serubawon: @RTFM STILL WAITING ON YOUR REPLY SIR. PLEASE TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU NEED.

Apologies sir, I missed that. I am in Switzerland. Thanks for the offer of a chat. That you would make the offer in the light of all you are going through is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much. I have spent the last few weeks talking about her to her family and friends, for now, at least for a short while, I want to just remember her, in happiness and joy and perhaps keep some of those memories to myself. I know it does not make sense but I don’t feel as if I want to talk to anyone just yet.
Allow me to explain, since I got back from Germany, I have spent my evenings after work reading the letters we wrote to each other when we were courting. It will take me a good couple of weeks to go through them. It is my special time, a private time, I switch off the phones have a small glass of brandy and remember her with love and gratitude to God for what I had.
I will definitely get in touch soon. I have so many questions for you.
Thank you so much, God bless you.

salsera: I was just about to ask how you were doing RTFM?

It will get better...let yourself grieve

You are always welcome to write here

@serubawon
Greetings

Thank you salsera and serubawon. It's still hard, it's still a struggle but I get up everyday and try to soldier on. One day at a time...

I took a couple of weeks off to visit my wife's grave and also visit with her family and friends in Germany.
It was a bittersweet experience. In the course of our marriage, we had been there together several times and to see the same sites, walk the same routes all on my own, was almost too much to bear.
It has been therapeutic to talk and share with her friends and family, as we reminisced we laughed and cried and were thankful. She brought us all together, Europeans and myself from Africa. It was good to see my wife through the eyes of others and I am so thankful for that.
I still miss her so much but the overwhelming aching pain in my heart is slowly being replaced with a measure of gratitude for the time we had together and the love we shared. I came so close to packing it all in. Life had lost all meaning and I failed to see the point of my existence.
Its better now but I am not yet where I need to be. For the last 17 years, I lived for her and worked to build a better life for us both as she did for me. All I know is how to be husband as we were together for the greater part of my adult life. Without someone to share things with, life has been without colour, taste or flavour. I have been trying to pick up the pieces but it is so difficult. At the moment all I can concentrate on is work. I have let everything else slide. I have important documents and administrative tasks related to her demise to complete but just can't bring myself to do them. Maybe it makes things less real and less final. I don't know. It is my hope that by writing my thoughts here. I will be able to find it inside me to cross this hurdle. I'm not asking for sympathy or pity. To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm looking for or what I want. This post is rather narcissistic and I apologize for that. I think I better stop now.

It exists! I was fortunate to be married for 17 years to the one person who loved me so much. When you experience it, you will know. You never want to do anything that would hurt that person, you live your life for them and they for you. When you are apart you count the hours until you are reunited. You take pleasure in their company and all other women do not exist for you. You speak with one voice and all you ever want is for your partner to be happy. There is always trust, peace and comfort when that special person is around, you grow together and normal things that would drive a marriage apart are inconsequential. This was my experience until the death of my wife a few months ago. Whilst I am sad she is gone, I thank God that I had a chance to experience a perfect love. For the 19 years we knew each other, we were grateful for every day despite the fact that she was unable to have children. OP, unconditional love is not only practical, it is essential and I pray you are lucky enough to find it in your partner.

@serubawon Thank you so much. I am praying for both you and yours.
Your words and your experiences have been an inspiration and comfort to me and I Pray that God mightily bless you.

It is so difficult to be the leftover part of what was once a perfect unit. I find I'm second guessing myself, procrastinating and making stupid mistakes. It's supposed to get better and easier with time, allegedly. I am yet to see evidence of this. Last week was the Swiss national day. From my balcony one has a grandstand view of two different fireworks displays. In the past, this was shared with my significant other. I remember how lucky we felt last year as we watched and shared brandy and coffee beneath the spectacular display. The plans we made for this year and the commitments we made to stop and smell the roses and take time out for the little things. Alas, all is now for naught. I'm trying to keep my head up. I have tried and failed to make sense of this tragedy. I accept things are the way they are and God knows best, I put on a brave face in public and try to be stoic but when I am alone the knowledge that we will never share the little things is almost too much to bear. I remember her with love and gratitude for the many, many happy, joyful memories and all the "splendiferous" little things. I miss her.


Opeyemi, May God comfort you and bless your son.

salsera: @RTFM


Thanks for sharing...please go on (you have a gift for writing by the way)

Thank you. ( and a million engineers spin in their respective graves, we are not supposed to be lucid or lyrical, at least not without detailed diagrams and equations) I am at my happiest these days when I read or write. I don't want to make this thread all about my boring life. the title is adjusting to life as a widower, not the romantic adventures of RTFM. I do not wish to derail or hijack what has helped me so much. Though I must admit the tiny excerpts I have shared here have and are helping me come to terms... Also the positivity of people here...wow! this is not the Nairaland I know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17vC8qZILJE

I have good days and bad days... today is not so good.
I did my first monthly shop yesterday on my own and it was horrible.
Shopping for one person is so painful, normally we would have discussed the pros and cons of each item, joked and played around a bit.
I would have added something special for her into the trolley while she was not looking and she would have done the same and we would both be surprised at the checkout.
It was so difficult, I tried to keep my composure but the sight of her favorite items reduced me to a blubbering wreck.
I am sure the sight of a melancholy 43 year old man with watery eyes in front of the frozen food section would have scared other customers.
I know it will get better but right now, feeling it will get better is next to impossible.
One day at a time.

My friend was late picking me up, then he took a wrong turn and we ended up driving on some minor roads in the Yorkshire moors, It got dark and ours was the only car on the road. There was nobody to ask directions, no road signs. Then fog descended and we had to really slow down, this was in October...A trip that should have taken 45 minutes had extended to several hours. It was getting really late and I was so worried, she did not have a mobile phone. My phone had no signal, (You only had coverage in major urban areas in those days). What must she be thinking of me? what if she had left?
By the time we got to the airport, all flights for the day had stopped , she was the only one left in the terminal. I saw her in at a distance and rushed to apologise and she hushed my apologies with a hug and kiss. She was wearing her Chloé perfume and that plus the smell of coffee, she had had several cups while waiting, pushed me over the edge, (I am a bit of a coffee freak).
There were tears in her eyes and mine. I held her in my arms and knew I was where I was supposed to be. There and then, I was permanently and irrevocably lost. This was the woman I was going to marry.

How we met

After I had confessed my feelings to her and she had reciprocated. We were still hundreds of miles apart. Why? I was scared and more importantly I did not have my own place and was living with a married friend. I saw how they fought almost every other day and did not want to expose her to that sort of environment as we were still at the getting to know you stage of our relationship. (they later divorced due to his infidelity)
I would phone her in the evenings while gazing at the photographs she had sent me. She would call me up if she was listening to a particular type of music and thought it would interest me.
We sent books back and forth. It was a meeting of minds and we became friends, it was so surreal, we looked at life the same way, we had similar goals and beliefs and shared a love for Jazz, classical music and opera. Everything slowly faded into insignificance except for her. I no longer went clubbing with my friends on the weekends, preferring to stay at home communicating with this creature I hadn’t even met.
I quit my job to engage in further studies and moved to Sheffield. I got my own place and knew I had to meet her as I had delayed unnecessarily several times. She had invited me to visit her in Germany several times but I had refused. Perhaps I knew if I did I would not want to leave, I don’t really know. Perhaps it was my unfamiliarity with the language or a lack of confidence? I was twenty three or twenty four at the time. I was in turmoil, I wanted to meet her but at the same time was not sure if I still wanted to play the field. It was the nineties, I was young, there was my whole life ahead of me, and all these pretty ladies everywhere I looked. What if there was no chemistry when we met? I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate so I sent her an airline ticket. I made arrangements with a friend to drive me to Manchester Airport, we would finally meet.

Thank you all so much for my Birthday greetings.
I apologise for not posting more frequently but I have been really slammed at work.
Your support has been a huge part of my healing.
A while back when I was at my lowest point I posted the following on Facebook:

Exactly three years ago, my beloved wife and myself moved here from England. We were so happy, full of hope and expectation. It was to have been the beginning of a great new adventure. We had such plans and so many things we wanted to experience together. Today, I am all alone and the pain is almost too much to bear. I don't know why I am writing this on Facebook. It is not my intention to wallow in grief or bring anyone down. If you are reading this status update, you are not obliged to like or comment or get in touch. There are no words suitable to alleviate my feelings at this time. I have shared status updates when I was happy now I am so sad I feel it is right to share as well.
I write as a means to unburden myself and perhaps experience some form of catharsis. It's seven weeks now since my better half was taken from me so cruelly.
The pain does not go away. The passing of time has not made any difference and I wonder if I will ever regain my equilibrium. I now know how it feels to be alone. I miss waking up beside her, the way she laughed at my silly jokes or didn't (she was German after all), I miss her hugs and kisses and whispered I love yous that we exchanged everyday. I miss her phonecalls to me at work, sometimes to ask when I would be home, to remind me to run an errand or just to hear my voice. I miss coming home to her arms, the way she would drop everything when I walked through the door and the occasional dance we would do if music was playing... and there was always music. I miss having someone to take care of, someone to share the experiences of the day with, someone to unburden to, to plan with, to stand at my side against the world. I miss my best friend.
I am grateful to everyone who has taken the time to check up on me, especially my wifes's friend, who has been a Godsend and tried to take me out of myself as well as assist with the Swiss bureaucracy. Thank you for the trip into the mountains. I got back home, did not have anyone to recount to and unfortunately it broke me down anew.
Several people have recommended books that they think might help but the written word just does not cut it at this time.
I have no words for those who have told me to be strong and move on. How does one do that?
I write these words in the knowledge that nothing on the Internet ever fades away.
These words will end up on an archive somewhere as a testament that I was loved by and trully loved a most remarkable woman. Thank you my ----- for everything. I miss you.

I have removed the names but this was at the depths of my pain. It is beginnig to get better and you guys are a huge part of that. Thank you.

Thank you all so much.

I posted this today on Facebook, actually should be yesterday now and I also dedicate the sentiments to all of you on this thread who have been so welcoming and supportive,

Today, for the first time in weeks I prayed. Not a get down on your knees thing but a quiet internal dialogue with my creator. Almost immediately I felt the fog beginning to lift. For some strange reason I was filled with a deep sense of gratitude and peace. I will be the first to admit, I am not a particularly religious man, too much of a cynic, but I have always had my faith and it has supported me and been a source of strength. Today I was reminded of how blessed I truly am. I remember my mum and my wife, both of whom are no longer with us and I am thankful. I am thankful that I have all you wonderful friends who have helped me through this dark time. I am thankful for a great marriage, a fantastic job the respect of my peers and superiors. I am thankful for life in a different country and the realisation that the Swiss are not as cold as they have been depicted but can be just as warm and welcoming as a genuine African. Today, I mark another year on this planet. Under normal circumstances I would have taken the day off and dossed around the house in my underpants while being waited on hand and foot by my significant other. (not a pretty sight but once a year I can get away with it). I went to work instead and had a good day. Today, I see how blessed and lucky I truly am. With all the posts, IMs, BBs, phone calls, texts, letters, cards, emails, the odd fax (yes, fax, some of us were alive in the 80's). I appreciate those who have offered words of comfort and made gestures behind the scenes and those who have done so openly. I will work my way through in due course and thank you all individually but for now, Thank you all so much! Merci beacoup! Dankie, Shukran, Xièxie, Danke schön, Na gode, ịmela dalu, Mahalo, Molte grazie, Dōmo arigatō, Hvala, Muchas gracias, E she gaan ni.

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
- Khalil Gibran

Thank you all so much to everyone on this thread. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Writing part of my life's story has indeed helped me so much. Things do not seem as dark and hopeless. It has been therapeutic and cathartic.
I will keep posting some things, if I can, pardon me if it is disjointed, or if I am away for some time, I still need to earn a living.
I have started writing again but mostly on paper. Some things are too personal even on an anonymous forum.
I will not put events in chronological order but I will try and give impressions of a most wonderful and peaceful relationship.
I will also try and keep things brief so as not to upset my new nemesis the "Nairaland Anti-spambot".
Thank you,you dear, dear people. You have no idea how low I was until I came across this thread.
God bless you all.

I keep getting banned!!?

Sorry about the break. I have been taking the train to and from work these last few weeks instead of driving. It takes longer but is safer. Also got banned for 24 hours!!? Not sure why.

My first thought was shock. Though we had spoken on many wide ranging topics, I had never expressed any romantic intentions. It really shook me up and I took a long walk on my lunch break to gather my thoughts. Why would a woman send me flowers? I was not unfamiliar with the ways of women, after all I had sisters, I went to a mixed secondary school, I didn’t toast her or say anything that would indicate romantic interest. I wasn’t looking for a relationship.
A switch went off in my head and I resolved to find out more.
International phone calls were really expensive in the 90's so I went to to pick up some airmail letter cards. I wrote her a letter.
I got a reply within a week. The paper she used was scented with what I would later find out was her favourite perfume Chloé,
I cannot smell it now without crying.
I sent her a book as she had shown interest in science, the universe, art, history, so many things. The book was Stephen Hawkin's A Brief History of Time. ( later found out earlier this year that she had never read it! I laughed so much when she confessed, so All the time I had referred to it she was just humouring me. What a lady.)

Sorry about the break. I have been taking the train to and from work these last few weeks instead of driving. It takes longer but is safer.

My first thought was shock. Though we had spoken on many wide ranging topics, I had never expressed any romantic intentions. It really shook me up and I took a long walk on my lunch break to gather my thoughts. Why would a woman send me flowers? I was not unfamiliar with the ways of women, after all I had sisters, I was an alumnus of ISI and Unilag and a fine boy even if I say so myself.
A switch went off in my head and I resolved to find out more.
International phone calls were really expensive in the 90's so I went to to pick up some airmail letter cards. I wrote her a letter.
I got a reply within a week. The paper she used was scented with what I would later find out was her favourite perfume Chloé,
I cannot smell it now without crying.
I sent her a book as she had shown interest in science, the universe, art, history, so many things. The book was Stephen Hawkin's A Brief History of Time. ( later found out earlier this year that she had never read it! I laughed so much when she confessed, so All the time I had referred to it she was just humouring me. What a lady.)
We corresponded for several months.
I bought a mobile phone just so I could hear her voice. ( One to One mobile phones were new at the time and I must have spent all of my salary on phone bills)
Letters went back and forth for months, I fell in love with her mind. Her interests, her view of the world. I knew how I felt but could not bring myself to let her know how I felt.
One day it just struck me, why was I wasting time? We meshed on all levels, we were friends, we saw the world the same way, we found the same things funny. I had found my missing rib.
All this time I had no Idea what she looked like but she had seen my picture on our company website. So I finally wrote a letter, I admitted how I felt and waited an anxious week for the reply.
Turns out she had felt the same way as I did and had waited for me to make the first move. I also got pictures of her. She was every bit as beautiful as I thought she would be.

19 years ago, I worked for a company that dealt in commodities in the UK. I was quite young but people always told me I had a maturity beyond my years, but I digress. We would try to source these items in large quantities on behalf of the buyer and seller and earn commissions of percentage points when the deals were concluded. It meant a lot of phone calls, faxes, negotiations and talking to a lot of people. I would say 99% of these contacts were a waste of time but one sucessful transaction would keep the office going for the year. On this fateful day, I was given a number to call in Hamburg Germany, that someone was looking to buy a shipload of sugar. If I remember clearly it was 25,000 metric tonnes. I dialled the number I was given and the phone was picked up by a German speaking man. I tried to explain myself only to be told, " sorry no English please hold on". There I was wondering if I was wasting my time again when a lady picked up the phone. " I speak a little English, perhaps I can assist" That voice belonged to the one I would later call wife, friend and soulmate.
There was an instant connection there both on her part and on mine. She later told me I did not sound Nigerian and she was intrigued.
We were both very professional as transactions ensued. But found we had to deal with each other more and more often as she was the only english speaker in her firm.I was extremely impressed by her attention to detail, intelligence, dedication and overall professionalism. In the course of translating documents, contract negotiations and all that stuff we had several conversations where she told me about herself, her hopes and dreams and I obviously reciprocated. She was so easy to talk to and the conversation just flowed. I found myself looking forward to her next call, hoping the buyer of the sugar would renegotiate terms, disagree, anything, just so I could hear her voice. As usual like 99% of all negotiations, the transaction fell apart. As we no longer had business together I kept my peace. I never stopped thinking about her and six months later when I went to work to find a huge bunch of flowers on my desk. She had remembered my birthday and sent me flowers...

Thank you all so much.
Olivialight, jumzzy448, bellong, ihedinobi2, hispinkolo and egopersonified.
I have family and friends, they are just far away at this time. My sister came over for the burial but of course she has to go back to take care of her own family. If I was in England, there would be more than enough family members around.
I am not sure I am the type of person for counseling, I can be quite stubborn and know what I have to do to get through... It is just so difficult.
Thank god for the Internet and connectivity, I have people who try and call, there is Skype and IM but sometimes all you want is someone to just be there beside you in silence and the occasional hug.

@egopersonified, I got married at that age because when I met her I knew this was the woman for me. We actually corresponded for two years before we met face to face. She worked in Germany while I lived and worked in England. Why waste time when you know you have met the one for you? She was not pregnant, I am the only son, yes, but a middle child. Don't query your husband o. Some people need time to make their decisions.

Thank you all so much for the support, you have no idea how much it helps just to express myself here.

Thank you all so much.
@baby124, I am trying to be rational. There are good days and bad days, days when I am unable to function.
One minute I'm taking a meeting and the next crying my eyes out as soon as I am alone.
I have difficulty sleeping but refuse to take the sleeping pills prescribed by my doctor as these could be habit forming.
@bellong and @egopersonified, referring to me as sir, makes me feel so old. I am 42, got married at 25. If we had had children , at least I would still have a part of her to cherish. I was advised to keep a journal but don’t feel like putting pen to paper at this time. I live on my own now. I am not sure I can stand having anyone around just yet especially in the space we shared.
The worst part is going home from work and knowing there’s nobody there to welcome you with a hug also not being able to share experiences.
I tend to spend more time at work now.
My main regret is that I worked so hard when we moved here, I wish I had taken things easier and spent more time with her.

Thank you MARKone, bellong and Caracta.
It really is difficult to find solace or comfort.
It has been seven weeks now and the pain is still intense.
Unfortunately, we moved from the UK to Switzerland three years ago and I have no family or close friends around.
I had family members come over to attend my wife's burial in Germany where she was born but of course, for them life goes on.
Be strong and move on ? That may be too soon. I feel numb and empty and life has lost it's meaning.
Trying to express myself here helps.
I appreciate your kind words.

Thank you egopersonified.

I stumbled on this thread by accident this evening. No that is not true I think i must have been led here by a higher power.
I have been on Nairaland for quite a few years and hardly ever comment or interact.
My wife passed suddenly on the 20th of May and I have been lost without her.
We were married for 17 years, the best years of my life and I have been finding it difficult to cope.
We did not have children so we lived for each other. My life revolved around her and she was my soul mate.
All I am and have achieved has been because of her support and love and I am bereft without her.
Losing her is the hardest thing and worst pain I have ever experienced.
My mum died almost two years ago, so in the space of two years, I have lost the two most important women in a man's life.
I have returned to work and put on a brave face but the tears are never far and when I return to an empty apartment I fall apart all over again.
I have read every page of this thread seeking comfort, a way to cope but the pain is still too much right now.
Serubawon, thank you for your inspirational story of hope and joy rediscovered. I am really happy for you.
Thank you for showing that there is hope if one remains steadfast.

OP, I am not convinced by your technical knowledge, What is LINUS OS ??

Dear, o dear, o dear.

I do not usually post or comment on this forum but come on!
Niger means black or dark in Latin.
It is from Niger that the word negro is derived.
The Niger was also know as the black river in pre-colonial times.
This is due to the alluvial deposits and soil it carries that now form the Niger delta, one of the largest in the world.
The country was named after the river.
All it means is country of the blacks.

@OP

What Planet are you on?
Those antediluvian ideas of yours have no place in modern society.

I belive the author of the article meant 2 STM s which is equivalent to 155.520 Mbit/s x 2