Hello luvinghubby,

I am experiencing some problems with my 2008 Honda Accord.

It all started after I took it to a mechanic for routine maintenance having just bought it. When he scanned it, the Rocker arm code came up. He said it wasn't a big deal and that we could fix it later. Since I didn't know what the rocker arm was, I assumed it was a minor problem and we fixed other things (like changing the oil).

The problem is that the car has been giving me problems since then. It loses power at intervals; particularly when I am driving up a hill or rough terrain. I didn't suspect it had anything to do with the scanning at that time. I went back to this same mechanic (by then, I had changed fuel pumps because that was my immediate layman's diagnosis) and he told me I had a bad catalyst. He asked for 15k to 'work it' and I gave him, all to no avail.

I later removed the catalyst, prepared to pay the fuel consumption penalty as long as the car would stop losing power.

Yesterday, I called him and he said the problem was from the rocker arm. I then remembered that he never erased the error code when it came up and that these problems started after he scanned the car and it popped up.

Is there a way out of this that does not involve opening the engine and damaging more components? The nature of my job makes it difficult for me to stay with a mechanic when he is working on my car.

Thanks.

Looks like a Boomslang to me.

That awkward moment when you actually mean to say:

'Thank you my dear. Miss you so' and then you go through what you've posted and it says:

'Thank you my desire. Miss you so'.

Smart phones and oversabi...

lionphil:
We had Mr omopariola...modified to omopariete. Because he had very big lips.

We called him Etepariola...

1. Lagos.
2. Oyo.
3. Ondo.
4. Ekiti.
5. Kwara.
6. Osun.
7. Ogun.
8. Akwa Ibom.
9. Edo.
10. Rivers.
11. Cross River.
12. Kaduna.
13. Katsina.
14. Imo.
15. Abia.
16. Kogi.
17. Plateau.
18.Benue.
19. Nasarawa.
20. Enugu.
21. Niger.
22. List does not include FCT.

aboyaji:
7.Actually: This is one of the words in English that is ‘actually’ the most overused. Some people ‘actually’ use ‘actually’ hundreds of times while telling a story or having a discussion. The word ‘actually’ means, “as the truth or facts of a situation” or “used to emphasize that something someone has said or done is surprising”, but it is used to start almost every statement in Nigeria, whether it fits or not.


Actually ke... Mortuary ni

Ehnnnn! Ashually....

Nile Perch...

Hulk Hogan and Donald Trump are both members of the WWE Hall of Fame; Hogan for being the biggest wrestling star of all time and Donald Trump for shaving Vince McMahon’s hair (or something like that). They have both uttered statements that have rubbed other ethnic, racial and religious groups the wrong way. Their statements made nearly a year apart from each other have brought to the fore the tenuous nature of ethnic, racial and religious relations in America and indeed the rest of the world. Hogan’s statements were made in private and captured on tape. Trump’s statements however, have been made in public on several occasions. Yet, it is Hogan’s statements that have received unanimous condemnation while Donald Trump’s statements have been met with no more than a few serious voices of dissent. ‘The Donald’ even has the tacit support of a sizeable number of Americans and may become American President if Hilary Clinton is careless enough. Hogan has apologised in public for statements made in private yet we are nowhere near bestowing our forgiveness on this grappler. My focus will be on Hogan and the self-righteous ire and condemnation that greeted the news that the ‘Hulkster’ had been a bad boy! As for Trump’s statements, let me just say we will get back to that later.

So, how best to start with the Immortal Hulk Hogan?

Like some people reading this, my initiation into the world of Wresting Entertainment (it was the WWF in those days) in the 80s was influenced by the sight of this 6 foot 8 behemoth flexing his ‘other-worldy’ muscles and ripping his yellow singlet into shreds. Terry Gene Bollea spoke in a gruff voice and asked kids to say their prayers, take their vitamins (whatever that meant) and believe in themselves. Hogan had a tan so good a lot of people thought the ‘Hulkster’ was black! How we ever thought a blonde with a non-existent hairline could be black is beyond the most discernable of fellows but Hogan somehow pulled it off. Thus began the journey of the first wrestler to really unite racial divides of the wrestling world. Forget Rocky Johnson, forget Tony Atlas, forget the fact that black wrestlers were poorly represented in the wrestling world at that time; non-whites had their Champion! When that entrance music came on and they heard the opening strokes of the guitar, followed by the opening line ‘when it comes crashing down and it hurts inside...’, they forgot they were cheering for a tanned, white, 6 foot 8 blonde from California (weighing 303 pounds).

Heck! Hogan even spoke like ‘one of them’.

“Let me tell you something brother!”

“Yo! Hulkamaniacs!”

Hogan’s impressive physique is the stuff of legend but so also was the unmatched charisma and so we overlooked the fact that our favourite superstar could not wrestle out of a box or that the ‘Hulkster’s’ matches never went beyond 10 minutes. A typical Hulk Hogan match was no wrestling clinic (if one wanted art in the WWF in those days, there was more to be witnessed in matches featuring the Hart Foundation, {especially Bret ‘the Hitman’ Hart} the British Bulldogs {particularly the Dynamite Kid Tom Billington although Davey Boy Smith got better with time}, Curt Henning also known as Mr Perfect, the Macho Man Randy Savage, Ricky ‘the Dragon’ Steam Boat, Jake ‘the Snake’ Roberts, the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibease, Ravishing Rick Rude, the Rockers, Ole Anderson and Harley Race). Usually, Hogan’s matches showcased the ‘Hulkster’ getting beaten for over 80% of the entire duration and suddenly ‘hulking up’ (that part of the match where the other wrestler’s punches and kicks elicited no pain). Our 6 foot 8 tanned blonde would then throw a couple of punches, followed by an Irish whip, a big boot and the worst finisher ever created; the leg drop. There were no dropkicks, no submission holds (Hogan did apply a reverse chin lock on the Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania 6) or mat skills; the ‘Hulkster’s’ matches went beyond those basic requirements. Hogan simply made us believe in ourselves by rising from the ashes to win matches against much bigger opponents. Hulkamania connected with the crowd like no other and when Andre the Giant (another all-time great) got body-slammed at Wrestlemania 3, an already wild fire simply got wilder. Hogan became an institution, a monument and the bearer of the Pro-wrestling torch. This was despite the fact that Hogan’s fans knew their hero was not the best of wrestlers. Hulkamania’s sheer pulling power outweighed all that.

The Immortal one’s popularity spanned 2 hot decades and when age set in and mobility naturally got affected, it was time to leave Vince McMahon’s WWF for Ted Turner’s WCW. Even at that, Hogan still possessed enough magnetism and stardust to push WCW ahead of the WWF. When the WCW collapsed and was swallowed by Vince McMahon’s WWE (the World Wild Life Fund had by then legally acquired the WWF name), Hulk Hogan returned to a different wrestling world but still showed at Wrestlemania 18 (at the age of 49) against the Rock, that the ‘Hulkster’ could draw the fans.

Hulkamania’s star-power was simply too much to fade and after a long over-due induction into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2005 and a couple of new gimmicks (like the Mr America programme), it was was expected that the Hulkster would be some sort of wrestling ‘Babe Ruth’, who would work backstage, wrestle once in a while, make a pile of money for Vince, ignite the crowd and fulfil the wishes of young fans (and younger Wrestlers like Edge whose dream it was to work with Hulk Hogan). Between 2005 and 2015, the bond between Hogan and the WWE would be severed and re-established on a number of occasions, even leading to the ‘Hulkster’ taking part in the only other credible promotion to rival the WWE, the TNA (Total Non-stop Action Wrestling). Hogan’s fanbase was a racial melting pot. Surely, no other wrestler had ever been so universally supported so what could possibly go wrong?

Unfortunately for Hogan, things went wrong very fast.

The first was the sextape. Now do not get me wrong, celebrity sextapes are two for a penny these days, no thanks to the rather vigorous efforts of Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Still, it was strange to have Hulk Hogan and sextape mentioned in the same sentence. Hogan had earlier courted TV popularity with the family in tow; Linda and kids, Brooke and Nick in the series ‘Hogan knows best’. Nick in particular had been involved in a tragic accident that had left a friend on permanent life support so Hogan was no stranger to the celebrity disease in Hollywood. Obviously, the sextape incident was a tough one to swallow for crushed fans who simply could not relate to this side of Hogan. Still, even if they were uneasy about it, they would have gladly bestowed forgiveness upon their hero. Afterall, it was meant to be a private tape which was maliciously released by Gawker Media, a company against whom Hogan recently secured a $115 million verdict for releasing the tape.We all own our private lives and would do whatever we want in private.

As the great Professor Akin Oyebode said while we were in class one day:

‘The law should have nothing to do with what a man does in his bedroom’.

Let us rephrase that to read:

‘The society should have nothing to do with what a man does in his bedroom’.

People would have gotten over this other side of Hogan which was not meant for prying eyes but Hogan’s problem was not the sextape, it had more to do with the words uttered in it. In the tape, Hogan seemed particularly distraught by the fact that Brooke was dating a black man,’ a ‘f&*king ni&&er’ as the ‘Hulkster’ so emphatically put it. The differences between a talented black man (or ‘ni&&er’) and a ‘no-talent’ black man like the one Brooke was seeing were carefully explained. In short, Hogan sounded like a bigot; like a caveman from an era far removed from ours; one where people sang ‘Eeny, meeny, miney, mo, catch a ni&&er by the toe…’ (Yes, one of the most popular rhymes has a racist version) and acquired hunting licenses just so they could participate in ‘Ni&&erHunting Season’.

In the first place, making a racist comment, whether in public or private is not to be advised. What Hogan did was very wrong. One should however not be too quick to slate the man for doing what a lot of us do in private. The only problem here is that the ‘Hulkster’ was caught doing it. I mean let us face it, how many of us do not display some form of racial, ethnic and religious prejudice in private even if we do not try to force our friends and family members to do the same? How many Christians do not refer to Muslims as terrorists and how many Muslims do not refer to Christians as infidels? There are individuals who flood an establishment with their ‘people’ as soon as they gain a foothold. Let us analyze an imaginary white CEO. Do non-whites (Africans, African-Americans and Asians) have the same opportunities as whites in the company or do they have to work twice as hard? What about women? Do they even stand a chance in the Firm? What about South Americans? Can they really trust that ‘Gr%ngo’?. To some of them, calling a black man ‘n*gro’ is a way of life. Just ask Luis Suarez. There are racist groups (both black and white) who forbid any form of interaction (especially those of the sexual kind) with other races. The skin-heads in Russia? Hitler’s Nazi Party and their Aryan values? There are even rumours of entire families who inter-marry because they do not want their ‘gene-pool’ polluted! What about Royal families who forbid marriage to commoners just to protect their blue blood?

During a Psychology course which was an elective subject in my 2nd year, the focus was on prejudice. Here, the then Dr. S.O Adebayo (now Professor) analysed four types of people; the unprejudiced non-discriminator, the prejudiced non-discriminator, the unprejudiced discriminator and the prejudiced discriminator. We will use the four headings and then embellish with a basic understanding of the categorization.

In the first category, the subject has nothing against people of a particular class, race, religion or ethnic group. The individual does not bother them and may even resist any attempts at discrimination by others. Subject is a citizen of the world who is not influenced by race, ethnicity or religion and encourages family and friends to emulate such unprecedented behaviour. You do not need to legally force this individual to eschew prejudice; subject is naturally unprejudiced and represents the very pinnacle of human existence. Naturally, this person is very rare to find and is probably in heaven or somewhere. It is unknown if such a person has ever existed on planet earth.

In the second category, the subject hates people of a particular race, religion or ethnic group but does well to hide this. Subject would rather avoid these people. An example is where a prejudiced Christian is forced to work in an environment full of Muslims. The Christian cannot influence other people and turn them against these individuals because such a move will backfire. If you were to have a conversation with this individual however, you would be really scared of the infinite depths of impotent morbid passion. Subject is a seething bigot; a caged animal. This person wants nothing more than an opportunity to take a bite out of the source of aggravation. How lucky for them that the subject is kept in check by law and civilisation and can do nothing while the prejudicial fire burns brightly within.

In the third category, the subject has nothing substantial against people of a particular class, race, ethnic group or religion. Subject however discriminates against them at every turn, not out of desire but out of necessity. An example is where an individual of igbo extraction has nothing against Yorubas but is forced to discriminate against them because other igbos will manhandle any igbo who assists a Yoruba. The events described could also be vice-versa. It could be a Caucasian who is forced to discriminate against black people because of the immediate environment, or a Christian forced to deny assistance to a Muslim because Christians are not allowed to help Muslims in that environment. Either way, this subject inflicts a lot of pain on people of that particular class, race, ethnic group or religion although the pain is not intended. The individual is like a government paid executioner who kills condemned prisoners; the executioner has nothing against the prisoners but executes them because society requires commands it.

In the final category, the subject is the result of ‘prejudice’ meeting ‘opportunity’. Here, the already present prejudice against a particular class, race, religion or ethnic group is given room to thrive. Such opportunity could be through political office, the pulpit or unlimited finance. It could even come through parentage or corporate ownership. Whatever the source might be, the subject is in a position to give vent to prejudiced spleen. It is like a Bull let loose in the China shop; or a fox with fire on its tail let loose in the vine. It is like setting the cat among the pigeons; all hell will be let loose! A leader of a country (like Adolf Hitler) uses the opportunity to exterminate people perceived as lesser humans. The newly appointed CEO of a company uses this opportunity to get rid of all Hausa/Fulaniindividuals in the company or simply discriminates against them until they leave. Another CEO might want to pick workers only from Ivy League Universities. Workers who do not meet these requirements could be constructively eased out. A Chief of Army Staff places an embargo on the recruitment of soldiers of a particular faith while the new African-American head of a multi-national company decides to stop appointing ‘whites’ because more ‘blacks’ are needed. A particular leader forbids women from driving! Parents prevent their children from marrying from a particular class, religion, ethnic group or race. Such people go out of their way to ensure that their prejudice is given life. They form and fund ethnic, religious or racial groups or militias and make life unbearable for their targets. It is like planting seeds in fertilized loamy soil; the results are fruitful! A fine example is Donald Trump who has championed a ‘shut-out’ of Muslims from America until the ISIS mess is sorted out. ‘The Donald’ obviously feels there are too many Mexicans in America. Apparently, in the mind of ‘The Donald’, Mexicans strut around with their entire families, blowing Mexican horns, eating burritos and chasing Chihuahuas. Somehow, that is supposed to constitute a security risk. I will leave you to guess what he said about Nigerians.

Hulk Hogan belongs to the second category. He is a closet bigot whose inadequacies were well hidden from the public until the sextape was released. He has racist views but does not have the opportunity to cause any physical, financial or emotional harm.

I visit a lot of websites, both foreign and local and trust me when I tell you, there is a hint of bigotry in every one of us (obviously more pronounced in some than in others) and only God knows what some of us say or do in private. Only God knows what category we belong to and what atrocities we have committed but I assure you, some people are seriously sick and need urgent help. We have people who were simply brought up that way; they were born into racist families and learned ‘hate’ in front of a camp fire at the feet of their parents. Others learned to hate and abuse women while guzzling through cans of beer (6 packs) with their fathers in front of the TV (watching Monday Night football). There are men who see women and only picture their Lady parts! In this age where we have women Presidents and Chancellors and might even have a woman as the world’s most powerful leader, there are some men who still believe a woman’s legs are only meant to take her to the kitchen and the bedroom! Contrary to popular belief, these men are not in some backwater African or Asian country, there are in advanced countries you do not even want to begin to guess!

While we contemplate our guilt and recount the number of times our prejudice has gotten the better of us, it is advised that we consider the fact that there are a lot of people much worse than Hulk Hogan around. They exhibit what this writer would like to call active manipulative prejudice. You see them everyday in churches, mosques, the civil service, multi-national companies, your profession, your families, on the TV screen, your place of work, etc. Some of them are Presidents, some are all powerful CEOs, some are Presidential candidates who seem to have problems with Mexicans and Africans and yes, some are filthily rich. Black footballers get called all sorts of names in Spain and Italy. Some have even had bananas thrown at them. Asians, particularly Chinese and Japanese, are the butt end of some unpalatable jokes (racial and ethnic). What have we done about these incidents? Nothing!

So while one would condemn Hogan for expressing inner thoughts in such colourful terms, such would only be done subtly because the good book says; ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone’. There is no evidence to suggest that efforts were made to further propagate these private views. As a matter of fact, Hogan sounded helpless in the video; like nothing could be done about the fact that Brooke was dating a black man. Some of us can live with that. You know why? Because a lot of black men also have such private racist views about whites. And if you think about the ‘N’ word, the blacks too have the ‘H’ word!

As long as they stay in the closet and keep their bigotry private, we should not have an issue with ‘the Hulk Hogans’. As a matter of fact, when you get right down to it, friends and neighbours, we are just fine with them. Let the harmless closet bigots continue to sulk and watch their outdated views fade away. That is okay as long as their views remain private and they do not try and force others to think and act like them.

It is suggested that we leave Hogan alone and worry more about the brazen rabble-rousers among us who have the capacity to cause World War III if unchecked.

We could also engage in other more fruitful ventures; like an experiment for instance!

The experiment is simple.

If you have never harboured any form of prejudice (no matter how subtle) in your heart, please indicate! For the sake of clarity we mean prejudice (even if subtle) against someone due to class, sex, age, religion, race, health, political views, appearance, nationality or ethnicity!

Ha! Just like I thought. You ‘bottled' it.

We are all pretenders anyway.

Ironically, this will only make the song even more popular.

I am surprised the Nissan Maxima (any model from 1996-2004) is not on this list. Had a 2002 SE (3.5 V6) sometime back and all I can say is hmmmmmm!

I shudder at the way Ronaldo and Messi shake goal-charts these days but everytime I think they are the greatest of all time, I remind myself that these records have been compiled at a time when attacking players have received more protection from referees.

The likes of Marco Van Basten received little or no protection from referees and suffered career-ending injuries because of that. I sometimes wonder what he and the likes of Ronaldo (the original) would have achieved in these modern times (with goal-line technology, red cards for the slightest body contact and relaxed offside rules). Fans of Pele, Puskas, Di Stefano and Eusebio will tell you that these men played with footballs that were probably twice as heavy as the balls currently used.

An expert header of the ball, Pele must have had the world's biggest headache after that final in 1958! Think about Arie Haan's goal for Holland at the 1978 World Cup against Italy(the shot was wild, inaccurate and played from all of 40 yards but it still found its way into the net) and you'll begin to understand! He must have used all the available ice after the game.

And then there was Cruyff, who had the 'sprint within the sprint'; Cruyff, who played with four feet, Cruyff who played as Centre Forward, Playmaker and as a Defensive midfielder(he switched these roles in between games). He would have had a field-day (pun intended) today.

Maradona achieved all he did through injuries and torn shirts ( I believe Claudio Gentile still has a piece of his shirt somewhere). I saw him play against Nigeria at USA 94 (he was 33 going on 34, mind you) and he still gave us nightmares (forget the ephedrine, he was a genius).

Zidahn is fondly remembered for two headers both of which were executed against Italy at the 2006 World Cup final; the one that forced a reflex save from Buffon, and the other header, planted firmly on Materazzi's chest! Had that been Pele, two things would have happened; France would have won the World Cup and Materazzi would be dead!

People gush over Paul Scholes, Xavi, Iniesta and perhaps, the flawless passing of Michael Carrick but we once had a player who was all these 4 players rolled into one; Michael Laudrup! The Dane was a teacher on the field, each technical heist an upheaval of tear-inducing proportions!

I wonder if football is getting easier to play or if the players are simply getting better. Maybe it is even a combination of both. The balls are lighter, the referees are more equipped, the boots are better, the cards come out faster these days and offside traps are no longer Alcatraz. But then again, defenders are a lot faster and a lot of teams now play with two defensive midfielders instead of one.

And then the formations have changed; 4-3-1-2, 3-3-2-2, 3-4-3, 3-5-2, 5-3-2, 2-5-3, 3-4-1-2, 3-4-2-1 and so on. Keepers are sweepers these days. Some would argue that Lionel Messi would have had the likes of Franco Baresi, Paolo Maldini and Bobby Moore for lunch. He very well might, if he played against them today. If he had played against them during those days when football was almost exclusively a 'contact sport', he would not have made it off the pitch with his two legs intact! And Ronaldo would have learnt to stop falling like he'd been pole-axed!

Anyway, here are the two big questions? Would you have preferred Messi and Ronaldo to any of the following players during the period between say 1990 to 1999: Roberto Baggio, Romario, Jean Pierre Papin, Marco Van Basten, George Weah (the only man to win the Ballon' D' Or, the African Footballer of the year award and the World Player of the Year award at the same time), Diego Maradona, Ronaldo, Gabriel Batistuta, Luis Figo and Rivaldo? Remember referees were not so sympathetic at this time. The second question is this. Would these players (Maradona, Batistuta, Ronaldo et al) have scored more goals (the strikers among them) than Messi and Ronaldo if they played in these modern times?

Tough questions, I know. I however suspect two of these legends might have; one is Brazilian and the other, obviously, Dutch!

The victory of General Muhammadu Buhari of the All Progressives Congress over President Goodluck Jonathan of the Peoples Democratic Party was the perfect catalyst for the democratic rebirth of Nigeria. An incumbent was voted out by the people largely for non-performance and the message was clear; mess up and we will vote you out. It was the first true Presidential contest in this democratic dispensation and the world marvelled as this great Country (admittedly, an amalgamation of several nations), once thought to be a failed project, spluttered back to life. A new man was coming into office and he had promised to eradicate (or more realistically, reduce) that most vile of Nigerian vices; corruption. As a Nigerian who means well for this country, you could only harbour positive thoughts for the future. Unfortunately, this new wave of optimism is about to be traded for despair because the two tribes that constitute the brain box of this great country have once again managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory with their constant bickering, the type only rivalled by insufferable housewives in a polygamous home.

On the surface, there really shouldn’t be any cause for such ethnic baiting and chest-beating. Both tribes have made their mark. In sports, the Yorubas have produced Segun Odegbami, Olapade Adeneken, Rashidi Yekini, Segun Toriola and others. The Igbos have produced Adokie Amaisemaka, Davidson Ezenwa, Emmanuel Amuneke, Chioma Ajunwa and a host of others. In Literature, for every Wole Soyinka, there is a Chinua Achebe and for every Ola Rotimi, there is a Christopher Okigbo. In Politics, for every Nnamdi Azikiwe, there is an Obafemi Awolowo and for every Ojukwu, there is an Obasanjo. In that fantasy world of the filthy rich, for every Arthur Eze, there is a Mike Adenuga and for every Emeka Offor, there is a Femi Otedola. In that vocal utopia of political word-smiths, the Igbos can point to Chuba Okadigbo while the Yorubas can point to Bola Ige. Both ethnic groups have shown remarkable resilience in a country largely dominated by the North (which has constantly played these two as pawns or more appropriately like that little girl that has two dolls and bashes them against each other at will).

I sometimes shudder at the potential earth shaking impact that a Yoruba-Igbo alliance would have. That remains a pipe dream however as each ethnic group seems to be more interested in emphasizing the faults of the other. Naturally, the Igbos perceive the Yorubas as lazy, conniving, stealthy, dirty, cowardly and as unrepentant tribalists. The Yorubas, in turn, see the Igbos as selfish, greedy, fraudulent and perhaps a tad bit domineering. The Igbos probably fuel this perception with their ‘in your face’ attitude. There is nothing wrong with that as I consider it to be self-pride. To a highly traditional society like the Yorubas however, where age is respected, an Igbo man is perceived as lacking respect.
The recent election has not helped matters as Buhari’s victory is now attributed to the Southwest while the Southeast is perceived as having miscalculated politically by supporting the incumbent who lost. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Yorubas did not return 1.4 million votes for Buhari and even if it is true that the Igbos supported President Jonathan, are we suggesting that they should go to the political wilderness because of that? Whither democracy and your right to vote for a candidate of your choice?

These are highly unnecessary infractions which if unchecked could plunge the South into another unnecessary blood-letting orgy. I have in the past few days gone through websites and engaged in conversations with friends, acquaintances and colleagues from both sides of the divide and I have marvelled at the unguarded statements coming from supposedly educated people. Make no mistake, we are sitting on a keg of gun powder. When a supposedly educated Igbo man tells you that an Igbo man is superior to every Yoruba man, you simply must worry. When a supposedly educated Yoruba man dismisses all Igbo men as fraudulent cheats, you cannot ignore it. When a Yoruba man, who works in an Igbo dominated environment is regularly baited and finally forced to buy into the Igbo ‘superiority’ and denounces his own tribe, you know there is something sinister in the offing. Ditto for Igbos who work in a Yoruba dominated environment. In fact, the very worst characteristics of these two tribes come to the fore when they are in the majority.

The afore-mentioned examples had greatly disturbed me but by far the last straw was the news that the Oba of Lagos had royally coerced Igbos in Lagos State to vote APC at the forthcoming Gubernatorial Elections. I have not confirmed the authenticity of the report but I am concerned at the cyber heat that it has already generated. Yorubas and Igbos have found another avenue to vent their spleens. Yorubas see themselves as Omo onile and Igbos see Lagos as No man’s land. Whatever the case might be, no one can force anyone to vote for a particular candidate and I really hope the respected Monarch did not make that incendiary statement.

It appears to me as though both tribes do not wish to understand each other. They are unwilling to see beyond their prejudiced perceptions. In Lagos, the Yorubas see the Igbos as invaders while the Igbos see themselves as part of the family. For them, it is too late in the day for the Yorubas to complain. The phrase ‘laches and acquiescence’ comes to mind. The way I see it both tribes need to come to grips with the fact that they have been forcefully joined together. They must therefore learn to live together and get rid of some of these pitiful stereotypes.

In order to peacefully co-exist, particularly in Lagos, I believe Igbos and Yorubas need to imbibe these Rules of Engagement:

For the Yorubas,

1. The Igbos must be commended for their industry. Admit it, you admire them secretly. If you have bought substandard materials from one of them or have been cheated by one, chalk that down to inexperience and perhaps a tad bit of stupidity and move on. Next time, shine your eyes

2. Yes, the Igbo man is aggressive. Live with it. Blame it on the painful integration he has undergone since the Civil War ended. He thrives on competition and will remorselessly incinerate any competitor in his path. If you have an Igbo man directly below you in an organisation, rest assured, he is thinking of ways to edge you out. He is ambitious and cannot stay still. He does not rest on his oars and he is not going to look the other way simply because you are older than him. His mind does not work that way. There! Now you know! If you find yourself on the wrong end of the stick, gird your loins and compete! Quit whining.

3. Igbos are scattered all over the Southwest and they will always dominate certain localities and businesses until you are bold enough to compete. If you have a lot of them in Lagos, try and populate their own states too. Open a bush meat centre in Aba and sell! Better still, stop selling your properties to Igbo people. A lot of your problems are of your own making.

4. The Igbo man does not prostrate and he rarely bows. It is not a slight; it is just the way he is wired. The fact that we love to jam our bellies on the ground does not mean everyone has to like it. Stop frowning your face when he does not.

5. Not all Igbo girls are prostitutes and they are no less chaste than our Yoruba girls. Our girls are just better at ‘coding’. They will nack you and still call you ‘broda’. So please get a grip on yourself. You insult Igbos but go after their tall, light-skinned, beautiful girls and because they are less pretentious, you call them prostitutes? Who is fooling who?

6. Forgive the average Igbo man for always yelling and resorting to his fists when he cannot win an argument with his intellect, it is a hangover from the Civil War. Not all Igbos are like that by the way but it is important that when an argument gets rowdy, you walk away, because you do not have his muscles (ishan). Do not engage, I repeat, do not engage. If e nack you for ground, I no dey o.


7. Try and define who an omo onile is. Does that exclude other Yorubas in Lagos? What about Ekiti, Ondo, Osun, Oyo, Ogun? Why am I asking? They seem to populate the Government in Lagos.

8. How does an Igbo man differ from Lagosians who are from other states?

9. Where were you when Igbos were elected into the House of Reps from Lagos? Were you drinking beer and pepper soup? Were you eating eran igbe and drinking emu? Were you patting your round Amala tummy? You opened the door just a little but that is all an Igbo man needs. Soon an Okechukwu will contest for Governor of Lagos and what’s worse, he might win since we are so accommodating. I am waiting for the day an Olusola, born and bred in Onitsha will arise and say he wants to contest in Anambra. That is the day the Igbos will tell him that Amadioha is not Sango.

10. Finally, do not envy the Igbo man’s success, worry about yourself. You say you defeated him at the Civil War. You say he comes from Onitsha or Aba, with his thick Igbo accent and terrible English and yet he makes more money than you in Lagos! Haba! Something is seriously wrong with you! Some Omo onile you are!

For the Igbos,

1. Yorubas value integrity more than money and they often wonder how money can be a man’s sole motivation. They also abuse people and gossip a lot. The less you say when you are with them the better. So when you beat you chest and brag in that loud voice about the number of containers that you have on the high seas or how much money you have, they are more amused than jealous and you are the news item for that day.

2. Stop saying you developed Lagos. If you did, Aba, Onitsha, Abakaliki and the likes would have been developed too. In fact, try and fix your homeland with your wealth. The rate at which Uchennas and Ifeanyis berth at Lagos every second is scary.

3. Lagos is a Yoruba state. Ask the Dosunmus and Agbajes. You do not insult your host all in a bid to lay claim to his property. If you have a stake in Lagos, then Yorubas have a stake in your oil. Seriously, once again, do not insult your hosts. Yorubas have accommodated you. Appreciate the fact that they have not given you the ‘aboki treatment’. It is this domineering attitude that motivates the unforgiving Northerners to kill Igbos at every opportunity. It is a good thing the Yorubas are not that savage.

4. Try not to be so aggressive all the time. The Civil War ended 45 years ago. No one is coming to get you. Stop poisoning your children’s minds. Let them discover the new Nigeria by themselves. Stop the hate message. That argument can be settled verbally without recourse to Ishan Igbo. No be fight. The fact that your colleague from the office has refused to do business with you and has done so with someone else at a lower rate (obviously) does not make him your enemy.

5. While acquiring wealth, tell your guys to acquire a little education on their way too. All that money and no education... The way many of them butcher English... Yeah, we know Yorubas and their ‘Yoruba English’ but yours is just priceless. This fuels the perception of an igbo man as one who is after money and nothing else. Happily, I have met several educated Igbo people but there is still an overwhelming number of rich but uneducated and unrefined Igbos.

6. Not all Yorubas are dirty or lazy and they like their oily stew. Ororo ati epo. They know you don’t joke with your soup and yes, they go after your ogbono soup but biko, leave them with their oily soup.

7. All that talk about Lagosians starving if you leave Lagos is mere hogwash. Your empty shops and supermarkets will be filled and very quickly too. You are a part of Lagos but you are not indispensable.

8. Not every Yoruba is a jazzman! Some of them are good Christians. They also know a lot of you profess to know God more than anybody else and still engage in all sorts.

9. The Yoruba man secretly admires you. He wonders how an Igbo man can come to Lagos with slippers, a T-Shirt and shorts and 5 years later, he is made. We know you are still astounded at how easy it is to make it in Lagos and how easily your brothers have colonised Alaba Maket and Ladipo Market. Blame the Yoruba man. He too dey fear competition. He thinks his age or seniority will save him.

10. The Yoruba man likes the way you have developed Lagos. Could you please try and develop Yobe or Borno State as well? They are just DYING to be developed.

Know these rules and follow them by heart and get along with your Igbo or Yoruba colleague, friend or acquaintance. I believe conflicts arise when we break them. The Yoruba and Igbo tribes are the thinkers who drive Nigeria forward with their ideas. Unfortunately, this mindless competition for relevance has on several occasions threatened our very existence and is doing so now. It is imperative that these stereotypes and lazy assumptions are eradicated so that these two great tribes can go back to what they do best; thinking for Nigeria.

Can it go for 1m?

Hi.

Is it in Lagos or Abuja? Can it go for 1m? I could throw in a used Nissan Maxima to sweeten the deal.

Thanks.

Hi Phemmy,

I am in the market for one of these 4 cars:

1. 2006-2009 Toyota Camry with Leather seats. The 4 cylinder version is ok.
2. Toyota Avalon 2003 XLS (The one with the wide dashboard).
3. 2000-2002 Lexus RX 300.
4. 2003-2004 BMW 525i.

I would like to know how much it would cost to ship each one as well as the requisite custom charges so that we can close out hopefully latest by middle of next month.

Secondly, how long would it take you to deliver upon payment?

Finally, from your experience in dealing in cars, which of these 4 cars will be the best to own as it relates to running costs and reliability?

Thank you.

Tadeus,

I am in the market for one of these 4 cars:

1. 2006-2009 Toyota Camry with Leather seats. The 4 cylinder version is ok.
2. Toyota Avalon 2003 XLS (The one with the wide dashboard).
3. 2000-2002 Lexus RX 300.
4. 2003-2004 BMW 525i.

I would like to know how much it would cost to ship each one as well as the requisite custom charges so that we can close out hopefully latest by middle of next month.

Secondly, how long would it take you to deliver upon payment?

Finally, from your experience in dealing in cars, which of these 4 cars will be the best to own as it relates to running costs and reliability?

Thank you.