to Google for leading me here.

cococandy:
@preternatura1

Read this post below and the bold very very well.

Don't let what your family perception about his class may be stop you from settling down with a nice man.

Both of you may very well grow into each other before you know it,him rubbing off on you and you rubbing off on him.

You then discover that you're quite satisfied with even less expensive stuff than you were used to and he is no longer very primitive in mannerism and appearance.you may not see it happening but you wake up one day and realize it has happened.

If those things you listed there are all the only problems you have with him,I don't see that it is something not fixable.

If you do get married to him, pls don't let your family call the shots as per the higher earning end.
No o. You have to respect him and they will follow suit. Don't let anyone ridicule your man in your presence because of his class or upbringing.

Thank you kind ma'am, for your equally kind words, I just needed to be sure and you all have been most helpful.