₦airaland Forum

Mynd_44: A baby is coming here. Thank God

Ishilove: Choi!! If I should be this blunt, some folks on NL will say I am proud

*sigh* I want to be like you, princesa, when I grow up

Lol. Jokes aside, I haven't read the piece yet, but I am sure it aint that bad na

Tovot: we did not beg you to pay,the fewer the better,i can evict you,so you better be polite

Shugamania:

Dare.

Tovot: so ur older than me

HumbledbYGrace: lol my eyes are teary guys stop it na.

Oya he is the real Jack! Hahaha

VanTee20: Kai! You must have dstv dish-like ears .

jiraiyas: That Should Be Personal argh.




I Think Its Using My last cash to buy her a doll,and using my suppose tfee for buying that card and running thru the rain to her place that evening from market *i was xo wet that i wore her black singl til nyt*

HumbledbYGrace: Did you hear that foxy is resigning?

Fishoy: d matron....she needs ur reg fee...its 5dollers

Tovot: FLAMES
1] vantee20
=-=-=-=- = lovers
fishoy

2] mynd44
=-=-=- =lovers
firestar khimwhyte

3]superbloke
=-=-=-=-=- = married
ishilove

princesa: lets clap for him then, do you have a sense of synergy? can you confidently say that his piece match that of the others


abeg, story that touches the heart8)

Fishoy: wr av u been womani tink rap meas***4gt d full name*bt am handin him over to u ma...

frank3.16:
I will be definately glad it u point out errors post by post. Only tht I will only effect the corrections in my own copy but not on this thread. This is something like a skeletal work and the point u help me points out are the reason why I am posting this here. Thanks

Ishilove: Great beginning, frank! Love it

I hope u don't mind me pointing out a few things I noticed?

**
Post #1

"He reflexively deemed his eyes as the light
from the white bulb in his room hit his eyes.
He tried to shield his eyes with his right hand
while his left hand remained on the switch,
soon his eyes started to adapt to the light."

I see a lot of gaps in this paragraph. At what point did he get up? He was by the window at the beginning of the story, so when did he cross the room to where the light switch was? Why did he switch on the light? Was it dark? How long was he in darkness? You did not indicate the time of the day. Details, details, frank. They give us a clearer picture of narration.

He 'deemed'(dimmed) his eyes- he squinted his eyes.

A few issues with tense usage. Nothing a good editor can't handle. Great job, love the suspense!

Do you mind if I point out stuff post by post? Let me know so I can keep an eye out

HumbledbYGrace: smh

princesa: Now rap, being busy that i couldn't go back to the thread to peruse your story again. Well, let me start by saying that you and that red mosquito guy write the same, and the review i gave to him also kind of applies to you.

Your intro was ok, you sounded nice with the way you referred to the light ray or something casting on the sleeping form of Lucan, but then it started nose diving oh......

What's with the sexual hints here and there about Lucan and That model girl, biko, it was fun while it lasted, lets move on......

Then the Nyanya body allusion didn't really fuse in with the narration, it made it sound award, like it was a child play or something

Well, your piece didn't have any spectacular action or plot development, your abrupt end worsen it, you could have atleast take us your readers to the main action that would happen when they met with Madam K. Who are you expecting to continue for you

then offcourse the paragraph issue stares still at us, better throw away that your phone and upgrade ok.....

i give you an average rating.

#going to see what more you have for us#