₦airaland Forum

wirinet:
Any you think most of us men giving you advice here are unhappily married or single?

I learnt from his experience.

And the best thing to do is stay back and think, analyse the situation. Rushing to end the relationship immediately may not be the right idea cos everything staring me on the face are ASSUMPTIONS.

I have been thinking. Okay right now I end the relationship.

Why did I end the relationship?
My babe is cheating on me.
How did I know she is cheating on me?.

On Xmas day she was out with a guy who always call her.

I don't really know how that sound to u?.

I am am staying back for now to clear my head

slumcat:
Kindly note that not all married men are wise. Lots of married women are being fvcked daily... They are also married to some so called 'men'.

You can find these women on Instagram and Facebook flaunting their bodies, following and professing their love for male celebrities. Some look decent, but they're still cheats. Their marriages look clean until they're caught... Just like the FCMB scandal.

Since your so called fiancee has confessed that he gives her money, you should know that he fvcks her in return. It's simple mathematics. But no, you will keep blaming yourself.
There's something that guy has that you lack and she is very willing to give up your proposal to keep getting it. It could be money or a big d!ck...or both.

I repeat, you're too mumu to be married in today's Nigeria. Guys will finish your wife with d!ck. You've already started hacking her phone before marriage. After marriage your suspicions will increase. Anytime she goes out you will be restless and your blood pressure will be very high until she gets back. You will likely die from high blood pressure before you clock 40.

You are naturally foolish but I will do my best to instill some artificial sense into your coconut head.

Be wise.
Get sense.
Don't be a DNA victim.

U sound ''logical'. Just logical like every other advise I have been hearing.
Before I dropped this here I already knew what I will get. Dump her, she is a cheat. Crucify her she is a dog. Do this and that. When you read my beginning, I said 'constructive'.


I remember in my final year, my babe almost killed herself cos of a chat I was having with a lady. She accused me of cheating. But truth is she was just a friend, I haven't even kissed her let alone sex. She ended the relationship cos of that.

Assumptions which was what I have been having in my head. No matter how u want to see, she will still claim innocent cos she hasn't been caught in the act.


Dropping this here gave me understanding of something.
I have also learnt that in every situation, don't rush to act. Stay back, analyse the situation and u will get a clearer picture which will make u act better. I am still grateful for what happened cos it gave me a clearer picture.

Brotherly, in the course of this, I have also realised my mistake which is capable of tearing any relationship down.
I have taken time to work on them. I have learnt

One thing is sure, I will come out from this setback a better person. And this will make my relationship with her or someone else better.

Serene123:
You clearly stated everything. I over reacted. At a point. I can't even Imagined I had to hack her phone. That was mad. I am ashame of that. I became toxic. Created many assumptions in my head.

While reading comments here, I finally realised my own mistakes. Even the incident that led to the dragging of phones, I now realised I could have acted more maturely then and prevented what happen.

We make mistakes, and I have learnt from my mistakes. I will talk to her on a good day about everything that's my suspicious.

Those saying I should leave her, I understand them. Those saying I be mumu, simp, I understand them.

But I know there ain't a steroptype way of resolving issues.
I am seeing this as an obstacle.

But I ask, does running away from obstacle the only way of solving obstacles.

Maybe is cos a woman is involve here. What if it was a guy doing this, what will the lady be asked to do.

I understand women are being painted in a bad light in our generation. If you fix your mind in this, you won't have a woman in your life.

Hence I am carefully taking my time in making any decision.

For now, we need space

A married man dropped his number here and we spoke at 3am till 6 am.
He told me he has similar situation like mine. Ended his relationship cos of assumptions due to calls he was seeing.

He spoke to me maturely and while he was speaking, I saw my own self and my errors. They are happily married.

He advise I give it time. That's what I am doing

binarykid:
I am a guy and I will be candid with my opinion. YOU MIGHT BE OVER REACTING!!!
YES! i know what is trending now, YES! I know we are all quick to accuse every lady that we suspect of being unfaithful but YOU MIGHT BE OVER REACTING!.
I Say this categorically cos I know a couple that had almost similar issue and the guy messed everything up cos of his 'insecurity'.
The moment you keep checking her messages, snooping on her social media accounts, check for everything and anything, my guy, your heart would always lead you to see (and continue) seeing what you are looking for. Honestly at some point you might feel that you are losing your mind cos of different thoughts.

She is obviously hiding her phones and other stuffs cos she already knows you are snooping and that you would read unnecessary meaning into whatever you see. You can't just ask her to break a friendly relationship based on your own insecurities. (That's selfish)

Solution: Call your girl, apologize to her, have a heart to heart discussion with her (let her know your fears) and then analyze her response. Also ask her to introduce you to that "her friend".

In relationships nothing is entirely guaranteed. The person that is giving you attention now and you are already catching feelings hmmmm do you know the kind of bones she has in her pot?.

Calm down and take a deep breadth. From your description, you obviously have a good woman and you know it but your insecurities wants to mess things up. I hope you make the best decision for yourselves.

Peace!!!

You clearly stated everything. I over reacted. At a point. I can't even Imagined I had to hack her phone. That was mad. I am ashame of that. I became toxic. Created many assumptions in my head.

While reading comments here, I finally realised my own mistakes. Even the incident that led to the dragging of phones, I now realised I could have acted more maturely then and prevented what happen.

We make mistakes, and I have learnt from my mistakes. I will talk to her on a good day about everything that's my suspicious.

Those saying I should leave her, I understand them. Those saying I be mumu, simp, I understand them.

But I know there ain't a steroptype way of resolving issues.
I am seeing this as an obstacle.

But I ask, does running away from obstacle the only way of solving obstacles.

Maybe is cos a woman is involve here. What if it was a guy doing this, what will the lady be asked to do.

I understand women are being painted in a bad light in our generation. If you fix your mind in this, you won't have a woman in your life.

Hence I am carefully taking my time in making any decision.

For now, we need space

slumcat:
You too mumu.

Thank you

adexpa:
You are the most kid here. Every advice you guys give is all about someone to leave, you guys don't know that leaving is not always a solution to every problems. You are asking him to leave as if you have one saint sister to give him, which one of these girls is saint. See, immediately you agree to the terms "marriage" you need to format all the idea of perfect/saint woman........no human is saint, we just need someone that can be contained and corrected.
It's not bad if she is ready to adjust

I didn't expect less when I came here. Nairalanders will never tell you to work out stuff.

I have digested the whole comments and decided to give her time to think.

desmond827:
bro i really wanna advice u ..u see all what happen to u happen to me also
bro i wont lye for u there is something going wrong
i also scanned my girl what app on my phone and i see all the chat infact the guy hv sex him once but ..immediately i noticed
i locked my heart and i showed her all what she did ....she was shocked ..i laught..i told despite your promises so you cheated ..well its fine
.
but i told her have it at the back of your mind that we cant married if you u will accept no problem
she accepted and and i forgive her and we are having fun and i hv v careful of myself not to turn to pregnant?
..lock your hearth and keep silent ..dating a cheating partner is like throwing your happiness and digging grave for your self
..shes deleting message as my girl too do ..onces shes online i login straight on what app web and shes deleting immediately
bro dont fall for her again ..leave her for the new guy ..dont disturb her and always take 2 bottle of trophy everyday life goes on

Two bottle of trophy everyday.

Bros you wan kee me

milky3:
why are guys here so bittered and mean? some of u can't be a good judge.... @Op you actually know what u want without anybody's opinion. give her time (maximum a month) and if she doesn't see a need to come back for u definitely she's no longer interested.

.


Bless you. That's exactly my plan.

frozen70:
The heart is always in need of its opposite sex, its meant not to be alone

Am glad you didn't see anything to hold against her over that guy in question

If you think you want to go on with another girl while giving her time to cool off, go ahead, even men are not faithful from the beginning of life

She definitely have other admirers but with time she will lay them off after marriage

If you think you have gotten another woman, wait and see what you will discover in her

Don't rush give yourself time

But learn to trust your woman, if you treat a woman well even without spending a kobo, she will not have any reason to cheat

Don't judge her too quickly
You know what.?

What?.

Go on, I am learning

Siberry:
Most of the advice here are from insecure men, please shove their advice up where the su doesn't shine.

My husband lives in Nigeria and I live in the UK, and he's always accusing me of one thing or the other. I'm full time job and schooling full time at thw same, and I don't even have time for myself not talk of cheating on him. I get at 5am, read before I start work and I do lectures during the day as well. After work and lectures, at night I catch up recordd lectures and do assessments. I barely even have time to eat, yet this man accuses me of cheating whenever he calls and I don't pick up. Sure his friends just like many men on thos post will swear to him that I'm cheating. Now whenever he accuses of rubbish like that, I give him silent treatment for many days. My head is already full, and I don't want him stressing me out again with some stupid cheating accusations. Mind you that alll these are based on assumptions

The story here is don't allow these men on here ruin your happiness.

From your write up, it looks like you only engaged her because of the money she puts into the relationship. If this case was reversed, you lot would call the girl a gold digger.

Now ask yourself these geniune questions: Do you really love her or the money she brings in? Do you really miss her or the money she brings in? Do you have proof that she is cheating on you? Let your answers help you make the best decision.

Money she brings in?.

You misunderstood it Ma. I just stated her readiness to build a home with me by getting somethings. Not that she brings in a lot of money to confuse me. I am the one bringing in the money.

I haven't really gotten an evidence despite the chats , just the calls.
Yes I love her.

Just like u said, I now understand people handles things differently.
I will give her the time she wants, when she come back then we will renegotiate.
Thbaks for your opinions

greatstephenho:
my brother you can only pretend to be calm if you don't love her. I understand how you feel and don't blame yourself for your reaction it will unvail the evil that would have befallen you after marriage. Stay put to the time she wants you to give her if she is for you she will definitely come back.

Forget this people saying she is being bleeped by the new guy, nothing might be going on and something might be going on but don't think about that it will only weigh you down.

Thanks Bro. That's exactly what I am doing

Wooow. It has be really interesting here.
Thanks to everyone that have giving their opinions.

Please those of you sending me mails, I hope is not for me to give you how you can hack your partner phone?.
Dont waste your time, I won't do that. I wish I never knew it before.

Secondly, let's learn to comment reasonably. The name calling and abuse is so unnecessary. Too immature.

Thirdly, I realised that when it comes to relationships stuff here, many people give advise with emotions.

Lastly, I am not calling her to end the relationship. She has my ring and she earned it. I have decided to give her the space she needs. But I have set a time frame for it to expired. When she is done, she will call and we will talk about everything and give her my condition.

Thanks once again.

ubola:
Guy, follow your heart. Relationship is built on trust, stop the discreet investigation and go for what you want. From your write up, she helps out in certain areas and you love her. The guy in question might be her financier not necessarily a bedmate. To the best of my knowledge a woman has the ability to say no to a man to the extent of the man helping her out financially not minding he's actually getting anything in return. I have supported one of my exes with 50k during her Tm, but had never slept with her in our 1yr of dating. She turned down all my advances for sex, yet I loved her more than my main babe cos of certain xteristics I saw. At a point we became very good friends that my main babe knew her and we all became like a family. There's no girl you'll meet that never had a relationship before meeting you except the ones you deflowered. Act wisely in order not to lost a gold fish. Keep sending messages to her, break that gap between you and her immediately, the devil fights what is good. The Biblical Sampson killed the lion while on his way to Marry, so every marriage has a lion to be killed.So better kill yours now.

. Thanks Bro

Yadid:
[color=#770077][/color]When opinions are expressed from a place of stereotype and prejudice, they can be very harmful.

Look into the situation carefully and critically bro. For every negative doubt, give a benefit of positive doubt also. Most of the comments up there are condemning, not critical. There is no one size fits all advice or principle when it comes to relationships. Have it at the back of your mind that this is a peculiar case. In the spirit of fairness, consider humanity before gender stereotypes. You have taken quite a number of wrong steps already. An ideal man does not snoop or snitch. You have done both already.

Way forward? Be disinterested and you shall see everything clearly. I repeat, be disinterested. NOT UNINTERESTED. Once you are disinterested, she will give herself away. Females by nature cannot handle mystery. If you still don't get the gist I can explain further.

Issa simpu sturv!

Explain further Bro

lordswill03:
I had exactly similar experience! Now I'm married to her.... Alot to tell you but then can't type here. If you can send me a chat on 08038322116

I will do that right away. Thanks

anochuko01:
I want to assume the guy is a toaster but the girl still likes you. She's just enjoying the attention from the other guy, but if the said guy is a jagaban, he may find his way into your girl's pants or heart.
Wait for her to get her senses back then give her the option of choosing either you or the guy. Simple

Thanks. I don't think he is toaster. They are friends and he gives her money. I think he is an older guy.

I have decided to let her be though

doris4u:
Sorry for derailing , how do u hack one's WhatsApp without having access to the phone

.

LOL. I am not saying shit about that

EduTechTainMent:
This action ain't cool. Why on earth would you hack her account. If you can go this far during courtship, I can imagine what you would do when you eventually get married to her. It's natural to be protective of what you cherish, but there is a thin line between love and obsession; between being moderately possessive and destructively jealous. Suspicion ain't healthy in any human relationship. The foundation of every relationship should be built on mutual love, respect and trust.

I also fault her though. Since she is committed to you and plans on getting married to you, there is a limit to what she should allow the opposite sex do.

If i say what I think you should do, this thread will be derailed.

Wish you the best.

Yea, I regretted it. Cos I didn't even get any evidence of cheating from her chats. It pains me I did that. She forced me to. I have learnt though

Maybe I should write any thread to explain better. But drop fdop your comment, I will cherish it

Dirakamara:
Guy...if u like listen to nairaland guys advice.....they will make u end ur relationship and u might end up with someone worst. Be sure of any accusations b4 making a drastic decision... Thanks

I know nah. Check my quote, and see those I reply to.

I haven't seen any evidence. But something is going on.

I suspect is an older man. That's it

skyreaper:
Bro, you seem like a good man and normally I will usually read post like this and get one or two points from commentary then move to the next but I'll share my quarter. To be truthful, she may like you and she's only with you because you are the next available guy for marriage to her, that guy she calls and talk to everyday is who she really love. Forget the sacrifice you think she has done for you and even if she has had sex with you or you even disvirgined her or she bought things for your future home, it doesn't mean a thing to her. You are probably a relationship she's waiting to fall apart. Its just like a lady I did everything for, spent on, made comfortable but she has a friend that is always telling her, I'm only spoiling her to get under her pants, im too nice to her because that's how people pretend, nice people eventually change in marriage, she may even say you were pretending before and it's now she knew your attitude, thank God she didn't rush into marriage. Now whatever you do, she's only seeing the ulterior motive, the guy is probably brain washing her and using her to pass time, she went out with him on a special occasion and she lied about it to you is enough sign for you. Pls move on, she doesn't feel the same thing again and the truth is she never felt anything from the start. Pls if the second lady is someone you like, give the relationship a chance and trust me, she will use this second lady as another reason to break up with you that you were cheating on her that u were only seeing what you are doing.

All she's looking for now is a reason to break up with you without becoming her fault.

Pls if you are looking for a long term relationship with a lady, let her be the one to want you, let her be the one to want marriage, don't force it down her throat. Make sure you likes you with no reason and be wary of ladies that has lots of female friends or a lady that has a guy they call their best friend and pls don't date kids, its not about age, make sure the lady is matured in the mind.

God bless, you don't need to thank me, I look forward to your marriage post with someone that deserves you

I read your comments and pick out something.
Let me buttress, she doesn't have much friends and bestie before. The only thing there is that she is young. 22. She feels she still have enough time. She has said something like that.

But I can tell you that she wanted to be with me. She wanted the marriage. We have met with parents. But I guess something change along the line.
Her taste for money. We don't stay in same state.

She ain't getting close to the guy for Bleep or relationship, nah money. I sense the guy is older. Cos even their calls no gel well. No WhatsApp chats

bethyz:
Give her type forget those telling you she is knacking this and that . They dont have any serious relationship everything na knacking according to them.


But wait oo you engage person you are not ready to marry just yet. Since last year.when last year?

LOL. Who says I wasn't ready to marry. Last year was just few weeks ago ohhh

mistijude:
Hmmmm, with this your statement, I want to believe you are a child or don't know woman enough.What does it take someone to chat and delete instantly?

LOL. You are the child here. If u don't know anything, ask and stop displaying ignorance

Mac2016:
Bro, be very very careful and watchful but stop reacting just watch, you will be glad you did.
You will surely make a discovery. She's been deleting her chat, some thing seems to be up her sleeves, I may be wrong but be very watchful and stop reacting. Don't marry yet sha

.

There is no discovery. She isn't deleting any chat. Can't you guys just understand the plain language when I said I had her WhatsApp for months.

Is like u reading my WhatsApp the moment it drops. There are other WhatsApp there to read that I can't be talking about.

Truth is, I didn't get any evidence on her phone. The calls too werent convincing.
Truth is, she don't wanna be with guy. Could be an older man. She just needed the money

Xtabellah:
Hey hi, I know how you feel, but just take a chill pill, first I would advice you inform her parents of these developments so they could talk to her.. And yh someone was right when he said she and the guy might not be chatting, there is something I would like you to know about ladies, one way to get to a lady heart is attention, which is not by chatting, its by constant calls till she grows very comfortable ,and no call from you in a day could make her heart beat faster.. But I am not saying she is cheating please note.... Talk to her and let her know with the way things are going you might be forced to call off the engagement, ask her would she be comfortable if you are also calling a girl like that?
Lastly, don't answer those that said you should call the guy, he is not your problem, if your babe is loose to allow him, he is enjoying himself.. Work on your babe.

.


Truth. I asked for advise yes. But I already know what I will get from Nairaland. Insults and the rest. Most people think is easy to handle emotional issue until they afe there.
Due to constraint, I won't be able to state everything here.
We have spoken about this for a long time. She has said is nothing. From their conversation self there is nothing. But I realised she don't even wanna be with the guy. Nah Money she dey collect from the guy. She has told me that the guy gives her money. I come to understand is all these older men things and it hurt me more. That was what led to my reaction.
As it stands now, I have ddcdied to let her be till she is done with her thinking then we talk. If there isn't any chance for that, I move on

Vanzcharles:
I advise you slow things down. Any marriage preparations and the rest. Watch her for more period of time.
WhatsApp is not the only message text I hope you know that. We have the normal message text app, hangouts, email, Facebook messenger, fb app e.t.c... Don't be carried out on WhatsApp only.
Her holding her phone signifies so many things. I will just stop here for now.

I won't be defending her here. But her phone, i have access to it same as her. Is not an issue there.

I am happy this happened. I have slowed down. When she is done, she will return home, we will talk.
Thanks for your reply

oginga:
@ OP. That's a red flag that you should not ignore, she's been bonking the said guy big time.

Dump the public dog as fast as you can before you fall into deep sh**t... Cheats never change, they only improve on covering their tracks.

Forget love bro, think of your peace of mind, your mental health and sanity, your life as an individual person.

You can go on and marry a coded prostitute, which may end up bringing an illegitimate child into your house and life. That's if you don't die before your time... All the best bro! .

You must not call someone despicable names before dishing out advise.

Dont you have home training?.

Learn Bro

adexpa:
It is not easy brother, I can see that it is very difficult for you to finalize your conclusion, I can feel your pain.
I will advice you sit her down and have a concrete conversation ( you are not comfortable with the call so she must stop the relationship for your peace of mind). She can not decided to be with you and still have extra affairs. You need to clarify all these before going ahead. If she insist, you can find your way out.
Human being can be dangerous; she might have agreement with the guy not to chat nor text her.
Make all your findings before going ahead. Many women are not ready to be totally committed to a man any longer.

...

Thanks. Your submission has been concrete without throwing tantrums.
I wonder why many can't give advise here without name calling.

I have decided to let her be with her thoughts. I will get myself engage with something else.

If she is ready, she will call me and I will give her my terms and conditions. Call the guy there and end it. If she agree, good, if not I move.

Thanks again brother

SocialJustice:
As the guy talk that thing I know say na lefu lefu mumu, I won't be surprised if he still marries her.

Have u hacked someone WhatsApp chat b4?


If u haven't, then keep calm bro.
Whenever she is online, I get notified and read everything she is typing

I am yet to see any evidence between her and that guy.

Mryacks:
Sometimes people don't realise that before you come to a point of agreeing to get hitched with another person there has to be sacrifices. She has to know that somethings have to give. She is not ready to give up a "friendship" with a Male friend(she is gaining somethin)whilst been engaged to you even though you politely told her you don't like it.

My take is that she is not mentally ready or matured to compromise on that front. So it is up to you, if it is something you want to tolerate because u love her or want to still give her time to be ready.

That's what I sense. But this is someone that planning the whole stuff with me. She gave me reason to put that ring on her finger.

DICKstractor:
What's on your mind right now

Confuse

Haven't seen tangible evidence against her and the guy despite hacking her phone and reading all her chats for months.

Just the call that put me off. And the call have continued for months

I am torn between believing her or just calling it off.

DICKstractor:
You don't need to be calm and let her do her wish. It will hurt later if you find out what you suspected in the past was actually true. Bless God, you guys are still in the courtship period. It's a period you tell your intended partner the kind of chaffs in their life that you cant take and you find out which you can still cope with.

If she's actually cheating, she's covering her tracks well. Have you checked her sms.

But as I said before, all this you thinking might be wrong. But you still need to investigate very well to clear your mind.

Her chats, sms, messenger all clean.

Someting happened and her WhatsApp was showing on my phone for months without her knowing. I didn't see a single chat with the guy.
Not one.

extol1:
bro, she is deleting the messages after their chat. and u think they will just be making calls without chatting when it is not business dealing

Not chat. I can attest to that. I secretly had her WhatsApp on my phone for like a month without her ntoitce.

I saw other chats, but not that of the guy