Ruby_Pearl:

Oyinye, again?

@Queenisha
What do you do to a man who thinks he cannot take care of his family and becomes distant from his wife?

Financial troubles
and sex problems are the 2 biggest causes of marital failures.
lack of communication,being distant,even some verbal and emotional abuse issues stem from the 2 above.
Men especially Igbo men (because I've around them all my life) feel worthless when they can't provide for their family.
They feel like a failure and  I think it applies to other Nigerian men too.
The worst thing a woman can do is remind him of his financial status.
That's the time he needs her encouragement more than anything.
Help him look for a job
Look at ads and point them out.
He may even feel like he's not qualified for them because an inferiority complex has set in.
Men don't verbalise how they feel like we do
But when they hurt,it makes them distant.
Let him know,you are supporting him in this time.

words like
"honey, it's not always going to be this way"
"I know God has a better job for us"

He needs to know that his wife is in this with him.
and never ever ever rub it in that you're the main provider or compare him to other men
You will kill him emotionally and those who can't handle that feeling may  gun you down

davidylan:

it has no advantages at all o. please don't let onyinye2 go away with a wrong impression.
No man wants to live with a log of wood.

LOL

Hannibal:

Jeeeeez. . . . . . . .Thats double jeopardy.
I am too lazy to teach. I want a ready made bugatti veyron NOT the one i have to jump-start with tutorials n sex videos.
Frigid women, please get out of me way.

Oya you may go to the bunny ranch in Las vegas to pick a bride.
They can even do it while levitated 20 inches off the ground

stillwater:

Me? Robot? I wear it with PRIDE!!!!!!

Aww that's so sweet. I was contemplating joining a monastery . Thanks anyway

being frigid as a single person actually has it's advantages
at least the person is not jumping from bed to bed since sex was not even something the person desired.

Hannibal:

Can one help a frigid woman?
I thunk the problem is hormonal.


Bloody robot!!!
Watch as ur hubby would bring Ngozi n Nkechi to ur matrimonial bed while u are as stiff as super glue.

No hannibal.
It's an emotional one usually brought on by an earlier traumatic experience in most cases.
It can be overcome by the husband being understanding.

stillwater:

@ Queenisha

I like the idea of being frigid. Is there any show for me in marriage? Is there a man who would take me as I am?

Why not.
A man that loves you will love you with all the challenges.
I had a tough near rape experience as a teenager (but for God's grace )and it changed my life.
It took a kind, romantic and understanding man to undo what his fellow man did.
I actually do value the fact that my hubby loved me for me not for my bedmatic skills because I had none at first.
and he never made fun of that fact.

Hannibal:

Frigid??
God forbid!!!!
This is why it's important to test drive before saying I DO.

You could be the person to teach her and bring her out of her shell.
Not everyone is swinging from chandeliers in their father's houses

It's been a great thread.
I think the test of a happily married woman is to ask her if she would do itagain with the same person.
I have friends who have said that knowing what they know now,they would have married someone else
But that's not my situation.
If I went back again to that time way back in the nineties,I would marry my husband all over again.

Gucci_Babe:

queenisha

how long have you been married?

KarmaMod:

osisi and her two mouth

osiisi you know I am madam gboborun and memory is excellebt. I remember when you leaked that you "did eat the fruit before marriage".

did I say here that I didn't?
I chopped after engagement  but I asked God to forgive me
I was not an experienced chopper is what I said
My man was not as committed to Christ as I was when I met him and he led me astray a few times
We were overtaken by passion
but we resumed non chopping till after marriage
I was engaged prior for a couple of years earlier and never slept with the guy.
I was a good girl o

davidylan:

na wa o. you shld teach us some tricks. I used to think it was the other way round. Better at first . . .

ROFL.
Remember I've said this several times,if I ever have a divorce (God forbid)
There's no way I'll ever get married again
what for?
I'm putting all my efforts into this one
and leaving no stoned unturned.
If it ever goes wrong (God forbid)
I would leave knowing that I did all that I was expected to do
so why woud I want to invest my efforts into another relationship?
I'll just raise the kids and wait for the grankids.
The last time I said this,almond joy agreed whole heartedly.
I'm not willingly to start afresh learning ,pleasing and loving someone else.
No way!

Hannibal:

Well. . . .You have a point.
From a woman's view, it is expected to enjoy it under matrimony.
Besides, ur husband could be crazier about u when u guys first met.
Men like it more at first then the novelty around it stutters a little bit.

ROFL.
Is that why he still talks of our sleeper train rides?

stillwater:

Have you ever said No, I'm not in the mood.

yes I have but I always add, please wake me up at blah blah o'clock
or please I promise you tomorrow early morning will be wild
and he understands but of course there are those times I can see he's really really wanting it and the poor man is about to burst,I just go along knowing that when he's that charged, it's only but a few minutes and the whole thing is over.
I can handle that.

Hannibal:

This is a shocker to me.
Few married men i spoke to told me pre-marital sex is a tad better.

In what way ?
maybe the risky things like sex in cars and on mountain tops.
I don't know.
Remember I'm speaking for myself from my perspective
I don't know if he'll say the same .
but from how crazy he still is about me,I think I'm right.

Onyinye na wa for you o
perhaps if we had this conversation some years back,I'll be sounding like you too.
I had a mother who told me some hard truths and modelled it too and I'm grateful for that.

Gucci_Babe:

Another question

  how is sex during marriage?  do you husband still look at you like he did before having a kid ( i mean when your body is tight n aall) how often do you lay down together. is it different after marriage.  when you ask for sex does he turn you down, cause maybe he knows he can get it when he wants

Excellent!
Never a dull moment
actually It's better now than when I first got married.
Personally,it took me a while to get comfortable being with a man due to my CU campus roots
I was not an "experienced" lady going into marriage
and he was a patient man.
Our sex life is a million times better today than then.
I hardly even have to ask for it.
all I need to do is send him a text message thanking him for his tigerly activities that morning and he knows he has to out do himself that night

joshjosh:

Like i always said about her she is one seriously happy lady. most people took her too seriously and didnt know she was a bendel woman first and foremost.
i could always read between the line and fell in love with her. i like women with brilliant minds. people who don't fall easily under presure are my favourites.

God blessings be on you all that are great examples to us all

That was my mistake.
Her raw expletives especially were shocking to me but it was all talk I came to know

Onyinye say God forbid!
3 times to that prayer.
Tufiakwa
You want a man that has the ego of a dove?
don't you know that's the same ego he'll carry to the outside even at the workplace and have everyone walk all over him?
You need at tiger LOL
You need a man that is fearless.

davidylan:

don't mind me abeg. Its not bad to look out for someone like your dad but bear in mind its harder for you to do since you're basically only considering those who approach you. (i'm assuming women don't literarily approach men here).

and it's so common that girls end up marrying men that are like their fathers  and men end up with women that have some traits as their mothers.
That's life.
and we all model the home we grew up in.

davidylan:

Queenisha please make a clone of yourself . . . it will be much easier to marry your clone than find other women.

LOL
I have my moments too.
I can be ajakaja woman sometimes
and he knows when to drive off or keep quiet.
But fundamentally my goal  and his is to be happy and to have happy, well balanced children.
Like you I had an independent mother who worked hard ,had own money,spent it like she wanted but also a very loving and submissive wife.
From her I learnt that I could balance the two and they have been happily married now for over 35 years.
I never saw my dad lay a hand on her and I know she would cut him with a knife if he dared
My dad is a business man and his greatest confidant and advisor is mom and as fierce as he was ,we all knew my mom was the backbone of virtually all his decisions.

joshjosh:

it doesn't hurt that you have a good brain sitting on your shoulders. you, adebo and AJ and some few others are a breath of fresh air on nairaland. if some old women know what you just said they would not be moving from place to place looking for husbands. it is easy to control a man if you are calm and non confrontational. you don't have to win every argument

i always remember you for good

Thanks
I never appreciated Almond joy this  much until she left nairaland.
all that gragra was all talk.
That girl is one happily married woman
she is so respectful of her husband.
I had great admiration when she told me she left Nairaland as a birthday present for her husband.
That is a woman who knows what marriage is all about.
Compromising to keep the marriage happy.

KarmaMod:

Lol this thread should be called Q&A with Osisi   [size=4pt]don't tell me she's the only one on NL with a happy marriage hehe[/size]


While I definitely agree with you osisi, are you saying during courtship with either your ex fiance and current husband, you never did any of this?
would you tell a girl not to cook for her boyfriend or whatever he is or help him with his place, yada yada?

I no go lie I did with my husband
but I didn't move in.
there are those who even live with the man without a marriage proposal.
Those are the ones I'm talking about
It's not right.

Gucci_Babe:

haba! i don't think men have it that easy too.

There are men who have given up smoking for the sake of their wives.
There are men who have cut off some friendships for the sake of the family.
That is compromise

onyinye2:

Na lie. Gini has he given up? Nothing.

Going to sports bars no I
he's a die hard sports fan.

secondly there has been business ventures he wanted to go it but I didn't feel good about them and advised him and he went with my opinion and later thanked me for the advice.
If he were a singl eman he wouldn't need anyone's opinion on that.

thirdly he recently went out and test drove and brought home a brand new car which they let him keep for 2 days to make up his mind,I talked him out of it and he returned it.
He calls me an intelligent woman and I know God has blessed me with that gift.
My earlier mistake when we were newly married was to say my opinions as a matter of fact and insist that was the way things would go and he refused them not because they were not sound opinions but because of the way they came out.
Why?
because he's a man
that's the way they are
they are wired differently and we can't do anything about it.
That's the way God made them.
They are go getters and don't care much about details like women do.
They are not emotional beings like us
It took me years to get this.
It takes a smart woman to know how to pass on the message without hurting their ego
Trust me
If your man acted like a woman, you wouldn't like it.

chika98:

Compromise isn't a one sided thing. Men do compromise as well

Exactly!
He has given up a lot of his own personal comforts for our sake too.
That's the only a marriage can survive.
Anyone not willing to give up things should stay single.
Marriage is not compulsory.

Gucci_Babe:

queenisha!  

thanks for the advice,  seems like you have to learn to be an actress to enjoy marriage  ,  it doesnt sound easy,  

ROFL.
Genevieve has nothing on me LOL
It's not acting because you know it's for the benefit of everyone.
It's being selfless
and he has to do same too because he knows that when Queenisha is unhappy
Everyone is unhappy.

Gucci_Babe:

 i agree with that though. but then some people said its better to live with your man so you can know if you can tolerate him  

bad idea
let him go and carry wine and pay the dowry and buy the things on that longs list (according to Igbo custom) before I begin to assume the role of a wife.

davidylan:

eyah. Sorry o.
Queenisha, our resident counselor, will soon knock sense into your head. Pay attention . . . people pay good money for the kind of advice she is giving.

david leave Oninye alone.
Wait till she finds her Okonkwo, her type will be kneeling and serving him his foo foo

Before my wedding,I had long midnight talks with my mom.
The words she spoke many years ago are still fresh in my memory.
and one of them was about mother in law
@ gucci babe I know you asked a question on that issue.
I know there are some MIL's that are straight up _itches.
If your man is truly in love with you,he'll warn you about his mother from the get go
so that you are prepared for her.
that is where psycholgy and commonsense come together.
You have to "kill her with love"
I mena compliment her
buy her gifts
call her on the phone
send her money at Christmas and mothers' day
Before you know it she'll even be complaining t you about your husband.
It may take years but it can be done.
Every one responds to love
even the toughest of MIL's

chika98:

That's all you understood from reading that??

I understood you perfectly and any married woman would.
Marriage is not eating dodo.
There's no married woman who hasn't felt like carrying her bags and checking out.
Perhaps at different times especially in the early years.
I'm sure the men have felt the same way too.
It is natural
We all come in with this ideals in our heads and then quickly realise that[b] those ideals do not exist[/b]
My former pastor says that "Good marriages don't just happen" They have to be consciously built

onyinye2:

But why does he have to make the decision? That is what baffles me. We say that we are in the 21st century, yet I feel that we live like does of the Medieval Ages. If he makes all the decisions, what is the point of me then? Just to sit back and accept it?

what type of decisions are you talking about?
He doesn't choose my jobs,my clothes,how I spend my money or my friends.
I know there are women who have to hand over their paychecks to their husbands or report to him on every tiny issue ,that's not my situation.
If I wake up on Saturday morning and feel like not making and  having breakfast at home,I simply let him know that I'm driving down to the neighborhood diner with the kids and ask if he wants to come along.
But major things like the name for the kids,their schools,the home we buy, business ventures etc, we discuss it and thankfully most of the time, we have same opinions but when they differ,I  go with his.
His thoughts for our family are good thoughts and I have no problems with it.

Gucci_Babe:

hello everyone!

thanks   queenisha for your  lessons. I don't know how im going to do it yet!   it seems like you have to become a total different person,  and i think its going to be hard on me. I am used to having my way most times.  you said you must love your mother in law. what if you try so hard to make her love you but she still finds fault in you, what do you do? what kind of issues should you look over? what if he does something terrible like cheating etc, and some man no dey show face until marriage  how do u deal with a stranger you married then,

I have quite a few divorced friends and we talk.
Let me say this for all the young girls.
There is absolutely nothing your husband will do at marriage that he didn't show signs of when you were dating
If he cheats,he probably cheated or showed signs of that and gave you explanations that made no sense but you accepted it, blinded by love.
If he's a selfish and wicked person,he definitely dispalyed those behavious and we overlooked them.

Every girl has to decide what she can orcannot deal with in marriage and have the courage to call it quits at courtship.
I did it!
I broke an engagement after 2 years of courtship and I'll do it again!