₦airaland Forum

I found a woman on top of my dog: I need Help, OH PuuuuhhhhhhhLEASE!!!!!!

The List is endless, il dramatize some, and list d othrs, but remember its inexhaustible!!!
Ok,

!. I hate it wen she checks my sperm after i have come (the quantity), to know if iv been cheating, Jeezzz, who does that??
2. act 1:
        Me:, Baby i luv the way u look in this dress, its really lovely.
        Her:, NOOOOOOOOOOO, thats not the right word to use. u shud say it looks sexy
        Me:  %£^&**()(*&^

, now i dont know wat to call that, but wateva its called, i hate it,

3.    Act 2:
               
             Her: Y IS THERE A CODE ON UR FONE? Y DID U LOCK UR FONE?, (screaming at the top of her voice)
Me: cuz you call my female friends on my fonebook and warn them never to call me again, even after i proove to u i have nutin to
do with them.
Her: ohh, so this is what it is now eh? we r now keeping secrets? good!
Me: ok baby, il open the fone , should i open the fone?
Her: Noooo oh, hmmm dont open the fone u hear, dont open it
Me:

Both sides, u loose, i hate that!

3. Ok.I hate it wen during a fight, the more u try to resolve the conflict , the more the conflict intensifies
4. I hate it wen women always feel victimized!!!

i think this is some good write up,


10. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

9. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

8. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

7. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

6. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

5. To err is human, to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

4. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

3. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

2. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

and Murphy's Number One Law of Computing,

1. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

Part 3



SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "just like Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"

ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Part 2


AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning

"BECAUSE": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when that darn wind-up swing stops.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a Mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped, performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

but not attending your Uncles Wedding because you were jealous.Hmmmmmmm

Interesting, But while crucifying the male folks, y not leave some nails for the females. Heard bout a newly wedded couple, the husband travels out for a course, and the supposd wife starts going clubbing with her single friends. This lead to her sleeping around, and her husband found out when he got back. Everyone is guilty of this crime, so if it affects anyone of us, i suggest we all look for somepart of our marriage that makes us happy and ignore the excesses.

wrap ur "va-jay-jay" with a purple ribbon and send it to him through fedex, to do what ever he wants to do with it.

One Tree Hill!!!

From WHATS BEEF,
THis was good.still is

Y'all got to go, all I make is one phone call
All y'all disappear by tomorrow
All your guns is borrowed, I don't feel sorrow
Actually, your man passed the gat to me, now check this

I saved their names depending on their character

Theres Barry the Baptist
Georgeous George
Hatchet Harry
Brick Top
oh, and my all time favorite
Franky-four-fingers!

How to bust a player, Well, i aint too experienced in this field, but i think real players are hard to spot. But again,being a player,hw sure r u that u aint being played? i think most players are made cuz the girls actually made them dat way by feigning ignorance. Step outside the box for a minute and think.If it were u listening to the lies you tell the girls, will you believe it? for peace sakes and to prevent players from being embarassed or busted, most girls just accept it. But again, you dont know where shes goin when she leaves ur crib!

So every one,actively or pasively is a player. Its just the position dat differs. The players, the playees.

Just enjoy the game while it lasts and while at it, keep the game air tight!

But one sure sign of a player: , When he accuses u of doin stuff, as a man thinketh,so is he

This thread is for all fans of the late Notorious BIG. If u r a great bigie fan,like i am,i want u to drop one of his lines that inspire u or made u go "did u hear that",

iv got some

From the ten crack commandment

"follow these rules, there'l be mad bread to bake up"

The greatest rapper of all time,
The late Great Frank WHite, a.k.a Christopher Wallace, a.k.a Biggy Smalls, a.k.a The Notorious B.I.G, a.k.a Big Poppa,

I take ma hats off for him all day every day!

Almost all rappers today got a cue from him in theirr rap.

I think mine has gotta be Bryan Adams dont know the song title, but its kinda like "tel me have u ever really loved a woman"

Damn that song sends me down the farthest point as regards emotions. Heard it this morning again.

I wish Soludo and KSA and the Nigerian Government were Nairaland members, including members of the hgouse of rep and law makers. That way, our arguments wuld start making sense!

Sorry Dear

Wen GOOD SHIT Happens, (for those who have vals)
we drink to celebrate it,

Wen BAD SHIT happens (for those who broke up b4 val)
we drink to forget it

but wen NOTHING happens (for US who aint gat vals)
we Drink,
TO MAKE SHIT HAPPEN!!!!!!!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY ALL

i think Oracle is expressing the right thing in a wrong way. Someone once told me that except u r married, all relationships are just for fun. Begining to look true with what happens today.

yimiton:
@ smtprince,

.

And for the records, I know that they say Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and also an inert quality, but if you really want to know, I'll say it categorically that JK is a very pretty young woman, not just morally but also physically.

You can bring it on if you want to continue on this.

Please JKpretty, ignore all these nonsense.

looks like someone else is interested in JKPRETTY.

These were entries for a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line and least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
But what have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell!"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

@ earth realm.
Thanks,now dat made the stuff inbetween my legs sorry ears kinda feel warm.

lol. Just Kiddin. Anyways,im interested in JK pretty too

If he leaves on wednesday night, he will beat d damn traffic. Or why dont u just go have a sleep over

@JKPRETTY

nw aint it obvious u looking for attention?single handedly responding to all comments.Sweets, live life,and enjoy the attention while it lasts.Im sure it dont happen that often.

_{*a lotta nairalanders wish a thread was started in their name*}

@ Mc Omo,
WORD!

@ JKPRETTY
If u truly werent interested, u wulda ignored the thread.Theres no point tryin to blur interests with rebuffs.Playing hard to get is kinda played out. We live in a civilized society and relationships(friendship) are made either cuz u stand to gain sumtin from d other, or the other stands to gain somethig from u.
Imagine if u were a celebrity (which i strongly doubt u have the qualities) is this how u would treat ur fan mail?

This aint right and at poster,droppin numbers on public forums aint right 2

Some of us need to be educated. Its not like the dude is trying to rape u. U guys r online, and it is only up to u to kep it that way or take it a step forward.

If u continue like this, Jkpretty, ur kids might not b too proud of their mother.

If dis is d reflection of u that u want d world to c, ur inside i mean, then i guess we dont really wanna c it.

Let ur name reflect ur personality,
No beef, just thot i had to b heard,

Lifegal,we r actually birthday mates

E-baby:
Too many clowns on nland

I can't believe people actually take nland serious by coming up here looking for someone special , anyway goodluck with your sef.


oh oh yahoooo

oh oh yahooooooo

and u r stil on nairaland.